Thursday, April 17, 2014

How To Be A Casual Fan: A Hockey Post?

Hopefully those are in attendance for Game 4
You know the guy at the bar screaming about how Brandon Weeden needs another chance because he's a first round talent?Even better is the guy who is saying Colt McCoy didn't get a fair shake. Or maybe the guy at the Ohio Buckeye game who is demanding more intermediate passes because Braxton Miller is the best passer since Joe Germaine? Or how about the guy who is demanding that Devin Gardner be replaced by a true freshman because he's the reason Michigan can only muster -1.5 ypc? These are the worst fans that you can possibly encounter. They know nothing, think they know everything, and somehow enter themselves in every conversation. They are the Ide of sports fans.

I bring this up because I will be attending Game 4 with G Money. I'm not a hockey fan and I'm not going to pretend to be. I can name about 5 Jackets players off the top of my head. That doesn't mean that I can't go to the NWA and get rowdy as fuck while cheering them on. But I'm also not going to be talking about 2nd and 3rd lines like I know what the fuck I am talking about...because I don't, even though I was an ELITE street hockey player in my youth.

Being a casual fan is something brand new to me. Football, basketball, and baseball are sports I have been involved with for my entire life, as a fan, player or ELITE fantasy owner. I can hold my own in conversations about any of these sports, and even soccer to some extent. I imagine most of you have found yourself in similar situations, or maybe with the Jackets in the playoffs you are finding yourself in the exact same situation I am. Don't be afraid, I have some tips for you to not be a douche bag.

Lesbihonest: Don't act like you know everything. Hell, don't act like you know anything. Because you fucking don't. At some point next Wednesday G Money is going to lean over to me and talk about turnovers in the box or powerplay efficiency and I'm gonna be like, “Yeah, we totally need to score more goals than them” because I won't have anything else to offer. And that's OKAY! I have no shame in that. That arena is going to be filled with people just like me.

Don't Lie: People are going to know if you are full of shit. If you encounter a true superfan, don't lie to him about how many games you have made it to that year or how you followed goalie BOB while he was in Russia. Because he will know you are lying directly to his face, pull your shirt over your head, and beat the fuck out of you.

Know Your Role: Casual fans have to understand the atmosphere they are walking into. You're not going to just show up and take over your section like that faggot Fireman Ed. Take a moment, check out your surroundings, see how your fellow fans go about celebrating and cheering, and figure out your place. Don't go climbing up and down the five rows around you high-fiving people like some tard when “your” team scores. And if the team happens to lose, don't act like your dog just died. You have literally invested 3 hours in this team. You haven't earned your “Agony of Defeat” badge.

Stop Asking Questions: It's a fucking playoff game, nobody wants to explain all the penalties and corresponding penalty box time to you. Just watch the game and figure it out. Every time I watch soccer, ONLY TEAM USA, I try to explain to Mrs. Ace what offsides is. She never fucking gets it. Ever. I imagine hockey fans have the same experience all the time. GIVE IT A REST.

CARRY IT! No need for an explanation here. You aren't a diehard fan, you haven't followed the team all year, and a win or a loss isn't going to ruin your day, but you're there so act like a fucking fan. Get out of your seat. Drink as many Molson's as possible. Call Cindy Crosby a pussy ass faggot. If you are taking up a seat you better act like a real fucking fan. Being a fan isn't an observational experience, especially a playoff game. Be a part of the action and live it up.

This post should be read by every chick at a sporting event, especially the STOP ASKING QUESTIONS portion. Got damn that shit is annoying. But we have all been there before, being at a sporting event that we know like the back of our hand while listening to some mouthbreather talk about game theory. How do you handle that? Or how do you handle the Randall Stevens' of the world? Or how would you handle Paulina Gretzky?

The only wrong answer is "No."
(Holy shit was that a brutal loss. Being up 3-1 on the road and then losing 3-4 is an enormous kick in the dick...especially as a 7 seed. I have a feeling I will be saying farewell to the Jackets season come game 4).


Grumpy said...

Can you explain the infield fly rule to me?

If you even think about watching soccer, you are a giant pussy.

Mr. Ace said...

Google that shit.

And there is nothing wrong with watching the World Cup or other international matches. I don't watch MLS or any Euro leagues, but cheering on the ol US of A is what Americans do.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure you just described 90% of the people who comment on this blog.

Can't stand watching games with women who no nothing about the sport but try to act like they are interested so they ask a lot of stupid questions. Best thing about Mrs. Ward is that she understands enough about sports so she is never asking dumb questions.


Anonymous said...

I highly doubt Mrs. Ward (bless her heart for her Ape vet day) "is never asking dumb questions".

Ape...if you can name 5 Jackets then I think you're going to do just fine. Pound those Molson's tho.

I actually think that game last night was good for the Poo Jackets. They saw that they kind hang in that environment...just couldn't hold on. They'll step it up a notch in Game 2.


GMoney said...

Yeah, I'm with Drool. Talking about the CBJ choking their chickens last night proves newbie status. We had a 2 goal lead (DA MOST DANGEROUS LEAD IN HOCKEY DEY SAY!) one minute into the second period. There were 39 goddamn minutes left. We weren't going into prevent defense! It's a tough loss, no guff, because we played really hard. We just didn't play very smart and our goalie wasn't good. We absolutely can not win if we're going to give up 4+ goals. Period.

That said, we beat the piss out of them which is our style. Jack Johnson was a monster out there. It's just one game. The series isn't over. I'm still carrying.

I can't believe that I'm saying this but I like this post. A lot of honesty and good tips! One day I would like to go to an auto race just for the experience but I'm not going to sit there and tell Billy Joe that Junior needs to take the inside lane and draft Jimmie.

Ape, it would be my honor to explain the game to you as if you were a little kid. I'm TOTES gonna. THEY PLAY WITH A PUCK!

You should know that Boone Jenner is a 20 year old goddamn tank on the ice.

I want the Jackets to have a semi-long playoff stay because we have a lot of young guys on the team that would grow horrendous playoff beards. Can you picture Cam with a patchy beard? LULZ!

GMoney said...

Grump, the IF Fly Rule basically prevents the defense from trying to pull a fast one by dropping an easy pop-up on purpose and thus completing an easy double or triple play.

I feel that some crafty and talentless Mexican like Omar Vizquel would try to take the easy way out on this. But baseball will not allow it...just like they won't allow him to sniff Cooperstown. Count it.

Jeff said...

Good post, Ace. The time to learn rules is at home on the couch during a regular season game.

That one was tough last night. I was hoping for overtime, but I just had a bad feeling when we couldn't stop the pens onslaught in the 3rd. Def not going to win this series in the box or with sloppy neutral zone play, but I liked the physicality. Boone's new nickname is "Truck Stick".

Mr. Ace said...

Of course it's a great post. IT'S THURSDAY!

As far as the Jackets go, my concern is with BOB. Again not pretending to be some hockey guru, but a couple of those goals looked pretty fucking weak. BOB looked like poo. So if BOB gives up a quick one in Game 2 I just don't see us coming back from that.

I will have my revenge for Vet Day.

GMoney said...

Here's an early tip for you Ape that the newbs will get hung up on: don't scream for a fight to happen. This is the playoffs. They don't fight anymore. If you're up there screaming for a few knuckle sammies, you will be waiting for a long time. The brawlers have gone home for the Summer.

This also shows why Jared Boll shouldn't be playing. God bless him for doing what he does, but he isn't needed right now. Umby is back Saturday which should push Boll to the pressbox. I wonder who gets das boot when Foligno is ready. Tropp or Skille? I'm a Skille fan.

You really have to hand it to Dubi. He frustrated the shit out of Princess Crosby last night.

Jeff said...

Dubi was great last night. Skille should play, but I think Tropp gave some quality minutes last night. Our guy really frustrated the shit out of them and didn't take any cheap shots without giving them right back.

GMoney said...

We have to be the most annoying team to play against. We don't do anything great outside of hitting the piss out of you and getting under your skin.

GMoney said...

How about the Tribe beating the piss out of the Tigers in Trashville, USA? Just giving you turds something to discuss as well.

You may also want to talk about the Cubs scoring zero runs in 18 innings yesterday. That was LOLZ.

Anonymous said...

It's the cubs...what do you expect. Nothing matters until 2015. Just as Marty McFly predicted.


Mr. Ace said...

I know there are no fisticuffs in the playoffs. I will probably still yell out "BEAT HIS ASS" several times. The goons should come out between periods.

GMoney said...

It's the cubs...what do you expect

One run? Is that too much to ask. Hell, the only two "hits" off Tatanka were bunt singles!

Anonymous said...

That's what being a Yankees fan has done to you. Your expectations are too high.

When is the nba playoff post? The first round of the west has some great matchups. East not so much but the second round should have some good ones.


GMoney said...

Not gonna have one because I don't care. Actually, your comment is our NBA First Round Playoff Preview. Thanks for contributing to the site!

Paulina Gretzky may have a weird eyes but I'd still pound her five hole. Hockey/sex metaphors...this is what you pay for, folks.

Prime99 said...

The Cubs and Blue Jackets had the same amount of wins yesterday.

Randall Stevens said...

If Cakes ever wonders why he can't get on this site on certain computers, it's because of Thursday. Pretty sure Ace has put tits on every post since coming back.

Had a buddy who attempted to explain hockey to me in the middle of a Walleye game once. I said I wasn't there to learn I was there to get piss drunk. If I'm interested in knowing the rules of a sport I don't like I'll Wikipedia that shit.

Unless G$ beats me to it maybe I'll do an NBA playoff post Tuesday. I'll break down the types of tampons Derrick Rose uses.

GMoney said...

Ape's love of big jugs is widely known, respected, and welcomed!

I will not beat you to it. As James Carville said to Will Ferrell in the Old School debate scene, "have at it, hoss".

The Cubs had six hits in 18 innings and the Jackets only had 3 goals in 3 periods. Clearly, Clark is superior!

Mr. Ace said...

I'm sorry. I thought this was America. And it's not like they are pictures of girls getting tittyfucked, not that there would be anything wrong with that. But the ones I post are very tasteful and artistic.


Prime99 said...

Zero wins is zero wins, G$. The Cubs suck, it's not a secret. The BJ's are trying to prove they belong. Good attempt last night, but they are now 0-6 against Pitt this year. That's more embarrassing if you think your team is good. I know my baseball sucks and I've DEALT WITH IT.

GMoney said...

I wasn't trying to rub it in just sort of saying that "even though I was watching hockey, I didn't forget that your baseball team is really bad and you may need a reminder of that".

Trying to prove that you belong isn't easy. But we're trying...unlike Steve Mason who made up some injury to avoid the Rags. I don't believe in "good job, good effort" but I also realize that we are YUGE underdogs here so coming up short in game one of a seven game series isn't going to crush me. The five regular season losses don't mean anything. Curtis McIlhenney started four of those games. Who? Exactly.

Anonymous said...

Clark touches boys.

Last night's game was brutal. I remember getting massive excited yet knowing it was all a mirage. Howevs, it is great to see us be able to hang. More than what they showed during the season.

Fun fact! I leave for vacation today and I got a massive eye infection. So now I get to buy hipster glasses for the trip. IRONICALLY.


GMoney said...

Pollen Strikes Back!

GMoney said...

Enjoy your vacation in Winterfell, nerd. Make sure you come back with a ton of new lies.

Jeff said...

Ide is Bob Costas, his stories could be true if this is the case.