Friday, April 11, 2014
Now the parameters surrounding these rankings don’t particularly have any science behind them. A guy’s fantasy stats aren’t weighed all that much. I basically am ranking these divas based on who I would trust the most if my life were on the line and the odd caveat to saving my skin would be to complete one pass to one NFL receiver. And then I also factored in bias because that is huge. Like, for instance, Andre Johnson did not make today’s list because he is always OVERRATED in fantasy drafts and I doubt that he has ever helped anyone win a title. How can you be an ELITE receiver if you help no one? Great question, me.
I thought about including Jimmy Graham today actually but I disagree with him thinking that he is a wide receiver. No, he is not. I don’t care about his formation percentages. Dude came into the league as a tight end and thus will always be a tight end. Now quit bending Goodell’s goalposts! Alright, let’s rank the top ten receivers in the NFL today according to your master!
10. Antonio Brown – I’ve given my share of shit to Grump for him saying that Brown was/is a #1 receiver. Well, I was less right than usual on that one. Brown was great last season and his ability to run out of bounds untouched and thus screw the Steelers out of a playoff spot was truly ELITE.
9. DeSean Jackson – I did say that there would be bias. I was upfront about that. You can’t say that the guy isn’t one hell of a play-making Crip though. Now imagine how good he’s going to be with a real QB and a “fuck you, Chip” attitude.
8. Brandon Marshall – It takes a special kind of player to make Jay Cutler look good. Fortunately, this bi-polar sonofabitch has plenty of personality to go around.
7. Demaryius Thomas – We shall never forget his rib-winning touchdown catch and sprint off the arm of God! It is amazing to me how many super stud receivers went to fucking Georgia Tech. Why would you go there as a receiver? That has never made any sense to me. It’s sort of like why would any QB prospect with visions of the NFL sign on to play with Jim Tressel and Urban Meyer? Those guys DON’T CARE about your development and never have.
6. Josh Gordon – Yes, I am aware that he led the league in receiving yards last season without a QB with any ARM TALENT (Gruden term that makes no sense). He’s also one pot cloud from a full year suspension and is a Chatty Cathy. I also look deeper than the numbers. Like, the yardage looks great until you remember that the entire Browns season on offense was garbage time. I need to see him produce in games that matter (and to pass his piss tests for five straight years) before I consider him in my top 5. DEAL WITH IT.
5. Julio Jones – Remember when the Browns could have had this guy but took a handful of bad draft picks instead? That was probably the best thing to ever happen to Double J. I am aware that he got hurt last year but a healthy Julio is an unstoppable combination of ELITE speed and hands.
4. AJ Green – Now this cat puts up monster seasons with a poor QB and being constantly double teamed. He has a few more drops than I would prefer but he does it all. And he does it when it matters.
3. Dez Bryant – I don’t like to admit this, but Dez is so fucking good and if he ever got his emotions and sanity under control, he COULD be just as good if not better than our #1. He should probably keep beating up his prostitute mom though simply for the LULZ.
2. Larry Fitzgerald – Dude catches EVERYTHING. He doesn’t have the speed like he used to and Arizona should be ashamed for giving him those QBs but I would trust his hands with my life. Plus, he is a graduate of The University of Phoenix so you know that he has the smarts!
1. Calvin Johnson – No one else comes close. Ever. Remember when Joe Haden shut him down but the team got killed anyway? I remember when commenters here used to fight that weirdo fight. Good times.
Who has the balls to challenge my wide receiver rankings? The only internal struggle that I had was with Julio but I’m happy with where he is. By the way, during my “research” for this “project”, I realized that Stevie Johnson is the best WR in the AFC East. That’s AWFUL. Next week, I will be ranking FACTORBACKS. Will Trent Richardson rank #1? Yes. Yes he will. Oh man, I can’t wait for my definitive list of ELITE Quarterbacks!