Friday, April 11, 2014

G$'s Official Ranking of ELITE Receivers

If you know two things about me, they are that I love the NFL and that I love being ELITE. With the NFL Draft coming up in a month and DRAFT DAY opening nationwide today, I figured that we could start a new Friday series here leading up to the Texans officially being on the clock. As we all know, the only positions that matter are the ones that score touchdowns. And everyone loves a good list! So why don’t we spend the next few Fridays ranking the top ten WRs, RBs (will not consult with Cakes), and then the crown jewel…ELITE Quarterbacks!

Now the parameters surrounding these rankings don’t particularly have any science behind them. A guy’s fantasy stats aren’t weighed all that much. I basically am ranking these divas based on who I would trust the most if my life were on the line and the odd caveat to saving my skin would be to complete one pass to one NFL receiver. And then I also factored in bias because that is huge. Like, for instance, Andre Johnson did not make today’s list because he is always OVERRATED in fantasy drafts and I doubt that he has ever helped anyone win a title. How can you be an ELITE receiver if you help no one? Great question, me.

I thought about including Jimmy Graham today actually but I disagree with him thinking that he is a wide receiver. No, he is not. I don’t care about his formation percentages. Dude came into the league as a tight end and thus will always be a tight end. Now quit bending Goodell’s goalposts! Alright, let’s rank the top ten receivers in the NFL today according to your master!

10. Antonio Brown – I’ve given my share of shit to Grump for him saying that Brown was/is a #1 receiver. Well, I was less right than usual on that one. Brown was great last season and his ability to run out of bounds untouched and thus screw the Steelers out of a playoff spot was truly ELITE.

9. DeSean Jackson – I did say that there would be bias. I was upfront about that. You can’t say that the guy isn’t one hell of a play-making Crip though. Now imagine how good he’s going to be with a real QB and a “fuck you, Chip” attitude.

8. Brandon Marshall – It takes a special kind of player to make Jay Cutler look good. Fortunately, this bi-polar sonofabitch has plenty of personality to go around.

7. Demaryius Thomas – We shall never forget his rib-winning touchdown catch and sprint off the arm of God! It is amazing to me how many super stud receivers went to fucking Georgia Tech. Why would you go there as a receiver? That has never made any sense to me. It’s sort of like why would any QB prospect with visions of the NFL sign on to play with Jim Tressel and Urban Meyer? Those guys DON’T CARE about your development and never have.

6. Josh Gordon – Yes, I am aware that he led the league in receiving yards last season without a QB with any ARM TALENT (Gruden term that makes no sense). He’s also one pot cloud from a full year suspension and is a Chatty Cathy. I also look deeper than the numbers. Like, the yardage looks great until you remember that the entire Browns season on offense was garbage time. I need to see him produce in games that matter (and to pass his piss tests for five straight years) before I consider him in my top 5. DEAL WITH IT.

5. Julio Jones – Remember when the Browns could have had this guy but took a handful of bad draft picks instead? That was probably the best thing to ever happen to Double J. I am aware that he got hurt last year but a healthy Julio is an unstoppable combination of ELITE speed and hands.

4. AJ Green – Now this cat puts up monster seasons with a poor QB and being constantly double teamed. He has a few more drops than I would prefer but he does it all. And he does it when it matters.

3. Dez Bryant – I don’t like to admit this, but Dez is so fucking good and if he ever got his emotions and sanity under control, he COULD be just as good if not better than our #1. He should probably keep beating up his prostitute mom though simply for the LULZ.

2. Larry Fitzgerald – Dude catches EVERYTHING. He doesn’t have the speed like he used to and Arizona should be ashamed for giving him those QBs but I would trust his hands with my life. Plus, he is a graduate of The University of Phoenix so you know that he has the smarts!

1. Calvin Johnson – No one else comes close. Ever. Remember when Joe Haden shut him down but the team got killed anyway? I remember when commenters here used to fight that weirdo fight. Good times.

Who has the balls to challenge my wide receiver rankings? The only internal struggle that I had was with Julio but I’m happy with where he is. By the way, during my “research” for this “project”, I realized that Stevie Johnson is the best WR in the AFC East. That’s AWFUL. Next week, I will be ranking FACTORBACKS. Will Trent Richardson rank #1? Yes. Yes he will. Oh man, I can’t wait for my definitive list of ELITE Quarterbacks!

39 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

You forgot Riley KKKooper. How?

GMoney said...

If he wants in, he's just going to have to fight all the N******* ahead of him.

Cakes said...

COME ON MAN! I get that putting Gordon in the top three might be a stretch but he definitely belongs in the top 5.

Julio Jones can suck a dick. Gordon runs circles around that guy.

GMoney said...

That only makes me believe that I made the right call. You can't even argue that the guy is completely unreliable and his entire career was garbage time.

When Solomon Wilcots calls all of your games then you aren't a top 5 player at your position. FACT.

Prime99 said...

Alshon Jeffrey also belongs on this list. Two Bears WR in the top 10?! Yeah, it's cray cray, but it's also the TROOF.

Otherwise, your list is solid. Larry Fitz is fucking amazing but wasted on the Cardinals.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Gordon being ahead of Julio.

Also, LOLZ @ Slow Seal's Megatron debate...good lord that guy was slow as hell.

How soon until Sammy Watkins cracks this top ten?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Very soon for Samuel Watson. Unless he goes to the Raiders. In that case, the only thing that we will have left of his legacy is him torching the shit out of FagNasty Fickell and Homo Coombs garbage secondary.

Jeffery has done it for one year and the QB who loved him just left for ALL CLASS LOVIE. Maybe next year he can crack the top ten. Not now.

Mr. Ace said...

Jeremy Gallon is probably #11.

I get the whole "science" behind your list, but there is no way Fitz is currently Top 3.

And I will take Alshon Jeffery over Antonio Brown all day. Dude has skills.

Jordy Nelson is probably in this discussion as well based on his ability to pigmentation ratio.

Jeff said...

Jeffrey is across from Marshall. Antonio does it across from nobodys and torches Joe Haden.

Sammy is my boy and I will be pissed if the Browns draft him.

Prime99 said...

Because his 218 yard receiving game vs the Saints was who at QB? Cutler? Weird.

My point is not to be a homer troll (though you did say BIAS plays a large role in the rankings.) If you said, "he's good but not quite there yet" I can disagree but accept it. Saying McCown is the only one who threw to Alshon is incorrect. Cutler likes him just fine.

GMoney said...

My bias, not yours. Cutler likes nothing ESPECIALLY VACCINES!!!

LarryFitz is most definitely still a top 3 receiver. Quit being dumb. The guy is as fantastic at catching passes as he is taking pictures of waterfalls with huge cameras.

LOL Jordy Nelson. I don't even know if he's the best receiver on his own team.

Good question though: Who is the best honky receiver in the league? The easy answer is Welker but that is the wrong answer. Edelman? Nelson? Decker? Griff Whalen? This is a gritty time for receivers in the NFL!

Grumpy said...

Where's your boy Mike Wallace? Just admit I was right.

Jeff said...

Brian Hartline OBVZ. Or Kevin Walter. LOL @ whitey.

Prime99 said...

The only receiver Raepernick likes is an unsuspecting vag. Makes sense because the rest of his receiving core is shit.

Anonymous said...

Yeah...Hartline OBVZ.

Jeff...would you be mad if the Lions traded up to get Watkins? Ther are many rumors of such....

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Apologies to G$ for going Incognito again......BUT....I just can't give it up.

Do you guys remember when Slow Seal said he was going to stop posting here...then when called out for how gay that was by COY....he said that he was just joking? Then he went and did just that a few days later? LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ @ that guy.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drool just can't help himself when it comes to giving out virtual wedgies.

Less right does not equal wrong!

WHAT ABOUT SANZENBACHER!!!

Anonymous said...

Antonio does it across from nobodys and torches Joe Haden.

According to our Steelers beat man, Emmanuel Sanders was a 1 on any team. You're wrong. Or Grumpy.

Fitz is not a top 3 WR. Take it from the guy who won him his only meaningful championship. Point out any reason he is not putting up numbers and Gordon matches that. Is Gordon a top 3? No. But he is better than Fitz is now.

I find that character points mean nothing with black receivers. The only quantifiable metric I look at is how many lashes they can withstand.

Ide

Jeff said...

I can live with Sammy going anywhere outside of the AFC Norf.

He is a stud, but I just don't get the fact that teams are willing to mortgage their future on a WR when we've seen time after time that in the end, defense and ball control win in the league. Build in the trenches and secondary.

Anonymous said...

"virtual wedgies"....I like that. I bet G$ gave Impossible Sit-Ups to the youngin's when he was an upperclassmen in high school.

--Drew

Cakes said...

One could call all of the Browns games "garbage time". He still has to catch the balls and run away from those poor DB's. He belongs in the top 5. I don't care how you get 1,600+ yards and 10 TD's. DEAL WITH IT.

The Cleveland front office is putting on one hell of a smoke screen. I have no idea what they are going to do. I would be thrilled if they took Sammy though. Name one starting WR duo better than Gordon and Watkins. YOU CAN"T.

GMoney said...

Fuck that...Gordon isn't nearly as good of a receiver as Fitz. You guys are all the LOLZ. Keep throwing out numbers when a guy is facing 60 minutes of prevent defense 16 weeks a year. This is an ABSURD position that you moron Browns fans (oxymoron) are taking.

You're telling me that in a situation where I tell you to complete a pass to any WR in the league otherwise you're doing ten ultimate sit-ups into Tony Siragusa, you're picking Josh Gordon over the guy with the best hands in the league (maybe ever)? YOU DUMB.

How very PFTC of you, Jeff, to mention that football is won in the trenches. Someone brought their lunch pail to the comments today!

Anonymous said...

Megatron and Watkins > Gordon and Watkins ....just named one.

--Drew

Randall Stevens said...

"A guy’s fantasy stats aren’t weighed all that much."

Three sentences later says:

"Andre Johnson did not make today’s list because he is always OVERRATED in fantasy drafts and I doubt that he has ever helped anyone win a title."

WUT??

So you put Gordan at 6 because he can't be trusted to have clean piss. Yet you put Julio Jones in the top 5 even though he's never played a full season and can't be trusted to stay healthy. Then you put Dez Bryant at 3 who is also injury prone and completely insane. You say Gordon is at 6 because you can't trust him to stay on the field then put 2 guys who can't be trusted either in front of him. Nice ranking system.

And marshall belongs in the top 3.

Prime99 said...

Marshall and Alshon. There's another.

Cakes said...

I don't remember Gordon dropping very many balls last season. That's probably Greg Little you're thinking about. He made plenty of spectacular catches and has the burner speed to go with it.

Gordon is one of those guys that doesn't look like he's running very fast but just glides past everyone on the field. I could probably take him in the 40 but that's just because of my world class speed. He's going to have a huge year as long as Hoyer's knee doesn't explode again.

Cakes said...

"Marshall and Alshon. There's another."

Debatable. I think Prime got in to the Blueberry wine too early this morning.

Prime99 said...

I bet Cakes thought Derek Anderson was a top 5 QB back in the day.

That's not to say Gordon isn't legit. He is. But you're also latching onto the only fucking thing your team can look forward to. One good player. Nice. I look forward to Costner's draft day moves.

Anonymous said...

Randall just destroyed G$.

--Drew

Cakes said...

When a BROWNS player leads the league in anything but LULZ, you're goddamn right I'm going to latch on to it.

Randall Stevens said...

Cakes brings up a good point. Finally.

GMoney said...

Yep, I didn't mention anything about Andre's fantasy stats, did I? Just that he is always OVERRATED on Draft Day. Well done, me!

Where did I mention Gordon's drops? Has he played all 16 games in a season yet? I'd rather have guys get nicked up than a dude who is always high.

Randall has never beaten me (including in a three point shootout and ever will). I'm not going to sit here and listen to anyone telling me that Chong Gordon is a better and more reliable wide receiver than Julio and Dez. That is INSANE.

Hell, if you keep this up, I'll move Demaryius RibFest ahead of Gordon. DeSean? I could see him being better than Gordon, too.

One more time: you can't trust Josh Gordon and he racks up garbage time yards. He's very good at catching passes. Until he starts catching meaningful passes (not his fault but still) then he isn't a top 5 receiver in the mind of this genius who constantly proves that he is smarter than you.

Grumpy said...

Emmanuel Sanders couldn't catch a cold.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious is when you rag on Gordon for missing two games as unreliable and untrustworthy, yet you love Julio Jones who is made out of paper and vaginas. So you'd take someone with a proven history of injuries over a weak strawman argument?

Meh, you are a Kyrie fan, makes sense.

Also, DeSean will NOT be a top ten guy next year. Not a chance. Catching dicks, maybe, but nothing else.

Ide

GMoney said...

Why yes, I would rather have a guy with a few past injuries over a guy who is ONE CONTACT HIGH AWAY FROM A YEAR SUSPENSION. Thanks for playing. There's the door.

Emmanuel Sanders? Better than Josh Gordon. So is Brian Hartline and Santana Moss.

Just remember, you petty and illiterate Browns fan, that I don't have Gordon ranked 6th (which is really high by the way just like he is) because he "sucks" which he does not. It is that there are huge red flags surrounding him as well as a personal uncertainty regarding how he collects his yardage and touchdowns. That's it. Plus, he's a narc. When you factor in that I am admitting bias here, then why would he be in the top 5?

Dez Bryant may be a fucktard, but at least he isn't in any drug program. Plus, Dez is waaaaaaaaaaaay better.

It's no wonder that Seal left us. Browns fans are the fucking dumbest people on the planet.

Anonymous said...

Marshall should be ahead of Gordan and should probably be in the top three. Desean Jackson in the top ten is laughable but then again I can't wait until your redskin Souter bowl prediction again.

Larry

GMoney said...

SOUTER BOWL CHAMPS!

I had to bump Marshall down for his unauthorized green cleats. This site does not support mental health awareness just like The Shield.

Since we are talking diva receivas today, just a reminder FUCK CRIS CARTER 4 LIFE.

Prime99 said...

Did you Google Cris Carter and realize you hate him more?

GMoney said...

By the way, how stupid is Alex Mack? If he really wanted out (and he does) then why are you playing chicken with Haslam? Sign the goddamn transition tag offer and then walk next year. Now, the Browns match with ease and he's stuck. BRILLIANT DECISION, ALEX!