|Who has two thumbs and fucking hates Timmy Tenor?|
How do you rank running backs without relying too heavily on fantasy production? Fuck if I know. That’s way harder to do than listing off the stud diva receivas. I guess what it boils down to for me is “Who do I trust the most on a 4th and goal from the 1 to get into the endzone”. It isn’t rocket surgery. And allow me to answer your questions:
You: This is how you have these guys ranked?
You: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. End of fucking discussion.
10. Knowshon Moreno – I just read that Moreno signed with the Dolphins a few weeks ago. Some might think that last year was a fluke for the once bust and now good RB. I don’t think so. He runs hard and I doubt that Denver would have drafted Ball if they knew what they already had. Plus, he cries giant American tears.
9. Alfred Morris – He wasn’t all that great last year but no one on his team was so whatever. He has a good nose for the end zone and his home run celebration is always ELITE. Plus, for all of his asshole faults, Mike Shanahan doesn’t draft bad no-name running backs.
8. Frank Gore – I’ve turned the corner with Gore now that he is getting older. Seemingly forever, I have hated him and thought that he sucked but it just isn’t true. He’s actually quite underrated IMO. Franklin has stayed healthy recently and you are seeing what he can do. I’ve decided to stop hammering running backs for getting hurt because being a RB has to suck.
7. Arian Foster – Speaking of injuries! There is no doubt that a healthy Foster is one of the best around but you just can’t count on Foster to be a FACTORBACK for 16+ games. He’s also a vegan…in Texas. And he has a doppelganger out there taking selfies with sexy broads.
6. Eddie Lacy – I was going to exclude all rookie and second year running backs from this list but Lacy is just too much of a stud. This is exactly the kind of running back that the Packers have sought for years.
5. Matt Forte – Fuck you, Bears fans, I can’t wait to read all of your complaints today.
4. Jamaal Charles
3. LeSean McCoy – 3 and 4 kind of go hand in hand as Charles and McCoy have a lot of similarities with how they run and whatnot but I chose McCoy over Jamaal because I think that he’s more durable. Both are fantastic players though.
2. Marshawn Lynch – If you don’t get a bone watching Lynch run the ball then you are probably a straight man who doesn’t get horny over physical football. I may hate the Seahawks a lot but I love watching Lynch. He hits so hard.
You might wonder if I sought the council of Cakes as I worked on my Running Back Rankings. I did not. He is the type of fucktard that says things like “Ben Tate could be a top ten RB!”. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! My list didn’t even include Raymond Rice, Spiller, Reginald velBush, OR Toby Gerhart and you still think that Tate can be something that he never will become? Browns fans are so pug fugly that they’re cute. We are one week away from my ELITE QB Rankings—the crown jewel of player rankings—so hold on to your butts. I’m already arguing with myself over the slotting of so many manly studs with infinite ARM TALENT.