Friday, April 18, 2014

Factoring The Factorbacks

Who has two thumbs and fucking hates Timmy Tenor?
I kind of had a feeling that this miniseries on ELITEness would ruffle a few moron feathers and last week was no surprise. In case you missed it, I ranked the ten best wide receivers in the NFL. I had Josh Gordon ranked sixth because he is a drug addict. Browns fans—and ONLY Browns fans—argued that he is definitely a top 5 receiver. They argued about one slot. LOLZ! This week, though, we’re getting good pad level and bringing our lunch pails as we rank the ten best running backs. I’m sorry to disappoint you all but neither Trent Richardson or Danny Woodhead made the list. I did, however, have an early rough draft of Mike Alstott at 1 followed by Brad Muster and Tommy Vardell. Then I realized that it was just my Hall of Fame ballot (I get one) and started over.

How do you rank running backs without relying too heavily on fantasy production? Fuck if I know. That’s way harder to do than listing off the stud diva receivas. I guess what it boils down to for me is “Who do I trust the most on a 4th and goal from the 1 to get into the endzone”. It isn’t rocket surgery. And allow me to answer your questions:

You: This is how you have these guys ranked?
Me: Yes.
You: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. End of fucking discussion.

10. Knowshon Moreno – I just read that Moreno signed with the Dolphins a few weeks ago. Some might think that last year was a fluke for the once bust and now good RB. I don’t think so. He runs hard and I doubt that Denver would have drafted Ball if they knew what they already had. Plus, he cries giant American tears.
9. Alfred Morris – He wasn’t all that great last year but no one on his team was so whatever. He has a good nose for the end zone and his home run celebration is always ELITE. Plus, for all of his asshole faults, Mike Shanahan doesn’t draft bad no-name running backs.

8. Frank Gore – I’ve turned the corner with Gore now that he is getting older. Seemingly forever, I have hated him and thought that he sucked but it just isn’t true. He’s actually quite underrated IMO. Franklin has stayed healthy recently and you are seeing what he can do. I’ve decided to stop hammering running backs for getting hurt because being a RB has to suck.
7. Arian Foster – Speaking of injuries! There is no doubt that a healthy Foster is one of the best around but you just can’t count on Foster to be a FACTORBACK for 16+ games. He’s also a vegan…in Texas. And he has a doppelganger out there taking selfies with sexy broads.

6. Eddie Lacy – I was going to exclude all rookie and second year running backs from this list but Lacy is just too much of a stud. This is exactly the kind of running back that the Packers have sought for years.
5. Matt Forte – Fuck you, Bears fans, I can’t wait to read all of your complaints today.

4. Jamaal Charles
3. LeSean McCoy
– 3 and 4 kind of go hand in hand as Charles and McCoy have a lot of similarities with how they run and whatnot but I chose McCoy over Jamaal because I think that he’s more durable. Both are fantastic players though.

2. Marshawn Lynch – If you don’t get a bone watching Lynch run the ball then you are probably a straight man who doesn’t get horny over physical football. I may hate the Seahawks a lot but I love watching Lynch. He hits so hard.

1. Carlos Hyde Adrian Peterson – The shitty thing about running backs is the short shelf life for them to be at their most ELITE. I get the feeling that this year or maybe next will be it for All Day before he spends the rest of his life mourning his dead kid properly (right, former Tuesday writer?). Until then, we must enjoy how incredible this thoroughbred is. I really hope that the Vikings draft a decent QB this year to go along with their pretty good receiving corps and allow Peterson to OWN shit once more. You give me Johnny Football, Peterson, and Cordarelle Patterson and I’ll give you an offense that is fun as fuck to watch.

You might wonder if I sought the council of Cakes as I worked on my Running Back Rankings. I did not. He is the type of fucktard that says things like “Ben Tate could be a top ten RB!”. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! My list didn’t even include Raymond Rice, Spiller, Reginald velBush, OR Toby Gerhart and you still think that Tate can be something that he never will become? Browns fans are so pug fugly that they’re cute. We are one week away from my ELITE QB Rankings—the crown jewel of player rankings—so hold on to your butts. I’m already arguing with myself over the slotting of so many manly studs with infinite ARM TALENT.


GMoney said...


Mr. Ace said...

Shady McCoy is the best RB. I don't care what your stupid fucking criteria is. Shady does it all better than anybody else. He also never takes big hits so he will be ELITE longer.

The Eagles have 2 Top 10 guys on their team, with Sproles now in the fold. Obvs not gonna be ramming the ball between the tackles but if my choice is between Knowshon, Alf Mo, Gore or Sproles I am taking Sproles.

I love Beast Mode, but Charles is better.


GMoney said...

Since it appears that it will be just you and me today, let me just say LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Darren Sproles!!! Has Sproles even had a 4th and 1 carry?

Shady better than All Day? Maybe at not fathering deceased bastards.

Randall Stevens said...

The reason people question your ranking system is because last week:

"A guy’s fantasy stats aren’t weighed all that much."

Then you said: "Like, for instance, Andre Johnson did not make today’s list because he is always OVERRATED in fantasy drafts and I doubt that he has ever helped anyone win a title."

You said fantasy isn't weighed that much then decided to leave one of the games best receivers off this list because of fantasy football.

And again today you leave Ray Rice off for Knowshon Moreno and Alfred Morris. Once bad year doesn't completely erase 3 years of ELITEness.

Cakes said...

Beb Tate belongs in the top 5 OBVZ.

Cakes said...

BTW, I take back my slightly racist evaluation of this Tanaka character before the season started. He appears to be a fucking buzzsaw. Even the greatest baseball fan of all time gets player evaluations wrong every once in awhile.

GMoney said...

I believe that Ray Ray is done as an ELITE RB due to all the pounding he has taken in college and the pros and plus he beats women like Carlos Hyde. If you are losing carries to Bernard fucking Pierce then you probably aren't a top ten RB. Sorry, there's the door.

When did "fantasy stats" = "OVERRATED in fantasy drafts"? It does not. They are different things because I use my bias to hate a guy for always getting picked higher/costing more than he should when his production and health status do not warrant such high praise. Again, there's the door.

Keep drafting CJ Spiller #3 though, bro.

Bill Laimbeer will always be a faggot by the way.

GMoney said...

Cakes, for as great as Tatanka has looked so far, let's hold our butts a little bit. Teams are seeing him for the first time and it isn't like the Jays, O's, and Cubs are the ELITE of the ELITE. However, his K/BB ratio is incredible.

Randall Stevens said...

Moreno can't beat out Willis McGahee's corpse to start, can't stay healthy, has one decent season, almost gets cut last year because Denver drafts a running back early then goes to a different team because Denver no longer wants/needs him. Top 10 back.

Rice has one bad year and loses carries to a guy because he's banged up and the team wants to keep him on the field/elongate his career. Not top 10.


GMoney said...

I would rather give the rock to Moreno, in 2014, than Ray Rice. Not hard to figure out. It is for you. Anyone else struggling with this very simple logic?

Mr. Ace said...

Moreno and Rice both suck. How about that? I think Moreno will have a better year than Rice tho. Rice be gettin old.

I would also take Gio Bernard before either of them

Randall Stevens said...

Anyone who attempts to argue at any point that Santonio Holmes is a top 20 WR should never be taken seriously.

And Moreno is a fumble machine. Good guy to trust with the rock. Is your dream backfield Moreno splitting carries with Stevan Ridley?

Prime99 said...

I have no problem with Forte at 5. That won't stop me from tweeting at him later, tho.

I fucking hate the Blues but I had a show so I couldn't watch (the fucking Sharks trying to choke their game away was on instead.)

Cakes said...

I agree with Mr. Ace. Having an arguement about Moreno and Rice is awful. They both are getting old/suck and deserve to be put out to pasture.

GMoney said...

For the last time, back when you had your own terrible blog, I ranked Santonio as a TOP TEN receiver. I own that like I own you (yes slavery).

I love me some Gio but it's hard for me to trust a guy who split time with BJGE AKA the most average player in NFL history. In 12 months, Gio could be a top 5 back. Right now? Not so much.

Moreno does not suck. Neither does Rice but he's going to get to suck a lot faster than Knowshon.

Randall Stevens said...

Cakes calls Moreno old. Doesn't realize he's only 1 year older than "top 10 back" Ben Tate.

GMoney said...

Cakes RB Rankings:

1. Carlos EL GUAPO Hyde
2. Ben Tate
3. Richie Earl

Last. Everyone else

Mr. Ace said...

The game is changing, BRAH. A back who can run, catch and pass protect is wear the most value is at RB. Which is why I would prefer a Gio/Sproles over a Moreno/Rice. Also why I would take Shady/Charles/Forte over Peterson. How many games are determined by a 4th and goal from the 1 scenario? The answer 5 every year. And that has way more to do with line push than RB.

AlfMo is a one hit wonder.

Prime99 said...

To be fair, Tate's Wins Above Cakes is very high.

GMoney said...

4th and Goal from the 1 never happens anymore. You're dumber than Rando. But that is the caveat that I went with as a means to state who I TRUST MOST to get me that yard to go along with everything else that they present in their RB Package of Skills.

Anyone else agree with Ape's OVERRATING of Sproles? Didn't think so. He's fine at what he is: an 8-10 touch player but he sure as hell isn't getting a carry when games are on the line. Get the fuck out of here.

AlfMo is not a one year wonder. More of a "once in a lifetime playa", bruh!