Thursday, April 24, 2014

Attack of the Killer Korn Kobs

Yes, I would like to get all of the vaccinations
Sunday evening I had a killer grill session. I had a gift card to Home Depot, so I stopped and picked up some things, like a grill basket for fish and some cedar planks. I grilled up some Mahi Mahi, after coating it with minced garlic, olive oil, and lemon juice. I grilled some Corn on the cob, after soaking them in water for 20 minutes and throwing them straight on the grill, no shucking beforehand. Then grilled asparagus to bring it all together. GREAT FUCKING GRILL SESH.

Then at about 7:30 PM Mrs. Ace catches Dexter, my tank of a Pit mix, sniffing in the trash. At 7:32 we find corn kernels all over the floor in the Florida room. At 7:35 we search through the trash and discover that Dexter has eaten 3 corn cobs. Being an ELITE animal owner, I know that these cobs are dangerous and can cause an obstruction because the hard center of the cobs can't be digested. My first thought is that I need to get him to puke this shit up. I know I could have him ingest some peroxide and make him puke, but I'd rather not go that route. So I take him outside and play some hardcore rope tug. Like the neighbors probably thought I was a homeless person fighting this dog for scraps. He still doesn't puke. I get him to drink a bowl of water. Still doesn't puke. Well, fuck.

All while I am doing this, Mrs. Ace is looking up fucking horror stories on the internet about dogs becoming flesh eating zombies or spontaneously combusting while trying to puke up corn cobs. So now I have to question my methods, because I don't want a zombie Dexter. Looks like I have to call....THE VET! FUCK!

Obviously my Vet is not in because it is Easter evening, and I don't really care for her that much anyways. So I call up MedVet and see what they have to say. They are very helpful and informative, and tell me that the best thing to do is to bring him in for some scans to see where the cobs are and how big they are. So off to MedVet we go.

So we get in the car and all I can think is that I am about to drop a G on this damn dog because I am an idiot who didn't bury the cobs and he is an ass hole. It's about a 15 minute drive and the entire time I am swerving, jamming my breaks, rolling one window down so the entire car vibrates to the point of almost busting your eardrum, and doing anything I can think of to get this dog to puke. I have never bargained with a dog before, but I offered him steak dinners for a month, free reign of the house while I am gone so he can chase the cat, nonstop peanut butter filled bones, and endless bitches for him to sex. Still no puke.

So we get to MedVet and Dexter gets taken back pretty quickly, just going to do some scans and then come talk with us about what is next. Should only take 15 minutes. So 45 minutes go by and I am totally mindfucking myself. I consider myself to be a rational and strong minded person, but even I can't keep the absolute worst scenarios from running through my head...or the craziest. My mind is switching between Dexter dying a horrible death of choking on his own vomit and corn cobs and the doctors calling the authorities as we wait because the scan revealed he ate a chainsaw because he totally would.

Finally after about an hour the Vet comes back and apologizes, saying she had to deal with an emergency situation. They have done the scans and they can't find any whole cobs, or anything that they are even sure is a corn cob. To the point where they are questioning if it was actually Dexter who ate the cobs and not my other dog. This is good news to me because that means he pulverized that shit while chowing down. The Vet says they want to give him some drugs that will make him puke it all up. Should only take about 15 minutes.

15 minutes goes by. 30 minutes. 45 minutes. A FUCKING HOUR! Now I'm fucking positive they had to have emergency surgery and rip his fucking stomach open. Again, wife is going to lose her fucking mind if this dog dies, and that's not okay because I am going to lose my fucking do I explain this to my other dog? I going to have to pay for this shit? Finally, the Vet comes out and says he finally started puking(because he's a tank) and it's A LOT. We have to hang around for another 45 minutes or so to let the drugs wear off, but we are home free.

What a fucking night. And what a fucking ass hole. The people at MedVet were pretty spectacular in their service. I hate all hospital/doctor/vet type places, but my 4 hours spent there was alright. Also, when I told the tech that I only gave my dogs seasonal heartworm meds, I got a smiling nod of approval. Finally, somebody who doesn't want to poison other people's animals to put money in their pocket. NEVER FORGET!

We all seem to be a bunch of animal loving people, which means you have all probably found yourself in similar situations. Lets all come together today and discuss our own animal scares.



Anonymous said...

What was the vet bill?


Mr. Ace said...

Vet bill was just north of $400, which I thought was pretty reasonable as I was totally prepared to spend about double that.

NWA was bananas last night!!!

Jeff said...

So pretty much pull your goalie and let the other team score first in this series and if at any point the game is 3-1 in your favor you might as well quit, cause you lose. What a series.

GMoney said...

Dexter needs to ask his old man how to properly deep throat a corn cob. Count it.

I feel like this is all karmic payback for your disrepectin' of Mrs. Ward who will hopefully be back in 3...2...1...

I've already told all of my vet stories but what's the deal with them asking for a yearly poop sample? Dude bro, I don't want to drive around with a bag of shit in my car. I feel like this is a big con for them to LOL at all of us.

GMoney said...

What an amazing scene last night. That building deserved all the INTENSITY gold stars.

*If you want a molten hot crowd to fall silent, just give up 3 goals in the first ten minutes.

*Unfortunately, we were not to be denied. My brethren were ELITE all night long.

*Having been to a Pens/CBJ game in the regular season that saw a 50/50 split, I would say last night was 90/10 in the home team's favor. That's good fan-manship!

*Goddamn we were loud.

*I have no idea why Pittsburgh only plays one good period of hockey per game but I'll take it. They have no chance of winning a Cup by doing this.

*I also don't blame Fleury. He isn't good, for sure, but they got outshot by TWENTY last night! He's playing even with the Vezina winner. Their shortcomings are on their stars, not the goalie.

*I almost blacked out when Dubi tied it up with 23 seconds left. Not kidding. Too much emotion, too fast. It was an ELITE feeling.

*Foligno's GWG followed by the power slide was awesome. That one is on Fleury. Not sure if anyone heard about this, but Nicky told the team in the locker room before OT that he was going to pot the winner. ELITE foreshadowing!

*Walking out of the building amongst the throngs of CBJ fans was a lot of fun. Just a ton of CBJ! chants.

Best of 3, bruhs, and I mos def think that we can win this bitch. That was one of the most fun nights that I've had as a fan in a long time.


Jeff said...

LOL Michael Pineda. At least try to be discrete about it.

Mr. Ace said...

Crazy atmosphere.

The Pens are really smooth and way more skilled than the CBJ. For some reason we refused to rough them up in the first period. But once that second period started it was a completely different game.

I ended up at Garage Bar until about 11:15 because traffic was fucking insane. I was hoping it would be rowdier there and feature a lot of CBJ chants. It did not. I had a friend at R Bar and walked back up there but that place was at capacity. Columbus totes showed up last night.

I am now 2-0 at CBJ games.

I will be very disappointed if Mrs. Ward doesn't show.

GMoney said...

Pineda gives no fucks. That is certain.

Daniel said...

I had a dog die unexpectedly from surgery and a dog that needed an eye removed = winner me. Note I was not obliged to pay for the surgery that killed the one dog as you were wondering.

In addition, my Bulldog had a triple surgery last year (ironically, he had a combination of conditions that 1) cost my one dog his eye and 2) killed my other dog). I would say during the 6 years of being a dog owner, I've probably paid close to $7k in vet bills.

Prime99 said...

I watch the BJ's win in OT (thanks NHL Network for not being on my Directv package like all the other sports!) then watched the ELITE Blackhawks win in similar fashion. Kane's game winner was beautiful.

Ace, good work by bowing down to the Vet and not killing your dog.

Randall Stevens said...

"Also, when I told the tech that I only gave my dogs seasonal heartworm meds, I got a smiling nod of approval."

Ape telling Ide sized lies about his vet trip. Mrs. Ward not showing up to rock Ace's anus today would be one of the biggest letdowns in blog history.

Ironically 1 year ago today I had to put my dog down. Miss that fucker every day.

Mr. Ace said...

Prime, but the vet did EXACTLY what I was trying to do!!! But yes, going was still the right decision.

RS, that is totes not a lie. #FACTS is all I am dropping.

GMoney said...

Rando, I remember that post. That was a heart-wrencher. It's been all downhill since. Wait a minute--that post was written byt The Snowman! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE???

Dogs should only need immediate medical attention on MY schedule. Stop waiting until 11 pm to have an insane allergy attack/break out in full body hives, dammit!

GMoney said...

Weren't we on NBC Sports last night? I thought that we were.

Prime99 said...

Yes, CBJ was on NBCS and the OT bumped the start of the Hawks game to another channel I don't have. Thanks for making it quick!

GMoney said...

Gotcha...not sure why you would want to watch an inferior product over an ELITE squadron with zero quadroons (Archer racism reference!) but whatevs.

Randall Stevens said...

Maybe this fictional Snow Guy and I had dogs die around the same time or something.

I was in Worthington last night at this place called Old Bag of Nails? Is that right? Some pretty weak carrying going on in that joint. The most ELITE thing that went on there was the burger I ate that had fried salami on it.

Randall Stevens said...

Oh...and go Mavs!!!

GMoney said...

Rando, I saw a guy at NWA that looked exactly like your older broseph. I assume that it was a mirage but I felt the urge to lob a couple of touchdown bombs his way nonetheless.

Randall Stevens said...

Since they serve beer at NWA, it's possible it was him. But then there's that whole hockey thing. That probably trumps the beer aspect of it.

Anonymous said...

1. I am happy your dog is okay and that they did not have to go to surgery on him for being a little dickwad and eating a corn cob.
2. MedVet is GREAT! Our old man is there today getting his thyroid removed. They were voted best specialty hospital in America.
3. The tech you talked to at MedVet does zero general practice, so she has absolutely no clue about heartworm prevention. I bet if you rephrased the question to "do you keep your dog on heartworm prevention year round" her answer would have been yes.
4. It really sucks that you wanted to chap my ass about heartworm pills because I would have been MORE than happy to meet you at my clinic to take x-rays and to give him medication to vomit as well as consult with my veterinarian. That would have substantially LESS than 400 dollars. Either way I am glad you took him somewhere(even though you tried to make him vomit with rough play first?)
5. Sorry to everyone that this is not more of an ass raping for Mr. Ace. Let's see what asinine comments he comes back with.

Mrs. Ward

GMoney said...

I heart Mrs. Ward but only when she scolds the Ape. This was more of a "meh" performance no offense.

If you want to LOL at Ace, he told me last night that the dog got into the cobs because he COMPOSTS! WHAT A FUCK!

Anonymous said...

Ape composts? What a fucking asshole.


Prime99 said...

Ide probably composted before any of us had even heard of composting.

Mr. Ace said...

Mrs. Ward, I am an ass chapper. What can I say. I did almost contact Larry to get your expertise, but it was Easter evening and I am a gentleman and didn't want to bother anyone...and I was scared you would confiscate my dog.

We will disagree foeva regarding Heartworm prevention meds and that's okay.

I thought for sure loading him up with water and playing hardcore tug of war would do the job. Guess not.

And yes, I compost. I have a garden. So suck it.

Anonymous said...

I hope your plans this weekend will be to get a fence around your compost or you will end up at MedVet for more than just eating a corn cob.

Pet insurance is defiantly something to look into.

Randall having a silver lab is like having a genetic mess I would jump on the insurance boat now if you have not already.

GMoney once you have that baby I'm sure your dog will go on the back burner unfortunately.

Sorry to disappoint today, but Ace was pretty right on with his actions.

Carry the flag!

Mrs. Ward

Nibbles said...

I'm not really digging the whole giving Ace credit for anything thing.

Prime99 said...

Mrs. Ward carries? I figured the Wards were Blackhawks fans. Big letdown.

Anonymous said...

Ace deserves credit for nothing.

I have never really watched hockey until last night. I watched the CBJ and Blackhawks games. Playoff hockey is tits! My older self wants to slap my younger self for always camparing hockey to soccer as a child.

Dogs are ridiculously expensive. Thank god I married a vet tech who gets everything at cost she something's for free


Randall Stevens said...

Whoah! Let's leave Randall's silver lab out of this!! My dog will probably die of retardation before anything else. I doubt pet insurance covers that.

GMoney said...

Oh yeah, I'm TOTES swooning on Mrs. Ward carrying the flag!

Whatevs...the baby is going to learn early that the dog was here first. DEAL WITH IT, KID.

Anonymous said...

Don't be fooled we are Blackhawks fans (now that I started watching hockey) her coworker is a flag carry and wanted Mrs. Ward to add that.


Anonymous said...

Larry please don't tell me who to cheer for. After watching 30 minutes of hockey for the first time last night I've decided to be a die hard Jackets fan. Also hockey jerseys are really cute, I'm going to have to get one of those.

Mrs. Ward

Prime99 said...

Mrs. Ward wrecks shop. Sometimes it's against dickholes spread Vet lies, and sometimes it's against UGGZ wearing husbands.

GMoney said...

It makes sense that Larry wears Uggs considering he isn't allowed to wear underwear with dick holes in 'em.

Prime99 said...

Haters Ball reference ^^^

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put water in Ape's momma's dish.