Thursday, March 27, 2014

You Know How I Know Your Dog's A Pussy?

BECAUSE IT'S A BEAGLE. BITCH.
Yeah. I would sit down too.
If your dog is a giant fucking pussy dog then stop reading now and go read a Perez Hilton article or something gayer than that(NOT POSSIBLE). If you own a beagle, vagina, chihuahua, shih tzu, border collie, and/or not a pair of balls then this post will probably make you angry.  And that's a good thing because you're probably a fucking pussy who mouth kisses your rat dog while adding a y to the end of their name. It's time to man up.

Now just let me put a little disclaimer out there as far as the dogs that I have owned recently. Shortly before I graduated from college my parents got a Greyhound that I pretty much adopted as my own. He was 95 lbs of pure steel and the biggest greyhound I have ever seen. He was also deaf, suffered from seizures, and died from cancer at a fairly young age. I loved that dog. While I was still living in NW Ohio we got an all white German Shepherd. His name is Samson and he is the smartest dog I have ever personally came across. Like he will look you in your eyes and you just know that he on another level compared to all dogs you have encountered before. And I am currently the proud owner of two dogs that I have rescued, one a German Shepherd(Mack) and the other a Lab/Pitbull mix(Dexter: named after Eddie Murphy comedy skit, not terrible television show). As you can see, I am a fan of manly dogs. Because I am a man. And when I consider my dog breeds I rate them as a man would, not as a pussy.

Honorable Mention:
Husky
Burnese Mountain Dog
Mastiff
Great Dane
Boxer
Bulldog

6. Rhodesian Ridgeback. Ever since I lived in German Village I have been in love with these dogs. They have the perfect temperament for a dog, balancing between "I KNOW I CAN FUCK YOU UP" and "I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO THE HUMAN WHO FEEDS ME".  If I could get over my innate lover for the next several breeds then I would totally get a Rhody...which I'm pretty sure is another name for road head. And you can't go wrong with that.

5. Greyhound. If you own a Greyhound then you own a dog that is the fastest species of dog on this earth. THE FASTEST FUCKING DOG ON EARTH AND YOU CAN OWN IT. Seriously, you can show up to any dog park and throw your tennis ball and be 100% sure that your dog will dominate every other dog in the park. That's a great fucking feeling. Unfortunately, these dogs don't have a long life after they are done racing. Even more reason to give them a good life when they are ready to be adopted.

4.  Pitbull. I am going to educate all of you right now; there is not such thing as a Pitbull breed. When people refer to a "Pitbull" they are usually referring to American Pit Bull Terriers and American Staffordshire Terriers, and often people are dumb enough to include the Bull Terrier, Staffordshire Bull Terier, and the American Bulldog. If you're afraid of "Pitbulls" then you are as old, dumb, and disgruntled as Grumpy. Don't be that guy. These dogs are awesome. Yet they are the dog that is most likely to be put to death in a shelter. Also, they can make you money by killing other dogs.

3. Dogo Argentino. This was my favorite dog breed for the longest time and if I could guarantee that my next breed was a pure breed Dogo then I totes would. But that is really tough to do. But the story on these dogs is that they are tough enough to hunt down wild boor, yet gentle enough to raise your children. This also happens to be the dog in the top photograph. It's a monster that can defend you from anything, while letting your kids pull on its' face in their ass hole ways. This is the dog widely regarded as the greatest dog breed in the world and I can't totally disagree.

2. German Shepherd: Widely recognized as one of the smartest dogs in the world, this breed is my absolute fave. I am totally bias in this opinion, but I don't care. My dog Mack is the best dog I have ever come across despite the fact that people treated him like shit for the entire first year of his existence. He has also figured out how to open the bathroom door and the sliding patio door, he's MY GUY. It doesn't hurt that we adopted a Pitbull that destroys everything and makes Mack look like a 10 year old kid with manners. But he's the best and nothing can change that.

1. Mutt. GO TO THE FUCKING SHELTER AND GET A DOG!!! Here are available dogs at the Franklin County Shelter. Seriously, breeders are the devil and the pet stores that sell dogs from puppy mills are demons. Human beings are fucking terrible species, there is no reason that dogs should be getting put to sleep everyday because you are too much of an ass hole to save their life. Don't be a fuck. Or even if you are a fuck, just save a dog.

If your dog weighs less than 50 pounds then it is just a large cat. And if it's not a breed mentioned here then it might as well just be a pet gerbil. SUPPORT REAL DOGS BEFORE THEY BECOME EXTINCT. And Labs and Retrievers are the same thing, and by same thing I mean the lamest dogs in the world. If you have a Lab you probably drive a minivan and hate your life.

And lets never forget that Ide buttfucks Border Collies no matter their sex or color. Never forget that.

71 comments:

MuDawgfan said...

I will admit, I had to look up what a "dogo argentino" was.
That pure white dog has to cost an arm and a leg!

Mr. Ace said...

MUDawg, they are magnificent beasts. But because of how they look they often get lumped in with "Pitbulls" and end up in kill shelters. There are Dogo Rescues all over the place because of this. The more you know.

GMoney said...

Jesus Christ, what a douche bag this guy is. You want to know what the right dog is? Your dog. Not what some vegan cockbreath says. It sure as shit isn't a pitbull. LOL at that. Yeah, that's what I want...a dog that ghetto trash like to fight!

Dogo Argentino sounds like a fake breed of dog owned by Steven Spielbergo.

The only thing that I can agree with is that you should own one and that you should try to adopt from a shelter.

GMoney said...

Here's an actual helpful hint:

If the dog yips, no.
If the dog barks, yes.

That is all you need to know. Yipping dogs are worse than feminists.

Cakes said...

Amen! Don't be a cocksucker and drive a state away to get some "pure" breed from a fucker you met on the internet. there are plenty of awesome dogs at the shelter that need a home. my shepherd/Burmese mix is the greatest and he basically picked me when I went to the shelter. nothing more satisfying than saving a dog from being killed or having a miserable life in a no-kill kennel.

Anonymous said...

The first decent Thursday around here in a while... good post - except I don't care how big or small your dog is, don't treat them like shit.

My 80 lb all white American bulldog/pointer/mutt, who was rescued, is cooler than 99% of the people I talk to everyday.

Dogs are awesome and cats fucking suck.

Seal

Jeff said...

"Don't be a cocksucker and drive a state away to get some "pure" breed from a fucker you met on the internet."

Do be a cock sucker and drive hours away to eat ribs with people you met on the internet.

I currently have 3 rescues at home. 2 are ours and 1 is a foster and we have a family coming to see it this weekend. This is the second foster this year. My wife is crazy.

GMoney said...

I remember you talking about your insane wife at Ribfest, Jeff. As long as she doesn't start hoarding orphan kids, you'll be alright.

All of our dogs are better than everyone else's because that is how it works. I'm sure that Paris Hilton feels that her purse dog is way better than Ape's guard dogs. Ape sucks.

GMoney said...

I'd bet that Sidney Crosby owns a few cats.

Cakes said...

Well played, Jeff!

I remember hearing Jeff's story at Ribfest too. Sounds like he has the chance to come home to a new dog every day! Sounds awesome and horrifying at the same time.

Mr. Ace said...

Yippers are the worst. This is a manly blog and that requires manly dogs.

But yes, ADOPT or DIE

Grumpy said...

Men who must have "manly" dogs are compensating for their small dicks. I'm sure Ide can verify that is the case with Ace.

Cakes said...

There is a yipper next door that I want to murder. The "husband" isn't fooling anybody when he's outside "working" on his car. If you allow that type of animal into your home, I have to assume he's sipping white wine spritzers and listening to Barbara Streisand under that hood.

Nibbles said...

I don't really give a shit what type of dog you have. I would just like the comfort of knowing that if I step foot in your house, you have control over your own dog and it listens to you. Having a small dog doesn't make you a bitch. Having a dog you can't control and doesn't respect or listen to you does.

Jeff said...

Yes, this most recent foster was like a drug deal going down. I get a call from my wife and she has already arranged for me to meet some random lady in a Kroger parking lot near my work to pick up a dog.

You guys see those Tibetan Mastiff studs that sold for $2 Million??? Those fuckers look like lions.

Mr. Ace said...

I can't believe I forgot to mention Grumpy's blatant dog racism. I bet he owns a poodle.

GMoney said...

REAL MEN don't need a big, mean dog to protect themselves because they handle their business like a man. I'm talking about fisticuffs and putting up your dukes. Having Cujo attack your enemy is pussy shit. Dogs are man's best friend, not Z-Man Security.

That being said, the only dog not worth a shit is @dutdog.

^^^You will not find a better sentence on this site today.

Mr. Ace said...

Nibbles, having a small dog makes you a bitch. It just does, man. But I totes agree on your point about being able to control your dogs. Commenter Daniel has a fucking hellhound American Bulldog that runs his house and gives no fucks. The first time I met this dog it knocked my six pack out of my hands and broke the bottles and jumped on Mrs. Ace and gave her a fat lip. Pretty sure they just gave the dog a treat to get it away. Dut can vouch for Daniel's terrible dog ownership.

I saw those Tibetan Mastiffs...aka Grizzly Bears. Those things are incredible.

I know I have bitched about people bringing yippers into the big dog section at a dog park before. But it happened again and the lady says "Oh she's pretty tough and can handle herself". THE DOG IS 12 FUCKING POUNDS!!! Get that rat out of here before another dog eats it. Seriously, if that thing would be running around my yard my dogs would think it's a squirrel and try to destroy it. Fucking people.

Anonymous said...

Team Rescue.

Team don't give a fuck how big your dog is. My girlfriend and I have a 12 lb dog and he's fucking awesome. He rarely barks...never heard a "yip"...he hides his bones all over the place like a boss dog...and he loves playing tug of war even if it's easy to kick his ass in it. I've also lived with a boxer and loved her as well. As long as the dog is cool....don't give a fuck how big it is.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Ape likes his dogs as he loves his penises...thick, strong, and veiny.

Personality is way more important than size.

Anonymous said...

Never thought I would see a dog snob. What a homo.

Anonymous said...

I had a chow growing up. This beast was about 65 lbs of tungsten steel. And sharp as a tack. The fucker knew how to unlock and open our sliding door, so he let himself out AT WILL. His favorite maneuver was spearing the back of your knee while pawing your ankles. You went down every time. He also listened to EVERYTHING my dad said and rarely what I said which was stupid since it was my dog.

Beagles are awful.

Corgi's are acceptable dogs as well because they are corgis.

Ide

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at the Pistons for blowing a 16 4th quarter lead to a Kyrie-less Cavs. Also LOLZ at the TWO free throw airballs by Drummond (who missed a foot to the left - how is that even possible) and ghetto Smiff.

Seal

Anonymous said...

I think that's the second 16+ 4th quarter point lead that the Pistons have given up in a week. I wish they had won...but, it does benefit them to keep losing. If they don't get a top 8 pick then they lose the pick...and that would make this season completely worthless...as opposed to almost completely worthless like it is now.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Drew - I think I actually agree with you... you guys should keep losing, as should the stupid Cavs. Although there are so many teams tanking right now, its hilarious - and shows how big of a joke the NBA is.

Seal

GMoney said...

Dion Waiters has looked like a superstar ever since he punked Tim Hardaway Jr at the Rising Stars Game. IF he and Kyrie can figure out how to play together, that would be an ELITE backcourt (for Mike Brown to ruin).

Hey Ide, my dog is better than yours. Go get a chihuahua, hipster faggot.

Anonymous said...

Your dog is in fact LESS ELITE than every dog due to it being a beagle. I listed a chow, and then spoke kindly of corgi's, and you stick me with a Beaner rat breed?

Hipsters LOVE Shiba Inu's. They're fucking everywhere out here. And bulldogs.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Once our two dogs pass away we are going to start rescuing the older dogs at the pound but you better believe that the dog will be over 50 pounds.

Never trust a guy that owns a cat or a small dog

Larry

Anonymous said...

Slow...it really is a joke that it's viewed as being just fine that Philly has lost 25 in a row. There has never been a better example of giving zero fucks than them. There has to be some sort of mechanism that can be put into place to stop shit like that. It's pathetic. How can htey not be refunding their season ticket holders money?

--Drew

GMoney said...

You don't even own a dog yet have no problem judging winners that do and admitted that you enjoyed having a beagle growing up. Nothing about you makes any sense. You would love my little bro anyway since he has a tendency to bark at blacks/Somali pirates.

Drew, are you asking me to fix the tanking problem in a future post? Because I TOTES could.

Cakes said...

I guess Im cool with small dogs as Long as they are cool. I just know i could never have one. its kind of the way I feel about sleeping with a black chick.

GMoney said...

But what if you OWNED said black chick??? If it's good enough for Thomas Jefferson, it should be good enough for Cakes.

Anonymous said...

Yes, G$....I need you to fix this tanking problem.

Cakes...you could definitely live with a small dog.

--Drew

Cakes said...

I don't need a small dog. I already have two cats that constantly walk directly under me and knock everything off of every table so the dogs can get it. It's a real team effort at the Cakes household.

I have known many small dogs that were awesome. I just would never get one.

Anonymous said...

Rescue any dog you would like whether it be big or small. Train it right so it is not a completely idiot that doesn't know how to behave and make sure you have more than enough money to care for it. That includes expensive emergencies! Nothing pisses the veterinary community off more than people who come in with a $3,000 bulldog from a pet store, but can't "afford" it heartworm prevention each month.
Millions of dogs are euthanized in the shelter every year. Most "breeders" are backyard breeders that only do it to make money and could give 2 shits about the well being of the animal. Also spay and neuter because nothing is more gross then a pair of testicles swinging around at the dog park while trying to hump everything it can.

Mrs. Ward

GMoney said...

A lady! Be nice, everyone. If the next Ward to show up isn't Tom Ward, I'm going to be pissed.

Mrs. Ward, I once had a woman cut my hair that went on an ELITE rant about how the Amish were some of the worst puppy mill/dog abusers out there. I had never heard of this and did absolutely zero follow up research. Is this even remotely true? Because if it is, I don't care how great your buttered noodles are, if you treat a dog like garbage, I'm going to root against you and your kin.

GMoney said...

Drew, I'm on the case. Give me a little time and I will fix the NBA and give everyone a more ELITE draft.

Cakes, your zoo has to be LULZ. I guarantee that if I owned a ten pound dog, I would step on it and crush it within three hours.

Anonymous said...

Yes! The Amish are terrible people. I was unaware of this as well until I started working in a vet clinic. They will sell "batches" of a 100 or more puppies to pet stores every month. They bring all different breeds and do not care for them. If they are too sick to sell or have any sort of genetic deformities they are given back and then I'm sure are not humanly euthanized and probably killed in some sort of gross manner. I have zero use for the Amish.

Mrs. Ward

Anonymous said...

"You don't even own a dog yet have no problem judging winners that do and admitted that you enjoyed having a beagle growing up."

Semi-correct. My parents got my brother and I a beagle when I was 3 or 4. We had it for a week before my brother and I demanded our parents get rid of it. I don't remember too much about him except that he had the tendency to walk sideways (we called him "Sideways"). But, if he was bad enough for children who love all animals to send him back, that must mean its a terrible dog.

I think he bit my brother too. But that would make me enjoy that dog more.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Heartworm prevention is the biggest racket ever, especially if you don't live in a swamp or jungle. IN YOUR FACE Mrs. Ward.

I like my big scary dogs because I enjoy my dogs breaking all stereotypes held by dumb people. Think this 100 lb. Pit Mix is a vicious killer? Watch it play with these kids and then get owned by my parents panther sized cat. Or not kill your rat dog at the dog park even though it is trying to hump him. I support the dogs that get a bad rep because ass holes have turned some of them into monsters.

I know a guy whose German Shepherd was impregnated by a wolf. He now has 8 wolf/GS mixes and that's just fucking awesome.

GMoney said...

The guy you know is a fucking terrible owner then for allowing his dog to get raped by a wolf.

OK, so it's settled. We're going to kill the Amish.

Cakes said...

does lebanon levi know about this dog racket?

Telling me there are GS-Wolf hybrid puppies out there makes me happy and a little turned on.

Anonymous said...

"Heartworm prevention is the biggest racket ever, especially if you don't live in a swamp or jungle. IN YOUR FACE Mrs. Ward"

Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize you could only get bit by mosquitoes in the swamp or jungle. I thought those were the little itchy bites we received in warm months. I'm sure you also believe your dogs are immune to fleas and intestinal parasites as well.IN YOUR FACE Mr. Ace

Mrs. Ward

Randall Stevens said...

LOL Ace, dog police. I also love how Ace is telling someone who works in a vet clinic that certain medications are bullshit. Ace probably waltzes into doctors offices and tries telling them how to do their jobs, too. What a boob. Go tighten up your tin hat, Mr. Conspiracy theorist.

I have a lab and all I know is that goofy bastard is happy as shit when I get home and can do pretty much every trick any other dog can do. So he's loyal and smart just like all of these other dogs you rattled off. So you're not a lab guy. That doesn't make labs inferior dogs, fart dick.

Anonymous said...

I think I'm in love with Mrs. Ward.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Oh Snap!

This is what needs to happen for your dog to get heartworms:

1) The temperature needs to stay above 57 degrees for 8 to 30 days.
2) A mosquito has to bite a dog that already has microfilaria in its bloodstream.
3) That mosquito has to then bite your dog or cat 8-30 days later.
4) You must give the heartworm preventative medication within 6 weeks of mosquito bite to kill microfilaria in the blood and prevent the larvae from growing to adulthood.

Pretty much all Vets recommend year round heartworm prevention even though it is totally unnecessary. Because they are greedy, terrible people and so is everybody associated with them.

Anonymous said...

Ape's take on vets could be worse than his take on diet pop.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Ape : heartworm :: Jenny McCarthy : vaccines

In case you sucked at the SAT, I'm saying that you are a fucking idiot, don't know what you're talking about, and shut up.

Doctors also recommend that humans get a rubella shot and no one has had that since 1748. DEAL WITH IT.

I love how Ape's Dog Day has turned into everyone hating him and laughing at him. This is the best.

Cakes said...

Damn! Ace coming up and in with the hard stuff today.

I'm learning way more about heartworms than I thought I was going to when getting up this morning.

I like our vet! I'm happy to pay him a $100 a few times a year for vaccinations and peace of mind. Maybe it's more than needed but it makes me feel better.

Mr. Ace said...

I bring the HOT VET TAEKS. And I am obvs joking as far as vets being evil. But am totes serious about the heartworm thing.

Anonymous said...


"Pretty much all Vets recommend year round heartworm prevention even though it is totally unnecessary. Because they are greedy, terrible people and so is everybody associated with them."

So when your dogs get sick, where are you going to take them? I hope (ONLY for your poor dog's sake) that they are healthy and stay that way.

I am glad you know how to use Google to get basic information on heartworm disease. What you fail to understand is there ARE mosquitoes that carry microfilaria at the correct time to bite another dog and the dog CAN contract heartworm disease- so for less that $75/year (heartworm pills are cheap!!) why would you take the chance? Are you going to watch for every mosquito to land on your dog and bite him then count down the days to give him the pill? That is why vets recommend year-round preventative, to be on the safe side. Not to greedily take your $6.25/month and go on shopping sprees.

Sadly for your dogs, you will never know if they get heartworms since you probably don't take them to the vet, ever. Unfortunately that means you will continue to perpetuate your ignorant beliefs to anyone who is dumb enough to listen to you.

Mrs. Ward

Nibbles said...

"Sadly for your dogs, you will never know if they get heartworms since you probably don't take them to the vet, ever. Unfortunately that means you will continue to perpetuate your ignorant beliefs to anyone who is dumb enough to listen to you. "

MR ACE GETTING PWNED

GMoney said...

This is one of the most savage comment beatings that I have EVER SEEN. Mrs. Ward is literally murdering Ape. Those Drew/Seal battles are chump change compared to this.

GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY LOOK AT THE CARNAGE!

Anonymous said...

Now you all know what I deal with on a daily basis

Larry

Anonymous said...

I feel like every time I'm about to read a Mrs. Ward comment, my computer should make the sound of some glass breaking..."THAT'S MRS. WARD'S MUSIC!". I love her and she is just destroying Ape. G$ has been on fire today as well.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Why thank you. Ape's fucktardery unites us all.

Prime99 said...

Business is picking up!

I have two cats. They are awesome. I have no problem with dogs, and I think it's weird that it has to be dawgs vs. cats 4 LIFE.

I agree that Ape may be compensating for having a small D. Not enough ghetto students spit on him, IMO.

Prime99 said...

How Ape's comment should read:

I bring the HOT VET TAEKS.

WHAT?!

And I am obvs joking as far as vets being evil. B

WHAT?!

But am totes serious about the heartworm thing.

WHAT?!

[Mrs. Ward stone cold stunners Ace, drinks double fisted beers, gives everyone a HELLYEAH.]

Mr. Ace said...

BOOOOOOOOOM

LOLZ to me. But all Mrs. Ward did was agree with me, say things I never said and call me a cheapskate. So I'll take it. So Mrs. Ward knows the information I presented yet still recommends year round coverage? Okay.

I have dropped $300+ at the vet in the last 3 weeks, thank you very much. My dogs take heartworm preventative meds during the summer BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY TIME IT IS POSSIBLE FOR THEM TO GET HEARTWORMS IN OHIO. If you enjoy throwing money away for the other three seasons of the year, while giving your dogs meds that are of no use to them at that time, then go ahead and pay your vet that money, I guess. But you're dumb and should probably do your own research before blindly following any advice. Unless you have a Beagle.

Mr. Ace said...

And Larry you are now kicked out of the pong club.

GMoney said...

Maybe NC Nate can invite his dad to the comments today, drop some very large troof hammers on you, and make you cry some more.

A lot of good vet knowledge here...none of it comes from Ace though.

Anonymous said...

Before you said you don't need heartworm prevention unless you live in a swamp or jungle, but now you say you only need it for 3 months a year here. I guess Ohio never has a mild May or September where the mosquitoes are still out. Anyways it sounds like everyone else has enjoyed the education on heartworm and the dirty Amish.

I work at a pretty awesome vet in Grandview for all the Columbus people and would love to meet your cats or dogs! If your lucky our dog might be there rocking his mohawk for you to see.

I also told Larry hours ago he was no longer allowed to play pong with you or anyone else who does not understand the importance of heartworm prevention for their dog.

Keep the dog post coming and I'll continue to read, but maybe pick a better informed writer.

Ace you definitely know porn way better than dogs.
Maybe just stick to that.

Mrs. Ward

Randall Stevens said...

Every time Mrs. Ward hammer fists Ace in his mouth and butt, I react like an all black crowd at the Apollo. Ace is getting shredded today.

Anonymous said...

Hard to kick out the only person with a pong table out of the club.

When it comes to animal mrs. Ward knows her shit so you better just conceded. She is right on this one as she is in most cases.

Larry

GMoney said...

Keep the dog post coming and I'll continue to read, but maybe pick a better informed writer.

Ace you definitely know porn way better than dogs.
Maybe just stick to that.


Not often can a rookie lay possible claim to Commenter of the Year but HOT DAMN we might need to make an exception!

Mr. Ace said...

Oh yeah...well...okay.

I used the google machine again. "Arguing on the other side, Dr. Lok lays out the case for appropriate seasonal control, and concludes, “Besides incurring unnecessary costs for the client, indiscriminate application of broad-spectrum medications can engender further confusion about the primary imperative for these medications—heartworm prevention—and when they are most crucial—during the season of heartworm transmission.” This is a professor of parasitology named Dr. Lok. THAT'S ALL I AM SAYING. Next Thursday it's on.

Mr. Ace said...

I am even ashamed of my current porn knowledge. Really lacking in several areas of life apparently.

Anonymous said...

G$...I agree...she should be the front-runner for COY today based on her initial thrashing of Ape. It's giving me flashbacks to Linsanity!

--Drew

GMoney said...

It is a LOK that parasitology is a made up term. COUNT IT.

Jeff said...

70 comments!

Cakes said...

I was about to comment about my dogs again but NfL Live just said Josh Gordon is coming up next. I tap out. Nothing brings out the venom like dogs though. Awesome! I vote that Mr. ace make fun of religion next week so we can go for 100 comments. I'm looking forward to it.