Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Super Awesome Mail In Post


Me by noon tomorrow.



I didn't mention this at RibFest because I was too busy not introducing new people to Grumpy...like he's the girlfriend I never wanted or something.  Crybaby.  Anyway, today starts my vacation so to kick things off proper, I will be almost completely mailing this one in while staying true to everyone's favorite format.  Bullet point material.  And don't expect any post cards from me.  Just pictures of me in the sun flexing with one arm and grabbing my junk with the other hand.  Do people even send post cards anymore?  Did they survive the information age?  I would argue no unless you're over 70.  Meh...it's not that important.  Onward.

-Rashard "Taliban Lover" Mendenhall has retired at 26.  It's funny because Mendenhall is putting this spin on it like he's walking away on his own terms and doesn't want to be a "puppet" or an "entertainer".  Whatever you say, shit bird.  This is just a pussy's way of admitting that his body is broken and no team wants a RB that averages 3.2 yards per carry on two wobbly knees that could cave at any moment.  You're a more hated version of Christ Wells which is really fuckin hard to do.  Have fun writing that book no one will buy because you're not interesting and you hate America.

-I love idiots with big mouths.  They make things like blogs possible.  This past Sunday, Minnesota Representative Pat Garofalo sent out a insane tweet about the NBA and criminals.  Here it is:

"Let's be honest, 70% of teams in NBA could fold tomorrow + nobody would notice a difference w/ possible exception of increase in streetcrime"

That's a tweet we expect from resident Rib Buyer, Ide.  Not a State Representative.  What's even better is that a guy named Kevin Draper from The Diss emailed this Garofalo buffoon to ask him if his Twitter account had been hacked.  Not only did Garofalo say no, he continued to defend his position.  Well wouldn't you know it, now Ol' Pat is super sorry and throwing half assed apologies out there.  No one is buying it, racist.  On the upside I'm sure Racist Gruden is now following you on Twitter.  Here's some free advice.  The next time you have one of those thought things creep into your brain space just remember:

 

"DON'T PRESS SEND!"

That's top shelf guidance, Herm.

-Someone should tell Oscar Pistorius that the Academy Awards are over.  Someone should also tell him he's about to be butt railed for the rest of his life in prison by a gang member with a dick the size of a Pringles can.  I've been reading about this case since the story hit the interwebs and it sounds like this nubby legged murderer is in deep shit.  That's probably why Pistorius has been putting on quite the production in the court room.  Tears, retching, puke buckets at his fake metal feet.  Pulling out all the stops on this one, eh?  Good luck, pal.

-Tracy McGrady is attempting a MLB career at 34 years old as a pitcher.  Yeah...I bet your arm is real live at 34.  For fuck's sake would you and your lazy eye just go away, McFatTits?!  I'm sure this is nothing but a publicity stunt in order to get people to buy tickets for whatever horse shit team he's trying to play for but enough already.  This is just ridiculous.  And can you believe McGrady is only 34?  It feels like he's pushing 50.

-Santonio Holmes was cut by the Jets yesterday.  Now he'll have more time to spend with his first love. Weed.  You guys remember when G$ said Holmes was one of the 20 best wide receivers in the NFL?  LULZ!  What a day that was!  Keep in mind this is the same guy who says, Eli > Peyton.  Basically what I'm saying is never trust G$.

That's all I've got today.  By the time you all read this I'll most likely be sitting in an airport about to board a flight that will take me a trillion miles away from yet another fucking snow storm.  I should be getting shit faced in a pool with the sun on my shoulders in no time.  Enjoy the snow, dildos.

50 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

Have fun in Malaysia!

Randall Stevens said...

I'm going there to kill the Prime Minister.

Anonymous said...

Faking heart attacks ain't going to stop the CBJ train. Now we are well rested for the Red Wings game. I hope Drew has a heart attack for not CARRYING IT.

Ide

GMoney said...

I've already decided to write about that tomorrow, Ide. I'll be honest, watching something live where you don't know if a dude just died is pretty intense. More on that tomorrow.

WRONG asshole. I once said that Santonio was a TOP TEN receiver! Might have went a little HAM on the insanity for that call but he was a Super Bowl MVP so DEAL WITH IT.

I envision Pistorius throwing up all over the courtroom Family Guy-style and it makes me LOL hard.

Consider this your NFL free agency open forum which starts this afternoon even though teams and players have been signing for seemingly a week now. I have no idea how this is legal.

Cakes said...

Mendenhall is a twat but he did provide me with one solid year of fantasy play. Thanks! I would've never finished fourth that year without you. Memories...

I too have been following the BLADE RUNNER case. Just shoot the fucker in the head and let's all get on with our day. I feel like many cases could be solved like this.

There was a time when Santonio was one of the best 20 WR in the league. That time is LONG gone but it did exist. Classic Buckeye bashing.

Didn't you just get back from a vacation or honeymoon or something? Must be nice to travel the world at a moments notice. What I'm trying to say is FUCK OFF.

GMoney said...

I'm pretty sure that Randall hijacked The Money Shot's private jet over the weekend.

You don't have to apologize for not wanting to play football anymore, terrorist. Zero fanbases in this great land (love it or leave it) are going to put up much of a fight to keep you around anyway.

Randall Stevens said...

Cakes is such a hoot. Gushing boner love for a former Steeler. Cakes is such a fake Browns fan.

There was no point where Holmes was even close to a top 10 WR. Just because he accidentally eclipsed 1,000 one season doesn't mean he ever had top 10 talent. When it was his turn to be a number one target, he bombed.

GMoney said...

By the way, I can't wait to hear that the Skins are paying Aqib Talib 4 billion dollars per year and then he gets suspended for a full year for dirty piss next week. Sounds like we also might be going hard after Browns C Alex Mack (even if they will likely match the offer).

RIP William Clay Ford. Your commitment to Detroit was always stupid. You once hired a man to run your football team that prefers to wear overalls.

Mr. Ace said...

I somewhat respect Mendenhall for doing what he is. I know he's not at the top of his game or anything, but a running back looking towards his future is a good thing to see. I can totes see him coming back in a couple years.

Randall Stevens said...

I don't respect Mendenhall at all because he's lying to everyone. That's fine if he wants to walk away but the reason is because he's broken down at 26. Not because of whatever bullshit reason he's giving.

I love how Mack's agent is saying he's confident he can construct a deal the Browns won't be able to match. Why don't you just say, "We fucking hate it here and we're leaving."? Sounds like the Browns are gonna be really good again this year.

Randall Stevens said...

I've also heard the Browns are very interested in Matt Schaub. Again...this is how you run the worst franchise in all of sports.

Revis is gonna be cut if the Bucs can't trade him. Crazy how far Revis has fallen after blowing out his knee.

Mr. Ace said...

Mendenhall could have easily gotten another contract and cashed in another few million dollars if he wanted to. There is no doubt that him breaking down physically plays a part, but I guess I respect that he is recognizing it now and not denying it like a lot of others do...even if he's not willing to say as much to the media. Too many guys stick around, get shit on, and retire as undesirables. He's not willing to do that.

That state rep story is gold. Those are the people that make decisions in this country.

GMoney said...

Is there a more fucked up state politically than Minnesota? Have they ever elected a sane person into office? Gordon Bombay for Governor.

If you loved Weeden's pick sixes, you're going to ejaculate all over the league leader in awful decisions, Matt Schaub!

GMoney said...

By the way, does the likely signing of Hitner mean that they are going to let TJ Ward walk? Because that sounds like a really stupid decision by a really stupid franchise.

I just absolutely love all the "smoke screens" that get leaked out of Cleveland as if the rest of the league is on pins and needles over what the NFL leader in 4 win seasons might do next.

Anonymous said...

Cakes would get a raging boner if Hitner became a Brown.

So, Blade Runner is gonna be found guilty? I always figured he'd be found innocent just cuz' he's famous in a shitty country. I mean...famous people get found innocent here all the time that are guilty as fuck....gotta be worse in worse countries, right?

It would be a bad loss for the Poo Jackets if they lose tonight. I'm basically playing Center for the Wings tonight. I'll still be there rocking the winged wheel tho.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I hope you get hate crimed in front of Frog Bear Wild Boar or whatever its called now.

Ide

Randall Stevens said...

As much as I would like to keep Ward, I don't think I would want to pay him for what he is. A black Chuck Cecil. He can knock your dick off and is good in run support but I would argue there is no other safety in the league with worse pass defense skills than Ward. I don't know much about Whitner other than the fact that he hits like a truck. I imagine he can't be worse than Ward in pass coverage. One way or another I think Cleveland needs a head hunter in the secondary and if you can save a few bucks doing it then so be it.

GMoney said...

Ward went to the Pro Bowl this year though and your loser team is always worried about draft picks/young talent. Now when it is time to reward them for not being garbage (Ward, Mack, etc.) then old Jimmy is going to let them walk. That doesn't make sense.

Unless he wants to bring in Hines Ward. You'd all love him.

I love how even a mail-in post from Randy Steve is still longer than Lexington Steele (right, @dutdog!).

You are right, Drool, tonight would be a bad loss if it happens.

Cakes said...

BREAKING NEWS: Randall throws his support behind a former Buckeye!

I agree though. Hitner and Ward are essentially the same player. If they can save a few dollars, I'm OK with that move.

If Mack wants to leave so bad, get him the fuck out of town. You're pretty good bro but not irreplaceable.

Anonymous said...

Ide....I'm pretty sure there is nothing in that Frog Bear bar right now. I'd feel comfortable brawling in front of an abandoned building...Detroit style brah.

--Drew

GMoney said...

LOL...yeah, because Pro Bowl centers are as easy to get as herpes in Bowling Green, OH, USA.

Ward and Hitner are not the same because Hitner is way older and has already peeked. Ward is your goddamn leader on defense (now that Jackson was sent packing for ??? reasons).

THIS ORGANIZATION IS SO STUPID. YOU DESERVE THEM SO MUCH.

Randall Stevens said...

My half ass is better than your full ass. Never forget that.

I don't doubt there are some buckeyes that can play in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. That's the difference between guys like Cakes and I. I can repress my super fandom and think rationally. Another difference is I don't fellate turds.

The Browns had 6 pro bowlers on a 4 win team. Something isn't right there. Not saying Ward is ass but I don't think he's a guy the Browns absolutely have to have. I would rather resign Mack than Ward.

Anonymous said...

Yikes, G$ acts like he knows way too much about the Browns. Do some research BRAH - you sound so dumb.

Ward wouldnt be the leader on the D, first off. Even with DQwell gone.

TJ is overrated. You can have him - and I will LOLZ when you pay him what he wants. He isnt Witner.

Our goal was to either bring back Mack or TJ... and they chose Mack. Even though we werent going to get either. Mack def wants out and TJ is absolutely replaceable for less money. So why no replace him?

Obviously the Browns are a LOLZ franchise, but not on this one BRAH.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the Lions are showing some strong interest in Ward and he's interested. I can't blame him for wanting to play in the annual Lions/Browns preseason game again. That's the pinnacle of ELITE preseason football every year.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

The Browns are an LOLZ franchise on this one. Because they are on EVERY ONE. BRAH.

Jackson, Ward and Mack are going to walk in one offseason. And Browns fans think this is a win? I don't expect Browns fans to understand much about a winning franchise, but turning over the young talent you have developed and is just peeking is not a good practice. Even assuming Whitner/Ward is a wash, don't you want the guy who had been in that locker room the last few years? Especially since other relatively young leaders are walking. The Browns were a decent QB away from being .500 last year. Glad they are tearing it apart.

Anonymous said...

All's I can read is blah blah blah blah... one because im a browns fan and cant read and two because now there is an Eagles fan that acts like he knows more about the Browns franchise and team members than the people that follow and read about them daily.

Stick to the Eagles, Spurs, and White sox, bud.

Seal

GMoney said...

How does it make any sense to groom/develop your draft picks (since no decent free agent is signing in CLE and we know this because of history) and then let them walk as soon as their rooke contract is up? Why do you have to decide between Ward and Mack anyway? You have over 40 million to spend and these are legitimately very good players.

I don't need to watch and follow the Browns 24/7 to know that this is dumb. No other team covets young Pro Bowl talent less than the Browns apparently.

What the hell do you think that you're going to spend this money on if you aren't going to concern yourself with continuity at all? Schaub! Revis! Oh yeah, I'm sure that Revis Island can't wait to sign an extension with the fucking Browns.

Worst franchise in sports, folks.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry sir but the worst franchise in sports sits in the same city and is one that you are a fan of... Your very own Cleveland Cavaliers.

The Browns are second.

Seal

Cakes said...

Sounds like the Browns and Pats are the leading contenders for Revis. I know he is a shell of his former self but it would still be an upgrade at the right price.

I WANT Mack to stay but not if he doesn't want to be there. There is a difference. If he doesn't want to be a part of the TURNAROUND then go fuck yourself.

Cakes said...

Randall, I don't have college blinders on when it comes to the NFL. Nobody was a bigger Leroy Hoard fan than me!

Anonymous said...

Yeah we are also finalists for Karlos Dansby and Byrd, along with Revis.

But yea we should just keep resigning people that dont want to play in cleveland and have been the ones that have obviously proven that they help us win. Oh wait.

Fuck off idiots.

Seal

GMoney said...

Who is reporting on this "finalist" stuff? Mike L? No, that's too obvious. How about M. Lombardi?

You should be paying Ward and Mack extra for living through all the garbage that this franchise has dumped on them.

Revis is only 28 and thus still in his prime and thus won't play for the Browns. Byrd wants 9 million a year so if you think that Ward is pricy, get ready for that. Dansby is older than Ditka probably.

For as bad as the Cavs are (getting better!), at least their owner isn't getting ready for a nice long stint in Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

I mean, we may disagree on the names and numbers, that is fine. But there is no debate on how you build a winner: through the fucking draft. You absolutely do not do it in free agency. You draft well and then you keep those picks in house until they are broken down. You MAKE them WANT to be there. Slapping a transition tag on your OL QB is a kick in the nuts to him.

Anonymous said...

G$,

Why are you so butt sour over the Browns letting these three guys walk? Are you a Browns fan now? Worry about your own terrible team’s terrible decisions!!!

FYI - The Browns are 19-45 the past four years with these ELITE, irreplaceable talents on the team.

J from J-Beanie

GMoney said...

Where have you been? I write at least two posts per year on how I would fix the Browns (and they are always 100% correct...why don't they hire me anyway?).

Are we blaming a safety and a center (who are both considered to be among the best in the game by their peers...it's not like these choices are Ray Lewis popularity contests) for the team having no skill position talent outside of Josh Gordon?

I mean, this isn't that hard. You have a lot of money to spend. You don't want to spend it on your own people for some reason. You sign veterans instead that don't have many other options. Matt Schaub. That doesn't make sense.

Anonymous said...

“Ward and Hitner are not the same because Hitner is way older and has already peeked”

“Revis is only 28 and thus still in his prime”

Ward = 27
Whitner = 28

We can agree that you are Browns FO material for sure

J from J-Beanie

Cakes said...

The Browns have a competant front office in place (Farmer is legit) and I'm willing to give them a year or two to sort out their vision. If Ward and Mack aren't in the plans, so be it. I can wait another season before our return to glory. I've already waited this long. What's the fucking difference.

GMoney said...

Farmer is no me. I would cure what ails you ie. firing the owner.

Cakes, the problem with that line of thinking is that you never stick with a plan. If it doesn't work for one year, scrap that shit! It is an awful way to run a franchise.

Redskins signed WR Andre Roberts and everyone seems to have him as an underrated FA. You know what that means, don't you...

SUPER BOWL!

Prime99 said...

"I'm willing to give them a year or two."

Make that ONE YEAR. That's how the Browns roll.

Lovie loves defense, but not as much as he loves CLASS. Revis isn't CLASSY, so he gots to go.

Anonymous said...

When your argument consists of the joke "I would make a better GM, har har har" you automatically lose and look like a complete idiot.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Don't be an idiot about Byrd, that asshole isnt getting 9mill a year. So he wants 27 mill for 3 years... they will make the contract back end heavy (See Dqwell Jackson) and cut him after 2 years.

Seal

GMoney said...

Instead of acting like you are involved in the negotiations, let's relax on the name-calling until the numbers come out.

Tell me that I'm wrong then. You can not. I'm not some garden variety rube. I am a veritable wealth of football knowledge and business acumen.

You hire me on and we're going to the Super Bowl on the lashed backs of Josh Gordon, Sammy Watkins, Mike Vick, and Travis Prentice.

GMoney said...

While you're tailgating for tonight's Wings/CBJ game, do yourself a favor and check out the post on Deadspin of a Nets fan shitting in a urinal while puking everywhere. Incredible!

Anonymous said...

Whitner and Dansby. Done.

Seal

GMoney said...

Whitner is getting more than I thought. Something like 4 years/28 mill, right? Well, good luck, guys. You're going to need it.

Anonymous said...

Bring on Revis and draft Sammy Watkins... I might get excited for the first time in years about the Browns.

Seal

GMoney said...

Skins just stole OG Shaun Lauvao from the Browns. DEAL WITH IT.

And we signed Santana Moss...AGAIN. When am I going to be rid of him?

Anonymous said...

LOLZ stole? Shaun Lauvao isnt even good! He is terrible!

Seal

GMoney said...

I figured. Only horrible teams sign OVERRATED players today.

Anonymous said...

Yea you might be right... dammit.

Latest in the day post ever that no one will read.

Seal

Randall Stevens said...

J Beanie brings up a great point. The Browns are always terrible despite all of this fine talent they draft and let walk after rookie contracts. I'm fine with Whitner replacing Ward. We may have paid a little too much but it sounds like he's a better player anyway.

Dansby was a head scratcher. That's a lot of money for a 32 year old linebacker.

Sign Revis and we may have something for next year. Is it sad I'm excited for 8 wins? I'll answer...it's sad.