Wednesday, March 05, 2014

Open Forum: Appetizers!

Absolutely not.
You may not have heard, but Saturday marks the third annual The Money Shot RibFest. This one is special because it could be the last time that Randall Stevens ever attends. We must eat him. It is what he would want. Anyway, since I have succulent smoked meat on the brain (more so than usual yes homo), I figured food post might be in order today. It has been awhile and these things always go over well (done…just like all of you fairies eat your steaks, bro!).

Today’s topic is near and dear to the clogged hearts of heavy Americans such as myself…APPETIZERS! Let’s be honest, these are totally unnecessary. It is just a way for restaurants to overcharge you for slower-flowing blood. Apps are almost always the least healthy creations on a menu because the main ingredients for seemingly all of these options are either “fuck load of cheese” or “deep fried flour”. But that is what makes them so alluring! I’m just going to list a bunch of different appetizer options today and categorize them as either a YEAH! Or a BOO! Shall we waddle our way through a butter-soaked heaven of pre-meal lard? WE SHALL!

YEAH! Spinach and Artichoke Dip! It’s so easy to talk yourself into this being good for you since you likely never eat either of the two main ingredients solo but it is in FACT awful for you! Fuck that shit. This stuff may look like my wife’s morning sickness, but it tastes great AND IS GOOD FOR ME!

BOO! Queso! Sorry to break it to you, but you just plunked down 6 bucks or so on Velveeta and Old El Paso salsa. This is something that you make at home when you’re out of food; not something that you order at a feed bag. Plus, it gets cold no less than 4 seconds after you load up your first chip. Cold Velveeta? No thank you.

YEAH! Nachos (as well chips and salsa if you are being a Mexican for the evening)! Unless the chips get all soggy, there is almost no such thing as a bad plate of nachos. Nachos are the G$ of the appetizer world AKA ELITE.

BOO! Potato Skins! I loved these as a kid but I wouldn’t touch them now. Half of a rotten tater that has been ritualistically carved out and topped with gross cheese? No thank you. I feel that if you are still eating skins, you probably wore dressy sweatpants to the restaurant.

YEAH! Sauerkraut Balls! Oh how I love thee. You are a treasure. My uncle and I had a nice convo on the greatness of the Barley’s sauerkraut ball last weekend. I wished that the topic had never ended.

BOO! Mozzarella Sticks! About as American as it gets, no? Does anyone make a good stick? I feel like they can all best be described as “meh”.

YEAH! Fried Pickles! For as bad as Hooters wings are, their fried pickles rank up there with the bubbly jugs on their servers. I prefer the fried pickle chip over the spear. I heard through the grapevine that Ide is a fried pickle spear chucker.

BOO! Fried Mushrooms! My feelings on mushrooms are widely known. They are gross as fuck.

YEAH! Jalapeno Poppers! Fried cream cheese with a bit of heat from the pepper? FUCK YES, SON!

BOO! Chicken Wings! Hold on a minute, playas, hear me out. I don’t like ordering wings as an app. I prefer my wings to be my meal. Some might disagree and that is fine but it’s just the way that I feel. I’ll put it to you like this: if I’m out with the wife and we order a wings app and they show up with a plate of six, I’m not going to be happy. It’s like that Taco Bell Grillers commercial where the stupid GF keeps eating all of Matt Leinart’s food when she says that she doesn’t want them initially. FUCK HER. I would NEVER get involved with a woman that eats off my plate. To quote the great Joey Tribbiani, “JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!!!” I guess what I’m saying is that I will never allow my wife to steal half of my wings.

YEAH! Chili Cheese Fries! The messier, the better. And don’t skimp on the chili, Mexican in the back making it. The chili to fries ratio should be 50/50 and I should need a fork to even think about eating it.

BOO! Onion Rings! This is a side. It is not an appetizer. Big difference.

YEAH! The Bloomin’ Onion! Hey, when I have a chance to eat an exact replica of John Madden’s heart, I’m doing it. I LOVE the onion blossom. It is in no way OVERRATED.

I must admit that this wasn’t the most heavily researched food topic ever (I only consulted my Tweeter’s Chicken Crib menu that is in my office desk drawer—great place IMO) so if I forgot something, I’m sure that you’ll make a big deal about it because that is how you assholes always act. Just know that I eat my chicken rare and thus am more of a man than you. Enjoy your precious pink steaks, pussies, while I devour this live rooster, BRAH!

56 comments:

Randall Stevens said...

You should be punched in the balls for hating mozz sticks. Fuckin commie.

GMoney said...

It's not that I hate them it is just that there is no such thing as an ELITE mozz stick. And again, you can not read.

Randall Stevens said...

If you're looking for an ELITE mozz stick stop eating at TGI Fridays. You don't order them = you hate them in my book. Same diff. There's nothing more ELITE than deep fried cheese. And to boo potato skins?? The horror.

I was a founding father of RibFest. With great power comes great responsibility. You don't just bail on that. This will not be my last RibFest.

Anonymous said...

Ok, something needs to be said aside from Carry the Flag (!!!), and it's this: G$ has fucking AWFUL taste in food. Just rotten. This has come up time and time again with his well done steaks and likely A1 infatuation, but this has gone too far.

Hating cheese sticks is NOT MERICA. It makes you wrong, or abused as a child (god, I hope its the latter. Spinach and artichoke dip, while delicious, is not close to being healthy. Queso is good because its usually $5 and I don't have to make it. That said, you missed the boat by not realizing that adding meat (chorizo) makes it ELITE.

You're right on the onion rings unless its one of those amazing antenna towers at Quaker Steak. Fried mushrooms are for cunts. Good call.

I get your wing argument, but I will counter with this: Is there ever a wrong time to eat wings? I too, will eat them as a meal 90% of the time. At RibFest there will be a pile of wings as an appetizer, KEEP YOUR GODDAMNED HANDS OFF OF THEM.

Fried calamari is also ELITE. If you want to keep with that theme, crab dip, crab rangoon, carpaccio, sushi (tuna), and SLIDERS are a great way to start the day. The reason I like sliders and wings for that matter as an appetizer is because, like Barleys, they could have ELITE sliders/wings but even better ribs/steaks. Like Liz Lemon, I can have it all.

If soups fall under the appetizer category, then French Onion or GTFO.

This also falls under the miscellaneous category, but charcuterie/cheese plates belong on this list, even though they are served as desserts to some dirty Euro's as well.

Before Ape chimes in, hummus is OVERRATED. And gay.

The person who says bruschetta can go right to hell.

Ide

Anonymous said...

My biggest white trash pleasure is dipping potato skins in bbq sauce. It sounds (and looks) horrid, but it's fucking awesome.

I get why people don't like it. Cheese shouldn't be the reason.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Fried avacados are delish...as are most fried veggies, including shrooms.

I am with you on the Mozz sticks G$. This is Mrs. Aces go to app and I refuse to let her order it because I will not pay $8 for 10 pieces of fried cheese. OVERRATED.

I madr homemade potato skins awhile back and they were the best. But the ones from the restaurant are usually just unfrozen and reheated, so I get the hate.

Also, I went to Gallo's Tap Room last night and it was their wing night. They are #2 on my ELITE wing list. Quality shit, and 45 cents on Tuesday. I need to build up to Barleys wings Saturday.

Randall Stevens said...

Ide bringing some really HOT TAEKS this morning. Great contributions. I forgot to chime in about the queso thing. Order the wrong queso and I can see why you wouldn't like it. Normally it's money though. While we're on cheese... If you go to an authentic Mexican joint and do not order that bean dip with the silky white cheese on top we will be fist fighting. For real.

Mr. Ace said...

I like hummus. Almost never order it at a restaurant though.

GMoney said...

I like hummus as well.

I was clearly sarcastic when claiming that spinach/choke dip was healthy. Way to be an idiot.

Just because I wouldn't order some of these things in a restaurant, does not mean that I hate them. I make queso ALL THE TIME during football season.

String cheese = mozzarella stick...ya heard me!

You're right that there is never a wrong time for wings but that doesn't mean that I'm going to be happy about demoting them from the entree to the pre-meal snack.

One more time though: I DON'T HATE CHEESE STICKS. But I would never choose them over nachos. EVER. And neither would any other God-fearing flag carrier.

GMoney said...

Dammit...I meant to say that a stick of string cheese is better than your average mozz stick, bruh. DEAL WITH IT.

Anonymous said...

I read these posts at 530 in the morning on the train. My sarcasm filter doesn't kick in that early.

No one orders mozz sticks at CBJ games because no one can afford them.

Except for the entire Dallas Stars defensive unit. GET FUCKED DALLAS.

LOL Red Wings.

Ide

GMoney said...

A win is a win and all that cliched nonsense but we fucking sucked last night. ONE shot in the second period! We didn't really deserve that W but Arty Anus would not be denied. The top line has got to get their shit together FAST.

I expect Gaby to get traded today.

BEAT CHICAGO.

Anonymous said...

I'd hate to see Gaby go, because he has gotten us some great goals this year. Having said that, we have proven to be ELITE at trades the past few seasons, so I have good faith in our office.

To be fair, I had to eat my last round of carbs last night during the second period, and saw us up 3-0. Does anyone have the NHL pass? I'd like to watch more games online since CBJ is NEVER on here.

On the food note, I am giving up bread/potatoes/rice/pasta for lent. Fuck me.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Queso does not suck at good hole-in-the-wall Mexican places.

You're a fag for booing mozz sticks.

You're an even bigger fag for booing wings... no matter what your stupid explanation is. Wings never get booed.

Bloomin Onion is fucking tits. Maybe the best app of all time.

I cant take any food post seriously from a guy who gets his steak cooked well done.

Seal

Mr. Ace said...

LOLZ at people giving up things, especially food, for lent. I'm sure your god appreciates you giving up carbs.

Anonymous said...

I actually think G$ does a pretty good job on this. Nachos are indeed the ELITE of the ELITE when it comes to appetizers.

I also see where he's coming from on the mozzarella sticks. I'd venture to guess that most restaurants don't even bread them/fry them themselves...they just microwave some frozen ones. Fuck that noise.

I like mushrooms, but agree that fried mushrooms are not good.

One thing on your list that I've begun to like and are popping up all over are blue cheese chips. I find this to be a really good appetizer...the best are at Cap City Diner. Homemade potato chips with warm blue cheese dressing dribbled over it and then bacon bits and scallions on top. So good...but, blue cheese dressing is hit or mess with just about everybody so I would expect many people with inferior taste buds to say that it sounds gross.

Also, a big fan of he hummus app with pita and veggies. Ide can get fucked on that one.

Team Ape on the Lent thing. LOLZ @ Ide of all people being one to do it.

--Drew

GMoney said...

The two times that I went vegetarian for Lent...Jesus high-fived me. True story.

Seal, you want to be a man? Show up at RibFest and start spreading your garbage. That's what I thought. You stay where you belong and leave the eating for the men.

Ide, Gaby was needed last year because we couldn't score. We can now (AND HOW!) but he doesn't fit in with our style of play at all. He's a square peg out there. Plus, we could use some D help. I wouldn't be upset if we kept him, but he will definitely not be back next year.

Grumpy said...

Bruschetta.

Grumpy said...

Chicken tender basket at Cheddar's. Enough food to eat as an entree.

Calimari when it's done right.

Anonymous said...

Grumps....GREAT call on calamari. Delicious calamari is delicious.

G$...Ide could give up 1,000 things for Lent and Jesus would never high five him.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I do not care for calimari. I have a deal with giant squids. I won't them if they won't eat me. So far so good.

If you eat a chicken fingers basket as an entree then it isn't technically an appetizer, genius.

GMoney said...

Delicious calamari is delicious.

Nice take. ELITE quarterbacks are ELITE!

Grumpy said...

It's on the appetizer menu, making it an appetizer. Seriously, Cheddar's has the best, thickest, juciest chicken tenders anywhere.

Anonymous said...

I would love to be at ribfest, but instead ill be sitting in a suite for the Z banner raising ceremony - watching the crowd suck Lebrons cock in hopes he comes back.

Seriously though, should be interesting if Lebron shows up.

Seal

Anonymous said...

I will back Grumpy up on Cheddars. I had it over xmas in NC for the first time. It is HIGHLY ghetto, but those chicken fingers were great.

I was the first to call out calamari, get fucked.

I give up something stupid every year for lent. For absolutely zero reasons regarding religion, actually, except the built in time frame. It's usually always food related, and a healthy choice (last year was fried food). It sucks, to be sure, but it's nice knowing that I can give up things if needed. Plus dropping a couple unsightly pounds before spring time is always a welcome reward.

HOT SCOOP: It was just announced that Game of Thrones premier will be in Brooklyn on March 20th, with tickets going on sale tomorrow. I will NOT be at work tomorrow. Dragon talk coming early this year.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal....

Next Shaq is still doing Next Shaq-like things....20 yrs old...

@AndreDrummondd has 325 Offensive Rebs, 79 more than anyone else (DeAndre, 246). Already more than the league-high in '12-13 (Z-Bo, 310)

--Drew

Anonymous said...

He is really helping the Pistons rack up the W's too.

Seal

GMoney said...

What kind of loser chooses the Cavs over Ribs? Bad choice IMO.

I guarantee that Tweeter's chicken fingers are bigger and juicier than Cheddar's since they pretty much give you three tits. I win.

I don't care where it's listed, if you eat it as your meal then it isn't an appetizer for you. I win again.

GMoney said...

Sounds like Gaby to the Kings is almost a done deal...

Cakes said...

Queso is AWESOME if you get it from the right place. El Zarape in BG has some of the finest liquid cheese this side of I-75.

I also love moz sticks but I tend to agree with G$ that it's hard to make them ELITE. Doesn't stop me from shoving it in my mouth though.

Chicken wings deserve to be their own meal. It makes me mad when I see them on the app list.

Bloomin Onions are one of the finest creations known to man.



Anonymous said...

G$/Cakes food alliance is STRONK.

Ide

GMoney said...

Again, because many of you are incredibly dense, I'm not saying that "such and such" sucks, just that I wouldn't order it. There is a YUGE difference there.

I have no idea why anyone would order queso at a Hispaniola joint when free chips and salsa is just as ELITE. But if that salsa comes to your table cold (room temperature or GTFO) then you are allowed by law to kill that illegal alien that is serving it to you. FACT.

Jesus! Ryan Callahan for Martin St. Louis? The Rangers are fucking stupid.

Anonymous said...

You may be wondering why you have to clarify that after EVERY post. Here is why.

"categorize them as either a YEAH! Or a BOO!"

No where does it say what you will or won't order. So when you say BOO! Mozzarella Sticks!, you incur the wrath. To you defense, you don't say you hate them either, but so help me god, if someone says, "hey let's get the Barley's wings", and you say, "BOO!" (which you will no, guaranteed), SHIT WILL GET UGLY.

In short, we are all right, and you are with Cakes. The third part of your fey hydra should rear its head when Dut posts.

Ide

Randall Stevens said...

Chicken fingers are kids food.

Drew deserves a food badge for mentioning blue cheese chips. Spank them wih some frank's and you're cookin with gas.

Cakes said...

I'm strongly considering getting those Barley wings on Saturday as my meal. You know, just to buck the system.

What's your beef with cold salsa? The temperature contrast is where it's at.

GMoney said...

I only cook with mustard gas.

That's a YOU problem. I'm not telling you how you should eat. I'm simply opening a forum for my preferences. Some of you don't get that.

I'm eating those fucking wings, fo sho, but deep down I will be pissed that they aren't my meal and mad that they aren't as good as my ribs coming to me.

GMoney said...

OH FUCK YOU. You refrigerate salsa when it isn't fresh, bruh. I don't want some burro jockey serving me old salsa. Go back to Chi Chi's where you belong, amateur.

Anonymous said...

Randall...I seem to pick up a lot of food badges on these food days. I credit to not being a picky eater, so I really know the ELITE things to eat.

Agree with Cakes....nothing wrong with some cold salsa. I actually don't see a difference between it and room temp salsa. They are both good.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Yeah, not getting the deal with the salsa temp. I like mine any temp, really. I'm thinking an EnchiladaFest would have been a better play, now. Seeing Cakes and G$ chide Horatio our competent but very foreign server on the right/wrong way to serve his peoples foods would keep me LOLing for days.

Ide

Anonymous said...

"You refrigerate salsa when it isn't fresh, bruh. I don't want some burro jockey serving me old salsa. Go back to Chi Chi's where you belong, amateur."

What the fuck does this even mean? Do you think every time they bring you a new basket of chips with salsa, that they are whipping up a cup of salsa for you? These places make multiple batches of fresh salsa throughout a day...put it in a pan and then that pan on ice....just like all of their veggies, meats, etc. The temperature has zero to do with how fresh it is.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Damnit, I agree with Drew here on the salsa topic...

Seal

Anonymous said...

How are you hockey queers not talking about this article? This guy is awesome.

http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/hockey/traded-penner-asks-crash-white-house-article-1.1711364

Seal

Anonymous said...

Because if we wanted to retweet some twerps twitter funny we could do so on twitter.

Anonymous said...

Cool guy, Anon. Get fucked, douche who cant put their name.

Seal

Prime99 said...

I like Chips, Salsa, and Guacamole for an appetizer. Bloomin' Onion if I'm feeling the need to clog some arteries.

I get the wings argument. Tough to share great wings!

Mozzerella sticks are decent but I agree with G$, very hard to call them ELITE. They are certainly no fried pickles.

GMoney said...

LOL have fun at Chi Chi's, kids. If you're good, you might get a fried ice cream. Jut Verlander prefers cold salsa.

Authentic Mexican food doesn't come refrigerated because authentic Mexicans don't know what a refrigerator is.

Surprised that Ide didn't go with the obvious SpikFest. He's growing up, folks.

Prime99 said...

Places seem to be offering soft pretzel sticks these days. Those are damn good.

Anonymous said...

Good to see G$ post a few lines of gibberish to try and deflect just how stupid his "cold means old" salsa thought process was. That was so dumb fo real.

--Drew

Cakes said...

I don't give a fuck waht anyone thinks. A freshly baked/hot chip with some cold salsa on it is amazing.

Not saying I won't eat room temp salsa though.

I've never had fried ice cream. Not sure what that says about me.

Anonymous said...

"G$ has fucking AWFUL taste in food. Just rotten." - Ide

I am the greatest.

I wanted SpicFest, but we don't call it RedneckFest, so I was keeping it in theme.

Ide

GMoney said...

OFFICIAL: CBJ have traded Gaborik to the Kings for RW Matt Frattin (probably ELITE), a second, and a third round pick.

Prime, I like that soft, baked pretzels have made such a huge comeback over the past few years.

"He has AWFUL taste in food but I have agreed with him on pretty much everything today except for the white trash way that I like to eat day old salsa."--Ide

Anonymous said...

Jackets guys...your Gaborik trade haul.......WOOF.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Eh, I'm not sure what you were expecting us to get back. He's a FA and everyone knows that we were unloading him today anyway. We'll see how this Frattin guy is.

GMoney said...

I like the analogy that Gaborik was a Ferrari on a team full of dump trucks. I would wish him well but fuck Jeff Carter.

GMoney said...

OH YEAH! Jackets acquire D Nick Schultz from EDM for a 5th round pick. GAME = CHANGED

Anonymous said...

CARRY IT!

Ide