Today’s topic is near and dear to the clogged hearts of heavy Americans such as myself…APPETIZERS! Let’s be honest, these are totally unnecessary. It is just a way for restaurants to overcharge you for slower-flowing blood. Apps are almost always the least healthy creations on a menu because the main ingredients for seemingly all of these options are either “fuck load of cheese” or “deep fried flour”. But that is what makes them so alluring! I’m just going to list a bunch of different appetizer options today and categorize them as either a YEAH! Or a BOO! Shall we waddle our way through a butter-soaked heaven of pre-meal lard? WE SHALL!
YEAH! Spinach and Artichoke Dip! It’s so easy to talk yourself into this being good for you since you likely never eat either of the two main ingredients solo but it is in FACT awful for you! Fuck that shit. This stuff may look like my wife’s morning sickness, but it tastes great AND IS GOOD FOR ME!
BOO! Queso! Sorry to break it to you, but you just plunked down 6 bucks or so on Velveeta and Old El Paso salsa. This is something that you make at home when you’re out of food; not something that you order at a feed bag. Plus, it gets cold no less than 4 seconds after you load up your first chip. Cold Velveeta? No thank you.
YEAH! Nachos (as well chips and salsa if you are being a Mexican for the evening)! Unless the chips get all soggy, there is almost no such thing as a bad plate of nachos. Nachos are the G$ of the appetizer world AKA ELITE.
BOO! Potato Skins! I loved these as a kid but I wouldn’t touch them now. Half of a rotten tater that has been ritualistically carved out and topped with gross cheese? No thank you. I feel that if you are still eating skins, you probably wore dressy sweatpants to the restaurant.
YEAH! Sauerkraut Balls! Oh how I love thee. You are a treasure. My uncle and I had a nice convo on the greatness of the Barley’s sauerkraut ball last weekend. I wished that the topic had never ended.
BOO! Mozzarella Sticks! About as American as it gets, no? Does anyone make a good stick? I feel like they can all best be described as “meh”.
YEAH! Fried Pickles! For as bad as Hooters wings are, their fried pickles rank up there with the bubbly jugs on their servers. I prefer the fried pickle chip over the spear. I heard through the grapevine that Ide is a fried pickle spear chucker.
BOO! Fried Mushrooms! My feelings on mushrooms are widely known. They are gross as fuck.
YEAH! Jalapeno Poppers! Fried cream cheese with a bit of heat from the pepper? FUCK YES, SON!
BOO! Chicken Wings! Hold on a minute, playas, hear me out. I don’t like ordering wings as an app. I prefer my wings to be my meal. Some might disagree and that is fine but it’s just the way that I feel. I’ll put it to you like this: if I’m out with the wife and we order a wings app and they show up with a plate of six, I’m not going to be happy. It’s like that Taco Bell Grillers commercial where the stupid GF keeps eating all of Matt Leinart’s food when she says that she doesn’t want them initially. FUCK HER. I would NEVER get involved with a woman that eats off my plate. To quote the great Joey Tribbiani, “JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!!!” I guess what I’m saying is that I will never allow my wife to steal half of my wings.
YEAH! Chili Cheese Fries! The messier, the better. And don’t skimp on the chili, Mexican in the back making it. The chili to fries ratio should be 50/50 and I should need a fork to even think about eating it.
BOO! Onion Rings! This is a side. It is not an appetizer. Big difference.
YEAH! The Bloomin’ Onion! Hey, when I have a chance to eat an exact replica of John Madden’s heart, I’m doing it. I LOVE the onion blossom. It is in no way OVERRATED.
I must admit that this wasn’t the most heavily researched food topic ever (I only consulted my Tweeter’s Chicken Crib menu that is in my office desk drawer—great place IMO) so if I forgot something, I’m sure that you’ll make a big deal about it because that is how you assholes always act. Just know that I eat my chicken rare and thus am more of a man than you. Enjoy your precious pink steaks, pussies, while I devour this live rooster, BRAH!