Wednesday, March 19, 2014

My Owner Is Worse Than Yours!

Just awful.
St. Patrick’s Day was earlier this week and this year’s version started off with a bang when Colts owner and Parks & Rec star, Jim Irsay, was hilariously arrested for a DWI and four felony counts of drug possession (probably celebrating a Fuckeye failure and Drew leaving his city). It makes sense. Have you ever seen this guy or accidentally read one of his insane classic rock tweets and thought “he looks/sounds sober”. You don’t see a lot of billionaire NFL owners breaking traffic laws with drugs on them these days and that is a damn shame. Once released from the drunk tank (I really should pitch my reality show “Billionaire Drunk Tank” to the jerks on Shark Tank…billion dollar idea, bruh), Irsay tweeted thanks to all of those who support him. WHO IS SUPPORTING A DRUNK AND STONED OUT OF HIS MIND DRIVER!!! Stop it, fat humps, this asshole knows better.

Speaking of NFL owners, the Lions need a new one (or maybe someone took the reins already…I don’t give a fuck) as William Clay Ford finally died a few weeks ago. This guy doesn’t get enough credit for being a fuck-ass as he pretty much refused to fire Matt Millen until 90% of the Lions home games were attended by people wearing brown paper bags. This got me thinking about making a list (always a classic topic staple here!). Actually, this one was kind of tough with such worthy contenders. Who are the ten worst owners in the NFL!!!

10. Mark Davis, Oakland – All you really have to do is look at the guy to know that he isn’t all there. Even Peter Rose’s Prince Valiant haircut from the 70’s laughs at Little Al’s weave.

9. Jerry Richardson, Carolina – This guy is truly a bucket of shit. He is in his 70’s but paid his way to the top of a heart transplant list a few years ago and probably killed more deserving and younger people. That story doesn’t get told enough. He is also a huge racist and probably calls Cam Newton “Kunte”.

8. Ralph Wilson, Buffalo – I would say JUST DIE ALREADY but his still-breathing-somehow corpse is probably the only thing keeping the Bills in NY. They need to come to Rob Ford where they belong. He would treat them well.

7. Jim Irsay, Indianapolis – This shithead hasn’t worked a day in his life and got a fucking NFL team handed to him by his daddy. Then he lucks into years of Peyton and, uh, Luck. I’m glad that he needs help. I just hope that no one gives it to him. Seriously, Irsay might be the luckiest person on the planet. Everyone should envy him but no one should respect him.

6. Daniel Snyder, Washington – Hoo boy, Little Danny probably could be in the top 5 but he has been known to sue people who write mean things about him on the internet so we’ll keep him just out. He has turned Fed Ex Field into one of the worst game day experiences in the league. He sues season ticket holders. He meddles like a boss. The one bit of credit I will give him is that he has removed himself from the GM process. And that is great because he was AWFUL at that.

5. Virginia McCaskey, Chicago – LOL a woman owner! She is related to George Halas somehow. I’m pretty sure that all Bears fans want her to die so that Ditka can run the team somehow. There isn’t a fan base more stuck in the past with no intentions of joining the real world than the Bears. Now let’s watch Prime teach his kid how to do The Super Bowl Shuffle!

4. Green Bay Packers Fans, Green Bay – There aren’t many things more annoying than knowing a Packer fan who bought one share of the team and call themselves an owner. Fuck these people. Fuck them hard up the cheese-shoot.

3. Mike Brown, Cincinnati – There isn’t an owner in all of sports more niggardly(!) with his money than old Mikey. He doesn’t allow anyone to take Gatorade home with them. His scouting staff is 20% the size of your average NFL teams. That staff includes former Buckeye coach and Michigan’s bitch, John Cooper (I believe). He is a cheap bastard that would rather make a dollar profit than win the Super Bowl and lose a buck. Plus, not one person in SW Ohio likes him.

2. Jerry Jones, Dallas – Jerral the owner would be fine because he spends money and demands wins. Jerral the GM makes Jerry Jones overall the second worst owner in football. My God, he is rotten at drafting/spending his cap wisely. I mean, come on, there is NO STATE TAX in Texas! Big time players should be lining up to play in that lavish stadium of his. But they aren’t because Dallas never has cap room and the coaching staff is always butt. The Cowboys should be a TRANSCENDENT franchise!

1. Jimmy Haslam, Cleveland – You’ve really got to hand it to Jimmy. In less than one year as owner, he started over twice. That takes big dumb balls. This guy has no idea what he’s doing AND he is about to go to prison for the rest of his life (you Browns fans should be rooting for this). I would love to find out why Goodell didn’t take the team from him. This guy is scum, a rube, and a moron. He is a really triple threat of shittiness (also: he is a Steelers fan which somehow makes this package even more grubby).

While you may not agree with the order above, you can’t deny that these ten owners are really bad. It just goes to show you that being rich doesn’t make one intelligent. And I should know since I’m three weeks from becoming a billionaire and I plan on being just as stupid. Solid gold toilets for all!!!

42 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

Dan Snyder is Top 3. The JAX owner is up there as well for trying to get his team shipped to London.

I'm glad you weren't foolish enough to put Jeffrey Lurie on here because that dude PWNS.

GMoney said...

I wanted to include the Rooney Family since they are bigtime reverse racists but forgot.

I wasn't going to include Shad Khan because I like it when a van outside my house doesn't blow up.

You telling me that Little Dan is worse than Jimmy, Jerry, and Big Mike? I think not. Although I do have a sneaky suspicion that this Jay Gruden hire is going to be absolutely horrible. Just looking at that guy makes me want to slam my head into a wall. Oh well, at least he's not Jim Caldwell.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha could you be a bigger troll? Ok, so MAYBE Haslem deserves to be on this list, MAYBE - but number one? Get the fuck out of here. I refuse to even read your reasoning. This will be his SECOND FULL YEAR AS AN OWNER... yes he is the worst in the league.

Once again... hahahahhahahahahahahahahahhaahahahhahahah at you trolling the readers.

If anything, he is a take no shit owner that says... you arent doing what needs done, theres the door - as he did with some well known brass in the NFL today.

Give the guy at least 5 years before throwing him off a cliff, you fucking troll.

Seal

Anonymous said...

And how.

Haslam is fucking awful. I was talking with a Giants fan this morning at the gym, about some of the offseason comings and goings of our teams. The NY Football Giants loaded up on some good defense players (meh), and brought back that faggot from UM. I made mention of our picks and followed it up immediately with, "but I can't wait until they fuck it all up, because they will". It is bad ownership to accept awfulness, it is even worse to expect it.

I'd even throw a retro vote for the Lerner family. Lesbionest, just because they brought the Browns back doesn't make them good. They might have been the worst owners in NFL history, possibly top 5 of any of the big 4 sports. Marge Schott was more ELITE than the Lerners. Fact!

Ide

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at any idiot here that agrees that Haslem is the worst owner in the league. HE HAS HAD ONE FULL SEASON AS OWNER.

Thats like saying because a rookie had a bad year, everyone should write him off and label him as one of the worst players in the league.

Seal

Anonymous said...

I don't think he is the worst, but he is terrible. He fucked Chud over big time, which you can't possibly be on board with. Then he clearly fucked up when he hired Pettine, because HE DIDNT EVEN FUCKING WANT HIM TO BEGIN WITH.

Don't sit there and defend this bullshit. Just don't. If we still had our coaching staff from last year, which most people, including players, agreed was on the right track, then he would be nowhere on this list. But hitting the reset button after one season (use your exact same rookie scenario, scooter), doesn't take brass balls, it takes complete shit for brains to do.

Ide

GMoney said...

He has scrapped the front office TWICE in less than a year! I don't know what he's going to do in the future (other than the square meals and a cot) but so far this is ROTTEN. And again, he is going to prison. Nothing worse than that.

Mike Brown may be niggardly (YES!) but he ain't serving time.

Not sure how troll-ish this is when pretty much everyone's owner is on the list.

Correct me if I'm wrong but the Browns are even more of a joke now that Jimmy is running things than before soooooooo what was your argument again, guy that loses arguments on the reg?

Grumpy said...

Ok, I'll say it, Weeden is one of the worst players in the league.

Don't forget Richardson's ELITE sexual harassment.

GMoney said...

Goddamn Jackets got Khudobin'ed last night and that sucked. Bad night for the CBJ. Dominate a game for 60 minutes yet get their asses kicked at the same time. Fucking hot goalies.

GMoney said...

Hot Takes from Mr. Bran Flakes!

Anonymous said...

I agree with you, Ide - Chud got a completely raw deal and I didnt want our coaching staff gone... but I did like seeing Lombardi and the other dildo's go.

That being said, he still is not the WORST owner in the league. We may even completely retract our statements of saying we disagree with getting rid of Chud and others if things start to turn around this year.

My whole point is just that... you cant kill the guy before we really know anything. In 3 more years if we are still a wreck and he is still firing people at the drop of a hat, then I will totally support him being on this list. But until then, there are many other unsuccessful franchises/owners that are PROVEN to be worse than Haslem.

Seal

GMoney said...

Well, until this future convicted felon (quit glossing over this) does anything positive and not embarrassing to all, we're going to keep him at #1. So far, his only redeemable quality is that laughing GIF that I post all the time. That's it.

Hey, if Jimmy was wise enough to deem Chud and the FO failures after one year, then he should be judged in the exact same way, right?

Wow. I just TOTES won the day with that ELITE logic. Bye bye now.

Anonymous said...

LOL at you declaring yourself the winner while everyone else laughs at you and knows youre wrong.

If we was going to prison or going to be convicted it would have happened by now.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Where in the fuck are the owners of:
-The Jacksonville Jaguars
-The Minnesota Vikings
-The Detroit Lions

These franchises have been stellar!

Seal

Jeff said...

"If we was going to prison or going to be convicted it would have happened by now."

Riiiiiight, cause billionaires don't have money to by themselves time.

You don't just throw shit against the wall to see if it will stick in cases against billionaires. They will have the best lawyers and you sure as shit better have all the evidence possible. And with a company of that size there is a ton of evidence to gather.

Enron became under investigation in 2001 and Kenneth Lay was convicted in 2006.

Shit doesn't happen overnight.

Prime99 said...

I'm not here to cause no trouble, I'm just here to do the... Wait. Nevermind.

The Bears ownership used to be much more meddlesome. Now they let Phil Emery do his thing. You ranked McCaskey above your own moronic owner because she's a woman? She does nothing. D. Snyder defends racism, makes poor hiring decisions constantly, and probably would sign Deion Sanders right now if he could.

Seal, one year was enough for Chud to be judged, so Jimmy can also be judged in one year. He's wretched.

GMoney said...

Virginia is "ahead" of Dan because I have yet to hear her defend racism!

You are the only one disagreeing, Seal. It's as if your 401K is entirely tied to Pilot/Flying J.

Since Khan took over the Jags, they have been well run. The Lions, AS I FUCKING WROTE IN THE BEGINNING, don't currently have an owner (as far as I know). The Vikings guy is a scumbag and likely would have checked in at 11.

All better than Jimmy. Seal, you are being really pathetic today. I don't care for this look on you.

Anonymous said...

G$...It doesn't hurt to take 30 seconds and Google who the Lions owner is. Bill Ford Jr. has been running the Lions for roughly three years now and they have absolutely no plans on selling the team...I mean they fucking play in Ford Field. OBVZ he'll be better than his Father who was loyal like a dog to coaches and GM's. But, who knows how much better...no doubt if Sr. was still running the team Schwartz would be on at least a 10 yr plan.

Why would Goodell take the Browns from Haslam? I know you think he's going to jail...but, I don't..and it would be absurd to take them away from him before he does.

There are some good drunk pics of Irsay out there from over the last decade or so. Funny that he liked to brag about how he hadn't had a drink in 15 years.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I don't like idiotic opinions.

Seal

Prime99 said...

It's not Seal's fault. The Browns have abused him for years and like many victims of unhealthy, abusive relationships he defends the abuser until the end.

It's not your fault, Seal. It's not your fault!

Anonymous said...

HAHA - thank you Prime.

Seal

Anonymous said...

On another note - pleased to announce the wife and I are also having a girl.

Its funny how different my opinion was yesterday regarding Ide's comment yesterday about fucking girls on vacation - doing so, not pulling out, and if she gets pregnant its her fault. I used to completely feel the exact same way... until yesterday at 10am when I found out I was having a girl.

Seal

GMoney said...

I don't like idiotic opinions.

Then stop making them.

Congrats though, bro, today's fight could have been a lot less one-sided with me dominating had you led with that tidbit.

Thanks for the Lions hot goss, Drew, but as I said, I still don't give a fuck. They need more naked drive-thru coaches OBVZ.

Haslam may not go to prison but you he fucking should. The government has him dead to rights. It would be the best thing ever if the Browns owner was sent to prison. You have to admit that that would be the GOAT.

Anonymous said...

It would be even better if he ran/owned the team from prison... somehow that would happen to the Browns.

Seal

GMoney said...

I would LOVE for my owner to get sent to prison.

Prime99 said...

^^^ And THAT is how you know D. Snyder is Top 3 material.

Seal, I'm glad we had this Good Will Hunting moment. I'm like Robin Williams with less personalities and less knuckle hair.

Randall Stevens said...

Just chalk Seal's comments up today to the news of having a girl. He's probably spent most of the day thinking of how he can get away with chopping off a bunch of teenage dicks 16 years from now.

The only nice thing I have to say about Jail Bird Jimmy is at least he cares about football. That's more than you could ever say about Randall Lerner.

Anonymous said...

Seal has thought about teenage dicks long before he learned of his impending daughter.

Ide

GMoney said...

That's a problem though, RS. Give me a guy that knows nothing about the sport over some asshole who thinks that he does and interjects himself in all the decisions (like Jerry and Danny Boy).

Anonymous said...

Wow, the comments would have sucked today without me. If I were you I would obviously de-crown Drew and just give the trophy to me.

Seal

GMoney said...

Valid argument.

Mr. Ace said...

Browns fans are cute.

Anonymous said...

You think guys are cute? Fag.

GMoney said...

HEturnedON

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this post today, even though I got shit on - good topic. Especially considering we are sure to be in for another yawner of a Thursday around here tomorrow.

Seal

GMoney said...

I'm sure that Ape has something cooking. In ye olde days when I did everything but Tuesday, I would not post anything tomorrow or Friday out of respect for the tournament so at least we'll have something.

Anonymous said...

Damn, I had a solid guest post lined up for the blackout days.

It involved an amazing shitting story too. I like to think of myself as the George Brett of this blog.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Seal firing passive aggressive shots about my blogging prowess? U MAD BRO? Now I'm totes gonna post about you raising Anthony Davis' unibrowed daughter.

Anonymous said...

You called my argument today cute, BRAH. Im not going to let you take a shot at me without firing back.

Seal

Randall Stevens said...

When you hold the power of the keyboard, everyone is looking to take shots at you.

Anonymous said...

Is anyone having trouble completing the billion dollar bracket? If so, please advise how to circumvent the never ending loop of clicking on "make picks now" & being forwarded to the yahoo app page? Even after downloading the app, it still keeps sending me to the same page. I've seen many comments of others having the same issue, but since G$ was able to complete his bracket, there has to be some explanation for my continued troubles with this. I have quite a few friends & former colleagues that will be officiating this tournament so I feel like I have a decent shot at the billion dollars, if I can just complete the bracket.

Thanks, I really appreciate any help the commenters of this blog can provide. Whoever is able to guide me in the right direction, will be rewarded with 10 million dollars after I get my billion.

Tim Donaghy

GMoney said...

Tim, do it on a laptop like a normal person. Thanks for the 10 mill.