Speaking of NFL owners, the Lions need a new one (or maybe someone took the reins already…I don’t give a fuck) as William Clay Ford finally died a few weeks ago. This guy doesn’t get enough credit for being a fuck-ass as he pretty much refused to fire Matt Millen until 90% of the Lions home games were attended by people wearing brown paper bags. This got me thinking about making a list (always a classic topic staple here!). Actually, this one was kind of tough with such worthy contenders. Who are the ten worst owners in the NFL!!!
10. Mark Davis, Oakland – All you really have to do is look at the guy to know that he isn’t all there. Even Peter Rose’s Prince Valiant haircut from the 70’s laughs at Little Al’s weave.
9. Jerry Richardson, Carolina – This guy is truly a bucket of shit. He is in his 70’s but paid his way to the top of a heart transplant list a few years ago and probably killed more deserving and younger people. That story doesn’t get told enough. He is also a huge racist and probably calls Cam Newton “Kunte”.
8. Ralph Wilson, Buffalo – I would say JUST DIE ALREADY but his still-breathing-somehow corpse is probably the only thing keeping the Bills in NY. They need to come to Rob Ford where they belong. He would treat them well.
7. Jim Irsay, Indianapolis – This shithead hasn’t worked a day in his life and got a fucking NFL team handed to him by his daddy. Then he lucks into years of Peyton and, uh, Luck. I’m glad that he needs help. I just hope that no one gives it to him. Seriously, Irsay might be the luckiest person on the planet. Everyone should envy him but no one should respect him.
6. Daniel Snyder, Washington – Hoo boy, Little Danny probably could be in the top 5 but he has been known to sue people who write mean things about him on the internet so we’ll keep him just out. He has turned Fed Ex Field into one of the worst game day experiences in the league. He sues season ticket holders. He meddles like a boss. The one bit of credit I will give him is that he has removed himself from the GM process. And that is great because he was AWFUL at that.
5. Virginia McCaskey, Chicago – LOL a woman owner! She is related to George Halas somehow. I’m pretty sure that all Bears fans want her to die so that Ditka can run the team somehow. There isn’t a fan base more stuck in the past with no intentions of joining the real world than the Bears. Now let’s watch Prime teach his kid how to do The Super Bowl Shuffle!
4. Green Bay Packers Fans, Green Bay – There aren’t many things more annoying than knowing a Packer fan who bought one share of the team and call themselves an owner. Fuck these people. Fuck them hard up the cheese-shoot.
3. Mike Brown, Cincinnati – There isn’t an owner in all of sports more niggardly(!) with his money than old Mikey. He doesn’t allow anyone to take Gatorade home with them. His scouting staff is 20% the size of your average NFL teams. That staff includes former Buckeye coach and Michigan’s bitch, John Cooper (I believe). He is a cheap bastard that would rather make a dollar profit than win the Super Bowl and lose a buck. Plus, not one person in SW Ohio likes him.
2. Jerry Jones, Dallas – Jerral the owner would be fine because he spends money and demands wins. Jerral the GM makes Jerry Jones overall the second worst owner in football. My God, he is rotten at drafting/spending his cap wisely. I mean, come on, there is NO STATE TAX in Texas! Big time players should be lining up to play in that lavish stadium of his. But they aren’t because Dallas never has cap room and the coaching staff is always butt. The Cowboys should be a TRANSCENDENT franchise!
1. Jimmy Haslam, Cleveland – You’ve really got to hand it to Jimmy. In less than one year as owner, he started over twice. That takes big dumb balls. This guy has no idea what he’s doing AND he is about to go to prison for the rest of his life (you Browns fans should be rooting for this). I would love to find out why Goodell didn’t take the team from him. This guy is scum, a rube, and a moron. He is a really triple threat of shittiness (also: he is a Steelers fan which somehow makes this package even more grubby).
While you may not agree with the order above, you can’t deny that these ten owners are really bad. It just goes to show you that being rich doesn’t make one intelligent. And I should know since I’m three weeks from becoming a billionaire and I plan on being just as stupid. Solid gold toilets for all!!!