"Ma-Hay-Low? Did I say it right? /snort laugh"
Even though I'm in a far away place while you losers get dumped on with another tonnage of Mother Nature's cunt fury, it won't stop me from bringing you yet another flawless Tuesday post. If blog Pulitzer's were a thing, I would be in the running every year. But even though I never take days off, don't expect some fancy schmancy post today while I'm on vacation. I don't like you fuckers that much. Anyway, since I've been doing a lot of traveling lately, this is what you assholes get. The DOs and DONTs while traveling the globe. For most of you that globe is Ohio.
DO Travel first class
I'm not saying travel first class every time you fly. That would just be unrealistic unless you fart money. But do it as often as your funds will allow. If you never have before, at least once in your life, you owe it to yourself to sloth it up in first class and turn your nose up to all of the fucking scabs in coach. First class is the cat's ass. You get everything and coach gets shit. Meals, drinks, hot towels, endless snacks, extra room to aggressively scratch your balls. First class does have it all. It really is worth the price of admission.
DONT wear your vacation garb while still on vacation
This never fails. If I'm in...let's say, Arizona...I will see some idiot tourist wearing a t-shirt that will have some gaudy desert picture emblazoned on it with Phoenix, AZ proudly displayed underneath. Listen. If you're all about buying vacation t-shirts designed for men and women over the age of 60 then by all means, get nasty with it. But for the love of Jehovah, wait until you get back to whatever state you hail from before you start wearing it every other day. You look fucking stupid when you debut it in the state you purchased it in. Or continue to wear it so the tweekers know what sucker to harass for spare change.
DO Avoid Asians
Holy shit. There is not a more oblivious group of people on the planet. Asians are in a fucking league of their own. Not to brag, but I've been all over the world on various work trips/vacations. It doesn't matter what part of the globe I'm in...Asian people have a knack of constantly getting in the fucking way. Whether it be to window shop, aimlessly look around or just to take a picture of a crack in the sidewalk for no God damn reason at all. You can set your fucking watch to an Asian not paying attention while plowing through your body if you happen to be in their general vicinity. If you see one, just stop and cross the street or walk in the opposite direction. It'll be worth it, I promise.
DONT use the local lingo in a pathetic attempt to fit in
You're not fitting in, you're looking and sounding like a complete dildo. Just because you're in Southern California doesn't mean that you have to be "stoked" about everything or you have to think that everything is "rad". Locals can spot the tourists ripping off the way they talk and I can promise you they aren't impressed. They think you're a fucking loser and they're definitely making fun of you but you're too stupid to realize it. You're from Ohio (most of you). Act like it.
DO rub it in
There's nothing better than being a social media bragger. I love giving a big "fuck you" to all of the suckers back home who are dick deep in snow while I'm getting gassed on a tropical beach. It almost always brings out the worst in people. But fuck em because I don't care. The reality is that a nice vacation to a place you've never been before is very possible if you learn how to budget your money correctly and stick to a savings plan. I'm by no means a financial stud (I would be if this fucking blog actually paid me what I'm worth!!!) but I've been able to travel to a lot of awesome places despite that. I like to think by rubbing it in I'm providing that extra push to the people who always talk about how they've always wanted to go to "insert place here". I'm a giver. I just can't help it.
DONT stick to the hot touristy spots
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of touristy places where you're going that deserve attention. But you should only spend a small portion of your trip at those places. Some of the coolest shit around you won't find in a guide book you bought at Barnes and Noble for fifteen bucks. But that also means you actually have to locate your nuts and ham it up with the locals to find the really gnarly spots. As long as you're straight with them, most are more than happy to offer up some hidden gems of whatever land you're fanny packing around in. Or you can just tuck your t-shirt into your jean shorts and hit your second resort luau in 4 days, pansy.
DO experience local cuisine
It'll either be mind blowing or totally traumatic. Either way you'll have a bitchin story to tell when you get back. Because you can always shove McDonald's into your fat fucking mouth 6 days in a row back home, right? Example: A year and a half ago I was in Maui and went to a restaurant that served poi. Didn't know what it was, never had it but I knew it was something only Hawaiians eat. So I said "fuck it" and dove right in. Huge mistake. If you could somehow turn what morning breath smells like into a paste, that's what the flavor was. It took every muscle I had not to fucking retch all over the table. But I'm glad I ate it because who the hell can say they've had poi? Stop being a pussy and eat what the locals eat at the diviest dives that ever dived.
DONT sleep in
You can sleep when you're dead, ya fuckin bum. Vacations are for doing shit you can't do back home while living the life you hate. Vacations are not for laying in bed until noon like a hung over college kid.
DO learn about the local customs and history
Get cultured, scab. Not only do other states/countries have great history and interesting facts, you can also explode people's skulls with tasty knowledge upon your triumphant return. You should always take advantage of any opportunity to pretend you're smarter than you really are.
DONT feel obligated to bring home gifts for everyone you know
The very first question I ALWAYS get asked when I reintegrate myself back into my home turf is, "whaddya buy me?". The answer is always "Not a God damn thing". I will buy shit for my immediate family only if I see something they like and I'll buy something for a friend who has done me a memorable solid recently. Outside of that, you can fuck off proper.
DO feel obligated to get yourself tons of shit
Go nuts, guys. Buy the shit you would never buy yourself in a thousand years. Like Donna and Tom from Parks and Rec say, "TREAT YO' SELF!" Stop being such a fucking tight wad for once. You've set aside a certain amount of loot to spend while on vacation and you're a sucker if you bring any of it back. But don't buy the Made In China mass produced garbage. Get the locally made stuff no one else has. People will be jealous and jealousy totally rules.
DONT try to fuck the locals
I see this everywhere I go and it never stops being hilarious. Be it one of my friends or a drunk cock waste at a bar I'm in. She doesn't care about that fictional life you just mouth puked on her or how much money you have or where you live. At the end of the day she's heard better lines from hotter guys with bigger Johnsons. Unless you're someone extremely famous, she isn't fucking you. No, she isn't. NO! SHE IS NOT!
There you go, dicks. Follow these simple rules and you will be a traveling expert like myself in no time. Now prepare yourself for Ide to tell the story of that one smoking hot local bartender who doesn't have a Facebook that he fucked that one time in the Niagra Falls area. She's real, you guys! HONEST!!