Tuesday, March 18, 2014

I Don't Take Days Off, N-Words!

"Ma-Hay-Low?  Did I say it right?   /snort laugh"

Even though I'm in a far away place while you losers get dumped on with another tonnage of Mother Nature's cunt fury, it won't stop me from bringing you yet another flawless Tuesday post.  If blog Pulitzer's were a thing, I would be in the running every year.  But even though I never take days off, don't expect some fancy schmancy post today while I'm on vacation.  I don't like you fuckers that much.  Anyway, since I've been doing a lot of traveling lately, this is what you assholes get.  The DOs and DONTs while traveling the globe.  For most of you that globe is Ohio.

DO Travel first class

I'm not saying travel first class every time you fly.  That would just be unrealistic unless you fart money.  But do it as often as your funds will allow.  If you never have before, at least once in your life, you owe it to yourself to sloth it up in first class and turn your nose up to all of the fucking scabs in coach.  First class is the cat's ass.  You get everything and coach gets shit.  Meals, drinks, hot towels, endless snacks, extra room to aggressively scratch your balls.  First class does have it all.  It really is worth the price of admission.

DONT wear your vacation garb while still on vacation

This never fails.  If I'm in...let's say, Arizona...I will see some idiot tourist wearing a t-shirt that will have some gaudy desert picture emblazoned on it with Phoenix, AZ proudly displayed underneath.  Listen.  If you're all about buying vacation t-shirts designed for men and women over the age of 60 then by all means, get nasty with it.  But for the love of Jehovah, wait until you get back to whatever state you hail from before you start wearing it every other day.  You look fucking stupid when you debut it in the state you purchased it in.  Or continue to wear it so the tweekers know what sucker to harass for spare change.

DO Avoid Asians

Holy shit.  There is not a more oblivious group of people on the planet.  Asians are in a fucking league of their own.  Not to brag, but I've been all over the world on various work trips/vacations.  It doesn't matter what part of the globe I'm in...Asian people have a knack of constantly getting in the fucking way.  Whether it be to window shop, aimlessly look around or just to take a picture of a crack in the sidewalk for no God damn reason at all.  You can set your fucking watch to an Asian not paying attention while plowing through your body if you happen to be in their general vicinity.  If you see one, just stop and cross the street or walk in the opposite direction.  It'll be worth it, I promise.

DONT use the local lingo in a pathetic attempt to fit in

You're not fitting in, you're looking and sounding like a complete dildo.  Just because you're in Southern California doesn't mean that you have to be "stoked" about everything or you have to think that everything is "rad".  Locals can spot the tourists ripping off the way they talk and I can promise you they aren't impressed.  They think you're a fucking loser and they're definitely making fun of you but you're too stupid to realize it.  You're from Ohio (most of you).  Act like it.

DO rub it in

There's nothing better than being a social media bragger.  I love giving a big "fuck you" to all of the suckers back home who are dick deep in snow while I'm getting gassed on a tropical beach.  It almost always brings out the worst in people.  But fuck em because I don't care.  The reality is that a nice vacation to a place you've never been before is very possible if you learn how to budget your money correctly and stick to a savings plan.  I'm by no means a financial stud (I would be if this fucking blog actually paid me what I'm worth!!!) but I've been able to travel to a lot of awesome places despite that.  I like to think by rubbing it in I'm providing that extra push to the people who always talk about how they've always wanted to go to "insert place here".  I'm a giver.  I just can't help it.

DONT stick to the hot touristy spots

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of touristy places where you're going that deserve attention.  But you should only spend a small portion of your trip at those places.  Some of the coolest shit around you won't find in a guide book you bought at Barnes and Noble for fifteen bucks.  But that also means you actually have to locate your nuts and ham it up with the locals to find the really gnarly spots.  As long as you're straight with them, most are more than happy to offer up some hidden gems of whatever land you're fanny packing around in.  Or you can just tuck your t-shirt into your jean shorts and hit your second resort luau in 4 days, pansy.

DO experience local cuisine

It'll either be mind blowing or totally traumatic.  Either way you'll have a bitchin story to tell when you get back.  Because you can always shove McDonald's into your fat fucking mouth 6 days in a row back home, right?  Example: A year and a half ago I was in Maui and went to a restaurant that served poi.  Didn't know what it was, never had it but I knew it was something only Hawaiians eat.  So I said "fuck it" and dove right in.  Huge mistake.  If you could somehow turn what morning breath smells like into a paste, that's what the flavor was.  It took every muscle I had not to fucking retch all over the table.  But I'm glad I ate it because who the hell can say they've had poi?  Stop being a pussy and eat what the locals eat at the diviest dives that ever dived.

DONT sleep in

You can sleep when you're dead, ya fuckin bum.  Vacations are for doing shit you can't do back home while living the life you hate.  Vacations are not for laying in bed until noon like a hung over college kid.

DO learn about the local customs and history

Get cultured, scab.  Not only do other states/countries have great history and interesting facts, you can also explode people's skulls with tasty knowledge upon your triumphant return.  You should always take advantage of any opportunity to pretend you're smarter than you really are.

DONT feel obligated to bring home gifts for everyone you know

The very first question I ALWAYS get asked when I reintegrate myself back into my home turf is, "whaddya buy me?".  The answer is always "Not a God damn thing".  I will buy shit for my immediate family only if I see something they like and I'll buy something for a friend who has done me a memorable solid recently.  Outside of that, you can fuck off proper.

DO feel obligated to get yourself tons of shit

Go nuts, guys.  Buy the shit you would never buy yourself in a thousand years.  Like Donna and Tom from Parks and Rec say, "TREAT YO' SELF!"  Stop being such a fucking tight wad for once.  You've set aside a certain amount of loot to spend while on vacation and you're a sucker if you bring any of it back.  But don't buy the Made In China mass produced garbage.  Get the locally made stuff no one else has.  People will be jealous and jealousy totally rules.

DONT try to fuck the locals

I see this everywhere I go and it never stops being hilarious.  Be it one of my friends or a drunk cock waste at a bar I'm in.  She doesn't care about that fictional life you just mouth puked on her or how much money you have or where you live.  At the end of the day she's heard better lines from hotter guys with bigger Johnsons.  Unless you're someone extremely famous, she isn't fucking you.  No, she isn't.  NO!  SHE IS NOT!

There you go, dicks.  Follow these simple rules and you will be a traveling expert like myself in no time.  Now prepare yourself for Ide to tell the story of that one smoking hot local bartender who doesn't have a Facebook that he fucked that one time in the Niagra Falls area.  She's real, you guys!  HONEST!!


Grumpy said...

Gotta wear that t-shirt right away.

GMoney said...

Answer the fucking question, numb nuts...am I still allowed to wear my fanny pack??? It has everything I need!

You should avoid chinamen (or Asians as some people incorrectly and offensively call them) all the time not just while traveling.

I'm a huge fan of people watching at airports. Just love it. How else am I going to notice J-list celebs like Gary Thorne, Scott Williams, and Jay Bilas!

Anonymous said...

Randy goes to Hawaii a couple times and now he's a travel advisor? I bet he has ate at every Applebees and Dennys on the island.

GMoney said...

Yeah, not gonna lie, this comes off a little annoying no offense. But it is sure as shit more traveling than I do (acute laziness) so we'll let it slide.

Here's my borderline offensive question: how does flying work for Wheelz (and to a far lesser extent you)? There is no way that she could make it down the coach aisle so is she automatically upgraded to first class or is there a row designated for situations such as this? I'm sure that the answer is easy but I never thought about it. Second, you should not be extended the same courtesy. To quote the terrific movie, Goon, you should be riding pisshole forever.

Anonymous said...

Tourism rants is a game I can play.

First off, DO FUCK THE LOCALS. Or in my case, do fuck the tourists. They are easy, in for a dated amount of time and you NEVER have to wear protection. She gets a baby, thats on her. Don't come back.

Asians are deplorable, but they are fucking saints when compared to the awfulness that is the Eurotrash population. Black people don't come to NYC for vacation, if they do, they never leave Times Square. Good.

The Eurotrash come in thinking they own the place with their snobby attitudes. When you bump into them because they move at the pace of Walt Jr. they want to start a fight. Or say something inherently gay, because EVERYTHING they say in English sounds like a faggot talking during sex.

Pictures. It's your vacation. ITS OUR HOME. FUCK OFF. Here, let's stop all the traffic on 5th avenue while you take a picture of your fat fucking midwest family in front of the door to a Chipotle at the bottom of the Empire State Building. Cherish those fucking memories. Then they have the nerve to tell us, we're rude, when we walk in the shot. I photobomb EVERYTHING.

Landmarks. You've seen them on TV/movies/brochures. Guess what? It looks the exact fucking same in person, only with 100,000 more people to fight through. But, you'll do it, because you have to be at the bottom of the WTC and see absolutely none of it, because it is so fucking tall. But, you can tell EVERYONE that you saw it. So impressive. Get fucked.

Looking up. DONT DO IT. Yes, NYC has tall buildings here, so does Columbus and every other fucking city. Hell even Toledo has a tall building or two (likely on fire). If you look up, you will get ran into, then curse out all the locals for being rude, disregarding the fact you are walking around without looking where you are going.

Don't ask the locals to show you around. Nothing makes us cringe more than wanting to go to a place we loathe AND playing your tour guide so you won't feel stupid asking us the worst questions possible.

Stay off Citibikes. It never ends well.

Flying first class was cool until I lived in a place with Virgin America. First class is shit now. If you guys ever have a chance to fly on Virgin, fucking do it. It's the cheapest airline with constant deals. You can instant message and send drinks to other passengers, and they will do the same for you (I blacked out my last flight). It turns into insanity. Damn that Richard Branson. Jet Blue is neat too.


Anonymous said...

Most important "tip" that was just given was eating local. There's nothing dumber than being on vacation and eating at some chain restaurant that you could eat at anywhere else.


GMoney said...

So many Ide Lies. You may also know him as Mr. New York City apparently. I wonder how many times he has joined the Mile High Club. My guess is at least five times PER FLIGHT!

My favorite tip today though is get out of bed and go see shit. Also, eat local fare. There is no excuse to not eat cajun food in NOLA.

Jeff said...

"My favorite tip today though is get out of bed and go see shit. Also, eat local fare. There is no excuse to not eat cajun food in NOLA."

Those tips are on point. Get yo ass out of bed. Go to local restaurant and have a nice breakfast to start the day. Have a bloody mary or two if the hangover is that bad.

Mr. Ace said...

Those are some really ELITE Ide takes.

Totes gotta eat local. And NYC may be an outlier here, but I think most people are more than willing to point you in the right direction as far as a place to eat or check out. When I was in San Diego this summer the locals were very friendly. And with Yelp and the like it should be easy finding the nontouristy places.

Anonymous said...

Never did the Mile High Club. Did check off dive bar bathroom from the old bucket list. Pro Tip: Don't go to the Soho Room.


GMoney said...

I only go to restaurants recommended by Guy Fieri. I see no reason to avoid Flavor Town, BRAH!

GMoney said...

Did check off dive bar bathroom from the old bucket list.

Slamming Shook's Son in the shitter. Yeah, we're all TOTES JELLY of you. Good rimjob, good effort.

Cakes said...

Isn't this the THIRD time Randall has been to Hawaii in a year. I wonder if he knows there are other destinations in the world to travel to?

Anonymous said...

I want to go to Fieris joint for the ironic pleasure (so Brooklyn!) but its in Times Square and its a Guy Fieri restaurant. It looks hilariously tacky though, as expected. I do make it a point to try the 'celebrity' chefs places around town. Tom Collichios places are ELITE.

Mr New York also scored a couple tickets to JEETS last home game. And the August 10th Indians game.


Jeff said...

"Mr New York also scored a couple tickets to JEETS last home game"

No playoffs for the Yonks! How fitting

GMoney said...

Yeah, you misspoke, Mr. NYC. You will need World Series tickets, bruh.

Good take, Cakes, how about going somewhere actually NEW?

Anonymous said...

Well then, I'll have to cheer for the Red Sox and Orioles to top the Yanks.

Also, a cool thing to do whilst touristing is finding the cooler lesser known parts of the place. I believe G$ and co. were looking for a hidden sex room in a bar in N'Awlins. That is ELITE. I tend to take people to shit like that (we have a few hidden bars that are tits) and they love it.


GMoney said...

I am still furious that the underground sex dungeon was a mirage. FagNasty and I had all sorts of devious plans for that joint. It mostly involved buckets of skeet with a dash of Cat Jacks.

Randall Stevens said...

"Isn't this the THIRD time Randall has been to Hawaii in a year. I wonder if he knows there are other destinations in the world to travel to?"

Says the guy who has never been to Hawaii. You do know there are multiple islands and each one is completely different from the other, right? Of course you did from all of the times you've been here. How silly of me.

Just so you know it's 7am and I'm sitting on a beach while typing this. Eat all the dicks.

Ide is wrong...or just the local asshole you want to avoid while on vacation. Every place I've ever been I've never had a problem finding a local that is willing to offer up the hidden gems. It's probably because Ide isn't from NYC, just a tourist on a longer stay than most. If you can find the people born and raised where you are (or the locals who have been there for more than a year) they usually help you out because they're proud of where they live. DONT listen to Ide on this one.

Randall Stevens said...

I've seen the process quite a few times since I am a master traveler, G$. Traveling is actually easy for someone who isn't able bodied. All of the seats are accessible and they can sit anywhere. The only time someone who is handicapped can't sit in coach is if they're one of the morbidly obese lazy fucks who consider being fat a handicap. They don't make seats for lardasses who eat KFC 6 times a day. And fat isn't a handicap. Anyway. The handicapped people are the first on but the last off. This applies to all of the old people too. The airline has something called an aisle chair that conveniently fits through...YOU GUESSED IT...the aisle of every airplane ever made.

It's actually pretty hilarious looking at the disgusted faces of the able bodied people waiting and watching these people board first. Some even make comments under their breath though I've only heard stories...never actually heard the comments myself. I guess they're really in a hurry to go sit in their seat and wait instead of standing there and waiting.

GMoney said...

It's probably because Ide isn't from NYC, just a tourist on a longer stay than most.


Randall Stevens said...

By the way...anyone interested in joining a NCAA bracket where the pot is around $1800 let me know. I think it's $20 to join. I have an email I can forward you. Anyone interested send me a Facebook inbox message.

Anonymous said...

"Ide is wrong...or just the local asshole you want to avoid while on vacation. Every place I've ever been I've never had a problem finding a local that is willing to offer up the hidden gems."

Showing you around and telling you where the nearest bathhouse is after you sneak out when Wheelz is asleep are two different things. Hence my comment above where I referenced G$ NOLA trip. Reading must be hard at 7am.


Randall Stevens said...

Reading is hard when your comment is longer than the post itself.

Anonymous said...

My comments are called ELITE. Your posts aren't. Point me.


GMoney said...

Kind of a light week so far. I'm blaming YOU PEOPLE. The source material has been ELITE. You? Not ELITE. Let's pick up the pace.