|OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS CAN I PUNCH THESE TWO?|
But I made it work. On Tuesday May 20th, G$ will be saying goodbye to Derek Jeter LIVE from Wrigley Field for the opening game of a quick two gamer between the Pinstripes and the Cubbies. It will be a quick turn and burn trip but it is something that I have to do. Knowing my luck, it will probably get rained out. By the way, it costs EIGHTY BUCKS to sit in the bleachers at that dump to watch a minor league team. That is INSANE. I hope that Ditka sings the 7th inning stretch that night. In conclusion, fuck Prime, fuck Larry, fuck K-Dog, and fuck Buke. Ain’t no way I’m walking out of that piece of shit place while Go Cubs Go is blaring. On that note, how about I unload my yearly MLB Prediction Post since the season starts next week? Let's do this.
NL East: Washington, Atlanta, NY Mets, Philadelphia, Miami
Thoughts: Am I the only one that finds every team in this division to be really boring? The Nats took a step backwards last year (as I predicted) but that only means that they should be ready to rock now. Kris Medlen going down isn't all that bad. Erv Santana should be a fine replacement, but I'm concerned about The Soul Patrol. Let's be honest, they pretty much suck. The Mets, Phillies, and Marlins are all terrible but I'm sure that ESPN will broadcast at least 8 NYM/PHI games this season for no reason at all.
NL Central: St. Louis, Cincinnati*, Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, Chicago
Thoughts: You'd be a damn fool to not pick the Cardinals to make the playoffs. Granted, they got a lot worse this winter by paying Jhonny Peralta's chunky butt 50+ million, but they are still the most complete team. The Reds are off to a rip-roaring start with Aroldis Chapman having his skull split in half. That isn't a good omen. Plus, Brandon Phillips attitude could be an issue. He does not seem to be very happy. Call me crazy, but I think that Ryan Braun comes back with a very nice season. I expect the Buccos to take the same step back that Washington took last year. The Cubs are God awful and play in a horrible stadium.
NL West: San Francisco, San Diego*, Los Angeles, Arizona, Colorado
Thoughts: History tells us that the Giants win the Series, miss the playoffs, win the series again, and then miss the playoffs. So we're back to them winning a title this year then, right? The Padres are my sleeper team this season. Go ahead and ask me why...I have no idea why so I'll just say "Andrew Cashner might be good!" I am very intrigued by the Dodgers. The media is already setting things up for Yasiel Puig to destroy this team and I agree that it is going to happen. It will be GLORIOUS because it really does seem like Puig is a bigger shithead than Manny Ramirez at his worst. I don't know shit about the other two teams so I'll just assume that they blow (top notch analysis).
AL East: New York, Boston*, Baltimore, Tampa Bay, Toronto
Thoughts: I haven't been this excited for a Yankees season in a long time. I am really pumped to see Tanaka and Pineda finally out there and we now have one of the best rotations in the game. Boston got a lot of big years out of average players last year so a return to the mean by guys like Victorino and Napoli should be expected. One of these days, Big PEDapi is going to die. The Orioles have always had everything but reliable starting pitching and they got a bargain on Ubaldo late in free agency because the Indians are so dumb. Tampa Bay is always OVERRATED. Yes, they are. Toronto sucks more than the Maple Leafs.
AL Central: Detroit, Kansas City, Cleveland, Minnesota, Chicago
Thoughts: I didn't much care for Dave Dombrowski's asshole public shaming of Max Scherzer. Dude, fuck you. It's called a negotiation and you don't make this crap public. I'm not really sure why the Tigers didn't just give Stephen Drew a blank check for one year. For that matter, is Drew ever going to sign with anyone? More like Stephen Drool IMO. Let's talk about the Tribe now and why I see them as an 80-82 win team. There are consequences to the organization shitting all over your Opening Day starter. That stuff lowers morale even if no one admits it. I'm glad that you rubes are excited but I don't really see why. There are so few reliable arms on that roster. They be talented but we don't know if they're consistent. I don't know. I just don't see another "playoff appearance" happening. I wouldn't be surprised if you're out of it by Labor Day. I absolutely love Phil Hughes in Minny. You heard it here first, bros.
AL West: Oakland, Texas*, Anaheim, Seattle, Houston
Thoughts: I'm tired of picking the A's to suck only to watch them rearrange colons. Never again. I actually kind of like what Texas did over the winter with Choo and Prince and getting rid of Kinsler. I'm concerned about the injuries to Darvish, Holland, and Profar though. Those guys aren't replaceable. I don't know if anything would be worse than being an Angels fan and know that you have to root for Hamilton and Pujols to steal money for the next however many years. Listen to this: stay away from Cano in your fantasy drafts. Someone is going to take him late in the first round. Don't let that person by you. He is going to struggle. We don't talk about the Astros much here, but Henry County's own Marc Krauss absolutely crushed the ball all Spring. I played against his older brothers and cousin in high school (humblbrag BRAH!). Might be a decent sleeper OF.
Put me down for a very non-homer pick of the Yankees beating the Nationals to send The Captain out as the GOAT. I’ll go with Bryce Harper and Miguel Cabrera for the MVPs. Cy Young winners are Kershaw and TATANKA, BRAH! And I’m going to do a Tommy John surgery prediction for this year: Jut Verlander! Fuck that guy!
Our fantasy baseball draft is on Sunday and while Michael Trout should be a slam dunk first pick, I'm thinking that Andrew McCutchen could have a really good case for #2. Sure, Miggy Cabrera is pretty sweet--you know what, nope--Cabrera is still #2. Andy Mac's steals don't make up for the run-producing ELITEness of this fat drunk. I GUARANSHEED that I don't end up with that loser Verlander again. It's time to de-throne Jeff.
We’re all hoops and zombies on Monday so enjoy Opening Day whenever that falls for you. If you root for a bad team, you probably love this day. If you are a winner like me, it doesn’t matter as much. I’ve got my first games of the season tomorrow (damn rain better hold off) so it’s time to start playing. I was told that the Nap baseball team hasn’t even practiced outside yet. Jesus. PLAY BALL! GO YANKEES!