Friday, March 28, 2014

G$ Predicts The MLB Season

OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS CAN I PUNCH THESE TWO?
I’m not sure if any of you have heard about this, but 2014 is going to be Derek Jeter’s last season as a professional baseball player. Some website or something just voted him the 11th best LEADER in the world so you KNOW that this is going to be a special season for EL CAPITAN! Being the classy and intelligent Yankees fan that YOUR LEADER is, I determined it mandatory for me to watch #2 play one more time in person. So I started looking through the schedule to see what would work. With a knocked up wife and Ide being there, a trip to NYC was out of the question. They play in Cleveland during the week around the delivery date. They play in Detroit during the damn week a few days after I’m going to be a dad. They play the Reds in The Bronx. SHIT.

But I made it work. On Tuesday May 20th, G$ will be saying goodbye to Derek Jeter LIVE from Wrigley Field for the opening game of a quick two gamer between the Pinstripes and the Cubbies. It will be a quick turn and burn trip but it is something that I have to do. Knowing my luck, it will probably get rained out. By the way, it costs EIGHTY BUCKS to sit in the bleachers at that dump to watch a minor league team. That is INSANE. I hope that Ditka sings the 7th inning stretch that night. In conclusion, fuck Prime, fuck Larry, fuck K-Dog, and fuck Buke. Ain’t no way I’m walking out of that piece of shit place while Go Cubs Go is blaring. On that note, how about I unload my yearly MLB Prediction Post since the season starts next week? Let's do this.

NL East: Washington, Atlanta, NY Mets, Philadelphia, Miami
Thoughts: Am I the only one that finds every team in this division to be really boring?  The Nats took a step backwards last year (as I predicted) but that only means that they should be ready to rock now.  Kris Medlen going down isn't all that bad.  Erv Santana should be a fine replacement, but I'm concerned about The Soul Patrol.  Let's be honest, they pretty much suck.  The Mets, Phillies, and Marlins are all terrible but I'm sure that ESPN will broadcast at least 8 NYM/PHI games this season for no reason at all. 

NL Central: St. Louis, Cincinnati*, Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, Chicago
Thoughts: You'd be a damn fool to not pick the Cardinals to make the playoffs.  Granted, they got a lot worse this winter by paying Jhonny Peralta's chunky butt 50+ million, but they are still the most complete team.  The Reds are off to a rip-roaring start with Aroldis Chapman having his skull split in half.  That isn't a good omen.  Plus, Brandon Phillips attitude could be an issue.  He does not seem to be very happy.  Call me crazy, but I think that Ryan Braun comes back with a very nice season.  I expect the Buccos to take the same step back that Washington took last year.  The Cubs are God awful and play in a horrible stadium.

NL West: San Francisco, San Diego*, Los Angeles, Arizona, Colorado
Thoughts: History tells us that the Giants win the Series, miss the playoffs, win the series again, and then miss the playoffs.  So we're back to them winning a title this year then, right?  The Padres are my sleeper team this season.  Go ahead and ask me why...I have no idea why so I'll just say "Andrew Cashner might be good!"  I am very intrigued by the Dodgers.  The media is already setting things up for Yasiel Puig to destroy this team and I agree that it is going to happen.  It will be GLORIOUS because it really does seem like Puig is a bigger shithead than Manny Ramirez at his worst.  I don't know shit about the other two teams so I'll just assume that they blow (top notch analysis).

AL East: New York, Boston*, Baltimore, Tampa Bay, Toronto
Thoughts: I haven't been this excited for a Yankees season in a long time.  I am really pumped to see Tanaka and Pineda finally out there and we now have one of the best rotations in the game.  Boston got a lot of big years out of average players last year so a return to the mean by guys like Victorino and Napoli should be expected.  One of these days, Big PEDapi is going to die.  The Orioles have always had everything but reliable starting pitching and they got a bargain on Ubaldo late in free agency because the Indians are so dumb.  Tampa Bay is always OVERRATED.  Yes, they are.  Toronto sucks more than the Maple Leafs.

AL Central: Detroit, Kansas City, Cleveland, Minnesota, Chicago
Thoughts: I didn't much care for Dave Dombrowski's asshole public shaming of Max Scherzer.  Dude, fuck you.  It's called a negotiation and you don't make this crap public.  I'm not really sure why the Tigers didn't just give Stephen Drew a blank check for one year.  For that matter, is Drew ever going to sign with anyone?  More like Stephen Drool IMO.  Let's talk about the Tribe now and why I see them as an 80-82 win team.  There are consequences to the organization shitting all over your Opening Day starter.  That stuff lowers morale even if no one admits it.  I'm glad that you rubes are excited but I don't really see why.  There are so few reliable arms on that roster.  They be talented but we don't know if they're consistent.  I don't know.  I just don't see another "playoff appearance" happening.  I wouldn't be surprised if you're out of it by Labor Day.  I absolutely love Phil Hughes in Minny.  You heard it here first, bros.

AL West: Oakland, Texas*, Anaheim, Seattle, Houston
Thoughts: I'm tired of picking the A's to suck only to watch them rearrange colons.  Never again.  I actually kind of like what Texas did over the winter with Choo and Prince and getting rid of Kinsler.  I'm concerned about the injuries to Darvish, Holland, and Profar though.  Those guys aren't replaceable.  I don't know if anything would be worse than being an Angels fan and know that you have to root for Hamilton and Pujols to steal money for the next however many years.  Listen to this: stay away from Cano in your fantasy drafts.  Someone is going to take him late in the first round.  Don't let that person by you.  He is going to struggle.  We don't talk about the Astros much here, but Henry County's own Marc Krauss absolutely crushed the ball all Spring.  I played against his older brothers and cousin in high school (humblbrag BRAH!).  Might be a decent sleeper OF.

Put me down for a very non-homer pick of the Yankees beating the Nationals to send The Captain out as the GOAT. I’ll go with Bryce Harper and Miguel Cabrera for the MVPs. Cy Young winners are Kershaw and TATANKA, BRAH! And I’m going to do a Tommy John surgery prediction for this year: Jut Verlander! Fuck that guy!

Our fantasy baseball draft is on Sunday and while Michael Trout should be a slam dunk first pick, I'm thinking that Andrew McCutchen could have a really good case for #2.  Sure, Miggy Cabrera is pretty sweet--you know what, nope--Cabrera is still #2.  Andy Mac's steals don't make up for the run-producing ELITEness of this fat drunk.  I GUARANSHEED that I don't end up with that loser Verlander again.  It's time to de-throne Jeff.

We’re all hoops and zombies on Monday so enjoy Opening Day whenever that falls for you. If you root for a bad team, you probably love this day. If you are a winner like me, it doesn’t matter as much. I’ve got my first games of the season tomorrow (damn rain better hold off) so it’s time to start playing. I was told that the Nap baseball team hasn’t even practiced outside yet. Jesus. PLAY BALL! GO YANKEES!

58 comments:

GMoney said...

I'm not going to kill the Tigers for extending their best player but HOLY SHIT is that a terrible contract or what???

Jeff said...

Mike Illitch give no fucks about his heirs. You can't take your money to the grave so whatevs. Contract is ridic, but this is just another case showing how much fucking money there is in baseball and why you should be pissed if your team isn't willing to pay your best players.

Randall Stevens said...

"I'm glad that you rubes are excited but I don't really see why."

Because these idiots say the same thing every year and think they'll be a playoff team this year because they were a pretend playoff team last year.

Word that is circling Detroit media outlets is Dombrowski wasn't the one who made his Scherzer opinions public. It was someone else high up in the organization. I caught the tail end of it on the radio yesterday.

GMoney said...

Rando Stevens is auditioning to be this site's beat reporter for the Tigers apparently. Gonna need a single wide on 8 Mile if you want that gig.

THIS IS NEXT YEAR, right???

The only real problem with the deal is that it is completely untradeable should something bad happen like Prince. Not saying that it will, but this is an A-Rod/Pujols level mistake and you're stuck with him if he balloons up to 400 pounds within the next week.

Anonymous said...

Jeff....well said. The money is only increasing as well...it will be very interesting to see how that stacks up to other "max" deals in 6 or 7 years.

Randall...you might be right on that. Scherzer came out with comments yesterday basically saying that he knew Dombrowski meant no ill will with that statement and that it wasn't a big deal. Sounds like they had a conversation and Dombrowski explained it....somebody really blew it with that original release though.

G$...as for Stephen Drew...it would have also cost the Tigers their first round pick next year to sign him. A 1st rounder plus the salary that he commands...not worth it. Losing Iglesias for the year was a big blow though...he was the ELITE defensive infielder that they have been so sorely missing.

What are you going to do with your Yankees tickets when Jeter is injured and not playing against the Cubs? Also, do you plan on taking a picture with the new mascot? Prime would be so jelly.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

A lot of LOLZ's around here today...

We'll start with G$ spending the money to go to Chicago to see Jeter in May. Come on bro, you better see him in April 'cause you know damn well he's gonna be on the DL by May 20th.

LOLZ at the Yankees winning the Series this year.

I will be the first to admit that Cabrera is the best hitter in baseball - dude is a beast. But holy shit that is a terrible contract. 10 years for a guy that is terrible at defense, fat, and has had some recent injuries? 10 years? HA! Please see how that Pujols contract is working out. You might get 2-3 more good years that Pujols gave the Angels, but no way is that contract a good one.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Slow...you can say that Cabrera is fat and has had some injuries...but, the only person that has played more games than him in the last 10 years is Ichiro. Now you could try and guess that maybe he's about to decline in health for some reason...but, he's really the definition of a durable player.

--Drew

Jeff said...

The Indians fans that talk about "bad" contracts or guys "not worth" the money are tards. Guess what? In 1997 when you went the the WORLD SERIES you had the 3RD HIGHEST payroll in baseball. Now you have the 21ST highest. Tell your sabermatricians to GTFO and go pay some people!

GMoney said...

Clark the Cub and I are going to take a bitchin' selfie. Maybe even a "belfie" if I'm lucky.

The Yankees have an off day on that Monday so, as long as he is off the DL (huge risk), he should be out there. Trust me, I scouted this very extensively. It will still be worth it to watch the World Champions play, bruh.

I pick the Yankees to win the Series every year. EVERY YEAR.

I feel like once Spring Training starts, that first round pick nonsense should expire. Teams have had five months to sign Drool and haven't. Give it a rest on the draft pick, MLB.

LULZ at you for saying that the Angels have gotten anything good from Pooholes. They have not.

Just noticed that the Yankees open up at the Astros. YOU TELL THAT SONOFABITCH THAT NO YANKEE IS EVER COMING TO HOUSTON, NOT AS LONG AS YOU BASTARDS ARE RUNNING THINGS!

Cakes said...

Really looking forward to that contract handcuffing the Tigers in the future. There is no question he is the best hitter on the planet but that contract is insane. The first extended visit to the DL will be LOL on Detroit radio.

I'm actually not going to argue with G$ on the Tribe. There is every possibility that injuries kill the shallow roatation we have this season. HOWEVAH, there is also a possibility that Tito works his magic again and we build on last season.

Why would Masterson pitching in what is now a CONTRACT year be bad for the Tribe? That was dumb.

I don't think the Tigers are guaranteed the division like every mouth-breather does. The Marlboro man's absence is going to have a negative effect on the season whether you douchbags want to admit it or not. Cleveland is now the home of managerial royalty in the AL Central.

I also heard a great interview with our 12 year-old GM. He said they will NOT be afraid to spend money before the trading deadline if the team is in it. The tribe has the talent to win this year and the organization is ready to supplement that talent if need be. Let's get this fucking party started already!

Guess Dayton wasn't that bad huh?

GMoney said...

Jeff, you make it seem like taking an incredible hometown discount from your best pitcher in his prime and lowballing that is a BAD decision???

AWFUL ORGANIZATION WITH EVEN WORSE FANS AND RADIO ANNOUNCER.

Anonymous said...

We need Cakes to pop in...offer up some obviously ridiculous opinions on the Tribe....then Mrs. Ward can come in and serve him up something proper so that we can laugh at the worst poster of the day for the 2nd straight day.

--Drew

GMoney said...

BEAT THE PENS!

Cakes said...

Funny that the Yankee fan (LOL) is calling out people for having "worse" fans. Midwest Yankee fan is the absolute worst. It is only rivaled my midwest Cowboy or Ohio Steeler fan. You bring shame to your family.

Also, Hamilton is top three in baseball. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Jeff - because that '97 had a 10 year 300 mill contract on it. Dont be dumb and put words in my mouth.

Seal

Prime99 said...

Click to find out if Clark wears pants! SPOILER ALERT- he doesn't. (NSFW)

G$, you are going to have way too much fun with Clark.

It sucks to have no expectations for the Cubs. I want to see steps forward, and the rest is playing with house money. If they were to finish third I'd be really happy, yet that statement makes me sad.

Eighty bucks for bleachers is a rip off. That's Yankees inflation though. Guarantee a random game vs the Marlins would be much less.

Speaking of beating Miami, 2015 WS Champs! It has been foretold!

Anonymous said...

YESSSSSSSSS - Cakes called G$ a terrible fan for living in Ohio and liking the Yankees... this ought to be awesome.

Might as well throw Jeff in there Cakes. Dude is a Sox and Steelers fan.

Seal

Jeff said...

"LOLZ at Jeff - because that '97 had a 10 year 300 mill contract on it. Dont be dumb and put words in my mouth."

I never said that, fuck stick. If you put things together like most rational human beings, it's not hard to realize that when you were one of the teams spending the most money in the sport (with no salary cap), you had success.

GMoney said...

Only a moron Indians fan would concern himself with Geography when it comes to fanhood. Now, you guys are probably too dumb and inbred to remember this, but when Jeff and I were kids and chose our teams, those teams were God fucking awful. But hey, it's just a FACT. What do I know?

If it were up to these knuckledraggers, everyone living in Ohio would only be allowed to root for the home team (dumbest line of thinking ever) and thus Ohio would have a suicide rate of about 99%.

Prime, I'm pretty sure that bleacher seats never dip below $50 though which is just awful.

GMoney said...

Indians fans are going to feel like Mr. Ace after a Mrs. Ward smackdown by the end of the day.

Jeff said...

Just throw in your "GO CATS" and bow out, brah.

Anonymous said...

Jeff - once again, putting words in my mouth. I know you Steelers fans struggle at comprehending words, but try this again...

I said it was a bad contract. I did not say having a high payroll was bad or stupid. I understand that you have to pay people to win. Which I will also admit I am jealous of teams that do have owners that pay players. That being said, I did say that the Cabrera contract was bad/stupid - which it is. I also said that the Indians didnt have a bad contract like that on their payroll in '97 - and i understand we were winning at the time due to a high payroll.

Do you understand now? If you need me to call you and talk you through this, as reading doesn't help, please feel free to provide your phone number.

Seal

Cakes said...

Can't argue with that potential suicide rate. The years of torture and dissappointment are what's going to make our future success so awesome.

Why is Geography a bad reason for fanhood? Born in Ohio. Like teams from Ohio. Makes sense to me. Well, that and my dad wouldn't have let me in the house had I tried to cheer for anyone else.


We've had this argument before so let's not fall down the rabbit hole again. What's important today is the Indians 2014 AL Central Crown.

GMoney said...

I agree. I do not want to argue this again ever. Just know that you're wrong and GIVE IT A REST.

State pride is for people who "root for the Big Ten". It makes very little sense.

Kiss my 27 World Series rings, cocks!

Anonymous said...

Good. I might burn that extra ticket to JEETS last regular season (possibly ever) home game. I'm hoping they don't make the playoffs.

Ide

GMoney said...

BUT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ROOT ROOT ROOT FOR THE HOME TEAM!!! Unless you chose the Mets which would be the saddest thing ever.

Jeff said...

Extremely Slow today, I see. Reading comprehension is not your strong suit. What the fuck goes on in your head? You see something written and just spin it and fucking make shit up and get angry at the shit you twist it into?

You just said you were jealous of teams that spent more. Don't remember? See here:

"I did not say having a high payroll was bad or stupid. I understand that you have to pay people to win. Which I will also admit I am jealous of teams that do have owners that pay players"

That's pretty much what I originally said and you agreed.

I WIN. Go dunk your head in a bucket of piss.

Anonymous said...

Bold prediction-The Cubs finish within 10 games of .500 this year...

Prime-October 2015 can't get here soon enough. Trust Biff... Put some money on the Cubbies!

G$-Please advise/refresh my memory... is the draft order set or is that something we get on Sunday?

Buke

Anonymous said...

Jeff vs. Slow today? I'm gonna grab some popcorn and just watch this one from the sidelines.

--Drew

Cakes said...

I'm glad Buke brought up the draft this weekend. First off, I thought the whole "AOL chat" thing was a joke. Then I got on to the league site and saw there really is no online draft. Few questions.

Does this mean I have to physically keep track of a list of players instead of letting skynet do it?

Is the year 2001?

Is AOL still a thing?

GMoney said...

Draft order will be set by Jeff Draw on Sunday.

Cakes, you better believe that we're going old skool! You do have to keep track although it feels like no one does with the amount of duplicate picks that take place. You betta have that AOL account ready, too, BRAH!

Seal is turning into quite the punching bag in the comment section. Can you imagine if Mrs. Ward got a hold of him!

Anonymous said...

Quite the punching bag? Where and how? You just got done saying how I have owned Drew lately. Are you saying that Jeff is winning today?

Its not my fault that Im not in your guys group of friends so I get shit on around here daily. Doesnt mean I wont still post my opinions.

Seal

Cakes said...

Jesus! I'm not prepared for that level of commitment. Is there some kind of app/webpage that lets me keep track of that sort of thing? Between a live draft and an AOL chat, this is going to be a clusterfuck. Too late now I suppose.

TEAM SEAL!

Anonymous said...

G$- my laptop is a piece and I won't be bringing it to the draft. Obvz that means I won't be assisting with the aol stuff.

I love the pussy indian fans that rip on other teams for spending $$. Guess what.. We have an owner that's worth 2.7 billion and only cares about winning, a huge tv contract, and real fans that actually attend games. You don't (except for the tv deal probably). You are still handcuffed more than the tigers. This is why you play for 2nd place every year. Suck it.

Seal might as well go back to bed today. Getting pwned by Jeff and watching your team get tko'd by your rival is not a good day.

I introduced Jsaul to drew last night. They were both gazing into each other's eyes for 3 minutes. Love at first sight.

Dut

Anonymous said...

"and watching your team get tko'd by your rival is not a good day."

The best part about this, is that Dut is such a pussy commenter and only posts on here once a week (if that). So if UK were to win tonight, he wouldnt show up next week for me to laugh at him. Go blow Aaron craft, douchebag.

Just doing my best over here to make sure I never get the invite to ribgest again... or if I do, the only reason is to get my ass kicked. Fuck you all (except cakes, and that Iceman guy that used to post here).

Seal

Anonymous said...

Yes Cakes. I only use AOL for this draft. Its a real nuisance dealing with those inane updates ALL YEAR ROUND. Also you do have to keep track. I have a great system that works really well for me, but fuck you.

I wondered about the draft order as well. Now that Ape is gone, no one will try to copy my ELITE strategy and I will likely will my way into the playoffs again.

I lean towards the Yanks over the Mets, but that DiceKKK tweet went a long way. Good moxie, Mets.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Oh and Prime, hes cool.

Seal

Jeff said...

"Just doing my best over here to make sure I never get the invite to ribgest again... or if I do, the only reason is to get my ass kicked. Fuck you all (except cakes, and that Iceman guy that used to post here)."

SS, lighten up bro. Just cause you get in arguments and people talk shit to each other on the internet in the comment section of a blog doesn't mean you need to go home and put on lipstick and polish your rifle (ELITE Billy Madison reference).

At least I don't.

Cakes said...

That billy Madison reference was excellent.

Prime99 said...

First Drool tells me I'm the most unbiased commenter (highest compliment he's capable of giving) and now Seal says I'm cool. I'm doing a poor job of commenting here. No more heartworm meds for any of you!

GMoney said...

Implying that we're all friends here is insulting AND fightin' words.

Cakes, the way we run it makes you pay attention and puts a huge focus on drafting well. Doing an online draft and just having everyone pick the next guy on the list shows no expertise at all. DEAL WITH IT. It's harder but by no means hard. I'll tell you who gets picked. You print off a list of players and "cross him off then". World keeps spinnin'.

Dut, you always volunteer to help out with the chat but ALWAYS get distracted within the first two rounds and stop.

Anonymous said...

It should be noted that while G$ is correct, I have made the playoffs all three years, and I am by far the least knowledgeable person here when it comes to baseball.

But I am smarter than everyone in this league.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Slow...what do you think of your game tonight? Also, is htere any team that would make you angrier to get knocked out by than Louisville? Trying to gauge the rivalry level there.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Low scoring, first team to 60 wins. UK struggles with very good defensive teams - always rattles the freshman. Expect a UofL win... but if UK wins, I honestly they they have a good shot to win it all. This will be the hardest game of the tourny for them (with Florida being a close second if they were to play them in the Natty). Michigan is really good, but UK is a terrible matchup down low for them - Randle would go nuts.

I actually dont hate Louisville... and the only reason is Pitino. I really like Pitino and wish he would have never left UK. Duke, Florida, and Kansas would be much worse teams for me to watch them lose to when taking in the anger factor. By far most 3 hated teams in college hoops.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Ape....you mad that Desean Jackson is no longer in your life?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Oh, and Indiana - not sure how I left Crean Pie off the most hated list.

Anonymous said...

Slow...good thoughts. The Over/Under is 139...so, it might be a little higher scoring than you are anticipating.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Just fuck already, Slow and Drool! Now let's get back to talking about how the Tribe are going to lose 100 games this season which is ironic because they have 100 season ticket holders (and one is a bass drum)!

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed being friends with someone for a minute, sorry G$.

Seal

Mr. Ace said...

Disappointed to see DJax go because he could be an absolute monster in this offense. But if he is a 27 year old in the NFL with gang affiliations and supposedly questioned about a murder...so it's the right move.

GMoney said...

The Patriot Way is to keep said murderer until he has been indicted. This is why you fail and will finish last in the division this year. Plus, Mark Sanchez and Mark Barkley having to play once Nick Foles wakes up.

Eagles = Indians

Mr. Ace said...

I like the Sanchez signing. Chip Kelly is familiar with him and wanted him. He's clearly a backup. Not many fairly young backups with his resume.

Anonymous said...

His resume is just a crunch wrap supreme wrapper with a 14 year old's panties stapled to it.

--Racist Gruden

Anonymous said...

Go bet the under.

Seal

GMoney said...

Back to baseball, let's talk about the Yankees starting rotation! CC and Kuroda open as the first two starters but guys 3-5 could end up WINNING THE SERIES THIS YEAR because they're better. For God's sake, do not draft CC in your fantasy draft. Nova-Tatanka-Pineda should be an ELITE back end. Yeah, I said it. Nova is very good.

Cakes said...

Crossing people off a list by hand sounds like something a hipster would do. I'm sure this is why Ide has been so successful.

Your dedication to the old ways by shunning technology is lame but if I have to break out my trusty No. 2 to beat you, so be it.

GMoney said...

Well, if you assholes would all show up to the live draft, it wouldn't be a problem. But since that is not going to happen, this is how we make due.

"Cross him off then" was a Rachel Phelps reference. You should have chortled if you were a true Tribe fan.

Cakes said...

well aware my friend. I had the movie memorized at 15.