Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Detroit Suck City


"I'm not gonna tell you again.  Fewer basketball questions, more hair product questions."



If you remember about a month ago, I wrote about how hilarious and dysfunctional the Cleveland Cavaliers were.  Some of my finer work, if you ask me.  You can revisit that gem here.  So today it's only fair for me to dissect my own team in the same manner as we all give a collective giant forehead slap at the state of the Detroit Pistons.  Among the multitude of problems violently tornadoing their way through the Pistons organization, a very troubling rumor surfaced last week.  Tom Gores, or tardbag jizz for brains as I like to call him, is considering replacing Joe Dumars with none other than Mr. Grabby Tits himself, Isiah Thomas.

First let me say, what the fuck?  I'll follow that up with, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!  Give me a few minutes to collect myself...

How can anyone be that fucking dense?  Has Gores not paid attention to literally anything NBA related in the last decade and a half?  He should know how Thomas has failed miserably as a coach and GM everywhere he's been, right?  He should know about Thomas and his sexual harassment case in New York, yes?  If none of Gores' colleagues have mentioned it at least Google would have notified him, right?  Or does he not have Internet?  Because that would be really weird if a fucking billionaire didn't have Internet.  Isn't that the only excuse here?  Gores is Amish and shuns modern technology so therefore has no idea that Thomas is a grabby pervert and anything he touches turns into turd soup.

Yesterday people chimps in the Gores camp are saying the rumor isn't true and denying any possibility of Thomas being considered for Pistons GM.  But that's bullshit and I don't believe a fucking word of that because Gores has shown that he is a grade A boob and perfectly capable of making idiotic decisions such as these.  And I don't trust anyone who looks like Derek Zoolander.  The guy has zero basketball knowledge and that is a pretty universal belief throughout the entire city of Detroit/Auburn Hills from what I can gather.  He just sits at home games getting loaded and rubbing penis heads with Kid Rock.  What do you expect from a guy who was rumored to have purchased the Pistons so he can flip it for a profit?  Newsflash, dick nose.  In order to make a franchise more valuable you have to FUCKING WIN!  Selling to this asshole was an enormous mistake.

I just don't know what to think about this team/organization anymore.  It's hard to believe that one of the most successful franchises in NBA history has fallen this far.  And fallen to the point where they may not recover for 20 years.  It's almost the NBA version of the Cleveland Browns.  They can't find a decent coach.  They continue to make head scratching moves every off season despite doing a decent job of drafting talent.  And they can't seem to make the God damn playoffs or even come close.  Currently this team sits in the 10th spot 3 and a half games out of the playoffs.  Fucking Cleveland has passed them in the standings.  Think about it...a team that has guys fist fighting each other in practice has a better shot to make the playoffs.  Jesus Herbert Christ!  Look for Gores to hire John Calipari in the near future.  The only guy qualified to coach a shit team is a full on shitbag like Calipari.  Match made in disaster heaven.

30 comments:

Grumpy said...

Cal isn't taking that job. He can't cheat in the NBA.

Anonymous said...

Let me save you the trouble and just bullet point your post for you.

-Isiah Thomas
-dick joke about Kid Rock
-false rumor about John Calipari

Good post.

Randall Stevens said...

It would be fantastic if they could somehow rip Tom Izzo away from MSU. Doesn't that make too much sense? That would be a double win since State would have to replace one of the best college coaches ever while Detroit gets a guy the city would love/can win basketball games. But that would be like asking someone to move to Flint from San Diego.

GMoney said...

Don't you have breaking news to unleash on us, like, I don't know...a new future home?

BRING BACK ZEKE!

Anonymous said...

Lava Girl rolling to FLOLrida is rich comedy. Will he still be expected to attend RibFest?

There was some juicy gossip about Andre Drummond getting played by some Disney actress over the weekend. I will try to dig it up, but I figured that your boy getting PUT ON BLAST by some teenage white girl would have made the cut on your Piston shaming today.

Ide

GMoney said...

You didn't even get to the real hilarious portion of the Pistons franchise AKA Josh Smiff. Playing him out of position, asking him to be your superstar, AND his contract costing you the chance to resign the better Greg Monroe is a real triple threat of feces.

I would also like to add that Will Bynum is absolutely fucking terrible yet he has been employed by you guys for years now.

I did not know that we passed you on the ladder of kissing Michael Jordan's anus. That is still really sad.

Randall Stevens said...

While Andre Drummond seems to have an IQ that matches his free throw percentage, that doesn't trump the news of Zeke maybe feeling up women in the Detroit front office. If I put every last Piston short coming in this post it would have been 9 days long.

Who's this lava girl person? Since I don't want any of you visiting me, I will always keep my whereabouts a secret. I don't need the likes of Ide staining my couch with his love juice.

GMoney said...

This is the first time that I've seen a pic of Tom Gores. He looks like a magician that touches little boys/pulling quarters out of pee-pees. I'm sorry, AN ILLUSIONIST!

Anonymous said...

I have friends in Gainesville. That place is a hell hole. However, its a pretty big step up from Toledo, so there's that.

Let's talk about CBJ. We have one of the top offenses in the East and our defense will come around now that BobSICK is playing full time, even with that our differential is still fourf in the conference. We really need to start churning out more wins. That said, last night was a YUGE victory for us. And tonight will be even bigger.

Carry It!

Jeff said...

Huge win indeed for the CBJ. RyJo needs to quit worrying about scoring highlight reel goals and just put shots on net. The kid is trying to do way to much with the puck.

GMoney said...

I thought the same thing about Joey. SHOOT THE FUCKING THING instead of attempting weirdo spinarooni passes. The top line needs to get going and fast.

Sounds like Ryan Murray could be out for awhile. That's very much not good. Jarmo better start working the phones to get us some D help. We can't keep counting on Niki6 to keep playing out of his mind.

I would start C-Mac tonight and then unleash BOB on the paper champion Blackhawks Thursday. Remind them of what they ducked in the playoffs last season.

We're back to just a point out of the playoffs again (I think...it might be 3). A nice slate of Western foes coming up who should be nice and lay down for us like we always did for them in the past.

If you move from Ohio to Gainesville, you are pretty much pulling the reverse Urban Meyer. Expect to get more "health scares" now, bruh.

You will still be required to attend RibFest every year. You can stay with Grump.

Mr. Ace said...

Do people still care about the Pistons? Like REALLY care?

Gainesville....more like GAYSville amirite? Also, regarding your life partners choice of Grad program, she better be planning on just continuing for that PHD. Ain't no money in a Master's (Unless the state of Florida is very different than Ohio when it comes to mental health.)

GMoney said...

And outside of Vanderbilt, I can't imagine that a degree/Masters/doctorate from the SEC is worth more than a turd. These are the kind of poor decisions one makes when their attic is filthy.

Anonymous said...

Gainesville? I would venture to guess that's better than fucking Toledo.

I read this Isiah rumor over the weekend....read like an Onion article...but, I tend to believe it as well cuz' Gores is a lunatic.

Drummond had 17 and 26 last night tho...freak.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Does it really count if it comes against the Knicks though?

Anonymous said...

G$...I just checked with my sources...and yes, it does count.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Food post tomorrow? Who's down with that? It's either food or an NHL Trade Deadline open forum...OR BOTH!

Anonymous said...

Do the food post..cuz' if any of our teams make a trade we'll be discussing it anyways. Might as well talk food while we wait.

--Drew

Cakes said...

Please do a food post! Or baseball. There's always baseball.

GMoney said...

Framework is already done for it. FYI, this is probably the last idea I have left for a food post and that makes me a sad panda. We're running on E.

Randall Stevens isn't man enough to live in Ohio. He defines "Florida" what with his idiocy and addiction to bath salts. Everyone kick him in the nuts on Saturday.

Prime99 said...

NO STATE TAX IN FL!!!!!!!!!!!!

ZEKE could be worthy of getting it shaved into your head, so there's that if he becomes the GM.

Randall Stevens said...

Not really sure why everyone thinks I'm moving to Florida. You must have me confused with someone else.

No state tax! Good point, Prime. Maybe I should reconsider where I am.

The pistons are always relevant.

GMoney said...

Hmmmmm forgot about no state tax. That's a ELITE point IMO. But how are the schools down there?

Anyway, are you 'Stones fans cool with letting Monroe walk this summer? Seems stupid even if his game doesn't fit the best with Mr. Drummond. I mean, it can't fit any worse than Josh Smiffs with anyone.

Anonymous said...

They should have traded Monroe...as I don't think he's worth the money he's going to get. He's a nice player, but he has a pretty clear ceiling in IMO. I'd rather have Smiff/Drummond...than Monroe/Drummond. Like I said...he should have been traded, so him walking and us getting nothing is not cool.

We will never run out of food topics.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Looks like Drummond released some pics of the Disney chick in her bra and undies. He's denying it...but, good for him. She was acting like her shit don't stink and she's really a whore.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I just read all the (yeah) DEETS. So, apparently, Drummond gets hustled into a social media instigated relationship with this iCarly chick, and it all goes the way of the Pistons season. Then, she rolls on radio or tv or something, and throws plenty of shade his way, like he's bad in bed, kissing, balancing a checkbook (probably), etc. So he retaliates by leaking pics of her.

lol

Ide

Anonymous said...

I just got an email to congratulate Jeff on his new job. Which I promptly ignored until I saw who he worked for. I have PLENTY of stories about his boss.

Ask your boss about MJ, Jeff.

Ide

GMoney said...

I got that email, too. Figured I would congratulate him by carrying my flagpole extra high and hard tonight.

I'm sure that the folks at Disney are very pleased that one of their stars is fornicatin' with a 7 foot black man from Detroit. That's good for the old family-first image!

Prime99 said...

G$- you could grind tasters and break down the top types of mustard. Or energy drinks. Or top meals of Ted Nugent. Plenty of food topics.

GMoney said...

Stadium Mustard or GTFO.
Four Loko or GTFO.
Human Flesh or GTFO.