|Webcams. A fathers worst enemy.|
At Ribfest I told G$ that this blog was going to name his baby and, god dammit, I meant it. So this entire post is dedicated to that devil spawn currently residing inside She Money.
As a well respected sociologist and counselor of children with terrible names, I feel that I should drop some knowledge on how not to name your child. Now, most of the kids that I work with currently are black males, but bad names are bad names. Here are just a few of the gems that I get to call out everyday*; MelSharron, Ronnico, Cornelius, King, Billy Ray, Dearyon, and the list goes on and on. So G$, I've done some homework for you. The five trashiest names for white girls are; Amber, Heather, Kayla, Stephanie, and Alyssa. The five top "high-end" names for girls are; Alexandra, Lauren, Katherine, Madison, and Rachel. Just going through names of people I know those lists are full of SO much truth. Also, if a girl's name ends with an "A" she's a total whore. Layla, Kayla, Shawna, Mariana, Brianna, Ava, Emma...all sluts. And for fuck sake, don't name your daughter after a Game of Thrones character. Yes, that is a thing.
I tried to come up with some criteria that I needed to follow when considering these names:
- Not just some stripper name. It would be really easy to throw out some porn names and be done with it. For example, Kimmy Cum Dumpster, Gynger Lynn, Mandy McSquirts, or Bambi Blow would all be up for consideration. But lets have some respect.
- This is a sports blog, so there must be a sports connection.
- No Y's. G$ made it very clear that his child will not have a name with a moronically placed Y in it.
All porn star names. Especially those with Ginger in them because we must not forget about G$'s daywalker status.
5. Alexandra Danielle. I personally know one girl named Alex. She is a lesbian. On another level, G$'s favorite baseball player ever is Alex Rodriguez. G$'s favorite owner is Daniel Snyder. G$'s favorite porn star is Derec Alexander. Now that I re-evaluate this name it probably deserves to be higher than #5. This one really hits on all levels.
4. Donna Potapenko. Name one hot chick you have ever seen that was named Donna... EXACTLY! No guy wants a daughter who is stacked with T n A. Having the name Donna makes that a lock. Potapenko is an obvious nod to the Wright State great, Vitaly Potapenko, a first round draft pick of the Cavs and current assistant coach in Cleveland. Crazy middle names are all the rage now, or at least that's what Ide tells me. Also, her nickname could be DP.
3. Christine Georgetta. Who is G$'s favorite pro wrestler and ultimate guide to ELITE parenting? Chris Benoit, of course. I can totes see G$ hiding in the bushes on homecoming night waiting for Henry HardOn to come pick up his daughter, then jumping out and putting the kid in a brutal Crippler Crossface. And if George Foreman can name his 17 daughters ALL Georgetta Foreman, then I think G$ can give the middle name to his daughter to pay his respects to George Steinbrenner. Only seems right.
2. Travina Wallina. Now, I did a google search for the name Travina and there appears to be a couple actresses out there with this name, so it's legit. Might have a little latin flare, but from what I hear She Money is no stranger to going south of the border if you know what I mean. The ultimate ode to Miami greats, Travis Prentice and Wally Szczerbiak.
1. Sean Taylor. NAME YOUR FUCKING KID THIS! I am normally strongly against naming your girl any name even close to a dudes, but this just makes too much sense. Hell, you can even make it girly and black by adding an "A" on the end.
Please feel free to drop your own suggestions in the comments. Or any sort of knowledge that you have on classy vs slutty names. As far as I know none of the regular commenters have daughters, so there should be some interesting perspective here.
Now I'm going to go research how to guarantee I have a boy.
* I have changed names just in case somebody out there thinks I am actually using client names