Thursday, March 13, 2014

Baby, What's Your Name?

Webcams. A fathers worst enemy.


At Ribfest I told G$ that this blog was going to name his baby and, god dammit, I meant it. So this entire post is dedicated to that devil spawn currently residing inside She Money.

As a well respected sociologist and counselor of children with terrible names, I feel that I should drop some knowledge on how not to name your child. Now, most of the kids that I work with currently are black males, but bad names are bad names. Here are just a few of the gems that I get to call out everyday*; MelSharron, Ronnico, Cornelius, King, Billy Ray, Dearyon, and the list goes on and on. So G$, I've done some homework for you. The five trashiest names for white girls are; Amber, Heather, Kayla, Stephanie, and Alyssa. The five top "high-end" names for girls are; Alexandra, Lauren, Katherine, Madison, and Rachel. Just going through names of people I know those lists are full of SO much truth. Also, if a girl's name ends with an "A" she's a total whore. Layla, Kayla, Shawna, Mariana, Brianna, Ava, Emma...all sluts. And for fuck sake, don't name your daughter after a Game of Thrones character. Yes, that is a thing.

I tried to come up with some criteria that I needed to follow when considering these names:

  • Not just some stripper name. It would be really easy to throw out some porn names and be done with it. For example, Kimmy Cum Dumpster, Gynger Lynn, Mandy McSquirts, or Bambi Blow would all be up for consideration. But lets have some respect.
  • This is a sports blog, so there must be a sports connection.
  • No Y's. G$ made it very clear that his child will not have a name with a moronically placed Y in it.
So lets do this:

Honorable Mention:
All porn star names. Especially those with Ginger in them because we must not forget about G$'s daywalker status.

5. Alexandra Danielle. I personally know one girl named Alex. She is a lesbian. On another level, G$'s favorite baseball player ever is Alex Rodriguez. G$'s favorite owner is Daniel Snyder. G$'s favorite porn star is Derec Alexander. Now that I re-evaluate this name it probably deserves to be higher than #5. This one really hits on all levels.

4. Donna Potapenko. Name one hot chick you have ever seen that was named Donna... EXACTLY! No guy wants a daughter who is stacked with T n A. Having the name Donna makes that a lock. Potapenko is an obvious nod to the Wright State great, Vitaly Potapenko, a first round draft pick of the Cavs and current assistant coach in Cleveland. Crazy middle names are all the rage now, or at least that's what Ide tells me. Also, her nickname could be DP.

3. Christine Georgetta. Who is G$'s favorite pro wrestler and ultimate guide to ELITE parenting? Chris Benoit, of course. I can totes see G$ hiding in the bushes on homecoming night waiting for Henry HardOn to come pick up his daughter, then jumping out and putting the kid in a brutal Crippler Crossface. And if George Foreman can name his 17 daughters ALL Georgetta Foreman, then I think G$ can give the middle name to his daughter to pay his respects to George Steinbrenner. Only seems right.

2. Travina Wallina. Now, I did a google search for the name Travina and there appears to be a couple actresses out there with this name, so it's legit. Might have a little latin flare, but from what I hear She Money is no stranger to going south of the border if you know what I mean. The ultimate ode to Miami greats, Travis Prentice and Wally Szczerbiak.

1. Sean Taylor. NAME YOUR FUCKING KID THIS! I am normally strongly against naming your girl any name even close to a dudes, but this just makes too much sense. Hell, you can even make it girly and black by adding an "A" on the end.

Please feel free to drop your own suggestions in the comments. Or any sort of knowledge that you have on classy vs slutty names. As far as I know none of the regular commenters have daughters, so there should be some interesting perspective here.

Now I'm going to go research how to guarantee I have a boy.

* I have changed names just in case somebody out there thinks I am actually using client names

36 comments:

Grumpy said...

Bambi

Mr. Ace said...

SHOW SOME RESPECT!

GMoney said...

OMG Sean Taylor Money would be perfect AND she would be legally obligated to sleep with a machete under her bed!

This was shockingly better and way more informative than I would have imagined.

GMoney said...

I just can't get over how awful the naming of kids is getting. Obviously, black folks have been bad at this forever but now whitey is making a hard charge to be the worst race at naming.

Ape touched on it at the end but never EVER replace a vowel with a Y. It is MADISON. Not Madysyn. That doesn't make you look cute, stupid parents, it makes you look illiterate.

Still can't wait to hear when Dut has his butt baby that has the hilarious white trash name of "Skyler" or in his case SKYLYR!!! Happy early birthday, bro!

Jeff said...

Naming an unborn sucks. I'll be fine with something that is easily yellable. One syllable and I'll be OK with it. Make sure to think about what the initials will spell out also.

Nibbles said...

Go with something old fashioned.


Martha
Eleanor
Bertha
Agnes
Henrietta

Nobody will want to tap that.

GMoney said...

Nobody will want to tap that.

At the end of the day, that is the goal! Blanche Dorothy Estelle Rose Money it is!

Anonymous said...

Claire ( fat girls name)
Steffie (good enough for Swanson)
Greg (spell it right this time)
Caroline
Jeets
Mariano (feels unisex)
Santana Moss (yours FOREVER)

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Margerine could work as well.

I haven't watched It in awhile, but Freakonomics had a great segment on names and how they effect future employment opportunities. Black people are really destroying their kids chances of getting decent jobs. Naming your child Unyque does not put her on the fast track.

Mr. Ace said...

SROLES TO THE EAGLES MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Shady and Sproles on the field at the same time is gonna be sick.

GMoney said...

Dare you say...DREAM TEAM???

Slow (Seal) commenting day; might need to start up another hockey post to get the juices flowing again.

GMoney said...

Man, I would have loved to been in the Jets FO when they were convincing themselves that Upper Decker was an ELITE #1 receiver. I would have LOL'd for days. It's going to be hard to top that as the worst signing of this offseason.

Anonymous said...

I'm not proud of this...but, there are a few females named Drew. Given that, you should name your daughter after the current COY.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Name your girl Seal, because I'm sure she'll grow up to be a little bitch.

Anonymous said...

hahahahaha at the anonymous faggot that cant post his name. Im sure its one of you who post regularly, but are too big of a douche to own up to calling someone a name. LOLZ at people posting anon.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Don't give your daughter a black name like Jemima or Slava. It's bad enough that they get to vote and talk.

--Racist Gruden

Anonymous said...

Im still cracking up at the pussy who posted anonymous to take a personal stab at someone. LOLZ my guess is Dut because I think Drew would actually take credit for calling me a little bitch.

Seal

Mr. Ace said...

Anon trolls are one of my faves.

Drewseal Money would guarantee you the worst kid ever.

Anonymous said...

Yeah...Slow Seal...you never have to worry about anon posts from me.

I'm not sure who hates the Anon posts more...Randall or Slow. They both do hate them tho...and I do get a chuckle out of that.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I will definitely I am the easiest to troll with an anon post - holy shit I hate them.

Seal

Anonymous said...

**admit^

Seal

Anonymous said...

I don't know man...Randall has had a few meltdowns over here about anon posts before....especially on days he writes.

--Drew

Jeff said...

We all know Randall trolls himself as anon on days he writes to increase site traffic.

Randall Stevens said...

I'm through letting anon posts bother me. I don't have time for nutless turds.

I only have one suggestion. Rebecca Lobo Money. G$'s favorite WNBA player of all time and a name that screams amazon lesbian. High on the "wouldn't tap that" list.

Prime99 said...

Sean is a great girl name in honor of Sean Young AKA Ray Finkle.

GMoney said...

Have you seen Sean Young recently? Yeeeeeeesh. She wasn't all that great as Lois Einhorn anyway though.

Randy Steve, where are you this week anyway? You never did say. I'm just asking because I need to know where to overnight this big box of feces.

If this site were the Declaration of Independence, Seal and Randall would sign their names the biggest and most legible. They believe in commenting accountability. You've got to respect that.

Prime99 said...

Precious Ginger Money would also be solid. Like a brick wall.

GMoney said...

Precious? Christ, having a Gollum-looking spawn is a terrifying thought.

Randall Stevens said...

I'm in a far away place that doesn't get cold. That should cover it.

Give me blogging accountability or give me death!!

Anonymous said...

Delontay West Money. Notice the first name spelling to make it feminine.

Seal

Prime99 said...

I was thinking Precious like the fat black girl, but Gollum works too.

Anonymous said...

Randall trolls himself by showing what a "journalist" college degree gets you.... Piss poor workmanship on a blog every Tuesday.

Anon troll

Anonymous said...

*Randall trolls himself
*by showing what a "journalist" college degree gets you....
*Piss poor workmanship on a blog *every Tuesday.

Fixed it for you. I hope that he is on vacation in Hell.

--Your Biggest Stan

GMoney said...

Speaking of goddamn kids, Arty Anus is likely out for the CBJ tonight because his wife is giving BIRF. You enter this world on an off day, ya little shit!

Anonymous said...

You sure as fuck font take the game off if its a home game against the Sharks. Birthing days always lead to career games. FACT.

Jimmy Dix can attest. ELITE REFERENCE

Ide

GMoney said...

Arty had a baby girl. Winners produce females apparently.