Friday, March 07, 2014

An Update On G$'s Forthcoming Fatherhood

Well, She$ and I took the day off yesterday to have a painter give us an estimate to re-paint the inside of our house, tour daycare facilities that may not have room for us anyway, and find out the sex of our baby.  It was a real Old School "maybe go to Home Depot if there's time" kind of day.  Oh, yeah, who's ready to find out what my future kid is?

*First of all, this was a really nerve-wrecking experience for me.  I wasn't all that nervous going in, but once we sat in the room, my paranoia set in and I figured that the OB-gyn would say "yeah, this baby is fucked and it's ALL your fault for being a cocksucker, pops".  That's my kind of doctor.  At least he's a straight shooter.

*So while waiting for the doc to come in, I'm just randomly looking around.  I am checking out this air vent on the ceiling when I notice something familiar and fascist.  Yes, there was some sort of stain on the vent grate that looked exactly like a swastika.  Swear to God.  I tried to take a picture of it but it doesn't show up very well.  Just know that my wife picked a Nazi to deliver our baby.  He is using subliminal air propaganda to get all of these newborns goose-stepping out of the uterus.  I'm on to this guy.  He is creating an army.

*He came in to start the exam.  He looks like he could be Parker Bohn III's brother.  I respect this man very much even if he is conducting medical experiments for Der Fuhrer.

*His name is Dr. Trout.  I like that.  It tells me that he is a real 5 tool doctor who is ELITE at everything. In a few years, he is going to be a 400 million dollar OB-gyn.  I'm telling you, Mike Trout can do it all.

*The last thing that the doc did was look at the genitals.  Look, bro, we're first timers here.  I don't particularly care all that much about where the hands, feet, and kidneys are.  Does everything look healthy?  GREAT, now make with the gender.  Also, an ultrasound is impossible to read.  He kept pointing out body parts and I was thinking "how the fuck do you see that?"

*With all that said, no dong was found so unless something is waiting to drop, the Moneys are having a baby girl (Daenerys Estelle Costanza Money fingers crossed) at the end of July.  If you loaded me up with truth serum, I probably would have preferred a boy simply because it is what I'm most familiar with OBVZ but in no way am I disappointed.  I probably would have had a Carl Grimes anyway.  There are still a ton of reasons why having a girl is better.  I can claim ignorance on almost all girl things and thus the wife can handle most of the heavy parenting.  Girls are the smarter sex.  I'm probably TOO ELITE to have my own clone.  The world is better off with a copy of She$ than a copy of G$ no offense to myself.

*And even though it's cliche, the important thing is that everything seems to be going well and that is all that matters.  So any of you with girls, yeah, I'm going to need some advice (looking at you, Wig Master and OH Nate).  Learning how to brush hair or saying the word "panties" doesn't seem like a lot of fun to me.  And possibly going to a lot of girl's sporting events especially doesn't sound like a HOOT to this guy.
First, we eat the pig and then WE BURN!
Now that that is out of the way, we'll see you all at RibFest tomorrow.  The place is Barley's Smokehouse in Grandview (US 33 and Grandview Rd).  Cocktail hour in which I tell a lot of dirty jokes starts at 5 (I will be there earlier).  Dinner is at 6.  It sounds like Ide owes everyone a rack of ribs so that should be fun.  After dinner, who the hell knows but the CBJ play so we're going to need to get somewhere before the puck drops.

The father of a girl...this seems like it won't end well.  While the thought of worrying every day for the rest of my life about creeps like you is unsettling, it will be all worth it when I get to yell on a daily basis:

COMEERGRRRRRRRL!!!

38 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

You're gonna be the best softball dad ever.

GMoney said...

I'll need my BatDad costume first. Kick Randy Marsh's ass, bruh!

Cakes said...

Congrats, G$. Glad that everything is going well. That's all you're getting out of me. It's all Yankee and RGIII truckstop jokes from here on out.

GMoney said...

And I swear to Christ that there was a swastika on that doctor's office air vent. Parker Bohn III has a lot of explaining to do.

Anonymous said...

Congrats buddy - we have that same appointment on the 18th.

Have fun at ribs tomorrow, gents.

Seal

MuDawgfan said...

Congrats to you and She$


Knowing what you know now - no chance you let her go greek at MU, right?.

Nibbles said...

Jokes about women being cum dumpsters and whores become a little less funny, but outside of that nothing much changes.

Nibbles said...

A small part of me hopes Ide has a daughter someday that ends up marrying a negro.

For all the jokes about how Ide likes to get railed by black men, having his daughter step in his place would be the next best thing.

GMoney said...

Yeah, Nibbles, I'm starting to realize that. My evening porn binge was a little more downtrodden yesterday.

Prime99 said...

Congrats, G$! I agree with you about the truth serum but not being disappointed attitude. Health really is the only thing that matters, and the child doesn't stop scaring the shit out of you after they are born.

Mrs. Prime and I went to an elective ultrasound and found out the sex earlier than our hospital visit. Thank Christ because our hospital ultrasound doctor (different than the assigned OBGYN) was silent for 30 min while she looked at stuff. Bitch, give us the goddamn play by play like you're John Madden! It was uncomfortable, worrisome, and we actually complained. It ended up getting her in some decent trouble. It sounds like she's doing a better job as our friends just had her do an ultrasound and they said she was friendly and talkative.

With that out of the way: CARRY THE FLAG YOU GUYS! Quite a beat down, indeed. That was a good reminder that the BJ's may be improved, but not ELITE.

Jeff said...

Congrats! Having a girl definitely means you a have an excuse to pretty much pass everything over to your wife and the child's aunts.

Jackets. Woof.

Mr. Ace said...

Ide's daughter will go to Howard.

Cakes said...

It kind of sounds like Prime is an ultrasound NARC. Better be careful because that bitch has access to your charts and if Seinfeld has taught me anything, you don't want bad notes on your chart.

Prime99 said...

Cakes, when concerned about the health of your unborn child, sitting in silence for 30-45 min before the doctor says, everything look good, is not a happy experience. Trust me on this. Mrs. Prime first talked to her normal OBGYN and that doctor informed her that other people had complaints as well. As mentioned, it sounds like this dumb doctor is doing a better job so she needed a kick in vag.

Cakes said...

No, no, I get it. It just wanted to incorporate Seinfeld in any way possible. That woman definitely needed NARC'd on. I'm surprised you had the self-control not to blow up at her right then and there.

Randall Stevens said...

I'll be the asshole to admit it. Having a girl is my nightmare. I don't want to spend my life chopping off 16 year old cocks with hedge trimmers. Horny boys are relentless and keeping their dirty dicks out of my daughter's vag would be a full time job. Having said that I'm sure I'm getting 4 girls that look exactly like my wife.

Anonymous said...

I was once told that if you have a boy...you only have to worry about one penis. If you have a girl...you have to worry about all of the penises. Have fun with that!

Ide's daughter will be doing BBC scenes for Evil Angel on her 18th birfday.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

#idesdaughter Will be the biggest Train fan (the band and the sex with black dudes.)

Anonymous said...

What's this business about me having a girl? Don't hop on that bandwagon because I TOTES predicted baby G$. Man, that's some solid soothsaying on my part. (Ides of March humor)

My brother has 10 and 7 year old girls. The oldest one does nothing but play Skyrim and read about dragons. I gotta say, that is a home run for a father right there. Raise them nerdy and antisocial. NO BLACK DICKS THERE.

ide

GMoney said...

I can't believe that I'm saying this but Cakes is killing it this morning! You definitely don't want a bad chart!

Prime, if Adolph Trout gave us the silent treatment, I would have shit a brick. And then killed him.

If you're worried about fucking well over a decade from now then you need to re-evaluate your priorities. Plus, I might get to be one of those intimidating fuckers that sits on the porch waiting for her date to end while stroking the gun that Grump leaves me in his will. That has always been a dream of mine: to threaten murder on a teenage boy.

GMoney said...

Ide, my 4 year old niece predicted girl as well and already named her to boot. She didn't pick Arya so she lost. Guarantee that my stupid wife will want to name her something awful that features at least 400 y's in the name like horrible parents these days.

Prime99 said...

Ide, you also "predicted" that I was having a girl. Essentially, you troll everyone and say they are having a girl, and you're right about 50% of the time. Amazing!

Anonymous said...

That's when I thought you were the father and not Demarcus. Evidence tampering!

Ide

Grumpy said...

Man, sleep in one day and you miss all the big news.

Congrats on the little girl; you will be shopping for prom dresses.

RibFest update: Ace is looking for a way out; even money on Ide showing up to cover his bets; Seal doesn't have the balls to call me the WORST to my face. Until tomorrow...

Mr. Ace said...

I sharted in my boxers this morning and had poo running down my leg. Now I can't fart without being over a toilet just to be safe. But I will still be at Ribfest.

Cakes said...

Dibs on sitting next to Mr. Ace!

GMoney said...

Ape shit his pants. Sounds like RibFest is turning into a diaper party!

Jackets = bad last night but no damage was done in the playoff chase. Every once in awhile this happens because stupid fucking Todd Richards likes to run our ELITE goalie into the ground. Dude bro, you can't play BOB every game.

Randall Stevens said...

That's just your body doing a complete cleanse in preparation of RibFest, Ace. It's perfectly normal.

If I have daughters I'm raising them to be lesbians.

GMoney said...

RS, when you think about it, you are going to be constantly worrying about everything anyway (unless you are a deadbeat). Boys are just one of many challenges. The weird guy with the big van down the block is much scarier than Little Johnny Rocket Boner probably.

Mud Butt > diarrhea

Randall Stevens said...

True, but boys can't get pregnant. Unless you're Ide.

Anonymous said...

It should be noted that G$ had creepy vans in his neighborhood. Move out of Grove City, brah.

Ide

GMoney said...

We can't all be hipsters in Brooklyn, ya monocle-wearing faggot. I've inspected the rigs in my 'hood. No creepers yet. YET.

Cakes said...

I would think threatening teenage boys on your porch is a perk of having a guuurrrrrl. Sounds like a blast. Sometimes I do it even though I don't have a daughter just to feel ALIVE!

What time are you planning on getting to Barley's for the pre-cocktail party, G$? I'm planning on having a massive hangover to work on tomorrow afternoon.

GMoney said...

It's not like I'll be posting up at the bar when the doors open. I do plan on getting their first though so like annoying internet commenters, I can yell FIRST!

Anonymous said...

"I would think threatening teenage boys on your porch is a perk of having a guuurrrrrl. Sounds like a blast. Sometimes I do it even though I don't have a daughter just to feel ALIVE!"

That made me chuckle.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Glad to see that I'm not the only one that is enjoying the comedy of Cakes today.

GMoney said...

Not sure "if this is it" (Huey Lewis & The News reference!) for commenting today but I'll see many of you titans tomorrow.

Look for the guy at the bar that mosts looks like a future shitty father. That would be Ide and I'll be near him calling him a homo.

Prime99 said...

COMEEEEEEEERGGGURRRLLLLLLL!