Wednesday, March 26, 2014

An Unfriendly Game of Mike Golic's Punchout

Formal Jammed!
Last week, some website or major Twitter player or whatever posed the question to the world: if you could get away with one crime, what would it be? Now this is OBVZ an awful question to ask people on the internet because I guarantee that they got 100 times more “assassinate the president” than something innocent such as “steal all the Hershey chocolate”. I’m pretty sure that my own personal response would be “do awful and likely illegal things to Jennifer Lawrence”. But we’ll play along with that line of thinking here today.

The theme for today’s post is “If you could sucker punch one sports media member with absolutely zero consequences outside of sore knuckles, who’s it going to be and why?” I was thinking about this all weekend actually once I realized how much I wanted to suffocate Reggie Miller (Cheryl Miller’s brother). Here is my ELITE top ten list:

10. Jonathon “T-Bone” Smith – They don’t make takes any colder than this guys. When you make The Torg look like—I don’t know—Vin Scully, you are really bad at your job. If you don’t live in central Ohio, you have no idea how lucky you are.
9. Phil Simms – Barely speaks English and gets worse every year…has stupid hair to boot
8. Bill Simmons – Mr. Know-It-All could afford to be knocked down a peg or 12. His columns have been absolutely horrible over the past 5 years.
7. Cris Carter – Spit out some teeth, bruh, and stop laughing at your “jokes”.
6. Jim Gray – Man, how funny would it be to punch this guy? He’s as small as a toddler! I GUARANSHEED that he would cry.

5. Doug Gottleib – Remember Aaron Craft’s hilarious three point attempt that clinched the loss to Michigan? Gottleib blamed it on the tackiness of the ball. I just really hate his voice and he probably has stolen all of our credit card numbers at some point.
4. Skip Bayless – He would probably be higher if I actually watched First Take (you might know it as the show that ripped off Worst Cake). I don’t know though because I have integrity and I wouldn’t want to make Timmy Tenor mad at me.
3. Colin Cowherd – Punching Colin would be as TRANSCENDENT as it gets.
2. Bill Plaschke – Every time that he is on Around The Horn, I can’t help but ask myself “does anyone like this guy”? He makes ridiculous Bayless-esque opinions and shits on everything else with an LA bias even though he is born and raised in Kentucky. Nothing about him makes any sense and his lisp says “bring all the dicks to me!” I hate Bill Plaschke but not as much as…
What a faggot.

1. Sal Paolantonio – I’ve eluded to this many times before here but I want to watch Sal Pal die. Everything about this smug asshole is the worst. He is a reporter but constantly talks like an analyst (which would be like Tim May breaking down x’s and o’s after attending a press conference). That sort of thing really bothers me. He’s always referencing the headlines from the local newspapers because of course he still caresses the balls of a dead media outlet. And this year he started wearing sunglasses during live shots of him covering games. Have you ever seen a reporter wearing sunglasses on camera? No, you have not because there is only one douche bag that stands out among all of the douche bags and that is Mr. Philadelphia himself. I hope he gets a more aggressive strain of Andrew Beckett AIDS and then I could bash him in the jaw with a brick.

You’re probably wondering where guys like Dick Vitale or Mark May are. Not even close. Dickie V’s schtick is played out but I’m not going to rag on the guy for loving what he does. I don’t even think that he is that big of a Duke homer. The guy loves EVERY team! He hardly ever says anything bad about anyone! And Mark May was a goddamn Redskin and won Super Bowls so he is a saint. So there you go: you are allowed to punch one member of the sports media in the face today. Choose wisely.

And I am considering myself an option for this but you would be wise not to pick me. Unless you like going to the ER, I suppose. Wait a minute, it appears that I may have forgotten to include Tom Hamilton AKA the worst radio announcer of all time. I brought great shame to myself today for that omission.

35 comments:

Grumpy said...

Why don't you try "eluding" my punch?

I would punch Jim Rome. I still hope Jim Everett takes him out.

Maria Tiberi said...

I would punch my father for letting me text and drive.

Randall Stevens said...

I bet Grumpy fights like those guys from the 20's that tell you to "put up your dukes" while always being in the ready punch position with fists pointing inwards like the Notre Dame mascot.

This is easy. Both of those queers McCleod and Carr are getting knocked out. Those two make Cavs games unwatchable. Jim Lachey is getting cold cocked as well. Homerism doesn't get any worse than Lachey. He makes Cakes sound reasonable when giving assessments of the Ohio Buckeyes. I'm also decking Paul Keels for good measure. Just so I can watch Damman cry real tears.

Jeff said...

Flag: Carried

GMoney said...

These are some excellent suggestions, bros. I still think that nothing would be funnier than to watch Jim Gray get knocked out. It would be the best "Decision" of that assaulter's life.

Flag carried indeed. I was happy to see the Red Wings punished for pushing the net off its moorings. Reilly Smith's brother got what he deserved...some CAMSANITY!!! LOL at not being able to score on C-Mac!

GMoney said...

Austin Carr would end you. He would throw the hamma down on your ugly mug. Best color commentator in the biz!

Mr. Ace said...

That is a total Ide comment by Maria Tiberi RIP.

Cris Carter is much higher for me. Can't stand that fuck. Robert Smiff and Mark Schlereth would also be on my list. I would take great pleasure in punching "Stink" right in the middle of his yo yo yoing.

T Bone is still the worst...especially with the fucking Crew playing now. Along those lines, did anybody hear Mayor Coleman on with them yesterday. Im sure he is a schmuck because all elected politicians are (especially Lil Strut) but he was GREAT on the radio yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Bullet-point style...

*Disappointing loss by the Wings...especially when Nyquist is playing like the best forward in the NHL. Need to bounce back with a win OBVZ.

*Randall...did you not like McLeod when he was with the Pistons?

*Damman loves Paul Keels? Keels is fucking awful and it's embarrassing that he's "the voice of the Buckeyes". I can't wait until the first or second game next year when a #5 on special teams makes a tackle and he announces that Braxton Miller made the tackle on the kickoff. He fucking sucks.

*Bruce Hooley is my #1...I wouldn't just punch him...I'd use a snipe on him. Mark May would be my # 2. Nobody else bugs me too much, but Gottlieb is a piece of shit and it bothers me that he has an awesome job.

--Drew

Jeff said...

Tim McCarver and Billy Packer. Thank god they are both gone now.

No, Tim, the rules of baseball aren't so complicated that we need them re explained to us every time a new batter steps up.

Nobody could kill the atmosphere of a great tourney game like Billy. Pretty sure he would've outlawed "showing emotion" and any form of a dunk if he could have.

GMoney said...

Billy Packer probably LOVES the new NFL no dunking rule.

Yes, that Maria Tiberi comment from the great beyond was a tad morbid.

My favorite part about T-Bone and the Crew is that they have the worst local TV contract ever and no one can watch them play in central Ohio. That is LULZ. Fuck soccer and fuck T-Bone.

Best forward in the NHL is OBVZ Ryan Johansen. He's so good that he even scored for you last night. HAT TRICK SON!

My favorite part about Gottleib on Twitter is that he can make a good point about something and someone will ALWAYS mention how he stole his roommate's credit card in college. Never forget!

GMoney said...

FWIW IMO the Red Wings played better than we did but we are 6-1-1 against them the last two years so OBVZ we are better in general.

Anonymous said...

How can you hate Paul keels? I know a lot of opposing fans that like to listen to him. Who cares if he blows some loser's name every once in a while. I saw him partying on bourbon st, AND he offered to pay Nate b in football tickets in exchange for doing his taxes. Stand up guy right there.

The windian tv guys are by far the worst in sports. All they do is bitch and the umpires are out to get them every single game according to them.

I also hate tom Hamilton. Not because I think he sucks, but because windian fans put him on a hall of fame pedestal. I don't need someone screaming into the mic for a weak ground ball to 3rd. I guess when you call games for a shitty team that long you have to start over calling everything.

Dut

Prime99 said...

No Smug Joe Buck?! That dude's face needs to be punched!

Hawk Harrelson would be a good choice as well. Put THAT on the board... YES!

GMoney said...

Dut, I agree on Keels. He seems like a good dude and likes to get crunk on road trips. Drew is a doucher.

Matt Underwood is the goddamn worst but I love Rick Manning. I have made this point before. Underwood cries about everything which is ironic since the little boys that he sodomizes are usually the ones doing the most crying.

Tom Hamilton is to Indians fans as Aaron Craft is to Fuckeye fans. FACT.

I don't mind Joe Buck as much anymore. Not sure why...could be the everyone else is lowering the bar while he stays the same emotionless butt munch.

Dut, when are you going to send out the master key that you promised to do on SATURDAY? Asking for a friend. Friend asked me to remind you that YOU ARE THE WORST.

MLB Preview is either coming Friday or Monday so there is something to look forward to!

Anonymous said...

How can you hate Paul Keels? He fucking sucks. How can you not care if he thinks Braxton is out there making tackles or Carlos Hyde is intercepting passes? That's awful and he also shows no emotion during OSU Football games....a little during basketball. You're a college football announcer...you are supposed to be pretty fucking excited when things go well for the team that hired you to announce for them. He sucks.

--Drew

Jeff said...

Drew wants Big Daddy to be Tom Hamilton. LOLZZZZZZ

The fuck are you doing listening to Buckeye football on the radio anyways?

Anonymous said...

1a - Dick Vitale
1b - Doug Gotlieb
1c - Austin Carr
1d - Jamele Hill - this bitch is the fucking worst
1e - Skip Bayless

They are all number one because I would equally like to do more than just punch each one. God I get angry just thinking about these assholes.

Seal

GMoney said...

Angry Seal is an ELITE Seal but he's always angry and never ELITE so whatever.

Well done analogy, Jeff. Drew loves Tom Hamilton!

Anonymous said...

Jeff...are you saying that there is nothing in between borderline emotionless announcing and Tom Hamilton? Because, if so...you are of the retard. I'm not saying that I want Tom Hamilton...I do think "the voice of the Buckeyes" should act like he's excited to be that role though.

You are correct in that it's rare that I would be listening on teh radio...but, the Buckeye Sunday morning recap shows after the games all use radio announcing to go with the highlights. He sounds as excited as Ape would be to announce a Buckeye TD.

--Drew

GMoney said...

LOL right...you're one of those studs that goes to the games and wears gigantic headphones. YOU BEEN OUTED!

Anonymous said...

LOLZ....Like I wouldn't lose a pair of headphones hours before walking into a game. You know better than that.

--Drew

Cakes said...

Pat Forde. not even close. the time he was at campus quarters without me knowing still haunts me to this day.

Anonymous said...

Good take by Cakes. Pat Forde is definitely a good answer...smug as fuck.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I like Pat Forde.

Seal is TOTES right with Jamele Hill. Fuck her.

I'll cast a vote for Rick Reilly as well. What an asshole.

That Tiberius thing was all the LULZ, but alas, like Shaggy, it wasn't me.

Ide

Jeff said...

To be fair to Big Daddy, Braxton did record 1 tackle in the 2011 season. Yes, I looked it up. FACTS!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I forgot one... I despise Johnny Miller. Dude talks like he was the best golfer ever. Cannot stand that fucker.

Seal

GMoney said...

Oh man...Rick Reilly would be one sweet knockout punch. As would Gregg Doyel and Gregg Easterbrook. Too many G's IMO.

Anonymous said...

Anyone from first take and how has no one said Dilfer?

Larry

Prime99 said...

Those "Gregg's" don't even spell there name write. Assholes IMO. No offence.

GMoney said...

Who is taking offense to that?

I really would like to not meet the people who watch First Take every day. They should find these mongoloids, load them up in a space shuttle, and then shoot them into the sun like they did on The Simpsons.

GMoney said...

Wait a minute--TODAY IS GRUMP'S 400th BIRTHDAY!!! Let's all virtually punch him in the face and nuts!

Anonymous said...

Is Jay Mariotti on the table? I feel like he should be top choice!

Ide

Cakes said...

Nice! Work computer has finally allowed me back on TMS. It's been a tough 2.5 days trying to comment on my phone.

Happy 400th, Grump!

As long as we're adding women to this list, I want to add Sage steele. GTFO of here with that name.


Anonymous said...

Happy 400th Grump!

--Drew

GMoney said...

We're punching broads now? Hey Shelley Smith...COMEERGRRRRRRRLLLL!!!