The theme for today’s post is “If you could sucker punch one sports media member with absolutely zero consequences outside of sore knuckles, who’s it going to be and why?” I was thinking about this all weekend actually once I realized how much I wanted to suffocate Reggie Miller (Cheryl Miller’s brother). Here is my ELITE top ten list:
10. Jonathon “T-Bone” Smith – They don’t make takes any colder than this guys. When you make The Torg look like—I don’t know—Vin Scully, you are really bad at your job. If you don’t live in central Ohio, you have no idea how lucky you are.
9. Phil Simms – Barely speaks English and gets worse every year…has stupid hair to boot
8. Bill Simmons – Mr. Know-It-All could afford to be knocked down a peg or 12. His columns have been absolutely horrible over the past 5 years.
7. Cris Carter – Spit out some teeth, bruh, and stop laughing at your “jokes”.
6. Jim Gray – Man, how funny would it be to punch this guy? He’s as small as a toddler! I GUARANSHEED that he would cry.
5. Doug Gottleib – Remember Aaron Craft’s hilarious three point attempt that clinched the loss to Michigan? Gottleib blamed it on the tackiness of the ball. I just really hate his voice and he probably has stolen all of our credit card numbers at some point.
4. Skip Bayless – He would probably be higher if I actually watched First Take (you might know it as the show that ripped off Worst Cake). I don’t know though because I have integrity and I wouldn’t want to make Timmy Tenor mad at me.
3. Colin Cowherd – Punching Colin would be as TRANSCENDENT as it gets.
2. Bill Plaschke – Every time that he is on Around The Horn, I can’t help but ask myself “does anyone like this guy”? He makes ridiculous Bayless-esque opinions and shits on everything else with an LA bias even though he is born and raised in Kentucky. Nothing about him makes any sense and his lisp says “bring all the dicks to me!” I hate Bill Plaschke but not as much as…
|What a faggot.|
1. Sal Paolantonio – I’ve eluded to this many times before here but I want to watch Sal Pal die. Everything about this smug asshole is the worst. He is a reporter but constantly talks like an analyst (which would be like Tim May breaking down x’s and o’s after attending a press conference). That sort of thing really bothers me. He’s always referencing the headlines from the local newspapers because of course he still caresses the balls of a dead media outlet. And this year he started wearing sunglasses during live shots of him covering games. Have you ever seen a reporter wearing sunglasses on camera? No, you have not because there is only one douche bag that stands out among all of the douche bags and that is Mr. Philadelphia himself. I hope he gets a more aggressive strain of Andrew Beckett AIDS and then I could bash him in the jaw with a brick.
You’re probably wondering where guys like Dick Vitale or Mark May are. Not even close. Dickie V’s schtick is played out but I’m not going to rag on the guy for loving what he does. I don’t even think that he is that big of a Duke homer. The guy loves EVERY team! He hardly ever says anything bad about anyone! And Mark May was a goddamn Redskin and won Super Bowls so he is a saint. So there you go: you are allowed to punch one member of the sports media in the face today. Choose wisely.
And I am considering myself an option for this but you would be wise not to pick me. Unless you like going to the ER, I suppose. Wait a minute, it appears that I may have forgotten to include Tom Hamilton AKA the worst radio announcer of all time. I brought great shame to myself today for that omission.