Tuesday, March 25, 2014

8-Bit Tuesday

Pretty sure this game was a Japanese release only

Well, shit.  I literally have nothing to write about today.  Since we've corpse raped the NCAA tournament over the last few days and NFL free agency has died down (besides Sanchize and his butt fumble heading to the Iggles. LOLOLOL!!), I'm just pissing in the wind here.  Hell, let's do a video game post.  Here are the top 5 best video game systems of all time.  List format, of course.

5.  Playstation 2 - I was never a Sony guy and I'll be honest as to why.  Playing games that require the use of both joysticks simultaneously was a mind fuck that I was never able to completely conquer.  I just couldn't do it and still can't.  YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?!  The reason this system breaks the top 5 is because it gave us ground breaking games like Grand Theft Auto III.  GTAIII offered timeless lessons like: Crime is fun and if you're ever seriously injured all you have to do is cream pie a hooker's snizz to recover.

Notable Titles: GTAIII, NHL Hitz, Guitar Hero 2, God of War, Max Payne

4.  Nintendo Entertainment System - The closest thing in my life that I could compare to a full blown crack addiction.  This system changed my life forever.  I remember playing this system with friends on weekends until the God damn sun would come up.  No shit, the NES is about 90% responsible for the superb grade cards I would bring home.  Because I knew that if my grades slipped the NES being taken away was the punishment.  And my parents were fucking ruthless with it, too.  Once, we had a 2 week NES ban at the Randall Stevens household.  My parents would leave the system and the games out and take the paddles with them to work.  Fucking monsters.

Notable Titles: Contra, Metroid, The Legend of Zelda, Mario Series, Metal Gear

3.  Xbox 360 - This system clocks in at the 3 slot because it made getting your ass kicked online by a nine year old a reality.  Even though it sounds like the Sega Dreamcast was the first system with online playing capability, Microsoft made it popular.  Ever want an ego check?  Play any game you think you're sweet at online.  It's a pretty swift lesson in humility.  I had a roommate once who was a big time gamer.  Had a pair of those ridiculous fucking head sets and all.  There were nights I would sit there and get shit faced while watching him get straight owned by a kid still at least six years away from seeing his first naked tit.  You haven't lived until you hear a grown man call a 4th grader a cunt faced dick lover.

Notable Titles: Halo, Gears of War, Assassin's Creed, Any NCAA football title, Any Madden title

2.  Sega Genesis - Genesis is number 2 because at the time, 16 bit graphics compared to 8 bit graphics was the same as the difference between soft core Cinemax porn and full blow penetration porn.  I remember begging my parents for a Genesis and making a shit load of empty promises if they bought me one.  Crap like...I would do the dishes every day until my 18th birthday or rake leaves until my palms bled.  None of that happened, OBVZ.  I'm pretty sure I cried real tears when I opened my new Genesis that next Christmas morning.

Notable Titles: Sonic, Bill Walsh College Football, ToeJam and Earl, Mortal Kombat, NBA Jam

1.  Nintendo 64 - I don't think a system will ever outperform what the Nintendo 64 was/is.  The original Playstation came out 2 years before the N64 but Nintendo had the superior product, in all honesty.  The games were just better.  Nintendo used different technology available to make games with smoother game play and better graphics than any other gaming system available at the time.  The games hold up today and I still pick up the sticks at least once a week.

Notable Titles: Mario Kart, Goldeneye, Conker's Bad Fur Day, NFL Blitz, Ocarina of Time

As you can see, this list is ELITE and complete.  Some honorable mentions that didn't quite make the cut were TurboGrafx-16, GameBoy, Super Nintendo, Sega DreamCast.  Good systems, just not good enough for my top 5.  I know all of you fuckin nerds have been gamers at some point so sound off on your favorite systems/most memorable gaming moments.  Don't forget to LOL at Ace for the inevitable Sanchize signing!  I just hope none of you still play online.  That's a little weird for your age.


GMoney said...

Don't worry, Shaka's bitch, I unfucked your fuck up. You need to work on your "scheduled post time discipline and integrity".

GMoney said...

My parents would leave the system and the games out and take the paddles with them to work.

That is some ELITE level trolling right there. Respect Ma and Pa Stevens for showing INTENSITY. I give them unlimited historical gold stars.

Hoover had a TurboGrafx16...I still have no idea what that was.

I was never a big gamer. More of a real lifer. By that I mean that I would drink beer in college while watching my roommates play Playstation. It was a great decision.

LOL Sanchez. I'm sure that Philly fans will just fall in love with him.

Grumpy said...

Proving what we all knew. Randall Stevens is a fuck up. Post early or go home.

Nintendo 64. I spent every minute of leisure time practicing Super Mario Bros. until I could go from start to rescuing the Princess in 13 minutes.

Jeff said...

Tecmo Super Bowl for NES and Call of Duty series for Xbox 360.

I'll be CARRYING THE FLAG tonignt, brahs! Fuck the wings!

Fucking Rangers take out the Yotes goalie and comeback to win in OT. I totes want an opening round series against them.

GMoney said...

So the season is on your shoulders, Jeff, do not drop the flag/soap. I've accepted that Philly and New York will never go pointless again so I just want in. Plus, it would probably end Detroit's playoff streak and that would be the tops.

Prime99 said...

Super Nintendo is my favorite system of all time. Like Randall, I think I cried real tears when I received the SNES for Christmas. It was a joyous occasion!

Anyone play Baseball Stars for NES? That game was the first game I can remember where you could earn money, upgrade stats, and the game would save your progress. Comparing the NES to a crack addiction is highly accurate.

Mr. Ace said...

You pretty much stated you were a mental defective in the PS2 ranking. Playstation> XBox all day.

Sega ruled.

GMoney said...

Baseball Stars is the most underrated game in sports game history. WAY ahead of its time.

Anonymous said...

Due to a scheduling conflict with my parents, we got SNES for XMAS on Thanksgiving (when it was released), due to the likelihood of it selling out. SNES was the GOAT.

Countless hours were spent on my N64.

I was an Xbox man personally. I'll happily spend my money to Microsoft when I know their online network is solid as a rock, and my shit won't get hacked like PSN did last year.

Getting raped by a 4th grader is a harrowing experience. But conquering those little twats is even more amazing. Also, the IMMENSE racism over chat on Call of Duty is fucking cherry. There is nothing I love more than listening to an 8 year old dress down another player for being black. Just great.

XBox One is pretty neat too, but I only have like 3 games for it, it's mostly to stream Netflix and HBOGo, at this point.


Anonymous said...

Nintendo gaming systems all the way... NES and N64 being the best.

Mario for N64 needed to be on the gaming list - maybe the best Mario ever made.

Ocarina of time is the obvious reason I wasnt good enough to walk on to the UK hoops team.

007 is the best game of all time, Mario Cart 64 is a close second.


Prime99 said...

It always comes back to Mario Jars, doesn't it?

Randall Stevens said...

Listen, dick wart. I'm still on vacation hours. Plus that was a test to make sure you were paying attention. Good job. You passed.

Anonymous said...


Mario kart and party are the best game regardless of what Nintendo system they are on. Also nothing is better than beer kart on the N64

I went to the 16 bit bar last weekend and the place is simply amazing. I could spend an entire week there. NBA Jam is the best game in the bar.


Randall Stevens said...

I was a fan of baseball simulator. Any game that lets you blow up a person with a fastball is tops for me.

I think we can all agree there is and was no better game than Goldeneye. If you say otherwise you're a lying sack of monkey shit.

Mario Jars for 64 is the best Jars as well.

Cakes said...

Day 2 of "sex" watch. my computer still hates TMS this morning. if this is some secret plan to get me to stop commenting, well played. its taken my fat fingers almost five minutes to write this much on my phone.

N64 was king in high school. then, as i matured, play station has taken over since then. xbox sucks a fat one. their controllers are awful.

why is it taking so long for the release of this years "the show"? Havent they always released a month before the season? I couldve won a title with the tribe by now.

GMoney said...

Well, yeah, of course I'm paying attention. When I show up to internet work and my subordinate is being insubordinate, I'm going to notice that and throw dildos at you.

Who else is still waiting on The Nut Pool Master Key that we were promised on Saturday? LOL at least you're better and more reliable than Dut, Rando!

Grumpy said...

My bad, it was the Nintendo NES with Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt.

A friend's 7 yr. old was schooling me on Mario Bros. so I bought a system of my own and practiced during all waking hours. I then challenged him with the only stipulation being that I could use my own controller. I won the flip and went first, played straight through without dying, unplugged my controller and walked out without a word. Beating a 7 yr. old is the best.

I see the systems are available on eBay; I may have to get one.

GMoney said...

In other words, to quote Homer J, "Kids don't beat me. I BEAT KIDS."

Prime99 said...

I once came home drunk from the bars and beat Mike Tyson on Punch Out to a crowd of 10 people. Probably finest achievement in college.

Prime99 said...

Probably my*^^^

Fucking phone commenting does suck, so it goes.

Randall Stevens said...

One Thursday I returned from my 6-9 Econ class. Side bar: taking a 3 credit hour class once a week is the worst idea ever. Make that class Econ and you'll want to swallow rat poison. Anyway...I returned from class to discover that every last person I knew ditched me to have dinner on the other side of campus. So I calmly fixed some Ramen Noodles and proceeded to memorize the rebirth places on every board in Goldeneye multiplayer. Two things happened that day. No one ditched me for dinner again and I never lost in goldeneye again.

Anonymous said...

Heh, I knew them as well. The best part was when we would play proximity mines, and I just ran around and placed them on all the starting points.

On basement using proximity mines with four people, we always stuck my buddy Drew in what we called "the cycle". We camped out all spawn points and since Drew was the worst, he'd die first, and we would see who got to 20 first.

Also, only faggots played on modes that wasn't Licensed to Kill. One shot, one kill motherfuckers.


Anonymous said...

When do the real men show up? I'm tired of reading about these video game nerds swapping stories about who was the biggest dork. Guess what? You're all dweebs. If you put down the fantasy realm for a few hours, you might have touched a few more honkers in your pathetic lives like me.

Gmoney, when are you going to fire this waste of time and space?


GMoney said...

Well, Stansbury, are you volunteering to take over Tuesdays then? Because if I'm going to fire the red-headed stepchild, I'm going to need to replace him with another buckaroo.

Love and respect your hot takes though.

Randall Stevens said...

Replace me with StanGina. Oh boy, that would be a hoot. You know what? I dare you to make that move. But StanGina would never do it because he's a bitcher. And the only thing bitchers are good at is bitching.