Monday, February 03, 2014

Well That Was A Terrible Super Bowl

DERP!
#1 vs. #1.  It was supposed to be great.  It was supposed to be...dare I say...ELITE.  It was not.  It has been a long time since we've had a real turd of a Super Bowl and, by God, did it comes back in full force.  Because that was BAD.  Really bad.  I am so proud of myself for not doing a live journal of this disaster because I've barely paid attention to the second half.

Big props to Andrew B for winning our Playoffs Contest.  He picked Seattle while Damman had Denver and thus no one else had a shot.  Send me an email when you have the time (upper right) and we can work something out.  Congrats on being the best!  Let's just talk about the major players from this "game" and give some of my usual hot takes.

Russell Wilson - He had almost nothing to do with getting the monster lead but he had no problem adding on to it.  You know my feelings on Wilson by now and this title changes nothing.  I still don't like him and I will always think that anyone could win with that defense.  Whatever.

Percy Harvin - I guess that that is why they traded for him...because he can make an old, bad, and slow defense look old, bad, and slow.  They guy is a pretty good player when he isn't lying prone on the turf after every play.

Richard Sherman - No need to go HAM on Erin Andrews after a blowout but it probably would have been better if he didn't do his best Harvin impression on the field every possession.  That being said, Peyton AKA DA BEST EVAH hardly ever went at him and when you only throw to one side of the field, ya fucked BRAH.

Kam Chancellor - He's pretty much the NFL version of Seal Team Six.  He will kill all.

Pete Carroll - I don't like the guy.  I probably never will but he is a really good football coach.  You can't deny that.  Sure, you can whine about his past like Torg and demand the title to be vacant because you are an idiot but whatever.  Carroll deserved this ring.

Golden Tate - Can you believe that a team won a fucking Super Bowl and their #1 receiver is probably Tate?  That's terrible.

Bruno Mars - I barely know anything about this guy but I thought that his halftime show was fine.  I had no issue with it.  He doesn't make my kind of shit, but he did a good job.  On the other hand, I do like the Chili Peppers and I have no fucking clue what the point of them being out there was.  It didn't fit at all, they played a song that is 23 years old, and then they were gone.

Philip Seymour Hoffman - I will not miss a junkie.  I don't care what kind of movies he made.  If you're hooked on heroin, that's on you and you get what is coming for you.  TR > Philip Seymour.

John Fox - This guy is just a garbage coach. But I will defend him on one thing: going for it on 4th and 2 at the end of the first half was the CORRECT call.  You're down 22-0 and have no momentum at all.  A FG does nothing.  NOTHING.  You are playing for a Super Bowl title and have the best offense in league history.  If they can't get you two yards then you are going to lose anyway.  Better to know that before halftime starts.

Eric Decker - I don't even know if he played.  He did nothing at all.  We love calling white receivers "gritty" but Decker is probably the least gritty WR in the league.

Champ Bailey - You can take the stud out of the Redskins, but you can't take the Redskins out of the stud.  He got torched early which really set the tone for what we were about to watch.

Eli Manning - Congrats on still not losing a Super Bowl, little buddy!  You will forever be better than your OVERRATED bro!  We might as well get to the main course...

Peyton Manning - TRASH.  He was AWFUL.  The QB is responsible or the offense and the cadence.  When the center snaps the ball early, that is HIS fault for not communicating with the rest of his teammates.  And then he throws the game-ending pick six a little bit later.  I love being right.  Dude is a great QB but he is not the best ever.  He never will be with only one ring.  That's a HUGE blemish on his otherwise stellar resume.  I'm sorry, but it's true.  If you can't close then that sticks with you and it is fair to judge the greats on that.  There is a very large difference between losing a tight game and getting obliterated.  Now that there is already talk about retiring, the window is closed.  Denver isn't winning a Super Bowl with this group.  FACT.

The Commercials - Just awful.  Can we stop it with the superhero movies already?  Superhero movies flat out SUCK DICK.  The Avengers was butt.  Spiderman is gay.  Thor is pointless.  Ironman is a fucktard.  Batman isn't a superhero because he rules and doesn't have any bizarre powers.  He's just a rich white dude with a Morgan Freeman slave and cool toys.  Knock this shit off already, Randall Stevens and Prime, you're grown-ups now.  GIVE IT A REST on your weirdo crush on The Hulk.

So the season is over.  It ended badly but at least I'm still right (as usual).  I'm sure that the Redskins will make up for it next season when they win the Super Bowl 70-0 over the Browns.  Just a friendly reminder before we go that Tarvaris Jackson has the same number of rings as Peyton Manning.  DEAL WITH IT.

19 comments:

Grumpy said...

Wilson had plenty to do with converting all those 3rd downs. And helping get them there. Give the kid his props.

Mr. Ace said...

NFC NFC NFC NFC!!!

I had that game all wrong. Peyton Manning plays ball like a girl.

GMoney said...

I believe that I did give Wilson about all the credit that he deserves. He's a "game manager" that managed the game better than Mr. Laser Rocket Arm and his sidekick Turnovers.

I'm not going to suck his dick when he will go down as one of the 5-10 worst SB-winning QBs ever. He is not Flacco and Eli ELITE class, BRAH. Better than Weeden though. Worse than Luck, Kaep, and RG3 (especially). DEAL WITH IT.

Doug Williams > Rusty Dubs

Ape, how did you do on your props? I don't have the final total on mine but I think I went 6-7 so I lost a little but not much.

It's just amazing to me that SEA should have been a FG favorite without question (at the minimum) and we all knew it but Peyton and his tard defenders kept that line at a hilarious level for two weeks.

Jeff said...

That game blew.

Russell is a bit more than a game manager and you know that. Dude played his best game of the playoffs in the Super Bowl. He is TOTES better than RG3 because he is not a hurt pussy and he is straight.

Jeff said...

How about Ide stealing the post game interview with some 9/11 truther shit? He is pressing to try and get an acting role.

GMoney said...

Oh you know that Ide is a truther. Probably a TROOFer when you consider how much black dong has been rammed inside of him.

Game manager...I stick by it. No man that played for Bret Bielema is worth a shit.

Prime99 said...

I'm pretty certain Ide was one of the hipsters in Rob Riggle's prediction sketch.

Game was straight awful. Halftime show was straightforward, and I though the first 30 seconds of RHCP was cool, before I realized they were pointless.

Pretty bad entertainment all around.

Grumpy said...

If you think he's just a game manager then you haven't watched them play during the season. Way better than Flacco.

I spent halftime watching Seinfeld and Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. If you're going to have a Super Bowl in Jersey the halftime has to be Bon Jovi or The Boss.

GMoney said...

Or Gwar.

Russell Wilson is not a SB MVP. Joe Flacco, ELITE Manning, and Mark Rypien are. DEAL WITH IT. His job is to not make mistakes and run when needed because the defense doesn't need much. I don't know how you don't call that being a game manager.

FYI, Caliendo's 30 For 30 spoof on Richard Sherman was absolutely brilliant. I can't believe that I'm saying this, but it's true. He killed it.

Randall Stevens said...

I was super drunk and barely watched the second half last night. Sounds like I didn't miss much. And I don't watch the gay ass commercials.

I'll stop watching super hero movies when you stop taking RG3 love stick in the chili hole.

Anonymous said...

That game was terrible and incredibly boring.

Seattle's defense is cray.

Usually 99% of people hate the half-time show, but it seems like the majority felt Bruno Mars was pretty entertaining.

Commercials were awful as well.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Even though the commercials were terrible and Coke alienated all of America, Radio Shack putting ALF and The Hulkster in the same ad is ELITE. Unfortunately, they are right that Radio Shack is pointless.

Every commercial should feature ALF.

Prime99 said...

I'm all for superhero movies, but the funny thing about growing up is that now that Zack is around, I've missed every movie that's come out since he was born. I'm very up on Baby First TV, though.

Mr. Ace said...

I hit on Kam Chancellor first INT and first penalty false start. I missed on Knowshon and/or Orange Julius scoring first TD. I didn't go too crazy. I was on the under before the game and got it at 48.5. Live betting I was hitting the Over at 50.5 and hoping for the miracle middle at 49. If Denver wouldn't have converted that 2 pt it would have been beautiful. Instead I just split. I obvs missed Denver -2.

I thought the halftime show was pretty good. Better than most.

Anonymous said...

You know, it's funny. I could care less about that truther bullshit, but I do remember that accounts from that day saying there was a massive explosion on the 8th floor of one of the towers. Funny how that wasn't ever brought up.

Having said that, I have zero interest in wondering if the government did it or not. We did kill 330,000 (and counting!) Arabs in response, so I'm happy.

That Super Bowl was dogshit. The 12th man really did outnumber Broncos fans here almost 20 to 1, which I thought was crazy. However, they were loud and obnoxious assholes. They ran around NYC like OSU studens on game day. Among my least favorite was "sea-HAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKS", though the OH-IO like chant of "SEA!" "HAWKS!" was a close second. Thank god they are gone, and it's already poured on 4 inches of snow this morning (lol lava girl).

Ide

GMoney said...

Ide, maybe Peyton didn't play well at all because he just assumed that Lava Girl's weather reports tha tdid not exist were right and the game was going to be tomorrow night.

Loving that no one today is challenging my FACT that Eli is better than Peyton. TOTES OBVZ. You saw it last night when Fox kept showing ELITE in the box. He was sad that his big brother would never be as good and decorated as him. Or his suite was out of juice boxes.

Anonymous said...

Very disappointing super bowl/birthday..

1. Papa Milt is sending me some of his world famous beef jerky, but it apparently got "lost in the mail"
2. I REALLY wanted the seahawks to lose, but the broncos played like a worse version of the henry county cougars
3. I'm going to new york for my brothers wedding in a couple months & I'm supposed to be getting my junk from phillip seymour hoffman

Worst super bowl/birthday ever

Burke

Anonymous said...

I hope Baby Burke invites as few people from here as possible. I don't want to see any of you in my area. Namely, well, all of you.

Ide

GMoney said...

The feeling is mutual when you come back to the homeland, bruh.