|Gonna see A LOT of this|
Now, you all know me as the kind of guy that helps an opponent off the ground, sincerely asks how your family is doing, and pisses class, so I’m not going to bitch and moan about Grump picking his entire fucking team before I even made a selection. It’s what I expect from such a selfish diva. But it’s cool. I’m OK going through the old man’s garbage and finding treasure. But before that, let’s take another look at his team (with my SKRONG analysis in parentheses):
Damman at the 5 because he's the only one big enough to bang inside. His job is to rebound, play D and if we get 4-6 garbage pts. a night, it's gravy. (Again, this is a huge mistake because D has never played the post before)
Prime plays the 4. He can back you down or face up. Slow feet on defense, but Damman will be there to cover the guys who blow by him. (Prime is 6’6” 250 which is going to be a match-up nightmare but he talks of this great outside game and that makes me think that he’s Byron Mullens or Andrea Bargnani so I’m not worried about him anymore)
Randall is our 3. Can't play with his back to the basket, but is consistent from mid-range to waaay downtown. Likely the high scorer. (Will give up twice as many points as he scores…next)
I'm (Grumpy) the 2G. Great defense and deadly coming off picks. Can't get my own shot, but consistent catch and shoot. Besides, Coach Brown needs someone who remembers the 50's. (Christ, just what I need to see: a guy on Medicare wearing nut-hugger shorts, canvas shoes, and Kurt Rambis horn-rim glasses)
Jeff is the PG. I have no basis for this other than he looks athletic enough to play there and seems smart enough. I thought about Ide here, but his mental stability could be an issue. Dut could probably play the point, but then we have the whole distraction of a gay teammate. (I agree with his assessment on Jeff—he seems like the type that could run an offense and not turn the ball over…but these two Steeler fans just need to Michael Sam already and get it over with)
Not a bad team, but he left a lot of quality ballers on the sidelines and that’s who I will be picking from: The Leftovers. That is fine by me. I want a group with a chip on their shoulder and something to prove. OBVZ, I am the Captain of this outfit and will reward myself by playing one of the guard positions and throwing razor sharp elbows at an old man all game. That sounds like incredible fun. Let’s acknowledge the stalwarts that I passed on before I unveil my WINNING squadron:
Larry – Although knowing that you once threw up on Damman’s head nearly got you on the team
Cakes – LOL no
Dut – I don’t want anyone on my team who demands to be skins and no bottoms, too. He'd probably show up wearing daisy dukes and a see-through tank top
JSaul, NCNate (who is now OH Nate welcome back!) and GSaul – In the pool, yes, on the court, HELLS NAH!
MUDawg – You’ve got that SEC speed that I crave but I don’t know your measurables and that hurt your candidacy
J From JBeanie – You’re shorter than I am (maybe) and we’re going to need height with our white
Mr. Ace – Just because you know a lot of black dudes doesn’t mean that you can ball. My guess is that you are horrific. Feel free to be the ref or something. You look like you could be on the take.
Buke – Man, I really wanted to recreate some of that old Pacers championship magic with you but that was 15 years ago (HOLY SHIT). You’re going to be pissed when you see who I picked ahead of you so I’m apologizing now. Anyway: here is G$’s Team of Scrappy and Gritty Leftovers!!!
PG – G$: I mean come on. I’m more of a Combo Guard (ie: filled to the brim with Pizza Combos) though. I won’t shoot much but I will be relentless when it comes to playing dirty. I WILL undercut all of you when you go in for lay-ups (which we won’t be giving up anyway so it doesn’t matter). Might have to break out the Umbro shorts and RecSpecs just to show you that I mean business. Never forget that I can touch the net. FACT.
SG – Ide: Ugh, this one hurts. I can’t believe that I’ll be sharing a backcourt with this turd. The reason why I’m picking Bald Bull here is because he says that he played against Chris Paul and Josh Howard in college. This is probably a lie but it’s a better one than anyone else has told me. I like his STREMPH of Schedule. His rugged non-con will make playing against Jeff a breeze. Also, I like the idea of him calling everyone on the other team “Darkness” in the style of Rick James to Charlie Murphy (that sketch turned ten years old this week FYI).
SF – Seal: You idiots failed to remember that Bald Bull #2 was Mr. Basketball in the state of Ohio out of Cuy Falls! He went to Kentucky on a hoops scholarship but got kicked off the team for doing his homework. Tubby Smiff didn’t care for that behavior. I’m going to put him on Randall Stevens and crank up the Drowning Pool. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!
PF – Drew: If I remember correctly, Drew at one time played a sizable amount of pick-up ball. Plus, he’s about Damman’s size so they can bang around all game. You might notice that my team has some ELITE chemistry issues. AND HOW! We’ll probably call ourselves the Frenemies. This roster is a real Chris Grant Special. But we all have one thing in common that will unite us for the greater good: FUCK GRUMPY.
I think that it’s pretty safe to say that The Frenemies are the superior team over The Grumpkins. Plus, we’d drink you under the table because the drink is semen and we all know that Ide Drinks Cum. Count it. But The Money Shot All Star Game also has other events over the course of the weekend.
Celebrity Game MVP – Racist Gruden
Skills Contest Champion – Seal (too FAST for the rest)
3 Point Shootout – Randall Stevens
Dunk Contest – Prime (he is the only guy that can dunk a regulation rim likely)
As great as this weekend sounds on paper, it will never come to pass because a certain “triple threat” is too much of a BITCH to show his face at RibFest. Man, this game would be perfect for RibFest. Oh well, we’ll always be able to talk shit in the comments to each other instead of on the court. Happy Valentine’s Day, queerbates!