Friday, February 14, 2014

The Money Shot All Star Game

Gonna see A LOT of this
Big weekend coming up if you are someone who likes to be entertained by ELITE athletic competition. Of course, I’m talking about NBA All Star Weekend which is inconveniently trying to curb the Cavs’ unstoppable momentum (will not matter…this team is Finals bound, bruh). LOL JK, no one cares but it is a decent enough segue for what Grumpy started on Wednesday afternoon. I’m talking about TMS Open Gym Pick-Up Basketball. Drawing sides from the comment section and battling on the court sounds like a real HOOT.

Now, you all know me as the kind of guy that helps an opponent off the ground, sincerely asks how your family is doing, and pisses class, so I’m not going to bitch and moan about Grump picking his entire fucking team before I even made a selection. It’s what I expect from such a selfish diva. But it’s cool. I’m OK going through the old man’s garbage and finding treasure. But before that, let’s take another look at his team (with my SKRONG analysis in parentheses):

Damman at the 5 because he's the only one big enough to bang inside. His job is to rebound, play D and if we get 4-6 garbage pts. a night, it's gravy. (Again, this is a huge mistake because D has never played the post before)

Prime plays the 4. He can back you down or face up. Slow feet on defense, but Damman will be there to cover the guys who blow by him. (Prime is 6’6” 250 which is going to be a match-up nightmare but he talks of this great outside game and that makes me think that he’s Byron Mullens or Andrea Bargnani so I’m not worried about him anymore)

Randall is our 3. Can't play with his back to the basket, but is consistent from mid-range to waaay downtown. Likely the high scorer. (Will give up twice as many points as he scores…next)

I'm (Grumpy) the 2G. Great defense and deadly coming off picks. Can't get my own shot, but consistent catch and shoot. Besides, Coach Brown needs someone who remembers the 50's. (Christ, just what I need to see: a guy on Medicare wearing nut-hugger shorts, canvas shoes, and Kurt Rambis horn-rim glasses)

Jeff is the PG. I have no basis for this other than he looks athletic enough to play there and seems smart enough. I thought about Ide here, but his mental stability could be an issue. Dut could probably play the point, but then we have the whole distraction of a gay teammate. (I agree with his assessment on Jeff—he seems like the type that could run an offense and not turn the ball over…but these two Steeler fans just need to Michael Sam already and get it over with)

Not a bad team, but he left a lot of quality ballers on the sidelines and that’s who I will be picking from: The Leftovers. That is fine by me. I want a group with a chip on their shoulder and something to prove. OBVZ, I am the Captain of this outfit and will reward myself by playing one of the guard positions and throwing razor sharp elbows at an old man all game. That sounds like incredible fun. Let’s acknowledge the stalwarts that I passed on before I unveil my WINNING squadron:

Larry – Although knowing that you once threw up on Damman’s head nearly got you on the team
Cakes – LOL no
Dut – I don’t want anyone on my team who demands to be skins and no bottoms, too. He'd probably show up wearing daisy dukes and a see-through tank top
JSaul, NCNate (who is now OH Nate welcome back!) and GSaul – In the pool, yes, on the court, HELLS NAH!
MUDawg – You’ve got that SEC speed that I crave but I don’t know your measurables and that hurt your candidacy
J From JBeanie – You’re shorter than I am (maybe) and we’re going to need height with our white
Mr. Ace – Just because you know a lot of black dudes doesn’t mean that you can ball. My guess is that you are horrific. Feel free to be the ref or something. You look like you could be on the take.
Buke – Man, I really wanted to recreate some of that old Pacers championship magic with you but that was 15 years ago (HOLY SHIT). You’re going to be pissed when you see who I picked ahead of you so I’m apologizing now. Anyway: here is G$’s Team of Scrappy and Gritty Leftovers!!!

PG – G$: I mean come on. I’m more of a Combo Guard (ie: filled to the brim with Pizza Combos) though. I won’t shoot much but I will be relentless when it comes to playing dirty. I WILL undercut all of you when you go in for lay-ups (which we won’t be giving up anyway so it doesn’t matter). Might have to break out the Umbro shorts and RecSpecs just to show you that I mean business.  Never forget that I can touch the net.  FACT.

SG – Ide: Ugh, this one hurts. I can’t believe that I’ll be sharing a backcourt with this turd. The reason why I’m picking Bald Bull here is because he says that he played against Chris Paul and Josh Howard in college. This is probably a lie but it’s a better one than anyone else has told me. I like his STREMPH of Schedule. His rugged non-con will make playing against Jeff a breeze. Also, I like the idea of him calling everyone on the other team “Darkness” in the style of Rick James to Charlie Murphy (that sketch turned ten years old this week FYI).

SF – Seal: You idiots failed to remember that Bald Bull #2 was Mr. Basketball in the state of Ohio out of Cuy Falls! He went to Kentucky on a hoops scholarship but got kicked off the team for doing his homework. Tubby Smiff didn’t care for that behavior. I’m going to put him on Randall Stevens and crank up the Drowning Pool. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

PF – Drew: If I remember correctly, Drew at one time played a sizable amount of pick-up ball. Plus, he’s about Damman’s size so they can bang around all game. You might notice that my team has some ELITE chemistry issues. AND HOW! We’ll probably call ourselves the Frenemies. This roster is a real Chris Grant Special.  But we all have one thing in common that will unite us for the greater good: FUCK GRUMPY.
C – Andrew B: This was a tough position to pick because Prime is by far the tallest bro we’ve got and no one else really comes close. So I did a little digging on Andrew B as we have been communicating via email over the past week since I owe him contest money (PAID). Yep, he's Andrew Bynum!  His wacky antics should make practices fun!

I think that it’s pretty safe to say that The Frenemies are the superior team over The Grumpkins. Plus, we’d drink you under the table because the drink is semen and we all know that Ide Drinks Cum. Count it. But The Money Shot All Star Game also has other events over the course of the weekend.
Celebrity Game MVP – Racist Gruden
Skills Contest Champion – Seal (too FAST for the rest)
3 Point Shootout – Randall Stevens
Dunk Contest – Prime (he is the only guy that can dunk a regulation rim likely)

As great as this weekend sounds on paper, it will never come to pass because a certain “triple threat” is too much of a BITCH to show his face at RibFest. Man, this game would be perfect for RibFest. Oh well, we’ll always be able to talk shit in the comments to each other instead of on the court. Happy Valentine’s Day, queerbates!

48 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

I will take the leftover leftovers and still dominate. Myself, Larry, Lange, JSaul and....GSaul would destroy you guys. Big mistake disrespecting this group. Any day any time we will take all comers(or at least Dut will).

Jeff said...

G$, can't believe you wouldn't take Stan on your squad to play head games with Randall. Or did you??? We would be fine as long as Grumpy has kept his stamina up playing raquet ball.

Grumpy said...

I have to find the elastic strap for my glasses. And my knee high socks with two stripes.

This is half court, right?

Jeff said...

Half court, make it take it, no blood no foul.

GMoney said...

The Misfits and the Misfits' Misfits demand full court 40 minutes of Hell.

You will rue the day you made that team Ape and left such quality ballers for Team Dut! The Duts will feature Dut, Buke, Nibbles, MUDawg, and Cakes. FINAL FOUR, YO!

Who woke up this morning to see that he is FB friends with Uncle T? THIS GUY. Best Valentine's Day ever!!!

Randall Stevens said...

Everything you said about Dut > anything anyone has ever said about another person here. I'm still LOLing. A close second was calling Ide Bald Bull. Your insult game is on point today.

I've extended my 3 game to 50 feet with blistering accuracy. You bitches are toast. Was I the number one overall? I bet I was. Let's talk contract details. I'm not cheap, Grumpy. Winning comes at a premium, son.

GMoney said...

Your kind words mean a lot but I'm still going make you bleed.

Jeff, I know who Stan is. He is not the kind of baller that I am looking for.

Anonymous said...

Sticking me on Grump is the best move. Anytime he touches the ball its ours. I model my pick up game from the great black Bruce Bowen. Its always high praise to hear some asshole claim he had an off game after I shut his shit down. Thats right, I try on defense in pickup games. Aaron Craft is acceptable comparison.

I still play pick up games.

Leaving Buke sidelined is smart because for those past 15 years he has been burning down about 2 packs a day in flavor country with those Winston's. He will be good for one sprint down the floor until he asks how many time outs there are.

Would Drew and Seal pass to each other? Doubtful.

Ide

Randall Stevens said...

I would drop 60 on Ide. Never been more sure I anything.

GMoney said...

If you are our defensive stopper (according to you), I'm not putting you on Grump. You're guarding the ball and that decision is final. You look like a real floor slapper anyway with your love of drinking semen and whatnot.

As I said, there could be some serious chemistry issues on The Frenemies. But we so talented, BRAH!

Prime99 said...

I played pickup once with a 70 year old who wore high top Chuck Taylor's, knee braces, and googles. I could see in his magnified eyes that he wanted the game of pickup to involve free throws so he could show off his granny style. I'm wondering Grump's game is similar?

Randall's claim of extended range could be a positive... Or this game will turn into Randall and Andrew B chucking up shots from wherever they touch it.

If we run a motion offense and play man, Grumpy's out of position coaching won't come into play. We would win and Bynum would sock someone on his him in the face.

Grumpy said...

LULZ at Ide on me. Post his ass up all day. Just give me the ball.

Randall, you were not the first pick, Prime was. I figured him at 6'5" 215. Probably a natural 3; at 250 he needs to shed a few pounds.

We just have more scorers than the other teams. Size too.

Tell me how G$ stays with Jeff.

Anonymous said...

Randall's been the most OVERRATED basketballer at this blog for years. I'd relish in the opportunity to take him and his team down.

G$...just a warning...I'm gonna be a stretch four. I don't think that will matter matched up with Damman tho.

Slow Seal and I would work well together in this event...he's too angry all the time, so his anger would be focused on the opponent...not on me.

G$...won't let you down BRAH.

--Drew

Randall Stevens said...

There's a pop a shot in grandview that says you're wrong, Drooler.

Looking at these teams, I'm pretty sure we're the only team with actual team organized basketball experience. These games won't be close. Plus Grumpy, I'm sure, can execute a flawless Mikan drill.

Jeff said...

Someone should waste their weekend and create all commentors on NBA live or whatever the video game is and simulate this game.

Will we need to stop the game for lotion application when Ide starts chafing due to dry skin?

Prime99 said...

Grumpy just took an inch away from me? I remember good old days when rosters would lie and add height. I was once listed at 6'9" in a NorCal playoff roster card.

I can't argue with shedding a few pounds. Gotta get the baby weight under control.

Anonymous said...

And I will embarrass you at beer pong. Cute bar games aside, you ain't going for 60. 20 for 65 is a gaudy number, with you chucking up those biscuits.

Ide

Randall Stevens said...

If Ide was a wrestler in high school...and I'm pretty sure he was...I know precisely the type of defense he plays. And that means he'll be fouled out and showering with black men by the end of the first quarter. Just the way he likes it.

I'm pretty sure that every high school playoff roster I was on from my sophomore year and on had me listed at 6'4". That's a lie bigger than Ide's Paul Pierce story.

Anonymous said...

Drew and I might even become friends after this game.

Grumpy will regret the day he passed on having me as his 3.

Playing intramural ball next to a few of the 'Cats while at UK taught me a few things... Im pretty much Saul Smith. But seriously, those guys (Saul Smith, Chuck Hayes, Teyshaun, etc)used to come to the gym and play pick up ball during our intramural season. Couldn't believe they were allowed.

It would pretty much be 4 on 5 after the first 5 minutes when the old man cant make it back down the court to play D.

Seal

GMoney said...

Great commenting today, fellas, as I knew it would be.

All I know that my teammates all seem to get what matters most (FUCK YOU GRUMP) and are setting aside our differences to beat that ass.

There will be plenty of lotion on our bench. Don't you worry about that. Our postgame steams are legendary.

Raise your hand if you thank Grump is OVERRATING Jeff???

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Randall comparing pop a shot to real basketball. I bet your NBA Jam arcade skillz mean you'll win too. We'd run you fools off the court.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I almost fell out of my chair LOLing at Drew almost apologizing for being a stretch 4 or even referring to himself as one. Good stuff!

GMoney said...

There is already dissention amongst the Grumpkins as their coach is calling his PF a lardo. This is going to be EZ.

Anonymous said...

Randall is right, I was a wrestler and I play physical defense. Since there are no refs, call me Aaron Craft, because I'm getting ALL THE CALLS.

Randall cries foul after every brick. FACT!

Ide

Anonymous said...

Everyone is overlooking that Grumpy's team has TWO steelers fans on his team. We all know Pittsburgh fans are terrible athlete's. Stick to bowling, chain smoking competitions, and trailer park wife beatings (this is a game steelers fans play, right?).

Seal

GMoney said...

Seal, your logic is flawed though and will result in you doing 5 suicides. We have two Browns fans and thus have a massive stink of failure surrounding us. You will need to siphon some of my winning ways. Don't worry, I have enough to go around. Now that that is out of the way...

(blows whistle really loud)

ON THE LINE!

Anonymous said...

damn... suicides suck ass.

Seal

Prime99 said...

We have two Browns fans, as well. :(

GMoney said...

Feels like the right time to remind everyone that RibFest is 3 weeks from tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

You are all forgetting that Team Ace consists of three Michigan fans...WE ON!!!!!!!

I'm sure we could bring KP Doggy off the bench.

-GSaul

Anonymous said...

Let's talk about the real factor. Flag Carrying. We win all day because of that.

Ide

Prime99 said...

This matchup is worthy of G$'s 19 pronged Super Bowl analysis.

Randall Stevens said...

My pop a shot reference just proves my versatility, Drooler. I can score on anyone, on any hoop in any arena...or bar.

I've played pick up games with wrestlers before and they're all the same. They come in and envision everyone in a singlet in the ready position on a wrestling mat. Their idea of "lockdown" defense is grabbing an arm or forearm shoving the guy that's in the process of roasting them to the hoop. In a pickup game we usually don't call it because it's cute to watch them try. And lesbihonest...they're wrestlers and don't know any better. In a real game they wouldn't last a full quarter.

GMoney said...

Well, looks like we're not wearing singlets now.

Anonymous said...

Forearm shivers happen when you try to back me down. Pro tip: don't try to back me down. I've made comparisons to Bruce Bowen, so that should tell you the brand of defense I buy into. None of this sweet shit.

I am a constant nuisance on the defensive end. My offensive game is shit, but I always wanted to play and to not be not picked so, I chose to be good at defense. That way when I rack up steals and pass, no one can say I sucked.

I'd be worried about Grump. Those old fogeys play harder than the blacks at Rucker Park.

Ide

GMoney said...

Shit, I was hoping to count on you for some mid-range jumpers. Our backcourt will be lucky to break ten points. Gonna need Seal, Drew, and Andrew Bynum to step it up otherwise we're going to have to grind the shot clock and play first to forty.

Whatever, we're still going to win.

Anonymous said...

G$...As mentioned I'm a stretch 4. If we need buckets...I'm your man. My key range is from the elbow to a few feet past three land...also deadly from teh corners. I also move well without the ball...and with Damman guarding me, it wouldn't surprise me if they switched to a zone at some point because that just wouldn't work.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

That's the rub. I have a decent midrange for when I need it. With Grump on me, I'm sure I can find my opening. Or collapse their shitty defense scheme leaving Drew or Seal open.

Then I'll Lambeer the nearest player in transition.

Ide

Cakes said...

I'm too busy perfecting my swing in the cages for basketball anyway. However, I did hit a four point play in JV basketball. So I got that going for me.

GMoney said...

Cakes, you can always show up and be like Tracy Morgan in The Longest Yard remake. You know, dressed as a female cheerleader and screaming at the hunks with the hottest buns.

GMoney said...

You better watch yourself, Drew, or I'm going to have no choice but to start calling you "Buckets". Loving the way that each guy already knows their role on The Frenemies even before the first practice (which is game day because real men don't practice). This is the sign of a great TEAM.

Hey Grump...DEAL WITH IT!

Anonymous said...

It would be an honor to be called "Buckets" after the great Deshaun Thomas.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Lange and Larry are the most athletic commeneters, flat out. Lange averaged a double-double for the CATS as the Naptown version of Magic Johnson, AIDS included. I assume Larry was similar, and he is the youngest of the bunch. And I have the hoops IQ of John Stockton and the jumper of Mark Price. The Sauls are super gritty. You don't grow up with 12 brothers and not know how to scrap.

Like I said, we would destroy you.

GMoney said...

Lange's mind is pre-occupied with trying to figure out if he should get a goddamn leash for his kid when he goes to Disney World. If you're reading this, duuuuuuuude, that sounds like a really bad idea.

Notice how no one on the Grumpkins is being vocal today. Why? Because they're scared and know that they are being run by an idiot. On the otherhand, The Frenemies can't stop showing their excitement. We are ready to BALL.

The Damn Dirty Apes are a bunch 5'10"-5'11" guys with no skillz. You are nothing to us.

Prime99 said...

We would win. Though having an actual NBA player on your team is pretty unfair. Not too concerned though. I think we just know we would win, not as much smack is needed.

GMoney said...

You're in the wrong place if you think that smack is unnecessary.

Anonymous said...

I promise not to shoot every time I get the ball as long as we can go bowling afterwards. We good?

Andrew B.

GMoney said...

Postgame bowling? This team just keeps getting better! Stroh's on me!