I mention this because, earlier this week, it was announced that American hero to many, George Zimmerman, would be celebrity boxing against DMX at some point in the near future. UP IN HERE. UP IN HERE. Wow. This is just terrific on so many levels. It is a chance for black people to feel that some sort of justice is served should Zimmerman get his ass beaten. But what if DMX loses? Zimmerman would have another black dude under his belt! Would he wear a hoodie to the ring? He fucking better! Will there be pictures of guns on his trunks? Let’s be honest here, Zimmerman will be favored. Have you seen DMX lately? He looks like he is addicted to AIDS-laced crack. He weighs about as much as a good dump. So while the Al Sharptons and Jesse Jacksons of the world will be rooting for their undeserved pound of flesh for Trayvon Martin, the odds will be in the shooter’s favor. There is NO WAY that this publicity stunt will end well. Casey Anthony has a better shot of working in a daycare center.
But the point of today’s post is for me to reveal my celebrity boxing card for the stars. Let’s say that Fox wants to bring this great athletic competition back and asked me to book the show. They’ve got time for 5 matches and two have to be of the foxy boxing variety. While we would love for me to put on a main event of Brock Lesnar vs. Justin Bieber, that shit just isn’t going to fly although it would be LOLZ 4 DAYZ. You need a few things for a solid celebrity boxing card: people with no shame, people who haven’t worked in over a decade, somewhat of a backstory that ties the two combatants together, and train wrecks. Here is my card. By the way, this event will be hosted by Enzo “The Meow Meow” from that one season of Big Brother because he should be on TV still.
War of the Worst Moms: Tan Mom vs. Teen Mom Farrah Abraham
Hell, this might actually be on the Zimmerman/DMX undercard anyway.
Bru-ha-ha of the Broke Former Athlete: Jose Canseco vs. Antoine Walker
These are a couple of hungry fighters. In FACT, they’re fighting for a sandwich.
Battle of the Brothers: Fred Savage vs. Ben Savage
They probably like each other and are still working in Hollywood but I would laugh very hard at Kevin Arnold in his Jets jacket slap-fighting Corey Matthews with Vader in his corner. Jim Abbott better show up.
Tussle of the TMZ Train Wrecks: Amanda Bynes vs. Lindsay Lohan
This one could get sexy real quick. I am still on Team Lohan 4 Life.
MAIN EVENT! The Brawl over Bayside: Mark-Paul Gosselaar vs. Mario Lopez
We need to know who the King from Saved By The Bell is once and for all. I still feel short-changed that we never got a follow-up to their ELITE donnybrook at The Max (which ended when Belding lost his toupee OBVZ). To add some spice to this fight, let’s throw Dennis Haskins in there as the ref. Both of these guys are still in good shape so this might actually be a solid spar session. Winner gets the ten bucks that Slater IOWA’d Zack. Nedick might be there. Why the hell not?
Tell me that you wouldn’t watch the shit out of this Celebrity Boxing two hour showcase. I dare you. So, to end the week (BTW, The Walking Dead returns on Sunday night), let’s discuss how great this GZ/DMX disaster will be and also maybe unleash your own dream cards. This should be enjoyable. But you aren’t topping a Morris/Slater main event so don’t even try.