Friday, February 07, 2014

Probably A Bigger Disaster Than Sochi

America...FUCK YEAH!
Over a decade ago (Allah, I’m old), when all the TV networks were trying to keep up with Fox in the reality TV department, Fox just dropped the hammer on all of those fools with the most ridiculously low-brow concept they could think of. I’m talking about the cultural phenomenon known as Celebrity Boxing. Oh, what an event those were! Where else would you find Screech Powers and Manute Bol possibly on the same card on the same night! Fun FACT: I won a bet off of Shags because he was foolish enough to bet on Fridge Perry over Manute. Always go with the longer reach and not the guy that weighs six tons, bruh! I think that this spectacle only saw 3 or 4 episodes which is a damn shame but it left a tremendous foot print on society nonetheless.

I mention this because, earlier this week, it was announced that American hero to many, George Zimmerman, would be celebrity boxing against DMX at some point in the near future. UP IN HERE. UP IN HERE. Wow. This is just terrific on so many levels. It is a chance for black people to feel that some sort of justice is served should Zimmerman get his ass beaten. But what if DMX loses? Zimmerman would have another black dude under his belt! Would he wear a hoodie to the ring? He fucking better! Will there be pictures of guns on his trunks? Let’s be honest here, Zimmerman will be favored. Have you seen DMX lately? He looks like he is addicted to AIDS-laced crack. He weighs about as much as a good dump. So while the Al Sharptons and Jesse Jacksons of the world will be rooting for their undeserved pound of flesh for Trayvon Martin, the odds will be in the shooter’s favor. There is NO WAY that this publicity stunt will end well. Casey Anthony has a better shot of working in a daycare center.

But the point of today’s post is for me to reveal my celebrity boxing card for the stars. Let’s say that Fox wants to bring this great athletic competition back and asked me to book the show. They’ve got time for 5 matches and two have to be of the foxy boxing variety. While we would love for me to put on a main event of Brock Lesnar vs. Justin Bieber, that shit just isn’t going to fly although it would be LOLZ 4 DAYZ. You need a few things for a solid celebrity boxing card: people with no shame, people who haven’t worked in over a decade, somewhat of a backstory that ties the two combatants together, and train wrecks. Here is my card. By the way, this event will be hosted by Enzo “The Meow Meow” from that one season of Big Brother because he should be on TV still.

War of the Worst Moms: Tan Mom vs. Teen Mom Farrah Abraham
Hell, this might actually be on the Zimmerman/DMX undercard anyway.

Bru-ha-ha of the Broke Former Athlete: Jose Canseco vs. Antoine Walker
These are a couple of hungry fighters. In FACT, they’re fighting for a sandwich.

Battle of the Brothers: Fred Savage vs. Ben Savage
They probably like each other and are still working in Hollywood but I would laugh very hard at Kevin Arnold in his Jets jacket slap-fighting Corey Matthews with Vader in his corner. Jim Abbott better show up.

Tussle of the TMZ Train Wrecks: Amanda Bynes vs. Lindsay Lohan
This one could get sexy real quick. I am still on Team Lohan 4 Life.

MAIN EVENT! The Brawl over Bayside: Mark-Paul Gosselaar vs. Mario Lopez
We need to know who the King from Saved By The Bell is once and for all. I still feel short-changed that we never got a follow-up to their ELITE donnybrook at The Max (which ended when Belding lost his toupee OBVZ). To add some spice to this fight, let’s throw Dennis Haskins in there as the ref. Both of these guys are still in good shape so this might actually be a solid spar session. Winner gets the ten bucks that Slater IOWA’d Zack. Nedick might be there. Why the hell not?

Tell me that you wouldn’t watch the shit out of this Celebrity Boxing two hour showcase. I dare you. So, to end the week (BTW, The Walking Dead returns on Sunday night), let’s discuss how great this GZ/DMX disaster will be and also maybe unleash your own dream cards. This should be enjoyable. But you aren’t topping a Morris/Slater main event so don’t even try.

47 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

I am really disappointed about DMX doing this. Zimmerman has been training to kill minorities his entire life. I don't think he gets into this fight if he didn't know he will win. And I love me some DMX, but he will probably get murked unless the prize is crack. If that's the case, watch out.

Sticking with the race war idea, I think I would like to see John Rocker fight Dennis Rodman. Rodman probably kills him with the reach, but Rocker is country strong.

Seal and Drew is the ultimate though.

GMoney said...

Yeah, I see this like the Super Bowl where DMX will be treated by the public like Pey Pey. He will probably be favored. But we know King George is the better play.

I don't know who is televising this (probably Fox) but I'm serious that Zimm needs to walk to the ring in a hoodie.

GMoney said...

Really glad that I didn't stay up for the third/OT last night. At least we get a point but drop to 4th in the Metro because apparently Steve Mason is Dominik Hasek this month. Lame.

Need to beat the Sharks tonight. I heard that Prime will be carrying the flag. If not, fuck him.

Jeff said...

Iron Sheik vs. Riddick Bowe

Yea that game was lame. My "try to take a quick nap in the second intermission" is yet to work, woke up and it was 1-1 and went to sleep for good hoping for the best.

Jeff Carter's faggotry sure has rubbed off on Dustin Brown. What a fuckin bitch with that hit on Murry. His ass better get a nice fine and suspension from ole Gare Bear.

GMoney said...

The worst part is that now Richards has to coach that WHITE THUG on Team America. I was disappointed that none of our guys served him up a few knuckle sammies.

Iron Sheik vs. Paula Deen sounds like a winning bout to me. He break her back!

MuDawgfan said...

These are a couple of hungry fighters. In FACT, they’re fighting for a sandwich

Thought you could sneak this one by me without me standing and applauding - you're wrong!

I got into a facebook argument with a former high school class mate. When DMX made the quotes about wanting to kill Zimmerman and piss on his body.

Motherfucking DMX has been smoking weed or using drugs for the past 25 years. He's 43 years old. What kind of stamina do you think he has?
This isn't 1997.

Zimmerman has 8 weeks to get in moderately decent shape and learn how to protect himself in the ring. If he does that, he'll last past three rounds and we could be looking at a "rope-a-dope" strategy in later rounds.

GMoney said...

Mos Def...Zimmerman didn't accept this fight if he was going to get destroyed. He's fighting a crackhead and he knows it. This will be easier than shooting a black teenager doing nothing wrong.

GMoney said...

And my Rolodex of applicable Simpsons quotes is very, very huge.

Nate said...

Zimmerman was training as an amateur boxer prior to shooting Trayvon.

The story is all about DMX wanting to take out the frustration of the black community on Zimmerman.

How do you think Zman feels? He's declared bankruptcy, he's lost his wife, gained 80 pounds throughout this ordeal, and he's still alive to take out his personal frustration on DMX.

I think Zimmerman is going to beat some ass.

Anonymous said...

That quote had me trying to shoehorn a Switchyard Sullivan or Kid Presentable namedrop into a sentence, but nothing came, so I will just leave it here.

I've been team George before I figured he was innocent. No reason to stop that train now. However, DMX better come out to the Ruff Ryder's Anthem.

Those Facebook movie things are gay, but I looked at mine. My 3 quotes were great. One made fun of the Bengals, another laughing at the steelers, and the other one was making fun of Trayvon. I enjoyed that greatly.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Marcus Vick vs. Riley Cooper

Prime99 said...

I would also enjoy a triple threat match of Kelly vs Jessie vs Lisa with guest referee Staci Carosi. Your Nedick reference was off the chain!

I heard GZ trains in MMA? True?

I carry no flags, but feel free to beat the Sharks. I don't care. It helps the 'Hawks ever so slightly, so that's fine.

Randall Stevens said...

Seal v. Drooler would be one hell of a match. Though I think Seal would take it since he's powered by rage. Drooler seems a little too passive to hang with someone who just seems angry all the time.

We could also have Ide v. Patrick Monahan. But that fight would end up in Ide sexually assaulting Patrick a minute into the bout. So it may not work afterall.

Kyrie Irving v. Dion Waiters would be one for the ages.

Mr. Ace said...

It was only a matter of time until somebody made GZ out to be the victim. Congrats, Nate.

I feel like there is a good chance GZ gets shot during this ordeal. Somebody in DMX's entourage is going to be carrying. If DMX is taking an L I can totes see GZ getting shot. Especially if he comes out in a hood.

Anonymous said...

Not to burst the bubble, but DMX hasn't signed on yet....says he still needs to figure out how much he's getting paid. Which is ridiculous as I'm sure he's broke. I think Zimmerman would destroy his crackhead ass as well tho.

Randall...you could be right...I can't reach the levels of mad that Slow Seal can reach. Plus, Retard Strength is a real thing.

Some I'd like to see...

Obama vs. some conservative retard blowhard like Limbaugh. -- It would be frightening just how serious some would take that fight.

Joey Bosa vs. Taylor Lewan -- Even some Michigan fans might root for Bosa here.

Suh vs. J.J. Watt -- I don't think there is any hatred here....but, they are both freaks of nature so let's see them box.

Verlander vs. G$ -- PPV's would be enormous.

Aaron Craft vs. Bieber -- It would be fun to see some of you tools rooting for Bieber while he's getting the shit beat out of him.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Like I said, this has the potential (if it happens) to be a bigger disaster than the Sochi Games. And I would love every second of it.

GMoney said...

It's no wonder that Li'l Boogie hates his "dad" so much. Pussy isn't even man enough to Carry The Flag tonight. I've seen pics of that young boy. He's GOTTA SEE IT LIVE...I can see it in his eyes.

Don't force him to be a loser Blackhawks fan. Let him be a MAN and support a winner. You're never too young to JOIN THE BATTLE.

Prime99 said...

Yeah, winning two Cups in 4 years is pretty loser-esque. The only cup the BJ's have has been shit in by 2 girls.

Nate said...

"It was only a matter of time until somebody made GZ out to be the victim. Congrats, Nate."

Eyewitness account of Trayvon slamming Z's head into the ground.

His very ground that Z has a right to stand, according to Florida law.

Cakes said...

I haven't thought about celebrity boxing in years! G$'s blog bank knows no bounds.

Maybe we can visit an old, dusty, salt-of-the-earth type gym after Ribfest for Drew vs. Seal. I would pay tens of dollars to see that fight.

Thinking about Bynes vs. Lohan all day at work isn't good for anyone. The crippling drug addictions just make it sexier for me.

Mr. Ace said...

I thinker a Zimmer v Pedro fight would be a nice grudge match. Probably closer than the experts think.

Rae Carruth vs Ray Lewis. I bet Carruth is yuge in prison right now. Fight to the death obviously.

Anonymous said...

Prime's basically raising his son to be a front-runner if he raises him a Blackhawks fan. Keep him local....let him be a Sharks fan.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Pfffft, those Cups are in the past. Your youngling needs to concern himself with the future. And the future is red, white, and blue...just like AMERICA.

Ray Lewis has too much money to fight in these events. Carruth/Marcus Vick is definitely a possibility.

Anonymous said...

Don't you dare sully the good name of Z-Man by comparing him to that turd

Head of Security

Prime99 said...

Front runner? You mean like G$ was raised to like his dad's odd geographical preferences? Or how you like all Michigan teams besides Ohio? Good consistency.

The Cubs even out any argument to front running, anyway.

Anyone get the feeling that if the CBJ's ever got really good, their fans would basically be the hockey version of Seahawks fans?

Anonymous said...

I'd pay to watch Grumpy box a poor disadvantaged biracial person. All proceeds would go to chopping down a forest.

The undercard would feature Dut vs a bull dyke. Though, that fight probably happens numerous times throughout the year at his choice of bars.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Who's celebrating Dilla Day? RIP

Anonymous said...

Yes, Prime front-runner. I grew up in Michigan and went to Ohio State, so your point is Slow-esque.

--Drew

GMoney said...

When Grump boxes, he bare knuckles like Jack Dempsey. He probably calls himself a pugilist.

IF we ever get consistently good, I'm sure that it would be irritating since most of our fans are also Ohio fans and we already know how awful they are.

Prime99 said...

So you'd raise your son to like the CBJs? Because they are local?

Anonymous said...

G$ will have a girl and it will be hilarious.

Ide

GMoney said...

I will raise my child to Carry The Flag because that is what Uncle Sam wants. I ain't raisin' no terrorist.

Anonymous said...

If I had a kid I would assume it would grow up to be a CBJ fan. Those are the games the kid would attend...that's the team his friends would root for...I would not push him to the Red Wings. The kid would know that I was a Red Wings fan, but I wouldn't try to force that on him.

I think it's only natural to root for the team that the rest of the community around you roots for. Put it this way...if some kid was raised a Browns, Indians, Cavs fan because his Dad grew up in Cleveland...but, the kid rooted for all three of those teams while growing up in Texas. That kid is not going to have the same sort of appreciating if by some some miracle one of those teams won a championship that Cakes or Slow Seal would have...it's just not possible when you don't grow up in that area...going to those games...feeling the highs and lows with the other fans in your surroundings.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$ could be the surrogate father to my child on nights the Red Wings played the Poo Jackets. He could teach him the proper technique of flag carrying and how to properly enjoy fake cannon firing.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I agree that I cannot "force" my son to like any teams. He will be exposed to the teams I like early on, then like whoever he likes later on. I am definitely in on the idea of him liking my teams so we can share that, but in no way will I beat my Chicago leanings into him.

As long as he doesn't like the Yankees, Cowboys, and Lakers (all of them together), then he can like whoever.

But I'm not going to aggressively tell him to root for the Sharks, Giants, Niners and Kings. That's stupid.

Anonymous said...

Those are good teams to make sure he is not allowed to root for. It's a miracle that G$ wasn't a wigger being raised to be a Yankees fan in Ohio.

I'll put it another way...I think it's more important to sell the sport than the team. You don't want to raise a child like Slow Seal..for many reasons...but, one big one is that he thinks hockey is dumb. The easiest way to sell hockey is to take the kid to games...and more often than not...when the kid keeps going to games he's going to root for that team. That's why I think my kid would be a CBJ fan.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Li'l Boogie has RAIDERS FAN written all over him.

I don't want my kid to be a sheep though. So what if all of his/her friends root, root, root for the home team a la morons like Cakes. Be yourself. And if that doesn't work, you've got a hero at home that roots for winners.

But yeah, selling the sport is more important than selling the team. If my kid sees how happy (but 99% of the time furious and sad) my teams make me, they will fall in line and want to be a part of that misery.

GMoney said...

In other words, if my kid becomes a Tribe/Reds/Browns/Bengals/Ohio Buckeyes fan, someone should call social services because I am doing a terrible job (highly likely).

Anonymous said...

G$...Indy and Detroit are roughly the same distance....there are options.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I went to the Raider/Ravens AFC Championship game, that was enough for me. I won't go back. A's games are cool, though.

G$- I'm pretty sure one of us has a Raiders shirt, and it ain't me.

GMoney said...

Keep this to yourself but I'm Darth Raider.

GMoney said...

Warriors beat man says that Deng/Waiters for David Lee/Harrison Barnes is being rumored. No fucking clue why the Warriors would consider that but I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Anonymous said...

That would be an incredibly dumb trade by GS. You've got two of the best shooters in the game in Curry/Thompson...and you want a ball hog in Waiters and then another guy that is a scorer in Deng? Also giving up a fan favorite in Lee?

--Drew

GMoney said...

I would expect this from a Cavs reporter...shocked that it came from Tim Kawakami or whatever his nip name is.

Apparently, the want to role with Deng at the 4 and that sounds like a very bad idea.

On happier news: the CBJ just acquired Carter Camper from the Bruins. While this likely has zero impact on the big club this season, Camper was a STUD at Miami so it's nice to have more familiar roots in the pipeline.

Anonymous said...

Camper is a nice get. Shoring up our depf is exactly what we should be doing. Our 3rd and 4th lines have been playing great and this should help.

Also, kudos to Gaborik for sitting out Sochi. He'd rather carry our flag than his worthless country's. That's dedication!
.ide

Cakes said...

Golly gee, why would anyone root for the teams that represent where they are from? That sounds like anarchy to me.

Whenever I have a child, that kid will be force fed Ohio sports and I'll disown him/her/it if they come home in Cowboy or Yankee gear. Simple as that.

GMoney said...

There you go. Cakes demands that his future kid(s) be depressed forever. NICE PARENTING!