Tuesday, February 18, 2014

NBA Mount Rushmore


What Ace jerks off to every night.



Over the NBA All Star weekend, some NBA stars were asked who would be on their Mount Rushmore of NBA stars.  Shockingly, none of them put themselves on their own Mount but LeBron came the closest.  So I decided that would be a good post idea for today.  Not only will I be giving my Mount Rushmore, I will also be giving my Not Mount Rushmore.  The guys who have always been considered great but when you think about it, were pretty OVERRATED.  But first...my Mount Rushmore.

Michael Jordan - OBVZ.  Anyone who doesn't have Jordan on their Mount Rushmore is either being a facetious fuck wad, is from a country that has no running water and where they live in huts made of hay and goat shit or needs to be beaten senseless.  Jordan's only career flaw has been how poopy of an owner is he.  Well, and he got his dad murdered...and is a degenerate gambler...and his kids probably hate him.  Okay, so Jordan has his issues outside of being hands down the best basketball player to ever live.

Bill Russell - Anyone that can wear a championship ring on every finger and toe and still have one left over for his veiny python cock belongs on this Mount.  Russell's career numbers aren't eye popping but they're pretty damn good.   And I think he often gets forgotten about because of how good his supporting cast was.  But if idiots like G$ can say that Eli Manning is better than Peyton because he has more rings, then no one can argue with me thinking that Russell is the best center to ever play the game partly because of his rings.  So eat me.

Magic Johnson - Magic solely changed the way point guards play.  And he's responsible for the spike in condom sales in the 90s.  Trojan owes Magic Johnson a debt of gratitude.  The should have at least named a rubber after him.  Jerks.  Anyway...Magic could also score despite having one of the most atrocious looking shots I have ever fucking seen.  And yes...he roped in the championships almost as much as diseased pussy.  I wonder if he knows what chick gave him AIDS.  Does the woman know that she has it?  Does she know she's the one who gave it to him?  Does she use that to make money on the side?  Like...hanging out on corners holding a sign that says, "Come get AIDS from the pussy that gave it to Magic Johnson!"  There's still so many unanswered questions...

Larry Bird - I just find it astounding that Bird was able to put together the career he did.  He looks like the most unathletic glob of goo and the guy you would TOTES pick last on the playground.  But that God damn mustache!  Thing of beauty.  Part of the reason I put Bird on this list is because of his next level shit talking game.  There's a story out there that goes like this.  On Christmas day, Bird says to Chuck Person, "I have a Christmas present for you."  Bird then immediately drains a 3, turns to Person and says, "Merry Fuckin Christmas."  Gorgeous.  I've also read Bird saying that he didn't care who guarded him as long as it wasn't a white guy.  Because that was disrespectful to his game.  God, I hope that one is true.

Not Mount Rushmore

Patrick Ewing - The Ol' Sweat Bucket!  Ewing had to be the most disgusting player to play against in the history of the league.  He would run up and down the court twice and look like he just lifted himself out of a swimming pool. I bet he smelled like ham, too.  I have nothing to back that up.  Just a feeling.  There's a reason the Knicks never won a title while Ewing was there.  He just wasn't as good as everyone wanted to believe he was.  I bet Knick fans were secretly elated when Ewing finally left New York.

John Stockton/Karl Malone - They get a joint head on my Not Mount since those two love birds played almost their entire careers together without winning shit.  Couldn't find a way to pick and roll their way to a single God damn ring.  Did they make one finals appearance?  I don't need to check that.  I'm almost certain they only made it once while playing in Utah.  And that was when the Western Conference is what the Eastern Conference is present day.  Then that slob, Malone tried pulling a Gary Payton and winning a title the cheap as shit way late in his career with the Lakers.  Nice try, dick head.

Oscar Robertson - Yeah.  I'll say it.  OVERRATED.  This is why.  You mean to tell me in an era with about 95% white guys playing you can only muster one NBA title?  That's just unacceptable to me since he was probably the best player on the floor for the majority of his career.  It's no secret black guys are way more athletic than white guys.  Always have been and probably always will be.  And you can't parlay that advantage into more than one championship?  Triple double all you want Big O but you're only one title away from being in the same category as Fatrick Ewing.

Scottie Pippen - Never before has anyone executed coat tail riding better than Pippen.  The only reason Pippen has 6 titles is because Jordan was unguardable in the 90s.  Pippen had his chance to be the man in Chicago when Jordan decided to be a shit bag baseball player and even though Pippen put up numbers, he could never make the NBA finals without Michael.  He also became quite the diva cunt while Jordan was out humiliating himself on the baseball field.

There it is.  Pretty flawless on both ends if you ask me.  Good luck beating those because I know you can't.  I bet Prime and Larry's Mount Rushmore is Michael Jordan, Bill Wennington, Steve Kerr and B.J. Armstong.  G$'s is just Mark Price four times and Ace's has to be Gregg Popovich's four sexiest pop marks.  Sounds right.

36 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

Big O, MJ, Magic, Bird. I think the bigs are overrated. I would take Shaq over Russell, Wilt, or Kareem. Big O fucked around and averaged a triple double. Everyday was a good day.

I always find the Pippen argument tough. I have always been on team overrated, but have lessened in that over the years. Guy was the best defender in his era and showed his full range of skills when Jordan was gone. And you don't just lose the best player in the world and then win title's next year.

What is the Cavs Mt Rushmore? Assuming you can't pick active players...I have no fucking clue. Ehlo? Price?

The Pistons version had to have Sheed; right?

Anonymous said...

U know its Tuesday when black veiny cock is brought up.

Randall Stevens said...

For the pistons, I think Kelly Tripuka and Fennis Dembo have to be considered. George Blaha is a lock though.

But in all seriousness it's probably Lanier, Rodman, Dumars and Zeke.

Grumpy said...

You obviously never saw Oscar play.

Cavs Mt. Rushmore has to include Austin Carr and Ron Harper.

GMoney said...

Cavs Mount Rushmore is probably Austin Carr, Mark Price, Nate Thurmond, and I'm sorry but LeBron goes on there. Harp wasn't around long enough, Grump. Anthony Bennett is destined to be on this wall as well.

OVERRATED - Wilt Chamberlain, George Mikan (he ACTUALLY didn't play against the blacks), Steve Nash, and you

My personal Rushmore is 4 Harangody heads.

Randall Stevens said...

I didn't need to see Oscar play. In a world that is so boned up on championships and not gawdy numbers, everyone seems to be all over Big O's pole despite only having one ring. Even the rubes in this group value the ring over the stats. How can you put a guy as one of the 4 best ever with only one championship? You can't.

As far as Russell goes, he's responsible for at least half of those titles. Didn't he win something like 5 MVP Awards? Plus the guy has twice the titles of the person we all unanimously consider the best ever. Not including Russell just seems dumb to me.

Cavs Mount would be Danny Ferry, Luke Walton, Eric Snow and Craig Ehlo.

GMoney said...

To be fair to Robinson, he spent the majority of his career on teams like the Cincinnati Royals and the Milwaukee Bucks...not franchises known for their ELITE winning ways.

Bill Russell looks like a black Colonel Sanders so he is fine by me.

Most underrated player of all time = Hakeem Olajuwon

Jeff said...

Lebron, Lebron, Lebron, Lebron.

Mr. Ace said...

G$, I wanted to include The Dream soooo bad. He's another guy I would take over Russell, Wilt and Kareem. Crazy underrated. As is Tim Duncan.

And you can't have Lebron on the Cavs. He is active. He totes will be though.

I assume Big O didn't win multiple titles because the whites didn't want him to.

GMoney said...

Why can't I include him? LeBron still playing doesn't make him not one of the four best Cavs ever. That's stupid. Just like the guy who wrote this. Go shave HORRY into your hair.

Anonymous said...

Cavs: Carr, Z, Price, Daugherty

All Time - MJ, Larry, Magic, Big O.

Most Overrated All Time - Wilt, Barkley, Parrish, Laimbeer

Lebron will replace Oscar upon retirement... no doubt.

Seal

Prime99 said...

Mine is Bill Cartwright, Stacy King, Bill Wennington, and Luc Longley. Nice guess, though.

Anonymous said...

WHAT ABOUT ME???

--Jud Buechler

Grumpy said...

Harp wasn't there long enough? Nobody said anything about years of service as a qualification. If Jordan had played one year in Chicago he would still be the best Bull of all time.

If titles are the criteria then Bill Wennington belongs. Oscar is on the mountain and so is Jerry West.

Prime99 said...

Harper is not on the Cavs Rushmore. Take off your Miami (OH) colored glasses!

Great role player, though.

Prime99 said...

Also, Jud, you barely missed it. You can be on the Whitemore with John Paxon, Wennington, and Longley, though.

Anonymous said...

Jordan, Magic, Big O, Russell

Pistons...
Isiah, Joe D, Lanier, Wallace

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Prime, Harper was much more than a role player in his years with the Cavs. It was only after he blew out his knee in LA that he became more of a role player.

Prime99 said...

Oh, I know all about Harper... That's all Li'l G$ would talk about in elementary school! WEST IS BEST!

Grumpy said...

In 3 years in Cleveland Harper averaged:

19.3 ppg
4.6 rpg.
5.0 assist pg.
2.3 steals pg.

ROLE PLAYER THAT!

Anonymous said...

Aren't the Cavs retiring Z's number this year? One would think that makes him a lock for their Rushmore.

--Drew

Cakes said...

My NBA Rushmore is four Thunder Dan Majerle's.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Drew - hence why my Cavs Rushmore was spot on.

Grumpy, please stop with the Harper jokes.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Grump...even Kyrie shits on Harper as a Rushmore candidate.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, Ben or Sheed. It better be Sheed. BALL DON'T LIE. I would take Chauncey Billups over Joe D.

Anonymous said...

I love Sheed, but Ben was responsible for the identity of that team and he did win a record 4 DPOY's.

No way on Billups over Dumars.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Grump, please stop. You are embarrassing yourself.

Big Z is getting his jersey retired I think within the next few weeks.

Byron James Mullens is on the Rushmore of the Thunder, Bobcats, and Clippers.

GMoney said...

Billups gets downgraded because he never had a moron shave his name into his head. FACT.

Randall Stevens said...

G$ is right. Billups isn't shave worthy. By default he doesn't have a place on the Mount.

I can't justify Ben on the Piston Mount Rushmore over Rodman. Or even Rasheed. Rodman is already a HOF member, Rasheed will probably get in one day but I don't know if Ben will. I don't think he was good enough, long enough to warrant a spot. Kinda like Terrell Davis.

GMoney said...

Sheed a Hall of Famer? Wow, that can't be accurate, can it? He was no James "Buddha" Edwards or Jason "Hudda" Gerken.

Anonymous said...

Rodman's a HOF member also due to his seasons with other teams/rings. Ben would be getting in for his work with the Pistons...and that's why he'd get on my Rushmore over Rodman. Ben gets in over Rasheed because of Rasheed's stupid Game 5 foul against the Spurs that cost us Back to Back titles.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Sheed will get in as a coach.

Randall Stevens said...

When I say Sheed will probably get in some day, it will be down the road in a year when the class is weak. The big problem is he wasn't great at anything. Just really good in a couple things. Do I think he should be in the HOF? No. But something tells me it'll happen one day.

Randall Stevens said...

I still haven't forgiven Sheed for that game either, Drew.

GMoney said...

Uh, Sheed was ELITE at racking up technical fouls. Never forget.

By the way, I can't put Larry Legend on my Rushmore. This is basketball. And thus, to be fair, a white man is not needed as one of the four best players to ever live.

Jordan. Russell. Kareem. Shaq. Ya heard me! Great rapper.

Prime99 said...

Hilariously, a football Rushmore could be all white.