What Ace jerks off to every night.
Over the NBA All Star weekend, some NBA stars were asked who would be on their Mount Rushmore of NBA stars. Shockingly, none of them put themselves on their own Mount but LeBron came the closest. So I decided that would be a good post idea for today. Not only will I be giving my Mount Rushmore, I will also be giving my Not Mount Rushmore. The guys who have always been considered great but when you think about it, were pretty OVERRATED. But first...my Mount Rushmore.
Michael Jordan - OBVZ. Anyone who doesn't have Jordan on their Mount Rushmore is either being a facetious fuck wad, is from a country that has no running water and where they live in huts made of hay and goat shit or needs to be beaten senseless. Jordan's only career flaw has been how poopy of an owner is he. Well, and he got his dad murdered...and is a degenerate gambler...and his kids probably hate him. Okay, so Jordan has his issues outside of being hands down the best basketball player to ever live.
Bill Russell - Anyone that can wear a championship ring on every finger and toe and still have one left over for his veiny python cock belongs on this Mount. Russell's career numbers aren't eye popping but they're pretty damn good. And I think he often gets forgotten about because of how good his supporting cast was. But if idiots like G$ can say that Eli Manning is better than Peyton because he has more rings, then no one can argue with me thinking that Russell is the best center to ever play the game partly because of his rings. So eat me.
Magic Johnson - Magic solely changed the way point guards play. And he's responsible for the spike in condom sales in the 90s. Trojan owes Magic Johnson a debt of gratitude. The should have at least named a rubber after him. Jerks. Anyway...Magic could also score despite having one of the most atrocious looking shots I have ever fucking seen. And yes...he roped in the championships almost as much as diseased pussy. I wonder if he knows what chick gave him AIDS. Does the woman know that she has it? Does she know she's the one who gave it to him? Does she use that to make money on the side? Like...hanging out on corners holding a sign that says, "Come get AIDS from the pussy that gave it to Magic Johnson!" There's still so many unanswered questions...
Larry Bird - I just find it astounding that Bird was able to put together the career he did. He looks like the most unathletic glob of goo and the guy you would TOTES pick last on the playground. But that God damn mustache! Thing of beauty. Part of the reason I put Bird on this list is because of his next level shit talking game. There's a story out there that goes like this. On Christmas day, Bird says to Chuck Person, "I have a Christmas present for you." Bird then immediately drains a 3, turns to Person and says, "Merry Fuckin Christmas." Gorgeous. I've also read Bird saying that he didn't care who guarded him as long as it wasn't a white guy. Because that was disrespectful to his game. God, I hope that one is true.
Not Mount Rushmore
Patrick Ewing - The Ol' Sweat Bucket! Ewing had to be the most disgusting player to play against in the history of the league. He would run up and down the court twice and look like he just lifted himself out of a swimming pool. I bet he smelled like ham, too. I have nothing to back that up. Just a feeling. There's a reason the Knicks never won a title while Ewing was there. He just wasn't as good as everyone wanted to believe he was. I bet Knick fans were secretly elated when Ewing finally left New York.
John Stockton/Karl Malone - They get a joint head on my Not Mount since those two love birds played almost their entire careers together without winning shit. Couldn't find a way to pick and roll their way to a single God damn ring. Did they make one finals appearance? I don't need to check that. I'm almost certain they only made it once while playing in Utah. And that was when the Western Conference is what the Eastern Conference is present day. Then that slob, Malone tried pulling a Gary Payton and winning a title the cheap as shit way late in his career with the Lakers. Nice try, dick head.
Oscar Robertson - Yeah. I'll say it. OVERRATED. This is why. You mean to tell me in an era with about 95% white guys playing you can only muster one NBA title? That's just unacceptable to me since he was probably the best player on the floor for the majority of his career. It's no secret black guys are way more athletic than white guys. Always have been and probably always will be. And you can't parlay that advantage into more than one championship? Triple double all you want Big O but you're only one title away from being in the same category as Fatrick Ewing.
Scottie Pippen - Never before has anyone executed coat tail riding better than Pippen. The only reason Pippen has 6 titles is because Jordan was unguardable in the 90s. Pippen had his chance to be the man in Chicago when Jordan decided to be a shit bag baseball player and even though Pippen put up numbers, he could never make the NBA finals without Michael. He also became quite the diva cunt while Jordan was out humiliating himself on the baseball field.
There it is. Pretty flawless on both ends if you ask me. Good luck beating those because I know you can't. I bet Prime and Larry's Mount Rushmore is Michael Jordan, Bill Wennington, Steve Kerr and B.J. Armstong. G$'s is just Mark Price four times and Ace's has to be Gregg Popovich's four sexiest pop marks. Sounds right.