Friday, February 21, 2014

LIVE from The Fleshlight Studios, It's WORST CAKE!

Jesus titty-fucking Christ.
Welcome back to Worst Cake: the show where debate is not only embraced, it is ELITE. I’m your host, the honorable G$, and before we get back to part 7 of Ide’s review on this week’s episode of Girls, let’s head down to Tampa where our very own Cakes Coughlin is set to become a seaman for the weekend. Cakes?

(stares at camera without saying a word for ten seconds)

Cakes: Hello? Are we live? HELLO!
G$: Yes, Cakes, we can see and hear you.
Cakes: OK good…Thanks, G$, I’m down here in Tampa getting ready to board the Buckeye Cruise for Cancer down to Grand Cayman and back. By the time that this airs, we will have already departed but I wanted to give you an inside scoop from the SCARLET carpet.
G$: Wow, that’s terrific. However, you are putting a lot of faith in me that I actually purchased you a ticket for this and aren’t just going to laugh at you standing on the dock as the ship pulls away.
Cakes: I never thought about that. Oh. O-H! SWING AND A DRIVE! UH-WAY BACK!
G$: Get back to the point, homo.
Cakes: Yes, of course, here are the interviews I conducted with some of the former great Buckeyes that are going on the cruise with a few thousand intelligent Buckeye fans!

Cakes: I’m here with Super Bowl winning LB, AJ Hawk. AJ, obviously your wife Laura is a gorgeous horse but have you ever been able to forgive her for wearing a half Buckeye/half Irish jersey? Or do you give her the old Ray Rice treatment wink wink?
Hawk: Why did you say the wink wink part. I do not beat my wife. I’m out of here.
Cakes: Yeah, see you on board! We can karaoke some Hang On Sloopy!
Hawk: DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME.

Cakes: I’m being joined by ESPN analyst and former RB Robert Smith. Weren’t you supposed to be a doctor? What happened to that?
Smith: It didn’t work out.
Cakes: Great! What is your opinion on the Indians bullpen this year? I’ve got a darn good feeling about John “The Ax Man” Axford!
(Smith rolls his eyes and walks away)

Cakes: Oh my God. Oh my God. COACH!
Urban Meyer: Hello, son. Is this a Make-A-Wish thing?
Cakes: You have no idea how often I’ve dreamed of this moment.
Urban: Hey, that’s great.
(Urban shits a pre-heart attack fart and walks away; effectively crop dusting Cakes who does not mind at all)
Shelley Meyer: We’re doing a lot of great things aboard the cruise, Cakes. So much money is being raised for cancer research.
Cakes: No one cares about that. Tell our viewers what Coach Meyer wears to bed. Does he get morning wood? I’d bet it is as strong as Grumpy’s Oak. Can I stay the night at your house?
(Shelley queefs and walks away; effectively crop dusting Cakes who does not mind at all)

Cakes: OH MY GOD ITS BRUTUS BUCKEYE! BRUTUS! OVER HERE! (shrieks like a teenage girl seeing The Beatles for the first time)
Brutus: (takes off head to reveal normal person) For Christ sake, you’re a grown man. Grow the fuck up.

Cakes: Well well well, what a treat. Craig Krenzel, CHAMPIONSHIP QUARTERBACK, how are you?
Krenzel: Doing great. Don’t forget to buy your next pair of boots at Rod’s Western Palace. Look for the Cowboy in the Sky and tell them that Circle K sent you!
Cakes: Done! I’ve got a molecular genetics question for you and how it relates to the weather if you have the time.

Krenzel: What’s that? Can’t hear you.
Cakes: But you’re standing right here next to me.
Krenzel: HOLY BUCKEYE!
Cakes: HOLY BUCKEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!

Cakes: We’re joined now by Scoonie Penn who my notes say used to play basketball for the Buckeyes. That must have been a blast!
Scoonie: Yes I did.
Cakes: Now I don’t know anything about basketball but I did just build a bar in my basement. What kind of lacquer would you use for a bar top?
Scoonie: Malt lacquer.
Cakes: I'm sure that that gives it a great SHINE.

Cakes: Archie Griffin, how the heck are you doing? Do you even know how to swim? Just kidding. (pulls out 3 inch thick binder) Now in my latest Cakes RB Rankings, I have you ahead of Antonio Pittman but very far behind Carlos Hyde. Any chance you can make up ground on the greatest running back that ever lived?
(Archie chucks binder into the Gulf of Mexico)

Cakes: Oh boy, here comes trouble! Chris Spielman! Or as I like to call you, the Best LB in Football History!
Spielman: I’m flattered, son, but I really want to talk about the great things that the Urban and Shelley Meyer Fund is doing for cancer research. Also, I’m here to continue to spread the word of Jesus Christ—
Cakes: Keep walking. No, we’re good here. Bye.

Cakes: Our final guest on the scarlet carpet is none other than Kirk Herbstreit. Kirk, in my opinion, you are a great big phony and an embarrassment to our state. You bring great shame to all of us.

Kirk: Is that so? Tell me this: did you play football here? Did you graduate from here? Do you donate any money to the school? I am so sick of this crap from you and the rest of the mouth-breathers. I have a JOB to do. ESPN pays me to analyze college football. I don’t get paid to be a homer. You make me puke. It’s not me that “embarrasses” Ohio State. It is YOU.
Cakes: FAKE. BUCKEYE.

Cakes: Well G$, that about does it for me. It’s time for me to hoist the anchors and set sail with a great group of fans and heroes for some five star fun all for a good cause! Here you go, my good man.
Ticket-taker: Ummmm, sir, this is a Marcos Pizza menu. It is not a ticket to come on board the ship. I’m sorry but you will not be able to board and I would really like to know how you thought that this was a cruise passport.

G$: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! FUCK YOU CAKES! I got you good! Feel free to walk back from Tampa, jerk! As you can see, Ohio Buckeye Football fans are still the dumbest people on the planet. Coming up next, was Jackie Robinson ELITE? You’ll be surprised by the answer. Stay tuned for more Worst Cake after this advertisement for the Fleshlight.

41 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wait, that Buckeye cruise is a thing? I thought that was a joke. Fucking Kurt Coleman and his newly minted white wife are on that for there honeymoon.

I was really looking forward to my Girls review.

USA better make up or this at noon.

Ife

Anonymous said...

Too early toooo spell names

Mr. Ace said...

Malt lacquer! BOOM.

Grumpy said...

Cakes is the best.

Grumpy said...

Can we get a consensus on a time for Ribfest?

Randall Stevens said...

I was really upset you didn't have Kurt Coleman get trucked by someone in here. I feel you really missed on a golden opportunity. Other than that...flawless work.

GMoney said...

Cakes only interviews superstars. Blame him.

After watching our ladies deep throat all the foot long dicks yesterday, I have a bad feeling about America today.

Good call, Grump. How does six work for everyone? March 8th remember.

Mr. Ace said...

6? How about 2 so we can get some quality day drinking in and then have our nightcap at Kahoots/Hollywood. And starting at 6 will likely be way past Grumps bedtime.

Anonymous said...

Great interview. I bet Shelly Meyer's queefs smell great. You should have let Cakes interview the Meyer daughters...great creep opportunity.

I'd go on the Buckeye Cruise for Cancer, but I think the people on it would creep even me out a bit.

--Drew

Jeff said...

Malt lacquer! BOOM

What Ace said. That is one of the greatest lines ever. Moneyshot HOF material. Well done.

FUCK YOU CAKES

Anonymous said...

I could do 2...could not do 6 as I have an open bar birthday bash to attend that evening downtown. Don't plan around me tho.

--Drew

Randall Stevens said...

Any time is good for me.

But isn't EVERY Buckeye a super star according to Cakes??

MuDawgfan said...

Johnny Football at the combine.

5'11 - 207
Not good...

GMoney said...

I only through out 6 as a time to eat not for when the festivities would start. It's up to you guys. Book a time. Wife already knows that I'm gone all day on the 8th no matter what.

Finding a pic of Krenzel with a confused look on his face was really hard. Bastard is always smiling.

GMoney said...

By the way, Buck-I-Guy is the worst person on Earf. Worse than Ide. His rivalry with Li'l Poopson is legendary. I wish LP still lived around here so I could listen to him talk shit about the black cowboy some more.

Prime99 said...

Fantastic G$! High production value and Super HOT CAEKS!

Why did you cut away before the Cakes/G$ fight in the vein of Peter Griffin and the Big Chicken?

Anonymous said...

If I had five snipes....one of them would be used on Buck-I-Guy.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Actually....G$, Randall or Ape....that "five snipes" thing would be a good topic here one day.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Fuck off, Drew, I still have not forgiven you for thinking that UNC storming the floor last night is acceptable because the kiddies were having fun. Act like you've won a game before because, you know, you've won two national titles in the last decade. It's not like it was a buzzer beater. STAY OFF THE FUCKING FLOOR.

Ape, can we get a ruling on that?

Cakes said...

I feel like my interview skillz are at an all time high. My favorite parts were making fun of religion and giving Herbie the business.

Grumpy said...

Dinner reservations at 6:00. I plan on being there by 5:00 for schmoozing.

Drew, you had some flimsy excuse last year and missed dinner. Whose birthday is more important than us? You're worse than Cakes.

Anonymous said...

Grumps...I might be in for schmoozing hour...have to see.

G$...I'm sticking with that being a legit court storming.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Cakes, you are not afraid to ask the tough questions. No softballs from you. I knew that you and Spiels would have a rough time. Not a lot of common ground there unless you are very interested in Pioneer Energy.

GMoney said...

Drew is always coming up with excuses. Let's face FACTs here: he is big timing us. He probably doesn't even like ribs. Total pussy IMO.

Anonymous said...

G$....you don't like ribs, because if you didn't have any you would be able to suck your own dick all the time.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Drew's birthday bash should go down with Cakes cat birthday or whatever it was. You tell your friend with the open bar that you're bringing + 9 and that's that.

Or, you know, don't be a fag and go.

Ide

Cakes said...

Really hope you send me to some other big events. I feel like my reporting career could really take off from the exposure.

If you guys are day drinking before dinner on the 8th, let me know. I'm going to have a hangover to deal with from the night before. It's really fun to get away from the wife for a weekend and become a raging alcoholic. Looking forward to it.

GMoney said...

Typical Drool...resorting to self-love jokes when he's been bested by a superior man. We'll be showing up to your birthday party at The Plugged Nickel. You'll be there in plenty of time before your first shift at the glory hole.

Anonymous said...

I'm out for Ribfest unfortunately. Mom's retirement party back in the Nap. I'm sure this will rank highly in the "Excuses to miss Ribfest" category.

Carlos Santana is the Ax Man. Seriously that is his nickname. Not sure why either. Cakes should know that.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Plugged Nickel closed down brah...years ago.

Zetterberg out 8 weeks...that should help the Wings out...fuck.

--Drew

GMoney said...

It will always be open in your burning loins.

I think that "mom's retirement party" is an acceptable excuse when you've attended every blog-related event previously. Plus, you told me about this a month ago so it's not like you had a random pollen attack.

Mr. Ace said...

I'm not gonna lie, I did enjoy the storming against Duke last night...because I love every bad thing that happens to Duke. Having said that, still not a righteous storm. UNC lost those privileges. Only way it would be acceptable is if Coach K got trampled.

I am down for some/alot of daydrinking.

Anonymous said...

Hockey is OUR sport. I love how the American public pays attention for 15 minutes every 4 years. This ain't gonna end well for this American squad that's clearly played over their heads this week. We are just a superior hockey country. I'm envisioning this game ending 4-0 with absolutely no drama in the last 10 minutes. GO CANUCKS!!!

Bill Wennington

GMoney said...

Well, Bill, halfway through and it's 1-0 Gravy Fries.

GMoney said...

1-0 Rob Ford after 2. America is making me sad.

Cakes said...

I just re-read my own interview and kind of missed the molecular gentics question and how it related to the weather. SOLID REPORTING! Krenzel needs to answer those kind of... HOLY BUCKEYYYYYEEEEEE!

The Americans better wake the fuck up if they want me, the fringiest of fringe fan, to care about hockey for another two days. It's really the only thing that makes the Olympics entertaining. Well that and Ice Dancing.

GMoney said...

Goddamn Dustin Brown...I blame him entirely for our loss. Jack Johnson would have led us to gold.

I am happy for Rob Ford though. That man deserves this.

Anonymous said...

I downed about six Schaefer's at lunch for the game. Also, I found a place that sells Schaeffer's.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Please explain exactly how failure tastes. I can't possibly describe the level of satisfaction/elation seeing American hockey "fans" bitch & moan about a game they don't even understand. You losers will probably lose the bronze medal game too.
Go Canada!!

Bill Wennington

GMoney said...

You better watch your ass, Billy Boy, or someone is going to get sodomized with the flag that I constantly carry to perfection.

Anonymous said...

G$-Kudos for a fantastic post! Just hilarious! The Scooniee malt lacquer line might be the best line in the history of the internet

Buke