|Jesus titty-fucking Christ.|
(stares at camera without saying a word for ten seconds)
Cakes: Hello? Are we live? HELLO!
G$: Yes, Cakes, we can see and hear you.
Cakes: OK good…Thanks, G$, I’m down here in Tampa getting ready to board the Buckeye Cruise for Cancer down to Grand Cayman and back. By the time that this airs, we will have already departed but I wanted to give you an inside scoop from the SCARLET carpet.
G$: Wow, that’s terrific. However, you are putting a lot of faith in me that I actually purchased you a ticket for this and aren’t just going to laugh at you standing on the dock as the ship pulls away.
Cakes: I never thought about that. Oh. O-H! SWING AND A DRIVE! UH-WAY BACK!
G$: Get back to the point, homo.
Cakes: Yes, of course, here are the interviews I conducted with some of the former great Buckeyes that are going on the cruise with a few thousand intelligent Buckeye fans!
Cakes: I’m here with Super Bowl winning LB, AJ Hawk. AJ, obviously your wife Laura is a gorgeous horse but have you ever been able to forgive her for wearing a half Buckeye/half Irish jersey? Or do you give her the old Ray Rice treatment wink wink?
Hawk: Why did you say the wink wink part. I do not beat my wife. I’m out of here.
Cakes: Yeah, see you on board! We can karaoke some Hang On Sloopy!
Hawk: DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME.
Cakes: I’m being joined by ESPN analyst and former RB Robert Smith. Weren’t you supposed to be a doctor? What happened to that?
Smith: It didn’t work out.
Cakes: Great! What is your opinion on the Indians bullpen this year? I’ve got a darn good feeling about John “The Ax Man” Axford!
(Smith rolls his eyes and walks away)
Cakes: Oh my God. Oh my God. COACH!
Urban Meyer: Hello, son. Is this a Make-A-Wish thing?
Cakes: You have no idea how often I’ve dreamed of this moment.
Urban: Hey, that’s great.
(Urban shits a pre-heart attack fart and walks away; effectively crop dusting Cakes who does not mind at all)
Shelley Meyer: We’re doing a lot of great things aboard the cruise, Cakes. So much money is being raised for cancer research.
Cakes: No one cares about that. Tell our viewers what Coach Meyer wears to bed. Does he get morning wood? I’d bet it is as strong as Grumpy’s Oak. Can I stay the night at your house?
(Shelley queefs and walks away; effectively crop dusting Cakes who does not mind at all)
Cakes: OH MY GOD ITS BRUTUS BUCKEYE! BRUTUS! OVER HERE! (shrieks like a teenage girl seeing The Beatles for the first time)
Brutus: (takes off head to reveal normal person) For Christ sake, you’re a grown man. Grow the fuck up.
Cakes: Well well well, what a treat. Craig Krenzel, CHAMPIONSHIP QUARTERBACK, how are you?
Krenzel: Doing great. Don’t forget to buy your next pair of boots at Rod’s Western Palace. Look for the Cowboy in the Sky and tell them that Circle K sent you!
Cakes: Done! I’ve got a molecular genetics question for you and how it relates to the weather if you have the time.
Krenzel: What’s that? Can’t hear you.
Cakes: But you’re standing right here next to me.
Krenzel: HOLY BUCKEYE!
Cakes: HOLY BUCKEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!
Cakes: We’re joined now by Scoonie Penn who my notes say used to play basketball for the Buckeyes. That must have been a blast!
Scoonie: Yes I did.
Cakes: Now I don’t know anything about basketball but I did just build a bar in my basement. What kind of lacquer would you use for a bar top?
Scoonie: Malt lacquer.
Cakes: I'm sure that that gives it a great SHINE.
Cakes: Archie Griffin, how the heck are you doing? Do you even know how to swim? Just kidding. (pulls out 3 inch thick binder) Now in my latest Cakes RB Rankings, I have you ahead of Antonio Pittman but very far behind Carlos Hyde. Any chance you can make up ground on the greatest running back that ever lived?
(Archie chucks binder into the Gulf of Mexico)
Cakes: Oh boy, here comes trouble! Chris Spielman! Or as I like to call you, the Best LB in Football History!
Spielman: I’m flattered, son, but I really want to talk about the great things that the Urban and Shelley Meyer Fund is doing for cancer research. Also, I’m here to continue to spread the word of Jesus Christ—
Cakes: Keep walking. No, we’re good here. Bye.
Cakes: Our final guest on the scarlet carpet is none other than Kirk Herbstreit. Kirk, in my opinion, you are a great big phony and an embarrassment to our state. You bring great shame to all of us.
Kirk: Is that so? Tell me this: did you play football here? Did you graduate from here? Do you donate any money to the school? I am so sick of this crap from you and the rest of the mouth-breathers. I have a JOB to do. ESPN pays me to analyze college football. I don’t get paid to be a homer. You make me puke. It’s not me that “embarrasses” Ohio State. It is YOU.
Cakes: FAKE. BUCKEYE.
Cakes: Well G$, that about does it for me. It’s time for me to hoist the anchors and set sail with a great group of fans and heroes for some five star fun all for a good cause! Here you go, my good man.
Ticket-taker: Ummmm, sir, this is a Marcos Pizza menu. It is not a ticket to come on board the ship. I’m sorry but you will not be able to board and I would really like to know how you thought that this was a cruise passport.
G$: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! FUCK YOU CAKES! I got you good! Feel free to walk back from Tampa, jerk! As you can see, Ohio Buckeye Football fans are still the dumbest people on the planet. Coming up next, was Jackie Robinson ELITE? You’ll be surprised by the answer. Stay tuned for more Worst Cake after this advertisement for the Fleshlight.