Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I Will Remember Youuuuuuuuu

New Kids On The Block had a bunch of hits.  Chinese Food makes me sick.
Well, I'll be fucking damned...the cold spell is finally breaking.  The horrible ice-covered foot of snow in my yard is retreating and it's about fucking time.  My dog and I haven't been able to comfortably shit outside for two weeks.  I think that it is pretty obvz why the weather is becoming more human-friendly again...pitchers and catchers have reported to Spring Training!  LOL, j/k, I'm not one of those weirdos that gets pumped about this but is a weak segue to today's post in which I address a few baseball topics that have almost nothing to do with the on-field product!

*Derek Jeter's Last Hurrah - How have I not written about this yet?  I may have thrown up one comment on the day that #2 announced that 2014 would be it for him, but that simply will not do.  I always laugh when ignorant people say stupid things like "Jeter is the most OVERRATED player EVER" because it is really dumb.  The guy has the most hits in the history of the world's most successful and decorated franchise.  He has won 5 World Series titles.  We all know about his ELITE bedroom prowess (YEAH JEETS and post-coital gift baskets, BRAH!) but it can't be said enough: Derek Jeter has crushed a lot of A+ ass.  Jeter is like Spinal Tap.  He doesn't just plow 10s, he slays 11s.  Honestly, I think that we all will miss him when he's gone.  If you like baseball at all, then Derek Jeter has been in your life for a long ass time and I'll laugh really hard if someone tries to say that they hate the guy. 

I hope that Jeter can stay healthy and have a good farewell season.  He deserves it.  But if you think that we are going to get strangled with another Mariano-like retirement tour, then think again.  That isn't his style at all.  I'm sure that he'll wave to all of the crowds but there will be no ceremonies.  And he will bed the finest ladies in every city that he plays in.  That is a FACT.  THAT is how Jeets tours...penis first.  By the way, his last regular season game will be played in Boston.  Tickets to that game are going for more than Opening Day at Fenway when they get their World Series rings.  That says it all.  This will not be the last time that I reflect on Derek Jeter this season.  DEAL WITH IT.

*Kate Upton makes horrible choices - You know how I know that Kate Upton is a moo cow and gutter trash?  Because Jeter hasn't fucked her.  Instead, she is back to wasting her time having Goosetown slap and tickles with Justin Verlander again.  I don't know why these little kids have to act so coy.  If you don't want people to know that you are OBVIOUSLY fucking, then stop showing up everywhere together and Tweeting at each other.  YOU ARE AWFUL ACTORS.  Receiving Jut's Slim Jim is probably why Fatty Fat Fat isn't on the cover of the SI Swimsuit Issue this year.  That is her punishment for making such a horrible life choice.  Too many fourth meals with the Goochland High alum.  Her career is over.  Big jugs doesn't make up for being involved with a season ticket holder at Talladega.

Speaking of SI, does the swimsuit issue even matter any more?  Don't get me wrong, I'll still check out some pics online simply because of tradition, but who really cares?  And another thing, Chrissy Teigen seems like a cool broad and all that but she has a really weird face.  WOULD NOT BANG.  Yes I would.

*The Indians are a fucking joke - Today's final topic will be another instance of Believeland running their franchise horribly.  Ubaldo Jiminez, even with his occasional spotty control, is at worst a #2 starter.  We can all agree on that, right?  He is 30 years old and thus has at least 5 more good years barring injury.  He had a 3.30 ERA last year on a garbage team.  Ubaldo just signed a 4 year/48 million dollar deal with the Orioles who just STOLE him at that price.  Starting pitching is never, ever cheap.  12 million for a still-in-prime front of the rotation arm is a home run.

Look, Cleveland fans, there is no excuse at all for letting him walk at that price.  You spent more than that on average players like Swish and Bourn last winter and now, when you want to compete for division titles and actually playoff births, you're going back to being cheap.  DUMB.  I'm not even sure that the Indians made an offer.  BAD.  Boy, I hope that your no-name flukes from last year can do it again and be the first ever to do so.

Hmmmmm...those takes got a little hotter than I was expecting.  But then again, there is never a bad time to rip on Jut and Indians fans (pretty much the same people).  Now that you've finished today's post, please collect your gift basket and GTFO.

44 comments:

Anonymous said...

Blogger erasing my comments. Or some faggy admin.

Upton was spotted with Verlander all SB weekend. A couple hideous pictures with her on his lap made the paper. Ugh.

Anyways, I have acquired all Indians/Tigers games at Yankee Stadium from my buddy with season tickets. Supposedly good seats too.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

I like Jeter and his herpes.

Kate Funbags really has a thing for hillbilly trash. I bet she blows Tigers fans in the bathrooms. That doesn't change her hotness.

Chrissy Teigen is a great Twitter follow with a nonweird face. Fuck outta here with that, G$.

Indians fans and G$ are pretty much the same people. G$ accepts Daniel Snyder moves and tries to convince himself they aren't terrible, just like Indians fans.

Randall Stevens said...

Yeah Jeets! I probably LOL'ed for a full solid day when I heard that on the Jim Rome show. I wonder if the Yankees will send off Ol' #2 with a post career gift basket in the same manner Jeets sends his freshly boned ladies off with? God, I hope so. I guess retiring will give Jeets more time to film The Other Guys 2.

GMoney said...

He was pretty terrific as "the source" in The Other Guys 1. SPOILER ALERT.

Teigen has a weird face, bro. It's like really wide or something. Not as wide as Upton's trashy birthing hips though. MOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Please. Skins fans and Indians fans are only similar because of our love for racist team names and logos. We always spend money in poor fashion. They never spend any.

Ide hoarding Yankees tickets. As Sheikie would say..."intelligent Jew".

Anonymous said...

You have officially lost any small bit of credibility you had with me by calling Kate Upton, fat. OK, buddy.

I will be back in a little bit to destroy the rest of this LOLZ post.

You sir are worse than Grumpy today.

Seal

GMoney said...

What would you call the whale that voluntarily swallows Verlander? "Hot"? I think not. I'm over her because my sworn enemy is under her.

Can't wait for you to come back and defend Dolan's Discounts! Just remember that you could have kept your front end of the rotation starter through the end of his prime for less than Matt Garza. You will not win this argument. You will not come close.

Jeff said...

Jeet won't make the farewell tour because he will be on a year long rehab stint do to his 10th injury in the last 2 years. Roids sure do break your body down. BOOM!

With you on Teigen, smoking bod, but not feeling her face. Looks like a nice skeet target though.

GMoney said...

By the way, I watched Slap Shot last night for the first time in 5+ years. Really lost it on this line:

You know, your son looks like a fag to me. You better get married again, 'cause he's gonna wind up with somebody's cock in his mouth before you can say "Jack Robinson".--Reg Dunlop

Anonymous said...

Varlamov really shit the bed for the commies today. Is anyone else taking a very extended lunch break today at noon to Join the International Battle?

Ide

GMoney said...

It is wide enough. She has the face of a Byz Lats rape victim on The Shield. Not a compliment.

Anonymous said...

G$ must really think he's fucking his pornstars when he's jerking off to them, if he thinks he can take shots at the hotness of the last two SI cover models. Jut>G&....FOEVA.

I do look forward to Slow Seal's attempt to "destroy" G$'s logic on Usucko (he's still worth that coin). I haven't disagreed much with Slow Seal lately...hopefully, that ends today.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Kate Upton is heavier than Prince Fielder who, ironically, Jut was also fucking.

Anonymous said...

Kate Upton is also a Walmart Wolverine. Chrissy Teigen is a Big Lot Buckeye, so clearly she is the better one. (those are both FACTS, btw)

Kate will be YUGE after she gives birth. She is still young and hot, but we've ALL known those girls who held out until like 25 then the bottom fell out.

Her days are numbered. Chrissy wins because she is pushing 30 and still ELITE.

Ide

GMoney said...

Fun FACT: Kate Upton's legendary Antarctica shoot was not planned. They saw her bathing off the coast and thought that they would give it a shot. Verlander is a loser.

Also a loser is Russia. Ovi is such a failure. Why would you not start the best goalie on the planet EVERY game??? Second most talented team over there and they lose in the quarters. LOL! Now let's get our CBJ back before Putin sends out the KGB.

GMoney said...

Still on pins and needles for these Seal takes...

Cakes said...

Fucking please. Ubaldo had a good four months after 2 seasons of HOT GARBAGE. He is always one pitch away from lighting his next dumpster fire.

I would've liked him to stick around and see if you could build on that good second half but I'm not going to throw the towel in on the season because UBALDO isn't on the staff anymore. I'm just fine with Masty, McCallister, Kluber and Salazar.

Prime99 said...

As the Cubs are staring another 90 loss season in the face (IN THE FACE!) it is hard to get too excited. I'll be interested to see Theo and Jed's plan continue, but I don't foresee it going well in 2014.

I'm not sure about the Uballzdoh deal for the Oreos. I'm starting to think big deals are pointless, and building through the farm is the best way. Who knows? I do like keeping guys who prove themselves, but I'm unsure he qualifies. Oh well, glad I don't like the Tribe!

Anonymous said...

Is it thursday yet?

Anonymous said...

Prime...4 yrs/$48M for a solid starter is absolutely not a "big deal".

Cakes....Non Indian/AL Central fans just looked at the starters you listed and wondered who they were. That's not a good sign.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Exactly. You're closer to the White Sox with that rotation than you are the Trash.

It took you morons a year to figure out how to fix the guy's mechanics and once you did, he was extremely reliable. That's a YOU problem (Colin T).

Church it up however you like to make yourself feel better, but your front office failed you again.

Anonymous said...

This team is scary good. It's barely in the second period and we are already up 4-1. Friday against Canada will be bigger than Kate Upton in 10 years, amirite?

Ide

GMoney said...

I still hope that Dustin Brown gets seriously injured. AMERICA.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't mind him slashing Jeff Carter a couple times on Friday. Pro Bowl style.

Ide

Jeff said...

Yea, letting UBo walk was not good. Plus, what are going to do with Masterson next year? He's gonna want 5-6 yrs for /12-15 mil per at least.

Your front office is sitting and getting fat off all the cash there is in the MLB while you shit bird fans just accept their bullshit reasoning for everything. You gotta fucking spend big money in this league if you wanna win (WS and Pennants, not fucking wildcards) and win consistently

Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeff said...

It's not your money, so quit acting like it is.

GMoney said...

Thank you, Jeffrey. It will take a miracle for any team to win a series while pinching pennies. You had your fluke run with nobodies last year. Good luck watching them regress to the mean this year and wondering what is going wrong. Because you're tto dumb to know the answer, I will tell you: you pay for the consistency. When you rely on "Young Guns II" you are going to be mediocre.

FUCK YOU CAKES

GMoney said...

It's not your money, so quit acting like it is.

Never forget this. It is why I'm very pleased with the Yankees offseason. They've gotten better everywhere but 2B. Plus, I'm not the one paying them. Improvement is what matters. People not named me can deal with the fallout of the cost.

YOU ARE LOSERS AND ALWAYS WILL BE.

Anonymous said...

This Latvian goalie is playing fucking lights out. He is getting rained on and not giving up a thing. It is a miracle that they are tied. Their offense is complete dogshit, but if they get out of this period alive, they could upset the Canucks before they run into an AMERICAN BRICK WALL.

Ide

Cakes said...

Yeah, relying on young and talented pitchers is the worst! You have to sign unreliable mental veterans to get anywhere in this league.

I understand that it isn't the fans money but not every club can throw around $50 million at the drop of a hat. I don't think he's worth that kind of money. Certainly not looking at his track record the last three seasons. You guys act like he's the second coming of Cy Young. It's hilarious.

If Masterson has the kind of year he is capable of having, the team will pony up. The Indians have shown they will spend money if it's worth it.

Keep letting your hilarious Tribe hate cloud your judgement though.

I just put $100 on the Indians over/under of 80.5 games. That's free money right there.

Anonymous said...

Cakes...once again...4 yrs/$48M is not a lot of money for starting pitching. Fucking 37yr old A.J. Burnett just signed a 1yr/$16M deal.

--Drew

Cakes said...

It's a lot of money if it's not worth it. If he is such an amazing pitcher, why did he sit in pitcher purgatory ALL OFFSEASON? I'll answer it for you. He's mediocre at best.

GMoney said...

Drew, don't bother. That moron doesn't understand what it takes to be a consistent contender. Flash in the pan? OH HE GOT THAT ON LOCK!

Guess what, chach? EVERY fan base thinks that their young arms are loaded with talent. Here's some truth: almost all of them will fall short of your expectations.

Ubaldo is a #2 starter at the very least, just turned 30, was really good once his mechanics were fixed, and came dirt cheap. You didn't even make an offer. BAD ORGANIZATION.

A poorer team (MIL) just gave a worse pitcher (Garza) more money. You are wrong and this was REALLY stupid of you.

GMoney said...

He had to wait because he wanted nine figures (plus Tanaka delayed everyone). But the market dried up and he was the one left holding the bag. That isn't hard to figure out for a normal person.

Oh well, at least he is going somewhere now that has actually been to the playoffs recently and even won a game!

Anonymous said...

Cakes still can't comprehend that "amazing" pitchers don't make $12M a year...that is what you pay for OK starting pitching. He has no idea what the cost of starting pitching is in MLB.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Homer Bailey just signed for 6 years and 105 million dollars. Does that make your head explode, Cakes? Or can you GIVE IT A REST and realize that if you can throw even reasonably well, you are going to get paid.

Keep pumping up that Clippers staff though, bruh.

Anonymous said...

Hey fags - sorry so late today.

You're right about Ubaldo - we should have been able to match that offer, but I wouldnt have gone much higher. He was pretty damn good the second half of last year, and our pitching staff is VERY VERY mediocre and unproven right now. Ultimately - Cakes is being a big time homer here and is jealous, just like me that our tight wad owners wont pony up money for pitching, EVER. We just dont pay pitchers and it makes me fucking sick.

Now what I do think is a crock of shit is your Jeter talk. While I totally respect the dude and hate him at the same time, this fucking charade we are going to watch again this year is going to be stupid. Dont give me the bullshit that he isnt going out like Mariano - of course he is. If he didnt want the "show", then he wouldnt have announced it when he did. He would have waiting until the year was over to say he was done.

ALSO, yes dude is known for fucking mass amounts of pussy which is awesome - especially all the good stories about the basket of gifts and shit he gives them. That being said, I have actually seen and met his "Cleveland" girl (she is a friend of a friend) with J from J Beanie, and she is hardly anything to brag about. She was probably hot 15 YEARS AGO. Platinum blonde that was closing in on 40 and looks like she had been tanning for 30 years. Looked old and beat up. If that's his style, then I am actually not jealous.

I dont care who Kate Upton is fucking, she is gorgeous. Will she be fat in 10 years? Potentially but I could give two shits. She is incredible today.

Seal

Cakes said...

The Tribe is making the playoffs again. We won 92 games last year with 3 players posting WAY under their normal numbers (Asdrubal, Bourn and Brohio). If the pitching can even come close to what it was last season, that offensive infusion puts us right back in the thick of things again.

Maybe the Tribe knows something and were getting out in front of it. Can't wait to see the comments when Ubaldo falls back down the mental rabbit hole.

GMoney said...

Good to see that even Seal recognizes how stupid Cakes is when it comes to the Tribe.

3 guys posted below their averages! Hey, that's great, but what about the other 22 that went uncharacteristically HAM last season. Probably going to keep it up, right? Ryan Raburn is a lock for the teens in HR again! YOU ARE DUMB.

Jeter announced it now so that he doesn't have to answer questions all year about it (since his contract is up after this season). That makes sense as he wants to win one more ring before he leaves while not trying to be too much of a distraction. He will be, no doubt, but at least now we know that good or bad season, he is done and we can prepare likewise. But no, do not expect big ceremonies everywhere we go. That is not his style at all.

Did you ever think that everyone in CLE is ugly and he has to make due???

Anonymous said...

I can validate that Jeter’s C-Town snizz was boot, even by CLE standards. Sure he has the most hits in the history of the world's most successful and decorated franchise but he rodded the biggest MISS in the whole Rut Belt. RG3 has banged dudes that looked hotter.

J from JBeanie

Cakes said...

That's 3 of our BEST players that didn't meet their averages and they STILL won 92 games. If those guys return to form, that's another 5 wins right there.

Fuck it. We're going undefeated this season.

I feel like there should be some baseball wagers made before the season starts. Make the season a little more interesting.

Anything to do with the Yankees makes my skin crawl so I refuse to talk about Jeter or any other of those overpaid mercenaries except to say that they miss the playoffs this season.

GMoney said...

Those players aren't anything more than average. Nice try.

GMoney said...

And my caption/pic combo today is DIVINE. ELITE 90's boy band reference!

Prime99 said...

That dude died. LFO, right? Pretty sure it was cancer from MSG.