|New Kids On The Block had a bunch of hits. Chinese Food makes me sick.|
*Derek Jeter's Last Hurrah - How have I not written about this yet? I may have thrown up one comment on the day that #2 announced that 2014 would be it for him, but that simply will not do. I always laugh when ignorant people say stupid things like "Jeter is the most OVERRATED player EVER" because it is really dumb. The guy has the most hits in the history of the world's most successful and decorated franchise. He has won 5 World Series titles. We all know about his ELITE bedroom prowess (YEAH JEETS and post-coital gift baskets, BRAH!) but it can't be said enough: Derek Jeter has crushed a lot of A+ ass. Jeter is like Spinal Tap. He doesn't just plow 10s, he slays 11s. Honestly, I think that we all will miss him when he's gone. If you like baseball at all, then Derek Jeter has been in your life for a long ass time and I'll laugh really hard if someone tries to say that they hate the guy.
I hope that Jeter can stay healthy and have a good farewell season. He deserves it. But if you think that we are going to get strangled with another Mariano-like retirement tour, then think again. That isn't his style at all. I'm sure that he'll wave to all of the crowds but there will be no ceremonies. And he will bed the finest ladies in every city that he plays in. That is a FACT. THAT is how Jeets tours...penis first. By the way, his last regular season game will be played in Boston. Tickets to that game are going for more than Opening Day at Fenway when they get their World Series rings. That says it all. This will not be the last time that I reflect on Derek Jeter this season. DEAL WITH IT.
*Kate Upton makes horrible choices - You know how I know that Kate Upton is a moo cow and gutter trash? Because Jeter hasn't fucked her. Instead, she is back to wasting her time having Goosetown slap and tickles with Justin Verlander again. I don't know why these little kids have to act so coy. If you don't want people to know that you are OBVIOUSLY fucking, then stop showing up everywhere together and Tweeting at each other. YOU ARE AWFUL ACTORS. Receiving Jut's Slim Jim is probably why Fatty Fat Fat isn't on the cover of the SI Swimsuit Issue this year. That is her punishment for making such a horrible life choice. Too many fourth meals with the Goochland High alum. Her career is over. Big jugs doesn't make up for being involved with a season ticket holder at Talladega.
Speaking of SI, does the swimsuit issue even matter any more? Don't get me wrong, I'll still check out some pics online simply because of tradition, but who really cares? And another thing, Chrissy Teigen seems like a cool broad and all that but she has a really weird face. WOULD NOT BANG. Yes I would.
*The Indians are a fucking joke - Today's final topic will be another instance of Believeland running their franchise horribly. Ubaldo Jiminez, even with his occasional spotty control, is at worst a #2 starter. We can all agree on that, right? He is 30 years old and thus has at least 5 more good years barring injury. He had a 3.30 ERA last year on a garbage team. Ubaldo just signed a 4 year/48 million dollar deal with the Orioles who just STOLE him at that price. Starting pitching is never, ever cheap. 12 million for a still-in-prime front of the rotation arm is a home run.
Look, Cleveland fans, there is no excuse at all for letting him walk at that price. You spent more than that on average players like Swish and Bourn last winter and now, when you want to compete for division titles and actually playoff births, you're going back to being cheap. DUMB. I'm not even sure that the Indians made an offer. BAD. Boy, I hope that your no-name flukes from last year can do it again and be the first ever to do so.
Hmmmmm...those takes got a little hotter than I was expecting. But then again, there is never a bad time to rip on Jut and Indians fans (pretty much the same people). Now that you've finished today's post, please collect your gift basket and GTFO.