Monday, February 24, 2014

Bret Bielema Fixes America

What a weekend for hilarious coaching news and rumors!  While the rest of the country was lamenting the pathetic performance by the American hockey team (do not know how to carry the flag), I was focused on idiots being idiots and the Browns trying to get their BRAH on.  Let's address each story on their own LOLZ merits.

Bret Bielema is a doctor/lawyer/football coach - Oh man, I can't think of any douche more fitting for this argument.  So in case you were unaware, Nicky SabeCakes (the original Cakes) and Bert are carrying the torch for defensive equality.  They want it to be illegal for offenses to snap the ball within the first 10 seconds of the 40 second play clock.  They claim that it is for player safety because not allowing substitutions leads to injuries.  You know, it's not a bad idea if it wasn't a proven FACT that Saban and Bert weren't total selfish shitheads.

Saban has sort of backed off a bit but that hasn't stopped Bert from digging in even deeper.  He even implied that the kid from Cal, Ted Agu, may have died because of this which makes NO SENSE AT ALL.  Of course, the Cal AD blasted him publicly for being so fucking stupid and Bert backtracked citing that he is just so dadgum passionate about player safety.  Christ, what an asshole.  Why would anyone listen to the worst coach in the SEC (FACT...look at the records)?  It's amusing when Saban complains because he has better talent than everyone else combined and thus other coaches need to out-scheme him and he HATES that.  Bert is just being a cocksucker and trying to relate everything to up-tempo offense.  9/11?  Wouldn't have happened at all if the WTC was allowed to sub no offense.  In a profession in which everyone one of your peers is an asshole, Bret Bielema might be the biggest skidmark of all.

I do not buy this Jimmy Harbaugh traded to the Browns rumor at ALL - OK, Florio's dipshit ass wants us to believe that the 49ers seriously considered trading their head coach (who has gone to three NFC title games in three years) for a package of draft picks.  The Niners CEO went on Twitter to tell Florio that he was full of shit which was just great because Florio is full of shit.  This is such a non-story.  I mean, we all see that the BRAHs are insane but they aren't nuts enough to leave a great situation for the worst situation ever.

Here is what really happened: Jimmy Haslam called up the 49ers and swung for the fence.  SF said LOL and then asked what he was prepared to offer just to amuse the joke owner before he goes to prison for the rest of his life.  He made his pitch that was probably 4 5th round picks.  The Niners said that we'll get back with you but they just needed time to stop LOLing their asses off.  Haslam took this as SF taking their offer seriously.  So he called his puppet Mike L--no, that's too obvious--M. Lombardi who leaked the story that they were thisclose to acquiring a BRAH of their own.  The Niners never took this as less than a joke.  The Browns, once again, embarrassed themselves with yet another coach who turned them down.  World keeps spinning.

Speaking of the Browns, with Kyle Shanahan running the offense, I really do think that they should trade for Captain Kirk Cousins.  Give the Skins your second round pick, you still have 6 picks in the first four rounds, you now have a QB that is familiar with the new system and won't turn it over, and you can take Sammy Watkins at 4 and then maybe Hyde at 26.  Quit fucking around with Johnny Hands-zeil.  Drafting him in the top 4 is something that bad teams looking for publicity do.  The actual SMART play is the one that I just laid out.  There isn't a secondary outside of Seattle that could stop Gordon, Watkins, and Cameron.

That will do it for me today.  We really ran the gamut on the coaching ladder between arguably the best NFL coach right now and the worst coach in football history crying because he is incompetent and looks like a raped pig.  I spent my weekend in Oxford watching RedHawks hockey on Saturday night and RedHawks basketball on Sunday afternoon.  Hopefully, we beat BG yesterday because Miami Men are always better than every Diseased Dick from Bowling Green.  Now, in the spirit of Bert, I'm going to grant Randall Stevens a full day to work on his post.  Don't need you dying from exhaustion, BRAH!


Grumpy said...

How did you go to Miami BB on Sunday and not know if we beat BGSUCKS?

Randall Stevens said...

I was done with tomorrow's ELITE post last week, BRAH.

If then browns take Manziel at 4 I won't watch a single snap of browns football. Watkins is the no brainer pick. Remember how the browns could have had Julio Jones and traded back a million times instead?? Can't make the same mistake but they will because it's the browns. Watkins is the guy at 4.


GMoney said...

Because I wrote this on Saturday.

Oxford = still ELITE. I had quite possibly the best "sandwich" I've ever had on Saturday night at Steinkeller. It was goddamn terrific.

You also really have to hand it to the Philadelphia Phillies who were spurned by a draft pick to play college instead of for them so they turned him into the NCAA for rules violations.

Grumpy said...

As for Bielma, Saban and the rest, Fuck them. I enjoy watching Baylor, Texas Tech, Texas A & M, Boise etc. run hurry up spread offenses.

Anonymous said...

OK n words, I am CONFIRMED for RibFest. Expect free ribs Lava Girl. Don't be a Buke and order two fucking entrees when I buy.


Nibbles said...

Something interesting I've noticed about the Browns is as of lately, it seems like they continue to have bad seasons, but just good enough to keep them somewhere around the 3rd through 7th draft picks and away from first dibs on a "guaranteed" quarterback.

Whereas a team like the Colts two seasons ago put together a string of success, and has one god awful season and ends up with the #1 pick in the draft.

The result is the Browns never quite get the draft's best and safest prospect, and almost end up settling.

The process will end up repeating itself this upcoming draft season as Houston will likely draft a safe pick, putting them right back into playoff contention, and the Browns drafting somebody that will keep them mediocre.

GMoney said...

LOLOLOLOL classic Burke move! He loves to order himself multiple dinners!

Like I said, Grump, the message that those jerks are sending isn't a bad one. Defenses should be given the opportunity to bring in subs. But these guys are such assholes that FUCK 'EM.

GMoney said...

Unfortunately for the Texans, there ain't no Andy Luck or the superios Bobby Griff this Draft.

GMoney said...

By the way, it's nice to hear that Carlos Ide likely ran himself out of the first round with a terrible 40 time and a fake injury to justify his shittiness. Drop him down the Cakes Rankings POST HASTE.

Dri Archer ran a 4.26 40. #MACtion. Christ, that is fast.

Anonymous said...

Just looked at Miami's basketball record...6-8 in the guys have some sweet football and basketball programs brah!

The 10 second run off rule is incredibly dumb. When Rich Rod is doing a great job destroying the merits about your rule to the media, you know it's time to give up on it. The whole medical part is also dumb.

Hyde will be the 1st RB taken in teh draft.

Clowney ran an unofficial 4.47 this morning....dammmmn.


GMoney said...

Clowney and Aaron Donald (a DT running 4.65)...these are not humans.

6-8 in the MAC is worlds better than what we did the last two years. Getting better by the day even with only 8 scholarship players.

I still can't believe that Bert attributed to that kid's death as reason why the game needs to slow down. THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

Prime99 said...

Coaches asking for rule changes on pace is the stupidest fucking shit ever. Did they end their argument filled with no data with "FACT!" Just so everyone knew they were completely full of shit?

Corey Stringer's death was also due to the fast pace of the game- FACT! (See? It's easy!)

Jed York's tweet to Mike Florio was super LOLZ. I enjoyed that immensely.

Cakes said...

Why would we trade for Cousins when we already have our own Spartan QB ready to take us to the promised land? Hoyer was lights our until his knee broke into a thousand pieces. I say give him a chance this season even if we draft a QB.

I'm good with Watkins at 4 but Randall saying "he won't watch a single snap of Browns football" if they draft Manziel gave me a major case of LOL. Give me a break with that shit. He probably isn't the answer but every single Browns fan would be stoked out of their minds for week 1.

Bielema is fat.

Anonymous said...

Good call Cakes. There is a zero percent chance that Randall would stick with his "I won't watch a single snap of Browns football" if they take Manziel.


GMoney said...

Hoyer is clearly the product of a CHUD system. He is not a ShanaMan.

For as OVERRATED as Manziel is during this draft process, I would still take him over BORT. My son is also named Bort (obligatory).

GMoney said...

ZOMBIE TIME (that is losing steam because some of us go to bed at dusk)!

*Michonne eating crazy cheese (which is not what it is called but whatever) FTW. That is how it's done, folks. Got to find some Ritz though for an ELITE snack.

*Deputy Dipshit is still the worst. Hey, your toddler was eaten by the undead? TELL ME EVERY DETAIL OF HIS DEATH, SWORD LADY! You know how it ended. You don't need her to recycle through her past trauma, jerk. Go lose another shoe.

*Those goons that took over Rick's abode were pretty much the worst goons ever. Jacob Hale just wanted to play a nice game of tennis. They're KILLING EACH OTHER over a bed. Some guy is just randomly sitting on a toilet. The seat was down. WHAT WAS HE DOING ON THE SHITTER!!! He deserved to die for not shitting and not getting off the pot.

*The we have Tough Guy Glenn who falls asleep for three hours at least and demands to walk back the other way because that is a horrible idea. Abe should have snapped his neck for being a dumb chinaman. Again, they were just on the road for three hours. Walking back will take you 3 days. YOU ARE NOT SMART.

*Rosita, let it be known that my heart belongs to sweet angel Maggie, but are ELITE. I want to have your children.

*Abraham is an odd fella. I haven't figured him out. He appears to die his hair way too orange.

*Then there is Dr. Mullett who might be a worse character than Carl. That guy sucks. Oh yeah, I'm sure that a guy with hair like that has all the answers. Nice cargo shorts, cock. How the hell did he survive this long without learning how to shoot a gun anyway? Must have been combing his hair.

I did not care for this episode since I watched it after True Detective (ELITE again) and the Downton Abbey finale (not as ELITE but still solid). TWD needs to step it up because Thrones is coming back soon.

Anonymous said...

I don't even know why I watch TWD anymore, but I can't give it up. You nailed the synopsis of last night pretty well. Walking backwards to make up for 3 days of driving is indeed so dumb fo real. That Rosita chick is fine as hell too.


Randall Stevens said...

Let me preface with saying that I'm sure I'm going to get called a huge nerd for this but I don't care.

As a TWD comic reader, I am not happy with Abraham so far. Cudlitz is mushy and looks to be out of shape. And he got the piss beat out of him by a chinaman who was unconscious not 10 minutes before that altercation. That would never happen to comic Abraham. What in the fucking fuck is up with that hair? It's almost fucking neon. I don't think they needed to go all carrot top with Abraham as I'm pretty sure they don't even identify him as a redhead in the comic.

Eugene is supposed to be a goon. And he was a good one at that. So they actually did him better than Abraham.

So you know when Rick is beating the shit out of toilet guy? You mean to tell me that not a single person in that house heard any of the scuffle that was going on above their heads? I chuckled during that part because it was loud. And someone should have heard something.

Carl is a twat. And a horrific actor. Get a hair cut, loser. I'm sure one of these houses has scissors you can use.

I love how you can see the sweat dripping off of Rick's nose like Pat Ewing at the free throw line as he lays under the bed comfortable enough to murder a dude for. But then Rick sneaks out the window and throws on a bomber jacket. Just seemed a little odd to me.

Overall the episode was pretty poop and they need to do a lot more with Abraham to make me okay with this Cudlitz character.

Prime99 said...

As a comic reader, I agree that the excitement for Abe was large and in charge. However, are expectations too high for him, based on Randall's description I say yes. I agree with it being stupid for Glenn to beat him up, however, Abe stated that he needed Glenn, so Abe was trying to subdue Glenn rather than bring the pain and kill him. Much more difficult.

It's hard for Abe to come in and be grade A badass immediately. I say give it time and we will see if they ruin him. They could, but give it time.

They will need to bring the groups back together soon (or kill some of them) because the rotation thing is whack. More Daryl!

Those goons from house definitely didn't realize the whole "everyone is infected" thing. Dumb fuckers.

Nibbles said...

Somebody explain to me why the explanation for the outbreak is "Classified Information"?

WTF does that mean? There is no more government or society. GTFO with your classification of information. People are out there eating buckets of pudding and murdering each other over beds.

GMoney said...

The most realistic part of that episode was the guy playing with that tennis ball. Man, throwing a ball against the wall is an excellent time waster.

Do you mean those scissors in the bathroom? I mean, come on, shouldn't head lice be running rampant since no one ever showers? What I'm trying to say here is MOAR SKINHEDZ!!!

GMoney said...

Yeah, like Dr. Mullett is the only one on a need to know basis. LOL.

Anonymous said...

Shazier with a 42'' vertical which is best at the combine...pretty freaky at 237lbs.


GMoney said...

Whatever. He still can't play for our commenter basketball team. Not good enough plus he has that Charlie Villanueva disease.

Randall Stevens said...

The whole "classified" thing will be covered later if the show mirrors that part of the comic. I'll leave it at that so not to be Captain Spoiler.

Nibbles said...

Did the comics portray Abraham as a muscled up, goateed knock off of Buke too?

Mr. Ace said...

That was the worst episode of TWD I have ever watched. Just terrible in every way.

Anonymous said...

I'm two episodes back, and honestly, I don't think I'm going to catch up. That show can get all kinds of fucked.

I think its time to GIVE IT A REST.


Randall Stevens said...

I don't remember the comic making any reference to Abraham being a fire crotch. But he is jacked and totally kick ass. Not pudgy and getting owned by Asians.

GMoney said...

I would have loved that episode so much if toilet guy actually was taking a dump and Rick just violently murdered him while doo doo was flying all over the place. Would have saved the series IMO.

You aren't quitting. You can't live without Daryl. There is merit to hate-watching things. And TWD discussion helps us get through the Mondays.

Prime99 said...

This isn't close to as bad as those few boring episodes on the farm in Season 2. Remember, eventually the farm got stormed, and Dale got his guts ripped out. The show usually pays off at some point.