Monday, February 24, 2014
Bret Bielema is a doctor/lawyer/football coach - Oh man, I can't think of any douche more fitting for this argument. So in case you were unaware, Nicky SabeCakes (the original Cakes) and Bert are carrying the torch for defensive equality. They want it to be illegal for offenses to snap the ball within the first 10 seconds of the 40 second play clock. They claim that it is for player safety because not allowing substitutions leads to injuries. You know, it's not a bad idea if it wasn't a proven FACT that Saban and Bert weren't total selfish shitheads.
Saban has sort of backed off a bit but that hasn't stopped Bert from digging in even deeper. He even implied that the kid from Cal, Ted Agu, may have died because of this which makes NO SENSE AT ALL. Of course, the Cal AD blasted him publicly for being so fucking stupid and Bert backtracked citing that he is just so dadgum passionate about player safety. Christ, what an asshole. Why would anyone listen to the worst coach in the SEC (FACT...look at the records)? It's amusing when Saban complains because he has better talent than everyone else combined and thus other coaches need to out-scheme him and he HATES that. Bert is just being a cocksucker and trying to relate everything to up-tempo offense. 9/11? Wouldn't have happened at all if the WTC was allowed to sub no offense. In a profession in which everyone one of your peers is an asshole, Bret Bielema might be the biggest skidmark of all.
I do not buy this Jimmy Harbaugh traded to the Browns rumor at ALL - OK, Florio's dipshit ass wants us to believe that the 49ers seriously considered trading their head coach (who has gone to three NFC title games in three years) for a package of draft picks. The Niners CEO went on Twitter to tell Florio that he was full of shit which was just great because Florio is full of shit. This is such a non-story. I mean, we all see that the BRAHs are insane but they aren't nuts enough to leave a great situation for the worst situation ever.
Here is what really happened: Jimmy Haslam called up the 49ers and swung for the fence. SF said LOL and then asked what he was prepared to offer just to amuse the joke owner before he goes to prison for the rest of his life. He made his pitch that was probably 4 5th round picks. The Niners said that we'll get back with you but they just needed time to stop LOLing their asses off. Haslam took this as SF taking their offer seriously. So he called his puppet Mike L--no, that's too obvious--M. Lombardi who leaked the story that they were thisclose to acquiring a BRAH of their own. The Niners never took this as less than a joke. The Browns, once again, embarrassed themselves with yet another coach who turned them down. World keeps spinning.
Speaking of the Browns, with Kyle Shanahan running the offense, I really do think that they should trade for Captain Kirk Cousins. Give the Skins your second round pick, you still have 6 picks in the first four rounds, you now have a QB that is familiar with the new system and won't turn it over, and you can take Sammy Watkins at 4 and then maybe Hyde at 26. Quit fucking around with Johnny Hands-zeil. Drafting him in the top 4 is something that bad teams looking for publicity do. The actual SMART play is the one that I just laid out. There isn't a secondary outside of Seattle that could stop Gordon, Watkins, and Cameron.
That will do it for me today. We really ran the gamut on the coaching ladder between arguably the best NFL coach right now and the worst coach in football history crying because he is incompetent and looks like a raped pig. I spent my weekend in Oxford watching RedHawks hockey on Saturday night and RedHawks basketball on Sunday afternoon. Hopefully, we beat BG yesterday because Miami Men are always better than every Diseased Dick from Bowling Green. Now, in the spirit of Bert, I'm going to grant Randall Stevens a full day to work on his post. Don't need you dying from exhaustion, BRAH!