|Not pictured: Al Anagonye|
Don’t count us out yet. We’re not going anywhere. If anything, 2014 might be forever known as the year that the white man struck back on the hardwood. Don’t believe me? Doug McDermott from fucking Creighton is pretty much a lock to win the Naismith Award. All of those sick freshmen that you keep hearing about? They mean nothing compared to a cagey veteran grit-ster like Dougie Mac! Let’s take this one giant leap for (white)mankind further…how about I construct my All-White College Hoops Team of 2014 just so you can see for yourself that “we” are making a comeback, BRAH!
PG Aaron Craft, Ohio
SG Ron Baker, Wichita State
SF Nik Stauskas, Michigan
PF Doug McDermott, Creighton
C Frank Kaminski, Wisconsin
Thoughts: Obviously, heavy recruiting was done in the Big Ten because it is a conference that embraces the talents of the less pigmented. Craft gives us what we want/need on a team like this: someone who actually plays defense. He will not be allowed to shoot anything outside of a lay-up. Even when he gets fouled, he will be required to fake an injury so that someone else can sink the free throws. Baker is a stud because I can’t even remember the first or last time there was a white guy who could be considered a “slasher”. Stauskas may be Canadian but that only makes him whiter. He might be the most improved player in the country and will serve this team well knocking down open threes. The offense will run through McDermott because he is a great player and a credit to his people. Kaminski is a bet of a stretch pick but he doesn’t require shots to be effective and can hit the pick and pop three. Plus, that’s the kind of name that George Mikan would appreciate.
G Trevor Cooney, Syracuse
SG Marshall Henderson, Ole Miss
F Luke Hancock, Louisville
F Sam DeKKKer, Wisconsin
C Mitch McGary, Michigan
C Joe Costello, Michigan State
And probably a few walk-ons that keep stats like “floor burns”
Thoughts: Have you seen Cooney play this year? Dude might be the best bomber in the country even with a stupid first name like that. Plus, our great fans will have a blast yelling out COOOOOOON when he’s knocking down jumpers. I couldn’t exclude Marshall. Every team needs a troll/villain. When he made Miss State’s coach (black guy) tell him to fuck off, he was a lock for this bunch. Hancock brings a championship pedigree that every squad needs. Plus, our "opponents" tend to be thin-skinned and violent by nature so Henderson wouldn't be a bad target for their rage. I’m not a big fan of DeKKKer but since this team is coached by Bo Ryan (there were no other options), he insisted on two of his finest whites otherwise there would be “crosses to burn”. We’re holding out hope that McGary can get his back in order because we are obviously thin in the post right now. We’re taking a flier on the big oaf. Costello might be the worst player that I’ve ever seen but his nickname on this team is “Five Fouls”. He also can act as our Scalabrine high five/towel wave guy. Let’s be honest, we need some size in the paint but from someone who knows that he should never shoot. Costello knows his role and he’ll shut his mouth.
Here’s my question: Could this team win the national title? I THINK SO. They could at least beat the Cavs.
Hell, I probably overlooked a few other quality white studs that could make us even more dynamic. Oh sure, we aren’t going to dunk the ball at all, we will never press, probably play a garbage man-to-man defense, and you’ll see Big Foot before you see us block a shot but we will excel in other facets. Fundamentals! Crisp bounce passes! Free throw shooting! Assist/Turnover Ratio! Floor Spacing! HUSTLE! Selflessness! Using the backboard! My guess is that this team shoots at least 70% from the floor and that is going to be tough to beat come March Madness.
What I’m trying to say here is that the white basketball player is outshining Black History Month. Move over, Rosa Parks, because here comes Cherokee Parks! It’s our time! Now if you don’t mind, G$ is feeling inspired. I’m going to go hustle some chumps down at Rucker Park. The banks will be open, BRAH!