Wednesday, February 05, 2014

Break Out The Peach Baskets Because REAL Ball is BACK!

Not pictured: Al Anagonye
As we all know because news outlets like Fox News constantly drone on and on about its importance, February is Black History Month AKA a month of deep inner-reflection for your old pal, G$. Four weeks of glowing tributes of men and women who helped the cause of the African American. Pretty ELITE if you ask me! It’s no secret that black people tend to dominate the basketball court. I mean, I’m not breaking any news or barriers here. In FACT, the white man is slowly but surely being phased out of the sport. The thought of another John Stockton starting at PG in the NBA for over a decade is almost too hilarious to fathom. But I’m here to tell all of you one important thing today:

Don’t count us out yet. We’re not going anywhere. If anything, 2014 might be forever known as the year that the white man struck back on the hardwood. Don’t believe me? Doug McDermott from fucking Creighton is pretty much a lock to win the Naismith Award. All of those sick freshmen that you keep hearing about? They mean nothing compared to a cagey veteran grit-ster like Dougie Mac! Let’s take this one giant leap for (white)mankind further…how about I construct my All-White College Hoops Team of 2014 just so you can see for yourself that “we” are making a comeback, BRAH!

Starting Lineup
PG Aaron Craft, Ohio
SG Ron Baker, Wichita State
SF Nik Stauskas, Michigan
PF Doug McDermott, Creighton
C Frank Kaminski, Wisconsin

Thoughts: Obviously, heavy recruiting was done in the Big Ten because it is a conference that embraces the talents of the less pigmented. Craft gives us what we want/need on a team like this: someone who actually plays defense. He will not be allowed to shoot anything outside of a lay-up. Even when he gets fouled, he will be required to fake an injury so that someone else can sink the free throws. Baker is a stud because I can’t even remember the first or last time there was a white guy who could be considered a “slasher”. Stauskas may be Canadian but that only makes him whiter. He might be the most improved player in the country and will serve this team well knocking down open threes. The offense will run through McDermott because he is a great player and a credit to his people. Kaminski is a bet of a stretch pick but he doesn’t require shots to be effective and can hit the pick and pop three. Plus, that’s the kind of name that George Mikan would appreciate.

The Reserves
G Trevor Cooney, Syracuse
SG Marshall Henderson, Ole Miss
F Luke Hancock, Louisville
F Sam DeKKKer, Wisconsin
C Mitch McGary, Michigan
C Joe Costello, Michigan State
And probably a few walk-ons that keep stats like “floor burns”

Thoughts: Have you seen Cooney play this year? Dude might be the best bomber in the country even with a stupid first name like that. Plus, our great fans will have a blast yelling out COOOOOOON when he’s knocking down jumpers. I couldn’t exclude Marshall. Every team needs a troll/villain. When he made Miss State’s coach (black guy) tell him to fuck off, he was a lock for this bunch. Hancock brings a championship pedigree that every squad needs. Plus, our "opponents" tend to be thin-skinned and violent by nature so Henderson wouldn't be a bad target for their rage.  I’m not a big fan of DeKKKer but since this team is coached by Bo Ryan (there were no other options), he insisted on two of his finest whites otherwise there would be “crosses to burn”. We’re holding out hope that McGary can get his back in order because we are obviously thin in the post right now. We’re taking a flier on the big oaf. Costello might be the worst player that I’ve ever seen but his nickname on this team is “Five Fouls”. He also can act as our Scalabrine high five/towel wave guy. Let’s be honest, we need some size in the paint but from someone who knows that he should never shoot. Costello knows his role and he’ll shut his mouth.

Here’s my question: Could this team win the national title? I THINK SO. They could at least beat the Cavs.

Hell, I probably overlooked a few other quality white studs that could make us even more dynamic. Oh sure, we aren’t going to dunk the ball at all, we will never press, probably play a garbage man-to-man defense, and you’ll see Big Foot before you see us block a shot but we will excel in other facets. Fundamentals! Crisp bounce passes! Free throw shooting! Assist/Turnover Ratio! Floor Spacing! HUSTLE! Selflessness! Using the backboard! My guess is that this team shoots at least 70% from the floor and that is going to be tough to beat come March Madness.

What I’m trying to say here is that the white basketball player is outshining Black History Month. Move over, Rosa Parks, because here comes Cherokee Parks! It’s our time! Now if you don’t mind, G$ is feeling inspired. I’m going to go hustle some chumps down at Rucker Park. The banks will be open, BRAH!

27 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

This team needs Spike. And I'm sure there is some gritster from Iowa that could make the team. Very solid list though.

But lesbihonest, this team probably gets killed by the black all stars.

Parker
Wiggins
Smart
Gary Harris
Randle

And that's with thinking about it for 5 seconds. The whitey revolution is greatly exaggerated.

This team would break records for charges taken though.

Grumpy said...

Best post ever. Coached by The Mayor.

GMoney said...

Ape, it wouldn't be white vs. black. It would be team white vs. Kansas or Syracuse or whoever. I think that they can beat anyone.

Yes, that means that if White State (Wright State renamed) plays Ohio State, Aaron Craft would be guard fouling himself.

Anonymous said...

Good post after Craft's monster night last night in the big win @ Iowa. LOLZ'd at the Anagonye mention.

Happy National Signing Day to all!

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, two hand chest passes, two hand bounce passes, give and go, pick and roll, two hand set shot, using the backboard as God intended.

Milan!!!

GMoney said...

Al Anagonye will forever be one of my favorite basketball players. I'm pretty sure that he still holds the Big Ten record for most career fouls.

Bo Ryan definitely makes this group wear canvas shoes.

I really wanted to use the team photo from 80-81 state champion Cats team pic but I couldn't find it online in the 2 minutes that I alot myself for finding blog pics. Sorry Walt!

Mr. Ace said...

The Toledo Rockets just picked up a commitment from Speilmans son. Game Over MAC!

Anonymous said...

I just got a commitment from Spielman's teenage daughter. Scraped up her inner thighs good and proper with my groomed stubble.

--@dutdog

Jeff said...

Coached by Dan Dakich.

Aloysius was the man.

Anonymous said...

One of your top 5 best posts ever. Nothing like "sticking it to the black man" during black history month.

Im not sure how I feel about Hancock and Henderson being on this team... they might as well be black.

I want the whitest of the white. Your starting lineup is awesome.

Thank you for making me think of some of the best whites to ever play at Kentucky today.

Seal

Grumpy said...

Dan Issel.

GMoney said...

I don't know why there are mentions of Dan Dakich and Dan Issel. BO RYAN IS THE ARCHITECT OF THIS WHITEWASH. DEAL WITH IT (pun very much intended).

GMoney said...

I'm not one to make myself laugh or nuthin', but the Rosa Parks/Cherokee Parks line killed me.

Jeff said...

Then again if we're going for true lack of skin pigmentation, Beilein should be the coach.

Anonymous said...

Awesome. Though Duke has a couple stallions on their roster too. Rat face always has been good to the white man.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Dan Issel in response to Seal's dreaming about UK white guy's from the past.

GMoney said...

Seal has always been a Patrick Sparxxx guy.

Ide, I forgot to mention that in the intro. VERY disappointed with Coach K's white game this season. Outside of his customary Plumlee doucher, he is very nubian this season. Not pleased with this one bit.

Prime99 said...

I, too, enjoyed the Cherokee Parks line. Way to grind on this post, G$. Blue collar all the way around.

The ultimate HOF white team could be Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, John Stockton, George Mikan, and Steve Kerr (need a savage shooter to spread the floor.)

Anonymous said...

Kid that was just an Auburn verbal...and they even had his bio up on the Auburn web-site...just stunned and announced for Bama on ESPNU and signed with them. LOLZ. I love this day.

--Drew

GMoney said...

By the way, Saturday's Duke/Cuse game was absolutely fantastic.

Anonymous said...

I cant believe Wally Szerakjshfkasjfdbiak's name hasnt been brought up with two Miami fags on this site. I imagine Grumpy has Wally calendar in his garage and G$ had a pic of wally in a thong in his dorm room.

Seal

GMoney said...

What would you like me to say about Wally exactly? He did favorite a convo on Twitter between Ape and I so he clearly recognizes ELITEness when he reads it.

Randall Stevens said...

Solid group of white guys there. The only thing missing is Brian Cardinal. I'm sure he has a few years of NCAA eligibility left.

If you get a chance, go back and look at the comments at the end of yesterday's post. The SpamBot was working overtime.

Anonymous said...

So, Ohio State has 10 players in the 247 Composite Top 100....the rest of the B1G combined has 4. Good Lord....step your game up faggots.

--Drew

GMoney said...

OK...but how many of them are white? Don't you be throwing your darkness around here on such a bright day.

GMoney said...

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Days of our Lives is going to be SICK! WHAT A CAST! The Situation AND Ronnie Ortiz-Magro! Now you're speaking my language!

ELITE spamming by that robot.

Anonymous said...

6.5 whites.....kicker included.

--Drew