Thursday, February 20, 2014

Bad Investments: Awful Albums


We all remember waiting with great anticipation for an album. We all remember hearing a hot single and assuming that the rest of the cd would be just as good. We all remember ordering 75 cd's from Columbia House for the price of 2. In doing so, we have all spent our hard earned money on some fucking horrible music. And that's what today is about.

And just to be clear, this isn't most disappointing albums. For example, for me, Lupe Fiasco's Lasers album was a complete and total disappointment because it was basically a techno album with no substance. It wasn't horrible, but didn't come close to meeting my expectations. It wasn't complete and total ass, like, say LL Cool J's recent album, Authentic. Who can ever forget Accidental Racist?

Now, we all have different tastes in music. Mine is obviously a little more rap centric, but I listened to just about everything in the 90's/early 00's. G$ loves him some George Strait. Randall probably only listens to Sum 41. Prime is legally obligated to only listen to 90's music. I'm sure Grump still fires up his old Roger Miller vinyl selection. And Ide listens to whatever hipsters listen to these days. Maybe he can tell us what is hot in Brooklyn right now. But here are my worst investments in awful albums.

Jimmy Ray: Jimmy Ray. The hit song off this album was "Are You Jimmy Ray?" I just watched the video on Youtube...what the fuck was my 13 year old brain thinking? Other than tits and more tits, it was apparently thinking euro-honkytonk-rock was the shit. The album was 10 songs, only one of which was actually released as a single in the US, and they were all terrible.

JT Money: Pimpin' on Wax. This is a great album title. It's a shame it was wasted on an album like this. Now don't get me wrong, I was completely sold when I saw the "Who Dat" video(which I belive Michael Rapaport makes a cameo in as the only white guy). Maybe I just wasn't ready for horrible gangster rap in '99. But this was JT Money's M.O., terrible albums with one hot song. I only fell for it once.

Marcy Playground: Marcy Playground. Sex and Candy is one of those songs that you have to stop and listen to. You can be just about to walk out the door, but if you hear this song come on you will stand there and listen until it's over. Marcy Playground had no chance at matching Sex and Candy, and it seemed like they knew it because every other track had a completely different feel than Sex and Candy. The ultimate one-hit wonder.

MA$E: Double Up. This one hurt me deeply. MA$E's debut album was my first real hip hop album and the first time that my mom was concerned about what kind of music I listened to. I will say forever that Harlem World is a Top 10 Hip Hop album. Double Up has 4 songs that I will still listen to, and that's including a Mad Rapper interlude(back when skits were ELITE). This album was so bad that he retired to become a preacher. Only to return to rap for one more pay check five years later. I was smart enough to not pay money for that.

Puff Daddy: Forever. Lil Kim, R Kelly, Notorious B.I.G., Redman, Busta Rhymes, Carl Thomas, MA$E, Beanie Sigel, Nas, Shyne, Twista, and Jay-Z. What do these people have in common? They were ALL featured on this album. This album of 20 songs that had maybe 4 playable tracks. P.E. 2000 is still one of favorite tracks ever. But this album was just Puff Daddy ruining everything.

Spice Girls: Spice. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Just....fucking terrible. I went back and listened to every song on this album, for as long as I could stand. It was horrifying. Now, I was only 12 years old when I bought this album, but 12 year old me fucking sucked. I remember bumping this in Shitty's moms' minivan on our way out to Freedom to play basketball. AND EVERYBODY IN THE CAR LOVED IT! I bet I still know 25% of the lyrics and I haven't heard any of those songs in 15 years, that's how much we loved it. Dammit.

Man, I'm still in shock with how terrible that Spice Girls album was. I thought it might get included, but I also thought maybe, just maybe, it was a legit album that could stand the test of time.
On the plus side(I think?) not a single Limp Bizkit album was included. I believe I bought their first three albums. Obviously they aren't making anybody's all time list, but they also weren't awful enough to make my list. Please leave your own awful albums in the comments. Which one of you fags bought a Creed album? Answer: ALL OF YOU.

45 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

I'm sorry. I thought this was America and we got up early to discuss bad music. I bet if Danzig was involved, which it probably should be if all you queermos like it, this place would be blowing up.

Anonymous said...

I can't even remember the last time that I bought an album and I don't even have a case of old CD's to go through to try and figure out an answer to this question. The only thing I can think of right now is "Whitey Ford Sings The Blues" by Everlast...that's probably pretty awful to try and listen to these days.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Actually, I bought the Blind Melon CD when "No Rain" came out. That has to be just complete shit.

--Drew

Nibbles said...

I had a Weird Al Yankovich CD or two.

I don't think those are bad tho

Anonymous said...

I typed out a LEMPHY response, but alas, the subway reception had its way with me and lost it (before 6am!).

First off, you listened to Mase and Puffy. Those two 'rapped' like a bunch of retards with cerebral palsy. Seriously, go back and listen, then TALK OUT the lyrics. The exact same pace. Awful.

LOLZ on that JT Money album. I bought it, and the first two or three songs were great. I can't even tell you what happened after that. TERRIBLE. Also, really fucking obscure.

On that note, I feel like a lot of the NO LIMIT SOULJAS and CASH MONEY albums were disappointments. If you, like me, lived in the suburbs in the 90s, you had every album for STREET CRED. I bought every one just about after a good radio song. Soulja Slim still had an ELITE album.

I want to rag on you about the Spice Girls album (though, you were really expecting greatness?), but I have enough skeletons hiding in my cd tower. None of which are Creed, Nickleback or Train, I am pleased to say. Sisqo was one (disappointment!).

This hipster scene has been good lately. People have been on the fence about the new Arcade Fire, and I liked it, but was a bit disappointed. Thankfully, Mogwai, CEO, and Disclosure came out strong with albums recently. Don't worry, you've never heard of them.

The best thing to happen to Blind Melon was the lead singer dying ASAP. Even as an 11 year old that warmed my heart. And fuck that fat girl in that video too.

Ide

GMoney said...

You betta BULLEE DAT that I own three Creed albums. It was how I learnt about our Lord and Savior.

Growing up, I thought that I was some alternative rock God or something and bought a fuckload of Sonic Youth albums. The problem with that is that they are shit. They were supposed to open for Blink 182 a decade ago at Polaris but didn't show up. I was not upset.

Whatever that horrible movie was that had Puff Daddy's awful Led Zeppelin Come With Me cover...yeah, I own that soundtrack. NOT GOOD.

Any movie soundtrack purchase is a huge fucking waste of time and money and semen.

Mr. Ace said...

I bought one No Limit CD and it was Silkk the Shocker. I'm pretty sure the big song off that CD was "It ain't my fault" with Mystikal on it. It was also terrible and could easily make this list. Cash Money wasn't as bad as No Limit.

And we have had this discussion before about Mase/Puffy and their rapping. Puffy isn't a rapper, which is why he ruined almost every track on that Forever album. No Way Out was still a great album. Mase's Harlem World was fucking great. Double Up and Welcome Back were shit.

Who sang the Lemon Tree song? I'm pretty sure I bought that album. It had to be terrible.

Randall Stevens said...

I don't listen to popular music anymore because most of it is hog shit. I know that sounds ELITist but I don't care. It's just bad. The first album I can remember being disappointed in was Pearl Jam Yield. That had so much promise and was just a hot turd.

More recently, when Midtown and Finch put out their follow up albums to their break out albums, it was a YOUUUGE let down for me.

And I have no problem admitting I listened to Sum 41 back in the day. The first 2 albums were great. Then the lead singer started banging Avril Lavigne and started writing pappy crap love songs.

Anonymous said...

That's an incorrect statement. Forrest Gump soundtrack says you're full of shit and swallowed semen.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Oh man, forgot about movie soundtracks. The four that I can remembet owning....Lion King (Cassette ELITE) Men In Black(Bad) Dangerous Minds(had Gangstas Paradise so is elite) and Friday(Probably the best movie soundtrack ever).

Cakes said...

REM's "Monster" is one of the first I can remember buying. I want to kick my own ass for admitting that. I also bought The Offsprings "Smash" and "Ixnay on the Hombre". Those were not solid choices.

GMoney said...

Uh, FUCK YOU CAKES as The Offspring are still great. I used to listen to the Smash album on the bus to 8th grade road football games and then I would kill fuckers. ELITE.

The last two albums that I bought were by some no name loser called Tone-Loc ButtAssKiss. Worst purchases EVAH! Not a Danzig cover to be found!

Cakes said...

Eh, The Offspring did a lot of yelling and jumping just like every other 90's grunge/rock band.

I also had problems with buying movie soundtracks. Often I wouldn't even check to see what kind of music was on the CD and would just base my decision on the movie or how badass the cover looked. That's how I ended up with the "Gunmen" soundtrack which starred the one and only Mario Van Peebles.

Mr. Ace said...

I haven't bought a bad album in a long time, as I can usually sample it before deciding to buy it.

Randall, I have become a rap snob. I haven't spent money on a mainstream album in a couple years. There have been good ones, like Pusha T's "My Name is My Name", but I usually download those for free and spend my money on independent types.

Anonymous said...

I pay $10 a month for Spotify. So, I now have ALL of the music (except the Beatles). But it goes right to my phone so I can listen to it wherever. Since I no longer have a car or car radio, it's worth the price.

On a side note, I haven't heard the radio in over two years.

Ide

GMoney said...

If you don't listen to radio then how do you get your HOT TAEKS??? Plus, what a total hipster thing to say.

Did I buy the Batman Forever soundtrack simply so that I could own (Slow) Seal's Kiss From A Rose? YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

Prime99 said...

Tough to know where to start on this.

Marcy Plaground was indeed a bad record. Very disappointed, though in hindsight, Sex and Candy isn't a very good song. Monotone and boring.

The Puff Daddy record confused me because they released remixes of Its All About The Benjamins and Victory that were significantly better than the record versions.

Disagree with Randall on Yield. I still listen to it from time to time.

I owned The Cable Guy, Mallrats, and Godzilla soundtracks. I regret nothing (except owning the Godzilla soundtrack.)

When I worked at Tower in college, I acquired many free promo CDs. The good ones I kept (Weezer green album, Jimmy Eat World Bleed American, and Tool Lateralus, as examples) and sold bad records as used to other record stores (Puddle of Mudd, Nickelback, Creed, etc.) Profit off of shit!

Grumpy said...

You play that thug crap anywhere near me and I'm getting my gun.

Cakes said...

I'm concerned that I really don't listen to music in the car anymore. It's all Sports talk radio and podcasts. I'm not sure what I'm turning into.

GMoney said...

You're turning into a man addicted to takes!

Anonymous said...

Not listening to the radio is a totally hipster thing, however, how often do you really listen to it when you're not in the car? I used to listen to it at work, but NY Sports talk is fucking awful. OH GOD is it awful. Plus, I pay a monthly charge to listen to no commercials. Down with BIG RADIO.

Prime totally digs Puddle of Mudd.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I listen to new pop/rap music in the car over sports radio...that's how much I loathe sports talk radio.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I listen to the radio when I walk the dog on my WALKMAN. LOL I actually asked for just a radio player for Christmas and my mom had to pretty much fig through dumpsters to find one. Dari and Mel on Saturday mornings is the best radio show.

Between Francesa, Michael Kay, Lupica, and Boomer/Carton, New York sports radio is Torg-bad.

Buke LOVES Puddle of Mudd.

Anonymous said...

Pulp Fiction sound track refutes your soundtrack theory.

I have an external hard drive with a radio stations music catalog from 2000, so I don't really listen to anything post 2000 outside of car time radio sessions. I'm not missing anything.

- j Saul

Mr. Ace said...

I did the Spotify streaming thing for awhile, but most of the new music that I want to listen to never makes it to Spotify so it became pointless to pay for. I still use the free desktop version all the time.

Also Columbus radio fucking sucks. 107.5 plays the same shit over and over. 102.9 out of Dayton is ok when it comes in. I liked 106.7 for awhile, but then they completely stopped playing rap. There is no reason for a city like Columbus to have such awful selection.

Anonymous said...

Ape...agree with you on the Columbus rap scene. It's awesome when I go back home and can get Detroit rap radio....you are 10x more likely to hear back to back Biggie songs than you are one Pitbull song. It's just amazing.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

So true. Being back in Toledo and listening to 107.3 The Juice is a real treat and a reminder of how horrible the radio situation is in Columbus.

Prime99 said...

I sold probably 7 copies of the CLEAN version of Puddle of Mudd to other used record stores. Customers like Buke probably f***ing hated me when then realized they bought the CLEAN version.

Anonymous said...

Thursdays suck now.

-Everyone Who Posts Here

Anonymous said...

G$-#22 is actually a puddle of mudd fan & should be chastised for this every time you see him

Not a puddle of mudd fan
Buke

Anonymous said...

Buke hasn't listened to a song he's liked that was made after 1972 aside from Rick Astley.

Boomer/Carlton is really fucking bad. Getting stuck listening to them on the ride back from AC once after the Giants won the Super Bowl almost made me jack the steering wheel into oncoming traffic.

No one in NYC gives two shits about sports outside of their shitty NY teams. Hipsters like the Mets, because of course they do, assholes like Boston (universal, really), and every other person loves the Yankees. Try talking basketball and you get a 5 minute yarn on how the Knicks are STILL in the hunt for a Finals. College? Get the fuck out of here. Good thing is that those who know hockey HATE CBJ. And that is just fine with me. So, naturally, the radio offerings is as bad.

However, we do have Hot 97, so suck it, Columbus.

Ide

GMoney said...

Columbus's's's hatred of rap music (or black songs) is why this town is thriving in Obama's America. FACT! More T-Bone, less T-Pain! More Common Man, less Common! More Torg lol jk!

Anonymous said...

I would assume Slow Seal is the anon that blasted Ape's Thursdays. I'm basing that on the fact that he hasn't commented...he posts from an Anon account...and it's a bad opinion.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Seals music catalog no doubt includes James Blunt.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Speaking of singers similar to James Blunt, "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter is my least favorite non-Nickelback song. So bad.

Anonymous said...

Eat my ass - I leave my name when I post.

LOLZ at Ide for trying to make fun of people for whatever type of music they listen to. I forgot this was 7th grade again and we are making fun of someone for liking a "not cool" band. What a wanna be hipster douche.

Seal

Jeff said...

Offspring: Americana

Homer Bailey got 6/$105. Masty will want 20 per next year. FUCK YOU CAKES!

Anonymous said...

And I actually wasnt a big fan of this post - you didnt really tell us anything we didnt already know. Of course "Jimmy Ray" was a terrible album.

You could have thought outside the box a little and said some albums that you knew people might like here were overrated.

And I do absolutely listen to almost everything. There isnt much I wont listen to (polka) or that I havent seen live.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...my apologies Slow Seal. Randall should go on his war path about anon's and find this person.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Seal did nothing to refute the fact that he listens to James Blunt. I made it up, but he took that bait. I bet he sings that "Beautiful" song at karaoke.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Randall Stevens is an unoriginal faggot that couldn't write his way out of an Asian's dick. He sucks and that is an absolute fact. He writes like Woody Paige talks.

This Ace guy is a wigger.

--Your Biggest Stan

GMoney said...

Spencer Hawes? That's not bad. I was starting to like BIG Hank Sims though.

Prime99 said...

Seal summed up Ide perfectly. Take that kiss from a rose to the bank!

Mr. Ace said...

Seal wants me to make shit up and be a troll. Not surprising. This post was about awful albums I have purchased. If I wanted to talk about overrated I would have just listed all of Tupac's albums.

GMoney said...

Good to see Stan back chucking pipe bombs in Randall's direction.

Not gonna lie...tomorrow's post is pretty terrific. Ape and Stevens know the plot already and it came out better than I expected.