Thursday, February 13, 2014

ACEterview: Michael Sam Don't Play That Gay Shit

Yes, that is Sam fucking a bodybuilding drag queen with a unicorn and rainbow in the background
Once again, Mr. Ace has the exclusive interview that every sports journalist wants; Michael Sam. Obviously, we are all well aware of the big announcement that Mr. Sam made to the world over the weekend. He likes the D, and I'm not talking about defense. If you read the Incognito/Martin texts then you can probably understand why having a gay dude in the lockerroom might be a little....weird? Are his teammates cool if he gets after male hookers? Will they pop molly with him? These are the questions that I need answered, along with what he was really thinking about when banging all those chicks.

Mr. Ace: So what was it like growing up gay? When did you know you were different?
Michael Sam: At first it was really hard for me. Ever since I was 10 I knew that I was different. I just couldn't identify with the kids in my neighborhood. They would all be talking about their Jordan's or their FUBU jerseys, all I could think about was my pink L.A. Gears. When those things lit up, all eyes were on me. I just wanted people to see me for me.
ME: So was it tough on you, or were you able to find a group of friends who accepted you?
MS: I cried a lot as a kid. Most of the people I grew up with were spending time on the playground, building things with Lego's, playing cops and robbers, or playing catch with their dad. I was cooking with my mom, learning how to put makeup on with my cousins, or dreaming about one day being able to marry the man of my dreams.
ME: I'm really sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how tough that would be.
MS: HA! You believed that shit?
ME: Well yeah, why the fuck wouldn't I? There isn't exactly a blueprint on gay NFL players.
MS: Fuck no that ain't how it was. This ain't no fucking faggy ass Macklemore video. I was born trill and I stay trill. Because I fuck dudes I gotta wear a skirt?
ME: I never said that.
MS: I'll make you put a skirt on real fast, gayboy.
ME: Yeah, lets not do that.

ME: So what was it really like then? Did your family know?
MS: My brother would be like, "Yo cunt, come play with these G.I. Joes. And when you put them away they better not have be laying face to face with their legs wrapped around each other. Some type of gay shit." After my G.I. Joes were done killing shit, they just wanted to cuddle. But Big Mike don't cuddle no more. Once I skeet you gotta hit the street.
ME: Speaking of skeeting, how was it banging chicks? I assume you weren't out your entire life.
MS: My dick is an equal opportunity provider. If a girl wanted it bad enough, I'd give it to her.
ME: So you are no stranger to the vagina?
MS: Whoa whoa whoa, who said anything about pussy? I don't touch that. I get the guts through the butts.
ME: Okay. So you're bi for buttholes?
MS: I've never heard it put so beautifully. Yeah, bi for buttholes.

ME: How do you feel about what your dad has been saying in the media?
MS: Man, fuck him. I saw him suckin dick for rocks on several occasions. Bet he didn't mention that in his little interview.
ME: No. No he did not. So did he really have no idea you were gay until Tuesday?
MS: The motherfucker has known for awhile. I made that bitch accept my sexuality.
ME: How did you do that?
MS: I made him accept it. Often.
ME: So you fucked your dad?
MS: I fucked a crackhead. And he was calling me daddy.
ME: Umm.............

MS: So I hear you like the tofu, you little fucking fairy. I only talk to guys who are on a strict all meat diet.
ME: I am glad to hear that because--
MS: Why don't you spread your butt cheeks open and make room for this dark meat stick.
ME: Is this how you talk to all guys? Or just white guys who you know you can physically dominate?
MS: It's all pink on the inside.
ME: You make me incredibly uncomfortable.
MS: It's because you can imagine me inside you and you don't know how much you would like it.
ME: Like I said...incredibly uncomfortable.

ME: What about the shower scene? One of the things that is always brought about when talking about gay athletes is them being dong watchers.
MS: I take what I want when I'm in the shower. Prison rules, bitch. Look at me sideways and watch your butt hole gape.
ME: So how do your teammates react?
MS: My favorite thing to do in the shower is grab my dick by the head and move my dick hole like it's a mouth. My dick goes over to the kicker every day after practice and says "Get over here, fag. You know I like that fruity booty you got under that towel." He'd look away all scared. Then when he finally got in the shower I'd run up on him, dick in hand, barking like a dog. Motherfucker transferred.
ME: How about what goes on in the pile? When guys are fighting for the ball after the fumble, you always hear players talking about getting their cock tugged or a thumb in the butt. Do you get any more enjoyment out of it then others?
MS: That's when all those fruity fucks come after me. A sports lockerroom is the gayest place on earth, and during those pile ups is when it all comes out. Zach Mettenberger's gay ass was trying to suck my dick through his facemask. A.J. McCarron asked me to have a threesome with him and his girl. I bet Cam Newton will be begging me to fist him after my first strip sack against the Panthers. Those motherfuckers in the closet are the ones you gotta look out for. They'll be up in you real fast if you don't watch. That's why I keep my shit tight at all times. The only thing that gets inside my butt is your tongue. Toss that salad, boy.
ME: I think our time is about up.
MS: TOSS IT!

ME: So if you had a message to GM's in the NFL, what would it be.
MS: I like fucking dudes. BUT I LOVE FUCKING QUARTERBACKS. BANG BANG SKEET SKEET.

This guy is 1st round material in my book. Just protect your butt hole.

And here is this to wash the gay off

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fag

Ide

Grumpy said...

He'll be living with RG3 within a year.

GMoney said...

You just stole this from Dut's diary, you fruit booty. You LeBouf'ed him good.

Sam Sr is a hilariously terrible parent. He hates his son so much but I'm sure he won't mind the cock breath once Junior offers to buy him a house.

GMoney said...

Also: IT'S A WINE AND GOLD WINNER! Better than the Pistons. Tristan Thompson > Andre Drummond

GMoney said...

I could watch the closing GIF all day.

Anonymous said...

I liked this interview more than the one with Sam's Dad the other night...and I thought that one couldn't be beat. Ape is on fire.

My two favorite highlights from his Dad's interview...

*When he said that he got a text from his son informing he was gay....he was out to eat at Denny's and he had to immediately get up and go start drinking at Applebee's. That's a classy man right there.

*To show how firmly he believes men should only sleep with women...he told how he took one of his sons down to Mexico on his 18th birthday to lose his virginity to a hooker.

Congrats on winning the retard slap fight last night G$ and Slow Seal.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

That's disgusting

Robert Griffin III

Randall Stevens said...

I get the guys through the butts.

Tremendous. Just tremendous.

GMoney said...

Senor Sam is going to get nominated for Money Shot Man of the Year 2014 if I remember his wacky antics 10 months from now.

I was oh so happy when your new idiot head coach (that looks like a retarded Tom Crean and behaves the exact same way) spent the entire FOURF quarter running your garbage offense through Josh Smiff (terrible shooter) and Will Bynum (terrible player). WILL BYNUM! The Pistons roster is a mess of square pegs while the Cavs are a model organization who just loves playing together.

Cakes said...

"After my G.I. Joes were done killing shit, they just wanted to cuddle. But Big Mike don't cuddle no more. Once I skeet you gotta hit the street."

SLOW CLAP...

Mr. Ace said...

Sam Sr is a real a hole. He probably shouldn't have been allowed to have kids.

Sam's story is pretty incredible, though. I started writing this before I knew anything about his life story. I think this interview is a pretty accurate representation of him.

Every post should end with boobs.

GMoney said...

His life story sucks. Every tale ends with him getting butt juice all over his thighs. NOT COOL.

GMoney said...

Hey Drool, Wig Master wants to know what you were buying in that Detroit area convenience store that one day you saw Zeke and what Zeke called what you were buying?

Ape's posts suck for commenting purposes. Fix yo game.

Mr. Ace said...

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?!?!?

Pretty last weeks post had 69 comments. Suck it.

And next weeks post will be ELITE for commenting.

Anonymous said...

Porn post or GTFO. Too much gay for one week, which is odd since Dut comments here.

Ide

GMoney said...

Good point. The porn game has changed a lot since your original beauty. For God's sake, the awful state of California requires mandatory dong bags now. NOT COOL! Plus, pretty much everyone highlighted in that post has moved on from the biz. Also NOT COOL.

Prime99 said...

Ape has some gay issues to confront imo. Sorry if your offended.

Michael Sam's dad says he's old school. It is pretty retro to be a non-supportive, bad father.

Mr. Ace said...

I don't think I am qualified to do a current porn post, at least not at nearly the level I did the last one. It's really disappointing to type that.

Anonymous said...

At least he knows his kids name, which is a lot more than I can say about the typical negro father

Racist Gruden

Anonymous said...

The porn industry is moving to Vegas because of the dumb condom law.

G$....We were buying a handle of Captain Morgan's and he called it "jungle juice".

--Drew

GMoney said...

There you go, Wiggy!

Make sure you carve out a good chunk of time for tomorrow's post which is a continuation of yesterday afternoon's comments. Should be good for a chortle or six.