Thursday, January 09, 2014

What Did We Learn From The 2013 College Football Season?

Pictured: Tard, Tard, GENIUS, Jizz Mop
It always feels like the college football season just flies by, doesn’t it? I still remember the opening weekend where it was nearly a billion degrees and the season ended during the POLAR VORTEX. The year began with Alabama and Ohio State being the favorites to make it to the Rose Bowl yet they were proven to be hilarious clown frauds. It ended with dark horses (no offense) at the start of the year playing one of the better national title games ever. So why don’t we spend today counting down the top ten things that we learned about college football in 2013.

1. Texas fans are still a bunch of racists. Hoo boy, Ide’s grandpa, Red McCombs, came out after the hiring of Charlie Strong by the Horns to say that Strong would be a solid position coach. Yeah, this cat is a cocksucker. He probably wanted Mack gone but not as a means to benefit the black man. He probably called Vince Young “son” or “boy”. That’s one of the more underrated things about college football: most of the big time programs have really racist fans.

2. Lane Kiffin will never get another head coaching job again. As well he shouldn’t. The best part about that situation was the fitting way that he got canned…in as humiliating a way as possible. Speaking of shit stain coaches, Louisville is apparently going to bring Bobby Petrino back. LET HIM LIVE. I’m sure that he and Pitino have a lot of great stories to swap.

3. Michigan is in trouble. I was thinking about this the other night actually while brainstorming for this post. What is Michigan? I’m a fan of Brady Hoke but he has been there for three years now and I can’t even begin to answer that question. What do they do? What is their identity? Look at their conference foes: Michigan State’s whole mantra is that they are going to out-physical you. Ohio State is going to run you off the field. Northwestern runs the spread and does their homework. I don’t know what Michigan’s identity is and that is a very bad thing.

4. Next Year’s QB Class is going to be incredible. I’m not going to cry about guy’s going back to school anymore. They will learn in due time that they made a mistake. But that being said, there are a LOT of ELITE arms coming back/still around in 2014. That should make things fun. Maybe Jameis Winston will learn to talk! More Jesus references please!

5. BradyCakes Running Back Rankings are still moronic. This is the kind of thing that you see from stupid fans when they only watch Big Ten football. He still doesn’t know who Andre Williams and Ka’Deem Carey are.

6. The demise of the SEC is greatly exaggerated. Everyone got a good laugh at the conference for not winning their eighth straight national championship but those that say that the rest of the country has caught up to them are gravely mistaken. The SEC isn’t going anywhere. They are still better than everyone else. You need to DEAL WITH IT.

7. Gus Malzahn is one of the best coaches in the nation. To think that 8 years ago he was coaching high school football. Still hope for you yet, Snoad! I’ve been pimping Gus for a long time here regarding his offense and it remains true to this day…dude is the best play-caller in the country. THE BEST. FACT.

8. RIP BCS. Say what you want to about the BCS but every year they gave us a champion that you could believe was the best. Sure, they were greedy as fuck but I’m going to miss it. As I’ve said here plenty of times before, when things play themselves out on the field, fans can’t argue. And being able to argue about things is what makes being a sports fan great. I’m going to miss the BCS.

9. Ass-kicking football is back. I hate the spread offense. I’ve said this numerous times. I would much rather watch two teams run the pro-style than seeing two teams trying to each run 90 plays. Michigan State and STANFORD FOOTBALL have proven that games and titles can still be won in the trenches and not outside the hashes and I like that. The play action pass will always be one of my favorite plays. Read option? HOMO SHIT.

10. And finally, it isn’t going to be as easy for Urban Meyer as everyone thought. We’re not going to dwell too much on this because we always talk about these guys. When Meyer was hired, he was expected to win national titles immediately. Yeah, he won those first 24 games against awful competition, but he was shown a thing or two over the last two losses. At Ohio, you are always going to get everyone’s best and conference titles aren’t good enough. It’s national championship or a failure of a season. That isn’t really fair but those are the expectations.

I’m not sure about the rest of you, but I found 2013 to be a very enjoyable college football season. CFN already has their first rankings out for 2014 and they have the Fuckeyes at #1. While I don’t know about the rest of the nation, I find this a bit of a reach considering they will be replacing 4 OL, a beast RB woman puncher, Shazier, Roby, and maybe the QB to go along with a less than stellar defense. That doesn’t feel like a #1 team to me. But whatever, that is why they play the games in September not January 9th. Have some final takes for college football today, why don’t you! Finally, we will all miss you, Johnny Manziel. Good luck in Cleveland. You're going to need it.

29 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

Fire Borges and get your new OC from Bama? Fuck Yes.

Grumpy said...

Ace's new job must really start early.

That was maybe one of the best college football seasons ever.

Does Winston remind anyone else of Byron Leftwich? Same body and that same long, looping throwing motion that takes too long to get the ball out.

Anonymous said...

It is odd. I thought inner city schools started at noon to cut back on the rampant tardiness that they are known for.

OSU will get better (they have to, right?). Turning over a lot of defense isn't a bad thing. Losing Shaker hurts, but Fickell has turned that place into a linebacker mill. As long as we have Bosa going HAM the next two years we should be good. According to most people here on Tuesday, Roby being gone only helps us.

SEC will need to start scheduling better OOC teams. The playoffs will change the entire landscape of conference reputation. Except the B1G. We are hot dogshit. Adding Maryland and Nappy headed hos will NOT make us fearsome.

Charlie Strong will be black next season. I can't wait for the TAKES.

MSU/OSU will be fun for a while. UM is now little sister. The UM/Detroit narrative us excellent. And if Justified is to be believed (it is), then Canada is better than Detroit. If only UMs staff had the same unemployment rate, amirite?

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Job totes starts early. We demand excellence now so they don't mug you later.

The Fuckeyes being a LB mill gets all the LULZ.

GMoney said...

Yeah I got a good chortle about the "LB mill" line, too. Dumbest thing said here in a coon's age! Stick with taking awful pictures of minor celebrities and lies, Jizzface.

At least we know now that WE ON is about to get an identity. Nussmeier is a good hire. Bama possibly replacing him with Lane Kiffin would be the BEST.

Randall Stevens said...

That's a pretty outstanding hire by Michigan. If anyone can turn around that poop offense it's Nussmeier. Guess who has been kicked around as the new Bama OC?? That's right. Lane Kiffin. He will not go quietly into the night.

Randall Stevens said...

You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to beat G$ to HOT TAEKS, apparently.

Jeff said...

Shefty says all signs point to Jay Gruden for the Pigskins. LOLZ

GMoney said...

Hold yo butt, Jeff, because I am also hearing that Jim Caldwell could be the DARK horse. That would be the worst hire ever.

Randall will never beat me in a speed takes match. Those do exist.

Jeff said...

Jay Jay Jay! Always knew RG3 liked the white meat.

Anonymous said...

I wonder how pissed Hoke was when Brandon forced him to fire his buddy.

I find it odd that Saban seemingly forced Nussmeier out for Kiffin. I don't know how Kiffin does it. Definitely a big upgrade for Michigan.

Buckeyes definitely aren't the #1 team in the nation next year. The team in two years is gonna be the one that is loaded...even with a new QB. That team is gonna be sumthin'.

That Texas guy is TOTES indeed a racist. I love that Texas fans were trying to defend him by saying he once hired Dennis Green. The old "I have black friends" defense. Look at Charlie Strong's resume....and he thinks that he could be a good POSITION coach at Texas. Yeah, him being black has nothing to do with that retarded view.

Albert Breer is also saying that Andy Dalton's offensive coach is finalizing a deal to be HC of the Skins.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Well...at least he's white. Dude got Andy Dalton to the playoffs for three straight years so maybe he knows something. It's hard to respect anyone that is willing to work for Dan Snyder though.

Nate said...

"That Texas guy is TOTES indeed a racist. I love that Texas fans were trying to defend him by saying he once hired Dennis Green. The old "I have black friends" defense."


Reminds of this black guy I used to be friends with back in high school. The guy was a monster on the football field. We called him "The Exterminator"

Anonymous said...

Haslett staying on as DC in DC. That is just awesome, G$ has less to be excited about than Browns fans.

Ide

GMoney said...

You know, I'm fine with Jon Gruden's chunky brother as our coach. The guy knows what it's like to work under god awful management already. The important thing is who he brings in as DC. I hope that he goes after Jim Schwartz (not kidding).

GMoney said...

Well, thanks for ruining my dreams, Ide. WTF! Jim Haslett is the worst.

GMoney said...

The Haslett return might be premature. I'm reading now that our DC could be Raheem Morris. SUPER BOWL!

New OC is Sean McVay who was playing for the RedHawks 5 years ago. That is one hell of an ascension.

Anonymous said...

My speedy takes are STREMPHY!

Ide

Prime99 said...

It would be funny if John Gruden was hard on Jay on a broadcast. John sucks off every other shitty player but not his BRO.

HarBRAHs > GruDEN

Randall Stevens said...

I wonder what racist John Gruden thinks about the hire....

Grumpy said...

Josh McDaniels visited the Browns and said "Hell no".

Cakes said...

My running back rankings hold true. Carlos is still the baddest muthafucka on the planet. For whatever reason, Herman didn't go to him in some big spots this year that ended up hurting us. Hope he ends up wearing Orange and Brown at the next level.

Anonymous said...

Hey Grumpy - do your homework before making yourself look like a fucking idiot...

McDaniels interviewed and was told he wasn't our number one choice at the moment, and then withdrew himself because he was butt-hurt that we weren't bending over backwards to get him.

Nice try, rapist fan.

Seal

Jeff said...

That's because your number 1 choice is sucking. Always has been and always will be.

Randall agrees.

GMoney said...

Good burn, Jeff. Your #1 choice is always "sucking".

I doubt that Jon says much about Jay because I think that the NFL learned a valuable lesson five times this season: don't put the Redskins in prime time.

Hyde is such Ide with an H so he is OBVZ a lightweight pussy liar faggot. SCIENCE.

Prime99 said...

Funny, that's exactly what McDaniels did to Cutler back in the day. I guess it's cool to be butt hurt if you're a coach but not a QB. McDaniels is a douche.

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna do something here that I'm not proud of...but, I'm siding with Slow Seal on this one. McDaniels isn't going into Cleveland for an interview and then telling them "Thanks, but no thanks". He'd be a head coach and get a massive raise to go along with it.

--Drew

Randall Stevens said...

It's comments like that that make me feel you were robbed of COTY, Jeff. Tremendous execution...as hurtful as the truth may be.

Anonymous said...

LSU is going to be very STRONG next year.