|I wouldn't want that douche fisting my kid either.|
YOUR dad - So his dad came home and apparently hates the idea of his son eating Taco Bell so much that he wants to chase him through the neighborhood. Also, dad, PUT YOUR DOG ON A LEASH. If that dog attacks mine, I will sue you so hard. If it is his dad chasing him, what is the kid's next move? Is he never coming home again? Being a runaway isn't nearly as cool as Soul Asylum makes it seem. You're going to throw away your family and shelter over a faux nacho? That kid is dumb.
HER dad - This is probably the most likely option although it is very unclear. So let's break down the scene. Dad comes home early to see his teenage daughter hanging with this shithead kid. The only reason for him to get this mad would be if the kid was wrist deep in his baby girl. I'm going to assume no banging was going on because that kid sucks way too much to get laid as a teen (plus, he is fully clothed). So dad sees his daughter getting finger-blasted which sets him off and thus the chase is on. Now, this kid should be terrified for his life because why the fuck wouldn't he be. Instead, he grabs his $1.29 Grilled Stuft Nacho on his sprint out the door. Have you ever tried to eat while running? Of course you have not because no one has done this ever. I hope that the dad caught him because the kid got a nacho-induced side cramp, killed him, and then ate him. End scene. Think outside the bun, BRAH!
On second thought, maybe this thing is so good that teenage kids are willing to die over it. In that case, if you need me, I'll be at the Taco Bell drive-thru because we all know that I'm going to try it anyway. That commercial sucks...but not enough for me to turn my back on delicious ethnic food. Now let's talk about shitty playoff performances!
Ohio Buckeyes - Tomorrow. It's going to be a long day but the wait will be worth it.
Trent Richardson - What a fitting end to a god awful season for the former wart hog and current bottle of lupus. 1 carry for 0 yards a killer fumble! I still don't think that the Browns won this trade. Maybe they didn't lose, but not a win either.
Andrew Luck - Yeah yeah yeah, he's going to get way too much high praise for that insane comeback, but he was a HUGE reason why a comeback needed to be made at all. And does he own a mirror? He looks more Amish than Randy Quaid's family in Kingpin. SHAVE.
The Chiefs Medical Staff - They lost something like 432 players over the course of three hours. It is THE reason why they choked. They had no one but special teamers left. And that kind of sucks but whatever. They went from #1 pick to 11 wins. DEAL WITH IT.
Andy Reid - Poor fat, shitty father. He means so well but he just can't help himself. He absolutely MUST waste his timeouts. Oh well, we won't miss the Chiefs. That was a terrific start to the playoffs. Let's hope that we didn't just watch the best game of January.
Eagles Fans - Apparently, most of the Eagles fans were rooting against Andy Reid and laughing it up after he lost. What the fuck is wrong with these miscreants? Reid has his shortcomings but he gave the Eagles the most success that they have EVER seen and ever will. What would you expect from people who yell COOOOOOOP for Riley Cooper? Seriously, this guy should not be cheered ever. The Eagles have the worst fans in all of sports and no one else comes close.
LeSean McCoy - He did almost nothing against a bad defense and that was a surprise. Hell, he was out-performed by Mark fucking Ingram who actually looked really good. If 2013 was the year of redemption for Ryan Mathews, then I'm calling 2014 the year of Ingram.
Mr. Ace - First of all, your team blows and is sitting at home right now because they gay. Second, you made about 400 prop bets and from what I could tell you lost 80% of them. In other words, you suck dicks. BIG DIX.
Chip Kelly - When Chippy goes to training camp in 2014, it is going to be a huge surprise the first time that he looks in the mirror and sees Mike Shanahan staring back at him. Because next year's Eagles team is going to look awfully similar to this year's Redskins team. They are pretty much exactly the same team. QB that doesn't turn the ball over and is past due. ELITE RB. Pretty good receivers. Shitty statistical defense that made plays when needed but rarely gets to the QB. Took advantage of crappy schedule. Mark my words: the 2014 Eagles are a 6 win team at best simply because everything fell into place this year so it won't next year. Plus, defenses are going to figure shit out. DEAL WITH IT. Good game though. Consider me the biggest Saints fan on the planet this coming week.
Marvin Lewis and Jay Gruden - These two are going to catch a lot of heat for yesterday's pathetic performance, and rightfully so, but what are they supposed to do? A coach can only do so much. You can have the best game plan in the world but it doesn't mean shit if your skill players on offense do nothing positive. Speaking of which:
AJ Green and Gio Bernard - Just bad which is odd since they were both starters on MSFL Champion The BRAHS. AJ has a weird tendency to drop deep balls and Gio couldn't hold onto anything. His redzone fumble turned the tide for good.
Jeff Triplette - This guy is such a horrible referee. How is he getting playoff games? Well, it's a Bengals game which is the equivalent to whatever the Indians played in last year. The FACT that rubetard, FEEL SEEMS, kept agreeing with his calls only confirms how bad he is. Phil Simms is an awful commentator.
Andy Dalton - Hoo boy. So many things to say about him. He has ONE touchdown pass in THREE playoff games. He just isn't a franchise QB and we know this now. The problem is that the Bengals are going to end up paying him and nothing is going to change. We had the same talk last week with the Bears and Cutler. The worst thing is to be stuck in the middle; where you commit to mediocrity because "it's the best we've got". In some ways, I would rather be a Browns fan because at least you don't know the future. They're getting another QB (who will probably still suck but at least he's new!). The Bengals and Bears are sticking with what is getting them nowhere. And that sucks. Let's not sugarcoat it though: Andy Dalton was absolutely terrible yesterday. Maybe he just needs to start wearing a bolo tie like Rivers.
The Late Game - Not really too much to complain about from yesterday's nightcap on Lambeau's 100% manure field. Considering the conditions, I thought that both teams played well. It's always nice to see Johnny Coon get his playoff moment. I was disappointed with Ed Hochuli wearing sleeves and declaring that the game ended on a 49ers "touchdown". Had the Packers won, everyone would have talked forever about that 4th down pass that Rodgers threw and ignored the gigantic missed holding call. Whatever. The 49ers are the better team.
Wow. That was a lot of words. This is what happens when I do my postgame recaps after each game. The odd thing about this weekend is that the favorites were 0-3-1 (gametime spread). That's incredible. The BCS Title game is tonight. Florida State is an 8.5 point favorite. Considering that not only has every BCS underdog covered, but they all have won, I suppose the smart money would be on Auburn tonight. Predictions? Next weekend should be fantastic: Cam/Kaep! Rusty/Breesus! Marmalard/Peyton! Luck/Brady! We're done with the Daltons and Smiffs...time for the real men to play.