Monday, January 06, 2014

The Worst of Wild Card Weekend Vol.VII

I wouldn't want that douche fisting my kid either.
Every once in a coon's age, I will dissect some awful commercial here and it always brings the LOLZ.  I am doing this today.  If you've watched any bowl game this season then you have seen the ad for the new Grilled Stuft Nacho from Taco Bell.  First of all, that isn't a nacho.  It isn't even close.  It is maybe a quesadilla and we all know how pointless those are.  Second, that thing looks awful.  I am forever pro-Taco Bell but this appears to be a really shitty product.  But regarding the ad itself where the guy is chasing some dumb kid down the street: is it HIS dad or some girl's dad?  I've listened to that jingle closely every time it is on and I still can't tell if it says HER or YOUR dad.  Let's break down this kid's reaction for both options:

YOUR dad - So his dad came home and apparently hates the idea of his son eating Taco Bell so much that he wants to chase him through the neighborhood.  Also, dad, PUT YOUR DOG ON A LEASH.  If that dog attacks mine, I will sue you so hard.  If it is his dad chasing him, what is the kid's next move?  Is he never coming home again?  Being a runaway isn't nearly as cool as Soul Asylum makes it seem.  You're going to throw away your family and shelter over a faux nacho?  That kid is dumb.

HER dad - This is probably the most likely option although it is very unclear. So let's break down the scene.  Dad comes home early to see his teenage daughter hanging with this shithead kid.  The only reason for him to get this mad would be if the kid was wrist deep in his baby girl.  I'm going to assume no banging was going on because that kid sucks way too much to get laid as a teen (plus, he is fully clothed).  So dad sees his daughter getting finger-blasted which sets him off and thus the chase is on.  Now, this kid should be terrified for his life because why the fuck wouldn't he be. Instead, he grabs his $1.29 Grilled Stuft Nacho on his sprint out the door.  Have you ever tried to eat while running?  Of course you have not because no one has done this ever.  I hope that the dad caught him because the kid got a nacho-induced side cramp, killed him, and then ate him.  End scene.  Think outside the bun, BRAH!

On second thought, maybe this thing is so good that teenage kids are willing to die over it.  In that case, if you need me, I'll be at the Taco Bell drive-thru because we all know that I'm going to try it anyway.  That commercial sucks...but not enough for me to turn my back on delicious ethnic food.  Now let's talk about shitty playoff performances!

Ohio Buckeyes - Tomorrow.  It's going to be a long day but the wait will be worth it.

Trent Richardson - What a fitting end to a god awful season for the former wart hog and current bottle of lupus.  1 carry for 0 yards a killer fumble!  I still don't think that the Browns won this trade.  Maybe they didn't lose, but not a win either.

Andrew Luck - Yeah yeah yeah, he's going to get way too much high praise for that insane comeback, but he was a HUGE reason why a comeback needed to be made at all.  And does he own a mirror?  He looks more Amish than Randy Quaid's family in Kingpin.  SHAVE.

The Chiefs Medical Staff - They lost something like 432 players over the course of three hours.  It is THE reason why they choked.  They had no one but special teamers left.  And that kind of sucks but whatever.  They went from #1 pick to 11 wins.  DEAL WITH IT.

Andy Reid - Poor fat, shitty father.  He means so well but he just can't help himself.  He absolutely MUST waste his timeouts.  Oh well, we won't miss the Chiefs.  That was a terrific start to the playoffs.  Let's hope that we didn't just watch the best game of January.

Eagles Fans - Apparently, most of the Eagles fans were rooting against Andy Reid and laughing it up after he lost.  What the fuck is wrong with these miscreants?  Reid has his shortcomings but he gave the Eagles the most success that they have EVER seen and ever will.  What would you expect from people who yell COOOOOOOP for Riley Cooper?  Seriously, this guy should not be cheered ever. The Eagles have the worst fans in all of sports and no one else comes close.

LeSean McCoy - He did almost nothing against a bad defense and that was a surprise.  Hell, he was out-performed by Mark fucking Ingram who actually looked really good.  If 2013 was the year of redemption for Ryan Mathews, then I'm calling 2014 the year of Ingram.

Mr. Ace - First of all, your team blows and is sitting at home right now because they gay.  Second, you made about 400 prop bets and from what I could tell you lost 80% of them.  In other words, you suck dicks.  BIG DIX.

Chip Kelly - When Chippy goes to training camp in 2014, it is going to be a huge surprise the first time that he looks in the mirror and sees Mike Shanahan staring back at him.  Because next year's Eagles team is going to look awfully similar to this year's Redskins team.  They are pretty much exactly the same team.  QB that doesn't turn the ball over and is past due.  ELITE RB.  Pretty good receivers.  Shitty statistical defense that made plays when needed but rarely gets to the QB.  Took advantage of crappy schedule.  Mark my words: the 2014 Eagles are a 6 win team at best simply because everything fell into place this year so it won't next year.  Plus, defenses are going to figure shit out.  DEAL WITH IT.  Good game though. Consider me the biggest Saints fan on the planet this coming week.

Marvin Lewis and Jay Gruden - These two are going to catch a lot of heat for yesterday's pathetic performance, and rightfully so, but what are they supposed to do?  A coach can only do so much.  You can have the best game plan in the world but it doesn't mean shit if your skill players on offense do nothing positive.  Speaking of which:

AJ Green and Gio Bernard - Just bad which is odd since they were both starters on MSFL Champion The BRAHS.  AJ has a weird tendency to drop deep balls and Gio couldn't hold onto anything.  His redzone fumble turned the tide for good.

Jeff Triplette - This guy is such a horrible referee.  How is he getting playoff games?  Well, it's a Bengals game which is the equivalent to whatever the Indians played in last year.  The FACT that rubetard, FEEL SEEMS, kept agreeing with his calls only confirms how bad he is.  Phil Simms is an awful commentator.

Andy Dalton - Hoo boy.  So many things to say about him.  He has ONE touchdown pass in THREE playoff games.  He just isn't a franchise QB and we know this now.  The problem is that the Bengals are going to end up paying him and nothing is going to change.  We had the same talk last week with the Bears and Cutler.  The worst thing is to be stuck in the middle; where you commit to mediocrity because "it's the best we've got".  In some ways, I would rather be a Browns fan because at least you don't know the future.  They're getting another QB (who will probably still suck but at least he's new!).  The Bengals and Bears are sticking with what is getting them nowhere.  And that sucks.  Let's not sugarcoat it though: Andy Dalton was absolutely terrible yesterday.  Maybe he just needs to start wearing a bolo tie like Rivers.

The Late Game - Not really too much to complain about from yesterday's nightcap on Lambeau's 100% manure field.  Considering the conditions, I thought that both teams played well.  It's always nice to see Johnny Coon get his playoff moment.  I was disappointed with Ed Hochuli wearing sleeves and declaring that the game ended on a 49ers "touchdown".  Had the Packers won, everyone would have talked forever about that 4th down pass that Rodgers threw and ignored the gigantic missed holding call.  Whatever.  The 49ers are the better team.

Wow.  That was a lot of words.  This is what happens when I do my postgame recaps after each game.  The odd thing about this weekend is that the favorites were 0-3-1 (gametime spread).  That's incredible.  The BCS Title game is tonight.  Florida State is an 8.5 point favorite. Considering that not only has every BCS underdog covered, but they all have won, I suppose the smart money would be on Auburn tonight.  Predictions?  Next weekend should be fantastic: Cam/Kaep!  Rusty/Breesus!  Marmalard/Peyton!  Luck/Brady!  We're done with the Daltons and Smiffs...time for the real men to play.


Grumpy said...

HER parents come home early; the daughter is blowing him while he eats his stuft whatever.

Mr. Ace said...

Grump totally gets this commercial. Impressive.

I did go a little cray cray on the props. I fared much better with them last night in capitalizing off Vegas's overrating of R Cobb and underrating of Crabtree/Jordy. Also hitting the prop of 3 Wild Card teams winning paid out at suck me.

I had a bad feeling about the Eagles game going in. I don't trust our D, and they showed why. Still a good year for us.

Eagles=Skins? LOLZ. Ya, totes the same...other than a QB coming off a horrible injury, a QB that has a say in running the franchise, and a QB/hate coach that hate each other. TOTES THE SAME!

GMoney said...

Just you wait...a one-legged RG3 is still better than Nick Foles so you're right that it isn't the same. The Eagles run at the top is going to be very short-lived. Garbage teams with horrible defenses that catch a lot of breaks tend to do the exact opposite the next year. Way to root for the future Skins, ferry.

I applaud T-Bell for using implied teenage BJs in their marketing campaign then. Who wants a stuft nacho? My treat! You've got to blow me though because apparently that is the rule.

Anonymous said...

Well, my picks here were shit which means that I'm still riding a hot losing streak. I will abstain from gambling until Super Bowl prop mania.

I will try that Taco Bell thing at one point.

Did anyone catch Marmalard after the game? That is one seriously snappy dresser.

You should ALWAYS cheer for Riley Cooper. He is a champion and has amazing morals. You should never, however, cheer for the Eagles. Fly Eagles Fly! Amirite Ape?

Tomorrow should be a great time featuring a fan of a dog shit team blasting his rival for going to a game that they could never hope to reach. Can't wait.


Mr. Ace said...

Chip made the playoffs his first year. Chip> Shanny.

I have orientation today so I will likely be gone today. I accepted a job at a Catholic non-prof in the hood so I could sell Satanism and peddle drugs through elementary students. #PerfectYoHustle

Mr. Ace said...

...Michigan was in a BCS Bowl...and WON just two years ago. LOLZ U MAD BRO?

Paul Wall better bring some bangerz tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

One's lost three in a row and one's lsot two in a row. One is 2-2 versus top 25 teams and one is 1-2 versus same measurement. One said they'd never lose, and one didn't.

GMoney said...

^^^I have no idea what you're talking about. Eating carp? Probably eating carp.

If you are looking for someone here to defend Shanny then you will be looking for awhile.

Breaking news: Chip Kelly has no titles ever. Never will. He can't even win the award for "Most Stylish Sideline Visor" as that goes to future Browns coach Bob Poops.

I'll tell you what, the Philip Rivers Revival Tour is incredible. His bolo ties just keep getting better. They work well with his LULZ facial expressions.

The Lions job is Ken Whisenhunt's to lose...what does that even mean???


Nate said...

Florida State 45

Auburn 21

Anonymous said...


I feel like live tweeting the game getting more and more blacked out (so much so, that I can't really pick out one thing to be bad about on that last drive since it was all a blur) validates my silence or more likely patented College Basketball Hijack day.

The TAEKS will be so cold tomorrow, that Kaeparnick would have to wear actual sleeves.

On actual NFL news, Hundley is staying, but Bortles is going (yay?). I will have to check my facebook feed soon since everyone was #ALLIN on Hundley.


GMoney said...

Yeah, this QB draft class is going to be Poop City with everyone be vaginas and going back to "learn".

Kirk Cousins' stock keeps rising.

Stop trying to talk about college football. Tomorrow is the final Tuesday for that. Don't ruin it like you ruin the world for everyone that knows you.

Anonymous said...

I hope Whisenhunt gets the Lions job. He's got a pretty decent track record, head coaching experience, gets rave reviews for hsi QB coaching abilities and his players seem to fucking love him. The only other coach at this point that interests me is Zimmer, but I think we need an offensive guy.

Two dumb things stick out in this post this morning...

1.) The Browns absolutely won that trade. T-Rich is worthless and somehow they turned that into a 1st round pick of worth? Could they blow that pick? Absolutely. I still bet whomever they pick turns out to be better than T-Rich, which means they won.

2.) There is no way that you can say you'd rather be a Browns fan than a Bengals fan. It's also not better to be a Lions or Redskins fan. They won their division and made the playoffs.....again. Even if they are stuck with Dalton...they are still winning more than the other three organizations and having more enjoyable seasons. Tonya's Queefs > G$ farts...never forget.


Anonymous said...

Pretty is the crew that Rodman brought to North Korea for a game against the "North Korean All-Stars" as a birfday present to Kim Jong-Un

The team comprises Kenny Anderson, Vin Baker, Cliff Robinson, Charles Smith, Doug Christie, Sleepy Floyd, Craig Hodges, and four streetball players


Jeff said...

A first place schedule compared to a last place schedule with a team that went worst to first = at least 3 more losses the following season.

Where were all the Bungel fans at yesterday on the social media outlets!?!?!

Jeff said...

Ape claiming he hit the +455 prop over the weekend, but not saying his total $$$ win/loss means he lost.

Anonymous said...

Redskins have asked permission to speak with Jay Gruden...LOLZ!


GMoney said...

It's no worse than wanting to talk to Jim Caldwell which is funny because he has yet to speak.

The Browns did not win that trade. Look at that front office...all losers while T-Rich is still playing. Science.

All I'm saying about the Bengals/Browns fan thing is that I'd rather have no ceiling due to too many question marks than repeatedly be hitting the ceiling like the Bengals are now. We all can see that the Bingles will NEVER do better than where they currently are with Dalton. I would hate to be in that spot.

Anonymous said...

Caldwell is black...gotta get that Rooney Rule done early.


Anonymous said...

James Franklin to interview for Skins job too.


Randall Stevens said...

Big ups to the Colts punter...I think Pat something or other...for tweeting a three quarters nude pic of Andy Luck in the locker room after the game. Women nationwide immediately started sewing their vaginas shut.

Nick Foles = Kevin Kolb.

The Browns lost that trade because they are the Browns.

Anonymous said...

I have zero idea how anyone can say the Bengals are in a better position than the Browns. That is plain horseshit. While I hate the Browns with an unknown amount of passion for consistently fucking me in the ass, I still look at Mike Brown and Marvin LOLewis, and I still feel better about myself.

Therein lies the problem; Idiots will point to records, and think that is a measuring stick for future stock, yet it's not. The Bengals won't go to the playoffs next year. Their fans won't care (because they really never do until week 12, if they have a shot at post season). And all will be right with the world. Their front office is as laughable as one that I've ever seen. Browns fan.

When Mike Zimmer finally leaves for somewhere (though just to rile up Peter King, I hope he doesn't), that defense is going to go by the wayside and then the team solely rests on that ginger and his merry band of choke artists. Can't wait.

Ask yourself: would you rather have Mike Brown or Jimmy Haslam? Even though he is a slimy piece of shit, I'd still take Haslam. His evil laugh > Mike Browns gaping maw. Truf.

I woke up this morning oddly excited to attend this years NFL draft.


Jeff said...

Ide, that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. You soo dumb for realz.

GMoney said...

Whoa...Mike Brown or The Felon? That's a tough choice. I would probably pick Haslam.

To be fair, I wouldn't want to be a fan of either team.

Caldwell, Perry Fewell, AND James Franklin...WHO SAYS THIS FRANCHISE IS RACIST!!!

Prime99 said...

The Packers losing is always great. Always.

Pat McAfee is the punter that was a moron and posted the pic that was supposed to be of Vinitari but was really of Andy Luck naked. Just because he makes big hits doesn't mean he can share naked locker room photos. Dumbass.

LOL Bengals!

Anonymous said...

So, we've got one Browns fan who says that they didn't win a trade that they obviously won, because they are the Browns and never win anything.

Then we've got another Browns fan that says the organization that just went to the playoffs three years in a worse than the Browns...AND that when they lose their DC...that THEIR FRONT OFFICE HIRED...they will go back to being bad.

Browns fans everybody!


Grumpy said...

The Bengals would have been blacked out at home if not for last minute corporate largess.

Mikey Boy is an idiot for not seeing the PR value of buying the last 3K tickets and donating them to charitable groups.

How about Chad offering to buy the last 6,000 tickets? When the Bengals contacted him for a credit card number, it went straight to voicemail.

Randall Stevens said...

What Chad are you referring to, Grumpy? Chad Hoyt? Count it.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Chad, his twitter feed popped up on mine yesterday, so out of boredom, I clicked on it. Man, OCNN is filled with hilariously awful news.

The one I clicked on went like this: Manziel to sign with Jay Z? Followed by a story of how they were at the same club in Miami after the bowl game. The article ended with, "Manziel got there right as Jay Z left and sources say there was no interaction." HOT SCOOP.

I hope he stays bankrupt.


Anonymous said...

Ive had the new TBell thing you speak of and its pretty damn good - tastes very similar to a nachos bell grande, which happens to be one of the top 3 things on the menu. So obviously its good.

As I said to Ide yesterday, all of us (including myself) that picked the Bengals on this site Friday should be punched. Andy Dalton is horseshit.

Besides the bungals game (even though i liked the outcome), I thought the other 3 were fantastic.

The only team the Browns are in a better position than is the Cavs...


GMoney said...

Drew, you are not comprehending things. It's better to be in flux than to be committed to something that you know isn't going to work.

Division titles don't mean shit, right? You play in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE to win SUPER BOWLS. It's not the best theory because no one should ever be pleased to root for the Browns but it makes sense to prefer a question mark over Andy Dalton.

Lions are interviewing Jay Gruden as well so LOLZ TO U.

Best line from yesterday was, of course, from PFTC after Woodhead scored:


Anonymous said...

If you get into the playoffs you ALWAYS have a chance to win the Super Bowl. Look at Joe Fucking Flacco. If the Bengals keep getting there, then their season will always be more interesting than the Lions, Browns and Redskins shitting all over themselves each year and playing meaningless games at the end of the regular season.

We Wizzin'....token interviews for everyone else.


Anonymous said...

Randall Stephens-I don't know you & don't care to, but Hoyt This!

Chad Hoyt

GMoney said...

Yeah, my fault for not giving DAP on the Hoyt reference.

Andy Dalton is not stringing together 3 or 4 playoff wins. Joe Flacco is a WAY better QB (probably because of his Mighty Wings intake).

But if Whis "loses the job"!!!

Anonymous said...

Gruden says Lions did not ask him for interview. Vikings, Redskins and Titans did...and he's going to them. The LOLZ is back on!


GMoney said...

Where the fuck is Cakes today? He's in a level way he should not be commenting. Is he Li'l Struttin' us? YOU ARE NOT BIGGER THAN THIS COMMENT SECTION.

Anonymous said...

Cakes is TOTES out "Snowsquall Chasing"....winter version of Tornado Chasing.


Randall Stevens said...

Christ! I never thought a Hoyt reference would take so long to get recognized. What has this place become??

Have you guys seen the movie Twister? That's what Cakes is doing right now but replace chasing tornados with dry humping snow piles.

GMoney said...

I did see that he just finished his bar at the house. When is going to invite us over for Rumplemintz and Scotch and Indians Baseball? Because we are sophisticated men obvz.

I call first upper decker.

Mr. Ace said...

Chip Kelly is a hip hop coach.