Monday, January 13, 2014

The Worst of the Divisional Round Vol.VII

We don't give out an Asshole of the Year Award here but we might have to now.  Allow me to explain: I've said numerous times here how awesome doggy day care facilities are.  We have taken our dog to one near the wife's office twice a week for the last 3+ years and it is money well spent.  It gives your dog a chance to play all day, socialize with other dogs, and most importantly, wear themselves the fuck out.  During last week's POLAR VORTEX, Ohio State was closed for two days and since our place is right near anOSU, they were closed Monday and Tuesday as well.  Inconvenient, but fine, I get it.  We get a FB message from them on Tuesday night saying that they will be closed on Wednesday as well and to keep checking Facebook for updates.

So on Wednesday, there is no update.  The phone number there still has an automated message saying that they would be closed on Wed but nothing about Thursday.  I call them again on Thursday morning, still no answer, and this time no automated reply.  We get home on Thursday night and I decide to do some ELITE Facebook stalking of people that work there.  Yep, on Wednesday, the entire staff was told by the owner that they no longer had jobs (these are mostly college kids that work there) and that the day care was closed ASAP.  No warning to anyone.  Since you have to pre-pay, do you think that anyone is getting refunded?  I don't think so.  I understand fucking over humans but you don't pull that shit on adorable dogs.  EVER.  The owner of Noah's Bark just fucked over his employees, customers, and hundreds of dogs.  And he took all the money with him.  I hope that that guy suffers when he dies from being raped by a dinosaur.  YOU ARE THE WORST.  But after some research, we've got our little guy in a new place this week (on Riverside).  Thieves are the Ides of society.  Looking forward to seeing what The PupTown Lounge has in store for our fella.  This new Doggy Day Care place better be "doin' work, doggy".  Rant over.  Oh, and if you're wondering how much this guy stole from us, we only had two sessions left to burn so it was like $35.  I've killed shitheads for way less than that.  On to the worst of the NFL Divisional Round!

Russell Wilson - I hope that you all took my advice and bet the under on this game because the weather was even worse than I thought it would be and it was never in doubt.  That being said, Rusty Dubs was absolutely atrocious.  He was the worst player on the field.  FACT.  Brandon Weeden could've done what he did.  Also a FACT.

Sean Payton - He called a horrible offensive game and decided that it was a good idea to try two 45+ yard field goals with the barely average Shayne Graham.  That was DUMB.  Rob Ryan's defense played their asses off (then again, they didn't have to defend the pass).  I didn't think that either team really deserved to win this game.

Pussy Hurtin' - Nice comeback, Percy.  Died on the field twice.  His mouthpiece is probably still there somwhere.  Go away.

John Lynch - How many times are you going to tell that story of Bill Parcells wanting Khiry Robinson to get more carries?  Because you finished that game with 104 times.

Golden Tate - Colston will catch a ton of LULZ for his weirdo decision to throw a lateral on what turned out to be the last play of the game but they still would have needed a hail mary to be answered which likely would not have been.  Then again, this situation would have never mattered at all if the homo from Notre Dame could field an easy ground ball.  In conclusion, this was a garbage goddamn game and I'm glad that I bet the under and bought the extra points to get it to SEA -6.5.  DOUBLE WIN!

Ulysses S. Luck - I think that we can all agree that Andrew Luck has the worst beard ever.  Twitter seems to think that he is going for the look of Civil War General/Amish Butter Churner.  I agree with this.  It looks horrible yet somehow even worse when Luck is frothing at the mouth.  Luck is great but he is proving to be somewhat of a turnover machine.

Greg Schiano - So Blunt ran for four touchdowns on Saturday night which might have been the biggest upset in the history of football. Between Blunt and Aqib Talib, just know that Schiano just gave these two studs to Bill Belichick for basically nothing in return.  So if the Patriots win the AFC or Super Bowl, we can all blame Schiano for being a horrible judge of talent.

Dan Dierdorf - You will not be missed in the booth.  At least he saved his worst for last.  I think that that is all that I have to say about that game.  It wasn't very good and the Colts luck finally ran out.  Pun intended.

Ric Flair - Uh oh, even if The Nature Boy was welcome at the Panthers game, he was going to get arrested on a bench warrant.  Poor Naitch.  Literally, very poor Naitch.

Anquan Boldin - Christ, for being such a great player, dude is really hard to root for because of how he acts.  Just walk back to the fucking huddle instead of head-butting everyone on the defense.  Speaking of which...

Carl Cheffers and Crew - They were fucking terrible.  I am sort of a savant when it comes to NFL officiating.  I know the good ones (Mike Carey) and the horrible ones (Jeff Triplette).  The crew in Carolina was horrible.  They let EVERYONE act like apes except for that one guy on Carolina who had the weakest headbutt in world history yet was flagged while Boldin was not two drives later.  And then they missed a too many men penalty on the final drive of the first half.  TERRIBLE.  MORE BOOGER.

Riverboat Ron - I thought that Cam played really well for his first playoff game ever but their offense inside the five just killed them.  If you're going to gamble on fourth downs, you can't fail.  They failed.  The Panthers belonged despite the final score but, I think I can speak for all of us when I say, YES PLEASE NINERS/SEAHAWKS.

Ken Whisenhunt - If the Lions job was "his to lose" than his play-calling in the first three quarters should have lost it.  That was awful.  What were the even running other than "1 yard run" and "dropped pass play"?  That game was RIPE for the taking and the poop offense gave it.  Well, that and...

The Chargers DL - It's called a fucking hard count.  They do it at all levels.  Fucking Big Rex even did it.  SD jumped offsides five times.  FIVE times.  They were probably too sad that Manti T'eo got hurt.  He is such an inspiration.

Jim Nantz - We get it.  You love the Broncos.  You need to do a better job of disguising who you're rooting for.

Peyton Manning - So what?  He didn't cover and scored 24 points at home against a really bad defense.  Nothing has changed.  Dude is a loser and you all know it.

Well, this weekend's games all pretty much sucked which was a surprise.  But, HOLY SHIT, next weekend's conference championship games are about as ELITE as it gets.  Sure, the Redskins aren't there but the second through fifth best teams are!  DEN/NE and SEA/SF will be amazing.  I can't wait.  And after going 4-0 on the bet sheet yesterday, my wallet can't wait either (early indication is betting the Patriots and Seahawks). Oh, and if there are any Fuckeye hoops fans out there, please discuss your tremendous home loss to Wayne Trace yesterday.  Pop in tomorrow for the first post from Randall Stevens, BRAH!

44 comments:

Anonymous said...

The lesson to be learned is that a business owner would rather close down shop than play with your beagle. Beagles are like cats and are therefore useless.

LULZ at Marquis Colston.

Ide

GMoney said...

I think I speak for everyone on the planet when I say that we would rather play with my dog than speak with you. Go lose to the Iowa Farmers With Hat-Head again.

Randall Stevens said...

The best part about next weekend is no matter what...one of the two quarterbacks G$ talks a ton of shit about will be playing for a Super Bowl.

I'm not sure what sport Colston thought he was playing out there.

Grumpy said...

Even Mrs. Grumpy said of Colston "He can't do that".

Does Randall Stevens have a long term contract? Guaranteed money? Signing bonus? I'm worried about your cap space.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Buckeye hoops for two reasons...
1) The obvious one, losing at home to IOWA. Yikes.
2) Saw an add on Saturday, either on TV or the internet advertising that there were still $10 walk up seats available for the game yesterday against Iowa. Its cute that this has to happen to help you sell out in conference games.

I still cant get used to no Big East in college basketball... but I love it. Syracuse playing UNC and Duke multiple times a year now is tits.

I can see Goodell's boner from here after seeing the matchup's that came to be for next weekends games. Has to be the two best rivalries in each conference (SF/SEA and Peyton/Brady) going against each other for a Super Bowl.

Seal

GMoney said...

I don't h8 Brady. I don't h8 Peyton. I just don't think that Brady is a great FANTASY QB in 2013-14 which he isn't. And I think that Peyton Manning is ridiculously OVERRATED for all of his postseason limp-dickery. I'm not wrong about either assertion. That being said, I will be rooting for Tommy the Tank Engine because it will allow me more trash talk on Monday.

I didn't see any postgame analysis or replays, but was that dude wide open on the Colston lateral attempt? Because that would have been an ELITE way for Pete Carroll to potentially lose if the plan was genius even with flawed execution.

Grump, don't worry about our cap space. It's fine. In FACT, we are gearing up to make a run at LeBron this Summer.

I stick by my story that Rusty Dubs was 100% worthless on Saturday and I could have done his job just as well as he did.

When the Under hits in 3 out of 4 games, you know that the weekend was shit. When I bet the Under in EVERY game, that's not good at all.

GMoney said...

Also: The Cavs lost by 44 to the goddamn KINGS last night. ELITE! MIKE BROWN COACHES DEFENSE!

Anonymous said...

The most exciting thing about this weekend was the Game of Thrones preview. The Red Viper!!! Tyrion in jail (!!!!!). DRAGONS! Needle!

The rest of the weekend was ok.

ide

Daniel said...

G$ - Can you give me some details on Noah's? I actually take my dogs to the Noah's on North Hamilton Road, and I had not heard anything about this. Is that location also impacted? I actually have a $25 deposit with them to watch our dogs next Friday when we go to Cleveland for a GL Brewery Tour! FUCK

Mr. Ace said...

G$, the UNDER was 3-1 last weekend...and those games were fucking tits.

You can bring your dog to my house and stay in the Thunderdome for free. Toughen him up a little bit.

I missed a 5 play parlay because Car/SF were fucking ass in the red zone and couldn't get over 41. 5-2 overall yesterday so I guess I will take it.

I can't remember his handle right now, but I am following a dude on twitter who has hit 20 of his last 22 ncaa plays. Incredible.

Daniel said...

Sure enough - Noah's on North Hamilton road is also closed! FUCKS STOLE MY $25!

Daniel said...

http://www.10tv.com/content/stories/2014/01/10/gahanna-dog-daycare-closes-without-notice.html

GMoney said...

Dan, that fucker is a real asshole. Stealing money from hard-twerkin' Americans such as you and I. This place on Riverside and Henderson seems to be legit as fuck though. I know it's not close or convenient to you Eastsiders, but whatever.

Incarcerated Bob seems to have a good handle on things. You have to read between the lines on his write-ups, but it's pretty easy to see where he is going.

Anonymous said...

That Noah's Bark story is really shitty. What a cocksucker...and in this case, I don't even really feel bad for the dogs. Fuck that guy for basically stealing money from customers and also treating his employees like that. What a true piece of shit. I mean...if he was having lots of financial problems, nobody would blame the guy for closing down his store. But, still give back money owed to your customers/employees and some notice. The good part is that your dog is no longer a puppy...so, perhaps he's more suited these days for the classy perks of a "lounge".

I don't share the same love for the NFL that many of you guys here do, but I'm extremely excited for the two games next Sunday. Goodell has to be jizzing in his pants with those two matchups. He really couldn't have scripted it any better, which is also unfortunate due to how big of a douche he is. The TV ratings for both of those games are just going to be wild....could be some records.

Buckeye game was extremely disappointing. Home losses like that are extremely rare under Thad, but it happened and it was ugly. All of those turnovers in the last ten minutes......woof. I do think that Iowa team is a Sweet 16 team...still can't lose at home to it tho.

Slow Seal's trolls are the worst. Acting like $10 tickets to a college basketball game...that did sell-out....is something embarrassing? Good Lord. Go buy 20 cams of SPAM at your local Giant Eagle for your next year's Cleveland Browns season tickets or whatever that promotion was you moron.

--Drew

Cakes said...

The dog story is fucked up. That dude can go die in a fire. I'm sure the PupTown Lounge is way better even though Noah's Bark had the better name.

That was a really bad weekend of divisional football. None of those games were really in doubt after the first half. I can't wait for this season to be over so JH3 can hire someone off the scrapheap already!

GMoney said...

Yeah, the best part about the Browns is that after shitting all over Chud, no one wants to work for them. NO ONE. Good business decision, Jimmy!

The Lounge is definitely classy but the people who worked at the Bark were terrific. Plus, the Lounge sells t-shirts!

I have heard that Ohio State had been trying to buy Bark's land from him for almost a decade and the figure offered was well into six figures and he never would. And that makes this even more puzzling because clearly he wasn't hurting for money. My guess is that he is Satan.

Mr. Ace said...

It's a little early for gambling advice. But I really like both dogs. NE +5, SF+3, and the UNDER in NE/DEN seem like locks.

Definitely lolz at losing at home for the Fuckeyes. Iowa does look really good though.

Randall Stevens said...

The perks of this job rank up there with the perks of working at a gas station, Grumpy. Actually. Probably less than that. At least working at a gas station you get free unlimited fountain pops.

Daniel said...

Where's the A-Roid talk?

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at comparing the number 3 ranked (certainly not after the new rankings come out today) team in the nation to one of the 3 worst teams in the NFL... who is the moron?

Seal

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Slow Seal circling back after getting SERVED on the Giant Eagle promotion months ago. Like I said...LOLZ @ you for thinking $10 tickets to a college basketball game is something to be embarrassed about. Bad troll is bad.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I am just used to a real basketball program selling out games weeks/months before the game, rather than having to run a promotion the day before to fill empty seats.

Seal

Anonymous said...

HOLY FUCK.

You guys know how $10 walk up tickets to conference basketball games is PATHETIC?1?!?! WHAT IF I TOLD YOU, JUST THIS WEEK KENTUCKY WAS DOING $ 5 WALK UP TICKETS TO A CONFERENCE GAME?! LOLZ!!!!!!!!!! LOLZ!!!!!!!!!! LOLZ!!!!!!!!!!!! SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW SEAL. SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW SEAL.

Of course he's going to try and spin this with it's a bigger arena...but, it shows how slowwwwwwwww he is. He most definitely did not know Kentucky was selling $ 5 walk up tickets to a conference game when he started his $10 ticket to a conference game troll.

Slow Seal is Slow.

http://www.ukathletics.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/010614aaa.html

--Drew (This is why I'm COY.)

Anonymous said...

Oh yea, and that is in an arena with 5,000 more seats.

Seal

Anonymous said...

You fucking idiot - that's because its the student section and students are at home for break. LOLZZ you fucking dumb ass - those seats have never been available to the public, ever, outside of when students are gone for break! They are $5, because that's how much student tickets are. You so dumb.

Seal

Anonymous said...

12:35 "Sorry, I am just used to a real basketball program selling out games weeks/months before the game, rather than having to run a promotion the day before to fill empty seats."

12:36 He gets presented with evidence that his team does do EXACTLY that...and for cheaper.

12:36 ...goes with the more seats excuse.

Slow Seal looking as slow as ever everybody.

--Drew...aka Drooler...aka COY

Randall Stevens said...

No one wants to go to Ohio Buckeye basketball games because Aaron Craft tries to make everyone do up downs at half time.

Gotta say. I'm really glad DeShaun Thomas is brickin his way through Europe right now. I know it's been a year and a half since he's played college. But It's so nice not watching the black Anderson Varejao flop his way up and down the court. That needed to be repeated.

Anonymous said...

12:39 Shuts you up and makes everyone realize you blew your load a little too early. You are the fucking worst.

Anonymous said...

Kentucky kids are on break on January 8th? Please link to this LOLZ-worthy academic calendar.

Kentucky basketball is also going on a four year slide in attendance..proving no load was shot early...cuz' all your games are not sold out months in advance. Cheap tickets are needed...

http://www.kentucky.com/2013/12/11/2982741/discuss-why-is-uk-basketball-attendance.html

--Drew

Jeff said...

Nice premature eRUPPtion. (stolen, but fits)

This weekend is sports was meh, except for the CBJ PWNING erybody. Bring on the real bolts tonight!

CBB starts in the midde of Feb.

Clemson beat Duke. LOfuckingL Duke. Must've been because Dabo was in the house.

GMoney said...

Drool, Miami has something called a J-term now which is a month of whatever and I don't understand it at all. Second semester does not start until 1/27. I think it has something to do with wanting students to study abroad or something. Granted, UK doesn't want anyone to study ever but it isn't unheard of.

That being said, Seal beat you today. UK > Ohio forever.

CBJ is definitely the HOT GOSS from the weekend. Beat the Bolts!

A-Rod talk is played out. What more can be said other than his love for steroids gummy bears.

Prime99 said...

So when G$ mentions t shirts at the new lounge, are those human or doggy t shirts? Both?

This weekend was much worse than last weekend. Both Niners and Seahawks fans are getting annoying. Both think THEIR teams are all class, while THE OTHER teams are assholes. News flash, they are all assholes! I find Jim BRAH funny, but everyone involved in this rivalry is pretty awful.

Danny Woodhead retiring his blue collar and lunch pail for the offseason is disappointing.

Anonymous said...

Wednesday the 15th is the first day back... http://www.uky.edu/registrar/content/spring-2014-semester

You lose, again.

LOLZ at your hilarious rant. Wow you look stupid.

Seal

Anonymous said...

What the fuck is a J-term? If that's what Kentucky has then credit to them for allowing their students the ability to get out of that shit hole for months at a time.

Slow Seal lost big time. Mocks $10 walk-up tickets...his school did $ 5 just this week...which of course he has an excuse for....then he says they sell out all games months in advance...but, they are actually on a four year slide proving that hsi comment was categorically false. Sounds like they should look into $10 tickets for every game if they keep sliding in average attendance. I'm sure there are excuses for that comment being false too tho.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Couldnt agree with you more, Prime. Seattle fans are getting annoying as fuck.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Looks like Whisenhunt is also very interested in the Titans and/or his agent is driving his price up. I'm going to assume the Lions will end up with someone terrible now....because that's what organizations like that do.

--Drew

GMoney said...

If you know how to work the internet at all, you know that Seattle Seahawks fans are the fucking worst now that they're tasting a little success. Proof? They are blocking anyone from CA from buying tickets through their website this week. Blacklisting an entire state!

Also: Kempton 22

GMoney said...

If the Lions (with that roster) lose the coach that they want to Jake Locker, then that is rock bottom.

Cakes said...

All fans are annoying as fuck. That's why they're fans. If the Browns ever made it to the playoffs, I would be the most insufferable asshole on the planet.

The Drew vs. Seal fight is really heating up! Hopefully you two will sit next to eachother during this years Ribfest.

Anonymous said...

G$...The Broncos are doing something similar....

On the AFC side the Broncos will only be selling tickets to those in the Rocky Mountain region, which includes Colorado, New Mexico, Nebraska, Montana, South Dakota, and Western Kansas.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Cakes...on RibFest...

I'd rather not sit next to Slow Seal, just because I don't want to have to cut his meat into tiny pieces for him or wipe his bib across his mouth.

Also, I had an intriguing idea for a stop after RibFest the other night. I'll bring it up tomorrow.

--Drew

GMoney said...

It better have a glory hole.

How is Grumpy coming along with the RibFest planning anyway? I did deem him Chair of this committee after all.

Mr. Ace said...

Nothing makes me happier than Daniel being ripped off. Nothing.

Nate said...

Daniel receiving an African American stripper in Chicago > Daniel losing $25 to Noah's Bark