|Saying nice things about Cleveland, I'm sure|
Anyway, there are three things that I want to discuss regarding Mel’s first draft.
1. He has Johnny Fucking Football going #1 overall to Houston. HOLY SHIT. Can Bill O’Brien go back to Penn State? I love me some Johnny but this would be ten times more of a disaster than Anthony Bennett (still better than Oladipo). Unless Houston is owned and run by the KKK, I can’t see ANY reason to draft Manziel over Teddy KGBridgewater. Maybe they want to sell jerseys/season tickets and if that is what they are concerned with than they will be picking in the top three for a long time. Bridgewater has a better arm, is more accurate, is faster (I assume due to pigment), is stronger, makes better decisions, less acne, and has a way better frame. I would love to see Johnny Goddamn Football go #1 but, man, that would be the dumbest thing ever.
2. My guess is that he has Clowney going #2 to the Rams via the Redskins. Fine by me. We definitely would have taken that guy and I like to think that we learned our lesson with Albert Haynesworth. No need to waste a pick on another lazy ass who will spend all his time laying on the field. J/K…missing out on Clowney will probably haunt us forever. I’m still pissed that we didn’t draft Jevon Kearse 15 or so years ago.
3. Finally, what will the Browns do at 4 and 26. It’s kind of weird that I spend so much time trying to fix the Browns or playing fantasy GM with this team. I guess it comes down to them always being on TV here and I would rather have them be competitive and fun to watch as opposed to what we’ve seen over the last forever. It doesn’t hurt that I KNOW for a FACT that I would be an upgrade in that front office. I’d show those Three Stooges what’s up and we would hire goddamn ME as coach/GM/owner/POTUS. Then we would get a new name and new uniforms. The Cleveland Sambos would wear black/darker black and would never lose.
Wait—where was I? Oh yes, how silly of me. Mel has the Browns taking Blake Bortles at 4 and Carlos Ide at 26. Once again, this would be a horrible draft class and a stern reminder that you will forever be rebuilding. I disagree with this thinking and here is what I would do: I would correctly guess that Houston is taking Teddy at 1. While I don’t love JFF that much, he is exactly what this dead franchise needs. I trade #4 and my second round picks in 2014 and 2015 to the Rams to move up to 2 and take Manziel. At least then you are actually picking a direction for the franchise. That might not be enough for the Rams though. You might have to do 4 and 26 for 2 which is steep but you can’t keep fucking around with shitball/cornball QBs. Just ask me: if you are going to commit to a QB for the future, it’s pretty bad ass to have one that is REALLY fun to watch.
Or you could do Sammy Watkins at 4, McCarron at 26, and maybe Carlos Ide is there at the top of round 2? That wouldn’t be a bad haul. But then again, you’re still stuck with a game manager and multiple lawsuits from Katherine Webb after getting gang-raped in the Dawg Pound. Watkins and Gordon and Cameron together sounds good but they mean nothing if you have someone worse than Mark Sanchez back there launching ducks.
Honestly, I think that the Browns are a sleeping giant that is about to awake with furious rage and anger and Ws.
Like I said, I have this weird fascination with how the Browns SHOULD be run even more than my own team (a lost cause). I would never say that it is a good time to be a Browns fan but it is definitely an interesting time to be one. You never know what The Three Stooges have up their sleeves. Jimmy Haslam may dig up Chuck Noll’s corpse and name him coach. Let’s, once again, fix the Brownies today. And if you want to tell everyone who Mel has your team taking, I’ll analyze that as well. FUCK YOU CAKES…never forget.