Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Browns are TOTES Going to Eff This Up

Saying nice things about Cleveland, I'm sure
By now, you idiots are well aware of how much I love the NFL Draft (as well as the NBA Draft). The FACT that Ide will be attending this event for the third straight year in a few months makes me TOTES JELLY. Granted, it has to be boring as fuck in person but I would at least love to do it once. And this will end the portion of the post where I compliment Ide. The reason I mention this is because, yesterday, Mel Kiper released his first of four thousand mock drafts. The results are quite interesting. I am writing this post blind since I don’t have ESPN Insider so bear with me while I guess on a few things. Seriously, WTF Insider? No one is paying for that. Just give your content for free like everyone else does.

Anyway, there are three things that I want to discuss regarding Mel’s first draft.

1. He has Johnny Fucking Football going #1 overall to Houston. HOLY SHIT. Can Bill O’Brien go back to Penn State? I love me some Johnny but this would be ten times more of a disaster than Anthony Bennett (still better than Oladipo). Unless Houston is owned and run by the KKK, I can’t see ANY reason to draft Manziel over Teddy KGBridgewater. Maybe they want to sell jerseys/season tickets and if that is what they are concerned with than they will be picking in the top three for a long time. Bridgewater has a better arm, is more accurate, is faster (I assume due to pigment), is stronger, makes better decisions, less acne, and has a way better frame. I would love to see Johnny Goddamn Football go #1 but, man, that would be the dumbest thing ever.

2. My guess is that he has Clowney going #2 to the Rams via the Redskins. Fine by me. We definitely would have taken that guy and I like to think that we learned our lesson with Albert Haynesworth. No need to waste a pick on another lazy ass who will spend all his time laying on the field. J/K…missing out on Clowney will probably haunt us forever. I’m still pissed that we didn’t draft Jevon Kearse 15 or so years ago.

3. Finally, what will the Browns do at 4 and 26. It’s kind of weird that I spend so much time trying to fix the Browns or playing fantasy GM with this team. I guess it comes down to them always being on TV here and I would rather have them be competitive and fun to watch as opposed to what we’ve seen over the last forever. It doesn’t hurt that I KNOW for a FACT that I would be an upgrade in that front office. I’d show those Three Stooges what’s up and we would hire goddamn ME as coach/GM/owner/POTUS. Then we would get a new name and new uniforms. The Cleveland Sambos would wear black/darker black and would never lose.

Wait—where was I? Oh yes, how silly of me. Mel has the Browns taking Blake Bortles at 4 and Carlos Ide at 26. Once again, this would be a horrible draft class and a stern reminder that you will forever be rebuilding. I disagree with this thinking and here is what I would do: I would correctly guess that Houston is taking Teddy at 1. While I don’t love JFF that much, he is exactly what this dead franchise needs. I trade #4 and my second round picks in 2014 and 2015 to the Rams to move up to 2 and take Manziel. At least then you are actually picking a direction for the franchise. That might not be enough for the Rams though. You might have to do 4 and 26 for 2 which is steep but you can’t keep fucking around with shitball/cornball QBs. Just ask me: if you are going to commit to a QB for the future, it’s pretty bad ass to have one that is REALLY fun to watch.

Or you could do Sammy Watkins at 4, McCarron at 26, and maybe Carlos Ide is there at the top of round 2? That wouldn’t be a bad haul. But then again, you’re still stuck with a game manager and multiple lawsuits from Katherine Webb after getting gang-raped in the Dawg Pound. Watkins and Gordon and Cameron together sounds good but they mean nothing if you have someone worse than Mark Sanchez back there launching ducks.

Honestly, I think that the Browns are a sleeping giant that is about to awake with furious rage and anger and Ws.

Like I said, I have this weird fascination with how the Browns SHOULD be run even more than my own team (a lost cause). I would never say that it is a good time to be a Browns fan but it is definitely an interesting time to be one. You never know what The Three Stooges have up their sleeves. Jimmy Haslam may dig up Chuck Noll’s corpse and name him coach. Let’s, once again, fix the Brownies today. And if you want to tell everyone who Mel has your team taking, I’ll analyze that as well. FUCK YOU CAKES…never forget.

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have Insider. It offers me nothing of really any value beyond a few more articles to read (which I do, because I can). It is really more of a "I forgot to cancel my trial membership and paid for an entire year, then did it again for year 2" kinda thing.

I would love Carlos at 26, but, I don't see it happening, if the front office who traded Treat away is to be believed. If top of the 2nd soothes their ego and lands us a fine piece of sturdy farm equipment, then I'm all in.

Manziel is a bowl full of meh for me. He won't be able to pull off that wily scramble behind blown protection shit he does in college. Aside from Gordon, we don't have the WRs to pull off his chucking the ball up technique. That and the Flats do not offer much in the way of broads to crush/slay.

Ide

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GMoney said...

ALAN ABRAHAM BRINGING THE HOT TAEKS TODAY!!! This bunch is definitely interested in skin pigmentation.

I just don't understand how anyone who takes the job of draft expert seriously can say that Johnny Football is the #1 overall pick. That is INSANE.

Also, I watched that Friday Night Tykes show last night (about horrible people asking 8-9 year old kids in Texas to play football at a professional level). It is the worst thing that I've ever seen. These parents/coaches are just AWFUL people.

Anonymous said...

Robo-arab is trolling Seal hard today.

The Draft will be a blast this year. I have ascertained that the Dolphins fans are ELITE, and with all this hazing shit going down, and no Ireland, they promise to be even more of a group of assholes. I am thoroughly excited to attend this year. Fun fact: my first draft was the Redskins fans last!

I hope that Houston takes Money Manziel, so the Browns have a shot at Teddy KGB. Now, usually, I'm not one to throw support behind a Nubian playcaller, but some mobility back there couldn't hurt seeing as how our line is deteriorating.

While I maintain that Carlos won't happen, I guess I wouldn't be butthurt if they picked up a solid OL. Cyrus Kouandjio should be there, and that would be a big boost to our line. Then throw the hail mary for Carlos in the second round.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Kiper has JFF rated as #12...but thinks he will go at #1. I can see it. I think Bortles will be the best pro. I just don't trust teddy. JFF will pull off some crazy plays/wins, but he won't be as good as Doug Flutie.

Eagles need a safety. I don't know about their projection.

Randall Stevens said...

I think Bridgewater is the best pro out of this QB class but not good enough to trade up to a spot where you could land him if you think he won't be there at 4. If Theodore doesn't drop to the Browns at 4 then the pick is Watkins. I agree with Ide. The one think about Johnny Dicknose that makes people bone up the most is all of the idiotic scrambling he does in the backfield. That part of his game should be eliminated at the next level because, you know, he's going up against way better players and shit. And I think most current NFL players probably already can't stand this loud mouth shit bag on top of that too. So they'll really go out of their way to make Johnny eat his own balls every time he touches the football. I honestly think Houston goes Clowney 1st overall and gets the sickest pass rush in the league with Clowney and Watts turning people's butts inside out.

GMoney said...

This year's class might be worse than last years. When you say things like "I think that Blake Bortles will be the best pro" then it is OBVZ how low our standards have gotten. That kid isn't going to be shit.

I absolutely can not see any situation outside of PR (which would backfire immediately) for the Texans to take JFF.

GMoney said...

And just imagine how great Clowney and Watt could be now that they are being controlled by ROMEO CRENNEL!!!

Grumpy said...

I think that Blake Bortles will be the best pro.

GMoney said...

You would.

Prime99 said...

A QB/RB haul sounds eerily familiar to RICHARDSON/WEEDEN... Build with O-line on one of those picks, draft a QB with the other. If we've learned anything, it's that RBs are mostly a dime a dozen besides AP and a few others.

Grumpy said...

Kelvin Benjamin at 1.15.

Jeff said...

I dropped that hot TAEK on Bortles. No fly zone Denard for steelers. Load up on the Sparty beasts.

Grumpy said...

OT but I need an approximate number for RibFest. Based on past attendance, I'm assuming the following will be there:

G$
Ace
Drew
Damman
Dut
Randall
Ide
Jeff
Alan Abraham
Cakes

Who am I missing? If you're planning on being there, and you're not listed above, please chime in sometime in the next 4-6 weeks.

Randall Stevens said...

RibFest - 3/8

Anonymous said...

It amazes me just how much G$ cares about the draft. It's impressive.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

RibFest will be 3/8, unless Ide can't make that date and then it will be 3/8 for certain.

GMoney said...

The Draft to me is recruiting to you.

If the Browns were smart, they would trade 4 and 26 for Kirk Cousins. OBVZ!

I demand that we choose a date based on when Ide can't attend. Or tell him a date and then secretly change it behind his back so he comes all the way back to Ohio and no one is there except for him and Spencer Pratt.

Cakes said...

I just can't get on the Johnny Football bandwaggon. I think he's a disaster waiting to happen. It would make the preseason REALLY exciting but when real bullets start flying, I think the kid is dead by week 6. We need to get Bridgewater if at all possible.

Carlos Hyde needs to be on this team no matter what. If he falls to 26, that is a no-brainer.

Mr. Ace said...

There is not a RB worth a first Rd pick in this draft. Value has never stopped the Browns before.

JFF will still be able to escape the pocket and scramble. There are plenty of QB's in the NFL who do it effectively right now, JFF is just as capable as Rusty Dubs, Kap, or anybody else. He's just not going to have the outlet of chucking it up to Evans against college DB's.

Chip will PWN again in the draft. Prime told me so.

GMoney said...

Cakes also can't get on the spell wagon correctly bandwagon.

Teams that draft RBs in the first round are bad teams. FACT. Maybe not, but it probably is. So go ahead and waste a pick on a RB when that is just as easily a replaceable position as K or P.

Pocket awareness and scrambling ability is great but you need to pick your spots/GET DOWN. Dubs and Kaep get that (so far). Vick and Griff do not. And Cutler just gets hurt all the time. Timmy Tenor DOES THE HITTING.

Randall Stevens said...

Rusty Dubs is short like Johnny Fuckhead. But what Dubs lacks in height he makes up for with brains. Something John doesn't have. Now...Kaepershit seems to be just a mindless, cocky turd the same way Johnny Dickwad is. But what Kap lacks in intelligence he makes up for in size/speed. John may have the speed...but he certainly doesn't have the size.

I don't think comparing John to Dubs and Kap is a fair comparison. They have parts to their game John clearly lacks.

The last Ohio RB drafted in the first round was Chris Wells. And he TOTES worked out. 25 and retired.

Mr. Ace said...

Where have you seen any indication that JFF lacks intelligence? Because he made a bunch of money signing autographs and sat out a half? It seems like he knows the game pretty well to me.

Anonymous said...

"The last Ohio RB drafted in the first round was Chris Wells. And he TOTES worked out. 25 and retired."

Incredibly retarded reasoning for not drafting someone. Not unexpected tho.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Tom Brady went to Michigan so Chad Henne should also be awesome. Same Denard. DURRRRRRRRRRR!

Cakes said...

Sorry for my "G" finger getting a little crazy. I like to type fast and sometimes there are errors. Thanks for pointing out my shortcomings in the spelling department though. Much appreciated.

I guess I wouldn't freak out if they went after Johnny douchebag. It would certainly bring the Browns back to relevance until he gets caught with an eight ball and twelve hookers during the season. It would be fascinating to watch the fans LOVE him for a few weeks until he starts to suck. Then the masses would turn on him so fast just like every other asshole that tries to turn this franchise around. It would definitely be fun to watch. The Browns aren't winning games so it might as well be a dumpster fire.

GMoney said...

He has used this before as to why the Cavs should not have drafted Kyrie because he went to Duke JUST LIKE WILLIAM AVERY!

Also, Anthony Bennett went to the same school as Larry Johnson so SAME PLAYER.

Johnny Football's extensive library of ELITE plays are littered with bad decisions that worked out because he played against mostly poor talent. Don't get me wrong, I love the kid, but I just don't see it working out in the NFL. That would make him a perfect Cleveland Black.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how Kyle Orton didn't turn into one of the best QB's in the league, since he played for Purdue like Brees. Also, people better stay away from Marquise Lee in this draft since Mike Williams was such a bust. I wonder why more people don't take WR's from Georgia Tech due to Megatron playing there and all.

The Kyrie/Avery comparison is major LOLZ.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

"Sorry for my "G" finger getting a little crazy."

She Cakes must not hear that one very often.

Ide

Randall Stevens said...

This is what cracks me up about the Buckeye fan and is something that will never change. Every year around this time, just about every last one of you dildos flaps on and on about Buckeye player X and how great of an NFL player he's going to be based on what you saw him do at Ohio. And every year these guys go to the NFL and do jack shit. Honestly. In the last 10 years, how many Buckeyes have been impact players in the NFL? There aren't many. And of all of the guys that are truly impact players...how many guys did you assholes whiff on? More than you would actually admit, I'm sure.

Me saying Hyde will be average or less based on what other Ohio running backs have done in the NFL is actually a pretty accurate statement if you look at the numbers. No matter what, I'm hitting at a better clip than any of you turd sniffers that watch 12 Ohio games and think (insert running back here) is bound to be a stud.

GMoney said...

Good question! Off the top of my head as Ohio impact playas, I have Mangold, Santonio (but not Hartline), Boone (surprise of the millenium), Malcolm Jenkins, Hawk (I guess), Li'l Animal...I'm sure that I'm forgetting a few but he makes a good point that Ohio isn't necessarily this ELITE football factory that many claim it to be.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if GB regrets taking Lacy since Ingram and T-Rich both suck.

G$...It would depend if you think somebody like Donte Hitner is "impact".

--Drew

Randall Stevens said...

Remember how awesome Heisman winner Troy Smiff was supposed to be in the NFL? And how it was SHAMEFUL he was drafted in the 6th round?

My point is...Ohio fans value their players higher than any other fan base in the country. They think they have ELITE NFL talent at every position and it's simply not the case. The likelihood of Hyde busting in the NFL is greater than him being good but that hasn't stopped any of you from refusing to believe it and pimping him at every corner.

You don't hear any other college fan base blindly believe so much in their players when those players have done almost nothing to justify such a rabid defense. It's borderline insanity.

Anonymous said...

Ballard until his knee blew up, Mike Nugent (!!), Will Smiff, Coleman, some scattered Buckeyes on the Steelers.

Beanie was often injured in college. He had major injury concerns going into the NFL, and they certainly came to fruition. Hyde's red flags are he likes to put hands on bitches. Certainly deplorable, but almost the standard these days in the NFL.

First round RB before Beanie? Eddie George.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Ide...don't bring 1st round facts like that to idiot Randall's dumb commentary. I wonder if Urban thinks Hyde will be good, since he rushed for more yards than any RB he's ever had?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Jake Ballard and Kirk Coleman are most definitely not IMPACT players and never were. I'll give you Hitner and Will Smiff, but we're not pimping kickers, Cam Heyward, and Mike Adams.

Beanie was a bust because his family drank soda.

GMoney said...

The funny thing about this is that you TOTES know that teams are holding David Carr against Derek Carr.

Cakes said...

Here goes Randall with his pattented Ohio State hate rant. I've never been one to fawn over OSU players coming out of the draft. I usually make that mistake when they are coming out of high school. Are you saying Carlos wouldn't be a good fit for the Browns? You've got to be fucking kidding me. The guy was almost invited to New York and he sat the first THREE games of the season.

He has a rare blend of power, vision and speed. He easily racked up 100+ yards on some ELITE run D's this season. He would've had even more staggering numbers if Herman stopped running Braxton so fucking much. Carlos will be the best RB in this draft. No question in my mind. Might be the best one to come out over the last few seasons.

Drafting RB's in the first usually isn't a good idea but using the FREE one at 26 we got when trading donkey dick is a good move. Unless you want some more Edwin Baker. You probably want more Edwin Baker. Nevermind.

Randall lets his Buckeye hate get in the way AGAIN! If Michigan had an ELITE back that was available at 26, I'd be all over it. LOL.

Cakes said...

Sorry for the extra "t" in patented, G$. Please accept my humblest apologies.

Randall Stevens said...

"Ballard until his knee blew up, Mike Nugent (!!), Will Smiff, Coleman, some scattered Buckeyes on the Steelers."

Thanks for proving my point that you guys all overvalue the players on Ohio's roster.

Kirk Coleman is best known for getting his tits blown off by Trent Richardson. Nice career. You'll never be more than the guy who was trucked by the Colts 2nd string running back.

Jake Ballard, even when healthy, is completely average. Unless you consider 600 yards and 4 touchdowns an impact players. Then I guess guys like Coby Fleener and Delanie Walker are impact players too.

Will Smith I will give you. Barely. One ProBowl in 9 seasons isn't exactly an impact player.

Grumpy said...

G$, quit talking about Steelers players when you don't know jack about them. Heyward had an outstanding season, was a beast the 2nd half of the year, and will continue to improve. He just needed playing time.

Mr. Ace said...

Kirk Coleman is an impact player for the other team. Holy fuck is he terrible.

Cakes is trolling so hard. Or at least I hope he is.

Fuckeyes are bad at NFL football. DEAL WITH IT.

Randall Stevens said...

Listen. If Hyde makes me eat my words then so be it. I'll be a man and admit I was wrong...something Buckeye fans are incapable of doing. But forgive me if I'm not going to sit here and swallow every last nugget of bullshit from a fan base that notoriously overvalues their players. You don't have as many studs at the next level as you all would like to believe. And idiots like Cakes are constantly and incorrectly blowing awful players like Jamaal Berry and anointing them the next Barry Sanders. So why the fuck should I believe a word you assholes say about Hyde? I shouldn't...and I don't.

I don't recall every pimping out Mike Hart after having the best career of any running back in the history of Michigan football. That's probably because I knew he wouldn't be a good NFL back and I don't let my blind allegiance shield me from reality like you, Cakes.

Anonymous said...

Carlos Hyde has everything needed to be a great NFL RB. Do I think Shazier will rocket straight to the top? No. You are almost as bad as Peter King with your straw man arguments. YOU GUYS FAWN OVER HYDE, LOLZ REMEMBER DANE SANZENBACHER?!

I don't recall any sane person thinking Beanie was going to do that well, Burke included. So, drawing up stupid comparisons and slapping a sticker on the fan base over said comparisons is beyond retarded. I really can't believe you said "I didn't think Hart was going to be a great pro RB, so you shouldn't think Hyde is going to be one"

That said, he still won't be a Brown, so, of course he will be a beast.

Ide

GMoney said...

FUCK YOU CAKES. Argument over.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at the Mike Hart comparison. Nobody thought Hart would be good. He's a little guy with below average speed. Hyde is a big guy with great speed for his size.

I love the "I'm not going to let you guys tell me Hyde is good". So, you didn't watch any Ohio State games teh last two years? You need us to tell you if we think he's going to be good or not? You couldn't form any opinion on this with your own eyes? Did he look terrible to you when you watched him roll over each team he played?

--Drew

Randall Stevens said...

"Carlos Hyde has everything needed to be a great NFL RB"

Right after you called Jake Ballard and Kurt Coleman impact players. I don't think this conversation needs to continue.

Prime99 said...

Hyde may end up being a good/great NFL running back, howeva, drafting a RB in the first round is dumb. Draft OLine. Seriously. For every AP, there are 10 Alfred Morrises or Arian Fosters.

GMoney said...

I'm more offended that someone would think that (h)Ide is the best RB to come out in the last few drafts. SO DUMB. Which makes sense considering who said it.

Anonymous said...

Mike Hart had below average speed to go along with his 5'4 frame so I think Carlos Hyde & Mike Hart is a poor comparison

Buke

Mr. Ace said...

You know who else had everything needed to be a great NFL RB? TRENT FUCKING RICHARDSON!

GMoney said...

ELITE point. Richardson was a better RB in college than Ide was, too.