Friday, January 17, 2014

Sunday Should Be as ELITE as the NFL Gets

For some reason, Bruno Mars is not "Brunell, Mark"
Before we get into this week’s NFL Playoffs Preview and Picks, let’s take a moment to discuss the Super Bowl halftime show. I’ll be honest, when I heard that the NFL was bringing in Bruno Mars, I was fucking pumped because I just assumed that they misspelled Megadeth. Apparently, they did not and they are serious about this. She$ asked me about this guy since she is a hayseed and celebrates Sugarland’s entire catalog and I told her that I only knew one of his songs. So I started to poorly sing the song for her and it was that god awful Gnarls Barkley piece of shit instead. It was then that I realized one horrible truth: I am not the target demographic for halftime shows. In FACT, I haven’t been forever. And that makes me sad. Everyone else caters directly to the 33 year old white male…except for the Super Bowl. FUCK THAT. We’re in goddamn Jersey this year, why not throw Bon Jovi out there (but not Springsteen because he SUX)? Sure, he isn’t exactly the coolest cat around but I defy any man not to get pumped when Dead Or Alive starts. IMPOSSIBLE. Whatever, even though I like the Red Hot Chili Peppers (“I love red peppers!”—Jimmy Johnson), I will be spending halftime in two weeks doing one of my other passions instead. That would be either walking the dog or taking a dump. I'm sure that Twitter will let me know how bad it was.

We’re starting to get a little separation on the Playoffs Contest leaderboard (or not)! I also have finally determined what the big prize for the winner will be. At RibFest, ON MARCH 8TH, I will buy your dinner. You’re on your own for drinks but the ribs are on me. If you live too far away or are busy during RibFest, please don’t win this contest or we can come up with something else at a later date. The standings (with 3 to play):

6-2: SMART SEAL
5-3: Grumpy, Larry, JSaul, Mr. Ace, NC Nate, Jeff, Prime, Damman, and Andrew B
4-4: G$, Cakes/Dut (they are combining forces since each missed a week plus they are faggots together), Randall Stevens, Buke, and Drew
3-5: MUDawg, Ide (Turd), and J From JBeanie

The Super Bowl will be worth double. Why? Why the fuck not? If you think I made an error in the scoring (possible), let me know and I’ll take a look at it. Let’s make our picks.

New England @ Denver -5.5
Not much has been made of this game all week outside of EVERYTHING. Christ, the media overkill for Peyton/Brady XV is as cray cray as ever. Granted, these two guys deserve all the accolades and are unanimous hall of famers but it still comes off as a bit much. I’m looking forward to the NFC game way more. As we all remember, the Patriots won earlier this season with a dramatic second half comeback. Can it happen again? Never discount how lame John Fox and Peyton are in January. New England probably has to take a similar gameplan into Denver that they had against Indy meaning that they SHOULD try to run the shit out of the ball again and keep the other offense off the field. So, basically, this game boils down to Blunt and Ridley combining to be the MVP. That’s some risky business. Talib should do a good job on D.Thomas but the other weapons could run wild. I know that I’m going to regret this but I’m making the call anyway since the weather is supposed to be mild. Denver 30, New England 20.

San Francisco @ Seattle -3.5
The best sub-plot leading up to this slobber-knocker is that Jimmy BRAH likes to buy $8 khaki pants at Wal-Mart. Talk about LOLZ! This is my kind of game. These teams absolutely hate each other. The coaches despise each other. The fans want to murder the other. But Kaep is cool with it because "he's the man, he's the man, he's the maaaaaan". This is going to be terrific. Again, the weather should not be a factor which is nice. Kaepernick has been downright dreadful in his starts up there thus far which is concerning but you can’t deny that the 49ers are playing better than any of the other teams still going. That’s big. Hot teams usually ride the momentum to Super Sunday. The Seahawks look ordinary on offense now outside of Lynch. He’s going to need another monster game. Not to get anyone’s hopes up, but I’m starting to form a rough outline for the next BRAHs post so hold onto your butts for that (this sentence doesn't fit into this paragraph AT ALL BTW). It’s hard to bet against The 12th Man but it’s even harder to pick against a coach who loves falling prices. I’m picking my BRAH. San Francisco 23, Seattle 20.

On Monday, I said that I was leaning NE and SEA and now I’m betting against both. Makes sense. I also like the unders in both of these contests. Enjoy the games on Sunday, folks, because the NFL is sort of giving us THREE Super Bowls this year and that is just the best. I like Denver and San Francisco for NYC in two weeks. Let’s see what winners like Seal think. OBVZ, we’re going spread picks here but give your winners as well.

50 comments:

Prime99 said...

NE & SF

Great Jurassic Park reference in the sentence about the BRAH post.

Petey and Jim BRAH claim they don't dislike each other. RIIIIIIIGHT...

I also am looking forward to the NFC match up. Should be great fun because those teams really, really hate each other. I'm starting to hate them as well.

If I win, I DEMAND headphones.

Mr. Ace said...

NE and SF. Both win. I thought I went 3-1 last week, but I forgot you tacked on the extra half point. Fuck you.

Gnarls Barkley would have been a better choice for halftime show.

Anonymous said...

DEN and SEA

Fuck Kempton 22 though.

Two great stories in lieu of the ST halftime show. Apparently strip clubs in the area are flying over fresh Russians for the weekend. That is ELITE! Not as ELITE as Vivid Entertainments new strip club that opens SB Sunday with the likes of Tera Patrick and more! Merica!

Ide

GMoney said...

Also not ELITE: Thad Matta's collection of farm equipment and homosexuals. Things aren't as easy when the opponent has some talent, huh? YOU SUCK DIX.

By the way, if you like to gamble and aren't following those guys that Ape has been preaching about for weeks, you're doing it wrong. My bankroll is growing everyday because I'm wagering O/U, NBA, and NHL games based on smart people's suggestions.

Grumpy said...

Pats and 49er's.

I would take great satisfaction in G$ buying me ribs.

Save the date. RibFest is March 8.

Anonymous said...

NE
SF

Fag Matta is really killing it down there in Columbus... Didn't Ide say that this team really showed him something in that loss to Michigan State? Something like "they showed they can compete with the best"? That's definitely what I have seen the past few games...

Seal

Anonymous said...

Bucks offense is terrible right now. First 3 game losing streak since 2009 and these losses have not been fun to watch. I still don't think we will get bounced by Robert Morris in the NIT.

Funny that G$ is looking more forward to the defensive battle/teams hating each other, yet he was the one always taking shots at the Steelers/Ravens rivalry when they were both very good.

I think SF is better than Seattle right meow, but I don't think SF can win three road games in a row in the playoffs. At some point that has to catch up to you....and that time is now. SEA 20 SF 17

I'm rolling with Peyton in the other game. Just too much offense for NE to keep up with. DEN 42 NE 35

I can't wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl when Ide tells about how he was at a bar drinking Mimosa's for brunch, when Robert DeNiro sat down next to him and he hopped in a black car with him and sat in a luxury suite during the game.

--Drew

Mudawgfan said...

Seattle and Denver please.
If I win both, I pull even for the playoffs, but would really be under since you gotta pay 10% vig to the house. Fuck I love to gamble.

I really don't have the desire to watch football games in other stadiums like I do to travel around and see other baseball stadiums - the exception is Seattle, that place looks INSANE.

GMoney said...

Fair accusation about the BAL/PIT and SEA/SF hypocrisy. I guess I just don't like watching murderers and Oriental WRs play football. Equal amounts BRAH though which is nice.

"49er's"...please don't let a guy win this contest that has no clue how apostophres work.

I still don't think we will get bounced by Robert Morris in the NIT.
--But will you win a national title? There are 50 year olds who have never seen Ohio win a national title in hoops. There are three year old UK fans that have. HE IS BETTER THAN YOU. DEAL WITH IT. LOOK AT THE SCOREBOARD!

UK beat Rick Pitino. You can't even beat Li'l Dick Pitino. BAD.

Anonymous said...

Thank you G$ - as I have said multiple times and will say it again because Drew is obviously the worst... I would take 4 straight years of getting bounced by RM in the NIT if every fifth year we won a title. I have been old enough to watch and enjoy 3 National Championships - how many have you enjoyed?

Go away - you cant win in college basketball talk.

Seal

Randall Stevens said...

New England - Because Tom Brady is a California dream boat.

Seattle - because I really dislike Kaepernick.

Anonymous said...

I've been old enough to enjoy 3 WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS. How many have you enjoyed? Pistons what.

I didn't realize Kentucky wins Natty's every 5 years. LOLZ...Robert Morris.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at you bringing the Pistons into a college basketball conversation... you so dumb.

Seal

Jeff said...

NE
SF

Beerfest at the Convention Center this weekend in the bus. Any of you fools gonna be down there? I'm going Saturday so please go tonight if you're thinking about it.

Ovi in town tonight for an ass-whoopin! Love the guy, but not tonight. CARRY IT!

Mr. Ace said...

Davone Bess assaults an officer/fireman and Keller Winslow Jr gets caught jerking his fucking soldier in a parking lot. Sounds about right.

Anonymous said...

About as dumb as the guy who says Kentucky wins Natty's every 5 years (Fake stat) so its' cool when they are NIT bound and get court rushed by Robert Morris.

Jeff...I've been the last three years, but am not going this year. While you will look like a beer tool...I suggest bringing a necklace of pretzels...it does help between each beer. It's a great time...have fun.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I think that tonight is the biggest game of the year for the CBJ. Other than PIT, the rest of the Metro knows that we are better than them...except for the Caps. We must set the tone.

So with all of my Yankees/Redskins titles, I'm the best? #droollogic

Anonymous said...

Kellen "Soldier" Winslow (aka Ohio State's bitch) was masturbating in his car when he got arrested for weed a couple months ago. Dude must really love jerkin' it.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$...are you going to Nationwide to carry the flag tonight?

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GMoney said...

I am not attending tonight. The team is playing too well for me to ruin their season.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ, Drew would be one of those faggots that walks around with a big pretzel necklace. Don't be a douche - walk around, get a good buzz on and have fun. Don't act like you need to cleanse your pallet or keep food in your stomach while you drink. What a fucking homo. Beerfest is really fun though - the one in Cleveland last summer was great.

Seal

Jeff said...

If pretzel necklace is the way to go at BeerFest, what is the necklace of choice for RibFest?

My guess would be a necklace of connected dildos and fleshlights.

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal probably never left the Redd's Apple Ale stand.

--Drew

Cakes said...

Denver & Seattle

I think I went 4-0 last week. Does that mean Dut went 0-4? Doesn't seem right that I should have to suffer for his lack of football knowledge.

If we somehow pull off the win, do you buy both of our meals or are we forced to share a kiddy meal? These are all pointless questions because I don't think there is a way to win it mathematically.

I will now have a hidden pound of bacon in my ceiling panels at all times.

GMoney said...

Slow Seal probably never left the Redd's Apple Ale stand.

LOL! I would enjoy chucking apples at his head though.

Cakes, you did not go 4-0. No one has gone perfect or completely horrible yet. I'm counting on you two not winning anyway.

Robot word: Brahmans...damn straight! BET THE NINERS!

GMoney said...

You missed SEA and DEN last week, you idiot. Go build another gay bar in your basement.

Prime99 said...

I immediately thought of the Ajax Steel Mill AKA The Anvil when you said Cakes should build another gay bar in his basement.

Cakes works hard, so he can play hard.

http://simpsons.wikia.com/wiki/Ajax_Steel_Mill

GMoney said...

HOT STUFF COMIN' THROUGH! OH BE NICE!

Cakes said...

If I could build bars all over my house I would. I just received my new neon bar light for it as well. It's really starting to come together!

I wasn't planning on you fact-checking stuff, G$.

Anonymous said...

DEN
SEA

J from JBeanie

Anonymous said...

Robert De Niro hangs out at the Greenwich Hotel in Tribeca because he owns that bitch. You can catch him at Locande Verde or the adjacent cigar shop anytime he isn't off filming. It's also where JLaw stays when she comes to town. So, you know, that's a possibility.

It is official, I am moving to Brooklyn next week. I was debating buying one of those Nets shirts and wearing it to RibFest.

Shitty losing streak. I didn't see that coming. Seal, do explain and defend how you guys lost to Arkansas. I can only imagine Brett Beliema is the coach of that team. Oh, and if you want to harp on Nattys, do remember that I went to Chapel Hill, and your program is hot dogshit compared to the history of UNC. See this year for further clarification.

ide

Anonymous said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahah Kentucky is hot dog shit compared to UNC?!?!?!!? Sorry bud, but Kentucky has more all time wins AND more all time national titles. Im pretty sure you have zero argument that counts for more than those two stats.

God, I am cleaning up you idiots today.

Seal

GMoney said...

You aren't allowed to claime allegiance to UNC because you have no diploma from there. I am citing your own caveman rule.

Kentucky has the most wins of all time. UK has 8 national titles. UNC has five. UK also has the world's most beloved racist head coach. What was your point again? Do you even have one other than your love of being wrong all the time?

GMoney said...

Beat me, Seal, you beautiful bald bastard.

Ohio State has as many national titles as CCNY which Ide probably claims as one of his teams.

Anonymous said...

Denver and Seattle

Our coach isn't a scumbag crook. We win.

G$, get your nose out of Seal's ass.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

SF and DEN

Larry

GMoney said...

But it smells so good and right today! And we both share a fond love for Tony Delk!

Anonymous said...

The only reason G$ announced his prize for the playoff bracket is because he can't wait to wine and dine Seal. Especially after that dubious headphone giveaway.

I never stated diplomas were integral to cheering; just attending.

Ide

GMoney said...

Nope. You are a fraud. Thanks for owning up to all the shit you were wrong about in your last comment though. I mean, we've had some truly idiotic comments here before but that one took the Cakes.

Anonymous said...

This Ide, I call him a n***** lover because every time I'm in the film room grinding tape, he's in there taking it up the shoot from Jerome and the Boys. Now I'm not one to be homophobic or anything--I'm just a football coach at heart--but this Ide guy is a real faggot.

I haven't been lied to this much since I coached David Boston.

--Racist Gruden

Anonymous said...

The AVN Awards are this Saturday. Next year we should have Rib Fest in Vegas during this weekend, so that we can go to the porn expo and the awards.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew, I've been meaning to ask you about porn! Kennedy Leigh got her tits done if you haven't noticed. Fan?

Anonymous said...

I have not heard that nor have I seen that. I find that news distressing tho...as she was borderline perfect. Have you seen them? How do they look?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Just noticed them on Twitter...have not seen them unleashed myself but you can mos def tell that they've been enhanced.

Anonymous said...

Hmm....I just watched the Instagram video she tweeted out at the expo where she took a tit out with a pasty on it. They didn't look crazy bigger. I will have to see them unleashed before I make a determination.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I will take the points in both games...

NE
SF

Buke



Anonymous said...

DEN & SEA

Andrew B.

Anonymous said...

NE
SF

I swear I don't think everyone knows we are picking against the spread (cakes).

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

NE
SF

-NC Nate