Tuesday, January 21, 2014

NBA Mid Season Awards



Stephen Curry likes my NBA posts...




It's NBA time, shit stains!  No need to talk all things Dick Sherman again today since that is MOS DEF the hot topic still circulating.  I'm sure Sherman has gained about a billion new Twitter followers so, mission accomplished shit heel!  We haven't had a good NBA post here in awhile and with the season about half over, I figured now is the perfect time for some mid season awards.  SPOILER ALERT!  I nailed every last one of them.

Sixth Man of the Year - J.R. Smiff
Just kidding.  Nobody likes this fuck and for good reason.  Go die.

Real Sixth Man of the Year - Jamal Crawford
I almost considered Manu Ginobili but then I nut tagged myself and realized the only thing Ginobili deserves is a stern punch to the open anus.  Plus he starts some games and comes off the bench others, so who the fuck knows if he's even eligible.  I also considered Ryan Anderson and probably had him as the favorite before he nearly paralyzed himself a few weeks ago.  It doesn't sound like Anderson will be back any time soon, or at all, so Crawford gets it.

Most LOL Storyline - Andrew Bynum
Why teams continue to chance it with this guy is outside of my brain capacity.  Does every team front office guy forget this?


And this?


And this?




In a weird, sick and twisted way...I might actually miss Andrew Bynum when teams finally realize there is no such thing as low risk, high reward with this turd nugget.  He is the best worst guy in the league by far.

Best Derrick Rose impression - Rajon Rondo
Never been a big Rondo fan for obvious reasons.  He's a sour cunt bag who is just a prick for the sake of being a prick.  Classic Kentucky guy.  I get that there's no big rush to get back to a team that's a complete skid mark but stop it with the cryptic messages.  I'll be back this day...no....this day....I mean this day....2,673,435 seconds.  Or whatever that weirdo tweet was the other day.  Nice to finally see you back on the court, princess.

Biggest Disappointment Player - Anthony Bennett
Ugh.  Turd soup.  Guys like Tyreke Evans, Anus Kanter, Josh Smiff and O.J. Mayo should be lining up to send Bennett thank you cards.  No matter how shitty any player has been this year, nothing has out shined the shittiness that is Anthony Bennett.  Nice #1 overall pick, Cavs.

Biggest Disappointment Team - Brooklyn Nets
This was easy.  So weird that a group of pussies and old guys don't live up to insanely lofty goals set by idiotic media barf bags before the season started.  There was no way this was ever going to work.  And so far it's not.  And I don't see it getting better, just worse.  One thing that I do know for a fact is that I get the hardest, veiniest boner over Kevin Garnett being miserable.  It's sports porn.  No way this team makes the playoffs.

Breakout Player Award - Andre Drummond
He still eats dick scabs at free throws.  And boy does he ever!  In complete honesty, it's about the only reason to tune into Piston games at all this year.  To LOL your balls off at Drummond's hilarious attempts at shooting a basketball while unguarded.  Well, that and Josh Smiff chucking up 30 footers at will.  But outside of the free throw woes, Drummond is an all out stud in only his second NBA season.  The ceiling on this guy is off the charts right now.  It's just too bad the Pistons won't be able to capitalize on such a great asset before he wants the fuck out of Detroit.

Congrats, You're Now a Super Star Award - Paul George
I remember watching this guy in the dunk contest a couple years back and thinking he'll never amount to anything more than Harold Minor.  BABY JORDAN!!  WHHHHHHHHHHHHHIFF on my part.  George is awesome and impossible to hate on a team that's pretty easy to hate.  Why do I hate the Pacers?  Well, first because I can never forget the Malice at the Palace.  And second, I guess I still detect a stench of Tyler Hansbrough when I watch the Pacers and that sours it for me.

Defensive Player of the Year - DeAndre Jordan
Board.  Block.  Dunk.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Jordan makes people look like silly little bitches when they step to his doormat.  And that doormat is 10 feet from the basket in any fucking direction.  Jordan is an absolute savage on defense.  Plus I will never forget how hard I laughed when he Arabian goggled Brandon Knight with the saltiest sack lunch this side of the Prime Meridian.  Jordan's face as Knight fucking peeled his corpse off the paint is one of those LULZ moments for the ages.  Here it is again in case you forgot how awesome it was.

Rookie of the Year:  Michael Carter Williams
This guy's name sounds like a Disney kid star bound for a sizzurp addiction.  MCW is hands down the rookie of the year at this point.  The only other guys close are Trey Burke Sick and Victor Oladipo.  Wanna read something funny?  G$'s assessment of MCW in the draft preview:

G$'s reaction: You turd burglar! I TOTES was going to stick this waste of space on the Pistons! This guy can't play. I saw it at the Final Four. Thus he is a perfect Seattle King.

Those are the kinds of assessments that get you to the blogging big leagues!  MCW > Kyrie Irving???


MVP - Kevin Love
Holy Shit.  I don't give a rats ass if the Timberwolves won't sniff the playoffs this year.  That shouldn't overshadow what Big Daddy Kev is doing this year.  Every time Love laces up the biscuits it's 25 and 13.  It's just a shame he's rotted away in Minnesota for 5 seasons and people don't get to watch him in action on the reg.  I really hope Big White finds his way to a big market team and gets the LOVE (HEYYY-OHHHHHH!!!)  he deserves.  It's just astonishing what he does on the court.


Favorite in the East - Pacers
It's gotta be the Pacers at this point.  They have more to prove than just about any team in the league and are playing like they're done being in Miami's shadow.  They look like they want it more and LeBron has already checked out for 2014 free agency.

Favorite in the West - Spurs
Only to troll them.  I'm hoping that in giving them such a high vote of confidence they will once again under perform when it matters.  At some point this team has to rebuild, right?  And wouldn't Spurs/Pacers be the most insanely boring Finals ever?  The basketball equivalent to missionary sex.  The 70 and over crowd would love it, I'm sure.  They still wouldn't approve of the amount of blacks on the court, though.

I know how much you all have missed NBA posts.  Especially Cakes.  So consider your thirst quenched.  If you need another NBA storyline to chew on in the comments, we can discuss LeBron's odd birthday message to his lover, Dwyane Wade.  We all know how LeBron likes to be all cryptic with shit and that message sure sounds to me like he's bolting after this season is over.  Where will he land?  LA?  Cleveland?  Dallas?  New York?  Does he stay in Miami?  My money is on Cleveland.  As much as I would hate for it to happen, I think he really does love that city and wants nothing more than to bring all those undeserving fans a championship.  The only good thing about LeBron back to Cleveland will be watching all of the spineless turd fans accepting him back with open arms after openly wishing death upon him a short 3 years ago.  And watching Gilbert be a complete bitch while taking LeBron back will be a nice prize in its own right.  That's my time.

35 comments:

Randall Stevens said...

LOL Ohio basketball. Urban Meyer and Thad Matta with some pretty awesome streaks going on right now. A terrible loss to a God awful Nebraska team should have Seal ready to pop off at the mouth today.

Mr. Ace said...

Ide should have to feed Paul Wall his ribs during ribfest.

GMoney said...

Like grapes to a sultan or something. I like it.

Ohio SUX.

I'm still not buying MCW stock. He puts up big numbers on a garbage team. So does Monta Ellis. I'm about wins, not stats, bro!

The Cavs really need to suck it up and send Bennett down to Canton so he can play. He isn't getting any better or more confident on the bench racking up DNP - CD. The kid obviously has a ton of talent but his mental game is weak sauce. Let him go down and dominate for a month and bring him back up when Andy is probably hurt.

Predicting Bron to CLE? That's bold. I'm not seeing it anymore. Like, AT ALL.

I am not putting the Pacers ahead of the Heat until they beat them in the playoffs. And Kevin Durant is the MVP because that team isn't very good.

This post reads like the swill that the old guy used to write. Step up your game, Randall.

Jeff said...

CBus should be turning into a hockey town very soon.

Buckeye bball is unwatchable. Fun stat: Last time they lost 4 in a row they won the NIT so there's that! LOLZ

GMoney said...

And you know who dominated that team? KOKO!

I expect Todd Richards to finish off Thad any day now and declare the winter season his.

Jeff said...

I've seen some Drummond free throw highlights and they are very LOL worthy. They should add a segment in the all-star game skills competition when they take the worst free throw shooters and make them play knockout.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, losing to Nebrasketball is pretty much rock bottom. Something going on with the Buckeyes as they just beat Nebrasketball by 31 two weeks ago. It will be interesting to see what those issues are and how he fixes it.

Good NBA post tho...

I have to agree with G$ on a few issues tho. Durant should be MVP....definitely not putting the Pacers ahead of the Heat before I actually see the Heat lose in the playoffs...and LOLZ @ the idea of LeBron going back to Cleveland.

Bennett is indeed the biggest disappointment and Crawford's a fine 6th man. I actually like Trey Burke for ROY right now. There's nobody really close to Drummond for "Breakout". Lillard is probably #2 for that, but he was pretty awesome last year too. Jeff's idea for Drummond, Howard and who knows who else to play free throw knockout is hilarious.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew, do you think that the NIT will even want Ohio State? I doubt it. Nobody wants them.

HUGE BREAKING SITE NEWS THAT I WON'T ANNOUNCE UNTIL OFFICIAL. But we are in negotiations to kick this site up a notch. It isn't about firing Randall Stevens though (unfortunately).

GMoney said...

Worst Player is not Andrew Bynum because NO ONE other than YOU had expectations for him. It's Carmelo who sucks and makes everyone around him worse.

Prime99 said...

With Derrick Rose out, my soul was crushed and I'm not paying too much attention to the NBA. However, is like to once again bring up the Kings beating the Cavs by 44 points. Seemed like it needed to be brought up today.

Anonymous said...

Hopefully, this site is getting a message board style format so that I can post my ELITE gif's.

G$...I'll bet you a ribs dinner the Buckeyes make the NCAA. If it's obvious one way or the other at the time of Ribs Fest, it can be paid up then. If not, we can have a man date during a Jackets game.

--Drew

GMoney said...

No thanks. Unfortunately, your 15-0 start will likely carry more undeserved weight than your 400+ RPI.

I do like the idea of having a CBJ date night with you though.

It will not be a message board style switch although that should be discussed for the future.

Anonymous said...

So, Gase turned down teh Browns before even interviewing for the job...and they don't have anyone at the Senior Bowl. The Browns falling below the Caldwell bar has a real chance of happening...as crazy as that sounds.

--Drew

Cakes said...

Who gives a shit about regular season college basketball? I OBVZ want the Buckeyes to win but a 4 game losing streak in the middle of January doesn't really move the needle that much. So what? Now they will be a 6 seed instead of a 3 seed. RUN FOR THE HILLS!

I've watched a grand total of 3 quarters of NBA besketball this season. That's WAY too much.

I'm all over HBO on Demand because it is free for my first three months of DirecTV. Is "Veep" worth my time?

Prime99 said...

Solution? Brandon Weedon- player/coach!

Anonymous said...

Cakes. Unlike yoself, I do care about regular season basketball. Your point on them being seeded a 3 vs. a 6 (I'd take 6 in a heartbeat right now) is good...but, it's not really taht they are losing. It's how they've lost the last three games (MSU was a good effort). Collapses down the stretch....pussies on the floor...offensive offensive basketball. It's ugly...so, while your point isn't terrible...the way they are losing is what is concerning. Something has happened over the last two weeks..as shown by the disparity between the two Nebraska games....and it needs fixed ASAP.

Prime...what about making Kosar the coach for an interim year?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Veep is well worth your time. You probably watch True Blood though.

The difference between a 3 and a 6 seed is huge. Unless you like playing in Tacoma, WA or wherever. 6 seeds usually have to go farther away from home.

Prime99 said...

That would be great. Kosar would replace the Gatorade with Gin. He'd talk to the players like the assistant coach from the Waterboy.

Anonymous said...

Sorry I'm late - was at the doctor with the wife making sure the BABY we are having is healthy. That's right - another Kentucky fan will soon be on this earth... with my genes. Watch out! And if its a boy, expect to see someone with the last name Seal winning the 2039 Master's.

Good NBA post Randall... Agree with most everything except Bynum as well. Dude sucks, but zero expectations for that piece of shit.

(Slow clap for Fag Matta...) Yikes. Losing to Nebraska? Iowa is fine - it was on the road and they are actually decent. But Nebraska? Something's going on in CBus - you guys are better than that.

Also, UNFORTUNATELY I agree with Drew. Im fine with a loss here and there (especially on the road - because its so hard to win on the road no matter who you play) and actually think losses help a team grow. But FOUR in a row? That's not good at all... I would be expecting an 8 or a 9 seed right now if you dont turn it around with some solid wins.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Yes. Veep is incredible

Grumpy said...

Ray Horton bails on Browns to make lateral move.

Anonymous said...

How stupid is Grumpy?!?!? You dumb fuck - basically none of those coaches have a job with the Browns anymore. If we finally ever hire a coach, they will bring in new OC's and DC's to work under him. God you're stupid... Once again, do some research before making yourself look so dumb.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Two weeks in a row trying to troll Browns fans makes you look dumber than Drooler.

Seal

Randall Stevens said...

I didn't say Bynum was the worst player. I said he was the most LOL storyline. I would probably agree with Carmelo being the worst player. He's still not worse than Cakes though.

A very UNDERRATED story line this year is how DJ Augustine has made Derrick Rose obsolete. I bet Cowherd is having a field day with this one.

Congrats on the new embryo, Seal! The second generation of MoneyShotters is really starting to come together. My only question is: Demarcus Cousins hasn't been near your city recently has he? No reason...just curious.

Anonymous said...

HA! Thanks Randall. Much appreciated.

Seal

GMoney said...

Atta boy, Seal, that didn't take long! It's going to be weird for you to see a minutes old human being with more hair than you. Count it.

They didn't lose AT Iowa, Seal, they lost at HOME to them by double digits. More LOL than Andy Bynum.

Cakes said...

Congrats, Seal! You dog!

I realize that playing long distances away from home can be kind of a drag but bottom line is, MAKE THE TOURNAMENT. Maybe the Buckeyes need to earn their way this year. The last few seasons of playing close to home haven't helped that much.

The Browns are now waiting for the Seattle DC. I would much rather have that guy come in than Pey Pey's lackey anyway.

Anonymous said...

Thanks gentlemen! Ahhhh... whether boy or girl, It will be odd to be jealous of the amount of hair a 5 second year old has. Being bald sucks.

Yea Im with you Cakes, I didnt want the OC from Denver - Peyton runs that offense, not him.

Seal

Prime99 said...

Apparent Seal's sperm is not slow.

Congrats man! Having a baby shit on your hand and you being cool with it is a pretty weird experience. Enjoy it!

GMoney said...

I'm not going to defend Peyton's OC, but Mike McCoy turned out to be a pretty damn good coach. Jim Caldwell on the other hand...

It still comes down to smart people not wanting to coach for The Three Stooges.

Grumpy said...

Seal, you and the Browns are the dumb fucks. Horton should have been the obvious choice for HC. Do a little research yourself and see where he's coached and who with.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Grumpy acting like we didnt think Horton should have been a candidate and like I didnt know his background. Go away old man. Your Browns one liners make you look really really stupid.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Also, thanks Prime!! Your new addition to the family looks fun, man - I am really excited.

Seal

GMoney said...

Horton has dreads thus is not a leader!

Mr. Ace said...

I nominate Drew as the Godfather of Seal's spawn.