Wednesday, January 29, 2014

My Legacy Will Live On

Strong parenting TAEK, Thriller!
Last week around this time, Seal (AKA The Guy That Cuts Down Nets) announced to the world that he was going to be a dad. That’s terrific news. We all hate Seal equally around here (except for me, I TOTES heart the guy) but most of us are decent enough to set aside our internet emotions to wish our own the best in their non-internet, non-sports fan lives. With that said, let’s go back and review a quote from last month:

They were as happy as your wife's parents are that she hasn't procreated with you.—Drew (2013 CotY) 12/27/2013

Well, guess what, Dick Drooler, YOU LOSE! Bend over, Seal, because here comes Big Pimpin’! If you subscribe to my Facebook feed then you already know this but I must make it official here, too. That’s right, She$ and I are expecting our first sometime in late July. DEAL WITH IT.

How about THAT for some fucking BREAKING NEWS, BRAH! Of course, I’ve got a few amusing stories from dealing with a wife that is 3+ months pregnant with my child.

*She$ has the worst morning sickness ever. I mean, EVER. I wake up every morning to her painting the toilet with vomit and tears. I feel bad for her because, you know, I did that to her but I’m the one who has to listen to that heaving every day amirite bro! She does seem to have it somewhat contained to just the morning now, as opposed to all day like the first few months. Have you ever lived with someone who is sick for three months straight? NOT FUN.

*I’m doing everything around the house now. As I should because apparently, almost anything can make She$ nauseous. At first, I didn’t mind it but it is really starting to get on my nerves. Yeah, that sounds selfish and I get that but WHAT ABOUT ME!!! I do all the grocery shopping now which is fine because I have discovered great things like Velveeta cheesy hash browns and Marie Callendar’s chicken corn chowder pot pie (ELITE). She says that even walking into the grocery store would make her barf so I keep inviting her because I would love to watch my wife hurl all over the produce section and then not clean it up. She can’t cook for the same reason as above which leads to great situations like “can you Foreman those Hebrew National hot dogs?” (I only buy the best and those are THE BEST) only for her to come downstairs and be repulsed because the house smells like hot dogs. MAKES SENSE! I also have to pack her lunch every day. Ever pack a sack lunch for a 33 year old woman? Didn’t think so. She tries her best, I’ll give her that, and she tries not to push me too much (will not give her that) but it’s still frustrating. She’s probably faking it now just to watch me suffer. As I tell her almost daily, I am pretty much her slave at this point. I better get some reparations once this kid shows up. In conclusion on this topic, morning sickness is no joke. You may think that this paragraph is harsh and will get me in trouble (and it probably will) but I’m not worried. The only torture that she has not inflicted on me yet is puking in my face.

*We had to go to the ER already. It was the Saturday in between CHRISTmas and NYE and I was at the casino playing blackjack with Rune when I got a text from She$ that she couldn’t move without vomiting, held no food down, and was contemplating going to the ER. I was already on my fifth G$weiser at that point but decided that my spawn was more important than my millions (the table just started getting hot!) or my buzz. But I stood in line for 30 minutes to cash out my chips anyway because I’m a smart person. I got home and she said that she was going to try to suck it up. I fell asleep with a nice buzz only to be awaken an hour later saying that I needed to drive her to the ER. This is at 2 AM. It was then that I saw the sonogram image of my future child…still a little drunk…and having no idea what I was looking at. Name something more awesome than seeing your kid for the first time with a heavy booze cloud hanging over you! YOU CAN NOT. This is why I get paid the big bucks. The ER Doc walked away and I said something awesome to the wife like, “it looked like a cat’s head”. She was impressed with my stupidity but not impressed with my Anheuser breath. They gave her two IVs and sent us home at 7 am. That was a shitty night.

*Calling your pregnant wife “Octomom” or Kate Gosselin will never not be funny to me.  Most people say that you should be nice to your baby mama.  I disagree.  I believe the exact opposite.  In FACT, I can't wait to have the smallest gut in the house.

*I have no idea what I’m doing or what to expect. I don’t plan on reading any books about what I should or shouldn’t do when it comes to parenting. I feel like I’m ELITE enough to go in blind. And since that will never work, it will give her a chance to make up for how crappy the pregnancy months were for me! LULZ!

*We can find out what we’re having on March 6th. I want to know. She is unsure. I don’t know why. We have so little control over what is happening and what to do; I would love to have at least one certainty. Early prediction for names...Boy = Macho Man; Girl = Miss Elizabeth.  There will be a name post in the future so let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.  This life-changing event is bound to give many HOT TAEKS.

So that’s where we stand. G$ is going to be a father for the first time. If I have seemed a little short-tempered at all recently, it is because I have a lot on my plate these days and that plate features no succulent ribs. I have to give She$ a lot of credit—this hasn’t been easy on her at all but it’s about the end game. No one gives a shit how you got there. I guess that I’m just jealous that she is logging more couch time than me while I’m out walking the dog or doing the dishes. There you go. Now you’re up to speed. In less than six months, I will have my own clone to share my vast fantasy football knowledge with. One thing is certain: I plan on making a TON of mistakes! YAY! BABY! By the way, RibFest is now a Diaper Party. J/K…or am I?

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

So many thoughts....let's bullet point them....

*If Slow Seal is the guy that "cuts down nets", I guess that makes me the guy that raises crystal footballs amirite? Love living in year's past. Thanks!

*Congrats to you finding a woman that would carry your seed....what an idiot she is...devil blogger child coming.

*Looking at the team's you root for and when you were raised....I predict your child rooting for the Penguins, Patriots, Heat and Red Sox...what a glorious front-runner that kid will be.

*Your child will have a better taste for steak than you the second it pops out of your woman.

*Make your woman have a c-section...don't ruin her va-jay jay.

*I never commented on Slow Seal having a child, but years ago I remember watching a comedian talking about what he would do if he ever had a retarded kid. He said that he would buy a house with a pool...leave the porch door open every morning and hope that curiosity took it's place. Well, I can only hope that whenever Slow Seal's kid is old enough to put things together...the kid is lucky enough to be at a place with a pool....and will open that porch door so that his Father will walk out that door and into that pool. #CountIt

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Also, LOLZ at Michigan protecting the rapey kicker for four years. That must be the #MichiganDifference that Ape and Randall are just so proud of. Good thing Hoke said that he had a "tweak" and "family issues" when he was actually getting expelled for raping a fellow student...no need to say "no comment" or "violation of team rules"...let's just make the rapey kicker look as good as possible on the way out. Good look Michigan.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Well that was crass. That's it, you're hosting a baby shower for me and my kin.

Anonymous said...

Hey guys....is LSU good at basketball? Asking for a friend.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I love partying...I will gladly throw you a party.

--Drew

GMoney said...

And in case you forgot...Mr. Ace returns tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

Have your baby momma ask her doctor for anti-nausea medicine.
I think going in blind is your best bet. You don't really want to know what is in your near future.
You need to convince her to find out the sex. Will make things easier to prepare.
On another note, I am in Atlanta this week and it is fucking ridiculous what happened to this city yesterday/last night from two inches of snow. There are abandoned cars everywhere. People said fuck it after sitting on the highway for 12-15 hours. Never seen anything like it.

-NC Nate

Anonymous said...

Congrats again buddy. When's the due date? Has to be fairly close to ours if you said late July?

Seal

GMoney said...

Fuckeye OC Tom Herman is apparently one of those guys who abandoned his car and tried to walk 4 miles to the airport. Hope he gets hypothermia.

Nibbles said...

I am starting to post under a new alias.

Some tips:

-Quit being such a bitch. Congrats on the baby and all, but you're being a total twat about your wife making you do all the grocery shopping, cooking, chores, etc. Make your wife take your own advice and tell her to DEAL WITH IT.

-Drew's advice is terrible. C-Section? GTFO with that. Yeah, a massive scar across your wife's stomach is a much bigger turn on than your wife' vagina turning back to normal over time (which it will).

-Convince your wife to start buying cloth diapers. It's a bigger up front investment, but you'll end up spending about $2,000 in diapers over the life of the child vs. $10,000 in disposable trash. Plus, make her do all the diaper changing. See bullet point 1.

-Give your wife no more than two months to rest after she delivers, before that ass gets back on the treadmill. You give her an inch, she take a mile and look like a mule.

-When people ask you what you want the gender to be, tell the truth. "We just want it to be healthy". Bullshit. You want a boy. Let people know it.

-When the baby come, there will be two messes that will need cleaned up often - vomit and poop. This is where you throw your wife a bone - offer to always be the one that cleans up vomit. It'll pay off in the long run, trust me.

-Don't let your wife turn into one of those white trash moms that post all sorts of bullshit updates about your kid in facebook. "Little Mary Rotten Crotch's nose is running at 3:00am, anybody have any advice on how to fix this?". Nobody gives a shit, and your bat shit wife is making you look bad. Take that shit to the curb.

GMoney said...

They said July 28th but I refuse to acknowledge that they have any clue on that. Tell me "end of July". Don't act like you know, bro. Since the wife and I are always early when we go somewhere, I expect our spawn to be as well.

Let's get down the nuts and bolts here, Seal, and lay it all out there...arranged marriage (gay or straight, makes no THE DIFF). The Seals and the Moneys should join to conquer the world.

Mr. Ace said...

I will be the first one to say it, FUCK MICHIGAN for the way they handled the entire situation. I don't believe I defended them on this, I just said it happened years ago and was investigated . Apparently not seriously enough. Another thing we can blame Rich Rod for!!!

And congrats, G$. If Prime is taking care of Demarcus Cousins baby, and Seal will be caring for Anthony Davis child, who is the real biological father of G$'s baby? Ilgouskas?

Tomorrow will b glorious.

GMoney said...

I don't know who Nibbles is but the wife is not on FB so I'm not worried about. I'm pro vomit apparently!

GMoney said...

I'm all for making fun of me, but the dumb push for "Aaron Craft is the dad LULZ" doesn't work. It's a blatant rip-off of an American classic. Prime and DeMarcus is funny because DeMarcus is black and would probably be a horrible father.

Aaron Craft is a loser and it just doesn't have the same PIZZAZZ!

Anonymous said...

I hope you have a girl.

Seal/Money union? Man the product of that breeding will be guaranteed last pick in everything from sports to trivia.

Let the record show that I was the first to call your kid an asshole. That was sincere too.

Ide

GMoney said...

Send me a text at some point today, Nibbles, so I know who for a FACT who my new life coach is.

Anonymous said...

That's fine Drew, I'll take your shit for UK losing at LSU. As I have said all year, it's very hard to win on the road against any college bball team (See: OSU at Nebraska). UK is a TERRIBLE road team (all losses have come away from Rupp) and so young. I highly expect another loss Saturday at Mizzou.

Seal

Grumpy said...

Prime wins Money Shot Tweet of the Year.

GMoney said...

You are not qualified to give that award out.

As much as I love getting parenting advice from childess weirdos, I'm not going to take parenting advice from childless weirdos. Sorry...NOT SORRY.

Prime99 said...

Congrats again, G$! Raising #AaronCraftJr will be a wonderful experience!

Has your wife tried sea-bands? They are little wrist bands that are designed to help with nausea. They won't cure it, but they can help.

We chose to find out the sex for planning purposes. Otherwise, you'll get a bunch of vanilla shower gifts rather than boy or girl themed stuff. Easier for you to plan ahead, IMO.

Thanks, Grumpy. Tweeting at AC about knocking up She$ was fun. Twitter is great.

GMoney said...

This morning sickness stuff is for the birds. Hollywood has always lead me to believe that pregnant chicks have weird cravings all the time. I was under the impression that I would be picking up Crave Cases at 11 pm every night or dabbling in Fourth Meal 3-4 times a week. I feel lied to.

Jeff said...

Congrats G$!

Not to steal your thunder, but this seems like the appropriate forum to announce that my wife and I are also expecting. August 19th-ish due date. I'll leave it to my wife to make it "facebook official" when she wants.

My wife has terrible morning sickness also. That shit about being a slave and doing everything is TOTES true. We even had to paint a room a different color because she would get nauseous looking at it.

Diaper Party!!!

Anonymous said...

Congrats Jeff!

Our due Date is Aug 6th... all very close.

The wife hasn't been super sick, but very tired.

Seal

GMoney said...

It would be impossible to steal my thunder or sunshine. Congrats. The army that we are building is quite impressive.

I am currently writing a movie called Nine Months A Slave. Ide will not be cast for any role eventhough he is a budding star in Hollywood.

Mr. Ace said...

Jeff, Seal, and G$ are taking their beard game to the next level. I respect your commitment to a closeted life.

My birthday is July 22nd. Hopefully your babies are fortunate enough to share that date with me.

Anonymous said...

Incredible Len reference, G$. Congrats to all you baby makers

J from JBeanie

GMoney said...

Furious with you assholes for not high fiving me for seeing the first ultrasound while technically drunk.

Prime99 said...

You want a high five for drunk driving your pregnant wife and ACJr to the hospital? I think not, BRAH!

GMoney said...

Bro, this Craft thing is weak. He isn't even black.

And I wasn't probably technically drunk (backtracking a bit but not all out lying like Ide usually does). I slept a good hour. I would have passed all field tests. Just smelled horrible and hangover was setting in.

Jeff said...

ACJr is clearly Austin Carr Jr.

Anonymous said...

Awesome comment, Jeff - G$ loves that idiot... I seriously have to mute the tv most of the time when watching Cavs games now because of him. The worst ever.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Yeah, the Craft thing is weak. She$ would be much better off having that seed in her.

Is it too early to make early predictions which kid will be the biggest social outcast? Jeff will sire something foul and just the worst, most assuredly. G$ will likely send his kid to Grove City public which will impart a certain stain of white trash that will never be removed. Seal will hog the Leap Frog toys for himself after he realizes they offer a better education than UK did, leaving his kid to make due learning how to read off of Richie Farmer erotic fan fiction.

And be thankful for morning sickness. Vomitting is a killer ab workout yo.

Ide

Anonymous said...

"Seal will hog the Leap Frog toys for himself after he realizes they offer a better education than UK did, leaving his kid to make due learning how to read off of Richie Farmer erotic fan fiction."

Well done, sir. Not usually do I compliment someone making fun of me, but I def LOL'd.

Asshole.

Seal

GMoney said...

Speaking of Austin Carr, someone stole his banner from the rafters of The Q! His retired number just vanished. Plus, he has been hilarious the last few nights as you can really tell that he fucking hates this Cavs team. Just like me!

I plan on being dead long before high school choices are made (overdosing on being ELITE) so I'll leave that up to the missus.

If we all agree to have boys, that would make for one hell of a #1 scoring line for the CBJ in 2036. Considering my past broomball skills, my kid would probably call RW.

Jeff said...

That will work out perfectly since my child will be a southpaw just like his father.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations G$!

I guess we now know why Iceman was banned.

Anonymous said...

Congrats G$

Subscribership should increase once the CPS workers find this place!

-Rex