Friday, January 03, 2014

It's Our Annual NFL Playoffs Contest!

You're damn right it's short for "DABONER".  Look at it, kid, LOOK AT IT!
The best part about the NFL Playoffs starting is that we are done with all the garbage. No more Jags or Redskins or five Redskins primetime games this season (GOOD CALL!). The shit has been flushed and we’re left with the best of the best God-fearin’ men like Phil Rivers and Andrew Dalton. As is tradition around here, we are starting our NFL Playoff contest today. The prize will be some sort of cash pay-out. I don’t know how much nor do I remember who won it last year. Ask them what I paid out. Seems like something Prime might have won. I think I bought him a onesie that said “MY REAL DAD IS BLACK” on it. Anyway, I’m making it easier this time around as picking over/unders are gone. Spreads rule the day! I’m also adding a stipulation if that I win, the last place contestant has to come out as that Two Dicks Guy from Reddit yesterday. Cakes is the Slingshot!

Before we get going, 3 of this weekend’s 4 games started off with 2.5 point lines. Nothing says “we have no fucking clue” than a 2.5 point line. Let’s pick.

Kansas City @ Indianapolis -1.5
Two weeks ago, the Colts obliterated the Chiefs at Arrowhead which made absolutely zero sense at all if you have followed either team this year. Both teams have rotten defenses so they shouldn’t come into play at all. I feel like the Chiefs will be on the receiving end of some good karma for tanking last week and fucking over the Steelers. Then again, Trent Richardson is due for a 200 yard/6 touchdown game. Fuck it, Andy Reid has an ELITE track record in opening round playoff games. Chiefs 34, Colts 24.

New Orleans @ Philadelphia -2.5
Nothing would be greater joy than the Eagles losing a home game by fifty points which is why I sort of wanted Dallas to win last week. The Saints keep talking about how their horrible road record isn’t that bad even though it is. I will forever say that Nick Foles sucks but at least he doesn’t turn the ball over. The Eagles run the shit out of the ball and the Saints aren’t very good at shutting that down. Oh well, maybe next week for that humiliating loss. Eagles 27, Saints 23.

San Diego @ Cincinnati -7
I think that I’m starting to come around on my feelings regarding Marmalard Rivers. There is no doubt that the uber-Christian procreator is a titanic douche and probably a nightmare to talk to, but he keeps showing up in boots and bolo ties and that is just the best. Plus, his facial expressions lead the league in LULZ. I like him. If you didn’t watch the PFTC video made for Woodhead then you haven’t lived yet. You’ve got to stand for somethin’, or you’ll fall for anything! The Bengals aren’t just 8-0 at home this season…they are 8-0 AGAINST THE SPREAD. No problem in the snow on Sunday. Bengals 38, Chargers 17.

San Francisco -2.5 @ Green Bay
OH SNAP! We’re sending a BRAH out to the frozen tundra for a little below zero football! This is probably the toughest game to pick what with Rodgers returning last week and who the hell knows how tattooed felon, Kaep, will play in the freezing cold. Old Jimmy BRAH seems to have Egg Man McCarthy’s number of late though. The 49ers seem to be trending up at the moment even though the Packers offense is back to being a force. Man, this is a tough one. Well, I really want to see another BRAH/Petey C game so it looks like I’m picking San Francisco. 49ers 31, Packers 28.

Before we go, The Grogsta Bowl is tonight LIVE from Souf Beach. It is your last chance to see the UNSTOPPABLE offense of the Ohio Buckeyes as they take on noted underachievers, Clemson! This will also be the final time for us to see Broxton Milner, Carlos Ide, Ryan Shazier, Tajh Boyd, and Sammy Watkins before they go pro. It’s unfortunate that Noah (Bowen) Spence is too busy hammering himself on chatroulette. Who wins? Like I give a fuck (after all, my job is done) but I’ll pick Ohio because Clemson chokes their chicken more than Spence. Count it. Enjoy the football this weekend, bros, and remember to get them picks in.

49 comments:

GMoney said...

Nathan Horton > ROLL TIDE

Mr. Ace said...

Captain Hindsight here. Of course Stoops would win a fucking BCS with absolutely no expectations or pressure on him. Dumb.

SEC SEC SEC SEC SEC!

My premium guy likes the Fuckeyes -3. He isn't puttint a lot on it (25 units vs 100 units on title game). That Fuckeye D is so damn terrible.

I will be back with my NFL picks. Im obvs not going to pick against the Eagles, but our D worries me. Hopefully it is windy as fuck and Breesus can't get going.

MUDawgfan said...

More and more it's looking like Auburn is going to get their absolute asses handed to them on Monday.

I like:

KC
Philly
Cincy
Green Bay


Anonymous said...

I loved that espn was sucking ROLL TIDES dick all game even when they were down 14 in the fourf. Their secondary played like hot dogshit. It was glorious.

I'm liking Indy, GB, Nawlins, Cindy.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Congrats Oklahoma, you beat 'Bama and still won nothing important... College football sucks - all meaning less games until FSU/UA. Glad I wasn't betting that game last night though, as I would have laid a ton on Bama - didnt think there was any way they were gonna lose that game.

Give me:
KC
Nawlins
Cincy
San Fran

Seal

Anonymous said...

Oh and a shout out to Damman - thank you for introducing us all to Blake Bortles gf... wow.

Seal

Jeff said...

Horton was a better watch than sabecakes. Big test against the blues tomorrow.

KC
NO
CIN
GB

As for the BCS bowl I've already won:
Tajh should be able to throw the ball all over the yard with some big plays to Sammy and martavis with a mix of some swing/screens.
OSU should be able to run all over the place on the clemson D and Braxton will have a solid day passing to the TE after clemson puts 10 in the box to stop the run.
Urbs > Dabo
Herman < Morris
Fickle < Venables
I think OSU wins after a horrible Tajh turnover in the second half which OSU turns into a 2 score lead which clemson can never catch up to.

Mr. Ace said...

That Catler deal still sucks.

GMoney said...

Real men, such as myself, weren't watching lame college football when such superior options as an OT "thriller" between the Magic and Cavs and Phoenix/CBJ game are on. When was the last time that those two teams won on the same night? Never.

Ape, you're in a lot of trouble. When you tweet at Shiekie about how McCarron is going old country style, there will be repercussions/camel clutches. Your picks to him are Paula Deen class, cheeseburger tits.

Are we getting Gruden and Taylor Swift's biggest fan on the call tonight? If so, looks like I'll be watching the Cotton Bowl.

GMoney said...

That Catler deal is Andrew Bynum class.

I'm sure that it will get old and stale shortly but for the time being I am loving The Iron Shiek.

Sambo said...

Did somebody say cotton?

Mr. Ace said...

And #WEON. YUGE win at The Barn to start B1G play. We totes played like shit. Minny is gonna be scary if Pitino can get his affletes and run that press.

That Knight kid has a big arm. I can't wait for the Sooner hype in August.

NFL Picks:
KC +1.5 Andy Reid doesn't lose in the first round. Especially after resting starters. The Colts have turned it around the last two weeks, but Rollin with Reid(WHY DIDNT I COME UP WITH THIS 10 YEARS AGO!!!)

Philly -2.5 The cold weather is obvs in the Saints head. Changing road routines and sweatsuits? You done, son. And Payton took a shot at Chip's weight. Chip is gonna put his belly on Paytons booty.

San Diego +7 This is the classic Stoops situation we saw last night. Absolutely ZERO pressure on the Chargers and everybody thinks they are the worst team in the playoffs. SD has the players to keep up and better QB.

San Fran -2.5 The Packers D is terrible. A Rodg looked like shit last week. Pretty sure the freezing weather doesn't feel well on a broken bone. Lacy isn't healthy. The BRAH controls this game from the start.

Anonymous said...

KC
NO
Cincy
SF

NC Nate

Prime99 said...

INDY
NO
SD to cover
SF

As suspected, the Cutler deal is a three year deal with fours years of team options after. Cutler has to be on the active roster each week to get the full value of the contract. So yeah, it's fine.

Grumpy said...

KC
Cincy
NO
GB

Grumpy said...

If I find out who gave Ide the address to my blog, you're dead to me.

Prime99 said...

Considering that your name in the comments has a link pretty much right to your blog, it was you, Grump.

Techmology. What is it all about?

GMoney said...

It only took Ide 5-6 years to uncover that by the way.

Prime just likes being wrong.

GO CLEMSON! FYI, I'm wearing my amazingly ELITE Ohio State Football tee today that owned the night against Sparty. GOOD LUCK!

Anonymous said...

What? I haven't been to your blog in over a year, since you were talking about tattoos being classy or some shit. Is there someone impersonating me?

Ide

Grumpy said...

Ace, most likely.

Anonymous said...

Starting out the New Year with some flattery. If this doesn't make a strong case for COTY 2014, I don't know what does.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Bama getting pounded last night was good tv. Once auburn gets theirs from FSU, what will Tennessee, Kentucky, seal, etc have to hang their hats on? SEC!SEC!SEC!

Kc
Sd
Philly
GB

DUT

Grumpy said...

You're right Prime, I went brain dead on that one.

GMoney said...

At least you didn't go dead dead.

Anonymous said...

Good pic of Dabo's wife. Ever heard her speak before? Has an awesome southern accent...so hot.

I think the Buckeyes are going to lose tonight. We already know that the defense is so bad fo real...then we lose Spence (not a monster loss with Jamal Marcus behind him)...but, the loss of Roby means Armani Reeves is going to be chasing around Sammy Watkins and that is nothing short of a disaster. I do think we can keep their offense off the field if we just pound Hyde...but, I'm still not sure we can keep up. Clemdaughter 52 Buckeyes 38

Loved the Oklahoma game last night. Funny that one of G$'s most made fun of coaches did that to Bama. Stoops is now the only head coach to win the Grand Slam of BCS bowls too.

Prime's technology comment to Grumps made me LOLZ....spot on.

These NFL games are ridiculously hard to pick this weekend.

I'll take....

KC
Philly
SD
SF

--Drew (aka...Drooler aka...COY 2013)

GMoney said...

Last night proved nothing. Bob Stoops still sucks. He lost to fucking Texas. HE LOST TO CASE MCCOY.

Prime99 said...

At least he didn't lose to CAKES MCCOY.

Randall Stevens said...

KC - Indy still has playoff tickets left and is in danger of having the game blacked out. Home field doesn't matter when your city hates you.

New Orleans - Only because the playoff draft I'm in I was forced to take every Saints player.

Cincy - I would go with San Diego since Cincy also has playoff tickets left for sale (nice fans LULZ) but San Diego almost lost to a KC team that benched everyone.

Green Bay - My brother is going to this game and is sleeping in a van because hotel rooms are $400 a night. I hope he left me all of his stuff in the will since he will most certainly die sleeping in a van in Wisconsin.

Anonymous said...

KC
PHIL
SD
GB

J Saul

GMoney said...

Randall Stevens' brother is mind-numbingly stupid. -20 degrees is optimum sleeping conditions to me!

Can we all start bombing T-Bone's twitter feed with tips on how he should kill himself? HE IS SO BAD. Worse than Adam Neft!

Anonymous said...

KC
Philly
SD
SF

-Damman

Anonymous said...

So, the brother of the guy who shaved "DUMARS" into the side of his head is going to sleep in a van in negative degrees temps before or after sitting outside in negative degrees temps? Family of brainiacs right there.

G$...nobody is worse than Neft.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

I fired my first shot at T Bone. We need to start a movement.

Anonymous said...

Indy
Philly
SD
GB

J from JBeanie

GMoney said...

I just dropped a molten hot take as well. FIRE T-Bone!

Grumpy said...

I don't get all the SD love. They suck going East and the forecast is for snow.

GMoney said...

Oh man. After yesterday's epic unveiling of "The Romney Rule" where if there is a black man in the White House then all NFL teams must interview a white re-tread coach for an opening, Jemele Hill may have topped it.

Her Sportsman of the Year?

The N-Word. Incredible.

Mr. Ace said...

Grump, looking through SD's schedule it appears to me they went 3-3 while traveling east. Seems pretty good to me.

Anonymous said...

Indy
Philly
SD
GB

Buke

GMoney said...

San Diego lost to the Redskins. You can't just gloss over that.

COME ON, HOMOS! Let's get on the offensive with TBone!

Anonymous said...

James Franklin interviewing for the PSU job on Sunday. That would be about as good as they can do. He knows how to deal with rape scandals too.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Bob Stoops has the "inside track" with the Browns. PLEASE GOD YES!

Anonymous said...

KC
Cinci
NO
GB

Larry

Prime99 said...

I don't know this T-Bone character, but I'm trolling him.

GMoney said...

I'm sure that there is some NoCal sports radio wonk that you absolutely hate. T-Bone is worse than that guy.

Mr. Ace said...

Can we have another Stube meet and greet tonight? It worked out well last time.

The more I think about the game tonight, the less I like Clemson. If the Fuckeyes had one playmaker outisde of Hyde and Braxton then I would feel differently. But they don't. Eventually the Fuckeyes are going to have to make plays downfield and I just don't see who is going to make those plays. Clemson has a bad D, but they still have aFFletes. I dunno man.

Jeff said...

Get rid of TBone and get Tim Hall in there? Eh, why not. Going from worst to worst makes no difference, right browns fans? TBone is the IDEest. Or MEest. Either way he sucks. He and porky should have a fried crisco eating contest and both die of heart attacks in the middle of it.

GMoney said...

I would be fine with Carpenter getting the promotion and working with Mike. Bobby has hot takes.

Tim Hall is not bad but he's a host, not a hot taker.

Anonymous said...

KC
NO
Cinci
SF

Andrew B.