|You're damn right it's short for "DABONER". Look at it, kid, LOOK AT IT!|
Before we get going, 3 of this weekend’s 4 games started off with 2.5 point lines. Nothing says “we have no fucking clue” than a 2.5 point line. Let’s pick.
Kansas City @ Indianapolis -1.5
Two weeks ago, the Colts obliterated the Chiefs at Arrowhead which made absolutely zero sense at all if you have followed either team this year. Both teams have rotten defenses so they shouldn’t come into play at all. I feel like the Chiefs will be on the receiving end of some good karma for tanking last week and fucking over the Steelers. Then again, Trent Richardson is due for a 200 yard/6 touchdown game. Fuck it, Andy Reid has an ELITE track record in opening round playoff games. Chiefs 34, Colts 24.
New Orleans @ Philadelphia -2.5
Nothing would be greater joy than the Eagles losing a home game by fifty points which is why I sort of wanted Dallas to win last week. The Saints keep talking about how their horrible road record isn’t that bad even though it is. I will forever say that Nick Foles sucks but at least he doesn’t turn the ball over. The Eagles run the shit out of the ball and the Saints aren’t very good at shutting that down. Oh well, maybe next week for that humiliating loss. Eagles 27, Saints 23.
San Diego @ Cincinnati -7
I think that I’m starting to come around on my feelings regarding Marmalard Rivers. There is no doubt that the uber-Christian procreator is a titanic douche and probably a nightmare to talk to, but he keeps showing up in boots and bolo ties and that is just the best. Plus, his facial expressions lead the league in LULZ. I like him. If you didn’t watch the PFTC video made for Woodhead then you haven’t lived yet. You’ve got to stand for somethin’, or you’ll fall for anything! The Bengals aren’t just 8-0 at home this season…they are 8-0 AGAINST THE SPREAD. No problem in the snow on Sunday. Bengals 38, Chargers 17.
San Francisco -2.5 @ Green Bay
OH SNAP! We’re sending a BRAH out to the frozen tundra for a little below zero football! This is probably the toughest game to pick what with Rodgers returning last week and who the hell knows how tattooed felon, Kaep, will play in the freezing cold. Old Jimmy BRAH seems to have Egg Man McCarthy’s number of late though. The 49ers seem to be trending up at the moment even though the Packers offense is back to being a force. Man, this is a tough one. Well, I really want to see another BRAH/Petey C game so it looks like I’m picking San Francisco. 49ers 31, Packers 28.
Before we go, The Grogsta Bowl is tonight LIVE from Souf Beach. It is your last chance to see the UNSTOPPABLE offense of the Ohio Buckeyes as they take on noted underachievers, Clemson! This will also be the final time for us to see Broxton Milner, Carlos Ide, Ryan Shazier, Tajh Boyd, and Sammy Watkins before they go pro. It’s unfortunate that Noah (Bowen) Spence is too busy hammering himself on chatroulette. Who wins? Like I give a fuck (after all, my job is done) but I’ll pick Ohio because Clemson chokes their chicken more than Spence. Count it. Enjoy the football this weekend, bros, and remember to get them picks in.