Friday, January 10, 2014

Introducing The NEW Mr. Tuesday + Round 2 of our Playoffs Contest

Feel free to take a rock hammer to this face every Tuesday.
Before we get started on part 2 of our four part NFL Playoffs Contest (prize TBD still), let’s all give a warm Money Shot round of applause to our new Tuesday writer, Randall Stevens! I tried to bring on a guy with a similar pedigree and shitty attitude as the last fellow. I feel like I succeeded with this hire. It was like replacing Bill O’Brien (if he were a pedophile) with James Franklin (if he were also a pedophile). Keep in mind, Randall Stevens crawled through half a mile of the foulest shit just to post here so treat him with the utmost respect. Or don’t. Like I give a fuck. Welcome aboard, convict!

Here are the current standings in our little contest. No one went winless but no one went undefeated. Not a very TRANSCENDENT or VISCERAL bunch here.

3-1: Seal, Mr. Ace, NC Nate, Prime, Damman, Andrew B, and Drooler
2-2: G$, Jeff, Grumpy, Dut, Randall Stevens, JSaul, and Larry
1-3: MUDawg, Ide (turd), J from JBeanie, and Buke

Someone is going 4-0 this weekend. I can feel it. UPDATE: It’s going to be me. Why? Because yesterday I called up AT&T to get them to give me free shit and they upgraded me from Express Internet to ELITE Internet. I like the sound of that. The porn is going to be coming fast and furious now. The games and the lines and—remember—you’re picking against the spread. FYI, for all even spreads, tacked on a half point to avoid the dreaded push.

New Orleans @ Seattle -8.5
The Saints showed a lot of heart and GRIT last Saturday but let’s call a spade a spade here: the Eagles are a fluky joke. Beating them is not hard. Still, though, a road playoff win for a team that blows on the road is impressive. There is a pretty big difference between Philly and Seattle however. We all remember the last time that NOLA went up there and they got slaughtered. I think that Mark Ingram is the key player tomorrow (can’t believe I’m typing that). If I feel like Mark Ingram is the key for the Saints than this game is going to be a bloodbath. My head picked Seattle to win the Super Bowl (my heart was much dumber). Can’t go back on that now.  By the way, the forecast for this game calls for 30 mph winds and heavy rain so, yeah, bet the under. Seattle 17, New Orleans 7

Indianapolis @ New England -7.5
I have no idea how to properly rate the Colts. Last weekend just destroyed every pre-conceived notion that I had about them. They sort of feel like a team of destiny but Amish Andy Luck only believes in God and manual labor. I should probably check and see what the weather is like in Boston tomorrow night but I don’t care that much. Fun FACT: FagNasty is in Boston right now. He’s probably being nasty. I think that New England wins but by closer than the experts think. New England 27, Indianapolis 23

San Francisco -1.5 @ Carolina
The first time that these two teams played out in Fagville, it was a goddamn brew-ha-ha of ELITE physicality. The Niners are on a roll now that Kaepernick has all of his weapons and the defense is still great. I do root for horrible things to happen to Donte Hitner because he is an idiot and a liar. I’ve said for the past month or two that I buy the Panthers but this is not a great matchup for them. At least it is at home. This game does feature two of my favorite coaches though with Jimmy BRAH and Riverboat Ron. Everyone seems to like the 49ers in this game. I do, too.  I'd be fucking damned if I picked a team whose fans are sending death threats to THE NATURE BOY. San Francisco 20, Carolina 16

San Diego @ Denver -9.5
And here we go…the annual Peyton Manning first playoff home game choke and then I show up on Monday reminding everyone that his little poopy pants brother is better than him. This is why he is a loser, folks. Never doubt the powers of Woodhead and The Bolo Tie, BRAH! Chargers 23, Broncos 21

These games should be fantastic as The Divisional Round Weekend usually comes through with some bananas games. Enjoy the football and we’ll be back on Monday to break it all down like usual.

33 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

Ya...I feel the same. SEA, INDY, SF, and SD.

Cool Google+ account Randall. Ya queer.

Grumpy said...

Seattle
New England
SF
SD

Welcome Randall. I'm sure you blew the owner to get this gig.

Anonymous said...

NO
Indy
SF
SD

Larry

Anonymous said...

Do all of you live in Colorodo? What the hell are you smoking? all 4 have picked against Denver? Really?

Anonymous said...

NO
Indy
SF
Denver

-NC Nate

GMoney said...

I'm sure you blew the owner to get this gig.

AND HOW! After he cleaned my attic though.

We all picked against Denver because we all have seen what Peyton Manning does in the playoffs. DO NOT TRUST THAT MAN.

Anonymous said...

Any anon is worse than a make believe kid made by Drooler and Grumpy. Go away, asshole, or leave your name.

Nawlins
Indy
San Fran
SD

Seal

Jeff said...

NO
NE
CAR
DEN

G$,

What's your TAEK on LeBetard's stunt?

Senior baseball writers are all elitest assholes so anything to ruffle their feathers is God's work in my book.

GMoney said...

Thanks for the question. I have never liked LeBatard because he is a shithead but I'm fine with this. I don't even know why he has a vote since he doesn't cover baseball at all. Grandstanding and making a spectacle of the "flawed system" is fine but I hope that he doesn't try to play the role of some victim.

Grumpy said...

I think G$ is to be congratulated on hiring the first openly gay writer on this site.

GMoney said...

You should see this faggot work a shaft. It would bring a tear to your eye. So thorough. So tender. NO HOMO.

Anonymous said...

SEA
INDY
SF
DENVER

Randall will always be Lava Girl to me.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

G$ I think u missed your calling as an erotica novel author.

GMoney said...

There is still time. 50 Shades Of Gay will be a worldwide phenomenon. Still trying to see if Stephen King will let me use his Randall Stevens character though.

Anonymous said...

SEA
INDY
SF
SD

J from J-Beanie

Prime99 said...

NO
INDY
SF
DEN

Randall Stevens is friends with Morgan Freeman. Ide does not respect this. He enjoys lesser known white(ish) actors in dark bars.

Randall Stevens said...

Saints - because I have them all in my fantasy playoff. Oh and revenge game and stuff.

New England - the Colts are probably butt on the road and in cold weather. I have no stats to back up that claim.

Carolina - Because Kaepernick will never win a Super Bowl. And they should've slaughtered Green Bay and didn't.

Denver - because Peyton ALWAYS > Eli.

Thanks for that warm welcome G$. I can't wait to hate everyone here on a more personal level.

Anonymous said...

Get back to work shit heel.

IND
NAWLINS
ST
DEN

Ide

Cakes said...

Now I feel stupid for not checking the blog last week. Ah, fuck it! I'm making picks anyway.

Seattle, New England, San Fran, Denver

Welcome, Randall! That last Tuesday writer was a tool.

The robot code has changed to numbers? What! Many things have changed since my vacation/snow vacation.

Jeff said...

Ide going with Special Teams. Bold move. I'm pretty sure all the smart money is on Defense in that game.

Anonymous said...

My auto correct is just tits lately. Yesterday was Shaker instead of Shazier, and who can forget Mario Jarts?!

Ide

MUDawgfan said...

Chargers, Panthers
Seahawks, Pats


GMoney said...

Nothing will ever top the auto correct of Tim Tenor. I was sending a slam tweet to TBone because he was wrong about something as usual and my phone tried to Tenor me as well. Or maybe my phone is linked to my mindgrapes?

And it was Mario Jars. At least I think.

Since Drooler is so cool that he likes to Twitter troll about Milner coming back to not winning anything again, how about you defend Mike Vrabel who would rather coach the worst team in the NFL than spend one more second with Fuckhead Meyer? Clearly, he is getting off the sinking ship.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ...yeah. Or he would just rather coach in the NFL like many people would. Come on son.

--Drew

GMoney said...

NOT BOBBY PETRINO OR NICK SABAN BRAH! IN YOUR FACE!

Anonymous said...

New Orleans
New England
San Francisco
Denver

Buke

GMoney said...

I spoke with Vrabes (that's what I call him) and he said that he was just tired of working for such a dick wart of a man who had no idea how to win football games. He wanted to go work for a winner like Billy-O in a state that has fans that understand football.

He also said that if he stuck around one more day he was going to kill Drooler.

Anonymous said...

He's always been a TCU fan anyway.

Buke

GMoney said...

Great reference...never forget.

Cakes said...

Kind of shocked that Vrabel left to go to the Texans. Might be O'Brien's only payback for that ASS WHOOPING Meyer put on him in October.

Anonymous said...

Seattle
NE
SF
Denver

-Damman

Anonymous said...

NO
INDY
SF
SD

Clearly ANON doesn't realize we are picking agasint the spread. Dolt.

J Saul

Anonymous said...

SEA
NE
CAR
SD

Andrew B.