Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Fantasy Football Awards Banquet


The Worst Show on Television Award



Welcome to the new Tuesday era, dick lovers.  I'm glad to be here and from what I've seen so far, there is a pretty awful collection of human beings that troll these parts.  So I should fit right in.  With college football officially done for the year, we now get to focus on everyone's favorite sport.  Basketball!  Just kidding.  Not really kidding but I will spare you a hoops post today since whiny shit bags like Cakes has a fuckin period every time basketball is mentioned.  So instead I'll ease myself in with a post that I know everyone here will enjoy.  Today I will be handing out some fantasy football end of season awards.  I hope these guys enjoyed receiving these awards as much as I enjoyed handing them out.

Uhhhhh.  What?! Award:  Andy Dalton
I'm still cleaning the shit out of my pants because that's what happens when you see Dalton's name 3rd in overall QB points scored.  Did I miss something like ALL FUCKING SEASON??  This will never happen again so anyone who had/started the Red Rocket all year I hope you enjoyed the flukiest of fluky seasons.  Because next year it will most certainly be......Back to life!  Back to reality!  That's right.  That was a Soul II Soul reference.  Bringin' it hard today.

Waiver Wire Gem Award:  Zac Stacy
The key to this award is the winner must be someone who was not drafted in any league.  And no one in their right mind should have drafted Stacy at the beginning of the year since he was A) an unknown rookie and B) buried on the depth chart behind a worse, thinner version of Stephen Jackson and a life long criminal who was suspended at the start of the season.  Those who were smart enough to snag Stacy when it was rumored he would be the starter were rewarded handsomely.  Stacy could have actually pushed Fat Eddie Lacy for Fantasy Rookie of the Year if he had started all year.  SPOILER ALERT!

Anal Grenade Award:  Peyton Manning
I don't have stats to back this up because I think stats are OVERRATED but I'm going to say that anyone who had the superior Manning this year was at least playing for the fantasy championship.  If you weren't then you didn't deserve to have him and probably had a roster full of Chris Ivorys.

Fantasy Rookie of the Year:  Eddie Lacy
This was an easy choice.  I actually watched quite a bit of Packer football this year and because of that I can offer this golden advice.  If you plan to draft Lacy in the future, make sure it's before his 27th birthday.  The way this fat hog runs the ball I can't see him having a career past 27.

Best Calvin Johnson Impression Award:  Josh Gordon
Just imagine if Gordon wasn't head over heels in love with weed.  How good would this guy be?  Look what Gordon did this year.  Then remember he sat out 2 weeks for having dirty piss.  THEN remember Brandon Weeden started half the games for the Browns and Jason Campbell started the other half.  That should count for at least 2,500 receiving yards.

Rags to Riches Award:  Knowshon Moreno
Moreno hasn't been fantasy relevant since his rookie year.  And you could argue he was barely relevant then.  There were even rumors Moreno wasn't a lock to make the roster this year after pretty much everyone anointed Monteeeeeeeeeeee Ball the next Purple Jesus at running back.  Then Moreno says Fuck The World and ends up finishing in the top 5 at RB points.  Good work, son.  Maybe that's why you were caught randomly bawling fucking alligator tears on the sideline vs. Kansas City.  Tears of joy because you knew you were a lock for this award, right?  Right.

Biggest Faggot Award:  Stevan Ridley
Serious question.  Are Ridley's fingers made out of warm, soft turds?  Flaccid penises, perhaps?  Maybe cooked spaghetti?  I wonder exactly how many people Ridley completely fucked over this year because he has worse ball security than Brucie from The Longest Yard.  Probably quite a few.  At the end of the year you couldn't even be pissed at Belichick anymore for benching Ridley's sorry ass.  Thanks for nothing, shit head.

The I'll Never Be Better Than My Brother Award:  Eli Manning
Eli takes home this prestigious award for the 10th year in a row.  Quite the streak he has going here.

Biggest Disappointment Award:  Trent Richardson
This was the year of the disappointing running backs period.  Never before can I remember a year where so many running backs considered ELITE played so shitty. But one man did stand out among the bunch.  I really don't know what happened to Richardson this year.  Maybe the trade to the Colts got into his head.  Maybe he was never that good.  Maybe he kept tripping over his horse cock on every hand off.  Whatever it was, he has a lot of proving to do next year if he doesn't want the world to agree with Cakes.  And I think I speak for everyone here when I say that absolutely no one wants that.

Did You Know He Played College Basketball?!?!?!?! Award:  Julius Thomas
Motherfucker do announcers just love to latch onto stupid little nuggets like that.  It's especially excruciating in week 14 when every other guy on the planet has already ear fucked us with the history of Orange Julius' basketball career yet the jackass doing Broncos vs. Titans thinks he's sharing new, exciting news with the rest of the world.  You aren't.  GIVE IT A REST!

Fool's Gold Award:  DeSean Jackson
You'll notice that he finished top 10 in wide receiver points.  But like the award says, don't be fooled.  Eight times this season Jackson finished with 8 or fewer fantasy points.  Five of those eight contests he had 3 or fewer points.  I realize he most likely wasn't drafted to be someone's number one wide receiver and was probably drafted in the later rounds.  But it's still shitty for a guy who started off the year so well and had only a white supremacist racist to compete with for catches.

I Told You So Award:  Tom Brady
Fine.  Tom Brady was a letdown this year.  Let that fart sniffer G$ have his day in the sun.  Even losers are right every once in awhile.  We'll always have Eli Manning, right?

This will conclude the awards ceremony for this afternoon.  Feel free to nominate your own players or hand out your own awards.  Side note: You guys see I did my research here before posting.  I didn't shy away from commonly used terminology from previous posts/comments and even knew that Cakes is the worst and respected by no one.  I was sure to add my shots in his direction so we can all bond over it.  I think this will work after all.  Happy to be aboard.

40 comments:

Grumpy said...

Not bad for your first outing. But then, the previous dickwad set the bar pretty low.

Mr. Ace said...

Randall seems like a YUGE Paul Wall fan.

Randall Stevens said...

Mr. Ace seems like a YUGE Pall Mall fan.

GMoney said...

I would like to nominate Ryan Mathews for some award. Dude was healthy all year and actually turned out to be a better than average RB. I was not expecting this.

Carry the Flag? CARRY THE FLAG! DUTDOG RULES!

Randall Stevens said...

The mended pussy award? He may have to share it with DeMarco Murray.

Anonymous said...

Is Dut's perfect home streak in tact? I have zero issue buying him tickets for games if this is true.

Let's not forget that Monteeeee won a championship starting every game. We can also summarize that the G$FL is shit.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Nick Foles at QB. Fly eagles fly!
I think your list is pretty firing and since I had 3 of those players I agree even more.
Can fantasy football season start now?

----Lange

Anonymous said...

Firing = accurate

Jeff said...

Dut wins the "make a trade that Daniel would" award. Knoshown and Gordon to Lange in the same deal.

That trade is still under review by the rules committee for how it was processed, though.

GMoney said...

What sort of award does Nate B get for having his bench outscore his starters in the first round of the MSFL Playoffs? I'll channel my inner-Ace here: apparently having a fine ass mother does not translate into fantasy glory.

I would like to add "Most Underrated TE" as Greg Olsen. Dude is really good and you can count on ten plus points weekly. And to think, Mike Martz couldn't use his skillz in Chicago. BEAR DOWN!

Anonymous said...

I would like to nominate Jimmy Graham for the "The only TE you should ever take in the 1st 2 rounds"... Dude is a badass and puts up numbers comparable to the top 3 fantasy WR's.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Nobody making fun of the Lions yet? I guess this group is mainly Browns and Redskins fans. I remember the day Schwartz was fired I said something like, "The Lions and Browns are lookign for head coaches at the same time....these should be comical to see how badly they both mess this up fighting with each other for coaches". I should have listened to myself. The Browns job is now seen as radioactive due to keeping Chud for a year....and the Lions just fell flat on their faces and seem poised to possibly hire their fucking Rooney Rule interview, because they barely interviewed anyone else....due to for some reason thinking they were a lock for what they wanted. Awful franchise is awful. Why don't they regroup and interview new people after yesterday's embarrassment? So dumb...fo real.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

The Worst Pick I Made In All 3 Of My OTHER LEAGUES: Roddy White
Just so, so horrendous. Ruined my season.

GMoney said...

Drool, I feel bad for you. Your top choice chose Jake Locker over Fat Stafford. Kenny Britt over Megatron. Toby Keith over Kid Rock. That is REALLY sad.

And Jim Caldwell might be the worst hire in the history of coaching. Well, he's better than Don Treadwell. THAT would be the worst hire ever.

Randall Stevens, the old Tuesday Guy used to brag about how he DOMINATED fantasy football yet, as far as we could tell, never made the playoffs in his entire life. Are you better than him because he sucked all the dicks?

GMoney said...

By the way, if you were counting on Stevan fucking Ridley to be your bell cow then you have no idea what you're doing.

Ray Rice was THE most disappointing because he played in 15 games and was bad in almost all of them.

Anonymous said...

I traded away Moreno and Gordon for a bag of dicks and still got 3rd place. Y'all suck.

I CARRIED THE FLAG last night for the first time this season. That was an awesome game. The "lady" sitting next to our group was more manly than anyone on this shitty blog. At one point she screamed at the top of her lungs "OH COME ON! KNOCK HIS FUCKING LIGHTS OUT!!!" It was amazing and terrifying at the same time. I was also surprised to see about 5 Tampa bay fans. Good times had by all.

Dut

GMoney said...

I'm not in the business of complimenting Dut but he got a big two points last night while I'm 0-2-1 this season defending NWA. Well done, BRAH!

(still waiting on Drool to provide his plan for RibFest like he promised)

(also still waiting on RibFest Chairman to pick a date)

Anonymous said...

Ahhhh yes. This is a random idea. But, I went to this relatively new bar in Columbus last Friday called "16-bit". It is an arcade bar that is filled with arcade machines from when people shaved DUMARS into their heads. All of the games are free to play. It's got all of the classics...here is a link http://16-bitbar.com/ . Now I've never been a gamer...and am not good at these things...but, while there I thought that the Money Shotters all getting drunk and playing games like Off Road, Centipede, NBA Jam, NFL Blitz, etc...would be quite the show. The shit talking would be tremendous...and there are a bunch of TV's to keep an eye on sports during that time. It's probably one of those places that the earlier a group got there, the better...for open machines and such. Just an idea...could be a terrible one...but, watching Grumpy face off against G$ in Mortal Kombat would be funny in my opinion.

--Drooler

GMoney said...

This bunch is more likely to play Human Centipede.

Dut and Ape went there before (I believe).

Prime99 said...

I know this place because Ape pimped it on Facebook at some point. I agree that this place sounds awesome and I will totally go- When Grump sends the private jet for me. Two years in a row with no jet?!? What the hell?

Mr. Ace said...

Dut and I have been to this bar several times. It is ELITE. However, it also gets fucking packed and the seating situation isn't the greatest, especially for a large group. Let's just bring Golden Eye/Mario Kart to Barleys.

I will dominate all in NBA JAM.

Anonymous said...

First off, the original is in Brooklyn, known as Barcade. Also, I'm looking at a place there tonight. I am cooler than the sum of the rest of you.

Secondly, Goldeneye is a myth. No one will ever bring it. I get it. Being humiliated by me has to be tougher to swallow than a juicy medium rare steak without ketchup or A1 is to G$, but deal with it. I'd only remind you of it constantly.

Ide

Randall Stevens said...

I was not counting on Ridley to be my #1. But I WAS counting on him to be a really good #2 coming off the brilliant season he had last year. He wasn't even a decent bye week filler.

I have no problem bringing Goldeneye to his year's RibFest. Any chance to humiliate Ide needs to be taken advantage of. RibFest just can't be March 15 or 22nd. I'm busy, bitches.

Anonymous said...

Lions hired Caldwell. There's the bar Browns...can you go lower? I find it hard to believe you can...but, you always find a way to compete!

--Drew

Cakes said...

Welcome to the party, Randall. Go eat a dick.

Solid award choices though. Pey Pey earned me a cool $500 this season and my first EVER fantasy championship. Awesome record-breaking season, bruh! It's been a long 15 years to get that championship. Thanks for keeping the neck AIDS at bay for the season to help me reach the promised land.

Also, I'd like to thank the Twitter cowboy, Jim Irsay, for giving the Browns an extra first round pick for their third string RB. SOLID trade! I'm sure the Browns will fuck it up but that's not the point. Cleveland finally took someone behind the woodshed in a deal. NEVER FORGET that I was on TEAM TRADE.

The coaching options out there are SHIT! I've heard we're looking at something called an Adam Gase. Sounds promising!

GMoney said...

There is no bar lower than Caldwell.

Of course Ide would move to Brooklyn with the rest of the hipster faggots. He probably LOVES Lena Dunham.

March 1st? March 8th?

GMoney said...

Let's just throw this out there:

Is anyone jealous of Ide because he lives in NYC? No? OK, so GIVE IT A REST. You don't even have OHIO BUCKEYES FOOTBALL where you live!

Mr. Ace said...

I have long said Ide was a closeted hipster. Congrats on coming out.

What weekend is the first round of the tourney? I vote that one.

I would pay Gus Malzahn 5 mil a year before I would even interview Caldwell. There are totes candidates out there.

Prime99 said...

The Lions basically hired Lovie SMIFF without a mouth scar and knowledge of defense. All class, though!

Cakes said...

I think about Barley's a lot. I can't fathom not going there again. What we do after. Shit, I don't care.

Pretty much any weekend works for me as long as we have enough notice.

Grumpy said...

March 15 or 22 sounds the best for RibFest.

GMoney said...

RibFest just can't be March 15 or 22nd. I'm busy, bitches.


Randall Stevens just said this. So those dates are out. As fun as it would be the exclude the new guy*, that isn't an option. If you work here, we plan around your schedule. DEAL WITH IT.

Jeff said...

CBJ home game at 2 pm on March 1st. Can't think of a better way to start RibFest.

Mr. Ace said...

Fun Story: There is a black dude at my work that does a lot of science labs and projects with the kids. The kids call him the science guy. I have nicknamed him Trill Nye.

GMoney said...

Starting RibFest with the CBJ? Now THAT sounds like an ELITE day!

Anonymous said...

Kicking off Ribfest with hockey?

How do you type the poop/fart noise???

Seal

GMoney said...

^Mike Brown?

Anonymous said...

^you win.

Seal

GMoney said...

No one would be legally obligated to Carry The Flag (trying to get that changed in the state gubmint though) but it would be a terrific way to start a wonderful day. Name one thing better than Panthers/CBJ? YOU CAN'T!

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