The Worst Show on Television Award
Welcome to the new Tuesday era, dick lovers. I'm glad to be here and from what I've seen so far, there is a pretty awful collection of human beings that troll these parts. So I should fit right in. With college football officially done for the year, we now get to focus on everyone's favorite sport. Basketball! Just kidding. Not really kidding but I will spare you a hoops post today since whiny shit bags like Cakes has a fuckin period every time basketball is mentioned. So instead I'll ease myself in with a post that I know everyone here will enjoy. Today I will be handing out some fantasy football end of season awards. I hope these guys enjoyed receiving these awards as much as I enjoyed handing them out.
Uhhhhh. What?! Award: Andy Dalton
I'm still cleaning the shit out of my pants because that's what happens when you see Dalton's name 3rd in overall QB points scored. Did I miss something like ALL FUCKING SEASON?? This will never happen again so anyone who had/started the Red Rocket all year I hope you enjoyed the flukiest of fluky seasons. Because next year it will most certainly be......Back to life! Back to reality! That's right. That was a Soul II Soul reference. Bringin' it hard today.
Waiver Wire Gem Award: Zac Stacy
The key to this award is the winner must be someone who was not drafted in any league. And no one in their right mind should have drafted Stacy at the beginning of the year since he was A) an unknown rookie and B) buried on the depth chart behind a worse, thinner version of Stephen Jackson and a life long criminal who was suspended at the start of the season. Those who were smart enough to snag Stacy when it was rumored he would be the starter were rewarded handsomely. Stacy could have actually pushed Fat Eddie Lacy for Fantasy Rookie of the Year if he had started all year. SPOILER ALERT!
Anal Grenade Award: Peyton Manning
I don't have stats to back this up because I think stats are OVERRATED but I'm going to say that anyone who had the superior Manning this year was at least playing for the fantasy championship. If you weren't then you didn't deserve to have him and probably had a roster full of Chris Ivorys.
Fantasy Rookie of the Year: Eddie Lacy
This was an easy choice. I actually watched quite a bit of Packer football this year and because of that I can offer this golden advice. If you plan to draft Lacy in the future, make sure it's before his 27th birthday. The way this fat hog runs the ball I can't see him having a career past 27.
Best Calvin Johnson Impression Award: Josh Gordon
Just imagine if Gordon wasn't head over heels in love with weed. How good would this guy be? Look what Gordon did this year. Then remember he sat out 2 weeks for having dirty piss. THEN remember Brandon Weeden started half the games for the Browns and Jason Campbell started the other half. That should count for at least 2,500 receiving yards.
Rags to Riches Award: Knowshon Moreno
Moreno hasn't been fantasy relevant since his rookie year. And you could argue he was barely relevant then. There were even rumors Moreno wasn't a lock to make the roster this year after pretty much everyone anointed Monteeeeeeeeeeee Ball the next Purple Jesus at running back. Then Moreno says Fuck The World and ends up finishing in the top 5 at RB points. Good work, son. Maybe that's why you were caught randomly bawling fucking alligator tears on the sideline vs. Kansas City. Tears of joy because you knew you were a lock for this award, right? Right.
Biggest Faggot Award: Stevan Ridley
Serious question. Are Ridley's fingers made out of warm, soft turds? Flaccid penises, perhaps? Maybe cooked spaghetti? I wonder exactly how many people Ridley completely fucked over this year because he has worse ball security than Brucie from The Longest Yard. Probably quite a few. At the end of the year you couldn't even be pissed at Belichick anymore for benching Ridley's sorry ass. Thanks for nothing, shit head.
The I'll Never Be Better Than My Brother Award: Eli Manning
Eli takes home this prestigious award for the 10th year in a row. Quite the streak he has going here.
Biggest Disappointment Award: Trent Richardson
This was the year of the disappointing running backs period. Never before can I remember a year where so many running backs considered ELITE played so shitty. But one man did stand out among the bunch. I really don't know what happened to Richardson this year. Maybe the trade to the Colts got into his head. Maybe he was never that good. Maybe he kept tripping over his horse cock on every hand off. Whatever it was, he has a lot of proving to do next year if he doesn't want the world to agree with Cakes. And I think I speak for everyone here when I say that absolutely no one wants that.
Did You Know He Played College Basketball?!?!?!?! Award: Julius Thomas
Motherfucker do announcers just love to latch onto stupid little nuggets like that. It's especially excruciating in week 14 when every other guy on the planet has already ear fucked us with the history of Orange Julius' basketball career yet the jackass doing Broncos vs. Titans thinks he's sharing new, exciting news with the rest of the world. You aren't. GIVE IT A REST!
Fool's Gold Award: DeSean Jackson
You'll notice that he finished top 10 in wide receiver points. But like the award says, don't be fooled. Eight times this season Jackson finished with 8 or fewer fantasy points. Five of those eight contests he had 3 or fewer points. I realize he most likely wasn't drafted to be someone's number one wide receiver and was probably drafted in the later rounds. But it's still shitty for a guy who started off the year so well and had only a white supremacist racist to compete with for catches.
I Told You So Award: Tom Brady
Fine. Tom Brady was a letdown this year. Let that fart sniffer G$ have his day in the sun. Even losers are right every once in awhile. We'll always have Eli Manning, right?
This will conclude the awards ceremony for this afternoon. Feel free to nominate your own players or hand out your own awards. Side note: You guys see I did my research here before posting. I didn't shy away from commonly used terminology from previous posts/comments and even knew that Cakes is the worst and respected by no one. I was sure to add my shots in his direction so we can all bond over it. I think this will work after all. Happy to be aboard.