Friday, January 24, 2014

Big BRAHther Always Knows Best

Atherton, CA is a quiet, peaceful town located a short distance outside of San Francisco. However, the upper class area was recently hit with one of the worst natural disasters the likes of which no resident had ever seen. The bay area suffered through a terrible earthquake in October, but the locals state this was one million times worse. There is ash in the air. Five days later, houses are still aflame. It almost appears as though homes had been picked up off of their foundations and thrown into their neighbor’s property. It is a bizarre scene indeed. No one quite knows what happened, but they have a good idea who is responsible for it. We check in on that “good idea” today.

Sarah: Honey, it’s me. Can you please come out of the basement? You’ve been locked down there ever since you got back and you are starting to scare our six children (ed. note: poor kids).

Shut-In: LEAVE ME ALONE! YOUR VAGINA SMELLS WORSE THAN JUSTIN SMITH’S JOCK STRAP.

Sarah: But, baby, there are people here to see you. They say that they have a delivery of khaki pants that need your signature.

(the old hermit crawls up out of the basement appearing to have aged 40 years over the last 5 days)

Everyone: SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER!

Shut-In: What is this? Who are these people? Do I know any of you?

Sarah: OH SNAP! I got you good, you limp-dick fuck! Welcome to your surprise 50th birthday party!

Jim Harbaugh: But my birthday is December 23rd, sugar tits.

Sarah: I know that but we haven’t seen you at all in 5 months so we are celebrating it today and, more importantly, trying to shake you out of your depressed stupor. Now go upstairs and clean yourself up.

(Jim cold cocks Sarah in front of the entire party…that is the last we will be seeing or hearing from her today…Jim returns 10 seconds later looking like his old self again WITH RED PEN NECKLACE…ejaculates on the face of his unconscious wife)

Jim: I don’t know what my WHORE second wife told you all, but I am still in no mood to celebrate or smile or even ice if you can believe that. I want you all to leave NOW.

(a familiar figure cloaked in all white slowly walks toward Jim…the mystery man with the KKK outfit punches the birthday boy in the nuts)

John: RISE AND SHINE, FUCKFACE! FOR THE NEXT WEEK, I’M STILL THE CHAMP AND THE CHAMP WANTS TO PARTY BRAH STYLE! EVERYBODY WHIP YOUR DICK OUT AND SMACK IT ON THE PERSON TO YOUR LEFT!

Jim: It’s always nice to see my asshole brother but I really don’t want to do this. Last Sunday took its toll on my soul and I had a bad heart to begin with. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. You saw what I did to Sarah just now—

John: It was ELITE. I am so proud of you. Hell, Joe Flacco is proud of you for doing that and he eats Mighty Wings!

Jim: Yeah, well, two weeks ago that punch would have put her into a coma. Now I’m so weak and fragile that she will be conscious again sometime Tuesday. I am not myself.

John: Here. Drink this. This will snap you out of your faggy funk.

(takes big pull from unmarked jug…immediately hurls on all the guests)

Jim: What is this shit?

John: Oh, just a little something I like to call HALOTI NGATA’S DIARRHEA AND PINEAPPLE JUICE! You need to snap out of this ASAP, Bro-lt McCoy (was not invited). There’s a reason why no one else in the family wanted to come today. Mom and Dad are tired of explaining to the neighbors why they have a winner and a loser for sons. Joani is being a cunt somewhere.

Tom Crean: Hi brothers! Happy belated birthday, Jim! I got you a CRIMSON & CREAN t-shirt! Get it?

Jim & John: FUCK OFF AND DIE, TOM. IF YOU CAN’T BEAT NORTHWESTERN THEN YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.

(Crean turns around to leave—huge mistake—Jim cuts through his spine with one of the thousand machetes he has lying around the house)

Jim: Fuck that guy. Well, if these assholes aren’t going to leave even after witnessing another savage episode of domestic BRAHlence, let’s go around and talk to everyone.

John: GREAT! You know Steve Young.

Jim: Thanks for coming. You already set the world record for longest time that a Mormon pig fucker has been in my house. Now get out.

John: Hey Vernon, how’s that big black rattlesnake hanging!

Jim: NICE FUCKING GAME ON SUNDAY. WHY DON’T YOU CRY FOR ME NOW, TOBY! IF IT WERE UP TO ME, I WOULD HAVE THROWN YOU OFF THE PLANE MID-AIR SUNDAY NIGHT BUT THE AIR MARSHAL SHOT ME WITH FOURTEEN TRANQUILIZER DARTS.

John: This is getting to be a lot of fun for me. Alex Smith! How the hell are you?

Jim: What the fuck are all these Mormons doing here? Alex, I made a huge mistake. My heart and head said white but my balls said black. I should have stuck with you. We’d be polishing trophies and each other’s knobs right now. I’m truly sorry.

(John rips out Smith’s still beating heart)

John: A BRAH never apologizes to anyone. You should know better. What would dad say if he heard about this?

Jim: Who the fuck parked their Escalade in my pool!!!

Aldon Smith: That was me, coach. Mrs. Johnson’s first grade class said that I couldn’t park on top of them anymore. Coach, do you know where I can get more sizzurp?

(the brothers make their way around the guests; barely noticing any of them…Crabtree is bawling in the corner, Hitner is spearing lawn statues, Alex Boone is lifting Smith’s car out of the pool and it lands on Frank Gore’s monster dong, Barry Zito is there for some reason, Total Recall is playing music that everyone hates)

Jim: Hey, faggot, do we have any food here? I haven’t eaten shit since I went down in the basement five days ago.

John: I’m glad that you asked, turd breath. Haloti, show my bro what you’ve got cooking for this luau!

(Ngata removes banana leaves to show a roasted Pete Carroll, cooked to perfection…you can see Jim’s erection growing and growing until his zipper breaks and pokes Ngata in the gut)

Jim: I love you, brother.

Randy Quaid: Save the neck for me, John!

John: Jim, I know that it is tough on you to constantly fail and disappoint the family, yourself, me, and all of BRAH NATION. But you need to come back to us. In times like these, I like to harken back to words that I just made up: “if you can’t beat him, eat him”. So it’s time for you to eat Pete Carroll and get your groove back.

(Jim happily obliges and is knee deep in a leg within seconds)

Jim: This is fantastic. Hey! Give me some more of that diarrhea juice!

John: I knew that you would love it.

Jim: But what about Sherman? He needs to feel my wrath.

John: Don’t you worry about that THUG. I called in a few favors.

(Ray Lewis boards flight to Seattle)

Jim: Wait, usually when I start eating cooked human being, the Feds storm in. What gives?

John: I called in an anonymous tip of heavy gang and cartel activity over at Kaepernick’s house. One look at him and they’ll busy for a coon’s age.
Jim: You thought of everything, BRAH. Thank you.

John: Don’t mention it, dick queef. We’ve all been there. Now let me suck the juices out of Pete’s head.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

I dont get it

GMoney said...

You wouldn't. You're the kind of anonymous person that would get stuffed into lockers by the BRAHs.

Basically, this is "How Jimmy Got His Groove Back"...now get back to Carrying The Flag. 8.

Jeff said...

CARRY IT!

It's unbelievable to see how much skill is on this hockey team. From what used to be Rick Nash, a hope, and a prayer(never answered), to having a squad with players better than Nash on every line is god damn 'mazin.

Anonymous said...

Another fantastic story from the BRAH'S. God I love those guys.

If you cant beat him, eat him. Awesome.

Great post.

Sitting second row for the most worthless NBA team ever tonight. If we lost to the Bucks, I am never going back.

Seal

GMoney said...

Ouch...courtside seats for Cavs/Bucks is the saddest cool thing that I've ever heard of.

Randall Stevens said...

People like Anon who show up just to bitch about how bad the writing here is don't deserve to know the BRAHS.

I love the Randy Quaid cameo. Seems like he fits right in.

Prime99 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr. Ace said...

I really want to know how John BRAH feels about Flacco. I bet he is pro-unibrow.

Did Jim BRAH take Pam Oliver down in the basement with him? He has probably been walking around wearing her wig since Sunday.

GMoney said...

The Quaid cameo was part of this from the start. Now I don't want to go too "insider" here and let everyone know how the sausage is made, but I thought that a Cousin Eddie appearance would really make this piece sing.

Also, I wanted to use that Saddam picture so bad. It fits his mental state so well.

I'm also a big fan of writing these because it leads me to their Wikipedia pages which always brings out some LOL nuggets. Like the FACT that Jim has 6 kids and the oldest son works on John's staff. Tremendous! The legacy lives on. Might have to include him in some future works.

Anonymous said...

Jeff....that Rick Nash guy has 10 goals in his last 10 games. Let's watch the hyperbole.

Love the BRAHS.

--Drew

Jeff said...

Ryjo 37 pts
Dubi 34 pts
Wiz 31 pts
Foligno 27 pts
Atkinson 27 pts
Umby 26 pts
NASH 26 pts
Arti 25 pts

Just sayin. Plus the CBJ owns MSG.

Now tell me Nash has been hurt and I'll raise you Horton and Gaborik.

GMoney said...

Did I miss when some big Rangers honk chimed in this morning? Love your passion OBVZ but we all know who the second best team in the Metro is. And we're gunning for you, Crosby.

UPDATE: Ide is not dead. That's a shame.

Cakes said...

Haven't heard from the BRAH's in some time! Just what I need to warm my heart on this bitterly cold day.

This was my favortie part.

John: Don’t you worry about that THUG. I called in a few favors.

(Ray Lewis boards flight to Seattle)

Jeff said...

Nothing get the comment section going like some good hockey debate.

So Ide didn't die, but did he lose his ability to type or browse the interwebs?

Did he take notes from someone that previously used to comment here?

Mr. Ace said...

G$ text me ur address or I'm sending your tranny mags to LS.

GMoney said...

Ide popped up on FB and Twitter last night to comment on how great it feels to JOIN THE BATTLE. Can't argue with that.

Not gonna lie...sent my most ELITE Tweet last night @BarackObama asking when the Jackets would be honored at the White (Black) House. CARRY IT!

Prime99 said...

I don't pay attention to the CBJ's at all, but based on this comment section, I assume they are undefeated.

I enjoy a good BRAH post.

Anonymous said...

G$...since you spoke of it...how are you enjoying twitter?

--Drew

GMoney said...

I am. If you keep who you follow to people you only want to read, then it is easy and your feed doesn't get too cluttered. It's amusing and informative. I think that it might last for the long haul. Plus, you can say absolutely awful things to people who are better than you (or worse like TBone) with no repercussions.

Anonymous said...

Talking shit to reporters and celebrities is definitely an ELITE part of twitter.

Josh Brent got 180 days in jail for killing his teammate.....LOLZ.

--Drew

Randall Stevens said...

Twitter was like trying guacamole for the first time. I had no idea how awesome it was until I experienced it.

GMoney said...

All I know is that if I ever become a quasi-celebrity, I would NEVER check my mentions. Soooooo many awful things said.

I think that I'm going to keep tweeting at famous people during Jackets games. That seems to make me LOL. Who knows...maybe George Clooney also carries the flag. I won't know for sure unless I ask him, right?

GMoney said...

All I know is that if I ever become a quasi-celebrity, I would NEVER check my mentions. Soooooo many awful things said.

I think that I'm going to keep tweeting at famous people during Jackets games. That seems to make me LOL. Who knows...maybe George Clooney also carries the flag. I won't know for sure unless I ask him, right?

Anonymous said...

You can say that again!

--Drew

GMoney said...

Had a feeling that that was going to happen.

Mr. Ace said...

MSFL monies are in the mail. Now quit your bitching and besmirching of my good name on Twitter.

GMoney said...

Thanks, Dut!

Mr. Ace said...

I....I can't even say anything to that.