|OMG Cotton Bowl fan, that is the best sign ever.|
I'll start today off with a mini rant. If any of you have been watching AMC, even for two seconds, in the last month...you'll know exactly what I'm about to talk about here. I've fucking had it with these commercials with celebrities tossing out guilt trips for starving kids in third world countries/preventing animal abuse. I love how they reduce the donation down to a specific amount of change per day so they can really drive home how big of a piece of shit you are for not donating your money. The commercials might as well go something like: "These. Two. Quarters. That's all you'll be asked to give up per day, you selfish, fat prick. You spend more than that a day on just candy bars, you son of a bitch. I bet you regularly throw away leftovers too, don't you? Just letting perfectly good food slide off of your sausage fingers into the trash while a satisfied, greasy smile glosses over your chubby fucking face. Meanwhile these kids are DYING! These animals are getting their heads caved in while you stuff your fat fucking face with empty calories. GOD! You are so fucking worthless and self absorbed. All that can change if you give us your money." And these commercials play every two fucking seconds to make things worse. The best combination I saw was an animal abuse commercial hosted by Alyssa Milano directly followed up by a commercial hosted by Susan Sarandon about donating cows to Africa so the kids can have milk and slaughter the cows for tasty hamburgers. Irony at its best. Hey! Assholes! You're not getting any of my money so GIVE IT A REST! Now that we've established that...onto the second week of bowl games.
I guess that makes TWO teams in the country Ohio can't "hang" with. #causedbycakes. I think it's safe to say Ohio would have been turned inside out by FSU. Shit. Probably Auburn too. It looks like UBRZ is in the midst of a newer, better streak. And I'm not talking about the brown streaks in his Hanes nut hugging briefs. Will this loser ever win another game? I think we can all agree that he won't. The latest report has Buck-A-Roo Broxton Milner coming back for his final Buckeye season. That's another full season of fake injuries and unnecessary ambulance rides. Matt Millen is just bursting at the crotch seems, thinking about another Buck-A-Roo season of Milner. How bad was the commentary of that game, by the way? Only Millen can successfully make watching football uncomfortable.
I also love how Ohio mouth-breathers can queef things like "that was not an interception" or "we were hurt by injuries". The only thing that makes Ohio embarrassments better is when they get to make excuses for being an embarrassment. If you have no depth then apparently recruiting means nothing. That is not an excuse. In other words, SAMMY WATKINS SICK! The FACT is that Clemson is better than you are. And so is Michigan State. #FIREMEYER
Duke had one of the most gorgeous collapses in all of college football on New Year's Eve. One of the Saul boys...GSaul. JSaul. FSaul. QSaul...whichever Saul is the closet Duke fan, will be pretty upset. I can't keep them straight since it feels like there's fucking 60 of those little shitheads running around. Anyway. The legend of Johnny Ballsack continues to balloon after his heroic comeback that led the Aggies to an improbable victory. John Shitlips is gonna be a terrible pro. It makes TOTES sense that most mock drafters have the Browns taking him. I'm sure most Browns fans are currently trying to talk themselves into that hilarious move. Liquor helps, guys.
When you're in the redzone seven times (Georgia) and only score one touchdown, even teams (Nebraska) that define average can beat you. Seriously. Do Nebraskans even like watching Nebraska? Taylor Martinez looks like he pees the bed and has been one of the most OVERRATED college QBs I can remember. Tommy Armstrong looks to be following in those same footsteps with his LULZ 6-14 passing day. The most exciting thing about Nebraska is that Bo Pelini has a brother who sucks dick for crack. Not surprising since the Pelini's are from Youngstown. I bet Maurice Clarett is Carl Pelini's dealer. Or Jim Tressel.
Lester and the boys were able to hold off a pesky Iowa team.......*sigh*. I can't even fake this one. It's so painful writing about such a boring game. I blame Iowa. My only question is did Lester give himself a celebratory swirlie? Did he have a bottle of toilet water from 1984 he was saving specifically for a game like this? Did he share with the room? I'm sure Iowa gave Kirk Ferentz a raise after this game because that's a very Iowa thing to do. Rewarding mediocrity.
My favorite part of every South Carolina game all year was watching Jadaveon Clowney just fucking mail it in. Has a college football player ever been more disinterested in playing a season than Clowney was this year? He continued that trend against Wisconsin in the Capital One Bowl. I guess Spurrier should be happy he doesn't have to make excuses for Clowney to the media anymore or try to come up with a better explanation than, "He's a lazy black guy that wants to make a lot of money in the NFL next year and doesn't want to jeopardize that by getting hurt." Because isn't that what was really going on all year?
It looks like Stanford failed to play Stanford football for the third time this year in the Rose Bowl. Or maybe...Michigan State just out-Stanforded Stanford and played Stanford football better than Stanford themselves! Did I just blow your mind? If I were a Sparty fan, the fact that losing to Notre Dame was the only thing keeping my team out of the national title game would seriously keep me up at night. State was Tommy Rees'ed back in September for their only blemish. Think about that. That one has to sting. Dantonio has to be happy since that win gave him a handsome raise and he will now be one of the highest paid coaches in the Big 10. It's awesome to think that before the Rose Bowl, Dantonio was on the same pay scale as Tim Beckman.
Southern dreamboat A.J. McCarron goes out with a loss in his last college football game. He didn't do himself any NFL favors either with a pretty assy performance from top to bottom. Look for Bob Stoops to take the Cleveland Browns vacancy and get fired after 20 games. Then either come back to Norman with his tail between his legs or latch on to another program somewhere else. I bet everyone is on this Trevor Knight fella's ballsack at the beginning of next season.
Missouri won, so did UCF and so did Vanderbilt. I'm done for the day so feel free to put your two cents in on those games if you care enough. The national title game was last night so we can toss some opinions out about that game as well. So plenty to talk about this Tuesday. This is the first time in a long time the BCS national championship game hasn't been live blogged to perfection. The end of an era for now. I'm sure I'll have no problem talking the new Tuesday guy into it although he'll never do it with the same grace and panache of the old Tuesday guy. Lastly, don't forget to discuss how Urban Frank Meyer will never win another college football game in his career.
Second lastly, I'm curious to know who Jeff rooted for in the Orange Bowl. I mean, he's been an Ohio knuckle-dragger his entire life but the best years of his existence took place in SC. My guess is that at some point he was internally pulling for the Tigers. Also, now we know why Ohio schedules dog shit teams...because they can't hang with anyone that has a pulse. OHIO FOOTBALL IS AS OVERRATED AS THEIR HEAD PIGFUCKER COACH.