Thursday, January 30, 2014

An ACEterview: Flying J Jimmy Haslam & A Stone Cold Stunner

Bouncing Tits (18 gifs)
Titty balls are back too. Hooray!

Yes, gentlemen and gentlemen lovers, Mr. Ace is back to give you a weekly dose of #ELITE at The Money Shot. Mr. Ace, the guy who gave you fantastic reads like these;

An ACEterview: The Wrath of Tebow
May The Forcier Be With You
An Interview From Hell...Literally
and many more to come.

 Now for what you all came here for... An ACEterview!

I have been keeping close tabs on the Browns coaching search because, as most of you may be unaware of, I am also a train crash aficionado. Ol' Flying J Jimmy Haslam sat down with me to discuss his coaching search and the candidate they eventually settled on.

Jimmy Haslam: Ace, great to finally meet you. I like to surround myself with people with reputations as prestigious as your own.
ME: 9 inches of fun, Jimmy.
JH: What?
ME: Huh? Why do you reek of formaldehyde and whiskey?
JH: That's how we do it down in Tennessee, boy. Meth and Fireball's with every meal.
ME: The Browns strike me as a very pro-Meth and Fireball franchise.
JH: Only second to Pittsburgh.

ME: So the Cleveland Browns, eh? How can you possibly make this franchise worse?
JH: I've already removed some of the treatment equipment. I'll probably have the hot water turned off at some point during the season. I'll take away the private jet and start to make them ride the bus. Then I'll--
ME: The fuck? You're just going to recreate the plot from Major League? You should totes do that. That would be so Cleveland.
JH: Exactly. Anal beads will be sponsoring our touchdowns in no time.
ME: Because Cleveland fans love taking it in the ass! I get it. Man, I hope that isn't just the drugs talking.

ME: So I'm just going to throw out the names of some coaches you were interested in for the Browns head coaching job, tell me what comes to your mind.
JH: Shoot.
ME: How about the guy you got rid of? Rob Chudzinski.
JH: He called himself Chud. FUCKING CHUD! "Chud no like quarterbacks. Chud no like truckstops. Chud much like Trent black dong. Chud no like giving sticky massages." He had to go.
ME: Adam Gase.
JH: He opened up his playbook and every sheet had very detailed drawings of Peyton Manning's cock.
ME: Josh McDaniels.
JH: We weren't interested in him. We just wanted to bring him in and laugh at him while we watched every Tim Tebow snap on film.
ME: Mike Munchak.
JH: Way too good of a coach for a Cleveland sports team.
ME: Tony Dungy.
JH: Is a colored. I love how he killed his son, though.

ME: So what made you settle on Mike Pettine? He has literally never been considered a head coaching candidate by any other team.
JH: That fucking guy. "I'm a winner. I create winners. I can get this team to the top." Those words really came out of his mouth. About the Cleveland Browns. What a fucking--
(Glass Shatters)

ME: Mother. Of. God.
Mike Pettine: I know I didn't hear this silver spoon having, money laundering, employee scamming mother fucker talking about the toughest SOB on the planet.
JH: Mike, of course not.
JH: I was just telling Ace here about how impressive you were as a candidate.
MP: Mr. Ace, if you think I should drop kick this piece of shit all the way back to the truckstop bathroom stall that he was conceived in, gimme a hell yeah.
JH: Calm down, dammit. I'll send you right back to that shit hole you came from.
MP: You know what, you're right. I'm truly thankful for this opportunity you have given me. (Extends a handshake to Jimmy).
JH: As you fucking should be. (Reaches out to shake hand).

Pettine tried to ask me questions about what Haslam was saying about him, but I could only stand there in awe of this magnificent man. He fake ejaculated beer foam all over me. The Texas Rattlesnake is back and he is patrolling the sidelines of the worst NFL franchise. Congratulations, Browns fans, you've found a keeper. At least until next year when Kliff Kingsbury grows his hair out and reveals himself as HBK. Until then, expect cans of whoop ass to be flying off shelves in the Cleveland area.


Mr. Ace said...


Anonymous said...

Hey Drew.... Is Penn State good at basketball? Asking for a friend.


Grumpy said...

Ace should get Randall's Tuesday gig. That was ELITE.

Anonymous said...

I was really praying for a porn post. Then invalidating it because it didn't include Dillion Harper.

The only basketball game where i have to hear shit locally and on the internet. The 95 lb marathon swimmer at my gym was kind enough to troll me this morning.

I told her to eat a sandwich.

I wanted to at least.


GMoney said...

That did not disappoint. Welcome back. Your photoshop game is on point. Actually, no, those were real pictures.

Also never forget that Tony Dungy's quiet STREMPH and intolerance allowed his gay son to kill himself.

Man, I'm not going to lie, the idea of Jimmy Haslam getting a Stone Cold Stunner has me erect.

GMoney said...

Also: PENN STATE BASKETBALL!!! Great teams lose to Nebraska and Penn State. Thad Matta still top ten coach now, shitbirds? LULZ!

Anonymous said...

Funny post....wish it was longer.

Slow are not even close to good. We deserve all the LOLZ.


GMoney said...

It's getting harder and harder for me to understand why Thaddeus Matta is even still employed. Oh well, the new nubian president will get rid of that pear-nosed loser ASAP.

Nibbles said...

Welcome back Ace.

GMoney said...

By the way, Ape, my boy Chucky Marts just flipped some big sambo DT from NC who verballed to Toledo Tom and is now coming to RedHawkVille. DEAL WITH IT.

Dude is killing it on the recruiting trail so far. Also nabbed some other big strong Afroman from Souf beach. We aren't really known for plucking players out of that area since forever.

GMoney said...

Funny post....wish it was longer.

You've already got them wanting more, BRAH!

Robot word: father

Randall Stevens said...

Okay, Ace. You can stay. Fine work son.

I can't believe I missed all of the baby fun yesterday. It's amusing how much Aaron Craft Jr. bothers G$. It would bother me too since he can't even beat PENN STAAAAAAAAAAATE!!

It makes more sense that Robbie Cano would be the father. Knocks up She$ then bolts to the other side of the country to hide like a true black man would. man...same thing.

My favorite part of yesterday had to be Drew trolling Seal hard, then Drew getting trolled back instantly by his own team. Ohio will be lucky to have the honor of being first rounded by Robert Morris in the NIT at this rate.

Jeff said...

Solid Ace, welcome back. I also wish it was longer, but I'm sure your wife says the same thing.

Always leave them wanting more!

Penn State is good at basketball when compared to Ohio State (along with many many others)

Mr. Ace said...

I can't give out too much #ELITE in the first day.

The Rockets obvs pulled his scholly offer. Just not Toledo material.

There has been a kid walking up and down the hall all day with his hand down his pants saying "Walking down the hall, scratching my balls." I imagine this is also in the future for G$'s spawn.

GMoney said...

That would definitely be the behavior of my seed. I will teach him (if that's what comes out) the proper methods of a good ball scratch. I have so many great nuggets to give out.

I don't like Craft Jr because it isn't funny. Dude is a fag. We know that. Cano is a much better reference.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back, gayce!

Osu basketball is going the way of Kentucky last year. Are you allowed to turn down an NIT invite? This team sux. And since we are admitting that our team blows, this means you can no longer make fun of us. Randall Stevens made the rules during football season.

I can't believe how many of you are having babies! I always assumed that nobody on this blog was getting laid without a fleshlight. You can't get a fleshlight pregnant, right?


GMoney said...

Dut, nope. No ovaries in a fleshlight. Also, it doesn't talk back.

I am furious that none of you Big Lots Buckeyes took your medicine on chatroulette last night!

Anonymous said...

G$, you don't get to pick the spook that knocked up your baby mama. I already established that Craft was actually a compliment, since dude is scrappy, white, and going to fucking med school or some shit. THAT IS TOO GOOD FOR G$. GIVE IT A REST.

Anthony Bennett was a great pick, and let's not forget, he got double digits for the first time the night G$ announced the knock up. That is no coincidence since black have been known to put up career numbers on big baby days. Ironically, the put up career low numbers when it comes to child support.


GMoney said...

Or flip it completely around: The baby mama/She$ is actually Stube Suzette. Mind = blown

Cakes said...

Your photoshop is nothing short of amazing. Good post, Ace.

GMoney said...

I'll tell you what, the Browns could do a lot worse (and have) than hiring old Stone Cold to run the team.