IT FEELS SOOO GOOD TO BE BAAAAAAAAAACK!
|Titty balls are back too. Hooray!|
Yes, gentlemen and gentlemen lovers, Mr. Ace is back to give you a weekly dose of #ELITE at The Money Shot. Mr. Ace, the guy who gave you fantastic reads like these;
An ACEterview: The Wrath of Tebow
May The Forcier Be With You
An Interview From Hell...Literally
THE PORN POST
and many more to come.
Now for what you all came here for... An ACEterview!
I have been keeping close tabs on the Browns coaching search because, as most of you may be unaware of, I am also a train crash aficionado. Ol' Flying J Jimmy Haslam sat down with me to discuss his coaching search and the candidate they eventually settled on.
Jimmy Haslam: Ace, great to finally meet you. I like to surround myself with people with reputations as prestigious as your own.
ME: 9 inches of fun, Jimmy.
ME: Huh? Why do you reek of formaldehyde and whiskey?
JH: That's how we do it down in Tennessee, boy. Meth and Fireball's with every meal.
ME: The Browns strike me as a very pro-Meth and Fireball franchise.
JH: Only second to Pittsburgh.
ME: So the Cleveland Browns, eh? How can you possibly make this franchise worse?
JH: I've already removed some of the treatment equipment. I'll probably have the hot water turned off at some point during the season. I'll take away the private jet and start to make them ride the bus. Then I'll--
ME: The fuck? You're just going to recreate the plot from Major League? You should totes do that. That would be so Cleveland.
JH: Exactly. Anal beads will be sponsoring our touchdowns in no time.
ME: Because Cleveland fans love taking it in the ass! I get it. Man, I hope that isn't just the drugs talking.
ME: So I'm just going to throw out the names of some coaches you were interested in for the Browns head coaching job, tell me what comes to your mind.
ME: How about the guy you got rid of? Rob Chudzinski.
JH: He called himself Chud. FUCKING CHUD! "Chud no like quarterbacks. Chud no like truckstops. Chud much like Trent black dong. Chud no like giving sticky massages." He had to go.
ME: Adam Gase.
JH: He opened up his playbook and every sheet had very detailed drawings of Peyton Manning's cock.
ME: Josh McDaniels.
JH: We weren't interested in him. We just wanted to bring him in and laugh at him while we watched every Tim Tebow snap on film.
ME: Mike Munchak.
JH: Way too good of a coach for a Cleveland sports team.
ME: Tony Dungy.
JH: Is a colored. I love how he killed his son, though.
ME: So what made you settle on Mike Pettine? He has literally never been considered a head coaching candidate by any other team.
JH: That fucking guy. "I'm a winner. I create winners. I can get this team to the top." Those words really came out of his mouth. About the Cleveland Browns. What a fucking--
ME: Mother. Of. God.
Mike Pettine: I know I didn't hear this silver spoon having, money laundering, employee scamming mother fucker talking about the toughest SOB on the planet.
JH: Mike, of course not.
JH: I was just telling Ace here about how impressive you were as a candidate.
MP: Mr. Ace, if you think I should drop kick this piece of shit all the way back to the truckstop bathroom stall that he was conceived in, gimme a hell yeah.
ME: HELL YEAH!
JH: Calm down, dammit. I'll send you right back to that shit hole you came from.
MP: You know what, you're right. I'm truly thankful for this opportunity you have given me. (Extends a handshake to Jimmy).
JH: As you fucking should be. (Reaches out to shake hand).
ME: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH SHIT! (Shits pants)
MP: AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE CAUSE MIKE PETTINE SAID SO!