Wednesday, November 27, 2013

THE GAME is back...'nuff said?

It's finally here. The greatest rivalry in college football is BACK. That's right. It's IRON BOWL WEEK (pronounced ARN BAWWWWWL)!!! Alabama and Auburn (holders of the last FOUR national titles) strap it up again "on the plains" to determine who wins the SEC West. You know that this game is important because it isn't played at noon AKA The Beth Mowins Hour. If you play at noon, you are irrelevant. FACT. Oh yeah, that regional rivalry is also being played on Saturday with their usual stakes of "none" on the line. Since I have nothing nice to say about either of these programs (other than the greatness of Jake Butt), I have enlisted the help of two of our finest to help get the hate juices flowing and explain why anyone should care (let alone watch) this game. Gentlemen and skank, I give you JSaul and BradyCakes to explain The Game. Enjoy!

Why does JSaul hate the Ohio Buckeyes?
This is a pretty easy write up, as I could just point to the mouth breathers in the comments section as case in point to why anyone would HATE OHIO, let alone the Michigan faithful.

I’ll start off by saying first of all, I feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t get to be part ofa rivalry of this magnitude. Every year it brings out the same hate and attitude in both fan bases. You would likely skip any life event to not miss a single minute of THE GAME.

A little background on my fandom and where the hate started; I grew up a Michigan fan (myself and my entire extended family) in a small town positioned in NW OHIO about an hour plus from Ann Arbor and 2.5 hours to Columbus. So it was say 70% OSU to 30% Michigan at best, which means there was always plenty of OSU idiocy to deal with on an annual basis. I went to undergrad at OSU, so I’d like to think I bring an undercover approach to the hate for OSU – I have an intimate knowledge oftheir fans and methods from the nucleus of their horrible program. I never flirted with switching allegiances, as that to me would be the true definition of a traitor. And let’s face it, based on the reasons below, I was never really tempted to. On withthe HATE HATE HATE HATE:
- They think it’s cool to have pride in their band. How lame is this?! The BEST DAMN BAND in the LAND pride is one of the dumbest things to ever take pride in and I’ll tell you why. The bands most signature, iconic pregame display (SCRIPT OHIO), was ripped from Michigan! C’mon, you know it’s true. You guys have built the pride and foundation of your “World Class” marching band on Michigan lore. So I’ll throw out a “GIVE IT A REST” with the Best damn band in the land shit.
- Feeding off of that point, they steal everything they base themselves on. Raising academic standards (Michigan), Buckeye Bounce (Probably a soccer team/Penn State), Hells Bells on Third down (No doubt this was stolen as well).
- Brutus has nuts on the Brain….dudes gay. Pretty evident by all the sweater vest and bow tie wearing douche bags that university employs.
- They pee on each other. Yeah it’s true….ever been to hineygate? They purposely set that place up with a terrible urinal situation so that the faithful will get drunk and pee on each other (this is fact so don’t even try to argue…). And we thought Penn State had problems.
- You’ve let “Buckeye Guy” become a thing. Seriously, this guy is a HUGE LOSER and is your most iconic fan.
- The songs and chants. Let’s face it, no one outside OSU fans like it when anyone breaks out in song and chant (Other than the OOOO NAPOLEON chant). OSU fans do this ALL THE TIME. Nothing is worse than sitting through a group of Fuckeyes singing WE DON’T GIVE A DAMN FOR THE WHOLE STATE OF MICHIGAN. Don’t get me started on the OH – IO screams that ring throughcampus any given minute of any given fucking day. That ear piercing diarrheaproduces the most self-conscious chills from even the biggest of homers, because they know that they HAVE to respond to it. This is personally my favorite way to mock them all.
- Mirror lake jump…have you seen this, have you heard this? Yeah, during Michigan week every buckeye strips down to their underwear to jump into a freezing cold pond to somehow prove their football team is ready to play Michigan…
- Conversations with OSU fans. Have you ever been engaged in one where you thought you were having an objective, fact based, unbiased conversation? I didn’t thinnk so.
- Anyone anywhere will still line up to get an autograph from Maurice Claret.
- You douche bags actually think that since you have dominated for the better portion of a decade, that for some reason the rivalry has lost its luster. Get fucked. A granular difference in the two fan bases, this is what I call the “act like you’ve been there before” Theory. You haven’t been. Sure let’s just forgetabout the 80’s and 90’s because the 2000’s are all that matter. Selective statistics.
- Your new Savior still has Ohio fecal matter on his dong. Never forget.

I’ve polled 7 of my most trusted OSU haters in preparation for this write up. A few more responses to add on reasons WE HATE OHIO:
- Commenter Dut
- Their Inbreeding skills. But the most overwhelming response from the faithful on why I and my brethren hate OHIO:
THE OBNOXIOUS, IGNORANT, FULL OF THEMSELVES, CHEST POUNDING, MOUTH BREATHING FANBASE! (6 of the 7 responses if you include the DUT piece).
Let’s face it. The most hate worthy part about ohio is their fans. I’ve had to surround myself with more OSU fans in my life that I’d like to admit, and it really takes its toll. Win, lose, tie; they do not falter in their obnoxiousness. There is nothing more fun to me than being in a room full of heart broken fuckeyes. HATE HATE HATE HATE

Strong Take! On the contrary, why does our old buddy, Brady, hate Michigan?
When our internet overlord, G$, asked me to represent the Buckeyes during hate week, I naturally jumped at the opportunity. Well, by jumped, I mean I procrastinated for several days and just threw together this post while being hungover after the Buckeye game. What can I say? Don’t knock the hustle. Anyways, there are tons of reasons to hate Michigan and I’m here to present them to you in Your Biggest Stan’s favorite format. Bullet points. It’s the laziest way to offer material to an audience. You fuckwads deserve nothing but the best.

•All of their talent and coaches come from Ohio. It’s ridiculous really. If you take our great state out of the Michigan equation, they are Western Michigan at best. Desmond Howard? Cleveland native. Charles Woodson? Fremont. Bo Schembechler?Born in Akron and coached at Miami. The list goes on and on but I’m too lazy to lookup any more. You get the point. I used to get really pissed about players leaving thestate but now I kind of view it like a badge of honor. Ohio State gets the best of the best these days anyway. There was a time when Ann Arbor was a desirable destination for ELITE high school athletes but that era has been taken behind the shed and shot. It was a good run, you guys.
•Tom Brady wears really awful sweaters. The only thing that keeps convincing me that he isn’t gay is his slightly overrated supermodel wife. Maybe she’s just an elaborate beard. Whatever the case, Tom doesn’t seem to understand the sweater game. Wouldn’t you think one of his teammates would pull him aside before he takes the podium wearing those ridiculous threads? I’m the last person you would ask for fashion advice and even I know that shit looks ridiculous.
•Mike Hart is a vagina. How fitting that he never got a win over the good guys. For the amount of shit talking this douchebag did during his playing days, you would’ve thought Michigan was a perennial title contender. We all know that isn’t true so why all the hot air? I did like the little brother comment though. That was solid trolling. If they are the big brother, Ohio State must be the great great great grandfather of that family.
•All of their fans wear hunting gear to the games. I don’t know why this bugs me so much but it does. Hunting clothes are made for slaughtering delicious animals out inthe wild for me to eat. They are not acceptable attire for cheering on your favorite football team, no matter how hickish that team may be. Clean it up, Ann Arbor.
•There are no more actual Wolverines in the state. I think all team names should have something to do with your state or regional area. Since there are no more of these animals left living in the wild, I propose some alternate team names that reflect the state of Michigan more accurately. Michigan Double Wides. Michigan budgetary defecits. Michigan Marlboros. I’m sure we can come up with a ton more that are way better than those.
•Brady Hoke has the name of a god but the voice of prepubescent girl who smokes three packs a day. Seriously. What the fuck is going on with his voice? It’s a form of torture to have to endure an interview with him for more than one mminute. Gargle some salt water, bro.
•Their lame attempt to not say “State” after Ohio is entertaining. Hoke has already slipped up and several players have as well. I can understand trying to get in your vastly superior arch rivals head but there has to be a better way right? The fact thatthe fan base has adopted this little habit is interesting. Why would you jump on the bandwagon of some guy who is dragging your program down and is barely over .500 for his career? Solid choice.
•It’s really fun to watch Michigan lose and all but they are a HUGE reason why nobody respects the Big Ten anymore. Ohio State can only do so much for this pathetic group of teams. Michigan used to be a blue blood of college football and now they are a fucking joke. I cringe every time we have to watch DG98 prance around and throw more picks on national television. Time to sack up and stop embarrassing yourselves and the rest of the teams that have to be associated with you.
•There are tons of Michigan fans that live in Ohio. I don’t understand this at all. I was raised with the idea to be proud of where you were from and to root for the teams that represented that place. Hence, I like the Indians, Browns and Buckeyes.

It’s a pretty simple equation. Why would you want to root for a team that represents a school you have never gone to and a state you have never lived in? I would be embarrassed at trying to convince people of why I liked Michigan. Can’t wait to hear Iceman’s response to this one.

That’s all I got. My prediction for this Saturday is 45-14 Buckeyes. Urban will have the boys ready to go. It’s going to be really embarrassing for you Michigan fans when the stadium is taken over by OSU fans again. That’s got to sting.

Another STREMPHY submission! I must admit that you both exceeded my very low expectations. Well done. We can declare a winner or a loser all day but if you root for either of these two teams then you aren't a winner and never will be. But since this site if about laying it all on the line, I'll go with Ohio to win 41-17. How about some quick-hitter gambling picks for the weekend (including the return of the GH!)?

Ball State -34.5 vs. Miami - Last chance to bet against the Hawks until The Vest Saves Us
Duke +6.5 @ North Carolina - Any school that accepted Ide is automatically terrible
Maryland -2.5 @ NC State - Whatever
UAB -14.5 vs. Southern Mississippi - USM isn't covering two weeks in a row
Georgia Tech +3.5 vs. Georgia - This would the ultimate cherry on top of the unluckiest college football season since Marshall's team took that hilarious plane ride.
Clemson +5.5 @ South Carolina - LOLWUT?  This line implies that the Cocks would be favored in Death Valley.  No fucking way.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (9-2.5!) Toledo -8 @ Akron - You roll in cold weather by running the football at ELITE levels.  The Rockets run better than the Zips.  Plus, the MAC may only have 5 bowl slots for 7 bowl eligible teams so those on the bubble (like the Rockets may be) need to impress.

NFL Picks (that I don't really like but whatever): Green Bay +7 @ Detroit, Pittsburgh +2.5 @ Baltimore, and New York Giants PK @ Washington.

MR. ACE IS ONE FIRE! HE IS THE OPPOSITE OF RON BORGES' PLAY-CALLING! Our simian friend is now 14-12 on the season and, due to prepping his tofurkey, is also giving quick hitters this week.
NCAA Florida Atlantic -28.5 vs. FIU
NFL St. Louis +10 @ San Francisco
Moneyline Jacksonville (which would be the greatest)

As mentioned many times this week, we're dark until Monday.  So enjoy your food (especially the leftovers), football (especially not the Redskins), and alcohol (especially the Stroh's).  Let's make a concerted effort over the next few weeks to ROLL DAMN TIDE and WE WORK.  GO HOKESTER!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

College Football Week 13


Stick around as the Gundy puppet will now eat his boogers for 20 bucks.



I know this is old news by now but we should all still take a moment to LOL so hard at Derrick Rose's 60 year old floor layer's knees.  I hope you weren't tired of Rose-Watch 2012-13 because you're about to get another full portion of that shit.  Normally I would feel kinda bad for Rose but he really rubbed me the wrong way with how he handled his ACL tear last year.  Especially how he started getting salty with the media for asking him when he was expecting to make his return.  He seems like a good guy...he just has a cunty side to him and for that, I'm not sorry this happened.  Since we're already on the topic of "things that suck"...

Time to shit or get off the pot, Hoke.  Fire Gorgeous Borges or go down with the shit ship.  Forty five yards of offense in the second half?!  Piss in my mouth.  There are teams that accidentally get more yards than that on one fucking drive.  We can't run.  We can't pass.  We can't block.  We can't stop turning the fucking ball over.  The play calling is atrocious.  It's time for this dick cheese to go.  Get Borges out.  I'm sick and fucking tired watching this team tard its way through 4 quarters of football on the offensive side of the ball week after week.  It's flat out unacceptable.  Because at the end of the day this is:


Christ.  I can just feel it.  Ohio is somehow going to slime its way into this title game.  Baylor is in the process of getting LOL'ed by Oklahoma State at the time of this writing and Jameis Winston is about two seconds away from staring down the barrel of his cell mate's butthole for the next 60 years.  I guess on a high note we will get to watch Ohio do their best Notre Dame impression against ROLL DAMN DYNASTY.

Speaking of Baylor.  They deserved to lose that game.  Mainly because Oklahoma State successfully ran pretty much every single trick play known to man outside of the annexation of Puerto Rico.  (ELITE Little Giants reference).  And because Mike Gundy is a hilariously awful dancer.  I had no idea this "Teach me how to Gundy" thing was such an Internet hot spring!  Way to reinforce that "all white people suck at dancing" stereotype.  At least we'll always have Justin Black Man to reinforce the "all black people are criminals" stereotype.

For the love of everything fucking holy!  Will people ever learn that the NCAA ain't nothin to fuck wit?!  Alabama assistant STREMPH and conditioning coach Corey Harris has been fired by ROLL DAMN ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY for giving safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix a loan of less than $500. There’s a few things to address here.  First…do you really need an assistant STREMPH and conditioning coach?  Is that a completely essential position on your coaching staff?  I doubt it.  Second…nice fucking name, shit for brains.  The Key and Peele football name skit is sadly starting to become more of a reality.  Third, as a coach…HOW FUCKING DUMB ARE YOU?! You are on a the payroll of the best program in division I football in the last decade.  How at any point did you think what you were about to do was okay?  If I’m a coach and one of these players comes up and asks for something even as meaningless as a bite of my sandwich, I’ll tell them to go to fucking hell.  Mainly because that’s my sandwich, bitch.  I bet Ol' SabeCakes screamed a swarm of angry hornets when he caught wind of this news.

God hates Georgia.  That's the only explanation behind Murray tearing his ACL.  If there was a final nail to be driven into the Bulldog coffin, it was just violently plunged in with the subtlety of a sledge hammer.  Never before in my entire life have I ever seen one single team afflicted with so many catastrophic season ending injuries.  Insane.

Jesus, Oregon is soft.  Just soft, white, mushy trucker butts all around.  Getting Rich Rod'ed and held to 16 points by a staff that would care less than zero if it were possible about defense is pretty humiliating.  Marcus MariLOLa is turning out to be just another shit Oregon QB in a long line of hilarious failures at that position.  I think it's time to stop taking this team seriously as a national title contender forever.

Eat dicks, Manziel.  That's plural.  Multiple dicks.  I fucking loved every second of this complete meltdown of a game from Captain Shitbag.  39% passing with 2 picks, eh Heisman?  I guess the pressure of being Mr. Fucking Wonderful is getting to him again.  For some reason I just can't stop thinking about how fucking unbearably douchey this dildo had to have been in high school.  Please go die.

Welcome to your peak life point, Derek Carr.  It will never be better for you than it is at this very moment.  Enjoy it while it's here and take advantage of it to its fullest.  Most importantly slay as much pussy as you can because in a year from now no self respecting jersey chaser will want any part of a NFL practice team QB days away from being cut and demoted to Olive Garden manager (Olive Garden references on back to back days?!  Eerie).

Normally I'm a fan of blowouts because you know...never leave it in doubt.  But if you're FSU, why the fuck do you even bother scheduling a team like Idaho?  Idaho!?  YOU DA HO!!  Sorry...had to get that out of my system.  Any school that actively recruits players like Mark Schlereth will always be useless and not worth playing.  At least Idaho wasn't the only ones that got their taints handed to them on Saturday.  Lotta 70 burgers out there last weekend.

Will Muschamp...HE GONE!  Well, technically no...but it's going to happen.  That's a bad loss, bro.  And at home to boot.  Being a fan of a team that has suffered similar humiliation, the only advice I can offer to Florida fans is that eventually that loss won't bother you anymore.  The bad news is that it will take a good 5 years to get to that point.  The worse news is that it will take more than 10 years to get your program back to where it used to be.  God speed, Gator faithful.  Booze helps.

Your Tuesday college football platter, Tonya and the cock faces.  Enjoy it.  It's been a good month since I've gone out and tied one on due to Wheelz shoulder surgery.  So getting absolutely fucking gassed tomorrow night should be quite memorable.  Will the Napoleoners be grinding on 19 year old single mothers at Club Rick's tomorrow evening?  Or just Damman?  And just in case you shit eaters were wondering why there was no mention of this weekend's blood bath, it's because my employer has me by the short and curlies and requested I leave that to later this week.  FUCK YOU, CAKES.

Monday, November 25, 2013

The Worst of Week Twelve Vol.VII

On Wednesday of this week, it will mark the six year anniversary of Sean Taylor's death.  It still pisses me off that this happened at all and probably always will (as it should).  But what makes me the most mad bro is that 2 of the four Olive Garden cooks who murdered one of the best players in the league at the time are still awaiting trial.  WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?  Fry those browns already.  YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!!  But it does give me the excuse to post the gif of the greatest play in Pro Bowl history.  You don't run fake punts on 21, BRAH.  RIP 21.

Before we get to the Worst Of the week, a little site news: we'll be dark on Thursday and Friday this week as we spend our Thanksgiving with Terrelle Pryor (he better play to justify why the fucking Raiders are on).  Tomorrow will be business as usual with Iceman talking college ball and explaining that Baylor only lost because they didn't play Baylor Football.  WE WILL NOT BE TALKING ABOUT "THE GAME" TOMORROW.  Wednesday, however, we will as I have enlisted the services of JSaul and BradyCakes to explain why they hate the other team.  That should be fun as long as they actually do some writin'.  Gambling picks will also be tacked on Wednesday.  God bless.  Now let's talk about shitty players from yesterday...

The Last Man Standing - Well, well, well...after being benched twice and replaced with awful arms, Brandon Weeden is the cheese that stands alone.  Jason Campbell was killed twice yesterday and now your favorite punching bag remains to lob interceptions and rack up garbage time yards.  You deserve it.  I'm glad that Cakes got to watch this in person.  He especially deserves that.  Are you still ahead of the Steelers?  No, you are not (although I didn't look it up so maybe that is wrong).  The world feels right again.

Fatty Fat Fat - LOLOLOLOL way to lose to The Schiano Men in your own building!  I guess I'm back to not knowing what the hell the Lions are.  I'll tell you, that tardbilly Mike Glennon looks like he might have a place in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.  He's way better than I thought he would be.  It's pretty much a guarantee that he has fucked an animal though.

Calvin Johnson - Not holding onto that final ball is TOTES a Puff Daddy play.  I don't know if the Lions score from the 5 but I know that they would have had a better shot than what they got after bumping an easy pick to Team MRSA. 

Tie Games! - Donovan McNabb still probably doesn't understand that a game can end in a tie.  After Scott Tolzein got benched even after showing off his ELITE spin moves, Flynn-sanity re-emerged from out of nowhere and the Packers mustered a miraculous tie.  This was a really good game as these two teams are known for.  I'll say it because no one else does: I think that Christian Ponder is OK.  He isn't ELITE, but I don't think he's bad.  He can move around and has a pretty good arm and his wife is adorbs.  I'm on Team Ponder.  Thursday's Packers/Lions game is freaking huge.

That ELITE Chiefs Defense - I guess not, eh?  This was another incredible game that was highlighted by Philip Rivers miming sodomy on Andy Reid for some strange reason and some insane Rivers celebrations after that game-winning touchdown pass.  I'll tell you what, over-exuberant Rivers is the LOL that keeps on LOL-ing.

Marc Trestman - I hated the call to go for on it on 4th and a little longer than one when the Bears were down 10.  That was dumb as fuck.  People like to rip the NFC East for being bad AND IT IS but the NFC North is pretty shitty itself.  Hell, no team won yesterday and two of the teams played each other.

Kyle Long - You are the inferior Long Bro, bro!  That was cute when Kyle was playing dirty and Chris had to come out and tell him to quit being a homo.  By the way, Mama Long is not unattractive.  Well done, Howie, keep burying that Broken Arrow of yours.  ELITE Howie Long movie/assumed crooked penis reference.

Gary Kubiak - It's going to be great when Houston has no other choice but to fire this guy even though he had an on-field stroke (or whatever).  And if you lose a home game to the Jaguars, you deserve to be unemployed.  The Dolphins and Jets also lost but no one cares about them. Although my recommendation of Miami beating the line was fairly smart.

FRIENDSGIVING - The big reveal in the LFL chat yesterday was that Dut hosted whatever a Friendsgiving is last night.  This sounds so lame.  None of us were invited because he is a jerk and I assume that only sex offenders were given the green light (to eat turkey and fuck kids).  Dut is weird.

Victor Cruz - Well, the Giants fluke run is over.  It would be nice if salsa boy would actually do something.  I'm tired of seeing shitbags like Reuben Randle catch touchdowns even though he blows huge Les Miles cock.  The Cowboys are still bad.

Chuck Pagano - Yeeeeeeeesh, they need to stop falling behind by three scores before they wake up.  It seems like beating Peyton Manning was their Super Bowl and everything else is just going to be a mail-in.  It is pretty clear to me that Bruce Arians was the real mastermind behind CHUCKSTRONG.  Did you know that the Cardinals are 7-4?  I had no idea!  HONEY BADGAHHHHHHHH!!!

FANTASY! - I rectified my only MSFL loss by sticking it to politician LS.  I clinched a bye in the LFL for the millionth year in a row by kicking two fags for the price of one queer (Ide and Burke).  I may even win my other two league matchups this week as well but need some help.

That will do it for this week's installment.  Feel free to laugh at how bad the Redskins are tonight.  I'm sure that they will get BRAH'd out of their own building.  And if somehow they win (they won't), a guaranteed Jimmy BRAH blow up is nice to see.  But the only thing that matters now is Terrelle Pryor's health so that he can save Thanksgiving for all of us.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Proof That I Am Pretty Much Ron Swanson

I seen him...which is to say, I saw him.  Count it.
I am, by no means, a handyman. I have tools but they hardly ever get used because I have no idea what to do with them. But every once in a great while, I will be tasked with performing some sort of Bob Vila shit. Last weekend, the in-laws came down on Sunday for the afternoon and her dad was given the job of fixing our leaking washing machine. It was discovered that a hose was cracked and needed replaced and the straps that hold the washer tub in place were broken (3 of the 4). Basically, I had a renegade washing machine (which was hilariously purchased off of some homo guy out of his garage). However, the GE (and Scheinhardt Wig Company ELITE reference) parts had to be ordered and shipped. This meant that the repair was falling on my broad and sexy shoulders.

She$ and I started in on it Wednesday night. I did my usual yelling at her for being in my light and demanding that she get me a chair to sit on. I did a lot of complaining as I am wont to do. She actually had the nerve to say “You know, it was YOUR idea to save $800 and fix this”. Yeah, the parts needed cost $37 which is a much better idea than unnecessarily buying a new washer and dryer (FYI, the dryer works fine but she thinks that we should by them as a pair because question mark). Seems like I nailed that decision, idiot wife. Never get married. Anyway, I fought through poor lighting and sausage fingers and fixed that bitch up good and proper. It’s running like a beaut, Clark, again and I have only me to thank. Again, I suck at DIY projects but it’s good to know that every once in a while, I can dig up the STREMPH to complete some appliance repair. I SICK.

(drops toolbox on the floor because it was not even remotely closed…blames wife for it)

Let’s get to the gambling advice for the weekend. Obviously, the big games of the weekend are Baylor/OK State and Les/Football. I’m not touching either of these games but I get the feeling that the Bears lose and Lester pulls off another one of his miracle wins. I hope that I’m wrong. Anyway, we’ve seen enough football this season to pretty much know what is going to happen. There is no need to bet toss-ups when there are a ton of perfectly cromulent lay-ups every week. Why take a risk on, say, Tennessee when you have a perfectly good Purdue/Cal/Southern Miss/UConn/South Florida that you could be picking against every week and winning 80% of the time. You don’t get extra money for being daring and suave…just pick the fucking winners.

Illinois -7 @ Purdue – Worst BCS conference game of the year? Beckman knows that if he loses this, he is done. Plus, Purdue is shit.
Michigan State -7 @ Northwestern – This line should be at least -12.5 for Sparty.
Duke -5 @ Wake Forest – I BELIEVE IN YOU, GSAUL!
Michigan +6 @ Iowa – Whoa! That can’t possibly be right. I have a feeling that Michigan got a little bit of confidence back after last week’s thrilla.
Minnesota +16.5 vs. Wisconsin - #KILLSTRONG…ride the epileptic lightning!  Bert would have blown this game.
Middle Tennessee State -23 @ Southern Mississippi – Don’t ask questions; just make this bet.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (now 9-2.5 on the year!) NONE! I don’t like either game this weekend (UMass +10 @ CMU and BG -24.5 @ EMU). I might bet the Falcons but I won’t GH it. You already got your winner this week anyway.

Miami +4.5 vs. Carolina – Letdown game for the Panthers. They are due for one of these.
Pittsburgh PK @ Cleveland – Steelers didn’t forget about that loss last year.
New York Jets +3.5 @ Baltimore – God, I hate betting the Jets but it is their week to win so I’ll grab them points. Hey everyone, Mr. Ace is back to .500 (12-12!) with his Hammers of the Week!!! You want some obscure advice? Get a load of this!

#KiltIt last week. Continue to follow me on our journey for money, strippers, and (VEGAN)blow.
NCAA: New Mexico State/FAU OVER 55.5. NMS gives up 46 ppg. FAU has been on a tear, averaging 40 ppg over the last 3 games. NMS has averaged 32 ppg over the last 3. Is there a typhoon scheduled to hit Florida Saturday? Because I have no idea why this line is so low. I would take FAU -22 as well. I like Temple -8 as well, PJ Walker has been killing it lately. System plays are Fuckeyes -34, Ok St +10, and LSU-4.5(Not a big fan of any of these).
NFL: Tampa Bay +9. The NFL is just fucking impossible to bet on right now. Tampa has looked like a good NFL team the last 3 weeks, Detroit barely won against Dallas and Chicago and lost by 10 to Pitt. I will take the points.
Moneyline: Cincy +145 @ Houston. Minny +565.

This weekend also marks a potential division clinch for me in the LFL (already accomplished in the MSFL because I’m great). The only faggots standing in my way are the Rodgers-less Burke and Ide. They gay. Even though half of my normal starting lineup is on a bye this week, I will crush them (hopefully, Breesus Christ got me 30+ last night). By the way, I am considering filing a formal complaint to The Rules Committee, which still exists and always will (fuck your asshole with Shook's Son), because I believe that some owners convinced Doormat Daniel to waiver Bobby Rainey in front of me this week. Dut has done this shit before (with Moden). It’s cool. You two assbutts will be dealt with in time. Somebody better than Rainey will be mine soon enough. And I will secure my third in a row. GO HOOSIERS!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Let Me Tell You Why I Suck

He calls plays by ripping farts.
We’re all aware by now that I only root for losers. I mean, seriously, look at where my loyalties lie. It’s a real Who’s Who of Human Shit. The “best” part of my love for losing is that not only do my favorite teams suck, but they also keep finding ways to suck in the most embarrassing and humiliating ways possible. It is quite extraordinary when you have it all laid out for you. Do I need to cite examples? Why not…this might make you feel better about your life as a sports fan.

New York Yankees – Just watched arch rival win the World Series for the third time in ten years all while our highest paid player is fighting the league over a 211 game suspension; our best player is a free agent trying to get a billion dollar contract; Mariano is no longer around to bail us out
Washington Redskins – Terrible defense, terrible coaching, an offense that forgets for entire halves that they are ELITE at rushing the football, and a QB who refuses to take any blame at all for being bad…also our team name is really racist and our owner is a sack of midget shit
Columbus Blue Jackets – see: “entire team history”
RedHawks Football – quite possibly the worst team in the history of FBS; the attendance on Tuesday night for Senior Night was a robust 45; we set all sorts of records this year for offensive incompetence; fired terrible coach halfway through the season; look at our hideous uniforms; only offensive plays are QB runs; and of course pretty much zero talent outside of the punter (third in the nation!); also SAVE US TRESS!!!

You may have a better history of being a loser fan, but NO ONE can compete with my last calendar year. My winning percentage is about 10% and my ashamed percentage is 100%. It doesn’t help that my sworn enemies seem to be thriving. It’s hard to even care anymore because I’m so used to the worst happening every game. Did I forget to mention the Cavaliers? No, I didn’t, because they are the topic for today. In fact, they might be in the worst shape out of all the teams above. How can I say that when the NBA season is only 15% complete? Easy. The Cavs go into Wednesday night’s home game at 4-7 and they should probably be 1-10 at best. This team sucks. With all the young talent on the roster, you would think that at least they would be fun to watch. Oh, how wrong you would be. The “Mike Brown System” will simply not stand for anything resembling entertainment. Let me get out the old bullet points to explain why I’m nearly giving up on the 2013-14 season.

*We re-hired Mike Brown who brought with him what is considered an all-star coaching staff. So what? Nothing has changed. Mike Brown still sucks. He said throughout camp that they were focusing solely on defense and installing very little offense. Who the fuck coaches like that? Is it any wonder that we can’t score in the half-court AT ALL? They brought Brown back admitting that they never should have fired him. They should fire him again.

*Chris Grant is not nearly as smart as he thinks he is. The Cavs GM really loves to smell his own farts. You can criticize his draft picks all day (and I won’t put up too much of a fight), but the worst thing he has done is to not address the three position in FOUR GODDAMN YEARS. Seriously, we keep trotting out Alonzo fucking Gee at the 3 and the rest of the league keeps laughing. How can you not see this glaring hole? Gordon Gund could see that!

*Anthony Bennett needs some work or at least some burn. If we are going to blow, and all signs point to YES, then give the guy 20 guaranteed minutes and let him go. Limiting him to 12 minutes in which he’s just out there to set screens isn’t doing anyone any good. This is the worst part about hiring Brown back: he is rotten at developing young players. I still think that Bennett can play but they need to turn him loose (like Carl Lee Haley). After all, no other rookie outside of MCW is doing anything (even Simmons’ boy, Oladipo) so I’m not going to call Bennett a bust for at least a few years.

*Anderson Varejao looks like a shell of his former self. I’m sure that this makes Iceman happy but not me. Andy has been a great soldier and leader for this team for a long time and I’m glad that they never traded him. I want him to retire a Cav. But he just looks slow out there so far. Hopefully, it’s just rust but I always prepare for the worst.

*Andrew Bynum is trying, god bless him. He really is but as he said last week, his body just won’t let him be the player that he once was. He can still go in spurts, but not every game. The Cavs should probably look to trade him to a contender in February. Good try, good effort.

*Fatty Windmill reported this past weekend that the Cavs had a contentious players only postgame meeting after getting slaughtered in Minnesota on Friday night. Here’s a fun game of connect the dots: volatile team meeting…Dion Waiters misses next two games with “illness”…Kyrie shows up the next night in DC with a black eye and a mask…no one on the team says a damn thing (and still won’t).

*Dion Waiters beat the shit out of our best player. That’s always good to see happen ten games into a season for a team with playoff aspirations. Then again, Kyrie unloaded on the Wiz that next night so maybe he’s like the one guy in Beerfest and just needs to always have a black eye as a means for motivation. Works for me.

As you can see, this season sucks already. I still feel like there is way too much talent on this roster to be this bad and that eventually they will figure it out (probably too late), but there sure as shit seems like too many square pegs for a moron like Mike Brown to mold into a decent team. I’m not giving up entirely YET, but my interest in the Cavs grows less and less by the day. You can call me a fair weather fan all you want to but I think of it more as “not wasting my time on a loser”. As you can see, I do enough of that already. I BAD. Thank God for fantasy football.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Trent Richardson Is Playing Great

LOL FRAUD LOL!!!
At least that is what he thinks.  Unfortunately, I didn't have a ton of time to produce my usual great stuff today so we're going back to the well that is quickly running dry...the less than stellar play of the former #3 pick.  As we already know, Trent Richardson was traded from the Colts to the Browns for a 1st round pick.  Since that deal, he has done very little for Indy.  So little, that you might say he has done "Greg Little" to help his new team.  Thus, the Browns and their moron fans think that they won the trade.  By how much did they win the deal?  I don't know but my guess is it's close to 2.8 yards.

We already know all of this though.  If you read the comments here (not recommended), then OMG has this been debated ad nauseum (Latin BRAH!).  But this week, it seems like the local media is finally straight up asking T-Rich, "Bro, why you so bad?"  His response was interesting to say the least.

"I'm not frustrated at all because I think I've been playing good," Richardson said, according to The Indianapolis Star. "If you turn on the film, I don't have any missed assignments. I haven't had any missed reads. I've been playing good. Stuff just hasn't matched up like we thought it would when I'm in there. I think teams match up differently when I come in."

"If I don't have big runs because they're trying to stop the run, then I feel like I'm doing my job."

LOL!  Someone photoshop a pic of Richardson in front of that GW Bush "Mission Accomplished" banner.  And you haven't been playing good, Trent, you've been playing well.  Also: you are not playing well.  I don't know--maybe that isn't correct grammar.  I did not have the opportunity to go to Alabama for my book-learnin'.

Basically, I just wanted to point out that for all the shit said about this trade over the past few weeks and how we don't want to admit that the Browns know what they're doing, just know that the likely bust that was dealt sees no fault in his play.  And that is really amusing to me.  COLTS WON THE DEAL!!!

But I'm not going to slam Trent Richardson for his weird self-confidence and optimism. In fact, I want to give him DAP.  I can't believe none of you have mentioned yet that apparently there is a T-Rich sex tape out there somewhere in which he is slamming 3-4 broads who OBVZ have a lot of pride and love their fathers.  What T-Rich lacks in on-field productivity, he makes up for in recorded orgies.  I'm not going to lie...this is intriguing (no homo).  I would watch the shit out of this and so would you.  ADMIT IT!

In conclusion, if this whole football thing doesn't work out, at least Trent Richardson may have a future acting in Dogfart scenes. Again, sorry for the brief post where I keep beating a dead horse but you know how this works by now.  Just comment about whatever you want to discuss.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

College Football Week 12


End of Georgia vs. Auburn or end of black family Extreme Makeover Home Edition?



Big day in the Iceman household tomorrow yesterday!  We finally pick up our new dog Walter (was supposed to be tomorrow when I wrote this.  We were informed we could get him early so we took advantage).  It'll be nice to finally have another man in the house to sit around and do man shit with.  The first order of business...I will teach Walter to make the cat's life a living hell.  That little bitch needs to be knocked down a peg or eleven and I have just the man for the job.  A big, dumb, slobbering, fucking wrecking ball of a lab puppy with the pain tolerance of a tweeker on a 3 day meth binge.  Christ, this is going to be glorious.  Anyway...football stuff.

Cakes was right!  Norfwestern IS a tough out!!  Just kidding...they're fucking rotten and it was a largely pathetic showing once again for Michigan's offense.  The one thing that really stood out for me in this game other than the massive offensive struggle against a zero win Big Ten team, was Brendan Gibbons comments at the end of the game.  He called Drew Dileo the "best holder in the country".  Hmmmm.  Is that so?  I'm just sitting here wondering how in theee fuck you're able to belt that out with such confidence.  What evidence do you have to support that wild claim?  Do you sit in the film room and study the game film of every other holder in the country?  Do you have a holder scouting report you analyze that reveals different holder's tendencies?  Drew Dileo for the Holding Heisman!  Jesus...what a fat turd.  Thanks for helping us win Saturday and fuck you and your short pants for the Penn State loss.

Saturday isn't exactly what Ohio fans had in mind, I'm sure.  As G$ bluntly and correctly texted me Saturday afternoon...FSU would have beat that IlliNOISE team 70-0.  Yes...they would have.  Yes, Cakes...THEY WOULD HAVE.  Sure.  Ohio won and did so convincingly when it was all said and done.  But letting IlliNOISE hang 35 on your ass isn't a good look for a team begging for national respect.  If 10th year Senior Nathan Scheelhaase can orchestrate what happened Saturday, imagine what 2 time National Champion and southern gent A.J. McCarron would do.  But I'm sure we'll see loads of menstruating in the comment section anyway about how no one respects a team that hasn't lost in 2 seasons and how it's a God damn Greek tragedy Ohio isn't ranked higher.  Christ...you guys are a bunch of fuckin women.  I've never seen a fan base bitch so much about their 3rd ranked college football team.  GIVE IT A REST, already.  That paragraph should get you Fuckeyes going today.

This just in:  Baylor jumped Ohio in the AP poll.  This is news because A) LULZ at no one respecting Ohio and for good reason.  B) Drew cares so much about AP rankings since last week he pointed out Wisconsin's AP rank and not their BSC rank while trying to defend Ohio's ass schedule.  And C) This will no doubt produce infinite Cakes tears.

Man.  I'm really starting to feel bad for Aaron Murray.  I take back every last bad thing I said about this guy.  Dude is a fucking warrior and has been really impressive even after losing every receiving weapon this year.  The way Georgia lost to Auburn is the absolute fucking pits and I have zero judgement for what kind of shit MuDawg got himself into Saturday night because of it.  Hope it was a good one, brother.  Even though I really do feel terrible for Murray, watching him violently spike his ball cap into the ground after that 73 yard impossible TD catch was quite hilarious and worth watching over about 20 times.  A+ camera work.  That should be the GIF of the week.

We don't talk a lot of American Athletic Conference here and for good reason.  THEY BAD.  But that catch by J.J. Worton at the end of the UCF/Temple game was about the dirtiest fucking grab I've ever seen.  Peep it.  My favorite part of that clip is the announcer that completely creamed himself at the end,  then was so sexually spent and had nothing to say afterwards.  Top shelf stuff.  UCF ended up barely winning because Temple is one of the worst programs in the country.

Florida State and Jameis Winston absolutely sexually assaulted Syracuse, Saturday!  Ba-da, ting!!  Thank you, thank you.  I'm here all night.  Be sure to tip your waitress.

So apparently New Brunswick is the bullying capital of the nation.  Or maybe Rutgers just excels in recruiting crybaby pussgash athletes that get a little too emotional when a coach yells at them or doesn't play them because they are terrible.  I'm really starting to get fucking sick of this whole "bullying" thing.  Seems like the go-to excuse these days.

Miami says, "We're all done helping you now, Florida State.".  Yeeesh.  Getting schooled by Duke is a pretty wicked reality.  Duke "Silver" Johnson is a great player...but he never played defense.  That's three "L's" in a row for the Canes and at some point you have to stop blaming losses on just one player being out.  I suppose Duke is pretty good this year but at the end of the day it's fucking Duke football and they just roasted you for 48 points, BRAH.  That loss is inexcusable if you want to be taken seriously as a program.

That was it, kids.  That was your blown chance at ROLL DAMN DYNASTY to lose this year.  With that tight one on Saturday, all Mississippi State did was drop a lit M-80 up Bama's shit pipe.  Despite playing their worst and sloppiest offensive game of the season (3 turnovers), SabeyCakes and the boys still pulled off the win and are most likely going to unload on bitches after this wake up call the rest of the way.

That Hogan fella from Stanford has to feel like quite the choad.  Way to throw quite possibly the worst interception in school history to hand USC the win while obliterating your season.  The good news is Stanford didn't play Stanford football on Saturday so I don't anticipate the Cardinal dropping in the rankings at all because of that loss that doesn't count.  I wonder how G$ felt about USC fans storming the field after that one based on his loosely constructed set of arbitrary rules.  Herbie loved it and that's all that really matters, right?

I DONE!  Tons of shit to talk about today as last Saturday shaped up to be pretty entertaining.  But not more entertaining than all the bitching we'll hear from the Fuckeye faithful today.  Who's gonna lead the charge and carry that whiner flag?  One last thing...don't forget to Keep Calm and FUCK YOU CAKES!

Monday, November 18, 2013

The Worst of Week Eleven Vol.IV

The fuck is Private Joker doing here???
I can't believe that I've waited until mid-November to talk about the new TV shows that have debuted this Fall.  Whatever, let's talk about two of them now.  Look, we all love Back To The Future.  If for some reason you don't, move back to Iran, terrorist.  Marty McFly is a national treasure.  Then he started shaking all the time and we felt bad.  Now he's back with The Michael J Fox Show which also stars Marie from Breaking Bad and Bunk from The Wire.  Wow, that must be great!  Unfortunately, though, it's horrible.  I watched the first four episodes, laughed zero times which is not what a comedy strives for, and quit.  It's fucking rotten.  On the other hand, Brooklyn Nine Nine is tremendous (as you would expect coming from Michael Schur) and I also like The Goldbergs.  I didn't pick up any new dramas this year but I'm more than willing to listen to what you all have liked and hated from the new shows this season.  Onto the NFL's worst!

BradyCakes - You tried to call me out on my gambling recommendations AND my call that the Bengals would steamroll the Browns.  You failed miserably.  DO NOT challenge my authority again.  If you can't beat the JV (Iceman), don't step up to the Varsity (me).

The Texas Tornado Kerry Von Erich - ELITE dead 90's wrestler reference!  That was such bullshit that the Bears game was delayed two hours for a tornado warning.  Dick Butkus once played in an apocalypse.  FACT!  Stop delaying games.  Danger makes it better.  Joe Flacco can't pass in ideal conditions so I can't imagine how great he would be in a twister.

The Atlanta Falcons - This might be the worst team in the NFL.  When you get bombed by The Schiano Men (assistant coached by Dave Wannstedt!), that is not good.  I would like to mention that I picked the Falcons, Texans, and Packers to all miss the playoffs this season.  It really makes up for that Skins Super Bowl pick.  Well, maybe not entirely.  NEVER AGAIN.

Geno Smith - Jesus Christ, are the Jets really going to alternate wins and losses all year?  On those even games AKA losses, they don't leave much doubt, do they?  They just straight up get killed and the QB is poop.  Big fan of starting the Jets D in two leagues this week thinking that there is no way that EJ could be good in the wind.  Good call, Aguatto!

Jim Schwartz - That game is on you, pal, and that fucktarded fake field goal decision.  To be fair, the Steelers played really well but to be even fairer, that shouldn't matter.  Grumpy and Jeff just rotisseried Drew and that is a hilarious visual (Jeff has mouth, Grump OBVZ has Drooler brown eye).  I was going to mention Ike Taylor here since he got abused by the best player in football throughout the first half, but he did a much better job in the final 30 minutes.

Outrageous (but not really) claim! - Calvin Johnson is the best player in the NFL.  He is better than everyone else.  No one is that close.  Not even Adrian Peterson or Dallas Clark (Dennis Clark according to Jim Nantz yesterday).

Spencer Lanning - Two blocked punts, BRAH?  The best part about the Browns being the Browns is that now they are sucking their stupid Cakes-y fans into believing in them.  That's awesome.  The Browns are shit.

Andy Dalton - YOU SUCK.  Every fucking idiot with a TV knows that you shouldn't challenge Joe Haden.  I'm just happy that the queen of this site (by default), Tonya, got to watch her Bengals win in person.  Well done, harlot.

Vontaze Burfict - Hilarious Bo Jackson-esque run up the tunnel aside, dude has EIGHT personal foul penalties this season.  That's damn impressive thuggery.

Robert Griffin III - Darrell Green, the greatest Redskin to ever live and always will be, rightfully called out our QB this week for not being a very good leader.  And you know what, he's right.  RG3 has been TERRIBLE this season.  I'm OK with the results because of the knee injury and cap restraints but I am NOT COOL with how we are getting there.  Shitty teams shouldn't be mailing in entire halves.  In short, stop making commercials for anyone with a checkbook and start protecting the football.  That last INT?  THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Mike Shanahan and his staff - The defense is rotten and getting worse every week.  The play-calling is horrendous.  The team never seems to wake up until halftime if they do at all. I'm a Shanahan fan but it's getting harder to say that he deserves another year.  If he gets one Jim Haslett better not.

Random asshole officials - Probably shouldn't be calling Old Silverback Trent Williams a garbage motherfucker.  First of all, Trent is a great player.  Second, his nickname is racist so you know he's tough.

The Eagles - Still bad.  This offense only works against horrible teams like the Redskins and Raiders. I actually hope that they win the East because that would mean the Cowboys don't and they will get slaughtered by the 49ers at home.  I really want to bet against Shit Foles in January.

Aaron Rodgers - I just realized that this commercial whore is probably only going to play against one of the four NFC Least teams.  Guess which one he PWNED?  I was listening to The Mike Lupica Show yesterday morning (don't you judge me!) and some cheesedick called in and GUARANSHEED a Packers win.  LOL DUMB.

Percy Harvin - Pussy Hurtin' made his long-awaited debut against his old team that he hated even though he missed a million games with headaches so whatever.  He did very little.  I am disappoint.

The weather in the Midwest - This seems to happen on one Sunday every year where everything sucks and it seemingly killed all of my fantasy teams.  Not really but it's a nice excuse.

FANTASY! - Not a good week but there are still plenty of guys left to disappoint me.  I need to wrap this up before we lose power (better not). 

The Niners/Saints game isn't over yet but Jimmy BRAH's reaction to that above the neck personal foul penalty was classic BRAH.  And that is a good way to end this post.  Redskins suck.  You've been warned already that they are going to ruin your Monday night next week.  At least Jimmy BRAH will be there.  Stay tuned for tomorrow as Iceman will be running onto the internet one second before posting and executing beautifully like the chunky rapist that he is.

Friday, November 15, 2013

GOTTA SEE IT DIE!!! I mean, LIVE!!!

Tonight, I am making my first appearance inside Nationwide Arena to carry the flag. After last season’s insane sprint to a failed finish, expectations were OBVZ high for these perennial league doormats as the battle moved east. The good thing is that the Metro Division is terrible. The bad news is that we are bringing up the rear in said horrible division. WTF? What is going on here? We were supposed to build on last year; not revert to the same old same old. Brick By Brick and so on and so forth. With the season almost a quarter completed, it’s about time that we flaggers admit that they fooled us again. And that BLOWS. About the only positives of this underachieving season thus far are that Ryans Johansen and Murray look like superstars. Other than that, I’m getting fed up. But before we embark on a western Canadian death march that almost always ends poorly, it is up to me to inspire the un-inspirable and get a big W tonight on home ice against those French Canadian separatist bastards from Montreal. At least I’ll get to hear Leo (LEO!) sing O Canada. Nothing wrong with that. Plus, watching hockey in person is just the best. CARRY IT!

One of these days, I’m going to get around to charting how well my gambling picks have done this year. My guess is that it won’t be pretty. The college football slate this weekend looks pretty poor on paper but hopefully these games will surprise us with some entertainment. As a reminder, these are all recommendations and not locks with the lines coming from Mobile Football Spreads.

Ohio (State) -33 @ Illinois – We all know the reality of the situation and so does UFM3. They’re going for kill shots the rest of the way. I just hope that Nathan Scheelhaase’s old man doesn’t get kicked out of the stadium again tomorrow.
Florida Atlantic -17 @ Southern Mississippi – The Golden Eagles are abysmal.
Michigan +3 @ Northwestern – It’s do or die for both of these programs. The Cats don’t have the kind of defense that would give Michigan fits (a physical one) so I like grabbing them points. WE ON rights the ship while Pat Fitzgerald starts making plans for a golf trip in December.
USC +4 vs. Stanford – Who would have ever thought that a team would get much better once they fired Lane Kiffin? The Trojans have actually been nearly ELITE over the past 6 weeks (outside of the close loss in South Bend). The Cardinal have a letdown and win by a FG in LA.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week #2 (now 7-2.5 so we’re doubling down!) Central Michigan -2.5 @ Western Michigan – The Broncos just lost to Eastern Michigan and you don’t even have to give a full field goal to them. You should be doing the Denard “keep feeding me” gesture toward this line. I also like Akron -7 but not enough to Glory Hole it. Light prediction week for me on the college side but I’ll make up for it with the NFL. Just know that there is no better and more profitable gambling “system” on the planet than my weekly MAC Glory Hole.

Detroit -1 @ Pittsburgh – If the Lions are for real (and I’m leaning that way), then they should have no problem at all winning this game. Think about it: siding with the Steelers means that you believe that their OL will defeat Suh. Not happening, BRAH.
Washington +3 @ Philadelphia – The Eagles are 5-1 on the road this year and 0-4 at home. Bravehearts win by a million while I hang dong on Ape.
Oakland +7.5 @ Houston – The Texans are 2-7. They shouldn’t be more than a touchdown favorite over anyone.
New York Giants -4.5 vs. Green Bay – This line started at a whopping NYG -8. That's a whole pants-load of movement in favor of a third string QB.  The Giants suck but probably less so than Scott Tolzein.
Carolina -1 vs. New England – I love this bet. The Patriots are always OVERRATED and will get bullied on Monday night. Time for our weekly dose of Mr. Ace’s Hammer of the Week which somehow went 2-0 last week (10-12 for the year):

2-0 last week. Keepin it one hunnit.
NCAA: There are actually 3 games that I like this week. If I am just picking one, it is Sparty -6. Sparty is coming off a bye. Nebraska beat a terrible Michigan team. This line should be above 10. The other games I like is SDSU -5(Hawaii is total ass) and Houston +16.5(They should have beat UCF last week). My system play has a huge boner for Baylor -27. The O/U is 85. That's fucking outrageous. (Editor note: SDSU is a lock)
NFL: NYJ +1. Buffalo just lost to Pittsburgh. NYJ just beat the Saints. I know they have rotated W/L this entire year, but they aren't losing to Buffalo.
Moneyline: Houston +540...I know it's unlikely, but those odds are worth a small bet. Louisville isn't THAT much better than Houston.
And here is some Seal jerk off fuel for your weekend...poor wife

That will do it for this week. I’m being told that my in-laws might be coming down on Sunday (but not staying over thank God) as they won’t be stopping by on their trip to Florida this year (YES but I’ll believe it when I see it). It will likely ruin my Sunday NFL watching but that is a small price to pay for not running a free hotel at a later. Plus, MAYBE it sets the tone that they should arrive and leave on the same day all the time. Doubtful. Go Tim Beckman!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

A-Hole of the Week Gets Sexy!!!

Hodor?
We haven’t done as “Asshole of the Week” here in a while which makes sense because I’ve only done it a few times over the years. But this week, we have been presented with some STREMPHy takes from dumb people and we’re going lump them all into one really stupid post. OBVZ, when you have Richie Incognito saying “to call me a racist is just wrong” even though he clearly enjoys screaming slurs at work warrants mention. As does Evan Spencer not understanding anything about everything when he spoke about his desires to “wipe the field” which makes zero sense and isn’t an action that any human being has ever done. Yet somehow, those two geniuses aren’t even close to being in the running for Asshole of the Week. As Peter King would say, WHAT A COUNTRY!

First up is the man that heats up Seal’s loins on a daily basis: John Calipari! Coach Cal usually hauls in the #1 recruiting class by far and has no problem at all taking advantage of the “one and done” kids and that is fine (FYI, Julius Randle is a savage). It works for him. We hate him for it because he TOTES pays those idiots. The Coach of the #1 team in the nation whined earlier this week that his young team playing an experienced team like Sparty “was not fair”. LOLOLOLOLOLOL FUCK YOU! He must watch a lot of Ohio football and feels jealous that he doesn’t get 20 consecutive bye weeks (easy cheap shot!). Let’s also not forget that Cal has a HUGE say in the schedule that his team plays. So him crying publicly about being unprepared is actually an indictment of how bad of a coach he feels that he is. You can’t be the #1 team and then fear other teams, pussy. But that still isn’t as bad as Jesse Palmer.

ESPN college football analyst and realty TV star, Jesse James Palmer, is this week’s Asshole of the Week. On Sunday or Monday, he was doing his usual spot on SportsCenter with the highly underrated Danny Kanell (really like that guy) and the anchor asked them both who should be #3 in the BCS rankings. Kanell said either Baylor or Ohio (I can’t remember) which is fine because that makes sense. Palmer argued that it is Stanford. One loss Stanford. One loss to 4-5 Utah Stanford. When called out on this tomfoolery, Jesse stated (hold on to your butts because this excuse is MAJOR LULZ) that the only reason why the Cardinal lost is because “they didn’t play Stanford football”. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Even the weakest of takes usually makes some sense. This makes none!

Look, we had a nice argument (that I won) on Tuesday afternoon regarding why Florida State is ranked higher (by a lot) than Ohio. We can get back into that again if you want, but just know that if you oppose my point of view, you lose. However, one thing that I won’t stand for are people who want to pump up Stanford after a home win over a team that they usually beat. THEY LOST to a borderline bowl eligible team. You just can’t sweep that under the rug because they pushed around a soft Oregon team a few weeks later. It’s cool, though, we’re supposed to forgive them because they decided to call dumb plays against the Utes which contrasts what makes Stanford “STANFORD”. SO DUMB FOR REAL.

That HOT TAKE is so fundamentally fucktarded that I wouldn’t even expect that from the people who e-mail Peter King (a second PK reference today?) to tell him that they love his column. You know who didn’t lose to a bad team, Jesse Palmer? Ohio and Baylor--who haven’t lost to anyone. Now we all know that I’m not one to stick up for the scarlet and red, but NO ONE should have Stansbury ranked ahead of them. I’d bet that even David Pollack (the dumbest Neanderthal on TV) thinks that this point of view is a bit of a massive reach.

You know who focuses on huge wins and ignores embarrassing losses? Probably Notre Dame fans. I actually don’t know the answer to that question because I don’t like to talk to idiots.

Stanford is a good football team. We all saw that a week ago. But they blew it. It’s over for them. DEAL WITH IT. So congratulations, Jesse Palmer, you are the Asshole of the Week for not being able to figure out that when it comes to football losses in our current BCS system, 0 is better than 1. That degree from Florida is paying off in spades. I never really thought of using that as an excuse for being bad. Let’s see how this sounds:

The RedHawks aren’t even competitive this year because they just aren’t playing RedHawk Football. LOL! Get fucked, Jesse, you handsome devil.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Open Forum: Craft Beer!

I’m not going to lie: I have no idea what constitutes a craft beer. None. And I really don’t care to find out. In my opinion, there is no one in this world worse than a beer snob. Anyone who has ever said something along the lines of “I don’t like it; it’s too hoppy” deserves to do unlimited power sit-ups in Warren Sapp’s crack. To me, a craft beer has two traits: a ridiculous price tag and the ability to not be chugged. I know that we have talked about beer here before but we’re going to do it again because beer is great and fuck you I will run this site how I damn well please.

The reason for this topic hit me over the last week when pictures were popping up all over the internet of people buying up Great Lakes Christmas Ale from local stores because it has arrived on the shelves. I like Christmas Ale myself, but I don’t love it (it is way better out of the tap than it is a bottle). Yet there are people around here who will burn down ten orphanages to get their hands on a 12 pack (for $25!). But I was walking the dog on Saturday morning and I developed a taste for it. This was at 10 AM, mind you, but whatever. At least I didn’t get the shakes. So on the way back from the park, I made the dog sit in the car while I went on a beer run and got myself some of that sweet Great Lakes holiday cheer. He didn’t seem to mind because a drunk dad is a happy dad. And I stayed home Saturday night, flipping back and forth between the Jackets beating the Islanders and the Double OT Sixers/Cavs classic, just savoring the flavor of the season out of my NY Rangers in pint glass (whatever, we’re pretty much the same team). It was delicious. I regret nothing.

I do “home drinking” maybe five times a year. You would think that a person with as many personal demons as I have would be pounding beers nightly. That is not the case though. But now that I have good beer in the house (and the belated birthday present from my sister of a giant bottle of Grey Goose coming this weekend), that could all change.

Kind of unrelated, but while in Dallas, I wanted to act like a true Texan (which was kind of impossible due to being educated past fifth grade) and I ordered a Lone Star (just like Tim Riggins drinks! TEXAS FOREVER!). It was the worst. It nearly ruined my morning ribs. Lone Star tastes like if Larry Hagman pissed in a bottle of Maumee River water. I know from experience, dude. Anyway…

Now that the weather is changing and the sweaters and wool coats are coming back (BOO!), that usually means that the watery piss beers are going to hibernate for a while. Summer is for chugging. The winter? Not so much—more of a sipping season filled with rich flavor. I’ll put it another way, you aren’t showing up to Thanksgiving pounding Coors Light (or “COURCE LIGHT” if you are Magnus ver Magnusson) unless you are a goddamn savage. Grow up already. With the holidays approaching, it is a time to showcase the sophisticated beer-drinking side that hides inside all of us. I’m always open to recommendations when it comes to good beer. Personally, I just like a heavier beer this time of year. I’m sure that every doctor in the world would say that “YOU SO DUMB FO REAL” for thinking like that but fuck them. What do they know?

I’ll always enjoy a good Christmas Ale (and all other Great Lakes products). Bell’s out of Kalamazoo and New Belgium know how to brew. I don’t care much for IPAs though. But I have no problem at all taking advice from any of you weirdos when it comes to something new that I may have never known existed before today. So let’s share some good craft beer talk that way we can go back to our families and office holiday parties looking like professionals and not amateurs. As moronic meatheads would say…CHEERS!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

College Football Week 11


"Guess what guys?  I'm still hot as shit...she's okay too, I guess."




I have sad news to report.  It appears J-Rupe has erased his Facebook.  I discovered this horror this past Saturday in an attempt to prove to Damman that he and Rupe are, in fact, Ohio Buckeye anus partners together.  Let's observe a moment of silence for the passing of J-Rupe's Facebook page.  RIP Henry County Hospital Check ins and middle finger selfies.  You will be missed.  Now onto what seems to be less important issues on this heavy day.

Well that was a pretty hilarious game by Michigan.  Plus two turnover margin and they still manage to blow it.  Super.  I only got to watch the second half but that's all my eyeballs could handle anyway.  My two favorite play calls in the second half had to be negative 2 yard tail back dive and the take an 8 yard sack play.  Easily the two most effective plays we ran Saturday.  With fucking precision, I might add.   Damman was so cute afterwards.  Texting me and attempting to troll me on a team I've said multiple times is not good.  Nice try, loser.  At what point does Hoke toss Sugar Shane Morris in there so we can see what the future looks like?  He can't be any worse than Gardner.  Oh...and Ace?  YOU WRONG about Gardner.  Dude SUX.

Ron English hates faggots!  Never forget that.  But in Ron's defense, Eastern Michigan does play like a bunch of homos.  Don't hate the man for dropping truth bombs all up in Ypsilanti.  I love how the University used his anti-gay tirade as an excuse to fire him and not the 11-46 record he's compiled over the last 5 years.  That's so Eastern Michigan of them.  The absolute best part of this story is that the woman who fired him is Heather Lyke.  Rhymes with dyke.  How fucking perfect is that?  And who's the faggot who recorded him and leaked it?  He must have hated English more than English hates queers.

Man.  Florida blows.  Wasn't this Muschamp fella supposed to be the cat's ass?  I haven't seen it so far.  They just let The Vanderbilt Jay Catlers come into town and hang nuts on them.  That was Vandy's first road win against Florida since 1945.  That was back when a concussion was called a headache and cigarettes were rolled into shirt sleeves.  So Brandon Weeden's freshman year of college.  Embarrassing.

The hottest team in the Big Ten is.....MINNESOTA??  WUT?!  The Golden Jerry Kills have been rolling bitches since Jerry had his 15th sideline seizure.  It's a very LULZ year for the Big 10 when Minnesota could end up as the 3rd best team in the conference.  How the fuck did Michigan destroy these guys?  'Sota should feel pretty dumb right about now.  UPDATE:  Northwestern just lost to their bye week 17-14.  But they're TOTES a tough out, you guys.

Hey!  Notre Dame is back in the top 25!  Oops...not anymore.  Whatever.  Nobody cares anyway.  This whole paragraph about the Irish is as exciting as Fresno State being ranked #16.  But the Bulldogs should still be in the National Title conversation, right Cakes?  THEY'RE UNDEFEATED, MAN!!!

The Virginia Tech Fake Necks delivered a knock out punch to Miami Saturday.  The Canes really missed Duke "Silver" Johnson in this one but honestly I'm not sure if it would have mattered.  Virginia Tech's GRITTY special teams play was the difference in this one.  There's only two coaches I know that get super chubbed up about special teams.  One lives in Napoleon and throws his hat into the mud while screaming "Dag Nabbit!" and the other has a fake rubber neck and just beat the piss out of Miami.  Special teams DOES matter, dammit!  IT WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS!!

So Florida State isn't losing for the rest of the year.  They're gonna fuckin roast whoever is "lucky" enough to play them in the ACC championship game, too.  But for today, that was a pretty assey game from Jameis Winston despite the dick mashing FSU put on Wake Forest.  He should still be one of the favorites to take home the most over hyped award of all sports.

Ho Hum.  Nothing to see here.  Just another stud running back at Alabama.  Kenyan Drake is a filthy motherfucker.  His jukes will turn you fuckin rotten on the inside and out.  ROLL DAMN TOTESBEATABLE just keeps pumping out these studs.  A God Damn embarrassment of riches, I tells ya.

Speaking of ROLL DAMN CAKESWANTSBAMA...
BLOWWWWWWWWWOUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!  Cakes and Damman using the word "Geaux" in their Facebook statuses Saturday night was some of douchiest shit I've ever seen.  Queers.  Both of you drink toilet water with Lester and the gang.  But keep thinking that ROLL DAMN FUCKYOUCAKES is going to lose at some point.  Bama and FSU will play for the title this year so just accept it and move on already.  Both teams are better than Ohio anyway.  My first favorite part of this game was Mettenberger's sideline meltdown late 3rd/early 4th quarter after getting stopped on 4th down in the red zone.  Televised tantrums are absolutely tremendous moments in sports.  My second favorite part of that game was this:

 

The fuck?!  Congrats on capitalizing on your 15 minutes of fame, weirdo.  And good luck getting laid wearing your hat like that.  This isn't the 80's, ya fuckin dork.

That's it for today.  Not much happened outside of the Hurricanes choking away that 11 ranking and Alabama showing the entire country how vulnerable and beatable they are.  I can't believe how lucky this Bama team is getting!  Oh...and Michigan also getting outplayed and out coached by a guy who has a brother with a massive hard narcotics addiction.  That happened, too.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!

Monday, November 11, 2013

The Worst of Week Ten Vol.VII

DEAL WITH IT, Prime!
There will be time to talk about how shitty WE ON is tomorrow, but you all want to officially know who won the headphones contest from Friday, don't you?  If you recall, Prime picked Gallon with 1 yard and demanded not to get Price Is Righted by anyone.  Saturday morning, from his honeymoon, Seal did just that!  By picking Nebraska and Gallon 2 yards (he had 49), Troll Genius Seal wins!  Prime was less than pleased as he sent some Incognito-esque texts to me on Saturday night.  But fuck that guy, he was too slow and got outsmarted by a Cleveland sports fan!  Well done, Sealbert, email me your address and I will send you your wedding present (they are excellent for drowning out wives which you will now need).  NFL worsts?  Why not?

Richie Incognito - This "honorary black guy" gave an interview with The Glaze on Sunday and it was so hilarious.  This guy is a sociopath.  I wouldn't call him a liar because he probably believes that he is a good person.  And can we please not put Brian Hartline on TV anymore?  I'm surprised he can even speak while chomping on Grumpy's red oak with those beaver teeth of his.

Arian Foster - Nice year.  Eat red meat and you wouldn't need a backiotomy.  I would feel bad for Foster fantasy owners but they should have seen this coming and it has to be somewhat of a relief to know for sure that he's done instead of constantly hoping that Foster would stop being a gash.

Mike Tomlin and Todd Haley - Uh oh, the battle lines have been drawn.  Big Ben is apparently going to ask for a trade after this season (he should).  The Rooneys need to do what they've never done and clean house of that awful coaching staff.  They have let this get out of control.  You can say that they haven't drafted well and maybe that is true but this coaching staff isn't developing anything.  Get them out.  I'll tell you what: if Big Ben is on the open market, that is the story of the offseason.  Although, to be fair, that's kind of a dick move since the organization stood by him during his darkest hours.  But whatever, fuck this team.  Loving the implosion!

White Supremacist Packers Fans - Yesterday marked the first time in franchise history that GB started a black dude at QB.  That is a lie, of course, because we all know that Don Majkowski was a half n*****.  I am writing this portion at 1:30 so I don't know if it will happen but I want it to.  Will Packer fans scream COOOOOOON if Seneca completes a pass to John Kuhn?  Best sub-plot of the day!

The Atlanta Falcons - Are terrible.  Moving on.

Jay Catler - It was pretty obvious to me that he shouldn't have been out there.  I don't get it.  The team looked ELITE with McCown on Monday night and then 6 days later they go back to the starter who was supposed to miss two more weeks?  And when The Cat couldn't finish the game then he probably should not have started it.  At least GSaul got to watch his Lions win in person.  DOIN' WORK DOGGIE!

Terry Bradshaw - I don't like to use this word a lot because it's not too cool, but Terry Bradshaw is a retard.  On the pregame show, he hillbillied that if he could choose one QB in the NFL, he would take Fat Stafford.  LOLWUT?  He's good, no doubt, but NO ONE is taking Discount Double Chin #1 in some weird scenario where Terry Bradshaw is asked to build a team from the ground up.

Mike Munchak - Oh, you're fired, bro.  Jacksonville has lost 20 of 22 games and those 2 wins are against the Titans.  Well done. 

Trent Richardson - 5 carries for 2 yards!  HE'S DUE TO BREAK OUT!!!  What the fuck happened to the Colts?  Did they forget about ChuckStrong?  It was nice to see Tavon Austin actually contribute.  Where was this all season, jerk?

Andy Dalton - I'm ignoring the Pryor/ELITE DERPfest because it was a shitty game.  I do want to talk about the Bengals.  These assholes need to stop underachieving.  Dalton is just a bad QB.  He really is.  And Jay Gruden's play-calling is such butt.  The Bengals just don't do the small things right which leads to big negative things.  Don't get your hopes up though, Browns fans, because they're going to kill you next week.

Marvin Lewis - He's just a moron when the tension rises.  You can always count on Marvin to lose a challenge, be unnecessarily aggressive when it isn't needed, or not veto a stupid swing pass call on 4th and 2.  KICK THE FIELD GOAL, IDIOT.  Seriously, how do you send a game into overtime on a miracle hail mary (how is no one standing near AJ Green?) and then lose?  Everything that we know about momentum says that they should have won that game.  Whatever, they didn't deserve to win anyway.

Nick Foles - Still sucks.  Don't buy into this OBVZ fluke.  (watches him throw 5 TD passes against the Skins on Sunday)

Colin T. Kaepernick - I thought I heard that he had less than 70 yards passing.  ELITE!  I finally have figured out the Panthers...they are a playoff team because that defense is incredible.  They host the Patriots on Monday Night next week.  That is quite the step up in competition and talent from tonight.

Wade Phillips - I kind of forgot that he was the interim head coach.  If I would have remembered that, I would've bet the Cards big because Wade is a loser.  Also, Rashard Mendenhall is a terrible football player.

Wes Welker - Go figure that the week I trade for you, you do nothing.  Go where some Depends, honky.

FANTASY! - A decent night from Breesus will lead me to a win over the Duts in the G$FL.  I destroyed MSFL newbie, Nate, and showed him how a real man plays a fantasy sport.  That will teach you to not have your team initials as TWIX as they should be.  And I'm going to win my 7th in a row in the D/LFL because I'm the best.  Lost my OTHER LEAGUE like usual because I'm 1-9 even though I have the 6th most points in the league.  Sometimes, fantasy football is a real shit weasel.

That will do it for the NFL recap this week.  I am not ashamed to admit that I can't wait for tonight's Dolphins/Bucs game.  It's going to be a delightful train wreck of awful human beings.  What a nice way to celebrate Veterans Day.  Hey, past and present military personnel, enjoy this piece of shit!

Friday, November 08, 2013

Open Forum: Sports Last Night + A Giveaway!

Never forget.
I’m not messing around with any of my usual ELITE intros today. We’re all just going to talk about Baylor, Oregon, the CBJ, and the Bravehearts anyway. In lieu of a dynamite opener, how about A CONTEST (not like The Contest from Seinfeld either because none of us would make it through this post)?

Last year about this time, the fine people at Sol Republic sent me a pair of sick headphones to give away. Iceman won the contest which was something about the MAC Championship game. I hope that he likes them because they are pretty awesome for drowning out the lawn mower and, more importantly, the wife. Well, they gave me another pair to give away this year. Here is the promo for what you can win:

SOL REPUBLIC Tracks: A total steal at only $99, our virtually indestructible (they bend all the way backwards, frontwards and every which direction!) on-ear Tracks headphones start at $99 and deliver incredible sound quality at a great value. Perfect for all those seeking to spend $100 and under on a gift.

If you don’t think that you need or want headphones, bro, Christmas is coming up and I’m sure that you know someone who could use $100 headphones (that you spent nothing on). Feel free to check out some of Sol’s other products here, here, or maybe even here. How do you win?

Let’s see…Nebraska is at Michigan tomorrow so if you want the headphones from this fine site, all you have to do is nail the line:
1. Nebraska +7 or Michigan -7
2. Then nail the tie-breaker: Total yards by Jeremy Gallon (can not go over) That’s it. Post in the comments and I’ll announce the winner on Monday.

I had a nice and profitable weekend last week and I would like to keep it going. As a reminder, I don’t bet all of what I list here but they are numbers that look intriguing on Thursday morning.
Iowa -15 @ Purdue – This opened at -16.5 and is down to -15. I have no idea why. Is Drew Brees playing this week?
Minnesota -2.5 vs. Penn State – I am ALL IN on #KILLSTRONG
BYU +7.5 @ Wisconsin – I find this to be the most interesting game tomorrow (yes, even more so than ROLL DAMN TIDE vs. Toilet Chug). BYU is rolling right now. I’ll take those points all day.
Texas -6.5 @ West Virginia – The last I checked, Texas has their shit relatively together and WV is awful.
Notre Dame -4 @ Pittsburgh – As Drooler said that other day, Pitt interviewed FagNasty Fickell once so you know that they’re dumb and bad. I’m shocked that this line isn’t a touchdown plus.
Houston +11 @ Central Florida – This is a real nice game in a conference that no one cares about now that Louisville lost. This should be closer than Lee Corso’s experts think.

Tampa Bay +1 vs. Miami – This is my lock of the century. The Schiano Men vs. The Half N******! The winless Bucs get their first win.
Carolina +7 @ San Francisco – I don’t know if I buy the Panthers but their defense is great and should keep this one close.
Cincinnati PK @ Baltimore – We all saw last week that the Ravens are horrible.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (6-2!!!) Western Michigan -2.5 @ Eastern Michigan – Unfortunately, this is the only MACtion of the weekend and, by rule, I have to make a pick. I would never pick Ron English unless I owned a cotton farm (no offense...count it). What’s Mr. Ace got for us?

Mr. Ace’s Hammers of the Week (now at 8-12 on the season!)
Making rookies pay for your ski trip? Richie Incognito is awfully niggardly.
NCAA: Auburn -7. I understand that Tennessee plays better at home, but that doesn't take away the fact that Mizzou and Bama outscored them 76-13 the last two weeks. Tennessee also happens to be down to their 3rd string QB.
NFL: Broncos -6.5(-120). A little extra vig on this one, but it's worth it. Broncos are coming off a bye and have had time to get ready for life without John Fox's heart valve. I don't believe in San Diego. Neither should you.
Moneyline: Tulane +255. I know G$ loves what UTSA is selling, but Tulane is the better team. I like Houston +335 as well.

That will do it for this week. There should be plenty to discuss today (the Hearts better not have fucking lost last night) AND I’m being generous. It doesn’t get much better than this.

Thursday, November 07, 2013

The Money Shot Plays "Just The Tip-Off"

I ON!
Every year about this time, you’re just sitting in your recliner every night and enjoying some MACtion and then it’s like “HOLY SHIT, college basketball starts this week”. This is that week and it always sneaks up on us unless you live in Kentucky or North Carolina. I didn’t even realize until the other day that The Other John Cooper opens his season on Friday night at Notre Dame. I hope to “holy hell” that none of our guys get murdered by Brian Kelly while in South Bend. He has yet to fulfill his yearly quota (I’m going to count Lennay Kukua for his tally because LOL that’s three now!). A week or so ago, Old Sealford asked when we were going to get a college basketball preview. How about today to give us a distraction before we get bogged down with ELITE college football (go undefeated teams!), Bravehearts football (MUST WIN), and Rick Nash’s homecoming happening this evening (we fucking suck again!)?

First things first, I know very little about college basketball at this moment (as usual at this time of year). I’m basically just going to look at the preseason top 25 and give some cold takes. Last year, I invited Drooler and Seal to the battlefield as a means to teach us all something. NEVER AGAIN since both of them had their seasons ended by mid to low majors last year. They can throw shade at each other in the comments like normal. This should be fun and uninformative but at least you’re opening your mind up.

*The preseason All-Americans are Doug McDermott, Andrew Wiggins, Russ Smiff, Marcus Smart, and Mitch McGary. This is a pretty damn good group and I have no complaints with the five. But, then again, how fair is it to put McDermott as a first teamer when he’s been playing college basketball since 1974? Dude has been at Creighton FOREVER. Wiggins has everything you want in a player, yet I get the feeling that he won’t live up to our impossibly high expectations. I think that Jabari Parker (pretty sure that is his name) will have a better one-and-done season for Coach Devil Rat. MITCH MCGARY!!! Hoffman and Ross Durham’s son should dominate the paint throughout the Midwest. He got off to a backboard-breakingly slow start but his March run was fairly ELITE. Marcus Smart is the best player in country. FACT.

*Kentucky is #1 in both polls to start the season. This feels like a mistake. This is the same group (not really) that took all of their talent to Robert Morris and lost in the NIT last year. I’m sure that they will be better than last year but I would not be betting on them to cut down the nets. Hopefully, Seal can give us more info on this illiterate bunch.

*Sparty is #2, WE ON is #7, and Ohio is #11. I’m a huge fan of Gary Harris and always will be. Michigan sure did lose a lot to warrant this high of a ranking. Ohio is going to struggle to score in my personal opinion. If you expect Moron Ross to replicate what Buckets gave the team, you’ve got another thing coming. But Thad should have these homos playing insane defense. All three of these teams should be top ten for most of the year.

*Aaron Craft pulled a Johnny Diebs and got engaged while in college. WHITE PEOPLE BE DUMB. They’re probably marrying each other because faggots. In what will be the least surprising event of the year, Craft will do his usual rape defense and actually penetrate Spike Albrecht. OBVZ on purpose.

*Oklahoma State will win the Big 12 over favorite Kansas. Smart is a stud. I’ll also pick them for the Final Four with Sparty, Duke, and VCU (got to throw in a surprise). Izzo reigns supreme at the end.

*#11 Florida is the most OVERRATED team because Billy Widow’s Peak has already suspended half of his goddamn team. Bunch of Urban Meyer guys!

*Indiana isn’t ranked? Wow, I know that they lost a lot but Yogi and Sheehy along with a monster recruiting class should be enough for a top 25 spot ahead of shitball teams like Virginia and shitheads like new UCLA coach Steve Alford. Even without being ranked, I’m sure that Crean Pie will find a way to underachieve.

Uh yeah, that might be all that I have to say on this. Today’s topic is definitely going to be commenter driven due to my ignorance. I apologize for the rare lack of intelligence and insight that I’m famous for. Fortunately, you don’t deserve better. As the great Bo Ryan would say, DEAL WITH IT.