Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Money Shot's Annual NBA Preview

Iceman say what?
As you most definitely already know, we are a few days late with Iceman and I’s annual NBA Preview Post. Fear not, you rabid hoops fans, because here it is. I’m not going to spend a lot of words on the intro because this bitch is long enough already. The only thing that I wanted to mention before we start is that everything about Lamar Odom’s life is just the best. You deserve to be addicted to crack when you marry a wookie. I’m not rooting for Odom’s life to end but I am hoping that he hasn’t hit rock bottom yet. Now then, let’s tip this beauty off.

Most OVERRATED team - (Ice) Easiest question I'll answer all day...Brooklyn. When you raid Boston's Depends closet in order to try and build a title contender, you're going to lose and with some God Damn flair. I would say this team misses the playoffs but the East is just too shitty. So they'll probably get in but expect them to lose first round. Hopefully in a sweep.
($) Oklahoma City.  Yeah, I said it.  They have no DEPF outside of Durant, Ibaka, and a gimpy Westbrook.  Let's not forget that Scott Brooks kind of sucks.  It's sad but I think that Durant might already have a foot out the door in OKC.  Their window is closed.  James Harden slammed it shut on the way out.  Yeah, they may make the West Finals, but I just don't see the Thunder as a legit title contender anymore.

Most underrated team - (Ice) Dallas. The Mavericks barely missed the playoffs last year and did most of it without Dirk, who missed half the season. They lost Orange Juice Mayonnaise to the Bucks but added Jose Calderon and Monta Ellis. Two very solid players. Plus Shawn Marion and his weirdo fuckin girl shot can still produce. The only negative is Black Frankenstein, a.k.a. Samuel Dalembert, appears to be the starting center. Despite the grossness of that, Dallas should be back in the playoffs this year with a healthy Dirk Nowitzki.
($) New Orleans.  First of all, Dallas is trash.  Monta Ellis has never played on a team who won more than 4 games.  He plays loser-ball.  I like the Pelicans.  They have an interesting lineup.  They fleeced Philly for Jrue Holiday and have Unibrow, Ryan Anderson, Tyreke (not a big fan), and hopefully a healthy Eric Gordon.  That's a legit lineup.

Most OVERRATED offseason move - (Ice) In order to avoid redundancy, I will avoid Brooklyn's hilarious move to get "better". Instead I will say Andrew Bynum to the Cavs. I get that Cleveland signed him for dumpster scraps. I also get that they protected themselves with the deal. But that now gives Cleveland TWO centers that can't stay on the floor. Did getting Bynum make them any better? I'm not sure it did since most likely by the All-Star break they'll be starting Tyler Zeller's huge nose in the middle. I just don't trust Bynum's body and Varejao's gayness.
($) Dwight Howard.  He's a cancer.  That is Harden's team and he is going to act like an alpha dog anyway.  Houston is absolutely not a title contender.

Most underrated offseason move - (Ice) Without question it's Paul Millsap to the Hawks. Millsap is the fucking trash man and just cleans glass for 40 minutes. Dude can score too and proved it in a very crowded Utah front court last year. Millsap is a helluva nice player has been pretty invisible for most of his career because I think they have about 7 TV channels in the entire state of Utah and they play re-runs of Sister Wives on 6 of them. Look for Millsap to have his best year of an already really good career.
($) JJ Redick and Jared Dudley.  The big knock on the Clippers last year, outside of Vinny Del Negro being an idiot, was that they had no three point shooters other than the criminally insane Matt Barnes.  Problem fucking solved now.  Redick and Dudley are too damn good role players that will space the floor better and make Paul and Griffin even better.  Plus, the less touches for Deandre Jordan, the better.

Breakout Player: (Ice) Homer pick and Drooler boner alert! Andre Drummond. The ONLY reason I'm putting him here is because now that Larry Franks is out of Detroit, I'm assuming Mo Cheeks, Mo Problems is going to be smart enough to play Drummond at least 30 minutes a game. Something dickless Franks should have been doing instead of getting into public slap fights with Rodney Stuckey every 2 weeks. If, and when, Drummond plays starters minutes, he is going to be a fucking animal. He's been tearing up assholes in the preseason and watching him get better every day mystifies me as to how he dropped to the Pistons at the 8th spot.
($) Chandler Parsons. The Rockets are going to be on national TV a ton this year which will give Joe The Plumber the chance to see that Parsons is just as valuable to Houston as their "Subpar-man".  Plus, he's white and has TV Guide's sent to his apartment addressed to Ms. Chanandler Parsons.

MVP - (Ice) It can't possibly go to Lebron again, right? RIGHT?! One of these days Kevin Durant is going to find a way to win it over Lebron. He's just too God damn good not to. And I think this is that year. Kevin Durant takes it home in a close one.
($) Since Spike Albrecht is still in college, I guess I'll give it to LeBron before he comes back home like a good boy.

Rookie of the Year - (Ice) Victor Oladipo. I think just by sheer volume of minutes he's going to get and overall lack of talent on the Magic, he has a clear advantage over everyone else.
($) Cody Zeller.  I was going to pick Trey Burke Sucks because this award seems to always skew toward PGs, but I'll go with the other Crean Pie product instead.  I mean, Michael Jordan wouldn't draft a turd, would he?

Worst team in the league is - (Ice) The Phoenix Suns. I flirted with going with Orlando for the second year in a row but since the Suns didn't improve their already ass roster from last year, they get this dubious award. And no...Eric Bledsoe is not an improvement. Not sure where all these Bledsoe boners are coming from. Cue Seal sprinting to defend the honor of Eric Bledsoe.
($) Philadelphia 76ers.  Phoenix is an inspired choice but I feel like they are too dumb to properly tank.  They'll actually be stupid and play hard.  The Sixers no what's at stake, BRAH, and they are more than happy to flush 82 games down the shitter for Maple Jordan.

Fantasy Sleeper is - (Ice) Derrick Favors. There were far too many mouths to feed in Utah's front court last year and Favors appeared to be the runt averaging 9 and 7 while logging only 23 minutes a game. Now two of those fat little pigs have moved on to different teams and Favors hasn't wasted any time kicking ass. Imagine what 9 and 7 would be extrapolated to over 30 plus minutes a game. You're welcome.
($) Evan Turner.  He's a pretty good all-around player and somebody has to put up stats for this team.  I'll say that old Uncle Tom puts up a nice statistical season before he walks out the door when his contract runs out.

East winners - (Ice) Heat. It will always be the Heat until Lebron leaves.
($) Knicks.  LOL J/K they blow.  Fuck it, I'm picking the Bulls to win the East because I want LeBron to leave now.

West winners - (Ice) This qualifies as a bold prediction as well. With the Thunder banged up and starting Kendrick Perkins on purpose and the Spurs old and dumb I'm gonna roll the dice and say the Rockets. What the fuck...get nuts, right?
($) The Los Angeles Clippers.  You may think that Doc Rivers is OVERRATED, but you can't deny that he's a massive upgrade on the bench.  I already mentioned Redick and Dudley, but the Clips also signed THEE BYRON JAMES MULLENS AKA Triple Threat.  This team has no holes!  I was going to pick the Warriors but Andrew Bogut looks like a guy I know and that guy is a total faggot.

Champs - (Ice) Heat 3 peat.
($) Bulls by default.  This world was not designed to handle an LA Clippers championship.

(Ice) Now onto the Pistons. As you remember last year I boldly picked them to make the playoffs and win at least a series. Yeah...that was pretty dumb. Well it's playoffs or bust for Detroit this year with that off season overhaul and Dumars better be praying every single fucking day that it works out or HE GONE! As long as they stay healthy it should be relatively easy to do. But there's enough talent on this team to be at least the 6th seed in the East...and that's about where I expect them to be.
($) Now onto the Cavs.  I'm just like every other expert out there...I have no fucking clue what to expect from this team.  There is no doubt that they have a ton of young talent but I have no idea if it is ready to win.  Kyrie is great but I think that he's a little OVERRATED.  I think that Mike Brown Pt. 2 is an upgrade on the bench. These idiots need to learn how to play defense.  And I think that they will.  I've seen us ranked anywhere from a 5 seed to just missing the playoffs.  OBVZ this should be an interesting year but I'm going to play it close to the vest.  The Cavs miss the playoffs again and win something like 38 games.

Iceman picked his and Kid Rock’s Pistons to make the playoffs again! This year he has them being even better! Can’t wait to see how it shakes out! As a reminder, he has Heat over Rockets (man, that would be awful) and I picked the Bulls over the Clippers (nice opening night loss to the no-name Lakers, Doc!). But really the only things to concern yourself with during this upcoming NBA season are LeBron’s desire to come back home (a guarantee!) and Austin Carr’s continued excellence on the microphone. IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED THEN THROW THE HAM-MA DOWN!!!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Because Every Coaching Search Should End in a Kick

Well, this is certainly revolting.
It’s been a tough year on the college football front for this internet stalwart and his octogenarian bark fucker, Grumpy (along with the Dawg). It is pretty much all but guaranteed that my RedHawks are going to complete the ELITE 0-12 season. The best day of the year was when we fired our dipshit coach and lard-ass OC but the results are still brutal. But at least there is hope now and that all rests on who the new coach will be. I know what you’re thinking, “Is he really giving an entire post to the Miami Football coaching search?” As those old Bud Light ads used to say…YES I AM. Count it.

A few days after Treadwell got sent to Hell, there were a few national writers Tweeting things along the lines of “hearing that Miami is shooting for the moon”. Hey! I like hearing that! I’ve heard names from Ron Zook (alum) to Tom Herman to Eric Taylor (my suggestion because he won state titles with Dillon AND East Dillon!). But the new rumor surfacing this past weekend about blew my dick off.

On Cleveland's major radio station 1100AM, one of the Indians reporters (Nick Camino) said that he believes Jim Tressel will be coaching next year at Miami. Dustin Fox (who played at OSU) and is on the FM sports radio station says he talked to Tressel and it isn't true.

Let’s ignore Dut Fox because I don’t like it when white DBs try to squash hot gossip and because it isn’t like Tressel is known for telling the truth anyway. Jim Tressel to Miami University? Whoa! That’s a lot to process right there. That certainly would qualify as “shooting for the moon”. I don’t even know where to begin with this because I’m still not sure how I feel about it. So many conflicting emotions! SHIT = CRAY!

OK, I truly believe that JT wants to coach again. I don’t think that he is a bad guy, per se, just that he made some horrible mistakes and attached himself to really bad people because his ego got massive. Basically, he thought that if he could win another title in Columbus, that the ends justified the means. It OBVZ blew up in his face at the end but at least he didn’t have to fire Gordon Gee over it (fucking idiot). He got his punishment and has stayed out of the limelight for the most part. But I believe that he wants another chance to do it right and go out on his own terms when he is ready and can rebuild his reputation to where it once was. That all makes sense.

I don’t think that he is going to get any BCS offers any time soon. While no one on the planet actually understands the show cause penalty and punishment, from what we do know, he still will have two years left of that which may put the program that hires him on probation as well, he would be suspended for the first five games of the next two seasons, and he would not be able to coach in any postseason games. That’s what I’m hearing is what would happen if he takes a job this Winter. And that is damn stiff. No “win-now” BCS school is touching that. So it would make sense for Tressel to look at a smaller school, right? There is only going to be one opening in his home state this year (unless Clawson leaves BG) so it does make more sense why there would be mutual interest from both the man and the school.

I think that this would be a really good fit actually. There isn’t a ton of pressure with this job although I demand national titles yearly. He has very small shoes to fill. He has coached in Oxford before. At 0-12, we can kind of afford to have a coach eat some suspension time while building something (hopefully) great. At 61, Tressel would still have 8-10 more years of coaching left (in my opinion). And hell, at least in the MAC he wouldn’t have to troll the projects looking for characters who get him in trouble. Nevermind, I’m all-in on #TeamTressHawk. This would be a grand slam hire. Anyone else would be a disappointment.

Who knows, this could all be bullshit and some asshole named Dut could be right. But I want to believe. Actually, this feels exactly like a hire that our new, very impressive AD would try to make. I once hated JT but I’m pretty sure that I hate going 0-12 a hell of a lot more and am willing to set aside my displeasure to actually win football games. We need to get our credibility and pride back. We apparently have the opportunity to bring a national championship-winning coach (who would be highly motivated to repair his image) to Oxford. I see no downside here…unless he learned nothing from his past crimes.

Jim Tressel and Miami University…let’s turn this rumor into a FACT and get back to dominating America’s most entertaining conference. Definitely an interesting topic to chew on…should be a good commenting day. The only thing that worries is me how all of our preppies are going to be able to tie J. Crew red sweater vests around their shoulders. IMPOSSIBLE!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

College Football Week 9


ELITE



Halloween is rad as shit and if you don't agree then FUCK YOU!  I dress up every year because I consistently come up with the best outfits.  FACT as you can see from the picture above.  Our annual Halloween celebraish went slightly better than last year...because I didn't get kicked out of any bars.  Dublin can suck my balls with all their domesticated "rules" and shit.  The blue meth you see in this picture is actually alcoholic meth.  We had chicken from Los Pollos Hermanos, beaker shot glasses and even pizza from Venezia's.  It was quite the production.  So now that you all know that I'm the fucking best at Halloween, let's talk football and how Ohio is a bunch of school yard bullies.

Glad Michigan was off Saturday so I could actually enjoy the day and not have to worry what new second rate shithouse team would take us to the limit.  I wonder if Devin Gardner's turnover problem was magically solved during the off week.  Probably, right?  Right.

So Ohio kicked the shit out of Penn State.  As much as Cakes wants me to punch holes in this one, I refuse to give him what he wants.  There isn't much you can dispute with an ass caving like that.  And I have no problem with it.  Ohio was on and if Penn State really gave a shit about their image and how ugly that was about to be then they would have found a way to stop at least half of those drives.  I've found myself defending blowouts more and more ever since I read that ridiculous fucking story about the mom of a high school kid getting pissed about her kid's team getting their tits blown off by something like 90 points.  She called it bullying.  That isn't bullying, you cunt.  That's called sucking dick in football.  Bullying would be if I found you and told you that I hope you get raped by the wrestling team.  Which is something I TOTES hope.

Alabama looked very beatable again Saturday cruising by Tennessee after being up 21-0 after the first quarter and 35-0 at half.  Fuckin Cakes, man.  Let's never let him live that statement down.  Time warp back to reality and it doesn't look like this team is losing this year.  They still have Lester and the Toilet Town Boys but that game is at home.  Not a gimme but the home crowd gives them the edge.  They also have #11 Auburn on the road with two preschools sandwiched in between.  Then ROLL DAMN TIDE will most likely face Missour-uh in the SEC championship game assuming Bama makes it there.  It's starting to seem a bit more real, isn't it Cakes?  Alabama is going to play for the title again.  This TOTES beatable Alabama team.  Imbecile.

In other "Dumb Shit Cakes Says" news:  Northwestern is still searching for that first elusive Big 10 victory.  SUCH A GRITTY ZERO CONFERENCE WIN SQUAD!  I should probably learn the names of the Northwestern players first before I comment on this game.  Right, Anon?  That Blaine Colter is quite the weapon and he's been sorely missed.  Did I get that name correct?  Close enough.  So I guess Colter really didn't make that much of a difference missing last week's game, did he?  They lose either way.  And don't give me this hurt bullshit.  Colter didn't play or look like he was hurt on Saturday.

Saul's Dukies with a big upset over the Virginia Tech Fighting Frank Beamer Fake Necks!  I bet Saul celebrated by doing Rumplemintz shots out of Dick Vitale's belly button.  I'm pretty sure it's Saul that has the Duke boner anyway...

Wipe that sweat off your sack, Miami.  Can you still feel the sting in your nuts from Saturday from that pesky Wake Forest team?  Here's a question.  Why does Al Golden always wear that bright orange tie? Is that his version of Bill Belichick's sleeveless summer hoodie?  And why does Golden always look like a sweaty meatball on the sidelines?  That dude probably perspires balancing his check book or ripping a greasy dump.  Just a fuckin gross looking dude.  Anyway...Miami is the most OVERRATED undefeated team in college football.  They're the NFL equivalent Kansas City Chiefs.  But more exciting.  But then again reading the fucking index page of an encyclopedia is more thrilling than Chiefs football.

Missour-uh Souf Carolina was the cat's ass.  Mizzou's kicker...F. Kicker...needs to be put on suicide watch for essentially ruining the Tigers' season.  Somewhere Blaine Gabbert was crying into his blow dryer and perm set.  Buck up chaps because not all is lost.  They were never a realistic candidate for the Nat Champ game but they can still make the SEC championship game and get hog tied to the rape stand (second rape reference today!) courtesy of a SUPER beatable ROLL DAMN CAKES squad!  Something to look forward to.

That's my time.  But before I go...BREAKING NEWS:  JRupe is in the midst of a divorce despite #predictionsdrewmade that Ruper and his bride would last forever.  I'm pretty sure Ide took full advantage of Rupe's vulnerable state to get back in his good graces and added to the Facebook friends list.  I think Damman said it best.  Suidicey Rupe is the best Rupe and be on the lookout for multiple check ins to the Henry County Hospital.  Facebook just got a little bit better today.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!

Monday, October 28, 2013

The Worst of Week Eight Vol.VII


That's not a bad little fan video.  I've seen way more pathetic.  We hear it every other day how Browns fans think that they have it the worst and it will always be awful for them.  But I'll tell you one thing: it could be worse.  Sure, the Weeden Era has been terrible at best yet at least your team didn't call Brett Favre this week.  AND GET TURNED DOWN.  Jesus, that might be the saddest thing ever.  The Rams lost their poopy QB and their first move was to pick up the phone and call a 44 year old dong-slinger that has been retired for three years.  They begged him to come play for them. The Rams are so incompetent that they desired the services of Brett fucking Favre in 2013.  You can piss and moan and cry and complain all you want to about how stupid and bad your favorite team is...but at least they didn't try to get Favre to come out of retirement.  Fortunately, the Rams don't have any fans so no one really cares.  It's going to be hard to come up with a "worst of" on the same level as the St. Louis Rams front office but we'll try anyway.

The Rams - You know how they got turned down by Favre?  They signed Brady Quinn instead.  I'm pretty sure that NOW I'M DONE has played for 12 teams this season.

The NFL Schedule - Wow.  This is the worst slate of prime-time games ever.  CAR/TB, GB/MIN, and SEA/STL...might be a good time to ditch the NFL and watch the World Series instead.  Or The Walking Dead.  Yeah, probably The Walking Dead AKA Brett Favre trying to play football in 2013.

LOL Dallas! - This might have been the game of the year if not for all of the horrible Lions turnovers.  They should have won that by 14 points.  But in the end, the Cowboys get outsmarted by Fat Stafford and LOSE GLORIOUSLY!  Fatty's post winning sneak Truffle Shuffle celebration may be the best thing ever.  LIONS BRAH!  They won a game with a -4 turnover margin! 

Dez Bryant - Holy shit, this guy is a raving lunatic.  And I love it.  So he's on camera trying to fight T-Bone Romo in the 3rd quarter.  For some reason, Derek Fucking Dooley tries to break it up.  Much like his tenure at Tennessee, he failed miserably.   Then he mails in 80% of his routes the rest of the second half but somehow scores.  And it ended with Jason Witten screaming at him on the sideline.  This was the BEST.  Dez is such a Canadian.  He's the kind of guy that would assault his own whore mother.  MAJOR LULZ.  Also, probably shouldn't say that you're better than Megatron because 1. you aren't and 2. he might dump 300+ creamy yards on your grill.

London - Nice wave, ya filthy buggers.  No wonder we either beat you or bailed you out in every war.

Andy Reid's Fat Ass - Why are you kicking a meaningless FG with 17 seconds left and destroying the under?  Go kill another son.  The Chiefs are still shit.  They got torched by Jason Campbell and let whatever a Fozzy Whitaker is score on them.

Tom Brady - Another craptastic performance.  I'm sure that everyone will blame his hand bruise or whatever and just ignore that he has been average all season.

Marques Colston - He is completely worthless.  Colston might be the worst player in the league.  Well, he's better than Mark Ingram, but he's up there.  I like Jimmy Graham's workflow and wish that I had his skill and size (but not pigment no offense).  When you're in the red zone, go in and catch a touchdown.  Spike Ball.  Sit down.  The Bills are terrible.

Chump Kelly - That's two weeks in a row of no offensive touchdowns (I think) at home against bad NFC East defenses.  REVOLUTIONARY OFFENSE!  It looks like Bonerz Barkley could be starting here which is the best.  Don't forget how much Eli sucks, too, because settling for 5 field goals against a team that employs Kurt Coleman still is rotten.  Get ready to here about how the Giants aren't done because they've beaten Josh Freeman and Bonerz.  Yeah, they are done.

Lamarr Woodley - That was pretty great when he let mah boy, TP, run right by him for a heavenly 93 yard TD run.  There will be no ribs for Grumpy because, again, the Steelers can't win in Oakland because the Raiders are the superior franchise.

Marvin Jones - Who the fuck are you and how dare you score 4 touchdowns?  It's about time that the Bengals showed what they have and fucking murdered someone.

Matt Ryan - Sucks.  He doesn't have anyone left to throw to but that's his problem, not mine.

The Redskins OL - Jesus Christ, what a disaster.  RG3 was absolutely abysmal but it makes sense when he is getting KILLED every time he drops back.  He got knocked down on about 66% of his dropbacks.  That Leichtensteiger asshole from BG is worse than Daniel.  I hope that Griffin is OK.  He looked alright walking around and Cousins was equally as shitty.  It's amazing that a game that I had no goals of winning, got my hopes up in the second half when we went up by two touchdowns, only to see Denver score thirty-fucking-eight straight points.  I knew we were going to lose yet I'm still furious because sometimes it's about how you lose.  And we lost like a bunch of FAGGOTS.  I think we can all agree that it's Grossman Time (which if you look it up on a clock would read 69:69).

Not DeAngelo Hall - Somehow, he is one of the best corners in the league this year.  He scored his THIRD touchdown this season which is more than CJ Spiller.  Oh well, at least that horrendous pick six by Cousins crushed the over and won me money.  Time to move onto the Chargers and their QB who is currently expecting his seventh kid.  From ONE woman!  That's just bad pro athlete behavior.

FANTASY! - Looks like possibly a 3-1 week to me but there are too many Seattle and Green Bay players floating around.  The important thing is that I won in the G$FL and Ide beat Drooler which is YUGE!

In conclusion to something that I have not yet mentioned, that walk-off obstruction on Saturday night was a ridiculously ELITE call from Jim Joyce/Dana Demuth.  That was REALLY good umpiring.  If you know anyone who thinks that that was a bad call, feel free to punt the fuck out of their raisin nuts.  Enjoy the Rams game tonight!  I hope it is as good as last week's FreemanFest!

Friday, October 25, 2013

Your Fantasy Season Is Half Over

Why did I draft Montee Ball again?
Last night’s likely epic Bucs/Panthers tickle fight kicked off week 8 of the NFL season. That means that all of our fantasy season’s are about halfway over (give or take a week). Where has the time gone? With two months of the year out of the way, I think it’s fair to reflect on what we know about fantasy football now. By the way, don’t listen to The League. Isaiah Pead is more likely to “douche it” than “do shit” as the MacArthur’s want you believe. I’d rather own stock in Tacocorp than start a Rams RB. So what have we learned?

*Much like in real life, running backs are almost worthless. Those poor bastards who go RB/RB almost certainly have God awful teams. Knowshon Moreno is currently the #5 RB as far as points scored this season. WTF? Peterson, Foster, Ray Rice, Doug Martin, Spiller, and T-Rich…all drafted within the first 15 picks and all of them have provided poor value.
*You’re better off just drafting a shit ton of backs and hoping that two of them are competent.
*Stop drafting running backs on bad teams. You don’t run the ball when you’re always playing from behind.
*Draft receivers on bad teams even if the team sucks. Just look at Justin Blackmon and Josh Gordon.
*When it comes to your QB, it doesn’t pay to seek value. I’ve been on #TeamELITEQB forever and this year is a perfect example why. You may not like the idea of going QB in the first round or spending the most cap money on a passer, but it’s the best move. You aren’t just paying for production, you are paying for peace of mind and consistency. Rusty Dubs might get you 30 points one week but then 5 the next. I don’t want that. I’ll pay a lot stiffer price to guarantee that Breesus gets me 25-30 every damn week. But go ahead and ignore this truth and keep drafting your running backs. I’ll keep making the playoffs while you try to figure out who to start between Romo and Andy Dalton.
*Dut likes to consider himself some sort of waiver wire guru. That’s pointless. It still comes down to “can you draft well”. He cannot. You’re not going to win your league if half your roster was purged from the wire. Do your fucking homework.
*I will never ever own Chris Johnson again. I have two really good teams and two really bad teams. Guess who is featured heavily on those two bad teams? He was supposed to be a stud again after they drafted a road grating guard and signed Andy Levitre AND run the ball more than any other team. CHOKE ON YOUR LIES, CJ!
*I go into the weekend 6-1 in the MSFL and 5-2 in the LFL. I expect to win both leagues. By the way, I know that you probably hate it when I consider myself to be an expert at fantasy football. I get that. And I freely admit that I BLOW at snake drafts for some reason. But there is no arguing that I am really good at the auction game. I must have been an ELITE plantation owner in a previous life.

So let’s spend today talking about how great we are or threatening to murder players that have let us down. Yeah, I’m looking right at you, Marques Colston. And I’m sure that Prime is staring daggers through Arian Foster. Don’t you walk away from us, BOY. It’s pretty much guaranteed that I’m going to win the MSFL and also my third straight LFL Fleshlight. No one else compares (especially Jeff).

As I mentioned earlier in the week, I’ve been bleeding out slowly on the GAMBLOR front this season. It’s just been really hard to sustain any positive momentum from week to week. Negative momentum? Oh man, do I have a lot of that. So I’m not going to give out a bunch of picks this week all the while pretending that I am some money-making machine. Instead, I’ll just offer up my Glory Hole (now 4-2!!!).

MAC Glory Hole of the Week: Toledo +3.5 @ Bowling Green – Oh yeah, the rivalry game that no one cares about! This feels like a field goal game to me even before I saw that SI did a feature on BG coach Dave Clawson this week. CURSED, I say! I also like Ape and Lange and Law School LS more than Dut and Cakes and Iceman and Wiggy and two years of Damman (and probably others that I’m not remembering because fuck ‘em). I would also recommend Ball State -10.5 @ Akron and I do not recommend taking the RedHawks +25 @ Ohio U. You might want to go the other way.

Well, hey there, Mr. Ace is on FIRE with his Hammers of the Week (now at a robust 6-10 on the season!!!). Don’t you guys worry, we’re going to see just how bad this man’s picks are all the way through the end of the season. He is not going to be allowed to quit early on us. We need to see when he hits rock bottom.
I don't even think I need explanations any more.
NCAA: Penn State/Fuckeyes OVER 55.5. IU put up 40+ against Penn State’s defense and Michigan did about the same. The Fuckeyes defense is bad. These two things should mean points, which means the score will be 3-2.
NFL: Cleveland/KC UNDER 39.5. Kansas City might break 20. Maybe. The only way this goes over is with two or more defensive TD's...which is pretty much a guarantee since I picked it.
Moneyline: FUCK YOU CAKES (The Raiders will beat the Steelers and I think there is some value in ML Maryland)

That will do it for this week. Feel free to pat me on the back some more for owning Iceman in that argument we had over Brady and Spiller. He was wrong. Like usual, I was correct. Brady is barely start-able anymore. And medium-sized ups to Ide for saying that Kaepernick would suck. He probably just thought that because he hates half-breed orphans though. Go Penn State! BEAT OU!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

LOL Cakes Wants Cakes

FUCK RYAN RABURN!!!
In case you didn’t know, I pretty much define “creature of habit”. I almost always have my day planned out accordingly. Not a big fan of surprises and shit that is out of my control. Basically, I try to get most of my work done every morning so that my afternoons are left free to fuck around on the internet. It is during these afternoons that I usually write the following day’s post. Yesterday, I had a dumbass morning meeting about new accounting procedures that took forever and thus upset my flow. I was not amused. So instead of ripping off another classic post at my own pace, I was actually working and had to rush today’s submission. Not cool. So today you’re getting the worst of the worst…

A post inspired by a Cakes Comment.

I was actually going to probably choose this topic in a few weeks anyway (as they talked about on the local station Tuesday and it was a somewhat decent radio segment considering the source material) but now seems like a good time to play with hypotheticals and uncertainties. But still, I need to face the FACT that I am relying on our worst commenter for post ideas. Sad day. So what did he say?

Out of all the undefeated teams, I would actually prefer Bama in a title game scenario. They are TOTES beatable this year.


Now other than the stupidity of implying that any team is invincible, it’s not a bad statement to turn into a question on a great website. AND it gives us a chance to laugh at Ohio fans for their idiocy and retarded bravado. Nothing wrong with that.

Alright, so Alabama, Florida State, Oregon, and Ohio are probably the only true contenders to play in the final BCS Title Game in world history. LOL Missour-ah! Baylor probably has too many hurdles to jump over at world record speed (like RG3) and would likely need all four at the top to lose at least once (although I think that they would embarrass the Ohio “defense” but that is beside the point). We all know that Ohio needs a lot of help to get into that top two due to a laughable schedule and unimpressive wins over average teams. But it isn’t impossible. Far from it, actually. Nick Saban isn’t known for running the table. FSU and Oregon are more than capable of dropping a game that they shouldn’t. Ohio will likely run the gamut though so let’s assume that they are going to play for it all. Who do you want to play? Who do you hope they play? Who do you want no part of? How about a pro/con of playing each of the three teams in that group.

ALABAMA
Pro – It is the biggest chance to put yourself back on the map and get the SEC monkey off your back. Let’s be honest, this is really all that you care about anyway.
Con – If you lose, that monkey will only double in size (like thrice as big as Terrence Mount Cody). Plus, you don’t really want to have to admit that Nicky SabeCakes is better than Urb (he is…UT > BG).

FLORIDA STATE
Pro – They will probably choke as them making it to the title game means that they are due to have a rotten performance
Con – They have the talent to blow you out of the water. Beating them will do nothing to improve your reputation.

OREGON
Pro – You have the hosses to push them around like you did years ago in the Rose Bowl. Nothing has changed. They can still be bullied.
Con – You aren’t doing anything that the SEC hasn’t done better. Plus, the “Chip” on Oregon’s shoulder is just as big as yours as far as getting over the hump/beating the SEC.

So I guess that if I were in your hypothetical shoes, I would probably rather see Oregon in my bowl game because I think that they would be the easiest team to beat (albeit not easy). Winning is what matters. It’s why Eli is better than Peyton and always will be. I would want nothing to do with Florida State because it is a lose/lose situation. And while some of you may think that you want a shot at Bama…you do NOT want a shot at Bama. You know better. Yes, even YOU know better than that. Thoughts? Oh, almost forgot…FUCK YOU, CAKES!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

G$ Ranks The Nation's Quarterbacks

Beano Cook just got a huge dead boner.
There is no doubt that one of the most annoying things about NFL coverage is when people rank quarterbacks (especially when throwing around that ELITE label). Does it even matter at all? What purpose does it serve if someone has Matt Schaub ranked ahead of Sam Bradford? That shit is just a waste of time…and I always fall for it anyway because I never use my time wisely. But rarely do I see anything online ranking college quarterbacks. I’m sure that they exist but I haven’t read them and thus it’s new to me. Here are my top ten college football quarterbacks for the 2013 season.

A few things about these rankings before we begin…there is zero consistent criteria here. That can’t be forgotten. There is no “eye test” or deep ball accuracy metric or arm STREMPH or leadership skills. Nothing. I don’t judge this based on who I want in a big game or if I would take a true freshman over a junior. I guess I would say that if anything is weighted over everything else, it would be “do I want to watch you play” and “do you win a lot” and please never forget about “personal bias”. So while VT’s Logan Thomas wins a lot, he ain’t even close to showing up past this sentence because I never want to watch him play. Got it?

Honorable Mention: Bryce Petty, Baylor; Stephen Morris, Miami; Zack Mettenberger, LSU/Sexual Battery
Thoughts – I love watching Baylor play but that has more to do with the entire team being insanely fast and skilled than the QB play. Morris is a stud but there are already two ACC QBs below and we can’t have three (by law). Mettenberger is a shithead of the utmost degree as a person but he’s gotten a lot better at flinging the rock. Plus, he hands the ball off to an even worse human being and thus looks better.

10. Jordan Lynch, Northern Illinois – In my personal opinion (Demetrius Stanley), Lynch is the toughest QB I’ve ever seen not named Mike Bath. And because it needs to never be forgotten, he led a MAC school to the fucking Orange Bowl (outcome irrelevant) while giving two middle fingers to Kirk Herbstreit. ELITE trolling.

9. Tajh Boyd, Clemson – I don’t know, I go through hot and cold spells with this stocky fella. He just sort of comes off like a loser to me.

8. Brett Hundley, UCLA – I’m pretty close to saying that he is the best pro prospect coming out this year in a good QB class, but I can’t ignore that no-show at Stanford on Saturday. He’s really good though and you should try to watch him play some time, Ohio fan that doesn’t watch any game that doesn’t feature the scarlet and red (Hi, LeBron!). After all, there’s probably a pretty decent chance that he could be in Cleveland next season.

7. Aaron Murray, Georgia – I’m not the biggest fan but he is the all-time passing leader in SEC history so that counts for something. That conference did produce El Sex Cannon after all. It’s a shame that everyone around him died this year.

6. Braxton Miller, Ohio State – We all know that I think he’s a pussy (and I’m right) but the dude makes good decisions and rarely forces plays. At least he’s fun to watch. Remember Craig Krenzel? Those teams won a lot but were BRUTAL to spend 3.5 hours on.

5. Marcus Mariota, Oregon – He’s tougher than Miller and just a little bit better. I heard someone on the radio say that Mariota could be the #1 pick this coming year? The fuck? No fucking way and if it does then that team is going to blow forever.

4. AJ McCarron, Alabama – I don’t think that Li’l Grossman is all that great but he never makes mistakes, never loses, and crushes sweet ass. Plus, his mom is hot. Let’s just say that if I needed to win a game or Jim Harbaugh would kill me, I’m taking McCarron over everyone above.

3. Teddy Bridgewater, Louisville – He’s good, OBVZ, but how good? Because he beat an poorly coached and uninspiring Florida team last year, we’re supposed to believe that he is Cam or RG3? I don’t think so. The talent is there but I’m a little cautious to laud him as the clear cut best QB prospect in the land.

2. Jameis Winston, Florida State – We got a taste on that opening weekend at Pitt and that taste became a full-fledged hog roast this past weekend. If Winston is on your TV, you aren’t changing the channel. He is must see no matter the opponent. If I’m an NFL GM, I’d much rather have Clowney or that Barr kid (STUD) from UCLA this year and then Winston than I would Teddy.

1. Johnny Manziel, Texas A&M – Let me correct myself—you aren’t changing the channel off of Winston unless Johnny Football is playing. You either love him or you hate his guts but we all want to see what he does next. He’s a white LeBron in that aspect. Fun FACT: his money fingers gesture is a shout out to me. Most people don’t know that. I love Johnny Football.

Well, that should give everyone something to argue about today. You may be wondering where I ranked DG98. He’s ranked 98th. No, j/k, no one cares about Devin Gardner. I do feel like I might have missed someone. I’ll be damned if I do any research though. UPDATE!  Now I remember, I forgot about Derek Carr or whatever his first name is at Fresno State.  I'm a real pro's pro.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

College Football Week 8


"DEEEEEEEEEEZ NUTS, CLEMSON!!"




Finally a week where I could watch college football uninterrupted by anything!  It was just as slothy and rewarding as I imagined it would be only getting up off the couch to shove food in my mouth and take nasty hangover shits.  Real quick before I start...which is the more ridiculous scary movie character?  The Leprechaun or Chucky?  The only reason I ask is because AMC is doing this Fear Fest thing...which is fucking ELITE by the way...and both of those movies have been on in the past couple of days.  And both are really dumb.  If you get killed by a leprechaun or a fucking ginger doll then you deserve it.  How people were ever scared by these movies is beyond me.  Once of these days I'll do a best and worst of scary movie post.  Let's light this candle.

Aaaaaaaand the turnovers just keep on coming for Michigan.  This is getting re-goddamn-diculous.  Speaking of ridiculous...Jeremy Gallon, Holy Shit!!  Did he have a billion yards Saturday?  Let's just call it a billion.  I noticed this week that when Gallon lines up before the snap he gives finger guns.  My kinda guy. Here's another thing about Devin Gardner...GET RID OF THE FUCKING FOOTBALL!!  If he takes one more 10 yard sack because he's trying to "make something happen" I'm gonna fucking lose it on Black Brett Favre.  And I'm not buying back in to Gardner with that offensive outburst from Saturday.  He's still merely average to slightly above average.  Unlike Cakes, I can admit when a guy blows up because of playing against a terrible team.  One last thing...Defense!  Ever fucking heard of it?!  Fuck!

Whew!  Iowa gave you turds a bit of a scare, eh?  Cakes says watch out for this Iowa team!  They're no joke!!  TURNING HEADS NATIONWIDE!!!  LULZ!!!!!  So here's the part where all the Ohio fans piss and bitch about how horse shit it was for Roby to get the boot for targeting.  I didn't see it but I'm sure he probably launched himself with intent and the ejection was warranted since all Ohio players are dirty and criminals.  But if you look at it this way, the refs probably did you a favor since Roby is awful and you all hate him.  Remember how he got his ass torn up by WhiteGuy Abbrederis.  ROBY FIVE STAR AFFLETE!!  Right, guys?

Let's all sit back and marvel at how tough that Northwestern team is.  Right, Cakes?  WHAT A DIFFICULT OUT THEY ARE!  SUCH A FOR REAL TEAM!!  Oh...and still winless in the Big 10.  Anyone that tried vouching for Northwestern needs to suck Mike Greenberg's pencil dick on film.  Michigan blew out Minnesota...and they aren't that good.  I love it when Northwestern does things like make Cakes look like a fuckin goon.

Louisville.  Oopsies!  Whatever...they had no shot at the title game anyway.  I think they had 3 high schools on their schedule this year.  But if you're Louisville, how do you allow yourself to lose that game?  All week everyone was talking about how UCF could trip up Louisville.  Then you come out and let them do just that.  Yeah, UCF is supposed to be good (National Title contenders according to Cakes on years they show up on Ohio's schedule) and stuff but Louisville has more talent.  That was just a supreme fuck up on their part.

I told you guys UCLA wasn't anything special, didn't I?  Sure did.  Okay...Stanford is a good team but Stanford just got done losing to a pretty average Utah team.  Pac-12 SUX.  Outside of Oregon, of course.  They certainly aren't "hands down" the second best conference this year.

Yeeeeesh!  Georgia, that's a bad loss to the Vanderbilt Jay Catlers.  The Bulldogs are showing the nation exactly what happens when you lose pretty much all of your players.  The good ones anyway.  It's ugly right now and I almost feel bad for them.  But fuck the SEC, so no.  I bet the toilet water drinking clan in the Bayou wishes they could have that game back against the Georgia Torn ACLs.  Sorry, Dawg...YOU DONE!
Editor's note:  Apparently WigMaster wanted some props for picking this upset in his preseason review.  You don't get props for an upset when several injuries are the cause of it.  DEAL WITH IT!!

Okay...never mind about LSU.  I guess the common theme this week is piss your season away if you happen to be in the top 10.  Lester is gonna need a tall glass of porcelain juice to nurse away the pain of this one.  Manning U is pretty rotten this year so that makes this loss even more hilarious.

LOL Johnny TwatWad.  Nice loss to Auburn, fart hole.  And Manziel hurt his little pussy during the game to make things even better.  This feels almost as good as an Ohio loss to anyone.  Almost.

Souf Carolina seems to have gently placed their season directly into the crapper.  They do this every year, don't they?  Win their first 4 or so games, get ranked in the top ten and then piss it away.  I'm not sure if I've ever said this before but Spurrier is TOTES the 60 year old guy getting gassed on bourbon in college bars who gets a little too grabby with the wait staff around 1AM.  Still trying to figure out why I hate Spurrier so much...

Blowout alert.  So I think we can safely say that Jameis Winston will be atop of everyone's Heisman list after this game?  The dumbest award in all of sports.  The Clemson fighting Jeffs must have forgot that when you play ranked teams at home you actually have to show up and play or this shit happens.  If you need Clemson they'll be scouring the campus trying to recover the tiny shards of their anus that Florida State just exploded.  Good Lord...

Not a bad week of college football.  Quite a few upsets going down but not the ones that will allow Ohio to back door their way into an undeserved chance to get their butts hollowed out by a far superior team in the title game.  KEEP OHIO OUT!  I'll be a little delayed on commenting today as I've left for Texas to find out just how many Mexican men G$ raped while he was there.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!!

Monday, October 21, 2013

The Worst of Week Seven Vol.VII

That beached whale made 23 million dollars this year to make plays like this.
Men, I don't know how I'm going to do this today.  How can I be expected to write about the NFL and The Walking Dead when the Tigers failed yet again?  But, this is why they pay me the big bucks.  That being said, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLZZZZZ  the Tigers are STILL losers!  There will be no coveted AL Championship rings this year, you failures!  Remember 1984?  Of course you don't.  You might as well just start calling yourselves "Cubs with a DH" for as much as you lose.  What did you spend 148 million dollars on this year?  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  Nice bullpen.  The best part is that that window is closing fast.  You have one year left before Scherzer walks and diabetes ravages all of these tubs of lard.  One more year.  That's it.  GET FUCKED and I wish you the best of luck in your quest to fail every year.  Fuck Detroit.  Go fall into third base like your blimp.  How about some football?

Not Jim Irsay - I loved every little thing that this idiot said about Peyton because it is exactly what I think.  Dude should have won more than one ring in Indy.  He sucks in playoffs.  People who call Irsay an ingrate are being dumb.  Peyton didn't "build him a stadium".  Irsay is right.  That being said, I expect the Broncos to destroy the Colts tonight/last night.

Joey Joe Joe Fauria - Wait, now he's doing little mini dances after catching a first down?  I don't think that I care for that.  The Bengals might be the least impressive 5-2 team ever (never mind because it's New England) but that only means that they're winning without playing their best yet.  Nice weekend, Detroit.

Ryan Tannehill - Here's a fun FACT: Ryan Tannehill sucks.  Losing to the Bills at home is deport-able offense.

Tom BradyCakes - WHAT DID I TELL YOU!!!  Don't doubt the master.  Who would've guessed that Brady would get worse with Gronk back?  You can never trust a MICHIGAN MAN.  The Patriots are bad.

Chip Kelly - Sweet offense, BRAH!  I guess your genius can tailor it to fit ANY quarterback!  It didn't end up costing them, but at the end of the first half, Chump sent his kicker out for a 60 yard FG which he missed by a million feet.  God dammit, the Cowboys are lock this division up by Thanksgiving.

Bonerz Barkley - Played one quarter...threw three interceptions.  USC!  USC!  USC!

Marcus Vick - I'm not on Twitter (yet) but I imagine that if I do ever join, I will do nothing but say racist things to Marcus Vick because he is the dumbest.  He was openly rooting against Nick Foles yesterday because he's a cocksucker.

Peter King - Thanks for the advice to draft Jared Cook, you fat ass!  You said that he was the best player you saw all summer.  The last 6 games he has a combined 16 catches for 170 yards.  Fuck you, Peter.  Go hang out in the Rams war room and talk about forever some more, fag.

Jay Catler's dong - What a bitch!  He wasn't MAN ENOUGH to play a full game in DC!  It's probably a good thing that his back-up is Steve Young apparently or at least that's what the hideous Skins defense made him look like.  I'll take the victory and the bragging rights over Prime but that was way too close for comfort.  This team sucks.  Why?

Keith Burns - Believe me, bro, no one is saying Boooooooo-urns.  This is our special teams coach and we have the worst special teams of all time.  Gave up another PR TD because that is apparently going to be a weekly occurrence now.  I can't wait to see what Peyton has in store for us next weekend.  The only positive?  Bro, the offense put up 45 and RG3 was just short of a 300/100 game.  2-4!  Back on the Super Bowl track!

AlfMo-wners - Yeah, sorry about those three Roy Helu JUNIOR touchdowns.  I couldn't believe it either.  Won't happen again.

The Ravens/Steelers Rivalry - Still as boring as ever.  Nothing has changed.  If Grumpy is done pounding the oak trees, his chances of a 12-4 season and rib dinner on me are still alive!

Arian Foster - Total bitch.  Alex Smith is horrible by the way.  Just in case you forgot.  You should not have.

Josh Gordon - Everyone likes to blame Brandon Weeden for the Browns being awful because it's easy and right, but Gordon was pretty poopy yesterday in Green Bay as well.  If he wasn't falling on down on every route, he was dropping almost everything his way.  TRADE HIM NOW!

FANTASY! - Feels like a 3-1 week to me but the Sunday nighter has too many players in play to know for sure.  Ide = gay.  He is every black gay man's fantasy.

That will do it for today.  Don't forget to comment about how hard you laughed at the Tigers on Saturday night.  Never forget how funny that was.  Enjoy tonight's riveting Vikings/Giants game.

Friday, October 18, 2013

This Post Is Opting Out Early

Uh...ok?
We’re still a week or so away from the big NBA season preview post that we do around here (yes, Ice, you’re doing this again) but something happened the other day that I just can’t ignore. Carmelo Anthony has let it be known that he will be opting out of his contract with the Knicks after this season’s forthcoming season of continued underachievement to test the free agent waters. As he so eloquently puts it, it is every pro athlete’s dream to hit the open market. While I’m sure that this is true, good luck with the NY media and rabid Knicks fans this year, bro. I’m sure that they will be more than supportive of your quest to get paid and mail in a lame duck season while you wait for the Lakers to offer you stupid money to not win. What a dumbass. Carmelo just set himself up for a year of scrutiny and constant negativity. If he thinks that the Denver fans booing him out of town was bad, just wait and see what the Knick faithful have in store for him. And as a reminder, no one handles the media and their PR worse than the superstar professional basketball player. I can’t wait to see how this season shakes out for the Knicks and Carmelo. It is going to be glorious. How about some football analysis though since that is why you showed up today?

I can barely believe that this is true but the biggest game of the entire season takes place tomorrow night in ACC Country as #5 Florida State takes on #3 Clemson. This should be an incredible game. While no one will ever be as exciting as global hero, Johnny Football, Famous Jameis and The Rise of Tajh Boyd are damn close. The winner of this game is almost certainly a lock to play for the title…if they avoid stepping on their dicks the rest of the way (which is probably unlikely considering their histories of choking). The line right now is Florida State -3 which seems insane to me. I am not recommending this as one of my picks, but I like The Fighting Jeffs to hold serve at home. The rest of my picks:

Louisville -12.5 vs. UCF – This game is tonight. After last week’s average showing on national TV against Rutgers, I would expect a much more impressive performance against a solid Golden Knight team.
Akron -7.5 @ Miami – I will be at this game. So will Terry Bowden. I apologize profusely for advising you all to bet on us last week. NEVER AGAIN.
Missour-ah +3 vs. Florida – Florida is fucking rotten. Oh wait, did Mizzou’s QB get hurt last week? He might have. Shit—don’t pick this game.
Northern Illinois -16 @ Central Michigan – The Huskies survived against the Zips last week while the Chips somehow won down in Athens. Thanks for making this line a touchdown closer than it should be!
Notre Dame -3 vs. USC – I’m no Irish fan but even I know that they are more than a field goal better than Ed Orgeron.
Oregon State -11 @ California – This is my lock of the week. Cal sucks.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (back to .500 at 3-3)…Ball State -19 @ Western Michigan – Western Michigan gets drilled by everyone. BSU won at Virginia by 20 so I’m pretty sure that they can do the same thing in Kalamazoo. What about the pro game?

San Diego -9 @ Jacksonville – The Jags covered last week and there is no way that they can do it two weeks in a row. Plus, this Chargers team is starting to grow on me. I’m not worried about the short week and traveling across the country.
New England -4 @ New York Jets – The Jets already played the Pats close once this year. It won’t happen again.
Kansas City -7 vs. Houston – The Texans are 0-6 ATS this year. This is easy money. Let's see what Mr. Ace and his FOOLPROOF SYSTEM have in store for us this week...

1-1 last week. FAU fucked me out a nice moneyline by losing as time expired and the Packers fucked me out of a cover by giving up a 4th and 21!!! 6-8 on the year...FUCK YOU CAKES
NCAA: UCLA +6. I think UCLA is the real deal. They are 5-0 ATS. They have Oregon next week, so they NEED this one. Stanford has been showing some flaws the last two weeks.
NFL: KC -6. Houston is a dumpster fire. They don't know who their starting QB is (UPDATE: CASE KEENUM!!!). And no matter who it is they are turnover prone. KC can get after the QB with 4, is leading the league in sacks and INT's. This is just a horrible matchup for Houston.
Moneyline: UCLA +185, Mizzou +135...and I think IU is at worst a play against Michigan at +250.
Also, I feel obligated to provide this ELITE trend to all the Money Shot Maniacs: When the O/U is set at 73 or above, the home team is covering at a 62% clip. And when the O/U is set at 70 or above the home team is covering 58% of the time. Last week that trend went 3-2. Do with it what you will.

That will do it for this week. The college football season is pretty much half over at this point. I think it’s safe to say that this season sucks cock. The only way that it could redeem itself is with a big, juicy Fuckeye upset loss. Come on, Kirk Ferentz, earn that ridiculously stupid paycheck!  Enjoy the games.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Open Forum: The Only Town That Promotes Bullying!

Who rules?
We’re going to take a slight break from the sports scene today to discuss something that is near and dear to my black heart: Naptown AKA my home town. Now, if you’ve never been, we’re a simple, small town known for our ELITE wing-T offenses, Shell Pizza, and Wayne Park. We keep to ourselves for the most part. But if you’ve been paying attention to the local news at all recently (hell, it’s even getting a little national play), you will see that we are more than just The Tomato Capital of the World. If we were building our city resume, you could now add “rampant school bullying” to the mix. In fact, I’m just going to deem Naptown the “Bullying Capital of the Midwest”.

Some dipshit 8th grader even filmed himself beating the shit out of some other kid WITH HIS BELT. That isn’t really the kind of POV movies that I like to watch but I’m not one to shy away from wanton violence. So apparently almost all of these problems happened at the middle school and the administration doesn’t appear to care either which is hilarious. They just keep letting this stuff happen because what kind of asshole breaks up a fight? It’s kind of hard to gauge exactly what the hell is going on because the local media is so terrible. From what I have been able to piece together:

*There have been at least 50 bullying incidents this year apparently
*No one does anything about it
*One of them happened right in front of a teacher and they just walked away (LOL! ELITE laziness! I hope it was Mr. Fraker!)
*This is Uncle T’s old place of employment so you know that they aren’t very open-minded anyway
*The belt incident, in which the parent posted about it on Facebook, opened the floodgates for everyone to come forward with their stories
*Some parent had their kid on the phone with them while they were being assaulted
*This problem isn’t going away which is perfect because apparently no one wants it to stop
*My former Middle School is basically an Octagon with books now
*Bullying is awful unless it involves Richie Earl and BradyCakes (never forget)
*I should care about this more since I have nieces and nephews that are or will be going through this place

I can’t even imagine how awesome the latest school board meeting was/will be. My 100% uninformed guess is that someone is getting canned over this. Probably the principal. Is it still Tom Condit? I know that it isn’t but Condit was the best. LADIES GENTLEMEN GENTLEMEN LADIES! Gunner was a turkey-necked shitbird. I recommend doing a little research on this and reading some of the parent comments on FB or The Blade or whatever. Their anger is pretty amusing. So I guess if you want to share some good bullying memories from your youth today, that could be a nice way for the comments to go.

A quick story about a fight I once watched at that same school: Buster started hanging out with the druggies and scalawags at some point and sort of stopped being the muscle of our group. At some point, he and Carrizales were at odds. They decided to fight after school one day right in front of the main entrance. Carrizales and the rest of us were out there first and realized that the MAIN ENTRANCE at 3 pm was a terrible place to throw down. Buster came strolling out with his collection of scoundrels.

Carrizales: Let’s do this in the alley.
Buster: No, right here.
Carrizales: OK.

And then Carrizales knocked him out with one punch despite being out-weighed by a good 50 pounds. It was absolutely hilarious. Hopefully, Burke stops by and seconds the greatness of that moment. Again, this happened right in front of the school as the day ended. Hundreds of people had to have seen this take place. No one said a word. My point is that nobody has ever given two fucks about violence at The Snake Pit.

Before I go, I want to lay the blame where it belongs…with our local government. In particular, a certain corrupt family that is trying to ruin the region for their own personal gains. I’m not going to name names, but one of the Bastard Brothers stopped commenting here for what I can only imagine is a way to distance himself from such an ELITE site. Just come out and say that we’re not good enough for you. You’re just another member of Grumpy’s Twitter group #RepublicanTaliban (thanks for that, Drooler). Ape knows that you are spending too much time at the local Asshole Butter Festival anyway. Your opponents aren’t going to track your browser history, bro, so stop big-timing us. Do you really want us to unleash an unfiltered Ide on your Facebook campaign page? Because we’ll do it, dammit. I was raised on the mean streets of Naptown. I know how to cyber-bully, BRAH! Come back to us. You belong here. This is your home. These are your homos.

Hey, if Steubenville wants to be the rape capital of Ohio, I see no reason why Naptown can’t be the bullying center of the state.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

A Nightmare on Welfare Street

GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I'm writing this in between that hilarious 1-0 Tigers loss and the upcoming Blue Jackets win at The Joe.  Obviously, I am just assuming that we beat them again because it's what we do.  How about one of those great bullet-point posts that this site is famous for?  You know that you love them!

*You may have still been working but there was a 17 minute delay because the lights went out at Comerica Park.  Go figure that these broke cocksuckers can't keep the electricity on.  Maybe if they spent less on the postgame buffets and steroids, the Tigers would be able to pay their bills.

*I did find it amusing that Erin Andrews (you might remember her as the broad in the peephole video) announced to the world that Jim Leyland was firing up a heater during the delay.  Speaking of Leyland, I'm not really sure what he does as far as strategy during a game.  They don't run.  They don't bunt.  They don't substitute.  He rides his starting pitching until they can go no more.  All of that is fine and all, but I have no idea if he's a really good manager or just let's his players play.

*Jut Verlander's scoreless streak ended at 34 2/3 innings or something like that.  Who cares?  He lost.  He lost because he is a loser and couldn't even get Brett Kiesel (or whoever that guy) is out.

*John Lackey is the ugliest man on the planet so he had to feel right at home pitching in front of the ugliest fans on the planet.  If you weren't aware, Lackey has cat scratches on the back of his head.  LOL!  Better than Jut!

*Miggy Cabrera doesn't look right to me and that has to be troubling to you idiots.  OBVZ I'm a hater, but he looks hurt to my eyes.

*I'm sticking with Boston in 7.  Eventually, they are going to start hitting.  The Tigers aren't facing last year's Yankees team.

*On the other side of the league, fuck the Cardinals so hard.  Deadspin has done a great job calling them out as hypocrites but I want to do likewise.  Look, the Dodgers went 22 innings without scoring a run.  Adrian Gonzalez gets a big hit to break the drought and is rightly pumped about it.  According to Ide guy, Adam Wainwright, that makes him "Mickey Mouse".  Puig hot dogs a triple out of the box that scores another run and Beltran is mad about that.  Keep in mind that Puig had struck out the last SEVEN times at bat.  HOW DARE THESE GUYS SHOW EMOTION!  They should all be robots incapable of feeling things!  Fuck St. Louis.  They always act like they define "class" but act like horse's asses every time they lose a game.  If you can't get fired up in the postseason then what the hell are you even playing the game for?

*I'm also sticking with LA in 6.  I'm not breaking anything new here but the starting pitching in the LCS's has been ELITE.

In conclusion, I don't think that the Tigers are in trouble yet but they probably need to win the next two before unloading Crazy Eyes and Bass Pro Shops back in Boston.  Does that make sense?  It might not.  What I'm saying is that I feel like the Tigers need to go back to Boston up 3-2.  Oh, and keep your whore mouth shut, Cakes.  Good things come to those who Cake.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Worst of Week Six Vol.VII

My new favorite player.
I'm back from north Texas.  Nice place.  Surprisingly very clean.  I ate a fried cuban sandwich roll at the Texas State Fair.  It may have been the most ELITE thing that I've ever eaten.  That Fair is bananas...well, chocolate covered and deep fried bananas.  Cowboys Stadium is something else.  I hated pretty much the entire five hours that I was there, but that building is cray.  I mean, it is INCREDIBLE.  I'm not sure if it was worth dumping a grand or so into a trip in which I got to watch my dipshit team end their season in week 6, but I'm glad that I got to watch a game there.  Let's get going with the worst of the weekend:

Doopy Pantz - Brandon Weeden is just terrible.  There really is nothing else that can be said about him.  It speaks to how awful he is when a shit QB like Bry-Hoy leads them to an impressive 3-0 record while Doopz goes 0-3 with the same roster.  I think that that Hundley kid from UCLA might be a good fit in CLE.  You aren't getting Teddy.  Forget about him.

Joe Banner - If you aren't trying to trade Josh Gordon then why do these trade talks keep getting leaked???  Shut the fuck up.  Let me help you out: Josh Gordon is NOT AVAILABLE.

Joe Haden - Fat Stafford threw for four touchdowns.  Since football is a team game then Haden was clearly poop, Seal.  Way to brag about losing or whatever the fuck that was yesterday.  I can tell you this: when I stood in a cab stand line for 90 minutes on Sunday night after the game and had to listen to every insult hurled my way by Cowboys fans in the donkey-ride/baja shirt line, I wasn't bragging about how we doubled them up in total yards.  Don't be dumb.  GIVE IT A REST.

Everyone not named Joseph Fauria - I love everything about this undrafted rookie tight end.  I am all-in on him being the NFL's version of Mark Madsen.  More insane touchdown dances, please!

Roger Goodell - He was at the game on Sunday night sitting with Bon Jovi for some reason.  They threw his stupid face on the fucking massive video boards and it gave me my first chance to boo him.  I may never get to the NFL Draft so being able to boo Goodell in person made me feel damn good.

Rob Ryan - Poor Wolfman, watching Tom Brady and a bunch of white pieces of shit (LOL Austin LOLlie!) beat him in the final seconds.  He looked like he was going to cry.  I'm sure that some hooker got split open Sunday night.  Also, WHAT THE FUCK, STEVAN RIDLEY?  I bench your ass and NOW you play?

Terrelle Pryor - You know, I think that he might have a future in the league after all.  He has to cut down on his interceptions and his love of getting into 3rd and 48 situations, but I'm starting to believe.  Best Fuckeye of all time!

Adrian Peterson - We all know the story about the son that he just found out about being beaten to death by some truly sick bastard.  He decided to play as I assume the field is a sanctuary for him.  Iceman had a real problem with this apparently because he must be some sort of a grief expert or something.  I don't know why he cared at all.  FagNasty once shit his pants during linemen drills (true story) and still played that Friday night.  Same thing.

Greg Schiano - I can't be the only one who believes that this asshole is the one who unleashed MRSA on his team, can I?  I wonder if Schiano will be the next coach of the RedHawks...

The Green Bay Blackers - James Jones AND Randy Cobb going down!  Time to move COOOOOOOONNNNNNN to WR!

Matt Schaub - Fuck it, I don't care.  I'm completely OK with Texans fans cheering because he got hurt.  Dude is awful.  Do you realize how much it costs to go to NFL teams?  You can't PARK in Dallas for less than FIFTY bucks.  Tickets are over $100.  Beers are ridic.  Then when the game starts, the same assfucker costs you a win every week.  If he sprains his ankle, FUCK HIM and fuck you, too, Brian Cushing.  Now he knows how I feel.  FYI, the Texans are now 0-6 ATS.

Told You So - I told you that the Broncos wouldn't cover.  I told you exactly why, too.  They didn't care.  Plus, Justin Blackmon is a pretty incredible player when he's sober.  He can even make Chad Henne look good.  I'll tell you what: Bridgewater to Black Man is going to be something special.

The Washington Pigdicks - Some years, you just know that it isn't going to happen.  You're terrible in the redzone or you have really poorly timed penalties or the timing is just a little off...it's just something that you can tell will fuck things up every week and ruin your shit.  It's not going to happen for the DC team in 2013.  We beat ourselves on Sunday (as we are doing a lot these days).  Dallas was awful offensively after the opening drive and still put up 31 points.  Our special teams are butt cheeks.  They cost us 17 points.  You can't kick field goals and expect to win.  Hell, the defense was actually GOOD for once!  DeAngelo shut down Dez which is weird to say.  I was happy to see RG3 running again but this is a lost season.  This is a fucking redshirt year and I H8 that.  I should have seen this coming.  The salary cap bullshit penalty was a killer.  I was too busy wearing my REDSKINS-COLORED GLASSES though. 

FANTASY! - I will be suffering my first MSFL loss (thanks for being a Papa John dick-jacker, Peyton).  I took over the division lead in the LFL (where I belong).  Not sure if I'll hold on in the G$FL (REALLY need to) and am dropping to 1-5 in my other league.  Whatever.

I was expecting Cowboys fans to be horrible but they just proved to be terrible (which is slightly better).  It was nice to see such a large Redskins contingent in the stadium even if that contingent was 95% black.  I swear, I am a part of the blackest fan base in the NFL.  And I love it.  I actually will recommend Jerry World to all of you though because it is definitely something that you need to see with your own eyes.  My words or a TV camera can't really do it justice.  But I'm glad to be back in Ohio though.  So happy that I'm about to spend the rest of the day working on my Joseph Fauria dance moves.  Fuck You, Cakes.

Monday, October 14, 2013

College Football Week 7



"I eat because I'm unhappy.....and I'm unhappy because I eat."



I'm taking advantage of the time I have before the wedding this afternoon to get some HOT college analysis in so I don't have scramble to write all of this Sunday night.  I can't have this blog get in the way of The Walking Dead season premier.  The wedding I will be at in T minus two hours and forty five minutes (at the time of this paragraph being constructed) is the one where the bride to be flashed me her gross Jabba the Hut boob a few weeks back, if you remember.  Wheelz is in the wedding so I will do what I can to be blacked out by the time she makes it back to our table at the reception.  A sure fire way to impress your wife, gents.  Take notes Seal and Jeff.  When you know no one at a wedding you drink as fast as you can and pray for 11pm to sneak up as quickly as possible.  Ohio is on a bye this week but I'm sure that won't stop their caveman fans from showing up to shit talk a Michigan team I've already said isn't all that spectacular.

Theeeeeeeeeeeere's the bad loss we've all been waiting for.  Devin Gardner once again was a turnover machine while Brendan Gibbons forgot how to kick a football.  He was probably too busy all week perfecting that marvelous gut he has going on and just forgot to work on kicking balls accurately.  That one stung a little but I'm not gonna sit here and say that Michigan deserved to win that game.  They had multiple chances and pissed them all away.  Good thing there was there was booze close by...and a lot of it.  Fuckeye fans continued to be Fuckeye by celebrating the Michigan loss openly in front of me when it was over.  And when I told them that loss actually hurts Ohio and their chances to play for a national title, all these dipshits said they didn't care.  They were more happy about Michigan losing then getting a much needed, highly ranked opponent at the end of the season to play.  Brain dead clowns.

I love how Cakes continued to talk up The Northwestern Greenbergs after that nail biter against the Ohios in a sad attempt to justify how close it was.  Then Northwestern goes out and gets their tits blown off by a very very very very average Wisconsin team.  Sweet analysis, bro.  #causedbycakes.

That LSU, Florida game looked like the most boring thing on the fucking planet.  The Toilet Water King, Lester Miles really brought the defense in this game.  But that isn't hard to do when Florida's starting QB is possibly worse than Brandon Weeden.  Notice I said possibly.

Gnarly choke job against Utah, Stanford!  I really stopped caring about this football team after Andrew Luck took his Fozzy Bear voice to the NFL but somehow they're always in the top 10.  Stop making me try to care about you, Stanford!  I'm actually kinda shocked that many smart kids are good football players.  But Stanford was going to lose anyway on November 7th to Oregon.  Who is prison raping everything its path right now.  Regardless.  Nice game, turds.

Dammit!  I wanted Ole Manning University to beat Johnny Fuck Face so hard!  But of course that little shit bird found a way to orchestrate some last second gayness to preserve a win against an ass team.  I also heard Manziel was injured during the game.  Good.  Fucking decapitate him the next time.

HOW MANY MCCOY'S AND SHIPLEY'S ARE THERE?!  FUCK!!  Texas fans are pathetic fucking twats.  The Red River Rivalry is supposed to be THEE game for Texas, yes?  So why did it take their fans until halfway through the first quarter to fill up the stands?  I want to give them a pass because all of the lady butt in Texas is wildly impressive...but fuck those guys so hard.  Oklahoma should be ashamed of themselves for letting Case McCoy and his prepubescent baby nuts spank them in this game.  Not to mention that Stoops and company should be looking for nooses after getting waxed by a Greg Robinson defense.  Speaking of...I heard Musberger at least once say, "Thank you Greg Robinson" during this telecast.  Good fucking gravy.  Ol' Berger must have been hitting the gin during pregame.

Is that former U of Toledo head coach Gary Pinkel coaching Missiour-uh?  Sure is.  I did not know that about him.  I also didn't realize he was that good of a coach at UT.  Probably because I don't and continue to not care about the University of Toledo since it is a second rate school for douche lords and drug snorting criminals.  Every week I expect Wheelz to come home with a crack addiction.  Should be any day now.  Anyway...Georgia is in trouble.  It seems losing 78 skill position guys to season ending injuries is about the limit one team can absorb.  Too bad for them.  They were really starting to put it together after that early season loss to Clemson.

Kiffin finally spoke publicly about getting fired and it was just as pathetic and hilarious as you thought it would be.  He said that AD Pat Haden had a "very difficult decision to make".  Uh....how exactly do you figure his decision was difficult?  Ya sucked, BRAH.  28-15 over 4 years is turds.  Especially for a school that's used to winning 10 games a year and has ZERO problems getting top shelf talent.  I don't give a rat's fucking ass if you have sanctions.  Only whiny clams hide behind that shit.  Ohio had them and didn't lose a game last year.  Shit...even with Penn State's back breaking sanctions/loss of pretty much every decent player on their roster, Bill O'Brien still managed to go 8-4 in a conference that is better than the PAC-12.  I would be surprised if Kiffin coached at a major division I program again.

So that's it, dick heads.  But before I go, one more thing.  Speaking of weddings...we have another MoneyShot regular who made the grave error of getting married this last Saturday.  Frequent reader (Tuesday is TOTES his favorite day) and rare commenter Larry just signed his certificate into a life of indentured servitude for the rest of his miserable days.  Larry, I've been told, is an avid reader but sparse commenter because Drew sucks.  Can't say I disagree with you there, Larry.  Lawrence.  Enjoy getting bitched at for things like one or two dishes being left in the sink for one whole day.  Enjoy being forced to endure the most heinous of television programming.  Enjoy your asshole in-laws who never hesitate to let you know how you can improve your marriage despite the fact they've been divorced three times.  And enjoy coming up with excuses to not clean the attic.  Let me know if you need some pointers on the attic front.  I'm a fucking pro at that shit.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!

Friday, October 11, 2013

You Ready To Go Back To A Georgian Prison

In case you forgot, The Walking Dead starts up again this Sunday with season number...I don't remember.  When we last left, The Governor went nuts and killed all his people, Maggie was my sweet angel, and that is about all that I can remember.  Oh!  Andrea died.  They say it was due to getting bit and then being Michonne'd, but I think it was because she was a gullible idiot.  Anyway, here are my predictions for this coming season:

*Rick will not wash his shirt
*Carl will fulfill his destiny and start raping everything that moves because he IS a serial killer
*Maggie will always be the GOAT
*Glenn does everyone's math homework
*Michonne scowls while no one likes her
*Tyreese opens up that boxing gym.  He accepts peach cobbler as payment
*Hershel DEAD
*Carol and Daryl bone for some reason and the nation revolts because we love Daryl and sex with Carol would be revolting
*Li'l Ass Kicker gets killed by Da Gov because they killed his daughter
*It will continue to be a laughably absurd, awful, and entertaining watch on Sunday nights

Feel free to unload your predictions in the comments.  Here are my picks to click for the weekend:
Oklahoma -13.5 vs. Texas - Probably not going to go to this game after the dog medical bills but I expect Stoops to crush the Horns and putting the final nail in Mack Brown's coffin.
Ohio -18 vs. Central Michigan - Ohio just beat Akron by a million and I saw last weekend how shitty the Chips are.
Baylor -17.5 @ Kansas State - The Bears cover by a ton every week.  You should be riding this wave of ELITE cover skills.
Michigan -2.5 @ Penn State - Didn't Sandusky's Boyz just get dumped at IU by three touchdowns?  Thought so.
Boise State -7 @ Utah State - No Chuckie Keaton?  No chance.  Nate B sucks at making Mountain West predictions.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (3-2!) Miami +4 @ UMass - This is my LOCK OF THE SEASON.  I recommend the points but I also STRONGLY recommend the moneyline here.  The dark clouds are gone and it is Bath Time yet again.  By the way, I'm pretty sure that this is the worst college football game of the past decade.  You don't usually see two of the bottom three ranked teams in ESPN's Bottom Ten playing each other.  This is not a homer pick at all and you know this since I have bet against for the past month.  We are going to win.  Rack me.  How about some NFL picks...

St. Louis +8.5 @ Houston - Matt Schaub is ass.  The Texans are 0-5 ATS this year.  I love consistency.
Jacksonville +26.5 @ Denver - It's too much.  It just is.  Either stay away or take the points.  Denver is looking ahead to their trip to Indy next week.
New Orleans +2.5 @ New England - The Saints are vastly superior.  What's Mr. Ace thinking?

Fuck yeah, 0-2 (5-7 on the year...barf).
NCAA: There are actually quite a few games I like this week. I will drop the rest of my picks in the comments, but the one GUARANSHEED I have is Florida Atlantic +13 against Marshall. FAU is 5-1 against the spread. They got handled by DA U and ECU the first two weeks, but have been playing good football ever since. I think they can win.
NFL: Green Bay -3. I think that Baltimore is ass and have since the beginning of the year. The Packers are coming off a bye. I know Matthews is out, by they have guys that can fill his role(Matthews is totes overrated). The Ravens really need this game, but so do the Packers. Packers by 10 in a shootout.
Moneyline: Redskins(GASP!) at+205. I don't know why but I think they figure it out against the Romo's. FAU +380. #FUCKYOUCAKES

A slight change in scheduling next week as Iceman's College Football Takes will appear on Monday (while I am traveling) and the NFL Report will be on Tuesday.  Please mark your calendars.  This also means that Iceman gets to lead TWD Monday afternoon discussion.  BASTARD!

That's it for this week.  I'll be heading to the airport this morning to prepare for my first and last trip to Jerry World.  The Skins are 5.5 point underdogs.  I like us but that is me TOTES being a homer.  One thing is certain: if the Skins are going to contend this season, we will know on Sunday night.  Look for me on TV as I will be the stud chucking Mexicans off the upper deck.  Peace out, senors.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

We All Bleed Green And Yellow

Chinawoman
I don’t really have anything planned for today unless you want to talk about concussions (and you do not) so I thought that we could discuss the MLB playoffs for a little while as we wait for the final division series to be settled tonight. The stakes are obscenely fucking high tonight for all of us. I’d much rather spend the rest of the month just rooting against Jeff than having to spread out my hate to many different pieces of human garbage. Let’s throw out a few baseball hot takes (not to be confused with “Hot Cakes” which is when BradyCakes eats a McDonald’s Big Breakfast off of another man’s genitals).

Fuck the Braves – In either game one or game two in ATL, Larry Jones was to throw out the first pitch. None of the current Braves came out of the clubhouse to support him so he threw his pitch to the mascot. They were mad because Larry picked the Dodgers to win the series in 4 games. What a bunch of pussies. How dare he be 100% correct!

Kershaw on 3 days rest – I didn’t care for this move at the time and still think it was really and unnecessarily risky. I get the idea of wanting to end the series as early as possible but still. Asking dudes to do something in the playoffs that they have never ever done has never seemed like a smart idea to me. Oh well, the Dodgers are still going to win the pennant.

LOL Indians still – As a reminder, they scored the same amount of runs in the “playoffs” this year as the Astros did. And Seal is a cocksucker. Have a good bachelor party weekend though, bro-heeeeeeeem!

Fuck David Price – This guy is a douche. Two of the TBS analysts correctly call him out as being awful in game 2 and his response was to attack their playing career and lack of playing on Twitter. This goes back to what I talked about yesterday: just because someone didn’t play at the top level does not mean that they have no idea what they’re talking about. The Rays are going to trade Price this offseason. I hope that it is to the Nippon Ham Fighters. What a douche lord.

Relying on Young Power Arms – I am a big fan of this trend. It seems like a lot of teams are going to with heat over experience and it is TOTES the way to go. Between Michael Wacha, Gerrit Cole, Danny Salazer, and Sonny Gray, putting big arms in big spots is the right decision. Just because AJ Burnett has been there before doesn’t mean that he’s going to get people out. In fact, I KNOW that Burnett isn’t going to get any outs. At the time of me writing this, it sounds like Bob Melvin is leaning toward starting Bartolo Colon tonight which is a huge mistake. START GRAY! And if he already decided to do that, GOOD JOB PICKING GRAY!

Steroids – Yeah, they served their time but I still have a problem with Nelson Cruz and Jhonny Peralta making postseason rosters. It just doesn’t sit right. It’s going to bring bad karma eventually. That being said, Go Bartolo and Go A-Rod!!!

Come on, Athletics – You bunch of no-namers can do it. Jut Verlander has been average at best all year. He’s due for a shitty start. Just wait him out and he will fold. HE MUST FOLD. You have the power to make Ide and Galinski proud once more! End this bullshit. Send those rubes back to the hills where they belong. No one wants them here anymore. And if you fall short and thus choke against these guys again (although this would probably be the first choke technically), we will all blame Cakes for putting a curse on you. Which he TOTES did and has yet to apologize for. There will be plenty of time to run smack when it’s officially over. Don’t jump the gun and ruin it for everyone.

In conclusion, GO OAKLAND! CARRY THE FLAG! YOU ON! Fuck You, Cakes! FUCK DUT! SLOW SEAL! GIVE IT A REST!