Monday, September 30, 2013

The Worst of Week Four Vol.VII

Seems like an appropriate cake for me.
Apparently, it is all the rage these days to not play your sport when you are expected to.  We know about Derrick Rose and Braxton already, but now we're led to believe that the ultimate meathead, Gronk, is doing the same thing.  His dad is not happy that they had him play last year so he is sitting out for a few more weeks even though he has been practicing for weeks and has been cleared to play by the team doctor.  OK?  This is fucking stupid.  You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.

Along those same lines, I have been cleared to blog but since today is my birthday, I'm not going to put in much of an effort.  And can you blame me?  My life as a fan is still the absolute worst.  Let's get this over with.

Joe Flacco - 5 picks to those ball-hawking Bills!  Not ELITE!  Also, CJ Spiller still sucks.

Jay Gruden and Andy Dalton - Bros, your offense sucks.  How could you ruin Tonya's trip to the 216 like that?  As far as the Browns go, clearly Trent Richardson was the metaphorical pair of cement shoes that was holding the franchise back from achieving true greatness.  REALLY looking forward to that Bills/Browns game this Thursday.

Jay Catler - That's more like it.  That is the Cat that we know and love.  On the Lions, are we buying these guys?  I suppose that they always were a pretty good team as long as they don't turn it over and keep the personal foul penalties to a minimum.

Russell Wilson - This guy has been poop so far yet the Hawks are 4-0.  GAY.  Matt Schaub also sucks.  I always LOL when some dumbass like Herm will talk about how underrated Captain Boring is.  No, he's properly rated as an average at best QB/chronic masturbator.

ELITE Manning - QB heavy today!  Only turning the ball over 3 times qualifies as a great game for baby Elisha.  I know that everyone everywhere is saying this but I can't fucking believe that the Giants are THIS BAD.  They're making the Skins look like the Broncos.

Mike Tomlin's aviator sunglasses - 25% of the way to 0-16, BRAH!  Sorry, Grump, you will get no ribs from me.  Apparently, Mike Adams was absolute horseshit all day.  I wouldn't know since I wasn't about to watch these two teams.  But, then again, watching Jared "Real American" Allen abuse him for 3+ hours would have been great.

LOL Chip Kelly - Who's smirking like a smug prick now, you visor-wearing faggot?  I just love how this offense racks up major yards and then uses them on missed field goals.  This team is trash and just begging to go 5-11.  You watch, Chump is going to pull a Petrino on the Eagles and take the USC job.  HOT TAKE!

YEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!! - We finally won a fucking game!  I was so ready to hang myself once we hilariously fell behind to Matt Flynn 14-0 but we kept it together, realized LOL Matt Flynn, and dominated the final three quarters (not really but compared to the first three games, this was an ELITE performance).  The best part?  The NFC East is so fucking rotten that we're a game out of first place.  What I'm trying to say here is WE ARE SUPER BOWL BOUND YET AGAIN.  I'm going to have to do a little digging but the Skins seem to have an ELITE record on the weekend of my birthday.  HAIL YES!

Props to Jeffrey - Damn, after leading for most of the week, I fell victim to players sitting on Sunday and Jeff did not which allowed him to close strong and win the baseball league.  Second place isn't bad considering Jut Verlander was trying to sabotage my team all season and Coco Crisp was probably my best offensive player.  Jeff ($280) and Damman ($60), I will have your money...I don't know...some time.  If you want it now, give me some PayPal deeeeeets and I'll have it out this week.  Take notes, other commissioners of other leagues, this is how you do it.  You get the money up front and you pay immediately.  Looking at you, Lange/Dut.

FANTASY! - Eat my smelly dick, Seal.  4-0 in the MSFL.  The rest of the leagues are still to "Brees" decided.  I think I can go 3-1 this week which would be a fucking miracle.  Come on, Drew, it is my birthday.  How about four touchdown passes tonight, you know, for old time sake?

In conclusion, I am 33 years old.  No one cares.  But we all should care about the Breaking Bad finale last night.  Talk about it as early and as much you want to.  My early prediction is that Todd kills everyone and is named King of the World.  He'll let me me live though because I also love Americone Dream.  OH!  One more thing: Birthday Cake Oreos...'nuff said.  Get them now.

Friday, September 27, 2013

No More F'n Around; Let's Make Some Money

Well why the fuck not, COMRADE?
It is no secret that last week was one of the worst slate of games that a week of college football has ever produced. When UJerryConn (never forget) is playing in the ABC prime-time slot, you know that it’s bad. Now, we’ve argued about NCAA vs. NFL many times before and we won’t do it again because nobody is going to change anyone’s mind, but last week did a lot of damage to the position of those who prefer the college game. I really dislike that the schools get to pick their non-con opponents. It really is stupid. Unless you go undefeated, your STREMPH of schedule means little. And if you go undefeated playing the Little Sisters of The Gordon Gee, then no one cares about your season. There is almost zero benefit to schedule tough for 90% of the FBS schools. And that is why you see everyone loading up on the Presbyterians and Savannah States of the world. The Capital One Bowl doesn’t give a shit how Georgia got to ten wins because they want them anyway.

The fans are the ones being punished. Ohio Buckeye fans had to pay regular prices to watch the back-ups to the back-ups obliterate Rosa Parks University on Saturday. And that blows. No one wants to see that garbage. Uh oh, here comes the whining about how those big meanies from Vandy dropped us a few years ago and we couldn’t find anyone else. Save it. You’re full of shit. I’m not even blaming you anyway. Why do you always have to get so defensive? This has happened everywhere over the first month of the season. That’s why I would like to see all of the conference commissioners getting together and hammering out the schedules for their league members. No more 8 game home schedules. No more FCS garbage games for ANYONE. If you can’t get bowl eligible without FCS freebies then that’s your fault. Let’s get Alabama to leave the deep South for once. STOP LETTING THE SCHOOLS SET THEIR OWN SCHEDULES.

I still suck at picking spreads this year so the only way to rectify that is to throw more money at the problem, right? For the record, I took some heat for missing my Glory Hole last week and it is TOTES not my fault. Blame Tommy Tuberville and his pussified play calling. They should have won that game by 50. Ape is going to get to us later and I agree with him…KEEP THE FAITH like Bon Jovi. There are rumors floating around the backrooms and dive bars in Oxford, that Don’t Treadwell was told after the game Saturday that he will be fired. Lame duck horrible coach = money in the bank!

South Carolina -6.5 @ Central Florida – UCF burned me two weeks ago by walking out of Penn State’s RapeDome with a victory. I don’t care. A top ten SEC team with the possible #1 pick in the Draft going to a C-USA school and I don’t even have to give a touchdown? Sign me the fuck up.
Oklahoma -3.5 vs. Notre Dame – People aren’t talking about how the Sooners are actually pretty good this year. I credit Jim Ross. They didn’t forget about what the Irish did in their stadium last year. They get revenge tomorrow.
Arizona State -5.5 vs. USC – Lane Kiffin on the road? LOL!
Purdue +3.5 vs. Northern Illinois – I fully expect the Huskies to win but they always seem to beat the Big Ten schools on a last second field goal so I’ll take those points. Purdue is just biding their time until they beat Ohio anyway.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (now 1-2…BOOOOO!): Ball State -2.5 vs. Toledo – It’s seeming more and more likely that Matt Campbell was not a very good hire to replace Tim Beckman in the (gl)Ass City. Ball State is legit. I think I heard that UT’s QB got hurt last week. That might not be true. Whatever, I’m rolling with the school that shares the same city as Jerry Grgich’s timeshare.

Arizona +1 @ Tampa Bay – Mike Glennon is giving points? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Remember the Don Draper flashbacks where he is all gomer-y and working in the whorehouse. Glennon looks like flashback kid Draper. Not a compliment. The Honey Badger scores this week.
Chicago +2.5 @ Detroit – The Bears are good. The Lions are still a question mark to me. I’ll take them points since the Bears are the team that should be favored.
Houston +2.5 vs. Seattle – My upset special of the week (so you know that it won’t happen now!). Texans over Cockbags. Mr. Ace, give us your Hammers of the Week (Now at a robust 3-5! Nothing but the finest advice and analysis here, BRAHS!):

Yeah...last week didn't go well #Can'tGetRight. Bad beat with ULL and Brain Hoyer happened. But Leggo!
NCAA: I am going back to the safest bet in the book, bet against Miami(OH). Illinois is favored by 24.5. Cincy beat Miami(OH) by 14. Illinois beat Cincy 45-17. Illinois is coming off a bye. Miami is DEAD. Take Illinois -24.5. (ed. – Agreed…don’t doubt how bad we are; we are worse than you could possibly imagine)
NFL: Philadelphia vs. Denver OVER 57.5. I can't bring myself to bet against Philly, but I will definitely bet against their defense. Don't let that performance against the Chiefs fool you, Peyton Manning is going to TORCH the Eagles. Both of these teams play fast, so each team is going to get some extra possessions. I don't know if the altitude will make a difference, but I can see these defenses, especially the Eagles, getting worn down if the Eagles can manage to keep it close. Broncos are putting up at least 41. The Eagles can get to 20.
Moneyline: In the NFL I like the Chargers +120 to beat the Cowboys. Always love a home dog in the NFL.
In NCAA I like Tulane +390 against UL Monroe. Big odds here as Tulane is a 14 point dog. Tulane beat a better La Tech team on the road two weeks ago. And against Cuse they had two punts blocked, two field goals blocked, and muffed a punt return. Tulane isn't going to make those mistakes again. I like LSU +130 as well.
I NEED MONEY!!!

That will do it for this week. Stay tuned for Monday’s post when we celebrate the Indians failing, a Badgers victory, and my 33rd birfday. Weeeeeeee!!!

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Just Go Away! No One Wants You Here!

Sooooooo...he's sitting in a tub of diarrhea, right?
How great was yesterday? I mean, I really let loose and unloaded there. Some tried to challenge. They all failed. If these are the kinds of posts that come from none of my teams winning any football games this year then maybe there is a positive to dual winless seasons. Don’t worry, though, I’m done with #5 for the time being but I still want to keep the flames burning high and bright. Who else can we attack today to make myself feel better and to avoid giving myself a rest? Easy.

Fuck the Indians. Fuck this stupid little wild card chase that they are on. We, as Americans, have a tendency to gravitate toward the underdogs but the Indians are very unlikeable so no one is. That’s cute. The Pirates are America’s team this year. No one cares about anyone else. No one ESPECIALLY cares about the Believeland Windians. We haven’t done a list in a while. Let’s do a Top 5 Reasons Why “Fuck The Indians”.

5. Brady/Seal/Damman – I would prefer this Bermuda Triangle of annoying FB updates if they all just disappeared into the ether. But there they are—every fucking night—commenting to people who don’t want to be their friends any more about how Cabrera should stop grounding out to second because people care OBVZ. These three have hopped on and off the bandwagon so much this year that—ummmmm—HOMOS; THE LOT OF ‘EM! Count it! I want them to fail so badly because the reaction of these three would make me so happy. Let’s bring back JD Drew (JD Drooler?) and have him hit another soul-crushing grand slam!

4. Nice fans – This gets talked about a lot but the Windians have the worst fans in the game. More people came to RibFest in March than your average Indians home game.

3. Tom Hamilton – I don’t want to get into this again. He is abysmal. He hasn’t earned the right to call meaningful baseball games. He should be the Marlins radio guy for eternity. Or the Browns. That would be a fitting punishment.

2. They suck – Let’s dig a little deeper here: The Tribe are in the position that they are in today because they beat the piss out of bad teams. They have the best record in the league against garbage. There is nothing wrong with that. You can only beat who you play. But that’s the problem: they didn’t beat anybody. So why should we respect them/want to watch them in the postseason?

1. They suck - To piggyback off of #2, they can’t beat the Tigers or Red Sox. Not won’t beat them, but they CAN’T. They know this, too. And if you can’t beat either of my two least favorite teams then what is the point of getting there at all? Let Texas get in and see what these two shitball teams can do against Fuck Yu, Viva La Raza Garza, and Derek Dutch Oven. We KNOW that the Rangers can beat up the Tigers in October. Hmmm, that’s a good question: would you rather make the wild card game and lose or not make it and the Tigers lose in the Division Series? You better pick the latter.

I’m not going to make you admit that this is a total fluke season. You already know that. And I’m not asking you to apologize for exceeding expectations. But I am asking that you bow out of this race gracefully and let a better team in. It’s the least that you could do for America. Be nice and fold this weekend so that we can actually watch some interesting and good teams in the postseason. As the worst might say, “give it a rest”. Thanks! FUCK YOU, CAKES.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Let's Try This Again

Relevant
Iceman sort of stole my thunder (and sunshine…count it) yesterday when he made mention of the Ohio Buckeye QB “controversy”. I held off on my opinion because I still intended to write this anyway. Don’t worry, it’s not just a re-hash of what was said in the comments yesterday. For what it’s worth, if Miller can play, he plays. Period. I’m not one to agree with the Fuckeyes often but I’ll make an exception this time around for the sake of common sense. 5 is better than 13. 13 is good, but 5 has shown to be ELITE at times. These are FACTs.

One of the great things about running a terrific corner of the internet is that my opinions and thoughts are more important than yours. If this sounds arrogant it is because it’s true. I have the power and am way better looking than the rest. I don’t make up the rules, I just follow them. Why am I mentioning the obvious? Well, when I am right about something (happens a lot), I like to beat you all over the head with it until you recognize who the superior man is. Do you see where I’m going with this yet?

We all remember my tremendous investigative expose from a few weeks back chronicling the gaping pussy of Braxton Miller. It was a wonderful piece of journalism. My goal through it all was just to get the Ohio fans to admit that their stud QB was, in fact, a pussy. Other than Nate agreeing that Miller is soft, it turned into some backwoods hillbilly argument in which no one addressed the question at all and tried to answer questions that no one asked (a staple of Dut’s commenting). It was delightfully retarded. It was another easy win for G$. Where am I going with this again?

It was revealed on Monday that head coach and professional score runner-upper, Urban “King Buttfucker” Meyer, wanted Miller to play on Saturday against the Rattlers. The doctors cleared him. He was practicing all week. 5 likely wouldn’t have played more than a few series anyway, but going into your two toughest games of the season, it probably would have been preferred to get a little chemistry going against the all black school (except the punter!). Even though EVERYONE said that he was ready to go after his phantom slight knee sprain (remember how he hurt his knee when not touched below the neck…Wade tested; Wade approved), Miller declined. He sat out again stating that he wasn’t ready to go. Congratulations, Braxton, you are Derrick Rose and everyone respects your decision due to your extensive medical knowledge!

Again, your hero and boy toy told his coach that he didn’t want to play. What the hell are his teammates thinking about this act of cowardice?

He’s a pussy. This confirms it all. Still don’t believe me or want to believe the truth? If Urban didn’t agree that he is a gash then he wouldn’t have called him out on it on Monday. What’s the point of mentioning that he sat against doctors clearing him if you weren’t trying to send the message of “STOP BEING A PUSSY”. It’s the only explanation. Urb has had enough. If you can play, you play. This is why he doesn’t like to redshirt people. Apparently, Miller still hasn’t figured that out yet.

Let’s call his manhood into question for a minute: You always get minor injuries that most girls would shake off. Your replacement comes in and dominates. You are cleared to play. You don’t because apparently you know more than doctors. The momentum for Guiton to be the starter is gradually growing. When do you say, “Fuck this shit. I’m the GOAT. Get out of my way.”? In case he hasn’t noticed yet, he too is replaceable. Braxton Miller is a pussy. This is a goddamn FACT.

Why am I writing about this again, morons? What purpose does this serve, idiots? What am I trying to accomplish with this waste of a post, fucktards? It is just another friendly reminder that I was right all along and even the great Urban Meyer agrees. Braxton Miller is still soft. He is still a pussy. And so are all of you if can’t admit that. I’m giving you all ONE MORE CHANCE to right that wrong and come clean about #5. BOW DOWN.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

College Football Week 4


It's gonna be a long fucking year.



So this last weekend was pretty interesting for a multitude of different reasons.  We housed a bachelor/bachelorette party at our house for a couple who are apparently pretty tight with Wheelz.  I knew none of them so I got fucking gassed as quickly as possible by housing four 16 oz. margaritas in roughly 45-60 minutes.  Let me say this.  Joint parties are dumb as fucking shit.  Bachelor and Bachelorette parties are not meant to be shared because it's supposed to be your last chance to be a retarded jack ass without consequence before you spend the rest of eternity wondering what happened to your testicles.

Two notable things happened.  First, the bride to be showed me her tit.  Only one, which I found odd.  And it was bare tit.  Right in front of her husband to be.  It would have been real awkward if we all weren't Joe Namath drunk at that point.  But from what I remember, they were gross boobs so I was actually the big loser on that exchange.  Never thought I would type that sentence.

Second, the only cool guy in the group also didn't know anyone so it didn't take he and I long to team up.  He came with his girlfriend (the maid of honor) of two months.  And if he's smart, it will be his ex-girlfriend ASAP.  The first three months of a relationship is called the honeymoon period for a reason.  There aren't supposed to be any issues at all.  You actually do shit like care (kinda) about not blasting anal egg nukes in front of the person you're with.  So when the girl you've been dating for two months gets fucking shit housed and tells you to go die because you can't find a purse that SHE lost.  That is all the warning I need to bail.  Fucking nightmare.  Speaking of nightmares...let's get this over with.

I hate to disappoint all you Fuckeye fans for a second week in a row, but I will openly trash this Michigan team along with everyone else.  I refuse to defend fucking bums that play with zero pride.  Here's the thing...if nearly losing to a perennial shit bag team like Akron the week before isn't enough to wake your ass up, then it's not going to happen at all.  Michigan should have come in and blown the fucking tits off Uconn.  Instead they dicked around and found themselves with a two touchdown deficit and needing yet another miraculous comeback against a fucking rotten team while I tried finding the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle with my new friend, Jason.  Also a Michigan fan.  I know Prime and LS...Jack Daniels.  THE HORROR!!  Gardner looks like ass.  He's the fucking Giving Tree when it comes to ball security.  We can't run the ball.  And our O-line is getting dominated by guys who are barely good enough for Division I football.  This is not a very good football team and I wouldn't be shocked if this team lost 5 games this year.

So I guess people are pissed at Urban Meyer and the Fuckeyes for running it up on FAMU?  Why?  They were playing backups, right.  I mean, I assume they were since when I looked at the box score I saw about 20 names getting carries for Ohio.  I fucking hate everything Ohio and even I don't have an issue with the butt hollowing that happened Saturday.  Don't want the backups running it up on you?  Stop being a pussy bitch and fucking stop someone.  Or just keep whining like a cunt about it.  Shit...I don't care.  You're FAMU and people forget a lot of times that you're even there.  Be happy someone is talking about you for once.

I love it when football players are complete block heads.  A big round of applause out to Isaiah Battle for taking his last name literally and uppercutting a NC State player in the chin Saturday.  LULZ worthy.  OBVZ he was suspended.  Watching him go into straight fucking gangsta street mode was absolutely tremendous.  Almost as good as Swinney chastising Battle in front of everyone like a 12-year old.  But to be fair, that's probably Battle's reading level.  Count it.

Michigan State was the worst 3-0 team in the country before Saturday.  BARELY beating out the Wolverines for that fucking dubious distinction.  Seriously...is there a more boring, unwatchable team in the country?  Watching the Spartans on offense is like watching 80 and over porn.  I'm assuming Conner Cook is playing because every other option at QB in East Lansing died.  Or is dying.

Jeff Driskel broke his ankle.  Does anyone care?  Doubt it.  That should give you an idea of just how boring the rest of these games were outside of Michigan almost losing to yet another team with zero wins.

So I'll end with this.  A little discussion heading into this weekend.  I heard today on the radio from Mouth Breather Lachey and Molecular Genetics Krenzel that URBZ has named Braxton Miller his starter for this weekend's game verses Wisconsin.  My take on this?  Fucking dumb.  If you're looking to absolutely ruin a kid why not just go for broke and prison rape the dude's mother right in front of him? Guiton has done more than enough to earn the start against Wisconsin.  All Braxton Miller has done is work on his kegel exercises in a hospital bed.  Guiton should be your starter, no questions.  If not to respect the guy for working his ass off and helping your offense not lose a beat, how about to avoid total disaster?  Ohio usually struggles against Wisconsin, right?  So instead of starting and playing the guy who has been killing it the last two weeks in a game you can't afford to struggle in...you go with a guy who can't stay on the field and who will have rust thicker than Tonya's mustache.  Let's see if she still religiously reads.  Anyway...it's too risky in my opinion and very dumb.  You're relying on a guy who hurts himself shaving his pussy lips while at the same time mentally destroying a guy who has been the reason the offense has been deep thrusting opponents.  I'm curious to what the Ohio fans think about this move.  That's all I've got, losers.  Keep remembering today how OVERRATED Mike Tomlin is.  Toodles!

Monday, September 23, 2013

The Worst of Week 3 Vol.VII

Pretty much.
I don't even know why I care anymore.  None of the people that I root for every week make me proud.  I used to look forward to my football-filled weekends.  Now, I can't wait to get back to work on Monday morning because it means that my teams won't lose on those days.  The highlight of my weekend was taking out the garbage and agreeing with Grump that "there is no way that we're going to score".  BIG WEEKEND FOR ME!  All of my fantasy teams are "meh" at best.  Being a sports fan is the absolute worst.  I should start going to art galleries or reading instead of the absolute waste of time that my football teams are this year.  French impressionism seems a little less worthless than French wide receivers.  Seriously, someone kill me.  Let's get this post over with.

Dom Tiber-----NO.  YOU ARE NOT GOING THERE, FUCKER.  I don't care how mad you are at sports.  You are not going there.

Von Miller - Bullying the piss handlers, eh?  Bold move.  It's probably easier than "not taking drugs".

Aldon Smith - A DUI AND drugs at 7 AM!  The 49ers are going to get him help...after the Colts game though because PRIORITIES!  Athletes are so dumb.  UPDATE: HE GONE!  His locker was apparently cleaned out after the game and he is suspended indefinitely!  Again, WHY WAS HE PLAYING???  Fuck Jimmy BRAH.  You pull that shit, you deserve to get strong-armed at home by ChuckStrong.  Anyone else see T-Rich score?  The numbers weren't all that great but he'll be fine.  Browns still lost that deal.  Never forget that.

Johnathan Franklin - He had a pretty solid game as a replacement for the always injured Jimmy Starks but then he unloaded a game-losing fumble-six to give the Bingles a HUGE win.  Total Johnny Callaway move.  Although I doubt that he has ever dropped any balls before.  Tight grip on them jewels!

James Laurinaitis - Why is it that DeMarco Murray is only a decent NFL player against the Rams?

Marmalard Rivers - Name something more funny yesterday than Phil's lateral kick on the final play of the game?  You can not.  Such a dainty man, that Rivers.  AND he pushed a ref!  ABSTINENCE!

The New York Giants - It seems pretty obvious that the Jaguars are destined to go 0-16 this year but the Giants might actually be the worst team in the league.  They are fucking rotten.  I'm pretty close to taking away Eli's ELITE status.  Still better than his brother.

The Browns Getting Their Next Franchise QB - Leave it to these nobodies to indirectly announce that they are tanking the rest of the season and then winning.  They can do nothing right.  But don't worry: Greg Little and Josh Gordon are available!  WE WANT BEN TATE!  Ben Tate solves ALL problems.  Only the Browns can lose big time after winning.  BradyCakes Lombardi-Banner has deemed that this is all part of the plan though!!!

Robert Griffin The Turd - Jesus Christ, who loses to the Lions?  The Lions are a shitty team that is poorly coached and you let them win because you failed to make any plays.  I'm talking about the RG3 scramble and dive/fumble (fucking pathetic) and the Aldrick Robinson TD bomb that he didn't hang on to.  Detroit was BEGGING to lose but you would absolutely not stand for that.  Brian Orakpo might be having the worst contract year of any upcoming free agent ever.  I almost wish that last year never happened because it is making this season hurt so much more.  Can't wait to lose to the Raiders next Sunday!

Ed Reed - Nice homecoming.  Way to stick it to your old team, bruh.  Houston should be 0-3.

Marshawn Lynch - Score twice against the 49ers and their defense of drunk drivers.  Score never against the Panthers and Jags.  FIX YO CONSISTENCY.

Kyle Wilson - It's not very often where you can see a guy get penalized on four straight plays but the horrible Jets CB did it yesterday. To make me feel even worse, the Jets are 2-1.  Ugh.

CJ Spiller - Left the game early with a pussy knee!  Owning Iceman in all arguments is about the only thing that I have left in this world.  AND THE BLUE JACKETS BRO!

Phins To The Left!  Phins To The Right! - OH MY GOD The Dolphins and head coach, Jim Tichy, are 3-0.  And this is a legit 3-0.  Can we get another labor strike going to end this season already?  I HATE THIS SEASON.

FANTASY! - Every single one of GSaul's losers (Stephen Hill?) scored against me in the LFL but I suppose I still have a chance.  I beat FagNasty in the MSFL (3-0!) because everybody is going to do that.  His first name should be ByeWeek.  ByeWeek FagNasty.  Losing to Ide in the G$FL is drawing me even closer to Twitter.  And I'm probably dropping to 0-3 in my OTHER LEAGUE.   Did I mention that my wagering has been shitty so far?  I am a king among men.

The only saving grace from this horrible 3 week stretch of anti-ELITE is that I DOMINATED Dut in the semis of the fantasy baseball league. Now the only thing standing between me and becoming the only two time champion is The Original Grogsta, Jeff.  I hope that he looked at what I'm doing as every one of my pitchers is going against the Cubs, Astros, or some other bottom-feeder and I'm going to unload Billy Hamilton up his ass.  I already have this won.  But, really, fuck football.  At least we got some prime time Terrelle Pryor tonight.

Friday, September 20, 2013

It Gets Better. LOL Just Kidding

What do you think this guy has been up to over the last two days?
I don’t know about you guys, but I still can’t wrap my head around what the Browns are doing/did. I mean, I get that the new “genius” regime didn’t draft Trent Richardson, but on a team that has been bereft of any talent over the last decade, wouldn’t it make sense to keep the highest graded running back from the past ten drafts not named Adrian Peterson? Are you implying that your offense has no use for this man’s skill set? Norv Turner sucks but he isn’t that bad or dumb. How do you only get one mid-to-low first round pick for him? If you are going to trade the guy after week 2, shouldn’t you let him know instead of him hearing about it on the radio? So many questions and we will never get any answers that make sense.

Ape was absolutely right yesterday when he commented how the nuclear meltdown of all Browns fans on Facebook (and likely Twitter, too) was just the bee’s knees. So many curse words! While being kicked in the nuts daily is par for the course for Browns fans, this kick seemed especially harmful. It’s as if this kick came via a diamond-toed boot from your hillbilly crook Steelers fan owner. Wednesday’s move has seemingly pushed these people over the edge. I’ve read things about being done with the team to fuck these assholes to I’m changing allegiances. Here’s the thing about that though:

You can’t. It is against the law. Once you pick a team as a young scamp, that is your team forever whether it was a good decision or not (and as we all have come to realize, it usually is a bad selection). You made the choice at one point in your life to back the orange and poop. Unfortunately, you are stuck with that choice until the bitter end. There are ways out, but you blew it already. The team left you once and only then would you be permitted to change. But you came back. You ALL did. And now you’re stuck. Forever.

I say this because I have two Facebook friends who both said that they were now Seahawks fans (and Ide is apparently considering this as well because he wants to have carnal relations with Kempton 22). Sorry but no. First of all, you can’t just jump your fandom from worst in the league to arguably the best. That’s too many steps to jump. Don’t worry though because no one is accepting your switch anyway. Again, the Browns are YOUR TEAM. You made the choice to be miserable 98% of the time. The world needs ditch diggers, too. You can ignore them. You can be negative about everything that they do. You can show up to their games in a leather gimp suit. But you can’t throw them away and start over. That isn’t how this works.

We all have a black sheep team that we support. A team that will always let us down and cause us nothing but embarrassment. A team that does its best to crush our hopes and dreams every season. But that is kind of the charm of rooting for a loser. The hope (even at its most faint) will always be there. You eat all the shit all the time for that one chance that they make you proud. The chase is what makes being a fan great. Winning all the time is good, but it ain’t that much fun. I know that the last thing that you Browns fans want is another rebuild, but here you go again. Don’t blame a horrible organization for being horrible. Blame yourself for picking them to be your team a coon’s age ago.

I was absolutely atrocious on the gambling front last week as my only wins came via miracle backdoor Johnny Football cover and Rusty Dubs. I’m taking a break from acting like I’m smart with just one pick to click this weekend:

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (1-1): Cincinnati -22 @ Miami University. I will be at this game tomorrow. Well, I’ll be at the first half. It is a mortal lock that I will be gone at halftime (also a good way to treat a loser team…early exits). I will spend more time TailGREATing than I will inside Fred C. Yager. As I commented on Tuesday, the RedHawks are currently dead last in the nation in offense and defense. If you aren’t betting the mortgage against them then why even gamble at all? What say Mr. Ace?

(Season record: 3-3 although he shouldn't be taking credit for Louisville since the line when we posted this was over 14...typical liberal vegan media)
NCAA: ULL -7 vs Akron. ULL will destroy Akron. Akron is bad. If Michigan would have beat the handily like they should have this spread would be 14.
NFL: Minnesota -6 vs Browns. LOCK THIS THE FUCK UP. The Browns are starting a CFL level QB and traded their only decent skill position guy. All of their players Twitters are saying how shocked they are by this move. Cleveland will roll over early and Minny will roll.
Moneyline: I missed badly on BG last week, but lead you in the right direction regarding UCLA. For this week there isn't a whole lot out there that I feel great about. If I have to pick one ML...I have no idea, but I will give you 3 that I will be placing some money on; Marshall +250 vs VT, Lions +110 vs Redskins and Bills +125 vs Jets.
I also kind of like the Skins to beat the Lions. If I recall, the Lions have still never won in DC (might not be true anymore). The Lions are trash and we aren’t this bad. At least I hope not. We can't be.  I won't allow it.  See you on Monday where hopefully Drooler will come back from Boston in a hearse.  Meet up tomorrow, Grump???

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Waving The White Pinstriped Flag

THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!!!
As a fan of The New York Yankees, I am generally considered to be a member of the most knowledgeable and classiest fan bases in all of sports. We always treat our opponents with the utmost respect while packing our home stadium to the rafters with the world’s best fans. 2013 has been an interesting season for our beloved Yankees, though, as you all probably know by now. It has been a perplexing jaunt that has left many of my brethren scratching their chin strap beards in bewilderment. This “Word of the Day” toilet paper is really paying off.

I write this on Wednesday afternoon and while I will not adjust the post based on what happens on the diamond later this evening, my sentiment remains the same. Much like what Li’l Strut will be doing a few months from now on Election Night, today I raise the white flag and deliver the concession speech on behalf of the New York Yankees.

If you recall, I said before the season even saw its first pitch that I would absolutely not use injuries as an excuse for poor play. And while it would be easy to do so considering that it was even worse than I could have possibly imagined in my worst nightmare, I still won’t do it. Loser teams use excuses. Winners admit that they fell short and move on. After getting shutout on Tuesday night by past female babysitter rape victim, RA Dickey, and losing the underrated Brett Gardner for the year a few days prior, it’s just not going to happen. You don’t have to be a Chinaman to know that 3.5 games out with 11 to play is bad math.

The strange thing about this season is that I’m kind of proud of the team. They hung in there for a long time when they should have folded. If anything, the New York Yankees in 2013 were pretty much underdogs which is a very weird thing to say. With what has happened, there is no way that they should still be hanging around. But they are and it is a testament to the character of the team and how good of a job Unfrozen Caveman Manager has done. Other than Cano, Mariano, D-Rob, Nova, Kuroda, Gardner, and a rejuvenated Soriano, everyone else has been rotten garbage. Mark Teixeira has a wider pussy than Braxton Miller. Derek Jeter had more DL trips than hits. A-Rod was only ELITE at trolling Bud Selig. Granderson is just a platoon player these days. Vernon Wells LOL. I don’t know what the hell happened with Sabathia but he’s pitching less like an ace and more like Tom Ace (ELITE Pet Detective reference). Hughes and Joba were once the future of the team and now I’d be willing to help them move out of town. We have had at least 50 guys on the team this year that were cut by the Indians. Needless to say, there has been way more bad than good which makes it even more bizarre that they are still barely alive.

I am OK with not making the postseason since they would probably lose the wild card game anyway due to no #1 starter and that is just as bad as not making it. But at the same time, I still wanted to get there. Yet I can spend an entire winter stewing over the two main reasons why they are playing golf early and ruining the Mariano Rivera retirement tour: got swept by the Mets and got swept by the White Sox. That’s inexcusable. THAT is why you sit at home. I’m not even going to start going into the three or four miracle losses handed down to us by the Boston Awful Beards. Also: my sister went to two games this year and got to see two blown Mariano saves (which is sort of amazing). This season is TOTES on her.

So all that is left for me to do over the next week and a half is to cherish and embrace the final appearances by Mo. I can do that. That will be enjoyable. I suppose that I can also root against the Indians since they have proven that they can’t beat the teams that I require them to beat. You can’t beat Boston or Detroit. DEAL WITH IT and let some teams that can get in. Seriously, just go away. No one wants you here. And for the second day in a row, Fuck the Tigers.

With all of that said, we Yankees fans are solemn today but we will rebound. We are a resilient bunch due to our high character. Unless we let Cano walk in the offseason which would be the dumbest thing ever. After all, the last time that we missed the playoffs (once in the last 20 years, fuckos), we came back the next year with a Series title (Tigers fans don’t know what these are…they only hoard AL Championship rings). What I’m trying to say here is that OBVZ we will win the World Series next year. And Fuck the Tigers and Red Sox.

One more thing: The Browns traded Trent Richardson to the Colts.  HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE WORST ORGANIZATION EVER.  Just move the team.  There is no hope.  I feel nothing but deep sorrow for all of you poor bastards that chose this god awful franchise as your own.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Shame On You, America

I AM A CELEBRITY IN DETROIT!!!
We’re going to take a break from the usual football chatter today to discuss an issue that is near and dear to my black heart. I don’t normally like to defend those that I loathe, but I am an American hero first and thus stand for civil liberties and the tenets of the US Constitution. Rock, flag, and eagle BROS! I know one thing is certain and that is that we are currently seeing a gross injustice inflicted on America in downtown rubble-filled Detroit, Michigan.

If you have watched one inning of a Detroit Tigers home game over the past decade plus then you know who I am talking about. There is one man who stands out among all. One man who is more of a staple and embodiment of Tigers Baseball than Justin Verlander’s never-ending white trashiness. That man is the only person in the state who can drown out the horrible voice of Rod Allen. I am talking about Charley Marcuse AKA The Singing Hot Dog Guy. And he is being screwed by a bunch of limp dick ‘suptards.

Marcuse was fired by Delaware North Sports Services on September 6th after 15 years of service. They hid behind the excuse of “general employee conduct” whatever that means. But we all know why this fine American is out of a job, don’t we? Of course we do. The man had a platform and a moral code and would not compromise his integrity for Little Susie Swallowthroat sitting in section 118.

The Singing Hot Dog Vendor is staunchly anti-ketchup. He won’t give it out. Hell, he doesn’t even carry it. Marcuse openly mocks and ridicules people who ask for it. He correctly believes that any sub-human that asks for it should be ejected from the park. He is pro-mustard—the way that our forefathers ate their hot dogs. Trashball people complained about it (apparently…as he had been doing this for a long time) and the Vending Company fired him over it. Yes, the most famous vendor in all of baseball was fired because of ketchup.

Now, obviously, I am 100% devoted to this man’s cause because ketchup is an abomination and an affront to God. He deserves a silver star for this act of patriotism; not a trip to the sprawling Detroit unemployment line. If people who put catsup on their dogs are the biggest pussies in the world (and they are), then why are we letting them win? Why are vaginas defeating America? Where is the fucking team at to step in and big time this shithead company? How hard would it be to say “Uh, no, Marcuse ain’t going anywhere because our teeth-optional fans love him”? The Tigers are the ketchup-iest team in all the land. They may be going to the postseason again, but they don’t deserve any happiness for letting Charley be pushed around by The Ketchup Party (400 times worse than The Tea Party, Grump).

So I just wanted to take a little time to congratulate Charley Marcuse on defending this great nation from terrorist threats. I don’t agree with you when it comes to the team that you support, but I will always be on your REAL team AKA Team Mustard. Do you ketchup eaters see what you’re doing to this country? You’re costing great men their jobs and weakening our line of defense just because you don’t comprehend how to properly eat. You assholes make me sick. So please remember this sad story the next time that you slather an American classic in your extraneous tomato shit: you are funding and supporting terrorism.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

College Football Week 3


This has nothing to do with anything.  It was just too hilarious to leave out.



So my actual birthday was this past weekend and I celebrated it in the usual fashion.  A weekend bender while watching as much football as my eyes could absorb.  The hangovers were 2 of the best I've ever had as I got fucking ripped.  Wheelz was at her cousin's train wreck of a bachelorette party in Put In Bay for both nights so I drank like I was 19 again.  The stories she brought back from PIB were pretty magnificent.  The only thing I have to say is why be in a relationship if you don't act like you want to be?  And when you say, "I didn't do anything wrong" around 8 times...who are you trying to convince?  And no...it wasn't Wheelz.  Just some sluts she's friends with.  Bitches be whores, yo.  On to the action.

Might as well address the topic first that everyone wants to flap their cunts about today.  I won't make any excuses for the bathtub abortion Michigan put on the field Saturday.  It was bad.  Embarrassing.  Fucking shameful.  It almost felt like a loss even though it wasn't.  The only positive I can take away from this game is that no one will remember what happened in 5 years.  Once the shock wears off it'll just show up as a win.  Just like when the Buckeyes nearly got beat by BGSU back in like 2004...or whatever year that was.  I've never been more pissed during a Michigan game as I was Saturday.  When the last second fell off the clock, I had about 30 different emotions coursing through my body all at once and had no idea what to do with myself.  So I just started punching a cardboard box sitting next to me as hard as I could for about 10 full seconds.  Proud moment in my life right there, gents.  Then I got fucking blasted so I could forget that shit ever happened.  Michigan football is going to kill me one of these days.

Ignore what you see in the box score from Devin Gardner.  He played a fucking terrible game from start to finish no matter how decent it may look on paper.  I'm not sure what was worse.  Gardner's performance or Borges dick face play calling.  Gardner made shitty reads, under threw receivers, never had rhythm and was loose with the ball.  Sure...he had 350 yards of offense and 3 scores.  But he also turned it over 4 times and threw ANOTHER mind numbingly horrid pick six.  And what the fuck was Borges doing?  What do you do when Akron has proven they can't stop the run?  Keep throwing the ball, right???  /fart noise.  For being such a smart guy, Borges can be a real turd brain sometimes.  I still think Gardner is a good quarterback and has the tools to win games but the fucking turnovers have got to stop.  Like...fucking now.

Alabama Texas A&M was just as good as advertised Saturday.  I thought Saban's neck was going to explode while watching Juan Futbol mount a comeback that fell just short.  My seething hatred for Ol' Johnathan grew even more on Saturday.  There were a handful of plays where Manziel was sprinting around avoiding tacklers and would just heave up a fucking prayer into quadruple coverage.  Then his receiver would make the grab and bail his ass out...pan to Manziel grinning like a dipshit or giving the Miley Cyrus tongue hang out like he fucking planned it that way.  Verne Lundquist and his 70 year old skin spotted boner didn't help the cause (I'm pretty sure it was Verne that did that game).  Verne was talking about Manziel like he was A.J. McCarron's big tittied hot as fuck girlfriend.  As much as Manziel was responsible for that comeback he was equally responsible for A&M losing.  He threw some DUMB passes in crucial moments that resulted in turnovers that ended up being the difference.  Basically what I'm saying is I hope someone dumps a bucket of Peter King's diarrhea on Manziel's head.

The best part of Ohio vs. Cal was getting a text from Damman after the Fuckeyes went up 21-0 that read, "This is how you step on the throat of an opponent."  Literally 10 minutes later Cal was within 10 and it was a ball game again.  Shortly after I got "May have opened my mouth too soon."  Love it when Fuckeyes start to get mouthy only to have the opponent shut their mouths for them.  The second best part was watching Kenneth Guiton outplay Braxton Miller for a second straight week.  THEN listening to Fuckeye fans screaming about benching Braxton Miller when he's healthy for Guiton.  LULZ!  Fuckeyes be Fuckeyes.

Wisconsin lost to ASU because they deserved to.  Not whatever anyone else is saying if they are trying to make excuses for that bonehead fucking play.  And what Not Rusty Wilson QB did the play before was a fumble so they actually lost twice.  Every Wisconsin QB from here on out should just be referred to as Not Rusty Wilson since he only played one season and is the best QB that corn fed hillbilly school has had and ever will have.  But you still keep recruiting Scott Tolzien clones to claw your way through your average schedule every year, Wisconsin.

JERRY KILL REFUSES TO DIE!  Holy shit sacks!  Another seizure?!?!  Is this dude living on borrowed time or what?  For a guy who sounds like a real grade A cocksucker, the Lord above really does seem to have an infatuation with Jerry and special love for him.  Shit...maybe the Devil is keeping him alive to do his work on earth.  Who knows?!  One thing is for certain...one of these days Jerry Kill will die on a football field.  Absolutely no doubt in my mind.

Texas SUX and Mack Brown is going to lose his job soon in case anyone cares.  I doubt anyone does.

Lousiville and Stanford are both in the top 10.  I just realized this yesterday when figuring out how far Michigan dropped in the standings because they couldn't blow out a team they were favored by 37 against.  A team that's something like 3-40 in their last 4 seasons.  A team that has lost their last billion fucking road games.  Good for Louisville and Stanford, I guess.

Looks like pulling shit out of their asses finally caught up with Nebraska.  I didn't watch any of this game but I kinda wish that I had.  Anytime I can witness Bo Pelini pacing the sidelines like a crazed lunatic looking like he's about ready to go on a violent murder rampage is a good day.  I bet even Bo Pelini's family can't stand that fucking piss bag.

There you go, kids.  Say what you want about Michigan today since I'm sure that's what people will latch on to anyway.  It won't bother me and it's not anything I haven't already heard in the two days so go nuts, I guess.  It's a performance that cannot and will not be defended.  HEY!  Let's see if we can get Seal V. Drew part 2 in the comments section today.

Monday, September 16, 2013

The Worst of Week Two Vol.VII

You make 8 figures per year, Aaron.  Fly first class.
If you know me at all, you know that I am the kind of stud that reads way too much into harmless things.  Let's analyze that new horrible State Farm commercial featuring Aaron Rodgers and The Super Fans.  First of all, way to be timely, State Farm.  Da Bears hasn't been a relevant comedic tool in 15 years.  I have numerous questions about this awful ad:
*Why is Aaron Rodgers flying coach?
*Why is Aaron Rodgers riding bitch in coach?
*Why is Aaron Rodgers just getting to his seat when the plane is already in the air?
*Where was he during takeoff?
*Is there a worse person than that fat idiot Cheesehead?
*Why is he hanging on the wing?
*Is this how all Packers fans fly?  It is, isn't it?
*Most importantly, I will be on a plane in a month so can I upgrade to "grill class"...whatever that means?

Horrible commercial.  Fuck State Farm.  Fuck that lardo Packers fan.  Fuck Aaron Rodgers.  Let's get on with week two's worst:

Mike Mayock - Thursday night football games are almost always unwatchable as this past one was, but I would appreciate it if the normally good Mayock would stop making excuses for Tom Brady.  He spent the entire game blaming everyone but the guy throwing the ball and it was annoying.  Face it, Brady was poor on Thursday.  Any moron knows that you shouldn't be throwing back shoulder passes to Aaron Dobson who is playing in his first game.  That was just dumb.  You're allowed to say that.

Brandon Meriweather - You know what, he's on my team and all that, but fuck this guy.  Quit trying to give opposing players kill shots.  That is such a cocksucker play and you deserved to get concussed yourself.  Stop leading with your stupid fucking head.  As far as the Skins go, Jesus titty-fucking Christ are they bad or what?  They look worse than the Jags.  It serves me right to actually have high expectations.  I should have known better than trust a franchise that has been shit for two decades.  The "defense" is on pace to be the worst of all time.  OVER SIX HUNDRED YARDS OF OFFENSE for the Packers!  The "offense" only shows up when down by 30 points.  My Guy Kai is hurt.  This is really, really bad.  I can only imagine what Fat Ass Stafford is going to do to this team next week.

Steven Jackson - Way to stick it to your old team, you goat.  No rushing yards and an injury!  Just like what he used to do in STL!  And THAT is the Jared Cook that I remember!

Whoever #20 is on Carolina - Good finish in Buffalo between two shitty teams and that winning touchdown to Stevie J was just amazing.  The guy covering him, #20, just stopped playing.  What was he doing?  The Redskins have me in a deep depression right now but that made me smile.  GO BILLZ!

Jay Catler - One of the ESPN wonks said it best that Cutty was equal parts incredible and awful yesterday.  Meow!

Andrew Luck - It sort of makes me sick that the Colts always need these comeback wins to beat garbage teams.  Now, the Dolphins appear to be pretty frisky this year (2 road wins!), but I still expected The Cookie Monster to do something insane to win anyway.  Fuck him.

The Houston Texans - Another miracle win over a bad team for the Texans but you must give them credit for making yesterday's game a White Out.  NO BLACKS ALLOWED.  They make the list today though for having Vanilla Ice perform his music at halftime.  Way to know what the people want, Texans!

T-Bone Romo - He probably should have had 9 interceptions yesterday.  I include him here because in my OTHER LEAGUE, he is my starting QB and in both weeks, my opponent's QBs have each thrown for over 400 yards and 4 touchdowns.  I deserve to get crushed weekly for riding T-Bone.

DAT CHIP KELLY DERPFENSE - Fuck this smirking, visored asshole.  Apparently, the genius isn't smart enough to figure out how to beat the fucking Chargers at home.  I'm glad that they got their turds pushed in by a rotten team because they deserve it.  Fuck you, Ape.  Nice advice.  When are you going to start giving out winners?  It's nice to know that the Eagles are just as bad as we remember them.  Now, they're just more fun to watch...lose.  If you haven't noticed, I am in such a piss poor mood.  Butt-hurt doesn't even begin to describe my mental state.

Joe Flacco's newborn baby! - Whatever.  The Browns are the least watchable team in the league and no one else is even close.  I have nothing to say about this game because RedZone never went to it. If you suck, at least be fun to watch.  The Browns aren't even remotely fun to watch.  FIRE CHUD!

Mikel Leshoure SR. - Apparently, this bad running back is going to ask for a trade out of Detroit.  That's what teams want: shitty players who aren't wanted by below average teams.  I have nothing much to say about the Cards/Lions game except that I think that Reggie Bush got hurt which is even sooner than we all anticipated.

Jag Fag Hags - Who the hell designed those helmets?  Those things are total butt.  And there's a good chance that Jacksonville will go 0-16.  Congrats on your first win, longtime reader Terrelle Pryor!!!

Eli Manning - Look who leads the league in interceptions after four more beauties yesterday!  We all know that these regular season Manning Bowls don't mean dick because regular season glory is nothing compared to Super Bowl titles.  Eli > Peyton 4 Life

Brandon Jacobs - Holy shit, did you see how fat this guy is!!!  Speaking of worthless running backs...

Mark Ingram - I don't know why the Saints keep throwing this turd out there and hoping that one day he gets it.  He isn't going to and he never will.  Just admit that you made a draft day error, cut his ass, give his carries to the superior Tiny Darren and Pierre, and move on.  Mark Ingram is the worst player in the league.

Josh Freeman - Hey look!  It's another guy who wants to be traded ASAP!  It's too bad that he is one of the worst starting QBs in the league.  Seriously, who is going to call the Bucs and offer them anything for Freeman?  It's OK, though, because Dut thinks he's good.  Actually, there you go, Josh Freeman to the Browns!!!

FANTASY!!! - It looks like I will be beating Dut in the LFL because he sucks.  It's up in the air vs. Damman in the MSFL (go Gio and AJ tonight!).  G$FL is up in the air, too.  I got killed for the second week in a row in my OTHER LEAGUE.  This is not the start that I wanted.

Well, that will do it.  It will make me feel a little bit better if the Bengals won by 50 tonight.  Either way, I will likely spend the rest of the Fall and early Winter in a terrible mood because my favorite teams are so bad.  That should lead to some good bloggin'.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Time To Nut Up or Shut Up, Johnny F and SabeCakes

That's pretty funny.
We didn’t have to wait long for college football to dump the Game of the Year on us, did we? I couldn’t be more excited for tomorrow afternoon’s villain vs. villain matchup in College Station. The only thing that scares me about this clash is knowing that I will have to listen to Gary Danielson for 3+ hours and that blows. Nick Saban and Johnny Football part deux…awesome.

While much will be said about whether or not SabeCakes can slow down Commander Autograph, the game will be won or lost on the opposite sides of the ball. Alabama may have hung 35 on Fake Neck Beamer two weeks ago, but the offense had very little to do with that. It was terrible. However, the Aggie defense couldn’t stop me this season. They got torched by Rice and gave up over 200 on the ground to Sam Houston State last week. I would imagine that TJ Yeldon will have a field day tomorrow. He should rack up 200 yards himself easily. But that might not be enough if Manziel is on top of his ELITE troll game. Another win over SabeCakes and the rest of those hill people would be the ultimate F-You to all the haters out there. Don’t underestimate his troll skills. The line on this game is either Alabama -7.5 or -8 depending on where you look. It doesn’t matter to me.

I’m taking the points here if you are demanding that I wager (I probably will not). You’re telling me that if this game were played on a neutral field, the Tide are 11 points better than the Aggies? Fuck that. I’ll take a greater than a touchdown home dog with the Heisman trophy winner any day. I do think that Bama will win, but not by that much. Let’s say for the sake of predicting…Alabama wins 31-29. How about some other good bets for the weekend?

Louisville -14 @ Kentucky – I saw firsthand last week that UK blows. This might be the last time all year that you don’t have to give four touchdowns to win with Teddy B.
Rutgers -27 vs. Eastern Michigan – I’m riding the EMU Sucks Train until it derails and kills us all.
Boston College +14 @ USC – USC proved last week that they aren’t two touchdowns better than anyone. BC’s team motto this year is “BE A DUDE”…ok?
Penn State -5.5 vs. Central Florida – My guess here is that the crowd noise alone is worth a touchdown for the home team. And I’m starting to think that PSU might be underrated.
Illinois +9.5 vs. Washington – I think that this game is in Chicago. I don’t know why I mentioned that. The Illini are flying high after ending the life of UC QB Munchie Legaux last week (that was nasty). I don’t think that they will win but this should be a good game.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (1-0!) Kansas State -39 vs. UMass – There is no MAC on MAC violence this weekend which is a damn shame so we might as well just bet against the one team that might be worse than the RedHawks. The Minutemen are AWFUL and Bill Snyder learned his lesson from the North Dakota State game. This has 63-7 written all over it.

It’s underdog week in the NFL!
Washington +8 @ Green Bay – It wasn’t the start that I had hoped for but there is no team in the league 8 points better than us.
Dallas +2.5 @ Kansas City – I buy Andy Reid less than I buy T-Bone Romo.
Pittsburgh +7.5 @ Cincinnati (MNF) – The Steelers are low on talent and healthy players, but they are still a proud team who won’t get blown out on a nationally televised game.

Who’s ready for Mr. Ace’s Hammer of the Week? The man is now 2-2 on the season and I’m going to start allowing him to make a college and a pro hammer (but his moneylines will not count toward his record). He’s got some good ones this week.
NCAA: Louisville -11.5. I know this line has already got up to 13, but I got on it Sunday night. ME>U
NFL: Eagles -7. This is not a homer pick. The Chargers just had their urethra ripped out Monday night and now they have to travel to the east coast for a 1PM start against an offense that is trying to crank out 100 plays a game. Chargers get overwhelmed.
MONEYLINE: Bowling Green at Indiana. I was between BG and UCLA here. Ultimately I have to give the nod to BG because they were able to contain a good Tulsa offense and Indiana doesn't appear to even have a defense.

That will do it. Before I go, big props to my dad for crossing off a bucket list item this weekend as he and my mom are going up to Lambeau Field on Sunday to watch the Skins hopefully not fall to 0-2. It’s a trip that I’ve always wanted to make (and I assume most of you would say the same). Hopefully it ends up better for them than it did for The Torg though who went up there and then came back with no health insurance and the worst blog ever. Torg still sucks. As a final reminder, the RedHawks are off this weekend but don’t forget to start betting against them every week starting next week.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Open Forum: The Oklahoma State Expose

I had no idea that Mike Gundy was once Bruce Jenner.
Oh man, after yesterday’s commenting dominance displayed by yours truly, I am spent. It didn’t take much effort to own the turds, mind you, but I’m exhausted from 12 straight hours of LOL’ing at their half-assed challenges and stupidity. Thus, I’m giving myself a quasi-off day in which I will toss out some topics that you may or may not want to discuss. It’s cool as long as you don’t try to tell me that a vagina isn’t a vagina. I can’t handle all of these LULZ. J/K…I TOTES can.

1. SI set their sights on Oklahoma State – I’m sure that the details of this investigation are pretty good but I’m just burnt out on shady athletic departments. After the amusing Ohio penalties and Willie Lyles and The U’s coke and stripper orgies and Johnny Football, I’m done. I just don’t care anymore. It probably helps that I have never given a shit about THEE real OSU outside of one ELITE press conference. The only thing I will say is that it is no surprise to me that Lester Miles would run a dirty program.

2. USA Soccer – These homos invaded Columbus the other night and apparently beat up on some Mexicans to qualify for the World Cup. The crowd was raucous I’m told. That makes me sad. This city is an embarrassment. I would rather Dot The I myself than support US Soccer. SHAME ON YOU, COLUMBUS.

3. Wild Card is heating up – This is getting interesting again now that Tampa has decided to stop scoring. I have this really dumb feeling that the Yankees are going to be team #2. I am holding out hope that we get white hot at the right time, win the Series, A-Rod is named MVP, and then we get the best scene ever with Bud handing him the MVP trophy. God, that would be so funny.

By the way, if you ever wondered why I care so much or am so opinionated about other football teams/programs, do yourself a disservice and watch my alma mater play football for ten minutes some time (and unfortunately most of our games are available somewhere on TV or online). You won’t believe your eyes. You will be sitting there asking yourself if this team even has coaches or plays. You might even shed a few tears watching the horror unfold.

I am not kidding when I say that I am a season ticket holder for the worst program in the country. Now, I may not have 100% proof of this but I can’t possibly imagine that anyone is worse. My guess is that we would be an underdog to most FCS schools. We run the triple option (poorly…and in 2013) without one player who specializes in that garbage offense. We would lose by 5 touchdowns to Scott Bakula and Sinbad’s team in that Necessary Roughness movie. So when you think that I’m being stupidly harsh toward your team or unfair just remember that I have an awful fan life at the moment and I’m not willing to become a full blown alcoholic or domestic violence guy like Jared Sullinger yet (don’t think that I missed that story, bros!).

You don’t get it, do you? This team is going to kill Grumpy. RIP Grumpy.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Can We Have An Honest Discussion About #5?

Why is a corpse riding shotgun?
I asked Iceman to hold off on discussing the Ohio Buckeyes yesterday because I didn’t want this topic to get swept under the rug or glossed over. It deserves its own day. Now, I’ve been accused in the past by thin-skinned Fuckeyes of talking about their dirtbag program simply for page views and comments. That’s sort of true, I guess, but if you scofflaws would stop breaking the law or being male gays then maybe I would come up with different post ideas. I wanted to write this up after the opening game but chose not to. I needed more evidence in order to avoid being accused of trolling. I have it now. Want to know what I found out?

Braxton Miller is a pussy.

FACT. Jesus Christ, can this guy make it through one game without calling the entire OSU Medical Center ER staff over? We all remember the ambulance game. That will go done in the annals of Fuckeye history. Jack Park’s homo offspring will be talking about that 40 years from now. Against Buffalo, he had to miss a series due to menstrual cramps. And then this week, old #5 pulls a Beanie Wells and “sprains his knee” after a bone-rattling hit from multiple ghosts in the first quarter. He wasn’t touched. He didn’t cut awkwardly. He didn’t have a lineman fall on him wrong. But he got hurt anyway and we never saw him again on the field but he was grimacing like a boss on the sideline while sitting on the trainer’s table AKA his second home.

I don’t want to come off as some sort of hater (even though it is a guarantee that the Fucktards will come unglued over my poppycock allegation) but this cat is SOFT. We all know how talented he is and what he can do on the field, but who gives a fuck if he is always asking out of the game with his wide array of mystery ailments. I once watched Marmalard Rivers play well in an AFC title game with a torn ACL. If Miller had an actual injury instead of an extremely minor knee ligament strain, he would probably lock himself in a padded room for no less than three years. Fortunately, Kenneth “K-Dog” Guiton (don’t call him Kenny G or Smooth Jazz, you stupid fucks) is a pretty good back-up (although he throws the worst deep ball ever).

This is football. You are going to get hit and you will never be 100% healthy once the season starts. Like all players before and after you, you need to DEAL WITH IT. If you want to win a national title or be a Heisman or play on Sundays then you probably need to start sucking it up and not be BFFs with the training staff.

Does this matter? Probably not. Will this have any impact on wins and losses this season? Maybe. Would you still rather have Miller over a baller like #98 Devin Gardner? Only an idiot would. I’d rather have the guy who plays 100% of the downs over the guy who uses up our entire supply of athletic tape. I just want ONE of you Ohio turd suckers to admit that he is being a bitch who needs to act like a football player and not a run of the mill Euro-trash soccer flopper. Just one. Call him out for being a little girl. That’s all I ask. So the point of today’s post is actually quite simple…

Braxton Miller is a pussy. And Urban Meyer Uses Herbal Essences.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

College Football Week 2



"I will murder you and hate fuck your corpse in front of your entire family.  Fuck you."



Per request of the blogger owner I will ignore the injured pussy elephant in the room.  Every vagina has it's day and this is not that day.  So just know that any and all emission of "you know who" was done on purpose.  Instead we will focus our efforts into other things college football related.  Since I was straight blasted all Saturday tailgating for the Michigan Notre Dame game, I will focus most all of this post on the events that transpired.

Some dude in the group that followed us up there was blacked out by halftime.  They didn't have tickets to the game so they watched it at their tailgate spot and just fucking pounded booze.  He disappeared in the 3rd quarter and was still missing when me and my brother met back up with them after the game.  I did the right thing and kept drinking while everyone else looked for him.  Fuck him.  I don't know that dude and I wasn't the one wandering off shit faced.  Last I heard he may have been sleeping in a sand bunker.  Here we are three days later and I still don't know if he was found.  I'm pretty awesome at caring.

Speaking of ELITE caring...as Wheelz was about to pick all of our drunk asses up, I watched some guy pull another guy out of his car and proceeded to beat the fucking piss out of him.  I saw a cop on my way past and had this exchange:

Iceman: Yeah...I know you probably can't leave your post but there's a fight happening right over there.

Woman cop:  Does anyone have any knives or guns?

Ice:  Uhhhh...I don't think so.  I didn't get that close of a look.  And I'm pretty drunk.

WC:  Then I really don't care.  Let me know who wins.

Carry on.  Serve and protect.

Tommy Rees is forever LULZ.  Thomas...you should stick with what you do best.  Punching cops and drinking under age.  Because you sure as shit can't quarterback worth a piss.  Seriously.  Kill yourself.  It would save Brian Kelly a lot of time trying to conjure an alibi after he murders you like he did with that one kid with the video camera.  Ol' what's his name...

So there was this one peen sitting in front of us at the game.  I happened to lean in to get a good view of the play that was about to happen.  He turns around and says: "Could you please not lean into me?"  Hey.  Fuck face.  If you don't care to get nudged ever so slightly at a premier college football game during a pivotal play in a stadium with 120K, do us all a favor and be a total fucking tampon at home on your own time.  Newsflash, dick smack.  It's a sporting event.  You're going to get touched by someone.  So if you're like Howie Mandel and have this fucking weird thing about people being near you then don't drop $200 to be in a place that crams a shit ton of people in a relatively small space.  He was almost as bad as the Notre Dame fan behind me that only knew half of the words to the fight song but belted it out like he knew them all.

I can't believe how one dimensional Devin Gardner was for the second week in a row.  Good call on that one, Nate.  There were two really dumb throws from Gardner.  One, he was bailed out on because of a bogus PI call.  The other was downright repugnant and put Notre Dame right back in it on one of the dumbest pick sixes I've ever seen.  Other than those 2 plays he played fucking outstanding.  And props to Ace for his ELITE call on Jeremy Gallon being a God damn pimp this year.

Whoever played the chicken dance song on the loud speaker after the game was over...nice touch.  You deserve a raise.  Or if nothing else an under the table handy from Lane Kiffin's wife.

I heard Georgia/South Carolina was pretty good.  Good to see Aaron Murray not looking like Brandon Weeden RG3 for the second week in a row.  I wouldn't want MuDawg to attempt to eat a bullet.  As big of a penis he can be, he's really starting to grow on me.

USC dropping out of the top 25 just feels right.  Like a the way a really good pair of underwear fits.  Lane Kiffin is the white college version of Aviators Tomlin.  He can only win with someone else's players yet somehow is still considered by most as an ELITE coach.

At least someone can blow out Buffalo.  Tee hee.

Whoever picked Texas as a sleeper pick is a fucking dip shit.  My guess is Damman.  That's such a Damman pick.

When was the last time anyone in the NCAA checked the eligibility of Nathan Scheelhaase and Jared Abbrederis?  Are they on the Van Wilder college plan?  Seriously...these guys are the Brian Cardinals of college football and I fucking swear have been enrolled at IlliNOISE and Wisconsin for at least 7 years.

Those are the highlights, shit dicks.  Being in the atmosphere of that game was pretty fucking rad but I'm not sure I would want to do it again.  Especially with a night game.  I was pretty fucked up on the way in but sobered up by the 3rd quarter.  Then had to crush booze right after to get that buzz back.  There's nothing worse than slowly realizing during a football game that you are starting to become sober.  Now let's all laugh at G$ because Eagles > Redskins.  Oh...and Miley Cyrus has another music video out where she humps a wrecking ball completely naked while frenching a sledge hammer.  It's worth a watch.  Carry on, bitches!

Monday, September 09, 2013

The Worst of Week One Vol.VII

Eminem will NEVER jinx his beloved Lions.
Oh yeah! We’re back to 20+ straight Mondays of “Worst Of” posts! Football season is so great. It really makes bloggin’ so easy. Now if we can just get that Marc Trestman/molestation story to break (AND IT WILL), we’ll be all set until Christmas. You know how this works by now. Games were played yesterday and we spend today slamming the shittiest performances as well as bragging/lamenting about our fantasy teams. Do NOT discuss college football. Show Iceman a little respect that he has not earned. BUT FIRST! How about a story of me being the worst?

I spent Labor Day proper being an American and by that I mean that I watched 11 straight hours of Parks & Rec on the premiere day of FXX. Around hour ten, my DVR box froze up. After numerous attempts to re-boot, it was not happening. I had an awful 90 minute online chat with some Indian whose name was 35 letters long and it ended with them shipping me a new HD DVR that arrived on Wednesday. For my troubles, they doubled my channels and dropped my monthly price (which will probably end up being a lie but whatever since I finally get MLB Network and now I know that Mitch Williams is the dumbest man in the galaxy). I hook it up myself since Jugdish told me that it was easy but it isn’t working as I’m getting an error message. I get another chat going with Apu and he runs some tests only to tell me that there is something wrong with my lines and a technician would have to come out. The soonest that that would take place was going to be Saturday. I decide to use the awesome power of the typed word to tell this inferior that this was unacceptable and that I demand to speak with his supervisor (I assume it is Life of Pi which was a GREAT movie by the way). At this point, I decided to say “fuck this shit” and called AT&T to speak with a white guy. He is running me through some things to test and ask that I check the back of the unit to make sure that things are plugged in all the way. It is then that I realize that the co-ax cable was in the wrong slot. We both shared a good laugh at my expense, I switched the cables, and the thing fired up immediately. TV WAS BACK. Being a human being, I felt it appropriate to make amends with Sanjay so I apologized to him as the chat was still up on my laptop. He understood and probably shared a good chuckle with Vishnu about it later while they compared body odor. So let this be a lesson to all of you: I know absolutely nothing about basic remedial technology (if you even consider co-ax cables to be that which you should not) and after 32+ years, I finally apologized to a minority. Hey, there’s a first time for everything. The important thing here is that my HD TV is up and running again. On to the football!

The Denver Saltines - We all saw how Eric Decker is awful but I want direct some venom at Wes Welker.  Yeah, he scored twice and I get that but he had two terrible drops and muffed a punt inside the five.  I guess what I'm pointing out here is that Welker is losing his touch a bit after leading the NFL in drops last season.

Stevan Ridley - Hey asshole, don't fumble the ball when you nobody touches you.  Man, that is a killer when one of your studs gets benched due to one shitty play.  Also, LOL Bills for choking away at that game.  Anyone else want to challenge me that the Pats aren't that good?

Marvin Lewis - Yep, this is why the haters think that he sucks as a coach.  You can't blow all three of your timeouts in the third quarter on the road against a good team.  The entire AFC North lost this week and the Bengals were the only team to not get buttfucked.  I still think that they are good because AJ Green is unstoppable.

Brandon Weeden - My mom drove up yesterday so we could take our dogs to the local water park because it was Dog Day before they closed for the year (always an enjoyable time).  We got back into the car at 2 pm and Mr. Talent had already launched his third pick.  Same old Browns.  Apparently, preseason performance doesn't mean shit.  Who'd a thunk it!

Mike Wallace - Fuck this guy so hard.  You win a game and then you act all ass-y after the game because you only had one catch?  Maybe you should learn another route other than "straight", jerk.

Megatron - Yo, bro, one of these days you are going to need to read the rulebook and understand what it takes to score a touchdown.  Tron had two rescinded by inches and I want to believe that it was karma for doing those weird ads that make zero sense with P Diddy.  Also from this game was another dirty hit by Suh (that was called correctly) that wiped away a pick six.  That guy is such a Sambo!

Pryor Haters! - TP looked damn good!  ADMIT IT!  The Raiders weren't nearly as shitty as we initially thought because TP can run around and avoid a hundred sacks per game.  Go Pryor!

Matty Ice - This loser just can't punch it in when he gets inside the ten, can he?  The Saints were statistically the worst defense in NFL history last season and the Falcons hung a mean 17 points on them.  The Falcons are going to struggle this year.

Greg Schiano - We all hate the Jets but it was pretty amazing to watch the Jets outplay the Bucs through the final whistle.  If I knew the name of the cat who chucked Geno out of bounds on that final drive, he would be a shoe-in for LVP of the Week.  But I don't care.  Josh Freeman is shit.

Darius Reynaud - Sunday got off to a great start with an opening kickoff safety which never happens but did this week because this guy is an idiot.  Who would've guessed that Reynaud would have outscored the rest of the Steelers for 58 minutes!

Todd Haley - Your offense sucks, BRAH.  Grump may not like to admit it but Pittsburgh is in a world of hurt.  Just as I thought they would be.  But there is one positive from this absolutely rotten performance...you're playing for Jadeveon!!!

Bad teams OBVZ - No one cares about the Jaguars and Panthers.  Except for Jay Catler, of course, because those are his cousins.

Cortland Finnegan - That Rams/Cards game was shockingly awesome.  If you have watched the NFL at all, you know that Finnegan is an asshole and everything bad that happens to him is deserved and more.  He was abused all day by LarryFitz.  I enjoyed it greatly.  Big props to blackest man in the NFL, Jared Cook, for having a monster game.

Clay Matthews - He must be on another steroid cycle because he was being a giant douche out there yesterday.  His late hit on CK was garbage and he threw a punch at a MAC titan.  Weak!  That was a damn fine game as well and it only led to a deeper love for Jimmy BRAH as going for it on 4th and 2 was absolutely the right call to make.  Coaches with balls are way better than coaches with pussies.

FANTASY - Well, Jeff's love of Pey Pey has me under .500 in the DFL/LFL for the first time in a few years.  Fucking fluke.  I'm kicking K-Dog's ass in the G$FL and Ape in the blog league.  My other league is still up in the air.  Not the best start but not the worst.

And now we are left with Monday Night where Chippy starts his NFL coaching career against the future Super Bowl champions.  Did you know that RG3 is back?  SPOILER ALERT!  The other game sucks and has Chris Berman doing PBP.  Wonderful.  Stay tuned for tomorrow's post where Iceman tells us all about a certain game he went to on Saturday night.

Friday, September 06, 2013

It's SHOWTIME, Folks!!!

Your move, Ricky Stanzi.
Who’s ready for our first of many weekly Friday gambling posts? Let me re-phrase that to get you more excited: WHO WANTS TO LEAD UP-DOWNS!!! I mentioned it on Tuesday but I want to talk about it again…I got SLAUGHTERED last week. I know that I usually never wager in the first week or two but I bucked that trend this year and now I know why I’m so smart. How bad was it? I went 1-8 on Saturday and the win was via Bert Bielema. That is SO BAD. But at least I treated my wagers like I like my ribs…low and slow AKA small wagers. Thankfully, I made some coin on Thursday, Friday, and Monday otherwise that could have gotten really ugly. We’ve got my usual advice, a pick on the big game, my initial MAC Glory Hole of the Week, and our new feature of Mr. Ace’s Hammer of the Week. He’s 1-1!

If you want to murder yourself, might I recommend flipping on Fox Sports at noon tomorrow for some ex(crement)citing Miami/UK football or, as no one calls it, WHEN SEAL AND GRUMP COLLIDE!!! I’m a week away from betting against us every week. Anyway, Kentucky has an interesting character on their team named Steven Borden (pictured as an American). He is, naturally, the son of WCW Legend, Sting! With our pro wrestling pedigree of Brian Pillman and The Miz, this game might have the most pro wrestling ties this weekend. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, THAT’S KANE’S MUSIC! No one cares…especially this season ticket holder. Let’s start with the big game that is the last of its kind (or not!) for a while:

Notre Dame +3.5 @ Michigan – I think that this is a field goal game with WE ON’s fat rapist homeless kicker blobbing one through the uprights as time expires. At least I hope so. I would much rather watch a sad Brian The Murderer than a sad Hokester. Smart money is on taking the points.

Penn State -24 vs. Eastern Michigan – PSU isn’t that great but EMU is still EMU.
Western Kentucky +13 @ Tennessee – The “Fuck The SEC” tour starring Bobby Petrino rolls into Knoxville. He wanted the UK job and then killed them last week. I think the same thing can be said with Rocky Top. They will keep it close because Butch Jones is a terrible coach.
Baylor -27.5 vs. Buffalo – Watch what a good team does to a team like Buffalo, Ohio fans. That’s some fine scheduling though, Bulls!
Ohio Buckeyes -28 vs. San Diego State – Time to fucking redeem yourselves after last week’s travesty. All of the criminals are back (except for Hyde). Tony Romo’s alma mater beat the Aztecs by 21 in their barn, you better be able to do double that.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week!!! Bowling Green -7 @ Kent State – The Falcon defense is for real and Dri Archer is out. Night night, Flashes. On to the pros…

Cleveland PK vs. Miami – Just a hunch that the Browns win their home opener.
Oakland +10.5 @ Indianapolis – Terrelle Pryor will score some garbage points in the fourth quarter.
Washington -3 over Philadelphia – This is going to be an ass beating. Riley Cooper just got his ass kicked in practice yesterday and was apparently called an n-word himself.  Yeah, things are going well in Philly.  BLOWOUT.  Speaking of the Eagles getting destroyed, it’s Mr. Ace time!

Mr. Ace’s Hammer of the Week (season record: 1-1)
If I can pick both, my NCAA pick is Oklahoma St -26.5 and my NFL pick is KC -4.
Moneyline/Upset: Da U +3.

If I only get one lock (you do, moron, that is kind of the point of it being a Hammer and not hammers) it is Oklahoma St -26.5 (@ UTSA…whatever that is).
There you have it. Let’s make some money and we’ll be back on Monday to break down the NFL games. This is one of only two times that I will say this all year because I have integrity but GO BLUE!