Friday, August 30, 2013

CFB Preview Week: The Champion

After Monday's shaky start, I think we can all agree that College Football Preview Week has once again been a success.  To finish things up, we will be crowning our LAST EVER BCS champions today.  Or as most of us think, who will win the douche off between King Buttfucker and Nicky SabeCakes!  Also, Mr. Ace's Ball-peen Hammer of the Week+ will show up at some point in the comments.  CROWN THEIR ASSES!

Li'l Strut: Ohio State 35, Georgia 27 . Georgia will win the SEC Title by beating Alabama, who will come into the SEC Title game after a relatively weak schedule compared to previous years. Ohio State will roll through the B1G and beat Nebraska in the B1G title game. This game will be a battle of offenses, pitting the Braxton Miller centric Buckeyes against Georgia’s two pronged attack led by Aaron Murray and Todd Gurley. In the end, OSU’s speedy pass rush and experienced secondary will provide the Buckeyes the late edge needed to raise the crystal ball.
EXTRA CREDIT HUGE UPSET!!! Ole Miss @ Alabama (9/28). Bama will overlook this game after starting the season with Virginia Tech and a revenge game against Texas A&M. Ole Miss has a lot of experience back on both sides of the ball and a rush defense that was in the top 25 last year. Match that up against the Tide’s inexperienced offensive line and you may have the season’s biggest upset.

Damman: Alabama 24, Ohio State 21. I haven’t mentioned my beloved Buckeyes yet…and you will all pay for it now! But seriously, look at their schedule. Who in the hell is going to beat this team? The only possible road blocks are at Northwestern, at Michigan and the B1G Championship Game. But they will be at least a touchdown favorite in those games. With Braxton coming into his own even more this year, growing with the wide receivers to have a passing game to go with the already lethal running game. Having said that, Alabama will be too much for the Bucks. After dropping a game to A&M early, Saban gets really pissed and they rip through the rest of the schedule before an epic title game.

Drew: The Ohio State Buckeyes 33, Alabama Crimson Tide 30. In a game that will be one of they most hyped to ever happen, these two storied programs will be undefeated and carrying two seasons worth of momentum into the game. The game will match the hype and the Buckeyes will win on a late 22 yd scramble into the end zone by Braxton. The Level of Mad that will come pouring out of the Michigan faithful will be glorious.

The Wig Master: Alabama over Ohio State. Not since 2004 (USC) has a team went AP preseason #1 to title. And 3 titles in a row seems to be absurd. But to pick any team over Bama would be considered a ‘Bold Prediction.’ Being in Buckeye country I appreciate the hype, but feel they may be better suited to take down the almighty “Speed Conference” next season. The following excerpt comes from an article breaking down the SEC and compares each team to an alcohol:

Alabama
If It Were an Alcohol, It Would Be… A Top-Shelf Open Bar at a Wedding
The Holy Grail. You have unlimited access to premium alcohol all evening, and the bartender on the left side of the room is feeling generous with his pours. Your biggest concern: Will they stop serving drinks during dinner? This is important, and you should take note of this early. Outside of this small bit of planning, it does not get any better.
Alabama over Ohio State…see you there.

EXTRA CREDIT HUGE UPSET!!! For the gambler in you, count on the following ‘big’ upset: Vandy over Georgia on Saturday, October 19 at Vanderbilt.
Enjoy the season, enjoy the weather, enjoy the last year of the BCS, and as always, enjoy full beer day, January 1, 2014.

GSaul: Alabama 35, Oregon 17. Nick Saban has the Tide rolling to their third BCS championship in as many years. The Ducks are favored by more than a touchdown in 11 of their 12 games, with the road trip to Stanford being the lone exception.
EXTRA CREDIT HUGE UPSET!!! Kent State knocks off LSU in Baton Rouge on September 14 behind the electrifying play of the Golden Flashes’ RB/KR Dri Archer.
He must have just watched my extra point make.

G$: Oregon 34, South Carolina 23.  I don't actually believe that this will happen but I'll be damned if I fall in line with the rest of you idiots.  But if for some insane reason this IS the BCS title game, you will never ever hear the end of it.  Remember how Drewser is a Simmons fudge-packer?  I do but I'm utilizing the Ewing Theory for Oregon this year.  Now that mental defective, Chip Kelly, is just waiting to get fired by the Eagles, Mark Fighting Hellfish (Hey funboys, get a room!) will lead the Ducks to the title.  And I base my prediction for who loses the national title game on which coach is photographed shirtless the most in the offseason.  Good job, Steve!
EXTRA CREDIT UPSET ALERT!!!  I like Cal to beat Northwestern and Northern Illinois to beat Iowa this weekend.  At least one of these will happen.

There you go.  College Football Preview Week is over and the season is officially underway.  Oh yeah, DIG IT!  As for gambling picks from me, I'm not big on wagering during week one but like I said the other day, WMU is up to 28.5 dogs at Sparty.  That's too damn much.  Enjoy the games this weekend and Iceman will be back on Tuesday to recap the action.  Go Buffalo!

Thursday, August 29, 2013

CFB Preview Week: The Heisman

Suck my baby dick, Red Grange!
Before we hand out our Heisman Awards, I want to briefly discuss last year's winner: Juan Futbol Americana.  OK, so as of me typing this up, the Aggies have not announced whether they are going to play him on Saturday against Rice.  I get that.  They want the NCAA to make a decision which is not their strong suit.  Let's assume that they don't tell them shit now. Let's also assume that Sumlin plays his stud.  Let's keep the assumptions going and say that on 9/14 they beat Alabama again.  All of a sudden, come mid-October, the NCAA decides to call him ineligible.  My question is: Does Nicky SabeCakes get that loss back?  OBVZ they won't get a win, but will the game just be stricken from the record or what the hell would happen?  One thing is certain, the NCAA will fuck this up royally.  And we will probably have to get the old asterisks out.  UPDATE: NEVER MIND!  Let's hand out or hardware:

Li'l Strut: Braxton Miller, QB, Ohio State. Braxton will be a statistical monster this year, just as Tim Tebow and Alex Smith were in their second years in Urban Meyer’s offense. It will also help that he will be a statistical monster on an undefeated team headed to the BCS title game. The hype of being Urban Meyer’s QB won’t hurt either. With the benefit of two extra games this season, expect Braxton to throw for 3,000 yards, 30 TD’s, and about 6 INT’s. He will also rush for 1,200 yards and 12 TD’s.
Finalists - Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M. His statistics will still be impressive, but they will be down from last year. He will get an invite as last year’s winner, but, unfortunately, with all his offseason antics the voters will demand improvement for him to join the Archie Griffin club.
Todd Gurley, RB, Georgia. He will put up more impressive stats than T.J. Yeldon of Alabama, which will give Gurley the nod over his SEC Counterpart.

Damman: Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville. I fell in love with him watching the Sugar Bowl last year and he is going to go ham this year. I sure am giving a lot of love to the AAC. I think this kid has all the tools and he’s going to be on a team with 0 or 1 loss. I know he’s a long shot, but I’m rolling with Teddy!

Drew: Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville. I think Louisville will go undefeated this year, but will not be put into the NCG. Bridgewater will have an exceptional season and the media will give him the Heisman as some sort of consolation prize for not playing in the big game.
Runner-Up - Braxton Miller. We all know he's gonna be there....especially when his offense will average over 40 pts a game.
2nd Runner-Up - Jadeveon Clowney. I can't remember really a defensive player getting so much hype for the Heisman. He'll probably have some games with 5 sacks or so and some amazing hits...will get an invite.

The Wig Master: AJ McCarron, QB, Alabama. In what may be called a ‘career-Heisman’ the 2013 trophy goes to Alabama’s AJ McCarron.
Finalists - The three invites to NYC: Jadeveon Clowney, Braxton Miller and AJ McCarron. We have a sexy pick in Clowney; a benefactor of quality wins in Miller; and, a proven winner in McCarron. Well, I am off to Scotland to see how scotch is made, and then will be drinking said scotch. But be certain that I will see you panty-liners in this corner of the interwebs tomorrow.

GSaul: AJ McCarron, QB, Alabama. Last year, he threw for 2,933 yards while finishing No. 1 in the NCAA in pass efficiency (173.08 rating), thanks to an incredible 30-to-3 TD-to-INT ratio. He also has one of the top WR’s in the nation returning in sophomore Amari Cooper.
Finalists - Braxton Miller (OSU QB), Jadeveon Clowney (South Carolina DE), and Teddy Bridgewater (Louisville QB).

G$: Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina.  Yeah, I'll buy the hype only because he is the most fun player to watch and is as ELITE as a college football player can be.  If history tells us anything, it is that the guys who are listed as favorites now will likely not be anywhere in contention for the Heisman come December.  Football, Bobby G, Cam, Mark Ingram...they all came out of virtually nowhere.  I'm giving it to Clowney because he likes to kill scrubs from Michigan.
Finalists - Marcus Mariota (HUGE mistake by everyone else for ignoring him), Tajh Boyd (about to vault to the top on Saturday night), and TJ Yeldon (because I don't think that McCarron is all that great).

You probably wonder what the hell today's picture is all about.  Well, hold your butts because that is none other than GRUMPY back in 1955!  Notice the lack of face mask on the helmet!  Gentlemen, we officially have our Weisman Trophy statue and it is this little shitbird doing that pose!!! Congrats, young Grump!  We'll wrap up our dicks and CFB Preview Week tomorrow with the national champions and the first Mr. Ace Vise Grip of the Week or whatever he wants to call it.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

CFB Preview Week: Bold and Beautiful

Best sign ever.
That was certainly an inspired commenting effort yesterday.  Granted, the topics were annoying but, per Jemele Hill and Uncle Tom Smith, NUMBERS NEV-UH LIE!!!  Before we get into today's bold predictions, I would like to talk about last night's documentary "RGIII: Will To Win".  It was probably the greatest hour of my life ever.  Yours, too.  I have never been more inspired.  On with the boldness!

Li'l Strut:
1. The Indiana Hoosiers will contend for the B1G Leaders Division Title: The offense was not the issue last year as Indiana averaged over 30 points a game and was 17th in the nation in passing yards. With 19 starters returning (10 off, 9 def – tied for #1 in country), Indiana will be in the leaders division race until being officially eliminated by Ohio State on November 23.
2. UCLA will win the PAC 12 Championship: Former NFL Coach Jim Mora took a UCLA team that lost 8 games in each of its previous two seasons and won 8 games in his first season, which included a win against rival USC. He enters his second year with a decent amount of experience returning and a team that is primed to ascend to the top of the PAC 12.
3. Georgia will win the SEC Title: Its Georgia’s time. With the offensive firepower the Bulldogs have returning, and all their tough conference games at home, this year sets up nicely. If UGA can go into Death Valley and beat Clemson in week one, the Dawgs may be on their way to an undefeated regular season and a revenge win over ‘Bama in the SEC Title Game. (You’re welcome MUDawg)

Damman:
1. Texas A&M will beat Alabama again. Jonathon Football will play and he will tear up Saban’s asshole again. He seems like the kind of kid who is going thrive under the pressure from all the shit that he has created. A final “eat my ass” to all of his critics.
2. Penn St. will finally hit the shitter and lose 8 or more games. It was a nice story with these guys doing so well last year, but reality will hit big time this year as the weight of the sanctions begin to take their toll.
3. The American Athletic Conference Will Have Four Top 25 Teams by Season’s End. The what you say? Apparently this is what they are calling the old Big East. I didn’t know about this name until starting to do research for this. Only Louisville is ranked to start the year, but I see the league being stronger than expected with Louisville, UC, Central Florida and Rutgers being the four teams ranked by the end of the year.

Drew:
1. The Ohio State Buckeyes average over 40 pts a game this year on offense.
2. Lee Corso dies during this season.
3. Tulsa wins at Oklahoma.

The Wig Master:
1. Teddy Pendergrass and the Louisville Cards go undefeated, but due to a laughable STREMPH of schedule they get left out of the BCS Championship.
2. Mack Brown and the Longhorns lose at least four games and the Texas faithful are calling for a coaching change by December.
3. Notre Dame endures a three game losing streak this season and is not ranked in the top 25 at the end of the year.

GSaul:
1. Terry Bowden will get fired and take Professor Jim Tressel’s “General Principles of Coaching” class before leaving Akron.
2. John Mellencamp’s son Hud is cleared of felony battery charges and leads Duke to its second consecutive bowl game appearance.
3. Kent State’s Dri Archer accumulates 2,000 rushing yards and 1,000 receiving yards.

G$:
1. Baylor wins the Big 12.  Now that Chip Kelly is gone, Art Briles is the biggest offensive genius in the game.  Between Seastrunk and Bryce Petty, how are you going to stop these guys?
2. You guys know all too well how much I like attaching my money to a MAC school and riding them to huge profits.  While it's too early to be rash, I've got a good feeling about Western Michigan this year.  By all accounts, (youngest coach in FBS) PJ Fleck, is really good at his job.  I really like the Broncos +27.5 against Sparty in week one since MSU can't complete a pass.
3. Ohio State is going to lose.  It's going to happen and you all know it.  Teams don't go 25-0 any more regardless of their schedule.  My guess is that they lose either at Cal (a game that Prime will be covering!) or at Darrell Hazell.  You can argue this all you want in the comments but you won't change my opinion.

We're 60% done and, to celebrate, tonight is the big MSFL Draft!  Now with 100% less Grumpy!  I'll see you all in the war rooms this evening and tomorrow we will hand out the Heisman (but not the Weisman).

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

CFB Preview Week: Breakouts and Pink Slips

Never Forget.
Well, that wasn't the start to the week that I was hoping for.  Where was Stan at yesterday to tell all of those guys (except for me) that their contributions were shit?  I feel like Stan dropped the ball there.  Today, as we seek a gigantic rebound, we identify Players To Watch and coaches with an inevitable pink slips.  You may remember last year when Damman and Dut hilariously introduced us all to Braxton Miller.  How could you not?  We talk about constantly.  Well, hoo boy, LS and Damman are at it again by reminding us of players who finished in the top ten for Heisman votes last year.  Way to be knowledgeable, fellas!  On with the show...

Li'l Strut: Player to Watch – Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville. Teddy was a statistical monster for the Cardinals last year, throwing for 3,718 yards, 27 TD’s and only 8 Ints. He also led Louisville to an upset win over Florida in the Sugar Bowl, after which the nation took notice. This year, Bridgewater will face a schedule in which his toughest two games are Kentucky and Cincinnati. Look for him to put up even more impressive numbers and achieve All-American status. He may even be on a flight to NYC in December.
Coach Guaranteed to Get Fired – Lane Kiffin, USC. I would say Tim Beckman of Illinois, but the Fightin’ Illini has a longstanding tradition of holding onto terrible coaches for too long. Kiffin, however, took over a program that was once the gold standard of college football and he has managed to make it a borderline mid-tier PAC 12 team. In his 3 years in Troy, Kiffin has only managed to win 65% of his games, which included a 7-6 record in 2012. Granted, he had to deal with sanctions, but the talent has always been there. His saving grace may be that he does not have to play Oregon this year. But with Stanford, upstart Arizona, and rising crosstown rival UCLA still on the schedule, expect at least a 4 loss season and a pink slip for Kiffin.

Damman: Player to Watch – Marquise Lee, WR, USC. After playing in the shadow of Robert Woods for a season, Lee emerged as the most explosive receiver in college football as a sophomore. The stench of Lane Kiffin will continue to not hold him back.
Coach Guaranteed to Get Fired – Tim Beckman, Illinois. He was so bad last year (1-11) that people were yearning for the days of Ron Zook. Zook didn’t exactly leave the cupboard bare as there was some talent on the team but, wow, did Beckman really turn this team into a train wreck in one year. 122nd in scoring, 95th in scoring defense last year. Yeah he doesn’t have much of a leash.

Drew: Player to Watch - Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State. Love this kid and his 100mph arm. He's going to put up a lot of highlights for the Seminoles this year.
Coach Guaranteed to Get Fired - Kirk Ferentz, Iowa. I realize they pay him a shit load of money, but they have been bad for several years now and their recruiting has been complete dog shit. I see another awful year coming up and there will be a push for some new blood.

The Wig Master: Player to Watch - Jordan Lynch, QB, Northern Illinois. Last year this cat [dog] averaged 130 yards a game on the ground, over 6 yards a carry, and finished with 19 rushing touchdowns. Oh, by the way, he also threw for 25 touchdowns and over 3,000 yards. No, you silly bastards, Josh Harris didn’t have another year of eligibility, we are talking Jordan Lynch at Northern Illinois. Keep an eye and ear out for Lynch. You will recall that the Huskies caught a beat down in the Orange Bowl last year and presumably the rest of the country remembers as well…which means that Lynch may be overlooked or completely dismissed. Don’t be surprised when Lynch is in the Heisman picture all season long, especially after an opening weekend win against Iowa [I said it].
Coach Guaranteed to Get Fired - Randy Edsall, Maryland. I can guarantee that a DUI saved Damman from an STD (ask him about it). I can guarantee that G$ must powder his balls in the dead of winter. However, it is difficult to guarantee that a coach will lose his job, but count on Maryland parting ways with Randy Edsall this season. Maryland fired Ralph Friedgen following a 9-4 campaign in 2010, which included a lopsided bowl win. Maryland gambled on Edsall, the hot-shot of the moment, hired after taking UConn to the Fiesta Bowl in 2010. In his first two years, Edsall has six wins…three less than Friedgen had in his last season. Oops, time to save face, and Maryland has no choice but to move on.

GSaul: Player to Watch - Lache Seastrunk, RB, Baylor. Seastrunk began November last year with about 200 rushing yards. Then during the last six games, he averaged just over 138 yards a game, earning an unlikely 1,000-yard season where he averaged 8.22 yards a touch in his 101 carries over that stretch (totaling 831 rushing yards and 6 rushing TDs).
Coach Guaranteed to Get Fired - Randy Edsall, Maryland. The Terps are coming off a combined 6-18 record (including 3-13 in conference) the past two years. Maryland will be joining the Big Ten next year with a new coach.

G$: Player to Watch - Kevin "Hollywood" Hogan, QB, Stanford.  It's not fair but every Cardinal QB for the next 50 years is going to be compared to the Cookie Monster, Andrew Luck.  Hogan took the job from the perpetually shitty Whatever Nunes halfway through last year and did nothing but win and win (albeit with game manager-type numbers).  He got his feet wet last season and now it's time to blow up (as much as one can in David Shaw's offense).  If you believe that Stanford is a legit BCS title contender AND THEY ARE, then The Hulkster will be lowering atomic leg drops all over the left coast.
Coach Guaranteed to Get Fired - Bo Pelini, Nebraska.  My God, this guy is an asshole.  You can be an asshole if you are a good coach (see: SabeCakes, Nicky) but if you suck and are a dick then fuck you.  This guy needs to go.  You're never going to be relevant as a program when the face of your program where his hat like a farmer that fucks his own pigs.  If the Big Ten wants to be a big boy conference, they need to get rid of the fraud defensive coordinators masquerading as a head coach and get an actual coach on the sidelines.  This guy blows.

That will do it for day 2.  Stay tuned for Bold Prediction Day tomorrow.  You know what means, right?  We get GSaul's annual prediction of Duke Football!

Monday, August 26, 2013

CFB Preview Week: Properly Rated

To coach at WE ON, you must be fat, old, or mentally challenged.  WTF IS THIS?
Well, college football starts up this week.  As is tradition around these parts, that means that it is COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW WEEK here.  If you're new (and you are not because we haven't added any new customers in two years, the worst of the worst will be dropping their knowledge and predictions on the NFL's inferior little bro all week.  Except for The Wig Master, of course, who is my favorite contributor to this and then disappears for a full year.  To start things off right, we call out OVERRATED and underrated teams today.  Enjoy.

Lil' Strut: OVERRATED – Florida State. Last year the Seminoles were my most underrated team. This year, Florida State is ranked right around the 10 spot in many polls. That ranking is quite lofty considering the Seminoles only have 10 total starters returning (6 off, 4 def), which does not include any quarterbacks, running backs, or defensive linemen. Last year, Florida State got by with veteran QB play and a solid defense that was led by one of the country’s best defensive lines. That will not be the case this year and the Seminoles will finish just inside the top 25 with 4 losses.
Underrated – Miami (FL). We are going to stay in the state of Florida here. Miami’s offense was solid last year when it scored over 30 points in every single game. Its defense was the main culprit in the Canes’ 7-5 record. This year, Miami returns 19 total starters (10 off, 9 def - tied for #1 in the country). Returners include Senior QB Stephen Morris who threw for over 3,000 yards in 2012, RB Duke Johnson who ran for 947 yards in 2012 and the Canes’ top 3 receivers from 2012. Expect vast improvement from a more experienced defense and expect Da’ U to win at least 10 games, finish in the top 10, and potentially win the ACC crown.

Damman: OVERRATED – Texas. I can’t go to my usual overrated stalwart in Virginia Tech this as year as they are not even ranked. Only took voters 10 years to listen to me. I will go with Texas as my overrated team. They are only ranked 15th in the Coaches Poll but that is still too high. Mack Brown has been coaching like G$’s father in law the last 5 years rather than just being a dead on look-a-like for him. They’ve overhauled their coaching staff yet again which has not worked the last three years. It seems like Brown is just throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks. He’s not even trying anymore. Texas will fail again this year. OVERRATED!
Underrated – Northwestern. These guys are primed for a big time breakout season. Colter and Marc are studs. Pat Fitzgerald is one of the top coaches in the country. They won their first bowl game in a billion years last year and expect even bigger things from them this year. They are a fringe top 10 team if they get some breaks. I see a 10-2 season coming with a B1G Championship game appearance.

Drew: OVERRATED - Texas A&M. The walking distraction that is Johnny Manziel will push them off track from the beginning in the SEC. Without his magic, they won't nearly meet their expectations.
Underrated - Northwestern. A favorable home schedule and probably the best NW team that Fitzgerald has ever had. Venric Mark is one of the most exciting players in the B1G and they should be undefeated when they host OSU in a night game in Evanston.

The Wig Master: OVERRATED - Texas A&M. The AP Poll has A&M slotted at #7. Clearly OVERRATED. The defense is going to be a question mark this season as a result of some personnel moving on. The offense, well the offense is going to have to battle a cancer all year (or at least pretend like it’s not there), ol Johnny Football will be a polyp in the duodenum personified [benign but still a bastard]. Now, the squad may play through the drama and Johnny may silent all doubters, but at some point you have to put team first, and that doesn’t sound like Johnny-cakes to me. And the SEC will see that A&M slides down the polls all season long. [As this may be the easy way out, bonus coverage…Notre Dame also well OVERRATED.]
Underrated - Miami (FL). The AP Poll has the Miami ‘Canes on the outside looking in. It won’t take long for Miami to get the respect (votes) they are due. With plenty of talent returning and a soft schedule, look for a classic FSU matchup on November 2, with both programs ranked in the top 15. [Bonus coverage…Nebraska is at #18 and underrated.]

GSaul: OVERRATED - Texas A&M Aggies. Johnny Heisman will be on his back this season more often than a sorority chick at a frat party. OT Luke Joeckel and three of their most productive defensive players from 2012 are now in the NFL. This is not a top 10 team.
Underrated - Texas Longhorns. They are the most experienced team in the country (19 returning starters) playing in a Big 12 Conference that ranks as the least experienced conference in college football this year. Texas will finish in the top 10.

G$: OVERRATED - Georgia.  This team actually lived up to expectations last year so there is no way in Hell that they do it two years in a row.  I'll say it: Aaron Murray sucks.  Stop telling me how great he is.  He hasn't done shit.  They lost Jarvis Jones, Rambo, and DUI Ogletree and I'm supposed to believe that they will be better?  Bitch please.  Put them down for at least three losses.
Underrated - Michigan.  Exactly why are they ranked 17th?  They lost NO ONE.  Spare me the Denard crap.  That is not a loss.  This is easily a top 12 team and they have a great coaching staff.  Look at their schedule...sure, it's tough at the end but should they beat Notre Dame at home on 9/7, you can put them down for 7-0 going into Sparty.  Lock it up.  YOU ON.

Day 1 is in the books.  You'll notice that we are light one contributor.  This should come as no surprise because Dut sucks.  Tomorrow we will celebrate the one year anniversary of idiots introducing you to that Braxton Miller guy while reveling in the future firing of shitty coaches like Rex Ryan.

How Good Can Daryl Richardson Be?

How Good Can Daryl Richardson Be?

Despite minimal playing time in 2012, running back Daryl Richardson proved to the St. Louis Rams management that he was a future featured back in the NFL. The team was so confident they found their future running back that they let Steven Jackson change teams and open up the starting role. With expectations rising in St. Louis, is Richardson ready for the challenge? More importantly, should fantasy football owners be high or low on the former Abilene star?

Last season, Richardson’s 638 rushing yards do not really seem all that impressive. Sure, he did that damage in limited action, with most of it coming in two games, but he is still looking for his first professional touchdown. That is a bit troubling, but head coach Jeff Fisher doesn’t seem to care. He has already named him a starter, which shoots him up the fantasy football rankings right away.

Richardson’s biggest strength is his ability to get outside in a hurry, creating offense and giving him a big-play potential. Isaiah Pead, Zac Stacy and Terrance Ganaway could all steal some touches from him, but the Rams seem to be focused on building a young, solid foundation. Richardson fits that mold, so he will get his shot to succeed.

Right now, he is usually going somewhere in the 30-35 range overall for running backs in fantasy football drafts. Waiting that long to grab him is risky, but it could end up paying off. He has the potential to get enough touches to be close to the top 20, especially if he gets off to a hot start. People might not know much about him at the moment, but Richardson is coming up strong as a sleeper.

Friday, August 23, 2013

FFF: Ask The Expert/Ask The Basement

Uh oh...somebody learned how to use MS Paint.  Well, sort of.
As we wait for Commenter Jeff to be left at the altar tomorrow, we might as well get to the final installment of Fantasy Football Friday for the year. This is fucking long because Iceman can’t stop talking so I apologize in advance. He sucks. Anyway, today is Ask The Expert/Ask The Basement. The stereotypical guy who finishes last in your league will answer the first three questions. The true insight comes on the final three questions of the day. Enjoy:

G$ ASKS ICEMAN:
1. Let's say that you miss out on one of the Big 6 Quarterbacks (Rodgers, Brees, Peyton, Brady [my feelings aside], Matt Ryan, and Weeden OBVZ). What is one QB that you would have no problem leading your squadron? Also, I have a feeling that Fat Stafford will have a nice bounce back year. I mean, he almost has to be better than what he was last season. Thoughts?

There are a couple guys I think have the sturdy haunches to lead Team Iceman. First guy who comes to mind is our west coast pal and known sex slave to Colin T. Cowfucker, Rusty Wilson. Russ Dubs just feels like a guy who gets it. He's smart, elusive, knows when to slide or get the fuck out of bounds, dates white girls and probably drinks club soda. Plus I would bet the house that Ol' Dubs has never seen the inside of a strip club. Route trees get him hard and that's what I want out of my QB. I know Seattle is dedicated to feeding the pill to Dreadlock McSkittles until he does something stupid to get arrested again...but Rusty found a way to be a top 15 fantasy QB last year as a rookie despite the same philosophy. I think Dubbles takes a huge leap forward this year.

Second worthy QB for team Iceman is Andrew Luck. I don't care if he sounds like Fozzy Bear. Dude is a stud. Listen...I realize the Colts won't be throwing a fucking billion times again this year. But I bet they still throw it a half a billion. And let's not kid ourselves when it comes to Indy's running game...Vick Ballard and Ahmad Bradshaw's pussy aren't scaring anyone. This is a passing team. Period. They may not go vertical as much this year but isn't the intermediate game what made everyone drag their dicks through a sea of barbed wire for a chance to watch Luck spin a few balls while at Stanford? Fantasy experts are down on Luck this year...I disagree. G$ retort: Apparently he has no thoughts on the Detroit Double Chin.

2. Actual positional draft strategy seems to be getting more muddled every year. For a long time, all of the experts wanted you to go RB/RB in the first two rounds. That shifted to a "best player available" theory recently. I've tried it both ways and haven't really noticed much of a difference. Now it seems like RB/RB is back in style again what with QBs and receivers being very deep. What are your thoughts on draft strategy? I used to hate the double RB move but then I had to start Vick Ballard for most of last year and told myself NEVER AGAIN.

My strategy doesn't change from year to year. The minute you start trying to get cute, you end up fucking yourself. I'm always looking to get the two bell cow backs I know will be getting at least 20 carries a game with my first two picks. When you have double warthogs to roll out at RB every week to fuckin snort and fuss up and down the field, it's definitely an advantage.

Even if that means taking a guy "experts" say should be a 3rd or 4th round guy early, I'll do it. Especially if I'm picking 11th or 12th since by the time I pick in the 3rd round, the best RB available will be some useless twat rag like Ryan Mathews' bloody tampon. I would rather "reach" for Stevan Ridley in the 2nd round then roll out Benjarvis Green-Ellis every week while holding a fucking gun to my head. And here's why:

If I'm picking 11th or 12th, chances are I'll have something like Matt Forte and Chris Johnson with my first two grabs. Even if I'm stuck in the middle at 6, I'm anticipating something like Ray Rice and Steven Jackson. No matter what, I'll be getting two guys I know will be getting 20 plus carries a game. With my next three picks I can snag a top 10 QB and two top 20 WRs since everyone else will be fighting over the corpse of Darren Sproles or DeAngelo Williams at that point. It also helps when QB and WR are deeper than Ide's butthole.

3. With the last question in mind and now that teams annoyingly use two backs, give me a couple of handcuff guys that could easily be massive point producers later in the season due to being better or taking advantage of injury or poor play?

Whoever is backing up Ahmad Bradshaw is a must own. I swear he's Sam Jackson's Mr. Glass character from Unbreakable. He's on the Mount Rushmore of running back pussies and Vick Ballard is a must own because of that. Darren Sproles may be a mildly effective, slippery little shit but the Saints drafted Mark Ingram in the 1st round for a reason. If they ever had any intentions of making Ingram more than just a pain in the ass to fantasy owners, now is the time. At some point Brees won't be able to throw 70 passes a game and New Orleans will need a reliable pig lurking back there to chew up yards and even things out. Ingram is that guy and I would draft him over Sproles this year.

Another guy who will be no doubt be hurt that you can set your fucking watch to is Darren McFadden. I would rather drink a bum's piss than have McPussy on any of my rosters from this point forward. Grab his backup two rounds earlier than you normally would since whoever it is (Marcel Reese??) is sure to be a hot pick on draft day.

Finally, I will be drafting Alfred Morris' backup in every league. Only because Shanahan is a known fantasy hater and an even bigger dick munch. I can TOTES see Shanny pulling a fuckhead move and throwing some Division II practice squad player into the starting role a week before the season starts just because. Much like my farts after a heavy night of boozing, I just don't trust Shanahan. G$’s retort: This was a lay-up that he completely air-balled. The correct answers are Bryce Brown, Gio Bernard, and Bernard Pierce. Let Iceman have the backup Raiders RB. LOL!

ICEMAN ASKS G$:
1. So most people (me) wait until the last 2 rounds to draft a defense and a kicker. I just don't see the merit in drafting those positions any earlier. At what point in the draft do you usually find yourself taking those pointless positions and why? Subquestion: How do you feel about people who draft backup kickers and defenses?

I tend to agree with that although there are a few caveats. Any team with Alex Smith at QB is going to be settling for a lot of field goals. You know that going in. And any decent defense in the AFC East and AFC West is going to play a LOT of shitty offenses so sometimes it may make sense to draft one of these a little earlier than usual.

As far as a second defense and kicker, it depends on your league settings. In the G$FL, I only allow ten waiver pick-ups all season (as a reward for those who draft well). You don’t really want to blow two of your pick-ups on a bye week defense and kicker. I think I took a second kicker this year who will be cut when my defense is on a bye. But if you play in a league with unlimited moves then you would be a dipshit to waste a roster space on a second specialist.

I’ve also started to roll with a solo QB of late in the unlimited move leagues. Why carry a back-up to Brees/Rodgers/etc. that will probably cost you 5-10 bucks? That money could be better used elsewhere. And if your stud QB does get hurt, you’re fucked anyway.

2. What do you make of Jay Catler's fantasy value this year? It appears the nation is divided down the middle. Half think he's a cunt mouthed whiney bitch who is what he is at this point. A bitchy Brett Favre. Others think he's poised for a breakout year and will finally put it together. Choose a side and are you even considering him as an option this year?

The Cat has been in the league too long to have a “breakout” year. It would be a breakout year if he played all 16 games. He is in a contract year though and that is intriguing. But not that intriguing. If you are weighing the potential merits of Jay Cutler on your fantasy team then you have already lost. I think that we see more of the same: wild inconsistency and a lot him scraping himself off the turf. I LOVE him as a person though!

3. Do you have any guys you will not draft no matter the value? For example, I know I constantly say I'll never draft Darren McFadden ever again and would rather do the unspeakable before rostering that crotch bag. Shit...it's even in my answers below. But it would be hard for me to pass on him if he's still there in the 4th or 5th round. I would hope cooler heads would prevail and I wouldn't but at that point my addiction could take over and blind me from the truth. Who is your Darren McFadden? And do you think you could avoid the temptation even if the value was insane?

I thought about this for a long time and I honestly can’t think of anyone that I would never draft. Everyone has value somewhere. You would think with my reputation for revenge that that would not be the case, but it is. I was burned by Brady the year after he dumped 50 touchdowns. I set a league record on him and spent EIGHTY BUCKS on him for one quarter. I finished dead last that year. Yet I’ve re-drafted him a handful of times since but he always disappoints because he never gives ME 50 touchdown passes. Jerk.

At some point in every draft, even Ryan Mathews would make sense. I’m serious! I try not to hold too much of a grudge BUT I will probably never own Steven Jackson again. So I guess I do have my McFadden. By the way, I don’t know exactly how long he’s been in the NFL, but I have never once had Adrian Peterson. That makes me sad.

If YOU have any questions for ME (I know that you wouldn’t ask the future guest on The View), feel free to put them in the comments and I will do my best to justify what you already plan on doing anyway. I’ve got my first auction draft back in Naptown (home of The Bat Rack!) tomorrow. You all know that that is where I shine like paint, daddy, it’s our summer (Big Tymers reference, bro!). It’s also the official start of morning drinking season for me. I love morning drinking. As you all know, next week is the annual College Football Preview Week here which means that Ice and I will be taking the week off and turning the reigns over to…well…me but the readers give the bulk of the action. I’m off from creating original content here until 9/4. VACATION BRAH!

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Time To Admit It...Miguel Cabrera Is ELITE

INVISIBLE MONSTER THICKBURGER!!!
I don’t know if any of you assholes are paying attention to the Yankees right now (quietly getting back into the wild card race!), but every little news nugget coming out of New York recently is major LULZ. The FACT that Alex Rodriguez is still playing, playing well to boot, getting thrown at constantly, having his lawyers publicly run smack about everyone, and trying to clear his name (will not happen) is just so damn entertaining. I am LOVING this nightly shit show. This is like a real life version of Passions. Every day it gets weirder and weirder and I can’t get enough. I keep expecting some deranged fan to run out on the field and stab him in the neck. With Alex Rodriguez, “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE”—Kevin Garnett.

Seriously, how great was it to see Dumpster act like some retarded bad ass on Sunday night with his high octane slow ball only to give up an 800 foot A-Bomb 3 innings later which proved that trolling can go bad when you are not equipped to troll. That blew up in his face like whoa. If you are going to try and be some sort of nutjob baseball history policeman, you better not get lit up otherwise you just look foolish and pathetic. Dumpster looks really pathetic (as playing the majority of your career with the Cubs is wont to do). Remember when Clemens threw that bat shard at Homo Piazza and then the next year Shawn Estes was going to plunk him out of principle but he couldn’t? He kept missing Clemens’ fat ass somehow. Yeah, Dumpster looks just as bad.

Now that I’m done with that, let’s talk about Miguel Cabrera. Now OBVZ, none of us like him but it’s kind of hard to ignore how really fucking good he is at hitting baseballs while filled to the brim with Glenfiddich. Two weeks ago, he spent his weekend in New York hitting two moon shots off of the greatest pitcher of the last 25 years. Ummmmm, that never happens. Ever. And he didn’t even really get great swings on those dingers either. They were more of a wrist-flick than anything. A wrist-flick that went 400 feet though. It was pretty damn impressive even if I was infuriated (although we somehow won both of those games so it didn’t really matter because Brett Gardner is a Tiger Killer).

Anyway, during our drive up to Iceman’s wedding, Damman and I both admitted that Cabrera is just ridiculously good at hitting. It’s nearly impossible to get him out. Don’t believe me? After winning the triple crown last year for the first time since whenever it last happened (I’m good at research), his numbers are BETTER this year! Through Tuesday, he’s at .359/40/120. The Yankee third basemen don’t even have 40 RBI combined this year (probably…again, good at research over here) and he has 40 dongs. I’m not one of those dipshit baseball historian types that says things like “we could be watching the greatest hitter of all time” but we could be watching the greatest non-Shane Spencer hitter of all time.

Unfortunately, on Tuesday night, he tweaked his gut fat again for the third time this season. For a guy like Cabrera, gut fat is very crucial to his bulbous frame because it helps with his balance. You aren’t going to go 3 for 4 AND pass a field sobriety test on the way home if you have a sore gut fat. It’s impossible. This has to be a little troubling because the injury isn’t going away. Wait a minute—hold on one second—numbers getting better with age and nagging injuries that keep popping up seemingly out of nowhere?

Steroids. Makes perfect sense now. Miguel Cabrera is on PEDs. He’s a fucking cheater. He keeps passing these drug tests because the volume of cheap scotch is way more than the dirty urine and it overpowers the ‘roids in his system. It’s science, people! Mark it down on your…whatever…I am the first to openly point the finger at Miguel Cabrera as a liar, cheater, and dirty ass sonofabitch. His entire career is a sham. It’s the only explanation that makes sense. Please explain how it’s possible for a man that fat and gross to have reflexes that finely tuned? IMPOSSIBLE I SAY! This site was founded in 2004 to expose the truth. Well, bros, consider it exposed now! This is a bigger conspiracy than the FACT that our President HUSSEIN was born in Kenya. STOP THE LIES!

For the record, I still don’t care about PEDs. I only care about them when people that I don’t like or players on teams that I hate do them. When that happens, I can’t help but think about the sanctity of this great game and how these losers are setting a poor example for the youth of America. Either way, those two home runs that Cabrera hit off of Rivera…they never happened. Not to me. Those at-bats have giant asterisks next to them and will forever. Now who wants to talk about that bomb that A-Rod hit off of Verlander again???

This post was a lot of fun to write as I don’t get to sound like a drooling tardbilly all that often. Tomorrow will mark the final Fantasy Football Friday of the year. Make a note of it. I’m sure that there will be plenty of arguments about Tom E. Brady again. Can’t wait!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Brian Hartline Is A Female Reproductive Organ

Which one of you smart alecs put water in my bottle of jizz?
We are still a couple of weeks away from original NFL predictions post here. You can cut the tension with a knife at Money Shot HQ. I was extremely tempted to pick the Dolphins to win the AFC East as a way to reward IceBro for swearing multiple times during his best man speech. That’s not going to happen anymore. And we have finally found our first season-ending injury of someone that we all know.

In case you missed it on Saturday night, Lauren Tannehill’s husband threw a pass to underrated TE Dut Keller in the flat. Texans rookie S DJ Swearinger tackled him low and Dut’s knee went in about 40 different directions. He tore everything. He gone. It sucks for him and for the team but this is the shit that happens. Swearinger, who is a goddamn maniac and I mean that in a good way, was quoted after the game saying that he knows not to go after the head and that “it’s football, BRO!”. And he’s right. He did nothing wrong. He made a hit exactly how the NFL wants defensive players to make hits.

Enter Brian Hartline who yesterday called that hit “crap”. I have no idea why. He seems to think that Swearinger purposely targeted the knee of Dut K. Well of course he did, genius. That’s how you play defense. Hartline isn’t buying that talk of the not being dirty. Apparently, Bri Bri believed that receivers should only be hit from the belt buckle to an inch above the navel. There is only a three inch section of a receiver’s body that is cool for contact, dammit! Fuck Brian Hartline. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It would be nice to watch TJ Ward give him an ELITE concussion during week one. A couple of other preseason notes because those are interesting as fuck!

*The outcomes don’t matter at all but the way that you play certainly does. I watched Ryan Kerrigan sit on Big Ben’s head for an entire half the other night against the first team OL for the Steelers. The Skins haven’t had a pass rush since I was born but they were constantly taking the QB into the stall the other night. That’s not a good sign at all. Ben is going to die this year…maybe from a Mike Adams stab wound.

*The outcomes don’t matter at all but the way that you play certainly does. While it is disappointing to see my boy, J-Camp, lose the starting job to Weeden: King of Talent, you can’t deny that the Browns are showing a little bit of swag so far. Confidence is not something that has been seen in Cleveland since LeBron pre-shitting all over us.

* The outcomes don’t matter at all but the way that you play certainly does. Unless you are a veteran team with an established quarterback, of course. Teams like Seattle need to keep proving themselves. The Broncos? Yeah, they’ll see on that opening Thursday night.

*Rob Chudzinski looks exactly like what Jay Catler will look like in 25 years. Minus the scratching post and nip of course.

*The Skins are going to be good this year. You heard me.

That will do it for today. If you didn’t like today’s post and think that “it’s crap”, then go play tummysticks with Brian Hartline.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Back To The Grind


Our goal is to make it longer than these two.  Dream big, right?



Well kids, the honeymoon is over.  Literally.  Back to reality and back to work tomorrow.  It's like a slap to the lips with the head of a dirty dick.  This is going to be a mail in post today since I just got off an 11 hour flight from hell.  So what I'll do is just recap the highlights of Hawaii for everyone and maybe throw in a sports topic at the end.

First...we missed our flight to LA.  Tremendous way to start out the honeymoon.  Wheelz misread the departure time and we got to the airport just as our flight was taking off.  By the time they found us a new flight, we were going to miss all of the other connecting flights at every other airport so we were stranded in LA for the very first night of our honeymoon.  It actually worked out though because I was able to watch a rerun of the first episode of Breaking Bad that night.  And the hotel room was free.  And the airline gave us $25 vouchers for food and whatever else we wanted for the next day.  I bought a Dodgers t-shirt because that was the only shirt in LAX that didn't make me look like a touristy douche cake.

The first island we went to was Kauai.  It's country as fuck and they like it that way.  Every time we talked to a local and told them we were heading to Oahu in 2 days they turned up their nose and huffed at the notion of ever considering such a dreadful place.  I don't do well with pompous.  We arrived at the resort and when we checked in we were informed our room was given to someone else on accident.  Of fucking course it was.  OBVZ Wheelz has special room needs and requirements because of her paralysis and this was the only room that was going to work for her...and it was gone because some sausage fingered dildo had too much SPAM grease in their eye to realize what they were doing.  So the manager gave us like a night free and some other shit.  Wheelz didn't seem to mind so I just let it be.

Kauai was cool but I don't know if I could have done more than 2 days there.  Like I said, the locals were pretty asshole-ish about everything and didn't take kindly to tourists.  And there were wild chickens fucking EVERYWHERE.  We spent a few hours in this place called Hanapepe and I swear I was in Kakariko Village from The Ocarina of Time.  Chickens everywhere...windmills...children running in the streets...me breaking clay pots searching for rupees.  It was pretty fucking bizarre.  I bought a locally made menehune in that village that creeped the shit out of Wheelz to the core.  Best purchase I've ever made.

Now Oahu.  We ate at some pretty ELITE places on that island.  North Shore Taco was the tits and Hank's Haute Dogs was my personal favorite.  You haven't lived until you've had a hot dog wrapped in bacon and then deep fried.  Take a moment to absorb what I just told you.  They also fried their fries in duck fat which is out of this fucking world awesome.

The traffic on Oahu is fucking stupid as shit.  No matter where you're trying to go make sure you have at least an hour to get there.  There are 3 very popular beaches along the coast of North Shore and people will stop at fucking nothing to make sure they have a spot there.  No matter how backed up the traffic gets.

We went to the Dole Plantation.  It was meh.  If anyone tells you that you MUST HAVE A DOLE WHIP you have my permission to uppercut their choad.  OVERRATED if you ask me.  The most hilarious thing about the Dole plantation was how people were frantically buying pineapples from there to have them shipped to their family or friends on the mainland.  I LOL'ed so hard at this because....WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THE DOLE PINEAPPLES YOU BUY AT THE LOCAL GROCERY STORE COME FROM YOU FUCKING DOLT?!?!  James Dole and his family thanks you for being a fucking idiot.

I'm not familiar with the Asian culture at all.  But I have a suspicion they despise the handicapped.  Or maybe in Asia they take all of the handicapped community and execute them.  Or ship them off to a fucking deserted island or something.  Shit, I have no idea.  But it was pretty clear that the entire Asian culture either doesn't spend time around people in wheelchairs or they make it a point not to.  It just seemed like every single person who cut off Wheelz or bumped into her chair or did something incredibly rude was fucking Asian.  Speaking of Asians...

Pearl Harbor is just an incredible thing to witness.  We spent about 7 hours there and went everywhere that place had to offer.  We toured the hangars (that still have original bullet holes from the attack), spent a few hours on the U.S.S. Missouri and of course, the U.S.S. Arizona memorial.  For those unfamiliar, the Arizona was seen as an unsinkable WWII battleship until the Japanese got ahold of it.  You can still see the shipwreck through the water and the ship itself still leaks oil.  The most haunting thing about that place is knowing that the harbor is still the tomb of over 950 dead soldiers.  They were never removed from their watery graves.  Probably my favorite part of the whole trip because I'm a closet history nerd.  What of it?  If possible, get yourself to Pearl Harbor.  It's TOTES worth the trip.

On Oahu we stayed in cottages on Turtle Bay.  On the last day we discovered the exact same cottages we stayed in were used in the filming of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  We also found out that 75% of that movie was filmed on that resort.  I spent the next few hours regurgitating ELITE lines from that movie.  Lines that mostly went unnoticed because if it's not a fucking Disney movie or a God damn cartoon, chances are my shiny new wife hasn't seen it.

So that's about it.  We did and saw a lot more but those were the highlights.  Well...that and Grumpy trying to lecture me about winning an argument about Tom Brady while I was on my honeymoon.  Never question my dedication to this site!  Oh...and apparently I'm famous now too.  That actually blows because believe it or not I'm a pretty private guy.  We're supposed to be on The View in like 3 weeks.  I plan on giving Whoopi Goldberg a hand written love note from Ide.  Oh...and I don't feel like throwing a sports topic out there so I guess I lied.  It's not the first time I've let you all down and certainly won't be the last.

Monday, August 19, 2013

The Day Has Finally Arrived: Sports Card Day!

After numerous requests to finally write about it, I'm doing it.  I spent a few hours on Saturday going through boxes of cards and I am ready to write about something that most of us spent a decent amount of our youth doing: collecting trading cards.  This is a loaded topic because if done correctly, it would be longer than that 90's Music Draft post from last week.  And I ain't doing that.  But I'm going to do my best.  I still have all of my baseball cards (as well as other sports--including old WWF cards!--but we're going to call them baseball cards anyway).  My dad bought me a complete set of Topps every year from 1980 to somewhere in the mid 90s.  I loved the day when I was able to sort them and put them in binders with those plastic sleeves.  Good times, BRAH!

I have no idea who makes what these days and I don't care to find out.  I know that my oldest nephew is into baseball cards and that brings me great joy even if he has no idea what he's doing.  He'll learn.  I was able to remember 9 different brands of cards and I'd like to discuss them briefly before we get into my collection.

*Topps - nothing flashy and not the most valuable, but they give me good memories and are reliable
*Donruss - "Rated Rookie", son!
*Fleer - Fuck Fleer.  I always thought that this was a Canadian company.  Possible even French Canadian!  Fuck 'em.
*Upper Deck - I found these cards to be smug and off-putting.  They always thought that they were better than what they actually were.  They're the Arby's of sports cards.  The pricing was absurd and no one ever understood why.
*Score - Their baseball cards sucked but they had quality football cards in the early 90's.
*Pro Set - These came along in the early 90's and they were the best football cards.  The pictures were terrific.  This is probably my favorite brand of all trading cards.
*NBA Hoops - Whatever.  Every time that I bought a pack of these, Danny Ferry's stupid face was inside.  That is inexcusable.
*Sky Box - Sky Box was the GOAT basketball card.
*Bowman - Such pieces of shit.  Anyone that had a bunch of Bowman cards in their collection was likely good friends with Darth Vader in The Sandlot.  What I'm trying to say is that Bowman was for old fuckers.

OK then, now that that is out of the way, let's examine my collection that I was pretty impressed with after not looking at them for at least the last 10-15 years.  We're just going to run through GOOD and BAD athletes that I had at least 25 cards of.  We'll start with the treasures:

Michael Irvin - He was always one of my most hated players but I saw value in his rookie cards (or I'm just afraid to get stabbed in the neck) and thus have quite a few of them.
Barry Sanders - Barry will always be one of my favorite players of all time and I have over 500 of his cards.  You're reading that right.  500+.
Brett Favre - Ugh, I have at least ten of his rookie cards where he's wearing that Southern Miss or Falcons uniform.
Marshall Faulk - I barely remembered that he started with the Colts.  Man, can you imagine if Faulk (one of the most underrated RBs ever) played his career with Peyton?
Emmitt Smiff - What the fuck is going on with me collecting 90's Cowboys?  That is so unlike me. 
Troy Aikman - Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!!!  Where are all of my Gary Clark and Ricky Sanders rookies?  Oh well, it can't be a bad thing to have a bunch of rookie cards of Hall of Famers.
Jerry Rice - Out of everyone that played sports in the history of the world, I horded more Rice cards than everyone.  I LOVED Rice.  Much like Barry, I have over 500 cards of Jerry Rice.  Unfortunately, though, no rookie cards.  That is disappointing.  I have a couple of year 2 cards, but no debuts.
Warren Moon - You can't call me a racist, Warren!  The decision to collect Moon cards was 100% because I loved playing as the Oilers in Super Tecmo.  And I took his advice to heart by not smoking crack.
Frank Thomas - I was always a big fan of The Big Hurt.  I've got at least 8 of his Topps RCs where he is wearing his Auburn gear.
Ken Griffey, Jr - If you are around my age and didn't treat Juniors cards like gold then you were an idiot.  I didn't do a lot of high volume single person collecting of baseball cards for whatever reason, but these two were the exception.
Shaq - I've got quite a few Diesel rookie cards which is awesome but doesn't fill the void of having my Shaq Diesel CD stolen out of my car on 13th Street.
Kevin Garnett - This makes me feel dirty.
Scottie Pippen - I think he's broke now which would make his card worth more than he is.
David Robinson - Hold your boner, Ape.
Charles Barkley - Sir Charles was my absolute favorite basketball player growing up and I have a fuck ton of his cards.

BAD IDEA JEANS!
Jeff George - Jesus Christ, what was I thinking?  I must have been possessed by Jason Whitlock's fat, black ass.
Deion Sanders - If it was just his football cards, then that would not be a big deal.  But I appeared to be addicted to his baseball cards!  Why do I have so many of these things!!!
Cris Carter - Fuck that guy.
Herman Moore - I've got nothing but love for one of the more underrated receivers of all time but I have to laugh at myself for putting multiple of his rookie cards in those hard cases.
Ricky Watters - Not a bad RB but not worth the hard shell that his cards were put in.
Lawrence Phillips - COUNT THAT SHIT, BRO!!!  I'm keeping those beauties!
Rafael Palmeiro - I remember buying his Donruss rookie at Rick's for like twenty bucks.  It probably isn't worth twenty cents now.
Robin Ventura - I doubled down on the Frank Thomas hording with Rockin' Robin.  Didn't work out nearly as well.
Roger Clemens - Yeeeeeeeesh.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Jim Abbott - Fuck.  Yes.  If you have been looking for a few Jim Abbott cards for your collection, I know a guy.  He is me.
Joe Smith - The most non-descript #1 pick of all time!  Horrible name/average game.  I did like him as a Cav though.
Glenn Robinson - BIG DOG!
Isaiah JR Rider - Young me deemed his rookie cards to be quite valuable.  I should have been placed in special ed classes.

MY PRIDE AND JOY!  There are two things that I probably overvalue.
*I have Wade Boggs' Fleer, Donruss, and Topps rookie cards from the early 80's.  As soon as he left Boston, I became a huge Boggs fan.  Also, the urban legend surrounding him is the best.
*I have over 500 Michael Jordan cards.  Unfortunately, I never got a hold of his rookie card but I think I have multiple cards of everything else. Having a ton of cards for the best basketball player to ever live was/is/will continue to be a great decision.

Well, that's what I've got.  The wife has been told numerous times that we will never be getting rid of these.  After reading about that house in Defiance that had like a billion dollars worth of old cards in the attic, I'd be a damned fool to throw them away.  If worse comes to worse, maybe one day I can use them to upgrade me from the worst assisted living facility to the second worst.  You've got to have goals.  Let's do this!

Friday, August 16, 2013

FFF: The OVERRATEDS!

You guys talking about OVERRATED players?  HELLO!
Now that we are done talking about that one guy’s wedding (totally a diva, bros), it’s time that we got back to spending our August Fridays the right way: with fantasy football talk. I have my first draft of the year on Sunday (year 11 of the G$FL). We’ve heard enough already about how Ide is the defending champion. With the crown comes the obligation to do the draft position lottery drawing for the next year. We did this on Saturday. Ide drew himself out of the bag first and he thought that that meant he was on the clock at #1. He was heartbroken. Once I gave him the “good” news that it actually meant he was picking TWELF, he was pumped. I have never met a single person who would rather pick last than first. He must really hate that BUM, Adrian Peterson. Granted, he won the league picking in the 12 hole, but still it seemed like a dumb reaction to me. Anyway, let’s get into the OVERRATED players of 2013:

QB – Tom Brady. I have had this guy slotted here for the last month so his potential knee injury had nothing to do with this (although it sounds like he’s fine and was just being a bitch on Wednesday). I don’t want anything at all to do with the Patriots this year. Brady is OBVZ a great QB but you sort of need competent pass catchers to be valuable, don’t you? His #1 receiver is MICHAEL JENKINS (or not since he just got cut...way to go from #1 to unemployed, you piece of shit). That guy is so bad that he was once Craig Krenzel’s #1 receiver. Spare me the “Amendola is the #1” horseshit. He’s a slot receiver that is always hurt. Who the fuck knows if Gronk is going to play due to his back and arm hepatitis A-Z. New England is going to have to run the ball a lot this year because there is no other option. I’m not saying that you should avoid Brady like soy tacos, but I am saying that he will not be on any of my teams this year. QB is deep this year. I don’t need a guy with a shaky knee and no receivers. You can have him. Last year’s pick: Cam Newton (nailed it…by the time he started playing, his owners were already 0-8).

RB – CJ Spiller. I know for a FACT that Iceman loves this guy (would consider picking him at #2!!!) and I’m sure that Jeff does as well. New Bills coach (who was TOTES qualified for this job) Doug Marrone says that they are going to run Spiller until he pukes/gets hurt/dies. That is a nice thing to hear and all but Spiller gets hurt all the fucking time. Wouldn’t giving him more carries just mean that he goes on IR earlier? Think of it another way: exactly what is preventing opposing defenses from stuffing 11 guys in the box? It ain’t the arm of EJ Horrible Draft Pick or Kevin Kolb’s limp noodle. Spiller is probably going to go in the mid to late first round in most leagues and I just can’t fathom myself drafting a Bill with my first pick. I like Spiller’s talent but BUYER BEWARE. FYI, he’s also not going to get a ton of goal line carries because that’s not who he is and the Bills aren’t going to score much. Last year’s pick: DeMarco Murray (nailed it again).

WR – The Broncos Big Three. Now, this section is different than the above two because I would never tell you not to draft Thomas, Welker, or Decker. What makes these three guys collectively OVERRATED is that you are going to have to reach (or overpay big time) to get any of them. Thomas and Decker each had nice seasons last year but the addition of Welker is going to cost both of them at least 15-20 catches. That’s a fucking lot of missed fantasy production. It basically is simple supply and demand here. The demand for balls is far greater than the availability of them. Last year’s pick: Andre Johnson (another win for me!!!)

TE – Tony Gonzalez. Last year, all the talking heads were in awe of the great TE DEPF and less than a year later, we’re down to 1 ELITE TE (Graham). That was quick. Just scanning through the rankings, I couldn’t really find one that is ranked too high outside of this old dude. SI has him as the #4 TE and he is clearly only around this year to piggyback a Super Bowl run. If he wants a ring that bad, he probably should have chosen another QB to latch on to. Tony G is old and hasn’t even reported to camp yet because he “made a commitment to his son” whatever the fuck that means. I’d stay away if I were you. Same thing with last year’s OVERRATED pick, Antonio Gates (4 for 4!!!).

K – Mason Crosby. Dude is going to get cut very soon because he is terrible. I wonder if Ted Thompson has my number. I thought that the best line from Deadspin's This Team Sucks on the Packers was "I trust Ray Finkle more than Mason Crosby." That's gold. It's a damn shame that old Butters Kaeding picked up his tee and went home forever. He might have been the most OVERRATED footman in the history of football. OH HAMBURGERS!

DEF – Chicago. Remember how they scored like 25 touchdowns last year? There is no way in Hell that that happens again. They will be back to mediocre again. Fuck off, Prime.

I have the FIF pick on Sunday which is right where I don’t want to be. I hate the middle picks. The way that I have it figured out, the first four picks will be some sort of AP, Foster, Rodgers, and Brees combo. At least it should be in a 6 point passing TD league (the way fantasy football is supposed to be played). And that leaves me in a weird spot. I’m not taking Doug Martin. I would say that right now, my options are Ray Rice, Skittles Lynch, or Peyton. I am leaning heavily toward Lynch. Thoughts on that? Frankly, I love him. He runs over defenders like he did drunk broads in Buffalo. Gentlemen, Draft Day is upon us. FUCK YEAH!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Me Rip Robert? That's Unpossible!

Leave Bobby alone.  LEAVE HIM ALONE!
As a few of you are aware, I am pretty big fan of the Washington REDSKINS. Yes, it is true. After two long decades of horrible play and best players getting murdered, I am extremely optimistic for this year as we look to build on our first NFC East title since 1999. Only a Browns fan would be jealous of that “success” rate.

Anyway, my boy, RG3, continues to be a huge fixation of the mainstream media as he looks to be ready for the week one ass-kicking of Chip Kelly (a guarantee). That means that ESPN and all other outlets are doing what they do and ramming this story into the ground and I hate this. Every fucking day, SportsCenter is leading off with some press conference or report from Redskins camp and nothing ever changes. RG3 is practicing. He is not going to play in preseason games. He wants to play in preseason games. Shanny says LOL NO. RG3 wants to play anyway. He won’t. This is not going to go any other way.

We’ve already discussed how absurd it was for Bobby G to get criticized for accepting wedding gifts from fans and how stupid hillbilly troll, Mike Florio, is for demanding that a team’s QB change the team’s name. And, for the most part, other than when you unsuccessfully try to get under my skin and into my dome with the homo lies, we all like the guy. He’s a hell of a player and a good dude. But I think that the spotlight might be starting to get to him. I’ve watched these press conferences and I’ve seen the way that his answers have gotten a tad angrier each day that he answers the same stupid questions from the same lardos that write for websites way worse than this one. He’s starting to get pissed off and I love it because it’s about fucking time. I would have snapped a long time ago. Take these two dynamite “stories” from “respected” lamestream media members for example:

*Donovan McNabb thinks that RG3 is being brain-washed by the Shanahans! Why does he feel that way? He does not say but it could have a lot to do with the fact that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. McNabb is fucking terrible.

*Michael Wilbon said on PTI Tuesday that he thinks that RG3 is being held out of preseason games because the Shanahans secretly want Kirk Cousins to be the team’s starting quarterback. HE SAID THIS. I HEARD IT. HE WAS NOT JOKING. The same guy who spent two weeks crushing the organization for letting RG3 play is now ripping them again for not letting him play even though he really, really wants to be out there. How does this make any sense? Wilbon is also fucking terrible.

And since those little nuggets of shitty journalism dropped within the last 48 hours, guess what the media is going to be asking RG3 about now? And guess what is going to lead SportsCenter now? It never fucking ends. It won’t end until ESPN can read a tweet on the air of what LeBron James thinks. They do this shit every fucking day. They take good dudes or good stories or whatever and just beat a dead John Elway over and over again until the public has no choice but to hate the guy. The same thing is going to happen here, too. Eventually, we’re going to get fed up and everyone is going to give him the Timmy Tens/Johnny Football treatment and it isn’t going to be his fault at all.

For the record, I’m with the team on this one. Week one was the goal. It was never week three of preseason. Sit your ass down, take all the mental reps that you can handle, and listen to your damn coach, Robbie. Don’t go out and whine about how much you want to be out there into the microphones. That isn’t helping anything. You knew that this was the plan all along. They listened to you the first time when you said that you were fine and OK to play. That didn’t work out so well. So now you sit and wait while the trade value for Kirk Cousins goes through the fucking roof which, along with your health, is a HUGE thing for the organization.

Did I just write a post with a negative tone toward RG3? What’s next? Will Ohio Buckeye fans all of a sudden say something mean about Urban Meyer? Nah, that would never happen. Oh and just in case anyone was wondering, McNabb and Wilbon play tummysticks with each other on a nightly basis. I can’t wait for real games to start so all of these stupid fucking fake drama reports can end. Thanks for caring about my personal rant today and stay tuned for another edition of Fantasy Football Friday tomorrow where we talk about the OVERRATED!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Enjoy Your Lifetime of Shame, Bro

Classy broad!
As many of us are still trying to wake up from yesterday’s grunge coma, I feel the need to take you all on a stroll down Memory/Champions Lane yet again. The year is…I don’t know…5 years ago or so. Commenter Burke is still living the high life in central Ohio and taking advantage of his connections at Muirfield during The Memorial. If I recall, he used to go to the course almost every day and would get an ELITE sunburn instantly. Anyway, at one point, Tiger and Ernie Els (paired up) are teeing off at some hole and Burke is standing next to the tee box. Ernie rips his tee shot and Burke yells “COME HERE GIRL”. If you are unaware of this phrase, it was created and perfected by K-Dog and best pronounced/screamed “CUMEEERGRRRRL”. It is never not funny. It is still used to this day. Hell, it was used in Toledo on Saturday afternoon.

I shit you not, this primal scream made Tiger chuckle. I know this because I saw it on The Golf Channel. This was before he was discovered to be an ELITE pussy hound—back when he was a robot only fixated on winning. If “COME HERE GIRL” is able to break Tiger, is there anything that it can’t do? Unfortunately, every dipshit on the planet has been trying to top “COME HERE GIRL” on a weekly basis ever since and they have all been unsuccessful. This was never more evident than this past weekend at the PGA Championship where every brain-dead New Yorker (all of them) tried to make a funny on seemingly every backswing from every golfer.

I hate Ian Poulter (and to a lesser extent Lee Chokewood) but he’s right. All of those assholes who yell “get in the hole” or “mashed potatoes” or even the guy that mouth-farted out an “ICEMAN” should be tazed. It has nothing to do with golf being prim and proper and only for elitist assholes though. It has everything to do with that NOT BEING FUNNY. It isn’t clever. You aren’t an originator. It pisses people off when some piss-ass rural New Yorker (congrats on being pointless, Bills fan!) tries to put the spotlight on him by yelling YOU DA MAN. He may be, sir, but you definitely are not. Yelling random shit post-swing was always annoying but this weekend it truly jumped the shark forever. Golf used to be a gentleman’s game for the Shooter McGavins of the world. Now it seems to be nothing but supporters of Happy Gilmore. Which means that, pretty soon, we’re going to see two big fat bikers having sex out in the woods behind the 16th green at Augusta. YES!

We peaked at COME HERE GIRL. We hit rock bottom this past weekend. Sports fans are the absolute worst. Leave the comedy bits for funny people like me.

On the contrary though, big ups to that SF Giants fan who threw a banana at the Orioles Adam “Not Pacman” Jones over the weekend. You don’t see quality racism like that anymore! That’s some Jackie Robinson-type stuff. The guy said that he lobbed that fruit at the opposing team’s CF because he was upset at how the Giants were playing. This might be the laziest excuse ever. You wouldn’t think that something like this would happen in a place as pussified as San Francisco but blatant racism TRANSCENDS all cities, I guess.

So the gist of today’s garbage is to bitch about stupid fan behavior. We all know that “the wave” is annoying but I also find the 7th Inning Stretch at Wrigley to be equally stupid. Every time I hear it I just want to throw a pot of collard greens at my TV. Count it. COME HERE GIRL!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Music Mock Draft - 90's Edition.




"Flannel shirts on three!  One..Two...Three..."



Well dick lickers, I’m officially married and on vacation in Hawaii.  Eat your ass out.  And since Iceman > Ape when it comes to all things and ESPECIALLY blogging…I thought ahead and called upon frequent commenter Prime for a little collaboration post instead of calling in married sick this week.  Yeah.  Two weeks in a row partnering with Prime so let the boyfriend/lover jokes continue.

Music is one topic we often avoid here which is a shame since we all love it.  So Prime and I decided to have a mock draft of the 10 best bands from the 90’s.  You won’t find any rap on here because rap is for Aaron Hernandez murderers and black kids aspiring for a future career in crime.  The format is the same as the NBA mock draft G$ and I made Internet famous and the only rule is the bands being picked must have had their mainstream success blossom in the 90’s.  For each artist we also included best song, worst song and a fun fact in order to make this post longer than Greg Oden’s purple python dick.  Seriously…strap in.  It’s really fucking long.  I drew the first pick and reactions from me and Prime follow each selection.

With the first overall pick in the 90's music draft, Iceman selects:  Pearl Jam.

The LeBron James of 90's artists.  If anyone tries to make an argument for any other band here they can kindly fellate turds.  Eddie Vedder made dressing like a pedophile, homeless lumberjack look cool and had a voice that could soak your grandmother's silver bush.  Not to mention he spearheaded the "Get Fucked Ticketmaster" campaign later on in his musical career.  I'm like 90% sure that was the official name of that protest.  I would put Ten, Vs. and Vitalogy up against any three albums of any artist in the history of music.  The resume speaks for itself and their 90’s catalog is virtually untouchable.

Best song of the 90's: It would be super easy and cliché to pick something off Ten.  So I'm going with “Animal” from Vs.  It's a straight dick punch.  A dick punch you would welcome.

Worst song of the 90's: “Bugs” from  Vitalogy.  Vedder must have been snorting bath salts off Stone Gossard’s boner when he wrote this song.  Just fuckin weird...

Fun Fact: Before becoming Pearl Jam, the band was known as Mookie Blaylock.  Yes...THAT Mookie Blaylock.

Prime's Reaction: I guess I'm going to "kindly fellate turds" because I will make the argument that Nirvana is better than Pearl Jam.  Kurt Cobain was in fact that one that made dressing like a lumberjack cool, wrote the consensus #1 song of the 90's ("Smells Like Teen Spirit") and paved the way for Pearl Jam and bands of that ilk to thrive.

With the second pick in the 90's music draft, Prime selects: Nirvana

Their songs were simple, distorted, and catchy as hell.  Listening to In Utero with the recommended EQ settings (bass +2, treble +5) is like treating your ears to a BJ from Minka Kelly.  I know G$ is partial to the lesser known "Aneurysm" which is also a a nice little gem to dust off from time to time.  Also, Cobain fucking hated being popular so much that he married a twat that must have smelled like expired whole milk to make people turn on him.  In a cruel twist of irony they just liked him more, so in the most rock 'n' roll move ever, he killed himself by shooting himself in the face with a shotgun.  Eddie Vedder was too chicken-shit to get it done, so my team is STREMPHENED by the addition of the toughest band of the 90's.

Best song of the 90's: Since I mentioned that "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is almost universally thought of as the defining anthem of the 90's, I guess it would be that song.  However, I'm always partial to "Drain You" off of Nevermind.

Worst song of the 90's: If you happened to be one of the "lucky" ones to have the Nevermind CD with the extended final track, you've heard "Endless, Nameless."  You might have also pulled a Cobain afterwards.

Fun fact: Supposedly, the shotgun used for Cobain's suicide was too long to have the trigger pulled by hand. He would've had to use his toe.  However, he was found with his shoes on... [dun dun DUN...]
Iceman's Reaction:  I'm going to catch musician elitist hell for this...but I have a hard time putting Nirvana in my top 5.  Most people will have Nirvana in the top 2 because most people are mindless trolls who just follow the line to suck Cobain's dead cock.  Top 10...not top 5.
With the third pick in the 90's music draft, Iceman selects: Alice In Chains.

I think people will consider this a bit of a reach but I staunchly disagree.  If there a better overall musician in the 90's than Jerry Cantrell I would like to know his name.  Then I will punch both of you in the buttholes for being completely wrong.  Cantrell was a fucking killer song writer and was responsible for every last hit AIC had.  AND he still found time to show his acting chops in Jerry MaGuire!!  What made this pick decision final is how Layne Staley was doing heroin before it was cool.  Old school hard narcotics use because you're a dependent, dipshit, loser junkie and not for street cred points goes a long way in my book.

Best Song of the 90's: “Man In The Box” from Facelift.  This song still makes my nipples tingle every single time I hear it.  Every single time.  Staley rips on that track and it's one of the most perfect songs I've ever heard from start to finish.

Worst Song of the 90's: “Heaven Beside You” from Self Titled.  For selfish reasons...this song always reminds me of one of my skanky ex-girlfriends.  Even if it didn't I just don't think it's a very solid track.

Fun Fact: When Staley's body was found rotting in his home I was a senior in college and fucked up at a bar when the news broke.  When I told my buddies at the bar, a complete stranger came up to me and asked me to repeat what I had just said.  When I did, he gave me the most awkward bro hug, took 3 steps away from me and then broke the fuck down.  Like serious uncontrollable sobbing.  It was totally pathetic and I'll never forget it.

Prime's Reaction: 3 for fucking 3 on Seattle bands.  Apparently fog, rain, and the anal wartiest TV show I ever watched a full season of (The Killing) make for some fantastic music.  Alice In Chains is not a reach- they are phenomenal.  The harmonies between Cantrell and Staley can make a demon purr.  But I still like my next pick better...

With the fourth pick in the 90's music draft, Prime selects: Stone Temple Pilots.

Are the DeLeo Brothers insanely talented music writers? Yes.  Is Scott Weiland a train-wreck all the time, but can sing his balls off when he is not riding the heroin tsunami? Fucking yes.  Between Core and Purple there are nine singles you should be very familiar with.  I don't even need to bring in their later albums (although Tiny Music... and No. 4 both have another five singles, at minimum, you should know- I celebrate their entire catalog.)  STP should be our generation's Rolling Stones if Weiland was able to use drugs like a responsible rock star.  Unfortunately, he holds his drugs like Iceman holds his whiskey and recent events has STP touring with the singer from world music band, Lin Kin Park.  And Weiland is suing them.  None of this mattered in the 90's and they are still my dominant second pick.

Best song of the 90's: They opened their debut album with "Dead & Bloated."  What a sick mix of metal and pop.  I imagine more than one person has committed murder while blasting that song in their ear holes.

Worst song of the 90's: "Wet My Bed"- much like Pearl Jam's "Bugs," this is a filler song that wasn't very good, though I'm betting it was autobiographical, so that's pretty funny.

Fun fact: The first CD I ever owned was Purple.  I'm very proud of this.  Core was the fourth CD I ever owned.  I knew how to rock in middle school.

Iceman's Reaction: The next logical step in this draft.  Not to say it's not a great pick...because it is.  I went back and FORF with STP and AIC at 3 and ultimately landed on Chains because Staley > Weiland at heroin.  If you're doing drugs correctly, they're supposed to kill you so all of us can be left to wonder what could have been instead of wondering "Why hasn't drugs killed this guy yet?'.  And stop pretending to like whiskey, Prime.  You’re not 80.

With the fifth pick in the 90's music draft Iceman selects:  The Smashing Pumpkins.

I'm drafting for need at this position.  I already have my two franchise bands locked up so I figured it was time to start drafting the glue to build a championship.  Although the Pumpkins had their traditional rock album with Siamese Dream, Corgan and Co. were also able to successfully compose a record that would have seemed downright fucking gay if any other rock band had attempted it when they released Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.  It still had classic Pumpkins tracks like "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" but also dared to explore territory most 90's rock bands feared with offerings like "Tonight, Tonight".  They showed diversity most 90's bands didn't have because Billy Corgan had the hairy sack to make shit he liked and really didn't give a fuck if anyone else did.  Lucky for him, we loved it.

Best song of the 90's: For me it will always be "Today" off Siamese Dream.  That song fucking bakes cookies and that entire album could be the most flawless album I've ever heard from any band ever.

Worst song of the 90's: "Thirty Three" off Mellon Collie.  They made a creepy ass music video with a guy dancing around in a rabbit head which I TOTES appreciate.  But the song blows.  There's just no way around it.

Fun Fact: Frontman Billy Corgan dated Courtney Love AND is an avid wrestling fan.  Like...not Olympic wresting.  Like...WWE wrestling.  So, yeah…….

Prime's Reaction: Smashing Pumpkins is a great band.  Billy Corgan is also a huge Cubs fan, which adds to his awesomeness.  While their guitar tone and distortion is among the best of the decade, and Siamese Dream is fantastic, they do have a bunch of soft songs that miss the mark completely (the aforementioned "Thirty-Three," "Sweet Sweet," and "Galapagos.")  Look, all these bands are great, so the only way to hate on Iceman's pick is to say that I'm glad he didn't pick my next selection instead as they are superior.

With the sixth pick in the 90's music draft Prime selects: Foo Fighters

Hells fuckin' yeah I did!  Both Dave Grohl bands on my squad means that I've already won.  Dave Grohl is the finest all around musician of our generation.  When Kurt Cobain perished under the weight of Courtney Love's camel toe/murder plot, no one knew what would happen to Dave Grohl or Krist Novoselic.  Well, Novoselic looks like a hobo and pan-handles in back alleys of Aberdeen, WA trading blow jobs for cronuts.  Grohl, on the other hand, took a shot at recording a demo of his own songs, completely BY HIMSELF, and that demo turned into the Foo Fighters first record.  I remember when I heard "This Is A Call" on the radio.  I was excited to hear what Grohl would do and I was not disappointed.  I got the CD the week it came out and I was immediately floored.  It was different than Nirvana, but at the same time, it rocked a shit-ton, and was just a fun fucking listen- the way rock music is supposed to be.  Following that up with The Colour And The Shape and There Is Nothing Left To Lose- c'mon. This band is fucking amazing.

Which leads me to this brain buster.  If you could go back in time and stop Kurt Cobain from dying (however it happened), but by doing so, you would sacrifice the entire Foo Fighters catalog... would you do it?  Regardless of the fact that I drafted Nirvana first for my team based on drafting strategy and the fact that I'm only taking Foo Fighters' 90's catalog into consideration, I know I would not chance losing the Foo Fighters current catalog for what could have been with Nirvana.  I believe Nirvana would have put out more great music, but Grohl has butt-fucked the art of rock song writing and made it his bitch.

Best song of the 90's: "Monkey Wrench" is a song that always gets the juices flowing.  The screaming part near the end of the song is so dominant that it alone justifies my selection.

Worst song of the 90's: Loud punk screamer "Weanie Beanie" from the first record is, in my opinion, a throw away track.

Fun fact: Dave Grohl played drums for Tom Petty, Queens of the Stone Age, Nine Inch Nails, and Them Crooked Vultures post-Nirvana.

Iceman's reaction:  Bastard.  That's so good, it should have been mine.  And I already said Jerry Cantrell is the best musician of the 90’s so you can be wrong and Grohl can be number two.  But you’re correct about "Monkey Wrench".  That song makes me want to punch through a uterus every time I hear it.  Oh...and Grohl > Cobain.  Yeah.  I said it.

With the seventh pick in the 90's music draft Iceman selects: Green Day

I just flipped this draft on its fucking head.  People often forget about Green Day when naming best bands of the 90's because they weren't "grunge", from Seattle and didn't follow the formula laid out by the likes of Pearl Jam and STP.  Every single person you know owned and probably still owns Dookie.  What Green Day did was bravely pave the road for main stream punk music or what people today call "pop punk".  Almost every band I listen to today is who they are because of Green Day.  And almost every "punk" elitist that still cranks off in a dark room while a forty five of the Sex Pistols spins in the background hates Green Day and how they're responsible for making punk music popular.  Double win.  Music elitists are just as bad as beer and liquor snobs so anything that helps contribute to their fucking misery has a spot on my roster any day.

Best song of the 90's: Basket Case off Dookie.  The video was awesome, the song is better and it punk elitists loathe it.  The trifecta.

Worst song of the 90's: Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) off Nimrod.  This was my high school graduation song but I hated it long before that.  It was either this pappy crap or some homo fluff put out by Dave Matthews Band.  I voted for Good Riddance...lesser of two evils.

Fun Fact: When Greed Day's first single "Longview" hit the mainstream, it was widely thought that Billy Jo Armstrong was gay and British.  He is actually American, bisexual and was married to a real woman with tits and everything when Green Day hit national success.  He also has a son Jakob with the middle name Danger...sadly, I'm serious.

Prime's Reaction: I like Green Day, but I would not have picked them with either of my remaining two picks.  So Iceman did not get good value on this pick, though I can't hate too much.  I understand the pick.  Instead, I'm taking a band with testicles the size of skyscrapers.

With the eight pick in the 90’s music draft Prime selects: Soundgarden

Chris Cornell's vocal range is insane. Matt Cameron's drumming is ridiculous (he also is the current drummer of Pearl Jam.)  Kim Thayil may have a woman's name, but there is nothing womanly about his guitar riffs.

Badmotorfinger is a hard motherfuckin' record that is named after flipping the bird, which is a plus.  "Rusty Cage" and "Outshined" really proved that Soundgarden had viable mainstream potential.  That potential turned into ironclad proof upon the release of Superunknown.  This is one of the crucial records of the 90's with hits like "Black Hole Sun," "Spoonman," "Fell On Black Days." and "The Day I Tried To Live."  There is no doubt that the Seattle scene was the dominant force in 90's rock, and Soundgarden is one of the cornerstones of that scene.  Down On The Upside is fucking tits as well.

Surprise motherfuckers! I'm claiming Temple of the Dog also!  That's right- go fuck yourself if you disagree, Ice! Cornell was the LEAD singer and I don't care of Pearl Jam was essentially the backing band and the whole record was about Andrew Wood (MotherLoveBone [Pearl Jam] singer who OD'ed.) I don't mind stealing bands from the mouth Iceman!

Best song of the 90's: I fucking love "Let Me Drown" off of Superunknown.  "Hunger Strike" from Temple of the Dog is obvs ELITE.

Worst song of the 90's: "Kickstand" rules, but at 1:34 it is TOO SHORT!!!

Fun Fact: In the future, Cornell released a solo record called Scream produced by Timbaland.  Do not under any circumstance listen to this record!!! PSA over.

Iceman's Reaction:  Hold the fuck on here.  First, you can have Soundgarden.  I'll take a punk band that was revolutionary in their genre over a band that was like the 4th best grunge band any day.  Second, you don't get to piggy back associated acts of Chris Cornell.  Erroneous.  If you get Temple of the Dog then I get Mad Season and Zwan.  Wait...my negotiating skills clearly leave something to be desired.  That's it...I'm pulling the fucking plug on this.  You do NOT get Temple of the Dog.

With the ninth pick of the 90's music draft Iceman selects: Red Hot Chili Peppers

So do I get to claim Jane's Addiction too since Dave Navarro played guitar for both bands?  Jackass.  There is absolutely no question that Flea is the most lethal bass player in the history of music.  NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!  And he played Needles in Back to the Future II and III.  Double threat guy!  The Chili Peppers covered a myriad of different musical styles from metal to funk to blues to rock and did them all with a dick kicking fury matched by no one.  I fully believe we will never see another band like RHCP in our lifetime that was able to successfully master any sound from almost any genre...and be fucking kick ass at it.  Not to mention that most of these guys were heavy narcotics addicts so they will have no problem fitting in with the team drug culture I've created.

Best song of the 90's: "Aeroplane" off One Hot Minute.  Flea defines "slappa da bass" on this track and fucking rips your face off with it.  Plus the little kid vocals on the track are of Flea's daughter and her classmates.  How fucking cool is that?

Worst song of the 90's: "Coffee Shop" off One Hot Minute.  Just because Iggy Pop rhymes with coffee shop doesn't mean you have to put the two in a song together.  I never understood the popularity of this song.  Still don't.

Fun Fact: "Under the Bridge" was written by Anthony Kiedis about where he used to buy and use drugs.  It wasn't until last year Kiedis confirmed that actual bridge is in MacArthur Park in Los Angeles.

Prime's Reaction: Iceman loves him some One Hot Minute!  Blood Sugar Sex & Magik is still a better overall record.  The Chili Peppers are good, but too many douche kids take a month of bass lessons and claim Flea as their god.  He's good, but way overstated in his bass playing most of the time.

With the final pick in the 90's music draft, Prime selects: Oasis

That's right motherfuckers!!!  Brits in the house to fuck everyone up.  (What's The Story) Morning Glory is one of the finest records ever assembled and Definitely Maybe is also pretty great.  At one point in the 90's, 8 of every 10 British households owned an Oasis record.  That's insane.

However, this pick is not solely music based.  The Gallagher Bros. are pure comedy and say crazy ass shit.  For example:

Liam on death: "I live for now, not for what happens after I die. I'm going to hell, not heaven. The devil has all the good gear. What's God got? The Inspiral Carpets and nuns."

Noel on the Olympics: “If there were gold medals for taking drugs for England I would have won a shit load.”

Noel on Liam: “[Liam is] like a man with a fork in a world of soup.”

Noel on Liam again:  "I'd rather eat my own shit than be in a band with [Liam] again."

And of course, Noel on rival UK band Blur: “I hate that Alex [James] and Damon [Albarn]. I hope they catch AIDS and die.”

ELITE trolling.  ELITE AIDS reference (cutting edge in the 90's.)  ELITE songs.  Noel Gallagher could comment here and dominate.  Also, "Wonderwall," "Don't Look Back In Anger," "Champagne Supernova," "Live Forever," and "Whatever."  Hits, record sales, and asshole-ish-ness.  Oasis is hilarious and awesome.  And they hate each other worse than Ide hates black women, which is hilarious.

Best song of the 90's: Noel Gallagher was also once quoted as saying he "didn't think he'd get into to heaven" but that at that gate, he'd mention that he wrote "Don't Look Back In Anger" and they'd let him in.  Uncertain if that's true, but the song is awesome.

Worst song of the 90's: "Shakermaker."  You know it's bad when Coca-Cola sues you for ripping off their awful 80's theme song.  Liam at his whiniest and just a bad overall song.

Fun fact: I once saw Oasis in San Francisco and local band Third Eye Blind opened for them (this was a year before 3EB's first record.)  I met Third Eye Blind after the show, and the bass player, Arion, said Liam bumped into him and almost started a fight.  Oasis is all class! (Years later, that same bass player cut Mike Dirnt's neck with a beer bottle!)

Iceman’s Reaction: The only thing interesting about this band is the brothers’ rabid hatred for each other.  Being the other musicians in Oasis had to be the most frustrating thing on the fucking planet and I imagine this band cycled through members like Damman cycles through the female clientele at a CiCi’s pizza buffet.  I think this was a stretch for the top 10.

WHEW!  That has to be the longest post in the history of this site.  A special thanks to Prime for helping me out with this over the last few weeks.  This was yet another time consuming post but one that I had a lot of fun doing.  And hey…at least it wasn’t another “list” post, right Stan Ide?!  So the big question here is, who’s the winner of the 2013 90’s music draft?  Who drafted the more impressive squad from top to bottom?  Of course it’s me so make sure you all let Prime down easy when you tell him his team blows.  In conclusion, just know when you read this I’ll either be in the ocean or in a pool with a swim up bar and a waterfall.  Suck my nuts.