Friday, June 28, 2013

Who The Hell Is Anthony Bennett?

We drafted THIS guy?
Well, that was a surprise.  It's always nice when Bill Simmons shits his pants in shock less than ten minutes into the draft.  What a fucking wild first round.  We should have seen this coming.  When everyone says that no one is any good then you can wipe your ass with all the mock drafts.

You should have seen me an hour before the drat began.  The wife kept telling me that I was being annoying because I was so nervous.  I REALLY didn't want Alex Len.  I would have been OK with anyone else living on the planet over Len.  You can steal my fucking sunshine out in Burke's territory, you bald queerbate (ELITE shitty late 90's song reference).  Actually, that's not true.  I would take Len over "Interviewer Shane Battier" who has to be the worst person at his job of all time.  He better not have gotten paid for that in anything other Giant Eagle fuel points.

So the Cavs took Larry Johnson's son.  Eh, he's a little bit more plump than I would prefer but he can definitely play.  Does anyone troll the media better than Chris Grant?  NO ONE saw that coming. I'm sure that Bennett will be fine.

Nerlens Noel to Philly for Jrue Holliday and a GUARANSHEED lottery pick next year?  HOLY SHIT THE SIXERS ARE THE WORST.

Cody Zeller is the most Michael Jordan pick of all time, isn't it?  I think that Zeller is better than he gets credit for, but a Zeller/Mullens frontcourt isn't going to scare away anyone but attractive women.

Booing the Commissioner at The Draft is a tradition in every sport that I love so much.  Stern is a cocksucker so it is even more fitting.   I can't wait to see how Bettman is treated on Sunday afternoon.

Trey Burke is taking his sucky ways to Salt Lake.  That's great.  We will never hear of him again.

Who called the Pistons taking Kentavious Caldwell-Pope?  THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

The top ten this year was one of the wildest that I can remember.  That was a fun hour+.  

I'm going to end this little--whatever this has been--after the Cavs pick at 19.  Anything that happens after that will be addressed in the comments.  I do want to mention that Brooklyn trying to get KG and Pierce is so hilariously awful.  That would be the worst and most pricy roster in the league.

Cavs take Sergey Karasev who they have been rumored to like for months.  He's KGB.  Maybe he can convince Bob to re-sign with the CBJ.  We OBVZ don't need LeBron now that we have Sergey Karasev from The Americans.

That's it.  Laugh about Anthony Bennett in the comments if you want.  I'm making the trip back to Nap tonight for Ribfest.  Should be a good time since Naptown Wolverine is out of town.  I'll be slaying ass with Danario Alexander and Duke Football's #1 fan, GSaul.  This post sucked...but not as much as Shane Battier: Amateur Interviewer.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

"The Experts" Did Another NBA Mock Draft

I SUCK and my name is Alfonso!
The NBA Draft is tonight. I make it no secret that I love it so much. And hey, my Cavs are picking first! What will they do? The more important question is "how much will they piss me off"? If you recall, I was so butthurt the day after last year's draft that I literally wanted to watch all of you die. The same thing will happen tomorrow probably. After careful deliberation, I have decided that if it isn't Noel or Oladipo at #1, I am going to Aaron Hernandez Nate B. Hell, if I were the Cavs, I would just turn in my pick with the name ANDREW WIGGINS written on it. Why not? Anyway, Iceman and I did another rotating lottery mock draft and the results are below. Ice had the odds and I did the evens. Enjoy.

1. Cleveland: Nerlens Noel, C, Kentucky - Gotta love spending the first pick on a guy who's out until December at the earliest. The proper move would probably be trade this pick but I love the Cavs drafting Flat Top Greg Oden instead. Kyrie Irving finally has an ice bath partner.
G$'s Reaction: As dumb as this sounds, this is probably the safest pick for the Cavs. By that I mean that no one else really deserves to be the #1 pick. No one will call this a reach. Now we just have to hope that this kid can shed his terrible friends and becomes Ben Wallace.

2. Orlando: Trey Burke, PG, Michigan - Unless you have LeBron James (and 29 teams do not), then you need a point guard. I discussed last week that Jameer Nelson is poop. The ceiling might not be as high for Burke as other prospects but you know damn well that he will not be a bust like he was at WE ON. One final dig at TBS's tenure in Michigan...nailed it.
Iceman's Reaction: God, you love Trey Burke SICK so much. Suck his black wiener, G$. This is the right move. Do I think Burke is the second best player in the draft? No. But when you're the best PG in the draft you benefit from Jameer Nelson being an abortion and Orlando sucking.

3. Washington: Otto Porter, SF, Georgetown - Washington needs a SF more than they need Oladipo backing up Bradley Beal. Because relying on Martel Webster or Trevor Ariza as your current SFs is like relying on your farts to be accurate after a nasty battle with mud butt. They should be smart and draft for need like Orlando.
G$'s Reaction: Probably the easiest mock pick to make in this draft. If he's there, he's going to be a Bullet.

4. Charlotte: Ben McLemore, SG, Kansas - This is another no-brainer. The Bobcats/Hornets need playmakers more than Michael Jordan needs a dad who wasn't murdered.
Iceman's Reaction: Last thing I read about McLemore is that he showed up to workouts out of shape. Two fucking months after he played his last game and he's already harvesting Paul Pierce jelly tits. His player profile description should just read "Lazy N-word". Basically what I'm saying is that McLemore was born to be drafted by Michael Jordan.

5. Phoenix: Victor Oladipo, SG, Indiana - No way LOLapido falls past Phoenix. This team is the Bermuda Triangle of the NBA and pretty fucking lousy from top to bottom. I can't think of a more perfect spot for Oladipo to slip into obscurity.
G$'s Reaction: This makes a lot of sense because the Suns are trying to be the first team ever to be filled with nothing but role players. You know that I love Oladipo but this is not the right team for him.

6. New Orleans: Anthony Bennett, PF, UNLV - I really like this kid as he reminds me so much of Grandmama Larry Johnson (even went to the same "school")! He is a little undersized to play the 4 in the pros but with Unibrow swatting everything in sight behind him, that shouldn't be a problem. Also needs to be said: Austin Rivers was a terrible pick.
Iceman's Reaction: I love this pick because it means Bennett won't be there at 8 for Dumars. Because Detroit already has Bennett 9 years in the future. He wears #54 and sucks.

7. Sacramento: Michael Carter-Williams, PG, Syracuse - Now that KEEEF Smart isn't around to irrationally hate/bench people, Isaiah Thomas could actually have a chance in Sac-Town. Then I remembered Thomas is poop juice and is barely a roster worthy player. But he IS better than Toney Douglas, the current back up. MCW is a yoooooge upgrade for a team desperate for a capable PG.
G$'s reaction: You turd burglar! I TOTES was going to stick this waste of space on the Pistons! This guy can't play. I saw it at the Final Four. Thus he is a perfect Seattle King.

8. Detroit: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, SG, Georgia - The last few years, the draft has went perfectly for Dumars where the right guy has fallen into his lap. If it shakes out like this (and it won't), it would be a nightmare. They aren't taking Len or The Code Man because that would be pointless. Burke Sucks is gone. Drafting Shabazz would lead to Mo Cheeks quitting tomorrow. They need a ton of wing help but not really anyone makes sense besides MAYBE this guy. Analysts say that this kid can score in bunches though so whatever.
Iceman's reaction: Thanks for drafting us taller Ben Gordon. We're going to be shitty forever. I think that's pretty clear. My favorite part about reading KCP's "STREMPH" profile was how they bragged about his shooting range. Then put 37% 3 point shooter in parentheses. I like how that works. Iceman's STREMPH is posting daily blog submissions (posts at a 20% clip weekly). I fucking rule.

9. Minnesota: C.J. McCollum, PG/SG, Lehigh - I'm trying to add some color to Jeff's favorite team here. More importantly this move can rid the Timberwolves of their Luke Ridnour infestation. Ridnour is that guy in the office who's never on time, loses the company money at every turn, serves zero purpose yet always has work. So.....Ide. Ide Ridnour.
G$'s Reaction: This kid is supposed to be a stud which makes a lot of sense since he dominated the Patriot League. Maybe he's Damian Lillard Part Deux but he's probably not since the Wolves usually only draft bad players.

10. Portland: Alex Len, C, Maryland - There is no way that he lasts this long because teams are lining up to draft this kid who will shake hands with David Stern while on crutches. He's a bit of a project but what the fuck does Portland care? They suck anyway.
Iceman's Reaction: Len won't be there because he's going #1 overall to the Cavs. /fingers crossed. The world needs more Greg Ostertags in Cleveland. Which hurt guy would you rather draft, G$? Flat Top Greg Oden or a guy who's ceiling is Eric Montross?
G$: You can't go wrong taking big whities from Notre Dame. THEY HAVE GRIT. But seriously, it's Noel and it isn't even close.

11. Philadelphia: Cody Zeller, C, Indiana - The facts are these: The Sixers cannot be stupid enough to give project Bynum another try and Spencer Hawes is hot turds. So they need a center pretty bad. Even though Zeller was pretty fucking absent from THE NCAA tourney, he is probably the most NBA ready center and Chowturd says you can't measure HUSTLE. And Philly is a HUSTLE city second only to a murder city.
G$'s Reaction: This feels right. Everything that you said is true plus Zeller won't even be the whitest guy on the team. That will always be Evan Turner.

12. Oklahoma City: Kelly Olynyk, C, Gonzaga - Every mock that I read has the Thunder taking this Canuck oaf. I don't know why. Dude was shit in the tournament. Kevin Durant can't be happy with this. But then again, when your goal is "get anyone better than Kendrick Perkins" then this pick makes worlds of sense.
Iceman's Reaction: Literally anything is better than Kendrick Perkins at this point. GOD, I hate Perkins so much. The only other way I see OKC going is Shabazz Muhammad because Kevin Martin shoots like a fucking idiot.
G$: Shabazz being marooned in a terrible Dust Bowl city could be the greatest thing of all time.  Think "Aaron Hernandez" and multiply it by the entire population of Oklahoma (including Jim Ross).

13. Dallas: Steven Adams, C, Pitt - This may be too early for Adams who is pretty raw offesively but let's be honest...he can't be any worse scoring the pill than Kaman or Wright. And he really doesn't need to be a scorer on a team that has Orange Juice Mayonnaise and Dirk. Dallas desperately needs a PG as well, but they need a center worse since their current tallest member is also their best 3 point shooter and worst defender. You need to protect the tin in today's game. The days of just outscoring people to win are over...just like Grumpy's days of getting erections without the aid of a pill are over.
G$'s Reaction: Hey now! That's FOUR big white stiffs in a row! This may be our finest draft yet! I have a feeling that if Dallas keeps this pick, which they certainly will not, that they will go point guard like Shane Larkin since it is widely reported how much Rick Carlisle despises Darren Collison.

14. Utah: Shane Larkin, PG, Miami - I really wanted to stick Shabazz Muhammad in Salt Lake City since they would immediately start filming the 30 For 30 on it but the Jazz have Mo Williams and Jamaal Tinsley (who is somehow still playing) as their point guards. They could use some youth (or YOUF if you coach Golden State) at the position.
Iceman's Reaction: I finally cleaned out the attic at the request of Wheelz because I am a pussy and came across an old stag reel of Grumpy humping Eleanor Roosevelt. It will be played at the reception.  He skeets polio.  Sorry, SPOILER ALERT.

Well, that was fun. I'm going to lob a HUGE comment of what I want the Cavs to do tonight (besides not drafting Alex Len of course) in a little bit. It involves trades with two teams. Apparently, we are rid of Jeff Van Gundy and Chris "MEMPIS" Broussard tonight who have been replaced by Jalen and Simmons. It is a slight upgrade. Enjoy the Draft. I'm sure that we will spend all day tomorrow laughing at how dumb the Cavs are. I can't wait.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Guest Post: JSaul Gives A Craps

Please keep your beer off the table, sir.
Welcome to the Money Shot Casino.  Today your guest poster will be hitting the table games and breaking down the good, bad, and ugly side of your favorite past time; GAMBLING. This blog reminds me more of an Indian casino, so you know the minimums will be set pretty low.

Now I am by no means a professional gambler, but I have made my rounds across the world’s casinos and have put in my hours inside the walls of said establishments. I have personally sampled Vegas, Foxwoods, Atlantic City, Caesars Windsor, Narlens Harrah’s, Caribbean Resort, Cruise Ships terribleness (1x odds Craps, no thanks), Middle Americas shittiest, Tribal lands cheapest, Detroit’s darkest, Europe’s finest (London and Amsterdam), and have been successful and abused all the like.

There is one thing I do know, the only thing that truly determines a good casino from a bad casino is FREE DRINKS (5 dollar Miller Lites as I pour my money onto your tables? As my Dallas friend on TV says, “C’mooooonnnn maaaaaaannn”).  We will be doing these in order of least desirable gaming to most.

Honorable mentions: 3 Card Poker (for when you are feeling really unmotivated) and Video Poker (for the previously mentioned free drinks, is typically the style).

And coming in at number 5 is…….

5. SLOT MACHINES: Please don’t ever be seen playing these, unless it’s to make sure your wife/girl isn’t blowing more than you provided her in cash.
Pros: The only acceptable slot you should be caught at is the WHEEL OF FOURTUNE (or Wheel of SUCK as my NHS employee uncle refers to it).
Cons: These are the most boring part of the casino, and yet there are billions of these retirement homes at any casino you walk into.
My Strategy: There is no strategy to slots
Best Night: Never had one. I did hit 80 bucks on the Wheel of Fortune once.

4. POKER: This game is boring as sin if you are trying to get crazy and or rich. It has its purpose, but very seldom cracks my line up.
Pros: You can normally play this game forever. If I am going to make my way to the Casino in an early afternoon and or Sunday session, you may catch me slipping to the ‘tables’ in the back. As long as you play disciplined, you will likely make money (barring any BAD BEATS that is). The only problem with thinking you are good and playing at random casino is the massive amount of wildcard players you cannot get a read on at the table. It’s better to play conservative/patient and take their money when you get a good hand. Otherwise you’ll go all Phil Hellmuth on the table when some middle aged women catches her straight coming in with 3,7. My favorite professional will always be “ACTION DAN” and his classic Celtics hat, though.
Cons: Well for starters it can usually be boring as shit. And even if you are at the same tables as your “buddies”, it’s not social at all. In fact it’s the complete opposite. You sit there and stare, and put up with the loose lips of the faggot who thinks he’s a god damn poker pro even though you are at the RIVERS PITTSBRUGH. I really can’t stand the college kids that are in there with their shades on logging 8 hour sessions as a part time job (Or I’m just totes jelly).
My Strategy: I will play extremely conservative and only come in on high probability hands, and usually play the table from there. The problem is it takes you hours just to figure out who is actually good and who is blindly lucky. By god if you are at a table with the ‘play every hand till my money runs out’ guy though, stick around till their money does run out.
Best Night: Probably walking away with 500+ while starting out with 100.

3. ROULETTE: This for me is usually a starter game, or an “I got 50 bucks left let’s hope I hit a number” game.
Pros: You can normally stick around awhile on 100 bucks if you play inside or out, and don’t get too loose with the chips. If you do start your night here, you can catch a few numbers and go up big early, while only risking that first 50-100 you have in your pocket. This is how I like to start off my sessions so that I can take some profit to the real show.
Cons: It’s a no skill game. You are usually playing with people who think there is skill involved, or people who only know how to play roulette (which isn’t hard).
My Strategy: I play the inside. Usually put 3-5 bucks on my lucky number 3, and 1-2 on another 5-7 numbers (10 min is usually the standard) per a given SPIN.
Best Night: Again, probably 300-500 starting with 50-100. One time I was down to $10 and walked over to a table; put it on 3 right before the spin. It was a 15 min so the dealer removed during the spin as I didn’t have another 5 to throw on. It hit 3. I left very angry. Her exact words; “Wow, I’s never seen that befo’.

2. BLACKJACK: The second most social game in the building.
Pros: Blackjack is likely the first game you learn, and the first game you head to when you get into the casino. Its arguably one of the most fun, there is some strategy to implement, and you can win a lot of money if you catch a hot “shoe”.
Cons: The tables can get cooooold as ice. Playing at a cold blackjack table just makes you depressed with the overall feeling you should be doing something better with your life. Also, there are so many people who don’t play by the book that it can be angering to some. Now, I say get your ass up if you don’t like GSaul in the corner hitting that 13 against a 4. Don’t start talking trash like some douche bag who thinks it REALLY matters (chances are it helps you just as many times that it has hurt you). But I am a ‘by the book’ guy, so you know, I stick to the data.
My Strategy: I wait for streaks. I don’t try and chase the shoe. If it’s cold, minimum bet it out. Once you hit a few in a row, start getting frisky with your stack. It’s the only way to truly make some serious dough. If you are betting the same bet EVERY time, leave the table when you get up $100-$200 ($10-$15 mins), because barring a HUGE streak, that is the best you are going to do my friend.
Best Night: I have had probably 5 to 6 $800-$1,000 in profit nights. Those nights are always fun. I will usually only leave down 200-300 on losing nights, but I don’t count nights I lose.

1. CRAPS: There is not argument here. It’s the best game in the casino and by far the most social. High fives all around!
Pros: When a table is moving, it’s the best time in the casino. Everyone is usually playing pretty similar, so you all win together and all lose together. You can win HUGE amounts of money catching a good craps table at the right time. If you can catch a table with $5 mins and 10x odds (only seen this in Vegas and Indian casinos), you are in for a good night if that green hole gets warm.
Cons: You can lose HUGE amounts of money if you catch a cold one. And you can lose it fast. Also, the minimums are usually WAY too high on prime time nights to lay down your CRAPS flow ($10 is about as high as I like to play, $15 if I have to). Plus, every now and then you will catch the (insert any racial based stereotype here) guy playing the dark side of the table. And he will be loving every minute of your misery. FUCK this guy. One time at GREEKTOWN (Detroit casinos are by and far the WORST casinos I have ever played at due to the people, and the mins are really HIGH at all times because of said people who are ALWAYS there) there was a guy actively cheering against the shooter every throw, because he was playing dark. I promptly left this table.
My Strategy: Look for a fun table that seems to be getting a few cheers. It may be hard to get on, but wait it out. Don’t be in a hurry to catch a table, walk around a few times. Make sure you are ok with the people you intend to slap hands with. Scan the betting styles for said Dark Side lunatics. Because, like I said, if it’s cold, you will regret getting your money out. Once you are there, make the shooter prove it. I usually only FEED THE MONSTER (the come bet) only twice to cover three numbers (2 come, 1 point) with a NOOB shooter. Sometimes only two numbers depending on how I stereotype you. Once they hit that first point though, it’s on!
Best Night: In one of my only successful nights at MGM Detroit (I think I am 3-12ish at Detroit casinos), commenter DUT, little BUKE, and myself caught a hot table for 3-4 hours. I cleared $2,500 in profit (I think Dut got scared and only took home like 800 bucks).

Don’t get me started on Baccarat. Seriously don’t, I have no idea how to play. I’m sure we have plenty of gambling stories to be had. Just know; my way is the only way to approach this. There is no compromise. Thank you for your time.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Guest Post: Drew Is Racist and Toilet-less

Come back to us, Tyrone.  We miss you.
I lived in the same house on E. 16th Ave my Sophomore through Senior years of college. It was amazing because our friends lived in houses on both sides of us during those years as well. It also led to just some incredible parties on any given night of the week. It was basically three houses full of ridiculous partiers.

Well, one Friday or Saturday night I had to go to a wedding or something with my then girlfriend (she broke up with me toward the end of our Senior year because of how disgusting I was). That night my house had a big party...one of my roommates was from Worthington so he had a lot of buddies that would come by during the Summer months that were home from going to school at other colleges. So, I know we had a lot of people over that night and I missed the party....which really pissed me off as I pretty much always did whatever the fuck I wanted, but bit the bullet for once to go to a wedding with my girlfriend.

The next morning we come back into town early and get some breakfast....and she drives me home. As I'm getting out of her car I look up at my house and see broken toilet ceramic all over our walkway....blood all over the walkway....and a big black man sleeping on the couch on my front porch. I put these three things together...have many questions, but decide I need the big black guy woken up and I'm not going to be the one to do it. So, I go next door to get my buddy Boniq who is a freakishly strong black kid and tell him I want him to wake up the big black bum looking guys sleeping on my couch. Boniq walks over and tries to wake the guy, but he wasn't waking up. The decision was made then to call the cops to get this guy up from the porch.

While we were waiting for the cops I walked upstairs and confirmed that our one toilet....was missing from the floor and was in pieces all over our yard and walkway. This was upsetting news since it was our one toilet...and of course all of my roommates were still passed out....probably in their own piss.

The cops show up and walk up to the porch while dodging the dried blood all over and broken toilet pieces and they wake up the black guy. They begin asking him questions about the blood and toilet and he's got no answers...they check his arms and stuff and sure enough....he's not cut anywhere. So, they let him go and leave me to figure out what the fuck happened.

Finally, I wake up one of my roommates and learn that one of my other roommates had blown up our toilet with a cherry bomb....fucking Bart Simpson style at like 3 am. People then took the broken toilet outside and began smashing it in the front yard. One of my other buddies picked up one particularly jagged piece and it ended up slicing his entire arm up and he had to go to the emergency room for a ton of stitches.....hence the blood all over the place.

I don't know why this story sticks out in my mind, because there are many like it. But, it's possibly because I was involved in the others....and coming into the situation blindly and not knowing what happened made it all the more ridiculous.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Guest Post: Ide Hit It

Ide worked in that room as the bulge adjuster.  -Rex is there somewhere, too.
We have all had those personal epic fails that only you know about, and there was no way in hell you were going to share it with anyone. And also, remember (sit this one out Grump, civil rights hadn’t happened yet) that first time when you saw something you didn’t see in your sheltered home life, like real life fags or interracial dating (both still gross). This is one of those fails and times.

Now, to be fair, before I get into it, this fail wasn’t entirely because of me. But, leave it to me, to make an awkward situation dive bomb straight into a fucking catastrophe. I am pretty boss when it comes to this method of glorious failure.

I was a freshman in college and worked at a nearby Abercrombie & Fitch (save the fag jokes for later, you’ll need them), in an attempt to get clothes for cheap (gotta stay current!) and pull down some extra cooze. So, working at that place is a fucking free for all. Girls gonna get fucked, guys gonna do it. I scoped one out that wasn’t commanding all the attention, due to the fact she dressed conservative(ly considering the place). I figured this was my best option as to not compete with guys who had abs that showed through a thick wool sweater.

Now, I was 18, maybe 19 and was still at the birthing stages of my sexual prowess. Basically, I was complete shit in bed, and most likely embarrassed myself hilariously. However, this certainly didn’t stop me from trying. So, after a week or two of showing interest in her, she finally asked if I wanted to go to a rave in Asheville to see Tiesto, and that she would buy a hotel room. Now, I was very aware of what this meant and what that scene was. In my head, I heard loud shitty techno music, and a long night of having an ecstasy-fueled fuckfest in a beautiful mountain town. It should be noted, that she asked me out, because at the time I had a crippling fear of rejection, especially with people that I would have had to continue to interact with. My HS dating life suffered greatly because of this. Ironically, this doesn’t pertain to meeting complete strangers with probable diseases.

Quick side note. I didn’t do a ton of drugs in college, maybe a handful of them a handful of times, however, I was no bitch and would man up if a hot girl asked me to do something with her. Anything for the nookie, right brahs?!

So before I meet up with this girl (we will call her Jenna, because that’s her name), I get cocked on a pint of blackberry schnapps (it was gas station vodka, but ELITE reference), and get ready for a solid night. I pull up and she decides to drive, but wait, she is bringing another girl…who is abhorrently ugly. Just awful. No problem, I told myself, if I can’t find some fucked up loser at this thing to sleep with her, I will buy her a separate hotel room. It was a pretty miserable 3 hour trip to this place where I mostly came up with scenarios on how this night would play out. Oh, I brought the rest of that vodka and stayed lit. Confidence and mood skyrocketed when she pointed out the hotel.

We get to this place he’s playing called Shampoo, Hairspray, or Salon, or something like that. Clubs back then always had one stupid word titles. This was also before Tiesto was massively huge and he played decent-sized clubs. This one was pretty massive, and we go to the basement. Google and/or smartphones didn’t exist on the fly, so I had zero idea what I was walking into. I get right in with my under age markings and 5 feet later I was 21. Jenna and her frumpy friend didn’t do the same. I promptly buy 3 beers. They turned them down, so I promptly drank 3 beers. Ok, cool, you shouldn’t drink and do ecstasy at the same time.

I honestly don’t remember much about the music because I was ignoring it, I was however focused on finding said drugs and/or anything to keep up the pace. During the opening sets, people sauntered in and didn’t really care about the djs so I wandered about in search. I had to piss and the bathrooms were on the second floor. Poor planning, but whatever. I am standing at a urinal with a partition and finish up, turn around, and a guy with a studded leather vest and chaps and nothing else is standing directly behind me. What. The. Fuck. Remember that second sentence? Good. I fucking lost my shit. I had no nice, hand shake introduction to the gay community, I skipped right to the part where I was going to get buttfucked in a bathroom. I frantically fly right by him, inadvertently shoving him into a wall and run into 4 more fags waiting in line wearing just as little if not less. I didn’t piss indoors the next 4 (!) hours I was there.

I run downstairs and find Jenna, then overzealously proclaiming that this was a “fag bar”. Four people in direct earshot turned around and asked if I had a problem with that and to take my pasty ass home. I couldn’t though, I was fucking stuck there, but with a girl! So, I kept quiet, and decided to proceed with original plans, but talk to NO ONE aside from Jenna. This included that ugly roommate. So, I nonchalantly asked what she wanted to do, and she said, “Oh, I’m here for the music. I love Tiesto, and dancing.” Neither of which, I liked.

“Well, do you want to get a drink? I’m 21 now, heh heh.”
“Nah, I don’t really drink.”
*hmmm* was all I could think.

This night is spiraling down fast. The girls danced and I drank. Fuck it I said, hotel plans are still a go, but the work up strategy will certainly be different. Nothing that some Bud Lights couldn’t help me figure out. The rest of the show went on with me following them around and saying minimal words. Too focused.

After the show, we go to Waffle House. I’m completely hammered and promptly order my usual 4 eggs, double chopped and covered hash browns, and a fucking waffle, because America, motherfucker. This sobers me up to a conversational state. Now’s my big moment, and I’m ready for it.

“I’m pretty tired, how far away is the hotel?”
“Oh, I think I’m just going to drive home, I think I can make it, the show didn’t go on as long as I expected it to.”

We drove by the hotel and it was worse than when Poochie drove by the fireworks factory. Such an apt metaphor. I said maybe two words on the way back, and weirdly enough, they weren’t fuck or you, because that’s all I could think about saying. I had zero idea how I could’ve failed that night. I placed a lot of blame on that disgusting trollop who I made GODDAMNED SURE sat in the back of Jenna’s Acura Integra 2 door. It was like when I made Thompson sit in the back of Burke’s 2 door Blazer (he called it a truck, fyi) and slid the seat back when we went to Wheeling Island. I had an ELITE smile on my face that whole trip.

We get back to her place around 6:30 or 7, and she says goodbye and wants to hang out later. I, of course, learn nothing and happily agree, but now it’s time for damage control. Because, naturally, I fucking told all my roommates and friends what was happening. Even bragged about it. So, I drove around and sat, probably slept in a parking lot for an hour or two and then went home.

I woke up and went out to the living room where I most likely smoked some grass, when my buddies asked how it went.

“I hit it.”

Friday, June 21, 2013

Day 3 of OVERRATED "Week": Baseball

The definition of "art"
Well, bros, we have reached the end of OVERRATED Week here. And what a week it has been! Nothing brings me greater joy than my dumbest commenters questioning my opinions while failing to understand what being OVERRATED means. For the record, it does not mean that one blows or sucks, just that they aren’t as good as they are perceived to be. I feel as though we should all know that by now. Since we are concluding the week on the diamond, hopefully it will prevent our handicapped audience from assuming that I am trolling the Ohio Buckeyes. I am not. I never was. You’re an idiot.

I think that this is my best one yet as I am most proud of these rankings than the other two (which were very ELITE anyway). But before we get into today’s top ten, I just want to LOL at myself for a second. Before the season, I picked the Dodgers and Angels to make the World Series. This might be the worst thing written here since GSaul told everyone to watch out for Danario Alexander in his college football preview even though Alexander was already playing in the NFL. He was probably thinking about Derec Alexander (always a welcomed reference here; if you don’t know what this means feel free to google it!). Players from those two teams will definitely be included today. I might as well have picked a Nippon Ham Fighters/Cubs World Series. That is just as likely to happen. Here are my 10 most OVERRATED players in MLB:

10. Mike Moustakas/Eric Hosmer – Does everyone remember how the Royals farm system was stocked with uber-ELITE talent and how they were going to be some sort of dominant force with all of their homegrown prospects? Yeah, they suck. It’s why, as a fan, you should never get attached to minor leaguers because even the most heralded don’t pan out. If you can flip them for anyone but Ubaldo Jiminez, you should almost always do it. LOL Indians.

9. Joe Mauer – The Twins were stuck when his contract was about to run out. They couldn’t let him walk because it would have destroyed their chances of selling seats at their new stadium. The price tag was gargantuan for a gap hitter and a catcher (and thus someone who won’t be able to play every day). And he is a hometown hero. Now he’s making 20 million a year until 2155, sitting out months at a time for bilateral leg weakness, and is roping singles like they’re going out of style. He should probably be ranked in the top three actually.

8. Jacoby Ellsbury – This is probably just sour grapes on my part since he is underachieving for me this year but WHAT DOES HE DO!!! His Navajo heritage is probably trying to get my football team to change its name so fuck him.

7. Ryan Howard/Chase Utley/Jimmy Rollins – These guys are all broken down shells of what they used to be which is odd because they aren’t that old. One of these guys is always on the DL it seems. I couldn’t differentiate between the three because they’re all wildly “meh” these days so I lumped them together into one cup of pig jizz. And I will always hate Utley until he has that catch with Mac.

6. Josh Hamilton – He should probably be higher on the list as well but I don’t need a crack addict being mad at me. I’ll chalk his horrendous 2013 season up to trying to do too much to justify his contract. It happens with a lot of guys. He’ll figure it out…at least I think that he will. And if you drafted him this year, you’re an idiot because you should have seen this coming.

5. Ryan Zimmerman – Have you seen some of the throws that this guy launches around the infield recently? They are LOL. He’s like a modern day version of Chuck Knoblauch. When you combine crappy defense with below average batting and run-producing (from what everyone expects a corner infielder and hot prospect), that is a nice recipe for OVERRATED.

4. Matt Holliday – I’ve never liked this guy. I never will. He swings the bat weird. The stats don’t really back up where he is ranked but I don’t care about that. Holliday is ass. I would like to say that Yadier Molina is ridiculously underrated even though everyone can’t stop saying how underrated he is. What he does with that staff while still hitting well over .300 is fucking amazing. He also started a massive brawl with Brandon Phillips that was very funny.

3. Everyone on the Dodgers not named Kershaw or Puig – Besides those two ELITE players, the rest of them suck. I’m including Matt KEMPH, too. Way to capitalize on that great 2012 season by having a 2013 season of Brad Hawpe-like production.

2. Cole Hamels – Much like Holliday, I’ve never bought into the Hamels hype. He’s had one really good season, a few average ones, and a few other terrible seasons (like this year). I have no idea why the Phillies gave him 100+ million this past winter. I would have let him walk and watch him go 2-10 on someone else’s team. He would have been a perfect Blue Jay or Dodger.

1a. Tom Hamilton - The worst in the business and the #1 reason why people don't care about the game anymore.

1. Mark Teixeira – Hey! Look at me, not being a homer again! In my personal opinion, this is the worst contract in all of professional sports. Yes, even worse than A-Rods. Outside of “good defense at a position in which you don’t really need it”, Teix does nothing well. He is an average at best power hitter with below average actual hitting skills. He is slow. He is a dork. He never gets a hit with guys on base. I can’t wait to be done with this horrible contract. Say what you want to about A-Rod, but he was the main reason why I was able to celebrate in 2009. Teix hit about .175 in that postseason which might have been a career playoff high for him. Teix sux. He is the most overpaid player in the history of baseball not named Pavano.

It takes balls to include 36 guys in a top ten list, SON!  I didn’t even include a Tiger or an Indian today. That might be the biggest upset ever since Jut Verlander is fucking shit. That will do it for OVERRATED Week here. As usual, discuss whatever you want in the comments. Hopefully, the Spurs shocked the world last night. God, that would be great. But I doubt it. As a reminder, we’ve got guest posts lined up for the first three days next week (I’ll hold off on one of Drew’s until a later date—probably the Monday after July 4th). We’ll start with Ide’s since he turned it in about six minutes after I asked if he wanted to write one. He is the anti-Cakes. And, as always, this site remains underrated.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Day 2 of OVERRATED "Week": Football

Nothing says comfort like cuffed jorts.
I made mention yesterday that next week will be Guest Post Week that most of you worked really hard on while someone else let ALL OF US down. He will remain as nameless as he is dickless. That wasn’t entirely true. Monday through Wednesday will be all commenter submissions. Thursday will be Iceman and G$’s second annual rotating mock NBA draft that we stole from Simmons and Chad Ford. Friday will feature draft fallout where hopefully I will be in a better mood than last year and can chuckle when someone calls Tristan Thompson “low grade farm equipment”. I wouldn’t count on that. These Alex Len rumors have my boxers constantly on “shit pants” alert.

Now that that is out of the way, we shift today’s OVERRATED focus to the football field. You can’t talk about this without mentioning the Dongslinger himself, Brett Lorenzo Favre! Is anyone else enjoying his tear-filled Packers remorse and regret tour as much as I am? Because I truly am as he apologizes for being a shithead to the only people who ever cared about him. His desperation to be loved again is major LOLZ. Favre sucks. His penis is not ELITE. He is no Visanthe Shiancoe in that department but, then again, who is? Unrelated but LOL Aaron Hernandez. Let’s get to today’s list:

10. London Fletcher – Don’t accuse me of being a homer! Look, I love this guy. He is everything that you could ask for as a leader…but he’s old and slow and more of a figurehead these days. He can’t cover any tight ends and he’s starting to only pile up tackles five yards down the field AKA The Ray Lewis. The great part is that he is durable. That is also the worst part. Shame on all of those assbag Browns fans for trying to kill his family members.

9. AJ Hawk – The media loves to OVERRATE the scrappy white LB who is short on important things like speed, tackling skills, and coverage but long on GRIT. This spot would have gone to Brian Urlacher (who would have been #1 on this list) but he’s gone so I had to replace him with some other garbage white MLB. An Ohio Buckeye fit the bill quite well.

8. Hakeem Nicks – Two years ago, I remember vividly that the fantasy ranking sheet I use every year had Nicks as the #2 receiver in the league. I nearly choked on my Bud Lime-a-rita when I saw that. What the hell has this guy shown that warrants that kind of love? I don’t give a shit that he has the world’s largest hands. His STUD QB does not trust him even when he isn’t missing games with various bitch injuries.

7. Eric Weddle – See my blurb on Hawk and replace linebacker with safety. Oh man, analysts love themselves a white defensive back. This guy blows.

6. Russell Wilson – This should spark some tasty debate today! I will be in the vast minority here but I’m not buying it. At least not yet. Rusty Dubs had a rookie season for the ages last year but I have a strong feeling that it was a fluke. The fact that everyone with a camera in front of their face or a website just can’t seem to get enough of this kid is all the more reason why we should be rooting for him to fail. I don’t like nice guys, dammit. Plus, anyone associated with Pete Carroll should fail miserably. Try arguing against that logic. I dare you.

5. Santonio Holmes – He has no need for a 401K. We already know that. This guy has been deemed by many as a #1 receiver in this league when he’s pretty much only played one great game in his entire career (may not be true but true enough for this site). Granted, that was an awesome performance on the grandest stage of all but we are seeing the true Santonio since he became a Jet: a malcontent who has no problem throwing his teammates under the bus if he thinks that it will make him look better.

4. Marques Colston – Our 3rd receiver! I say this all the time in my Fantasy Football Friday posts (coming soon!). You’ve heard it before. This guy isn’t nearly as good as Drew Brees makes him. If he got traded to Cleveland tomorrow he would have a 40 catch season in 2013. The Browns are terrible.

3. Peyton Manning – You’re probably shocked that I didn’t put Outlaw Country at #1. My point still remains the same: Peyton was put on this Earth to win Super Bowls; NOT to put up gigantic regular season numbers. He has always had more than enough talent surrounding him to do that. I would never say that he is an underachiever but he most definitely is OVERRATED.

2. Greg Jennings – A product of the Packers system. Get ready to see him become a reincarnation of Alvin Harper when he signed with the Redskins. Remember Harper on the Skins? Of course you don’t because he was a Frosty Boy helmet sundae filled with pig shit instead of ice cream. It was a Detroit Tigers helmet.

1. Troy Polamalu – Let’s get this out of the way: He is a first ballot hall of famer without question. The problem is that he is only his old self for the first 2 or 3 games and then, when he isn’t hurt, is a MASSIVE liability in the backfield. He doesn’t cover well. He doesn’t blitz or tackle all that well. He misses every other game it seems. Look, Grumpy, he’s only sitting at #1 because he set the bar so high for what I expect from him. Actually, we can probably plug Ed Reed onto this list as well but he is at least still an ELITE ball-hawker. From what he was to what he is now, yes, #43 in the black and gold is the most OVERRATED player in the league.

I look forward to bantering back and forth today. Most of you probably think that I forgot about Suh but he’s been hammered on so much that I think the OVERRATED label is off of him now. I still have fond memories of him trying to decapitate Catler on Monday Night Football. Tomorrow, we end this little series by heading out to the diamond(‘s Cabaret). CAN’T WAIT! Actually, now that I think about it, slide Bart Scott on here somewhere, too. He sucks.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Day 1 of OVERRATED "Week": Basketball

O. M. G.  I must have it.  I must have it all.
After yesterday’s lively and well-received discussion on childhood toys, I figured that we could spend the week further in great topics. For the remainder of the week, the word of the day will be OVERRATED. I can’t believe that I haven’t done this yet actually. For the next three days, we will dive deep into the realm of clown frauds and debate the least praise deserving athletes in their respective sports. Since game 6 was last night (please be a SPURS, BITCHES day so we can be done with the “Not Sixes, Not Sevens” for a while until that roster is hilariously blown up in a few weeks), we will start with the ten most OVERRATED basketball players in the NBA.

What’s that? You don’t like lists? Well, you should take the rest of the week off then and probably stop going onto the internet because we’re going LIST BANANAS over the next 72 hours. In reverse order as a means to build drama, of course!

10. Evan Turner – Granted, Uncle Tom is still young and has room to grow and I get that but so far he hasn’t really warranted being the #2 pick in the Draft. He’s simply OK and there are rumors that he is available. That can only mean that an organization about to embark on a serious rebuild has seen enough.

9. Carlos Boozer – He would normally be higher but I think that most people realize that this guy isn’t worth half of what he’s being paid. I will always loathe this caveman brow for stabbing a blind man in the back. People often like to play the “What If” game when it comes to LeBron’s years in Cleveland but there is really only one true question: What if Boozer had not shit all over Gordon Gund and stayed? I don’t know if things would have been different but I do know that I wouldn’t have had to stomach years of Drew Gooden.

8. Al Horford – His numbers are very good. His ears are huge. He’s got pretty good skills. But, as I’ve mentioned before, every time I see the Hawks on TV, I just don’t see it. He never looks like the best player on the floor and I rarely see him dominate a game.

7. Danny Granger – He’s been out of the loop for most of the last two years which is a shame because he is all sorts of objectionable. All he does is fire up terrible three pointers and has the on-court demeanor of Way of Wade. I would call Granger an asshole if he wasn’t such a whiny tampon. He is a bitch. There is a reason why the Pacers are willing to dump him for almost nothing this summer…because they know that they don’t need him (even if his skill set would have been perfect to upset the Heat).

6. Andre Iguodala – Iceman hates this guy because he is not a fan of people with incredibly STREMPHy jaws. I don’t necessarily believe everything that Ice says about Iggy. He’s a good player that does a lot of little things for average teams. But some team is going to do this summer what the Sixers did in the past and that is shell out 8 figures per year for a role player. DUMB. I hope that it’s the Pistons. You know what, it is going to be the Pistons, isn’t it? That sort of signing has JOE DUMARS written all over it.

5. Jameer Nelson – He is probably the worst PG in the league and the #1 reason why Orlando should take Trey Burke Sucks at #2 in a few weeks. I’m not sure how many people still think that Nelson can play but he is an absolute shell of what he used to be 5 years ago.

4. Brandon Jennings – This guy defines “chucker”. All he does is take horrible shots and turn the ball over. I’m pretty sure that the third year point guard has never had a multiple assist game. I was going to include Monta Ellis in here as well as somehow these two ball hogs play on the same team but I think that Ellis is better and will end up being a rich man’s Nate Robinson for the next five years or so. Oh and Jennings plays worse defense than the 2013 Cavs and that says a lot.

3. Dwight Howard – He doesn’t make anyone better. He is immature. He is not a team player at all. He is a coach killer. He is a 7 foot tall infant. In other words, he would be the perfect Clipper.

2. Chris Bosh – There is going to come a point when Bosh is portrayed so often as being OVERRATED that he becomes underrated…but that will not be today. It amazes me how soft this guy is. As much as I would love to see Miami amnesty him in a few weeks (like I said earlier, Pat Riley is going to have some tough ass decisions to make in the offseason), I feel like all of those great Miami Heat fans deserve Bosh.

1. Joe Johnson – I seemingly end up with this guy on my fantasy year as I always feel like he gives me great value in the 8th-9th round. I never do well in that league. Joe Johnson sucks. He does nothing well. He never has. He owns the league’s worst contract and will until it runs out. He doesn’t shoot well. He doesn’t pass. He doesn’t rebound or play defense. The Nets lost a first round series to the Bulls in which they had homecourt and the Bulls had NO ONE outside of Noah. That falls on Johnson for being a shitty superstar.

And this ends today’s topic on OVERRATED athletes. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s journey into the realm of the NFL. Guess whose names will not be appearing: ELITE and Flacco! One more thing about the NBA, I am sick of those stupid fucking Chris and Cliff Paul commercials. I’m all for black people just leaving a baby behind at the hospital as if they forgot that the mom had twins but they aren’t cute or funny. Cliff Paul sucks. Also, we are going full bore with NEXT WEEK BEING GUEST POST WEEK. For realz this time!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

By The Power of Grayskull...




                            "I'll suck your cock for that Iron Man figure..."



These last two weeks have been a fucking anal massacre for me at work and a constant reminder of just how lame being an adult is.  Seriously…it’s not fun.  Most of us work jobs that we hate for the most part.  And these jobs do nothing but put us in bad moods for the rest of the day because the people we work with have the brain power of a butthole.  Most of the money we make goes to pay dumb things like bills (or black dildos if you’re Ide and lard ass prostitutes if you’re Damman).  By the time we get home from work, we’re so physically and mentally exhausted that all we want to do is lay on the couch and zone out in front of whatever show happens to be on since we don’t have the STREMPH to change the channel.  Fuck being an adult.

So in the midst of last week I started thinking back to how fucking great it was to be a kid.  Your only job was to get through school so you could make it home and play with your toys or go fuck around town with your friends.  While reminiscing, I turned on the telly and caught an episode of the show Toy Hunter.  ELITE concept…queer host.  Seriously.  This guy is fucking terrible.  If the content wasn’t so God damn fascinating I wouldn’t waste my time.  So I started thinking about the best toys I had as a kid and how I would trade just about anything to go back to that time.  Here’s what I came up with.

U.S.S. Flagg G.I. Joe Aircraft carrier


Really anything G.I. Joe was the tits.  But this toy in particular was a must own for me when I was growing up.  I can imagine how pissed parents nationwide were when this toy hit the market.  It originally retailed for something like $100, which was probably the equivalent to $10,000 today dollars.  I’m pretty sure I calculated that right.  This bad bitch was over seven feet long and held literally every G.I. Joe toy you owned.  And if you were me…that was a lot of G.I. Joes.  I’m not exactly sure what happened to this toy but knowing how I was as a kid, it’s probably at the bottom of my parent’s pond.  I’m sure at some point I was curious if the thing actually floated.  It doesn’t.

This toy was featured on the episode of Toy Hunter I saw and sold for $6,000 unopened in the box.  I was instantly sick.  Now, it was always a completely irrational concept for me to have any of these toys sealed from my childhood.  But even an opened U.S.S. Flagg with all of the parts still sells for anywhere between $1,500 and $2,000.  Still want to barf of myself.

Big Wheels



Fuck yeah, Big Wheels.  If you didn’t own a Big Wheel you were a fucking loser.  I’m serious.  I was in a Big Wheel street gang growing up.  That’s real.  We didn’t do anything destructive.  We just cruised the sidewalks of Napoleon on our Big Wheels while wearing jean jackets.  I had the Knight Rider Big Wheel and was CLEARLY the leader of the pack.  Don't hassle the IceHoff.  I bet Dut had the Strawberry Shortcake one.

Transformers



Transformers was my shit.  I had to own them all.  I never missed an episode when the cartoon came out, either.  It was the start of my portly phase.  I still dig the Transformers today and will be wearing Autobots and Decepticon cufflinks at my wedding.  ELITE.  I was definitely a Decepticon supporter and my prized possession was Megatron…not the lame ass Megatron either.  I had the cool Megatron that turned into a gun before the USA became all pussy and discontinued it.  Even though I loved Transformers, I was not the most passionate collector in the house.  My older brother received Optimus Prime for his birthday one year and wept like his best friend just died in his arms.  It was a pretty awesome thing to witness and even at my young age knew that reaction was pretty fucking weird.

Nintendo




I’m pretty sure every kid at one point had the Nintendo.  Shit…I still have one.  If you didn’t have a Nintendo or say that you never liked playing Nintendo then you are probably a homosexual.  My parents used to do the most cold hearted shit back then.  If we were in trouble for something or grounded (which happened a lot) they would take the controllers with them to work and hide them when they got home.  So the console was always sitting right there with all the games…just no possible way to play them.  I had a pretty thick hatred for my parents when they pulled that stunt.  Contra will always be the GOAT.

Super Soaker



Just a water gun on steroids.  But a fun as fuck water gun that had the potential to really piss people off.  If you were able to really lay into someone with a Super Soaker it could completely ruin their day and destroy their clothes.  My fondest memory of the Super Soaker is when I showed up to my friend Nick’s house one day and walked into him attempting to turn one into a flame thrower.  It was a Pulitzer worthy idea.

Toys that were OVERRATED and for douche bags.

Rubix Cube – I always ended up just peeling the stickers off and re-applying them giving the illusion that I won.  Think smarter, not harder is what I say.

Any doll – If you were a boy then you shouldn’t have one.  My parents bought me a Teddy Ruxpin when I was like 7.  I think.  I immediately buried it in my closet.  Even at 7 I was smart enough to know what a shit toy looked like.

Slinky – What a retarded ass toy.  Thanks for this thing that turns itself into a heap of scrap metal after 3 uses.

Legos – I’ll say it.  Legos sucked balls.  I don’t care to spend 9 hours putting something together that will fucking crumble if I fart within 4 feet of it.  What was the point?  Hey kids…spend an eternity putting this together then put it on your shelf and look at it!  What fun!!  Go fuck yourself, Legos.

Duplos – Legos for the retarded kid down the street.

There you go, shit dicks.  The toys I would give my right nut for to be able to play with again instead of being a working stiff.  We have a few different eras that comment here so there should be some pretty heavy nostalgia going on today.  Look for Grumpy to talk about his Evil Knievel card collection or how revolutionary the hula hoop was.  Look for StanGina to be a faggot.  Adios, turd nuggets.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Happy Belated Father's Day, Jerks!

NO, WOOOO!, YES, DEAD
Have we done this post before?  I feel like this is a fresh idea.  I can remember doing the worst sons (Hi Reid boys!) but not the "best" dads in the business.  And since you can't turn on your TV this week without hearing about how terrific Phildo Mickelson is at the sport of parenting and cheating on his wife constantly (if you can't see how big of a phony this guy is then you are a rube), this seems fitting.  Who are the best dads in sports?  Well, I spent a whole 40 minutes of research on this and here they are (in no particular order):

DeMarcus Cousins - NEVER FORGET!

Richard Williams - When Venus won Wimbledon in 2000, pops screamed, and I shit you not, "STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON"!  That.  Is.  Awesome.  I'm sure the The Queen got the reference.  By the way, I just want to reiterate that I love Serena Williams.  Don't you judge me.

Dale Earnhardt - The Intimidator loved to race and comb crumbs out of his ELITE mustache.  God bless the man (and Texas) for sacrificing his own life so that his loser son could finish second.

Wayne Gretzky - His daughter is a very sexy whore who has banged numerous athletes so I'm going to count this.  He's done a great job.  Dustin Johnson is a very lucky average golfer.

Patrick Roy - The new Avalanche coach got into a fight during one of his son's games in Canada a few years ago while he was coaching which led to a suspension.  Do NOT fuck with Canadian Junior Hockey.

Jerry Sandusky - Well, he was a father figure to all of those Second Mile kids!

Jim Pierce - Remember Mary Pierce?  She was a thing on the tennis courts in the late 90's.  Yeah, her dad got into hot water when he yelled to his daughter "KILL THE BITCH" during a match.  Jim Pierce demands blood.  And the WTA had to make rules to prevent this type of behavior from happening again.

Karl Malone - He has literally told two of his bastard kids that he won't give them any money.  They are both professional athletes which says something about his sperm power and his ability to deliver the mail, but little about how big of an asshole he is.

Q-Tip - Most of you don't know this cat but he used to violate Dut's sister in high school so you know he is all class.  He offered this advice on Facebook yesterday regarding fatherhood:

all u fuck boys mkn babys n not tkn care of em need 2 cut that shit out! i look @ my son & cudnt imagine abandoning him! u need 2 b shot wlkn around callin urselves men knowin u hv young 1s 2 tk care of...man the fk up
Terrific.  Q-Tip is the best.  Prime is a fuck boy.
George Foreman - He has like twenty kids and they're all named George.  Hell of an indoor grill salesman though.

Earl Woods - I don't know if he sucked or not, but the SNL check where Tim Meadows plays Tiger and Tracy Morgan plays Earl and glues the clubs to Tiger's hands and whatnot is major LULZ.

Ric Flair - Can you even imagine being a child of The Nature Boy?  It has to be so embarrassing.  I only mention Flair because his youngest son died a few months ago.  Cause of death, you ask?  HEROIN OVERDOSE!  Stylin' and profilin' indeed.

Jack Harbaugh - DUH BRAH!

Papa Hoyt - Got to respect The Moron Twins!  Hoyt this.

Any parent that you know that gets loud or violent with a coach or an umpire - Everyone knows someone who acts like this.  These people are worse than OJ Simpson.

LeBron's Dad - This might be the biggest upset in the history of the world.  We do not know who his old man is for certain.  There are rumors, of course, because Gloria is a filthy prostitute but no one has claimed the best athlete on the planet yet.  No one has even offered a DNA taste.  This is incredible.  Actually, you know what, it's probably smart thinking.  Nobody wants to end up like Michael Jordan's father (murdered).

Finally, Shawn Kemp, Antonio Cromartie, and Travis Henry - At least 25 kids between the three with at least 15 different jersey chasers.  Top notch work, men.

As usual, feel free to add your own terrific sports dads into the mix if I forgot some people (I did).  The one name I absolutely had to include was Jackie BRAH so I feel like this was a job well done.  Sort of off topic but does anyone remember the story from last summer where an umpire got assaulted after a game a Berliner by asshole parents?  It was all over the news for a week or so and the team was disbanded.  Well, GUESS WHO I'M WORKING WITH NEXT SATURDAY!  I'm going to beat some ass if they step up to me.  You tell those parents that they can Hoyt this.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Underwear as a Protection

Little you know about wearing underwear is that it actually serves as a protection for whatever you have down there. Perhaps most of the time that you have been wearing underwear is that you have not even really tried to think about why are you actually wearing underwear. Does wearing underwear really essential? Do people get the choice not to wear one? Yes, of course, you all have the choice not to wear underwear but beware because in some countries, like Thailand, it is actually prohibited to not wear underwear when you are in public places. So mind you there are lot of reasons why you should start thinking of getting the best kinds of underwear whatever the reasons there might be. The primary reason for the choice of underwear is the convenience that it provides.

But at times, the choice of underwear also depends on the kind of lifestyle that we have. For example, if you are a person who is outgoing or engage in intense sporting activities, you might want to purchase mens padded underwear so that you would become entirely sure that your anatomy down under is protected by all cost. This type of underwear is really affordable and by no means made more affordable by rounderwear.com. This shop makes sure that you get the best quality because they make sure that you are protected enough with their underwear offerings. It might sound really odd but if you are into sports like cycling or martial arts which involve a lot of kicking, you might want to consider this type of underwear. You should know better how to protect your anatomy by using the underwear that provides the best protection and with this you should start buying it at www.rounderwear.com. This shop would offer you the best and it will give you a different perspective when it comes to wearing underwear. This now goes beyond the traditional and conventional wearing of underwear.

Yes, you need underwear for protection.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Angry Rant Friday

Will not be served at Merion this weekend.
We are not fucking around today, people.  It is one of those days where we get everything off of our barrel chests.  It has been awhile since my normally mild-mannered and civilized self has done this but after watching a few hours of Chris Berman make sweaty, drunk, and gross love with Roger Maltbie yesterday, I am all out of sorts.  And, of course, filled with murderous rage.  Shall we?  WE SHALL.

*TIGER WOODS IS BACK! - Just stop it.  I HATE this talking point that morons seem to bring up every few weeks.  Look, I can already tell after five holes that Woods is going home without another major title this weekend.  That's obvious to anyone with working eyeballs.  So this weekend is a wash for me since I hate the US Open anyway and the only reason that I watch will not be in contention.  Here's the thing: just because he is back to winning those shit tournaments at Doral or Riviera or whatever doesn't mean dick.  Tiger Woods isn't here to win those because no one remembers.  He is here to take the majors to Pound Town.  So until he wears the gold jacket or hoists the Maurice Clarett Jug/Dut Cup, he isn't "back".  Majors matter--nothing else does (especially FedEx Cup points).  So STOP IT and go get me a bucket of fried chicken.

*THE UNWRITTEN RULES! - Ugh, I love baseball but the archaic rules are fucking retarded and our being meted out these days by the dumbest human beings on the planet and they are enforcing them incorrectly.  When the only decent player on the Dodgers gets hit IN THE FACE, then yes, a Diamondback should expect to catch one in the back.  I support this actually and not just because of eye for an eye either.  I believe in swift and equal justice for all.  That should have ended right there.  But NOOOOOO, Ian Kennedy had to hit plunk the pitcher around the head for doing his job and then benches cleared like a mug as they should have.  Kirk Gibson should be suspended for 50 games over this.  That was some bullshit.  You don't retaliate on the retaliation.  I hope that Ian Kennedy receives a thousand facials this weekend and goes blind from all the semen in his eye sockets.

*UNLIMITED TIMEOUTS! - NBA teams get SEVEN timeouts per game.  What the fuck?  What do you need all of those timeouts for?  You're purposely making these games twenty minutes longer than they need to be.  Do you really need more than three or four?  Keep these fucking games moving already!

*CLUTCH! - I don't use ESPN Mobile apps but I know that I never will because of those horribly animated commercials with the dipshittiest of all dipshits saying CLUTCH all the time.  The only way that these could be worse is if they stole Cullen's catchphrase of "HAAAAARRRRRRRSH". 

*I WIPE MY BROW AND I SWEAT MY RUST - I used to like that song by Imagine Dragons but HOLY SHIT IT IS EVERYWHERE NOW.  The Jackets' pregame video was set to this song and it was badass and then everyone decided to use it and now I hate it dearly.  Of course, LeBron had to jump on the bandwagon about six months too late because he is a shitdick.  KILL THIS SONG!  KILL IT GOOD AND DEAD FOREVER.

Before I go, I also want to echo Jeff's comments from yesterday in which game 1 of the Stanley Cup Final was interrupted by three full periods of Jym Ganahl and Colleen Marshall arguing about wind and who has the bigger FUPA.  It was Jim.  There were apparently a whole fuck-ton of complaints to the network so GO HOCKEY!  I was wondering if next week would be a good week to unload Guest Post Week (still missing Cakes!).  I probably should have just asked Iceman personally.  Whatever.  Fuck that guy.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

If You Can Read This Then You Are Not Dead

Hello, all. If you are reading this, you somehow survived the impending end of the world that was crashing down upon the Midwest overnight. It sounds like it could be/was pretty intense. We were lead to believe that this comma-shaped bitch from the west was bringing 80-100 mph winds with it, tornadoes, and hail the size of Grumpy’s prostate (which I assume is huge since he is old and bad). I am absolutely terrified that my roof will be eviscerated and my fence completely gone by the time that I woke up today from what I keep hearing is on the way. I also guarantee that if this storm comes through after I’ve already fallen asleep that I will not wake up when it rolls through because I am an ELITE sleeper.

I fully anticipate losing power tonight which means no air conditioning and that means a surly G$. If I lose power at home, it sure as shit is going to fuck with the office, too. So with those things factored in, I’m mailing this one in today as I don’t want to use all of my remaining pre-stormageddon energy on a blog. I want to spend that time with the ones I love. LOL just kidding, I would never do that.

This sort of shit is right up Brady’s wheelhouse (his anus) which makes it even more annoying. These asshole weather men better have been wrong. During those heavy winds 4-5 years ago, we lost power for over two days and I wanted to DIE. It was the worst. No one suffered more than I did during that brutal stretch. So I guess today we can talk about whatever and hopefully we can all report this morning that we never lost power, our houses did not get blown away, Brady gives great head, and Stan Stachak/Jym Ganahl can eat shit.

Please don’t get all uppity about how I switch verb tenses seemingly every other sentence. I am well aware of that glitch in the normally terrific writing. Even in a mail-in post, it’s hard to write about the future from the present as if the future is the past. Confused? Good enough, then we’re done here. Just know that if I don’t comment before 9 AM then I am DEAD and you all have to have tender sex with my corpse. It’s what I want. We’ll come up with something better for tomorrow if any of us lived through last night. YOLO!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

When "Good Job, Good Effort" Goes Wrong

Sexiest sexual harrassment ever!
Yesterday, everyone was champing at the bit to give their opinion on the whole Chad Johnson courtroom fiasco. As is customary here, we are finally going to be addressing a day or two late and thus not say anything new. This is what we do here! I think that we can all agree that professional athletes getting arrested for ridiculous things is just great. Every time it happens you just know that they said “do you know WHO I AM” before getting slapped with handcuffs. I love it. I can’t get enough. Hell, I’m pretty sure that Titus Young has earned himself a Money Shot Man of the Year nomination for his ELITE lifestyle over the past 12 months.

Anyway, we all saw on Hard Knocks last fall when the usually affable and harmless, Chad Johnson, got nailed for domestic violence with his wife who he met through Twitter because of course he did. Then the Dolphins cut him while we all watched and it was just a little bit heartbreaking to see. Ocho spent the last 12 months doing nothing and likely pissing away all of his remaining money on stupid shit and we all forgot about him. Until recently, of course, we violated his probation and was looking at jail time. His lawyer reached a plea deal with--I don’t know…whoever criminals plead with…the state maybe(?)--in order to avoid his 30 day suspended jail sentence from the domestic violence charge.

Judge McHugh agreed to the plea offer. She instructed Chad to thank his lawyer for getting him out of this jam. His first response was to treat his attorney like TJ Houshmandzadeh and slap him on the ass. Everyone laughed. The judge did not. She did a complete 180 and rejected the just agreed to plea deal and decided to send Chad to jail for 30 days since he wasn’t taking this seriously. And this leads us to the big debate of the week: Does a harmless and childish butt slap really warrant a month behind bars? I’ll answer that for myself (because who else is going to answer it).

Yes. Absolutely it does. Once you strip away the fact that Chad Johnson is a clown who could use a lesson in humility and civility, it basically boils down to a grown man with a 5 year old’s demeanor making a mockery of the legal system (which is already enough of a joke as it is). The dude was in this position in the first place for beating his wife. Let’s not forget that, Ace (who I am certain will be disagreeing with me today). He skated on hard time for that but then violated his probation terms because he has never taken anything seriously. Ocho again avoids an actual punishment from that while celebrating as if he was a BRAH in a locker room. I’m sorry, but that is the third fucking strike. You’re out, asshole.

This whole situation is dumb, weird, hilarious, and admirable. It’s dumb that a grown man would still be giving out ass pats to another grown man. It’s weird because everything that Chad Johnson does is weird and I hope that the prison sex that he is forced into is also weird (although he’ll probably end up at some sort of halfway house-type place. It’s hilarious because OMG LOOK AT THAT BAILIFF! HE IS THE BEST! RICHARD MOLL WOULD BE PROUD! I haven’t enjoyed a random black man this much since Denard Robinson’s brother during the NFL Draft. And it’s admirable because the Judge immediately realized that letting this cocksucker off would be a huge mistake so she (Office Space) fixed the glitch. I have no problem with this whatsoever for the same reason that I had no problem with Gordon Gee firing himself. If you’re going to constantly be a douche bag then eventually it is going to bite you.

In other awesome Bengals-related arrests this week, Pacman Jones was nailed for hitting a woman at a bar over the weekend and then breaking the news of his recent conquest on his Twitter page. He claims that he was defending himself. Yeah, that defense does not work when it comes to women, Pacman. You should know this. Why the fuck is this guy still going to bars? It was a strip club, wasn’t it? It had to be.

Thus concludes my tour into the realm of Blogger’s Law. It is one that requires no actual time spent in law school but it is mandatory to treat everyone differently based on the color of their skin and love for giving themselves stupid nicknames. Also, what’s going on with this FBI raid of Azul Tequila in Nap? Is it possible for our Mexican restaurants to make it five years without getting nailed for illegal aliens? The sad thing is that the best Mexican food in town now is at Taco Bell. GO CATS!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Mo Cheeks Mo Problems


 "You will not fire me...I'm totes smart...I know what I'm doing...You will not fire me..."



The Detroit Pistons have finally ended their extensive round of interviews for their vacant head coaching job that will most certainly be vacant again in 2 years.  And they decided to go with the decorated former Portland/Philadelphia head coach Maurice Edward "Mo" Cheeks.  Jesus Christ.  This organization's dedication to losing is fucking remarkable.  I realize at this point that the Piston's head coaching job isn't that attractive.  The city is a fucking sink hole and the team hasn't been relevant since 2008.  But you're telling me the best you can come up with was a fucking coin flip between Mo Cheeks and Nate McMillan??  Just shameful.

This whole "getting Phil Jackson involved" thing was a God damn disaster from the start.  And it ends in equally disastrous fashion with this pig shit of a hire.  Here's a serious question that I would love a serious answer to.  Just exactly what the fuck did Jackson do to aid in this coaching search besides make the Pistons look like a pathetic mess?  Seriously!  What?!  I heard basically all he did was make a handful of visits and eventually tried selling Dumars on Brian Shaw...a guy who played AND coached under Jackson.  So essentially Gores paid Phil Jackson to fly from LA, or wherever the fuck he lives, a couple of times just to tell Joe Dumars he should hire a buddy of his.  Impressive way to waste money, fuck bag.

I was never a fan of getting Jackson involved to begin with.  I heard a lot of mindless chatter from Pistons fans talking about how Detroit is finally going to get the right coach now that such a “great basketball mind” like Jackson is assisting in the quest.  This was my issue from the start.  If you’re paying Dumars to make these decisions that he has proven he clearly cannot make…then WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CONTINUE TO EMPLOY HIM?!  It’s not like the fans are picketing for Dumars to retain his job.  Everyone hates him and wants him gone.  Dumars has shown over the last 5 years that he has no God damn idea what he’s doing.  Bringing in someone to essentially teach him how to do his job 13 years later is flat out embarrassing for this franchise.  Dumars is an idiot.  Everyone knows that.  Instead of making a fucking mockery out of the team, do what should have been done 3 years ago and send his ass to the unemployment line.

So fast forward to yesterday and the announcement of Mo Cheeks.  Jackson was ignored every step of the way and Dumars made a dumb hire like he always does.  I just have no words to properly express my frustration.  I’ll never understand how guys who fail miserably as head coaches in the NBA continue to get considered for head coaching jobs when they have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt they don’t have what it takes.  Cheeks has been fired twice in the last 13 years as a head coach and has finished over .500 only twice and people only remember him because he bailed out some chick who fucking bricked on the National Anthem.  Yeah.  That’s the guy I want coaching my team.

The only thing keeping me from leaping to my death today is knowing that no matter who the Pistons hire they will always be better than the Cavs.  That is a FACT.  On a side note: Wheelz had her bridal shower…or whatever the fuck it’s called this last Sunday.  We made out like bandits and bridal showers are a definite check on the “pro” side of getting married.  For example.  We registered at triple B’s (Bed Bath and Beyond for the un-hip ones here), Target and Macy’s I think.  While walking through triple B’s thinking of ways to hurt myself just enough to put me in the hospital but not enough to do permanent damage, I stumbled upon the pillow section.  As a total joke, I grabbed that gun thingy they give you and beeped the softest most expensive pillow those fuckers had in the joint.  I actually remember laughing and saying out loud, “No one is dumb enough to buy this for me”.  I stand corrected, gents.  I fucking cackled when I showed up to the last 30 minutes of the shower and saw this $200 (not kidding) beautiful bastard staring me in the face.  THANKS IDIOT WHO BOUGHT THAT FOR ME!!  Now all we need is that Margartiaville Margarita maker I secretly slid in the registry and we’re all set.