Friday, May 31, 2013

Looking At The Top Five Tight Ends In 2013 Fantasy Football

Kevin Boss in less DEAD times...
As the NFL continues to evolve, more and more teams are using their tight ends as huge receiving targets. Their value in fantasy football continues to grow, meaning that they will be taken higher in the draft than ever in 2013. Here’s a look at the five best heading into the season.

Jimmy Graham

Now that he should enter 2013 healthy, Jimmy Graham will finally be the best tight end in the NFL. The New Orleans Saints in a way will be looking to bounce back from a 2012 season to forget. He has a pass-happy quarterback in Drew Brees, so that certainly helps his numbers. As long as he finds the end zone a bit more frequently, he will be fine.

Rob Gronkowski

There are some lingering injury issues for Gronkowski, which is why he drops just slightly. If healthy and able to play all 16 games, he will more than likely end up as the #1 tight end in the NFL. With Wes Welker gone, the Patriots will utilize their two main tight ends more than ever. Tom Brady has full trust in Gronkowski, so expect him to get plenty of red zone touches as well.

Jason Witten

Witten caught more passes in a season than any other tight end in NFL history last season, and the Dallas Cowboys figure to target him just as much this year. After some concern in the preseason last season due to a lacerated spleen, people were unsure how good he would be. It will be hard to match his numbers from last season, but he will still easily be in the top five.

Tony Gonzalez

The ageless one is back once again for the Atlanta Falcons, and he will get plenty of open looks. Last season he caught 93 passes for 930 yards, which shows he has more than enough left in the tank. He might not get as many touches in 2013, but he is a durable guy who the Falcons will feed throughout the game.

Aaron Hernandez

As good as Hernandez is, he still has to battle with Gronkowski for touches. There is also that durability issue that he has had the last couple of seasons. The Patriots love to line him up all over the field, making him technically not even a true tight end. Fantasy football owners will select him early, but he is fifth for now.

This Has Been A Clinic On Flopping

The NBA and NHL really know what they’re doing when it comes to scheduling their playoffs. Not only are we stuck in a time of the year where nothing happens but there is also NOTHING on TV that any sane person would watch. For God’s sake, Ape was bragging about watching some documentary on mermaids yesterday. Since we talked about the hilarious end to the Red Wings’ season already, why don’t we shift our focus to the NBA Eastern Conference Finals today (since game 5 happened last night and we will assume that the Heat won because they are going to win this series anyway).

If you are one of those spunk junkies who thinks that the refs should not be fouling out the superstars like LeBron and Wade then take today off and go listen to your boy, Colin T. I am actually going to defend the indefensible today. Joey Crawford may be the absolute biggest shit-brick in officiating, but how can you blame him really? Every time that he or any other ref blows their whistle, they get bitched at or glared at or mean-mugged into submission (often times by minorities!). Everybody is ALWAYS whining over everything. Now we have the best players in the world flopping at one end of the court and then getting all pissy when it happens to them at the other. Basically, these assholes want their BradyCake and eat it, too. So what are the officials to do to combat this? Call everything and be an asshole about it or call nothing and look incompetent. The WAY OF WADES of the world have left them no choice. Go ahead and watch that GIF a few more times and figure out how you would handle these fully grown babies.

People talk a lot of shit about MANsbrough and how he is just a big oaf who leads the team in up-downs (even though the coach didn’t tell them to do any because they play basketball after all) but you will never accuse him of flopping. That same thing could be said about Hibbert, Udonis Haslem, and The Birdman (who is still a proud member of my Lockout Arrest fantasy team). Those men are to be respected. It is those pussies on the wings that deserve all of the scorn. In case last night’s game was a turd worth no discussion, I figured that today I would just rank the top 5 worst floppers from the Eastern Conference Finals.

5. David West – I only include this because he should be raked through the coals for his part in the LeBron Double Flop from game 4. West has a good old school game though so I assume that he is just fighting fire with fire.

4. Lance Stephenson – I have no idea where this guy’s head is and I find him to be fascinating. It’s almost as if that forearm shiver that Wade threw at him in game 2 (no foul called of course despite it being intentional) turned him into some sort of Ron Artest incarnate. If you come anywhere near the former underachieving Bearcat then he will somehow end up planted in the upper deck. It’s almost amusing to see him pick his spots to flop and then not get any calls.

3. WAY OF WADE – I hate you. You complain about everything. It brings great joy to me to see you play all sorts of bad out there.

2. LeBron – Seriously, he’s better than this. You don’t have to scream as if you’ve been shot every single time that you drive to the lane. In fact, let’s go to the tape!
“I don't need to flop,” LeBron said back during the Bulls series. “I play an aggressive game. I don't flop. I've never been one of those guys.”
Who the fuck are you trying to fool? You want to be compared to Michael? That’s cool, then stop acting like Reggie Miller (who takes pride in being the best flopper in NBA history).

1. Shane Battier – I don’t know how anyone could like or respect this guy. He went to Duke for Christ sake! There isn’t a dirtier player in the league who also doubles as the biggest flopper as well. That is some lofty shit right there. The same guy who has no problem kneeing big dudes in the sack also takes a dive if the towel boy gets too close to him.

Iceman mentioned this the other day, too, but it bears repeating: Fuck Mario Chalmers. I saw somewhere the other day where he named his daughter (likely out of wedlock) “Queen Elizabeth”. That should make you hate him even more. I hope that the game was good last night so that we have something to talk about today. Well, we can always talk about how much Drew sucks. It’s not like he can respond! He’s probably a flopper, too.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Two Jerks Enter, One Jerk Stays

Ugh, much like Ide's pretend issues, I actually do suffer from face-crippling allergies.  This time of year is always especially brutal for your hero.  Between the constant sneezing and hourly whack sessions, I've went through almost an entire box of tissues already this week.  When you consider this and add the horrible reality of short work weeks stuffing five days of shit into four, well, this week can get fucked so hard.  Needless to say, I'm mailing this one.  Fortunately, we have the payoff of a commenter wager to get us through Thursday.

Game 7 was last night.  While I am working on this before the puck drops and thus will not be dropping dynamite insights, I expect the Blackhawks to finish off Team Scandinavia at home.  Whoever won the game though, there will be consequences.  In case you missed the afternoon comments yesterday, Prime and Drew have agreed to terms that the loser of the series will be allowed to catch a bunch of shit today but then they will be SHUT DOWN from commenting here for the next week.  Considering that both are stalwarts here, this is important!

So let's spend a portion of today wishing either Drew or Prime well during their seven day sabbatical from The Money Shot while I throw out a few other topics that may warrant discussion (but the focus should be on how big of a bitch the loser is).

*I regret to inform all of you that I totally forgot to apply for Big Brother this year.  The new season premieres in about a month and I can GUARANSHEED to all of you that I will not be on it.  That is very unlike me.  I really dropped the ball on this one.  I apologize.  You'll all just have to enjoy this season without seeing my beautiful face.

*Speaking of hockey, did Bob end up winning the cover for NHL '14?  It's about time that the CBJ win something.  God knows that we can't win the lottery.  Also Jackets-related, incredibly awesome radio play-by-play guy, George Matthews, has pretty much said that he is retiring from the job that he's had since the team came to town.  Matthews is seriously the BEST.  Who else would drop gems like "HOLY SMOKE-A-ROO WHAT A STOP!"

*The Memorial starts today.  I'm not going.  I was offered free passes to the Pro-Am through work yesterday but I turned them down.  If I can't breathe while sitting indoors, I'm sure that being out on a golf course wouldn't help much.  I'm breathing like an avid Steelers fan.  I assume that Tiger will win and Jack will reward him with a bucket of fried chicken.

*Are we supposed to be getting bombed by cicadas up here this summer?  I know that the east coast is getting invaded by these horrible creatures right now.  I still remember the last time that they were here and it was worse than a conversation with Cakes.

*We'll get into baseball more in the coming days and weeks but I just want to remind everyone that Tom Hamilton is the worst in the business.  If you don't believe me, go back and listen to his overreaction to Aroldis Chapman going high and tight on Swishalicious on Monday.  The guy is a menace and someone needs to rip out his voice box.  He is worse than Rod Allen.  Yeah, I said it.

That will do it for me today.  If you don't like it just let me know and I'll drop by your house and sneeze in your face.  I'm running low on tissues anyway.  So let's all wish last night's big loser well before the ride off the sunset as the piss-pants losers that they are.  Please be Drew.  Please be Drew.  Please be Drew.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Awwwwwww Poor Brian Kelly

Never forget that this face got away with pre-emptive murder.
The big news coming out of Memorial Day weekend was not that Damman and Dut teamed up to be the worst drunken duo that I perhaps have ever seen (Ide and Burke would be tough to beat there), but that Brian Kelly went ahead and lost his quarterback for the coming season. Oh man, what terrific breaking news to see scroll on the bottom line on Saturday night. The team that everyone with balls hates just lost the only decent returning skill player that they had! YEAH! It was always unclear how Notre Dame kept winning last year and now we know why…they’re a bunch of CHEATERS! Let’s take a look at a few of the sub-plots behind this story separately to give them the hilarious detail that they deserve.

*Everett Golson is GONE! – Let’s be honest here, the kid is a really good athlete who kind of sucks throwing passes that aren’t in the general vicinity of the departed Tyler Eifert. He can make plays and is probably way better than the lesser known Braxton Miller, but Golson isn’t all that great. If he was then the Red-Faced Troll wouldn’t have sat him last year on some key fourth quarter drives.

*Everett Golson is coming back though! – Damn. I wanted something more juicy here than “probably got caught cheating on exams” or, as we all know it better as, “Florida State during the Bobby Bowden Era”. I give him some props for not being a pussy and going to McNeese State though. Most stupid football players would have taken the easy way out and transferred somewhere that allows others to take your tests (again, like Florida State) for you. He wants to be a Domer. He wants to be one of the ten black guys on that campus. That’s kind of respectable. Take your punishment like a man.

*LOL Gunnar Kiel rumors! – This shithead is already on his 20th school in less than a year now that he has re-surfaced in Cincinnati under Scumbag Tuberville. Apparently, he could transfer BACK to South Bend without having to sit out a year if he wanted. He doesn’t want to. That’s good, too, as I want to throw all of my feces at Kiel when he comes to Yager Stadium this fall.

*Brian Kelly is fucked! – And I couldn’t be happier. They are really going to capitalize on that miracle season last year by going 7-5! I can’t wait to watch Tommy Rees play QB drunk every week. Or maybe they give the rock to true freshman (from Alter) Malik Zaire! That would be a disaster. This pussy couldn’t even beat Nap last year. Granted, the game got canceled due to lightning before he even got the ball once but he’s still a bitch.

*It could have been worse for Golson! – Sure, cheating is bad and all that but look at what happened to some of his peers. Te’o got catfished to Hell and back and now has to listen to Marmalard Rivers quote scripture every day while he waits for his passes to float down from the heavens. He could have been pushed off of a video lift by a vengeful wind. He could have been violently raped and had it covered up. In the end, he gets a year off from football where his job will probably be waiting for him and a chance to get his shit together. Like I said, it could have been worse.

Thus ends the brief period in which Notre Dame football was relevant. They are now without a capable starting QB, defensive leadership, their stud TE, and both Golic boys are gone from the program (one to graduation; the other also transferred to UC…better save some of that feces for Mike—he’ll probably think that it’s POT ROAST!). While we can all anxiously await their shitty and excuse filled season, we also can sit back, relax, and enjoy the weekly temper tantrums thrown by The Murderous Brian Kelly. It’s great to have things back where they belong.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Indianapolis BRAH Hundred

 "I'm gonna get so much fucking hillbilly head today..."



While most of you were spending National BBQ day honoring it the way it was meant to by getting loaded, grilling animal flesh and ignoring all things military, I decided to do things a little different for myself this year.  Since I've never been to a NASCAR or Indycar race before and have heard from numerous buck toothed hillbillies how life changing something like that is, I went to the one man I knew could help me out.  I Facebooked Dut since I know he is a proud NASCAR season ticket holder and has racing hookups all over the country.  He came through like a champ.  So I dusted off my best pair of nut hugging wranglers, grabbed my cleanest wrinkled cut off Al Unser t-shirt and headed for Indianapolis for a night of race car shenanigans.  Here's what happened.

Iceman: This place smells like rat piss.

Local: Sure does, stranger...just the way us locals like it.

Iceman: Is it to keep people like me as far away as possible?

Local: Actually we have a pretty pristine reputation to uphold.  Indiana is currently top 5 worst states to live in and we would like to keep it that way.  So we do things like purposely make it smell like the inside of a hooker's poop chuter and sign professional athletes like Tyler Hansbrough.

Iceman: AFFletes...

Local: Excuse me?

Iceman: Nevermind...I heard Hansbrough still has a paper route.

Local: That's true.  I get my paper from him every day at 1PM.  Just like clock work.  He loves it when I tip him in Fun Dip.  That kid is more reliable than my sister's ovulation cycle...

Iceman: Why do you know your sister's ovulation cycle?

Local:  Hey look!!  It's Jim Harbaugh!  Let's get closer so we can get an autograph...

/we're able to get just close enough to hear the following conversation

Jim Harbaugh: So you fuck wads brought me all the way down here to drive this broke down shit box around a track?

Official: Jim, this is a huge honor.  One of the highest in all of sports.

Jim: You call this shit a sport?  Anything you can do while jacking your bone isn't a sport, jiz rag.  And don't "huge honor" me, dick wart.  I saw you fuckers let that frosted haired cum queen from the Food Network drive last year.  What's his name...Guy Fiero or some shit?

Official: You masturbate while you drive??

Jim: Only every God damn fucking day, fart cock.  Who the fuck doesn't is the better question?  I think that's pretty standard around America, gents.  Driving while bating is as American as dick slapping beaner spicks for no fucking reason at all.

Official: Well....there will be no "bating" as you so eloquently put in while driving the pace car today, Jim.

Jim: I'm at least steering the car with my piss rod while out there today.  It would be very un-Harbaugh not to.  The world needs to know how my fuck pole will leave stretch marks on any mouth that attempts to suck it.  Male OR female.  A BJ's a BJ amiright??

Official: You will not be doing that, Jim.  That's inappropriate even for the racing world...

Jim: You guys are faggots.  This is some grade A horse shit.  You dil-rods suck more than Crean-Pie sucks my sister Joanie's veiny sausage.  You know why we call him Crean-Pie, right?  Because in college he paid frat guys to blow their load in his asshole so he could fart sperm bubbles.  He did pretty well, financially.

Official:  What in THE hell is the matter with you, boy?!  I've never heard such filth in my life.

Jim: Toughen up, Helen Keller.

Official: Why did you just call me that?

Jim: Because you're a retarded pussy cunt who makes loud groaning noises while getting your anus crushed from behind.  Lighten the fuck up and just tell me when all these homos get to kiss the dick...and by THE dick I mean MY dick.

Official: I'm not sure if I know what you're talking about...kiss the dick.

Jim: Oh don't you fucking dare hold out on me.  That queer little tradition you butt stains have here after the winner crosses the finish line?  Kiss the dick.  Why the fuck do you think I agreed to do this to begin with?  I never pass on a chance to get the ol' thunder hammer some sex action.  Guy OR girl.  Not because I'm gay, but only because I have a top shelf imagination and can always picture a big tittied whore working my shaft.

Official: Are you referring to "Kiss The BRICK"?

Jim: I've never called my hog a brick before but I'm certainly not opposed to it...

Official: No, no, no.  Brick.  Like what houses are made of.  Like Yellow Brick Road.

Jim:

Official: Seriously??  BRICK!  Like brick and mortar?!  What someone yells when a basketball hits nothing but backboard?!

Jim:




Official: NO ONE IS GETTING ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR DICK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

Jim: Well that's rather disappointing to hear.  Well then let's get this fucking waste of time over with so I can go get Big James some much needed attention.  How are the hookers around here?  Fresh?

Official: Get in the God Damn car, drive the lap, and get the fuck out of here.  I never want to see you back here again.

Jim: With pleasure, shit stain.  This place smells like rat piss anyway...

Local: /turns to me.  Told you, man.  Gotta keep that stinky street cred.

At that point I moved back to my seat and sat down just in time to see John Harbaugh surprise Jim by running up and shoving Jim's head into his freshly shaven mangina for at least seven seconds.  There was an uncomfortably long embrace that followed while John's pants were still down.  I then proceeded to crush a thousand Milwaukee's Best with the locals until I passed out in the back of some stranger's mobile home.  I was able to escape before they invited me for breakfast that most certainly would have consisted of corn flakes and Jager.

There is nothing further to report from Indianapolis but as you can see...it was pretty eventful.  Don't forget to ask G$ about his improbable run to zombie victory lane this past Saturday.  It was pretty impressive to say the least.  He was the Daryl of the group.  Jordan was Rick.  I, sadly, was TOTES Dale as I barely made it into the second season mile before getting my guts torn out.  And Luke was T-Dawg.  Just when you thought he was gonna make it...zombie from behind ends his run.  Ide was an unknown character who's footage never made it past the cutting room floor.  Because he never showed.  Be sure you get his HILARIOUS excuse as to why he bitched out the morning of race day.  It's pretty choice.

Friday, May 24, 2013

It's A Three Day Weekend! WHO WANTS CAKE!

He was told that there would be cakes.
Hello there, three day weekend, good to see you again. You haven’t shown up for a while. I missed you. I assume that everyone is already fired up for Memorial Day festivities and have already checked out mentally for the day so I guess that I should do. I’m not one to rise above the mean.

But in case you haven’t checked Facebook yet today, you may not know that today is Cakes’ birthday. I don’t know how old he actually he is but mentally he just turned 8. Congrats, BRO, on living another day! How about we just waste today discussing only topics that Cakes would contribute toward!

*The WINDIANS! I’m still not buying into them. You can’t just keep outscoring the opposition. 4 of your 5 starters are average at best and your closer is a shitburger. Enjoy it while it lasts because you know what’s coming…crushing defeat.

*The Brown Stains! I don’t think that we’ve talked enough about how embarrassing your new owner is. This guy is a real shithead who most definitely should be serving time in prison for his white collar chicanery. Out of all of the horrible things that has happened to this fan base, having a criminal as owner is just the cherry on top of the Art Modell turd sundae. I hope that Goodell takes the team from him and then they sell it to Jay-Z or some other nincompoop.

*OHIO BUCKEYE FOOTBALL! I heard numerous rumors from multiple Wal-Mart Wolverines over the weekend that The Hokester is CRUSHING Urb’s pussy on the recruiting trail for next year. I can not confirm or deny these charges but since I don’t like the red and gray, I will confirm these allegations to be true. Hoke-a-mania is running wild on King Buttfucker!

*The weather! It is supposed to be really nice this weekend which is in stark contrast to last Memorial Day when it was a billion degrees. Funny story: Damman and I were scheduled to ump a tripleheader together over that weekend and he did the plate for the first game while I would be doing the dish for the other two. After game one, he was so dehydrated that I found him lying under a tree covered in his own Spaghetti-O’s puke or whatever he ate. He lived so it was hilarious. I’ll give him credit though, he came back to do the bases for game 3. I was not deterred because I am all that is man. FYI, we are working together for three on Monday morning. Fingers crossed that he makes it!

*Tinted eyewear! Never forget Coach Tress.

*Bestiality! I assume so. You know, I really don’t know Cakes all that well after all. I’m putting that on my resume.

Well, that will do it for All Cakes Day here at The Shot. We will be dark on Monday but Tuesday will pick up exactly where you all want it to…at the Indy 500! Just do a little digging about the event this year and you will be able to figure out what I’m talking about. Also I’m sure that there will be a lot of talk about Ice, Ide, and myself doing RUN FOR YOUR LIVES tomorrow (I’m sure that you’re thrilled that you won’t have to read about that anymore) as well as Drew’s trip to NOLA. Have a good weekend, stay safe, and try not to shit your pants, Drew.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

More Reminders That Weddings Are a Pain In The Ass

STRAIGHT.
Since the season is officially upon us (congrats again, LS and Dawg), I’ve still got weddings on the brain. While there will be plenty of time to discuss the festivities of our commenters’ gatherings at a later date, today we should spend some time discussing the forthcoming (or not coming) nuptials of some football players. We all had a rollicking good chortle at the expense of worst best man ever, Daniel, on Monday so I’ll throw him a bone and discuss one of his beloved Bills before I talk about my BFF.

Mario Williams is suicidal? – This is a tremendous story that just keeps getting better and better with every new leak to the media. So Mario bought his fiancĂ©e an engagement ring for almost 800K. Think about that for a minute…that is INSANE. No woman’s finger is worth that much unless you got away with rape in Colorado and want to avoid being murdered in your sleep (Vanessa Bryant is a nutjob). It didn’t work out between Williams and his future bride so they called it off. He wants the ring back. She ain’t having none of that. Now I think that they are suing each other. She is implying that Williams has had suicidal thoughts and wanted to swallow up all the pills. This pissed off the Bills pass rusher as you might imagine. Well, this is escalating rather quickly! EVERYONE is on edge after Buddy Nix drafted a horrible QB in the first round and then retired two weeks later probably out of embarrassment!

OK, the dude is allowed to get that ring back unless it was given on Greg “The Hammer” Valentine’s Day, her birthday, or Christmas (or you could be a stud like me and give it as a combo present on CHRISTmas/her birthday which are one day a part AKA the worst day to be born ever). It doesn’t sound like Mario proposed on either of these days so she should quit being a whore and give it back. While professional athletes aren’t prone to making sound business decisions, this actually seems like the correct call for Mario as he clearly realized that he didn’t want to marry an insane person. So I give him credit there for not going through with it. But this broad seemingly has no issue airing his dirty laundry (even if they are lies) and you just signed a 9 figure contract last year so I would suggest that he just drop this, let it go, chalk it up as a life lesson, and move on. That divorce in 8 months would have cost a lot more than the ring did, BRAH. Now stay away from the pills and actually get some sacks this season.

RG3 is tired of the haters – If there is one small problem that I have with my stud quarterback it is that he doesn’t have the thickest skin in the world. He tends to listen to all the critics instead of just ignoring them. It is as if he doesn’t understand that @waneyweb is just a harmless internet troll. In what should have barely been a story, Bobby and his future female wife (you know, because straight people) have a gift registry at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (Really? I was registered there and I’m a shithead. You are better than me. Start acting like it.) Millions of moron Skins fans (such as myself but I had nothing to do with this I swear), decided to buy up everything that they wanted and sent it to the happy interracial couple. He posted a picture of himself with all the boxes of wedding gifts and probably said something that black folk like to say such as “SO BLESSED” or something dumb.

And then the shitstorm commenced like a tornado in an Oklahoma elementary school with a bunch of his Twitter followers demanding that he give the gifts to charity or refuse them altogether. First of all, FUCK THAT. They registered for that stuff because they wanted it. It doesn’t matter who buys it for them. If anything, having it come from randoms is better because that means no Thank You card and those are THE WORST. Second, it’s not like RG3 actually asked complete strangers and star-fuckers to buy him a knife set or a box of ShamWows. Someone found it online and leaked it to Skins fans and they took care of the rest. People love you enough to buy you shit, you don’t insult them by giving it to some loser orphanage.

Finally, for God’s sake, don’t respond to your followers EVER. And if you do, don’t say fucktarded things like “just because I’m rich I can’t accept presents? SMH.” You come off like an ignorant and pompous douche-cake. When you are at the top of the humanity food chain like I am, haters are always gonna hate. It is what gets them through their miserable lives. Complaining about dumb stuff is the #1 tenet of the Tea Party (burn!) and most of social media. Don’t feel bad because people freaking love you and a few don’t. So please accept the Slap Chop that I bought you and your future bride and keep rehabbing that knee. We’ve got a Chip Kelly to murder in week one.

I found both of these stories to be interesting and fitting with the time so that’s why we went with them today. And I will conclude this post with a message that I normally just say to you which should definitely be taken as a FACT to millionaire athletes…NEVER GET MARRIED. Have we learned nothing from Tiger Woods?

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

America's Favorite Dweeb Does It Again

He even whispers in Comic Sans
Well, I certainly didn't anticipate writing about the NBA Draft Lottery today but here I am reveling in another dominating performance from Nick Gilbert.  Unbelievable.  Let's just rock out our classic bullet-point format to express my emotions of the Cavaliers getting the #1 pick for the second time in three years.

*They TOTES don't deserve this.  I'm a fan of teams getting rewarded with the top pick if they played hard all season and the Cavs most definitely did not.  They were unwatchable for the last third of the season.  The worst record was never a possibility so they were tanking for the third worst which is even more pathetic.

*Nick Gilbert GUARANSHEED that he wouldn't be back next year.  PLAYOFFS!  The sick kid promised!

*This isn't really a great year to have that pick but they said that two years ago and we ended up with a TRANSCENDENT player and a double/double machine.

*Some of the idiot commenters at WFNY were actually pissed that we won the #1 pick.  Never forget that Cleveland fans are tards.  We are guaranteed to get the one guy that we want.  There is never anything wrong with that.  But who?

*That's the massive question.  To me, there are only two choices and they are Nerlens Noel or Otto Porter Jr.  I don't think that you could go wrong with either player.  Porter does everything well except get to the rim and we have other guys who can do that.  He is a good defensive player, too, which I'm sure that ELITE coach Mike Brown Stains would covet.

*And then there is Noel.  Shit, how do you fairly judge him?  I mean, he was the CLEAR #1 pick before he got hurt and now he's done through at least the first month or two of the season with that disgusting knee injury.  He's an ELITE defender and rebounder but not the most polished scorer.  He can't be a great player at 209 pounds though.  That is a FACT.  He absolutely has to get 230 on that frame just to survive but any decent STREMPH coach can put that on a world class athlete.

*We also have picks #19, 32, and 33.  Don't forget that.  I am almost certain that we get another lottery pick to land another solid player.  Philly needs a ton of help.  You might be able to get their pick (11, I think) for that haul. 

*So what would I do if you made me pick today?  Damn.  It's a really tough call.  I suppose that I would bring Noel in and ask him how he feels about Derrick Rose and what he did this season.  If he says that he respects him then the pick is Porter.  If he calls Rose a bitch then Noel is my guy and he goes straight to the weight room and daily meals at Melt.  I really like both of those guys though.  I don't think that we can miss.  I trust that Chris Grant knows what he's doing.  Gun to my head...I'm taking Nerlens but that doesn't matter because this choice is way above my pay grade.

*In other news, the White Trash beat the Losedians.  Or at least they're up 4-1 at the time of me saving this.  Discuss that.  I know that Jeff is trying to pry Jut off of my team...Bryce Harper is mighty tempting

*Apparently, some teams are still playing in the NBA playoffs.  We're going to get Spurs/Heat so don't worry about watching too much of these games.  You should only be worried about mock drafts at this point.

Believe me that I wasn't planning on writing about this today.  But Nick Gilbert would just not be denied.  GO CAVS!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Get Your Debate Cups On.

 Fitting way to start this post.



Nothing quite like starting a blog at 11PM.  WOOOOO!  Get ready for some top flight journalism, fellas.  I feel like a college kid again cramming for a final 7 hours before it starts.  Maybe I'll get crushed on some Natural Light real quick to really authenticate this.  On second thought...I've already had diarrhea twice in the past 4 days.  So...

With the Knicks recent impressive meltdown against the Pacers, it got me thinking.  I know there were quite a few people negligently putting massive stock into the Knicks this year for completely unknown reasons.  Maybe they spent too much time watching Spike Lee joints.  Maybe they were born with a half a brain.  Maybe they're just meat head New York fucks who still think Tiki Barber is a top 5 running back.  But the rest of us knew God Damn well that the Knicks were massively OVERRATED.  And that thought birthed the following last minute post.  What "star athletes" are the most OVERRATED in their sport?

NBA

Carmelo Anthony - I can think of no better person to start with than Melo.  Widely considered a superstar since his first day in the NBA, Anthony has always never been worth the risk, in my opinion.  I know there are still some Piston fans butt hurt about not drafting Anthony over blond Dracula, AKA Darko Milicic...but I remain steadfast that it was the correct move.  Plus, if you look at Anthony's league history it's not like he would have been in Detroit for long.  On the way to work today I heard Brandon Tierney flapping his anus about the Knicks organization failing to get Melo help...and that's why they failed to live up to expectations this year.  Uhhhhh, FALSE.  Listen, I'm not saying that Amare Stoudemire, Ray-Tits Felton and Tyson Chandler are superstars.  But they certainly aren't Drew Gooden, Larry Hughes and Titties Gibson...guys LeBron fucking carried to the NBA finals in 2007.  Albeit in a fluky year when the East was especially terrible.

My point is this.  The problem isn't with the Knicks.  The problem is with Carmelo Anthony.  He isn't a team player and is one of the most selfish guys to ever play in the league.  He'll take a back seat to no one and demands the ball every time down the court.  It doesn't matter if he's triple teamed.  That fucking rock is getting hoisted from any spot on the floor when it gets sucked into the orange and blue #7 black hole.  True superstars make everyone around them better.  Best example...LeBron James in 2007 even though they had the easiest road in the history of the NBA.  I'll forever take jabs at that team because Tit Gibson deserves credit for nothing in life.  If Carmelo was even half the player LeBron James is then he should have no problem getting a team with All-Stars and Olympic Champions to the Eastern Conference Finals at minimum.  But he's a fucking ball hog with a shit attitude and probably enjoys the smell of other people's flatulence.  Carmelo Anthony is OVERRATED.

Derrick Rose - I used to think Rose was one of the best 5 point guards in the league.  Not any more.  First...for obvious reasons.  He's a quitter bitch and got paid this year to lie about his knee and fiddle around with everyone's dicks while he took a 12 month vacation.  I would almost applaud the hustle if he didn't turn into a throbbing cunt down the stretch when questioned about it.  If you take an extended vacation after doctors clear you...expect to answer questions EVERY DAY about it.  That's how shit works, brah.  Sorry, Derrick.  Didn't mean to cut into your golf time with Charles Barkley.  Or whoever you were playing hooky with on the golf course while you were "rehabbing" your knee.

Second, when your team plays as well as the Bulls did the entire year AND into the playoffs with the dumpster scraps they had, you start to question just how important Rose is to that team.  And the answer is not very.  Seriously, you put almost ANYONE besides NateRob at point guard (who was the 3rd string point guard, mind you!!!) and this team just might have made it a series against Miami.  I mean...it was almost a series and Chicago had shit on their roster.  Literally shit.  I'm not saying Chicago wins the series...mainly because Carlos Boozer is a 31 year old bridge troll with adult bacne and a mouth that could fit a bowling pin sideways...I'm just saying even Kirk Hinrich brings more to the table than NateRob.  Derrick Rose is OVERRATED.

NFL

Ben Roethlisberger - For years analysts have been shaft shining Big Ben's rape nub he calls a penis.  And for years I've been calling bullshit.  This past season we all had the PLEASURE of watching the Steelers miss the playoffs for the 2nd time in 4 years.  Finally, I feel like the curtain of fraudulence is being removed and what we all see is Raper lifting up his gut to wash his balls...and seeing him exposed for the OVERRATED quarterback he really is.  Trent Dilfer once showed us that all you need is a sweet defense to win Super Bowls when you are an incredibly average quarterback.  Now that Raper's once dominant defense is gray bushed and falling apart, the real average quarterback is starting to flash his man tits.

If you want further proof of Raper's OVERRATEDNESS, look no further than his playoff stats.  This limp turd has been fucking abysmal in the playoffs from the start of his tubby career.  For every luck ass game winning TD pass thrown to a pot head that Steeler fans love to point out, I can reference to 4 or 5 turnovers or plays where his defense bailed him out.  You cannot tell me that 20 TD passes to 17 INTs and 6 fumbles for career playoff stats are what we consider ELITE these days.  Now Raper lost the only thing he had that was even resembling a true #1 target.  I expect him to be even worse this year.  Ben Roethlisberger is OVERRATED.

Ndamukong Suh - After Suh's mildly productive rookie season, it seems he's making headlines these days not for his overly average play, but for his second nature ability to cheap shot on the field.  I'm not sure what's more belly clutching hilarious...Lions fans believing that Suh is one of the best defensive linemen in the game or Suh's attempts to explain how his totally obvious cheap shots weren't cheap shots.  "Uhhhh.  I wasn't trying....uhhh....to decapitate Jake Delhomme.  I....uhhh....was....uhhhh....noticed.....uhhhh.....that his helmet was on crooked.  Yeah.  Crooked.  And I didn't want him getting hurt.  That's it!  And I was just trying to do the good Samaritan thing and fix it for him.  He was just running too fast and if you know anything about physics, man!  Hahahahahahahaha! *sigh* Next question please."

The reality is this.  Teams have caught on to the only thing Suh knows how to do.  And that's get on all fours and bull rush the offensive lineman.  Because he's a dumb fucking ape.  Teams are getting smarter and Suh is getting dumber.  In the next few years the only time we'll read about Suh is in the police blotter for threatening another innocent citizen or on SportsCenter...for booting another quarterback in the sack nuggets.  Either way, Ndamukong Suh is OVERRATED.

MLB - Feel free to discuss who you like here since I won't even begin to pretend to know shit about baseball.  I would say Ryan Raburn but you probably have to be good at one point to be considered OVERRATED.

NHL - See above and replace Raburn with EVERYONE on the Blackhawks.  Drew is gonna foot stomp Prime's genital grapes today until he makes the most disgusting sack wine on the planet.

That's all for this incredibly UNDERRATED last minute blog idea.  Man...my full time job is really getting in the way of something I don't get paid to do.  My job should really learn to leave me more time for leisure activities while I'm on the clock.  Selfish bastards.  You all are OVERRATED.

Monday, May 20, 2013

It's Time To Angel-Proof The Game

WHERE'S MY CRACK AT, YO!!!
Well, I’m just going to write this post on Friday and hope that it remains somewhat relevant through the weekend (it will). I know that after crushing many brew-dogs with BRAHs on Saturday night and then driving back home yesterday, I’m not going to want to get out the old blogging binder on Sunday. I was thinking about live-blogging LS’s wedding reception but how many times do you want to read:

8:44 – Dut enters restroom followed closely by strange looking man who does not appear to be an invited guest.
8:45 – Mr. Ace enters restroom
8:52 – Random man exits with goofy smile on face and hair askew
8:53 – Here comes Dut licking his lips and counting a small wad of cash
8:54 – Mr. Ace exits with wide eyes and giant erect clitoris that you can see through his soy-based slacks

I don’t want to do that. So instead, you get this. You all know me as someone who will defend the job that umpires do. It isn’t easy. If you aren’t right 100% of the time, you’re never going to hear the end of it. But it’s getting to the point in MLB that things have to change. While 95% of these guys are really good at their jobs, the other 5% are ruining it for everyone. It’s sort of like that gun control argument we had here a few months ago. A few can and will spoil it for everyone. And they have. It’s time to expand instant replay already.

We all know that Angel Hernandez (who is somehow a crew chief this year) is shit. Fieldin Culbreth and his crew didn’t even know the rules in Houston last week which led to a suspension*. CB Bucknor is always considered to be one of the worst. John Hirschbeck purposely antagonized Bryce Harper so he could throw him out and teach him a lesson (what lesson…no one knows). Joe West is fucking ass. Enough is enough. Fuck your feelings and your extreme hatred of being “shown up”. It’s about getting EVERY call right. It’s actually time to get every call right.

*During a series in Houston between the Angels and Astros, Houston manager Bo Porter let his pitcher warm up in the 7th inning only to take him out before the first batter came to the plate in the inning. This is against the rules as it is a stall tactic and a MASSIVE waste of time for a sport that already wastes more of it than they should. The inning just ended—why isn’t your next relief pitcher ready? The umpires allowed it. Mike Scioscia got tossed over it. MLB apologized for the crew being fucking stupid and not knowing what the goddamn rules are that they are paid well to enforce.

Here is my proposal for enhancing instant replay while still keeping the same system in place now. First of all, you get an MLB official not affiliated with any team up in a booth at each stadium with access to all camera angles. He does nothing unless notified. Second, you allow each manager one challenge per game. These can not be used for balls and strikes. They can be used for safe/out, pulled foot, catch/no catch, appeals…whatever, just not on pitches. The manager comes out and challenges a call, the crew chief puts on a headset to talk to the man in the booth, and the man reviews the play. It would take MAYBE 2 minutes and would make everyone feel better. Plus, you know, THEY WOULD GET THE CALLS RIGHT without worrying about the umpire’s feelings which should not be considered anyway.

Like I said, most of these guys do a great job but it seems like the worst umpires also double up as the most arrogant. Jim Joyce had one of the greatest fuck-ups of all time but he owned it like a man and I think that most people respect him now because he was contrite and we are a forgiving society. But Angel misses an easy home run call and not a peep of remorse from him and there never will be. And that’s fucked up. In conclusion, it’s time that MLB does the right thing and uses all of this technology that we have access to and end the drama caused by subjective calls. Before I go, how about a quick personal umpiring story from me!

Well, my high school season is over and it is time for the much more lucrative summer baseball schedule to commence. My last games of the year were a varsity DH between a 6 win team and 1 win team. It was not good baseball. But it did provide a situation that I had never seen before. The one win team’s 8 hitter was batting in the second inning and he was not good. He missed the first two pitches by a combined six acres. Staring at an 0-2 count, the pitcher was in his wind-up when someone from the batter’s team yelled from the dugout, “YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!” I should mention that he yelled this AT HIS TEAMMATE THAT WAS BATTING. I started laughing before the pitch got to the plate as did the catcher. The kid swung and missed as expected. He did not look happy. It was hilarious. I have never seen anything like that ever.

OK then, if you have some thoughts on my replay proposal, the general state of umpiring, my story at the end, or Li’l Strut’s hopefully fun wedding then feel free to discuss while Ide holds off on his fire-breathing until noon-ish. YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!

Friday, May 17, 2013

What to Expect Once You've Said "I Do"

Li’l Strut’s happy ass is getting married tomorrow (to a diehard Notre Dame fan LOL!) so when he asks for a post topic, he damn well gets it. After all, this is the same guy who happened to be the giver of the first card that I opened up the day after my wedding when both families were sitting around watching. The first words that I read on it were “BIG BLACK DILDO” among other ELITE phrases. Someone asked who it was from and what it said. I replied that it was from LS and that it was wildly inappropriate. I didn’t mean that though. I loved it. Well done. Since you and your family are going to be getting me shit-house drunk tomorrow night, I will oblige your request for “The Best and Worst of Being Married”.

Once the honeymoon is over, the honeymoon is literally over. It’s just you and your bride/domestic partner from now until one of you dies or you get one of those cool divorces that many seem to love these days. Oh boy, “forever” is a really long fucking time. WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME/YOU ABOUT THAT! I was lied to! I am by no means an expert on marriage but I am learning how to navigate through its almost constantly depressing shittiness. There are good days and there are bad but one thing will never change…you’re in this for the long haul. So, as you requested, here is just a small sample list of the Best and Worst things about marriage (pay attention, LS, regular Strut, Iceman, Seal, and Jeff because your days of reckoning are coming).

BEST: You got yourself a teammate – This is underrated. It’s kind of nice to have someone who is always looking out for your best interests. You don’t want a teammate like Vince Carter though who only cares about making himself look good.

WORST: Who you think you married is not who you actually married – I’m not necessarily saying that this is a bad thing. She$ and I never lived together until a week before the wedding. Actually, she spent quite a few years living with Dut and the Sauls. I was always told that she was a great roommate and always cleaning up and whatever. NOT TRUE. As I still remind her today, her roommate qualities are vastly OVERRATED. I am a way superior roommate. If you start a load of laundry then you are not allowed to fall asleep and assume that your spouse will fold that shit for you! THIS HAPPENS EVERY WEEK.

BEST: Congrats on your new vent – Get ready to hear daily and endless stories about what happened to her at work that day. I don’t have concrete numbers to back this up, but you will not care about 99% of these stories. These are almost always shared at the dinner table so thankfully you can stuff your face as she blabs. Eat as fast as you can because once you are done, you can leave and you definitely need to leave. However, if there is ever a time where you actually have something to get off your chest, having a wife around to listen to you bitch is pretty good. She will always say something condescending once you calm down, but it’s still better than yelling at nothing.

WORST: You will lose remote control battles – This has been discussed before. Right now, you do not know that Bravo and Lifetime and E! exist as networks. But you will. Oh yes, you will. The key is to find a few shows that you both like/tolerate. I fucking loathe Parenthood but I put up with it just because it allows me to tell her how awful it is every week. Did you know that The Voice is on 10 days per week for 6 hours at a time? I DO!!!

BEST: Somehow life gets cheaper – Being able to combine incomes is a huge thing especially when you are a tight ass like me. I wouldn’t consider myself cheap, per se, because I have no problem buying things. I just don’t like to. The last time that I bought clothing that wasn’t umpire-related or a t-shirt was 1984. Plus, owning property is WAY smarter than renting unless you live in New York which you do not.

WORST: You are NEVER alone – Every once in a while, you just mentally need some time to yourself. You don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want anyone to talk to you. That will not happen anymore. I’ve learned that the easiest way to be left alone is to turn on something that she has no interest in watching so she goes upstairs to drool over Adam Levine or whoever. Things that always work are professional wrestling, hockey, and Star Wars movies. She knows that I do this on purpose. I don’t care. If it ain’t broke…

BEST: You will become less disgusting – Have you ever went an entire weekend without showering? Ever worn the same underwear for a full week because you are too lazy to do the laundry? Fart whenever you want to or not turn the fan on in the shitter? Those days are over! And to be honest, that isn’t a bad thing.

WORST: You know how sometimes your family is annoying? You just gained another one! – We’ve been over this a ton already. They may be great in-laws, but they’re still going to demand your time and space at times that aren’t convenient. Take this for example: I’m supposed to move my parents’ old deep freezer out of their garage which I need my FIL’s truck to do. It is too big for us but we are in talks of giving it to the in-laws in exchange for their half-sized deep freezer. I am already trying to do the math to see if it will fit in one of our cars (it won’t). That means that now they have another excuse to come visit us. For delivery of a free freezer, I now have to waste a weekend. Tell me how that makes sense. Plus, I can’t go to Iceman’s bachelor party at The Bay because of a weekend at the miserable lake.

BEST: You just hired a cleaning lady and a cook – I am a pretty clean guy anyway and an excellent chef but it is always good to share duties with someone else.

WORST: Ummmm, feminine hygiene products in your bathroom – A sad reality.

BEST: You don’t have to date anymore – I can’t even imagine doing that. It has to be so awful. Where do you even meet decent non-whores anymore? Should I get a profile at Christian Mingle or that one site for Farmers? WHY NOT BOTH!

WORST: Small things will annoy the shit out of you – She$ trolls every night. She never pushes in her chair after dinner but always yells at the dog to get down from trying to eat crumbs off the table. She will get a glass or dish out of a cupboard and then not shut the cabinet door. She often falls asleep on the couch at like 8 pm and then gets pissed at me when I tell her to go to bed. She doesn’t hang up my office shirts right as they are always facing the wrong way. She does this on purpose because she gets great joy out of me overreacting (underreacting in my opinion). Your wives will do the same thing and you will die on the inside.

BONUS WORST: You’re going to have to come to grips – We all love football. It is the greatest. Watching it on TV or experiencing it live is quality time that no wife could ever replicate. However, your days of College Gameday AND tailgating AND watching at bars AND dicking with your fantasy lineup AND a full day of RedZone AND the DFL chat AND Sunday Night football are over. You have to pick. Most sane people will give you one day to watch football and the other to do shit around the house or (ugh) run errands with her. You must choose and choose wisely. For me, I’ll get all of my wife crap done on Saturday so that I don’t have to move on Sunday. I regret nothing.

There you go, LS and others, I hope that that helps or at least gave you a chortle. Unless you married a total cunt, marriage isn’t very hard. The worst part is getting used to wearing a stupid ring (as I’ve said many times). Good luck tomorrow and while I am bailing on the actual wedding, I will be fully prepared to make Biggest Strut regret paying for an open bar. I’ll see many of you there. Don’t forget to pay me, Dut. Prepare to be ICED!!!

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Welcome To Project Money Shot

^^^Horse's Ass^^^
Yesterday ended up being a pretty shitty day at work which greatly cut into my appropriated bloggin’ time. That makes me sad and ripe for Stan’s criticism. Just kidding—he only berates awful internet journalists. It’s going to be a pretty simple post today that should have opinions a-flowin’. Strap on your capri pants, Dwyane Wade, because today we’re going to discuss clothes. More importantly, the best and worst uniforms in sports!

Now, I don’t want to go down the path of team logos because that is a post for another day. I just want to focus on the helmet/cap to the shorts/pants/jorts(?). Who looks the best and who looks the worst—it’s not hard. There isn’t a list today, but it will be easy to follow along. Time to hit the runway:

MLB Best: St. Louis Cardinals – I’m not really sure why but I think that they look sharp.
MLB Worst: Miami Marlins – Latin flare is for flamboyant assholes.

NFL Best: Oakland Raiders – It’s about time that they win something other than the supplemental draft rights to Terrelle Pryor! Normally, I would say that the Redskins have the best unis in football (because they do) but I’ll not be a homer. At least not today even though our yellow pants are drop dead gorgeous!
NFL Worst: Tennessee Titans – These are the worst uniforms in the history of everything. Pug fugly.

NBA Best: Boston Celtics – I don’t like them. You don’t like them. But, Goddammit, if those green jerseys and shorts aren’t the best then I don’t know what is.
NBA Worst: Oklahoma City Thunder – Teal is a shit color. Way to look like the Marlins of the hardwood. Those are awful…no wonder they’re going to get knocked out (or maybe have been already).

NHL Best: Chicago Blackhawks in the West and Toronto Maple Leafs in the East – The Hawks remind me of the Skins and that is nice while Toronto is just simple and looks good to me even if their grammar is shitty.
NHL Worst: Anaheim Ducks in the West and Washington Capitals in the East – The Ducks unis make zero sense and have the imagination and creativity of an AIDS patient (not sure what that means). I watched every game of the Caps/Rangers series and they deserved to lose for wearing those hideous red abortions.

College Best: Florida State – Maroon and gold with a spear and little tomahawk stickers…that is ELITE. Those are the best uniforms in all of sport/life.
College Worst: LSU – I’ve always hated them. The helmets look like they were designed on MS Paint by a 4 year old. You’re worse than Holgate, Les.

And of course, you can’t talk about ugly things without mentioning grubby Steelers fans. They wear their deformities, abnormalities, and visible stink lines as a badge of honor yet no one understands why.

Blackhawks, Redskins, and Noles? Hmmmmm I might be a pretty big racist (/does Atlanta Braves tomahawk chop for ten minutes). Someone pass the Firewater because I’ve got some littering to do! You have to admit that for a mail-in post, this isn’t a horrible topic. See you homos tomorrow. Your time as a free man is getting shorter and shorter, LS, just like your dinger.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Hokester is the GOAT

Fundamental football makes him dripping wet
Welcome back to The Money Shot, kiddies, which is also known as your home for analyzing the quotes of college football coaches! At least it is this week! You may have thought that we were through with that after Monday’s treasure trove but WE ARE NOT. If you have learned two things from this site over the years (in regards to the NFL’s little bro) they are:

1. Ohio Buckeye fans suck turds.
2. I hate Notre Dame almost as much.

Who is the man that can bring those two sides together to form one giant ball of hate and cookie dough? Who is the man that stirs the pot of chili like none other? Who is the man that brought old man trolling to the Big Ten? Who is the man with the 24 inch flabby pythons? WHO DA MAN?

It’s The Hokester, BRAH! The rotund Michigan Man(!) head coach was speaking to a group of loser alums this past weekend in Grand Rapids (I hope it was Ohio) and fired off this gem in between shots of melted oleo:

"We are fortunate to have unbelievable rivalry games at Michigan. The Notre Dame game, that rivalry, which they're chickening out of. They're still going to play Michigan State, they're going to play Purdue, but they don't want to play Michigan. I don't know how they made that decision."

BURN! Suck on that, golden showers! You just got HOKED! Or perhaps he just wanted a few more portions of chicken, I'm not sure.  What a titan in the shade throwing game Brady Hoke has turned out to be. It all started with his desire to make the Ohio/Michigan rivalry not a joke anymore. Now he has turned his sights on South Bend and their murderous program by calling them gashes. I love it. And he’s right. They have no problem carrying on a “rivalry” with the juggernauts from Purdue and Sparty but the one Big Ten team that they do back out on is the one that is the better of the three. That is chicken shit!

I don’t know how anyone can hate The Hokester. He’s just awesome. Everything that that guy does is a stitch. Let’s list off just a few of his amazing traits:
*comically high-pitched voice
*ELITE troll skills
*not Lloyd Carr
*buys sunglasses from a post-production auction off the set of Terminator
*does not wear a headset on the sidelines
*only buys husky pants
*Cakes was named after him
*looks like a really bad pro wrestler from the 1980’s
*wears short sleeves no matter what the temperature is
*GIVES NO FUCKS

I’ve always said that I only root for Michigan twice a year but I might have to re-think that position due to Hoke’s continued greatness. I hope that on 9/7 (LOL I have Miami/Kentucky tickets that day!), in perhaps the final game of the Irish/WalMart Wolverines rivalry, they win by a thousand after that terrible Bellomy kid throws 40 touchdown passes. The man truly is a national treasure. Fuck Brian Kelly! HAIL HOKE!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The NFL Unemployment Line


/fart noise



I know this is going to shock the fucking shorts off you but Stan the Mangina never emailed me a post idea like I requested last week.  I guess it's easier to be a cunt in the comment section about how much a post sucks than to actually come up with a useful idea.  Back to cranking your pole with handfuls of your own feces, StanGina.

We'll stick with the football theme today, shit birds.  With the NFL season nipping at our pubic hairs (about 3 months away) there are a handful of big name free agents yet to land a team.  Some can still play...some need to be dragged out to the woods to be shot.  Let's take today to explore the best options for the guys with juice left and where they will end up.

Michael Turner - I'm sure Turner has spent the majority of the off season hip checking kids slowing down the buffet line at CiCi's.  Never get between a chubber and a 24 foot pizza buffet line.  Even though Turner probably swims with a t-shirt on, he's still got some Bavarian cream left in the tank and can be a serviceable goal line back for some teams out there.

Where he lands:  Dallas.  Because Jerruh loves "names" and Dallas' backfield is pussy farts.

Ahmad Bradshaw - It's too bad Bradshaw's feet are made of wet paper and soiled kitty litter.  Because if this guy could ever hold up for a full season he would be a fucking stud.  But this is reality and the IR is warming up a spot for this black dude with a Muslim name.  He's best used in a time share and even then there's no guarantee he'll make it for 16.

Where he lands: Miami.  Because if your starting RB is named "Lamar" you need all the help you can get.

Chris Wells - Speaking of pussies.  The best part about Chris is how he's been a complete bitch his entire life.  He's the bully at school who appears super menacing until someone spills the beans that he still wets the bed if he drinks anything after 8PM.  And that he still wears footie pajamas to bed.  He's going to get another shot because he's still young and for whatever reason people still buy into his bullshit.

Where he lands: As a Tampax sales rep.  LOLZ.  But for real...maybe St. Louis.  They don't have much at RB since Steven Jackson was shown the door.

Brandon Lloyd - I'm honestly shocked Lloyd has generated almost zero buzz on the FA market.  He's the best available FA out there and is TOTES better than average.  If he can get almost 1,000 yards in New England where they spread it around like Drew does at a Red Wings themed gay bar, then you know he's got skill.  Lloyd doesn't quite have number 1 chops but I think he would be a top 5 number 2 and a steal at this point.

Where he lands:  NY Jets.  Because it's the only team interested.  But he should go to Washington to improve their ass receiving corps.

Titus Young - Just kidding.

Where he lands: Jail.  He's going to be in jail.  And he's horse pies.  Always has been.

Dwight Freeney - This is another guy I'm stunned hasn't signed yet.  I think Freeney is still one of the best at his position and just knows how to get to the QB.  Whatever team signs Freeney is going to be happy they did.  Dude's got a lot left.

Where he lands: Denver.  Because he misses the smell of Peyton Manning's crotch sweat.

Brian Urlacher - For some reason I love how the Bears just dragged Urlacher out to the curb with the rest of the trash.  Despite his hilarious Old Spice commercials, Big Bry always came off as a grade A cock sucker to me.  Prime disagrees, I'm sure.  The best was how he acted "insulted" by the Bears 1 year 2 million dollar offer.  Sorry, dick breath.  Thirty five year old linebackers with catcher's knees don't get to negotiate.  Even though he played hurt last year, Urlacher just looked like he was done.

Where he lands: Minnesota.  Because the Vikings love trolling the fuck out of the NFC Norf.

Charles Woodson - Woodson's problem has always been health.  The guy can still play at 36 and still broke Ace's cousin's neck in high school.  If Chuck does nothing but drink whole milk directly from a cow's teet all off season then maybe he has a chance to play a full season.  He's been forced into a safety roll these past few seasons because he's lost a step.  But he can still beat Cakes in the 40 by 2 full seconds and would be a nice veteran to have in situational downs who brings great leadership qualities.  But yes...he unfortunately is a swollen pussy.

Where he lands: I'm still saying New England even though the market has been bone dry for Chuck.  The Pats usually take a stab at guys like this.

That's all for me, gents.  Let's see if this post lives up to the LOFTY expectations The Biggest StanGina has for this Pulitzer winning free Internet blog run by guys with full time jobs.  Jobs that aren't journalism related.  Feel free to discuss players I didn't mention as there are a shit load of popular names floating on the FA market right now.  And as always...don't forget to LOLZ at will at Titus Young's 3rd arrest in one full week.  Nice life.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Football Coach Say What?

Hurry up, Zack, I've got a meeting with Gene Smiff in ten minutes.
I just realized that we haven't talked about college football for a while.  Why would we?  It's May.  But before we get into the crux of today's post, let's address the post from a few weeks ago where we discussed the Ohio football team getting 12-0 rings.  I do have follow-up info on these.  Apparently, they are gold-plated and not made of gold and are comprised of glass and not actual jewels.  The retail value is around 200 bones.  So to commemorate an undefeated season, the athletic department decided to buy the team and staff fancy garbage.  That's good to know.  Nothing defines "special season" like shards of glass!  So basically, I still have a huge problem with them getting and giving rings but it is lessened a bit once you realize that they were given turds from Gem Diamond.

While there isn't anything to talk about regarding actual on-field play, there is plenty to discuss when stupid coaches keep putting their feet in their mouths.  For example:

"My question is, 'When are we going to start giving a little bit of it to the performers?' Football and basketball players. It won't do any good probably, but I'm going to still keep yelling for them. They bring in an awful lot of money for all of us."--Steve Spurrier

OK, this debate pops up from time to time and the Ol' Ball Coach seems to be a champion of the cause.  It's probably because he sees himself making a ton of money for working 7 hours per week and is embarrassed by it.  NO.  They should not be paid.  They already are given an ELITE compensation package.  If you're going to pay some athletes, you need to pay the tennis team and all other athletes, too, and that will never happen.  So stop it because it isn't going to change.

“I think it’s great. I’m not complaining, and I hope we can get involved in it. ... But then they’re going to want to go to eight teams, and then, ‘Let’s go 64.’ And you can’t do that with major college football. So I just worry where it stops.”--Urban Meyer

Look, Urb does many things very well and has a career that most envy but he is just being stupid here.  It's never going to go to 64.  Quit being an idiot and, yes, you are complaining.  It's not even going to go to 16.  8 will be the limit simply because the NCAA isn't going to have bowl games go all the way through the end of January.  It's dumb.  Stop it.  You're better than this.  A playoff is great and will help your program (since your schedule will not).  In fact, you might be the biggest benefactor of the new playoff system!  Enjoy it.

"I would like your finest toilet water."--Les Miles

Some things never change.  Lester is the best.  For as great as The Hokester is, I kind of wish that Les was at Michigan.

“Personally, I think the conference thing is way overblown. How are you going to evaluate? Are you looking at the top two teams in the conference or are you going to take the conference as a whole? There’s four SEC-ACC games Saturday. Let’s see what happens. Who’s favored in the Clemson-South Carolina game? Who’s favored in the Florida-Florida State game? Wake-Vandy? I don’t know. But you see what I mean? Now, if we’re just talking about Alabama and LSU, that’s different.”--Bob Stoops on the perception of the SEC

WTF?  Where did this come from?  Why is the modern day John Cooper making empty accusations at the Kings of College Football?  It makes no sense.  The "top to bottom" argument is what losers use.  Who cares if your last place team is better than Kentucky?  I've been saying for a long time (correctly) that Bob Stoops is a pretty shitty coach who hardly ever wins games that matter and it is comments like these that prove me right.  Stoops is a loser.

So let's spend day one of Li'l Strut's wedding week talking about his favorite topic...college football!  I am intrigued to see if Ohio fans will actually say something bad about King Buttfucker because it would be TOTES justified to do so.  Probably not, though, because they are sheep.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Just Say No To The Three Hour Trumpet Solo

Big dump or huge rod?
I'm a 32-year-old internet journalist. I'm as white as you could possibly imagine. I grew up in the sticks. And I’m not a fan of The Dave Matthews Band.

I didn't set out to be the first blogger to not like the band that just about all white folk like. But since I am, I'm happy to start the conversation. I wish I wasn't the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying, "I'm different." If I had my way, someone else would have already done this. Nobody has, which is why I'm raising my hand. And since I’m always the smartest person in this classroom, the teacher will call on me and listen to every goddamn word that I have to say.

My journey of self-discovery and self-acknowledgement began in my hometown of Nap-tizzle and has taken me through two state high school championships, the NCAA Final Four and the Elite Eight, and nine playoffs in 12 NBA seasons. Or, you know, none of those things. This is about where the stuff that Jason Collins said and what I intend on saying today fail to line up. We’ve come to a fork in the blogging road. You can either follow Collins and who knows what you might see or you can follow me and stare at my luscious ass. It’s your choice but both are blatantly homo-erotic.

Why am I coming out now? It’s pretty simple actually. I’m tired of living a lie and acting like I care when I do not. I will no longer pretend to be something that I’m not. The days of trying to fit in over musical preferences are over. I was throwing stacks at the gym last Thursday and the radio was on. It was set to a classic rock station (which is fine). Out of nowhere, Motley Crue’s “Kickstart My Heart” came on and there are few greater songs out there that will motivate you to bench press a couple of Volkswagen’s like that one. I was the only one in the gym so I was OBVZ rocking out. The song ended and the next one up was fucking “Ants Marching”. I was pissed. The Brew* went from 11 to negative million just like that. First of all, why is that band on a classic rock station? Also, who follows up a bitchin’ tune with the ultimate pussy jam?

*The absolute greatest thing about 105.7 The Brew is their traffic updates?  Why?  Because every time they do them, they always come from the Vanity Gentleman's Club Traffic Center which is the best.
After working out, I got the lawn mower out which always leads to random deep thinking. By the way, don’t ever call it “cutting the grass”. You use a lawn mower, not scissors, you asshole. Also, SUVs are not “trucks” so don’t call them that. Where was I? Oh yes—so I’m deep in thought and still upset with the earlier song choice structure when it finally hit me: I just don’t like them. In fact, I’m not sure that I ever did. I’m a rocker, motherfucker, so call me Marty Jannetty.

When I was younger, I was into the band. Everyone else was so it seemed like the right thing to do. I didn’t go to the concerts or get body ink; but I bought a ton of CDs through high school and college. I acted like Live at Red Rocks was this generation’s Shaq Diesel (greatest album ever recorded). I probably told people that “Dave” was my favorite band. But it wasn’t. It never was. That was all a big lie. I’ve never given a fuck about Tim Reynolds (who I always want to call Tim “Little Hockey” Meadows) or his brass solos. If I wanted to watch a sax solo, I’d YouTube the clip of Slick Willie on Arsenio. If you write songs with more pointless lyrics than Linkin Park (very hard to do), 8 minutes of instrumentals aren’t going to make them better. I’ve tried to put a label on what exactly the sound is that Dave goes for and how to categorize it. Besides OVERRATED, I decided on “Bro Jam Band”. It’s a music style built for frats with many undesirable qualities of the dreaded hippie jam band. I am not the kind of guy who would be into a Bro Jam Band. Like I said, that’s not who I am.

So what happens next? Nothing really. I was just inspired by Tim Brando’s hero to finally come clean about something that was on the surface for a while but had not been explored yet. That fateful day at the gym changed that forever. I faked interest for the longest time but the Boston Marathon bombings have taught me to be myself (you’re pushing it, G$). Just because most of your bros are into something, doesn’t mean that I have to fall in line. I won’t. Life’s too short to listen to a 45 minute oboe solo followed by some pussy singing at an octave that is impossible to understand. That is not what I want.

No more pretending from G$. It’s that time of year when Summer concerts take place and I’m sure that The Dave Matthews Band are hitting the road. I’m sure that some of you may be going. Just know that I don’t care and I am not jealous and if you want to brag, expect this conversation:

You: Hey, BRAH, going to see DAVE next weekend!
Me: Really? When did Dave Mustaine leave Megadeth and how did he pull together a solo tour so quickly?
You: ???
Me: YOU TAKE A MORTAL MAN! AND PUT HIM IN CONTROL!

Boy, I feel a lot better. Get fucked, you dancing nancies, and start listening to the Big Tymers. Now I can get back to my real passion in life: trolling Ohio Buckeye fans while listening to all of my Tony Butt Ass Kiss albums (your new nickname). But NOT Red Headed Step Child. Never them. I’m G$, I’m not gay, I don’t like The Dave Matthews Band, and I approve this message.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

Point Guard/Counterpoint Guard

^^^spells like a queer^^^
Well, I was trying to secretly go all week without writing about sports but I’m going to break that promise that I never actually made to myself. Don’t worry, unless something cray happens today, we’re killing the week off with another non-sports effort. While most of you don’t like basketball talk, PLAYOFF basketball has to be OK, doesn’t it? I mean, no one wants to argue if the Cavs or Pistons are shittier (or do they?). So today, I want to talk about two players who we all know and probably have an opinion on.

MIKE CONLEY, JR – OK, I can admit when I’m wrong (unlike Drew) and I was fairly wrong about Conley. If I recall, way back in the day I wrote that he should definitely leave Ohio early (as I feel for most players) but I never thought that he would amount to much. It took him awhile, but he is finally blossoming into a borderline superstar in this postseason. If you can get past his weird-shaped head (and I can understand if you cannot), he plays a very fluid and beautiful game. It’s sort of like Tony Parker’s but 100% less French asshole. After Memphis dumped Rudy Gay near the deadline, someone had to step up and be a good second or third banana with Gasol and the always awesome Z-Bo. Conley has.

I spent most of my lunch break yesterday trying to rank point guards just to see where Conley fit. I have him ninth (just ahead of Jrue Holiday, Ty Lawson, and John Wall) and that’s not bad when you look at all of the stud PGs in the NBA (In no particular order: CP3, Rose, Rondo, D-Will, Westbrook, Parker, Curry, and I put Kyrie ahead of him). That’s some awesome company. There are a LOT of really good point guards in the league.  He wasn’t among those guys three weeks ago. He is now. I absolutely expect the Grizz to beat the Thunder (would almost consider it an upset if they don’t) and most definitely think that they can win the West. I never would have thought that the emergence of Mike Conley would have been the difference (or THE DIFF). Good for him and I mean that.

DERRICK ROSE – Disclaimer: I fully expect the Heat to handle them in game 2. That has nothing to do with hopefully the final time that I have to talk about Rose this season. Someone needs to be a grown up already and end this once and for all. We all know that he isn’t going to magically suit up. It would be grossly irresponsible for him to do that or for the team to allow that to happen. The guy hasn’t played in a year. He isn’t just going to all of a sudden start his season in the playoffs against the motherfucking champs. When he is “mentally ready/handicapped” to return, he’s going to be put on the floor for 40 minutes. If he can’t do that, then don’t dress him. AND LET EVERYONE KNOW THIS SO THEY WILL STOP CONSTANTLY ASKING ABOUT HIS AVAILABILITY.

Look, the Bulls are one of the best stories in sports right now (the Blue Jackets are still #1). They keep winning with the weirdest collection of weirdos this side of an NRA convention (count it). Joakim Noah went from unlikable shit weasel to unlikable shit weasel who you can at least respect because he balls so hard. They’ve got Tiny Nate and whatever a Jimmy Butler is (played all 48 minutes in game 1?!?!?!) and that foreign guy who makes threes and does the “HUGE BALLS” gesture. It’s incredible. But they are all being overshadowed by a guy who’s sitting because he doesn’t want to end up like Gilbert Arenas. And when you think about it that way, it makes all the sense in the world. Hibachi is the worst.  He probably goes by Cakes.  Shouldn’t more questions be asked about Luol Deng’s botched SPINAL TAP (!) or Kirk the Vampire’s pussy calf? Talk about the guys who are actually there. I don’t know, I just think that everyone in the Bulls organization is handling this poorly. The media focus is on the wrong person.  Even if he does dress for game 3 to fire up the fans or whatever, he might not get the reception that he wants.  From what I've read, the fans are fed up with the drama so, you know, end the goddamn drama already.

That being said, the Heat are still going to beat them. That is unfortunate but a FACT because I can think of no better Heat troll than Noah. Oh well, at least Chicago still has the Cubs' winning ways, Adam Dunn’s breathtaking swing, Stan Mikita’s Donuts, and Jay Catler. In conclusion, look at me complimenting a former Fuckeye! I haven’t done that since congratulating Korey Stringer for dying.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

Open Forum: Disgusting Food!

"I'll take ten"--Uncle T
Boy, yesterday escalated rather quickly, didn’t it? There is no better team-building exercise than when a new guy comes along and starts throwing tridents at Iceman. Unfortunately, he did not kill Senor Tuesday (only his spirit). After some soul-searching and a slight realization that Stan Marsh was a little bit right, I thought that it might be time to get the old knife and fork out again for one of our classic topics around here…FOOD. Or in today’s case, let’s put the knife and fork away because we’re listing the foods that make us violently ill as we find them repulsive. In essence, today is an anti-food post.

Anyone can talk about which pizza toppings are the best or who makes the most ELITE ribs, but are you willing to let it be known that your pussy body can’t handle gluten and thus you have to buy only weirdo products? Or that you have a peanut allergy LIKE A BITCH! That is what makes a man—to identify your shortcomings and allow people to rip on you for it. I’ll admit that I physically can’t eat avocados or jalapenos. The former makes me feel like I’m at Cedar Point for 8 hours (which is a really strange feeling) while the latter gives me instant explosive diarrhea. It is a cross that I bear. I like them both, but I just can’t ingest them for whatever reason. Before I list my Least Fave Five, I got a hold of Mr. Ace’s Least Fave Five. The results are expected:

5. Ribs
4. Pork Chops
3. Burgers
2. Steak
1. Bacon

He’s a real winner and quite the fancy boy but we already knew that. How about G$’s list?

5. Broccoli – Even gobs of gross cheese can’t mask the horrible flavor of this vegetable. I don’t think that I would mind just the leafy part of broccoli but the stalk kills me every time. FACT: every stalk portion of broccoli is an exact replica of Satan’s erect penis. If you think about it that way then everyone who enjoys eating broccoli has a fetish for Lucifer spunk. NOT ME! NOT EVER!
4. Scallops – I have never understood the fascination with these little tasteless hockey pucks from the ocean. They have no flavor. You could put a whole jar of spices on them and somehow it would still taste like bland nothing. I don’t get why scallops are a big staple in fine dining. They suck. I guarantee that assholes like Burke and Ide will tell me I’m wrong but I’m telling you that you are wrong first so I win. Scallops are shit and I say this as someone who will eat almost anything out of the ocean/lake (except for mussels and oysters which are also bunk and mung respectfully).
3. Mushrooms – How the hell did this become a food? It grows in the wild; often in shit. It is a fungus. When and why did we start putting these things on pizza and grilled meat? It makes no sense. They also don’t add anything other than gross texture to a dish unless you like the idea of eating a pizza covered in dead slugs. I do not. There is something that BIG FOOD isn’t telling you: mushrooms are dead slugs from my house.
2. Eggs – To clarify, I like omelets and I LOVE pad thai. The thought of just eating an egg separately makes me gag though. Scrambled, over easy, sunny side up, or deviled all make me retch. I’ve been over my hatred of eggs before though so I won’t go off again. I probably should say that the reason that I don’t mind an omelet is because it is filled with meat and cheese (and usually covered in salsa for me) and the eggs are pretty much just a tortilla shell made out of aborted animals. When it comes to chickens, I am Pro Life, you MURDERERS!!!
1. Green Beans – Can’t stand them. Can't win with 'em.  Can't coach with 'em.  I’m pretty sure that I’ve hated them since birth. My parents have a picture of me as a baby with green beans dumped on my head (if I had it, I would have posted it today) which, even as a stupid toddler, was a better idea to me than actually eating them. To their credit though, I was never forced to eat them. They knew that G$ vs. Green Beans was one of America’s most heated rivalries and they never pressed the sides into battle. My sister has always liked them though which meant that they would occasionally end up on the dinner table much to my dismay. She was always trolling her ELITE older BRAH. Whenever the wife makes pot pie, I always spend a solid ten minutes picking out all the green beans (which is a HUGE pain in the ass but she makes a good pot pie regardless) all the while yelling at She$ to buy green bean-less bags of mixed vegetables. She says that they don’t exist. I stab her with a fork and demand an apology. I H8 GREEN BEANS.

So there we go. Another food post in the books and another chance for Ide to tell people what they should and should not like. And any chance we can get to make fun of Mr. Ace and his Portland, Oregon eating habits, that’s even better. Boner Appetit!

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

I See An NFL/NBA Post in Your Future...

 "Predict this future, you psychic dick wart."



Before we do anything today, let me get this angry rant out of the way first.  I fucking hate so called "psychics".  I put that in parenthesis because psychic ability isn't real.  These are the most fraudulent bastards in the history of the world and belong in the same category as online sexual predators and whoever decided to make olives a mainstream food.

I happened to catch a bit of some fat whale of a woman's talk show the other morning on my way through the living room while preparing my journey to hell...AKA, work.  It's a piss pool of a show that (SHOCKING) Wheelz loves.  Maybe Ricki Lake...fuck, I don't know.  Something shitty.  Anyway...there was this dumb fucking whore on the show claiming to have psychic powers.  So they picked two "random" people in their late 50's from the crowd so this clam could display her BREATHTAKING psychic ability.  I put the word random in quotes because I'm certain they were hand selected by this stupid bitch.  The series of questions that followed were absolutely hilarious.  It was bullshit like, "You recently had a close family member inflicted with a serious disease, right?" and "I'm seeing that both of your grandparents are dead...is that right?"  HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!?!?!?!?!  Because you're in your fifties, retard.  It would almost be impossible for your grandparents to still be alive.  Unless they're Chinese.  Those fuckers always live to be a hundred and twenty five.

After the questions were over I found myself shouting obscenities at the TV.  I couldn't believe...well, I could believe actually...that these people could be so brain dead.  Mouths hanging open.  Fucking mesmerized by this fake whore's ability to ask general vague questions and tell them absolutely nothing about people that are dead while making them believe she's actually communicating with people beyond the grave.  Jesus Christ.  It was unreal!  Now I believe in a lot of fucking stupid shit...like zombies.  But come on, man!  Stop being such gullible twats, people.  Assholes like that shouldn't have steady work.  They should be begging for gruel every day in a soup kitchen.  Now that I got that off my chest...we'll do another football post.  And some basketball.

Adrian Peterson is giving me all the reasons in the world to dislike him heavily.  I get confidence.  I even get arrogance sometimes.  But let's keep our feet planted firmly in Realityville, shall we?  Peterson said he's setting the bar this year at 2,500 rushing yards.  He might as well have said he wants to have a kajillion bajillion rushing yards...because neither are happening.  It also needs to be mentioned that he wants to win multiple Super Bowls.  Well, I wonder what team he plans on getting traded to because Christian Ponder is not getting you there, chief.

I think everyone here needs to be reminded of how big of a pussy Derrick Rose is being.  Anyone at this point still defending him also has a hairy beaver of their own instead of a cock pole.  Conjure up any excuse you want for Rose.  Sorry, not buying it when you have a guy on your own team playing through one of the most painful injuries out there.  I know...because I've had plantar faciitis.  It hurts like a God damn motherfucker.  However you feel about Joakim Noah, you have to at least respect what he's been doing.  Rose is burning so many bridges right now and the way he's handling this isn't helping.  He's acting like a fucking child when people continue to ask him when he plans on returning.  And I don't want to hear this bullshit that he's probably tired of getting asked that question and that's why he's being salty balls when asked.  I have a quick solution, buddy...go lace up your fucking Addidas and get your crybaby ass on the court already.  Your team mates are fucking killing themselves for you while you sit back, collect a pay check and wait for your team to get prison fucked by Miami.  You're supposed to be the leader of this team, Rose.  Start acting like it for Christ sake.  I would be pissed the fuck off if that guy was my team mate.

I love how the reasons everyone passed on Geno Smiff in the first round are starting to slowly leak out.  The best one so far is this:

"Smith spent most of his time texting and tweeting on his cellphone during facility visits. "He's going to have a tough time in New York," predicted one NFC scout. "Right now, he's coming off as a spoiled, pampered brat." One club official confirmed to ESPN New York that "the cellphone episode was mentioned and discussed in its draft room while evaluating Smith."

And this one:

"I'm not sure he knows how to take instruction because he pretty much wouldn't listen or talk to our coaches," said one exec. "... You can't tell him anything right now. He's tuned out because he thinks he's got it all down."

New York is going to fucking eat this chump alive.  And it will be glorious.  I wish Smiff would have been a top 10 pick.  Jamarcus Russell is probably TOTES lonely at the top of Bust Mountain.  I seriously cannot wait to watch this total destruction happen.  Geno Smiff seems like a real cock sucker who deserves the worst.

Soooooo, can we start putting Lebron in Michael Jordan's category yet?  Four MVPs in ten years is pretty fucking impressive.  Speaking of NBA awards.  Marc Gasol won defensive player of the year??  How did that shit happen?  That guy is so sloppy and mushy looking I can't imagine him being such a force on defense.  Plus I didn't watch a lot of Grizzly basketball this year.  Can someone stick of for B-Cups Gasol here?  Was he really deserving of defensive player of the year?  Did David Stern accidentally think he was presenting a Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Champion trophy?

The Browns continue to destroy my face.  If you want a blue print on how to be a terrible franchise for the better part of 2 decades, well the Browns have kindly laid that out for everyone to copy.  Not only did I read that Jason Campbell and Brandon Weeden are in a "dead heat" for the starting job come game 1, but a guy Cleveland drafted (7th round so who really gives a shit other than the supreme LULZ factor) just got pinched for a DUI.  What makes this story so fucking choice is that while in college, this boob was nabbed not once, but TWICE for selling weed to an under cover cop.  It doesn't stop there, kids.  When pulled over this past Friday, he was trying to purposely sabotage his own breathalyzer test and had to retake it 10 times before finally blowing correctly.  And still blowing over the legal limit.  I guess when he swore he wouldn't let anyone down with this second chance at football, he was just trolling the fuck out of the universe.  Well played, Armonty Bryant.  Your career is officially over.  The Browns are seriously giving me every reason in the world to move to a different team.  I guess I'm just too fucking stupid to actually go through with it.

That's my time here, chili holes.  It's really hard to imagine a day when the Browns are actually good in football again, right?  So God damn depressing.  Maybe I can make an appearance on a turds talk show and ask some super talented psychic to give me the answer of exactly when they'll be good again.  Seriously...I can't put into words how fucking much I hate psychics.  Especially that Long Island Medium cunt.  I would seriously fucking stab her with a fork if she ever approached me in public.  You've been warned, bitch.