Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Never Too Early For Fantasy Football


"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED WITH A FANTASY FOOTBALL POST?!"



Now that G$ has retardedly informed us that the Washington Pigskins are the only team that knows how to draft and the NFL draft is officially over, let's discuss what everyone really cares about.  Which rookies will have the biggest fantasy football impact this year.  Since this draft wasn't loaded with a ton of sexy talent this year, a lot of these predictions are somewhat modest.  But fuck off...it was either this or the NBA.  Just be happy it's football.  We'll start with a guy that will certainly be on Grumpy's team this year.

Le'Veon Bell RB - Pittsburgh

The good news?  Rapeyberger lost his top OVERRATED target from last year so the Steelers will probably be relying heavily on the run this year.  Unless you really believe Antonio Brown is a legit number one.  And if you really think that you should rub poop on your tongue.  Steeler football has always been give it to your hogs on first and second down then let your QB rape his way out of trouble on 3rd and short.  They've abandoned that since Bettis retired to pursue his dream of becoming a disgusting fucking blob and Mendenhall took up terrorism full time.  The bad news is that this reeks of committee and Bell is one of three fat fucks that are essentially interchangeable backs.  And since Tomlin is now the black Shanahan of fantasy football, the chubber who sees the majority of those carries from week to week could be anyone.  Have fun picking the right one.

What to expect: 525 yards 3TDs
Where to draft: Don't.  Unless you're Grumpy.  Then 2nd round.

DeAndre Hopkins WR - Houston

If this guy plays WR the way he tosses his own shit around a hotel room then sign me up!  Again...a huge negative here is that the Texans ram Arian Foster up your dick hole for about 75% of the game.  And that's why it's annoying as fucking shit when playing against Foster in fantasy football.  But there is a slight positive to Houston's unnecessary dedication to the run.  With Andre Johnson still commanding double teams, that means whoever lines up opposite of him will most likely be seeing single coverage for the entire game.  That guy is Hopkins since Houston finally realized how LULZ it was to have a white guy named Kevin as your #2 threat.

What to expect: 800 yards 6 TDs
Where to draft: You could probably snag him in the 10th round and feel okay about it.

Eddie Lacy RB - Green Bay

**BOYFRIEND ALERT**  I think Lacy is the best fantasy prospect in this draft.  I was stunned when three (I think) other backs came off the board before Lacy fell directly into Ted Thompson's boner.  I understand there were some durability issues.  Remember they said the same about AP...NOT saying Lacy is AP before you guys start filleting me for that comment.  I'm not delusional.  I'm just saying that sometimes people are wrong.  All I see is a back that averaged 7 yards a carry while sharing the load in the best football conference in the country.  That has to translate to the pro level.  I expect Lacy to start from day one and produce after struggling the first couple of games.

What to expect: 1,100 total yards 6TDs
Where to draft: He won't be there past the 4th since I'm sure the fantasy websites will be lining up to take turns blowing him.  It just depends on how big your nuts are and if you have the sack to chance it.

Tavon Austin WR - St. Louis

I'm really torn on this one.  On one hand Sam Bradford sucks camel dick.  On the other hand Danny Amendola is white, slow and made of used pussy skin.  Bonus points: Austin is used to having a shit for brains QB that struggles completing simple passes.  I'm going to side with talent on this one and say that Austin is able to produce in his first year.  I guess this is less of a ringing endorsement of Austin and more of a "who the fuck else is going to do it" type situation.  Now that Stephen Jackson is gone they certainly aren't running the ball this year.  And if the Rams continue to be the Rams and always play from behind, then Navajo Sam is going to need someone to throw to.  Austin makes the most sense to reap those benefits.

What to expect: 900 yards 8 TDs
Where to draft: This production estimate is fucking GENEROUS.  Having said that I wouldn't want to repeatedly punch my own dick if I grabbed him somewhere in the 7th to 9th round.
 
Montee Ball RB - Denver

This is an interesting one, gents.  McGahee needs to be sent to the fucking glue factory.  And I think he will be sooner rather than later.  SHOCKING, he's only 31 but with yet another ACL tear he'll probably run more like he's 71.  Also keep in mind that the organization HATES Knowshon Moreno and made him a healthy scratch on more than one occasion last year.  It wasn't until they were fucking desperate that they made Moreno the lead back.  And he was about as impressive as an egg fart in a broken elevator.  The problem with Ball is the dude has some super serial mileage on his bones.  The way Wisconsin used Ball is the definition of abusive.  We'll have to see if he can hold up but there is definitely some intrigue here.

What to expect: 700 yards 4 TDs
Where to draft: Any time after the 10th round is probably reasonable.  At that point you're drafting backups anyway...or in Grumpy's case, 4th string Steeler running backs.  HASHTAG CHRIS RAINEY!!

Cordarelle Patterson WR - Minnesota 

Jennings is in and Harvin is out.  Patterson was brought in to fill a void currently occupied by Jerome Simpson and his blossoming drug business.  So the upside is that Patterson will see significant playing time.  Unfortunately once again we fall into the "stud running back who is focal point of offense while the WR core gets absolutely crippled by the shit dick play of a butt QB" scenario.  It won't take Jennings long to realize the error of his fleeing Green Bay ways and for Patterson to completely regret being drafted to a team that starts Christian Ponder.  Having said that...

What to expect: 400 yards 3TDs
Where to draft: Don't.  I've seen comparisons to Troy Williamson and Darius Heyward-Bey.  Sounds like a keeper.

Sleepers to keep an eye on:

Giovani Bernard RB - Bengals: He's a play maker...and the Lawfirm is not.
Robert Woods WR - It's just too bad Kevin LOLB is the QB in Buffalo.
Joseph Randle RB - Because every back on the Cowboys wears a dress.  And Jerruh Jones loves him.  And if you have brought a sparkle to Jerruh's eye you WILL get playing time.

There ya go.  Fantasy gold for everyone to enjoy.  I've already spent way too much time on this post and there really isn't a good way to end it.  Except for FUCK THE STEELERS.  That feels pretty right.

Monday, April 29, 2013

The ONLY NFL Draft Recap Worth Reading

Something about drugs...
Before we get started with the Draft fallout, sonofabitch, the ELITE CBJ just ran out of games and no one fucking helped them out at all.  Regardless, it was an amazing season and I'm bananas in love with the future going forward.  We'll get them next year.  Fuck off, Jeff Carter, you had two chances to get your old teammates (that you sandbagged) a much needed victory and you ate shit in both.  No one wants to watch the fucking Wild or Red Wings.  Those teams are garbage.  BOOOOOOOO!!!  The NHL better make it up to us by picking our name out for the #1 pick.  We have a 1% chance at that but after watching this team all season, I'll take those odds!

OK, so I managed to watch a shitload of the Draft as I am wont to do and now I'm able to fire up a winners and losers post today.  Read it carefully because this will likely be the only one on the internet.  First up, the biggest loser of the weekend was Jon Gruden's boy toy, Tyrann Mathieu!  Oh man, I hope that you were watching on Friday night because it was great.  The Honey Badger was sitting there like an idiot and then going to play some billiards and general bo-janglin'.  And then Bruce Arians and his stupid caddy hat called while everyone lied about him being a great fit with Arizona.  The actual great fit is Mathieu and Joe Arpaio's Tent City.  Yet it got even better when Trey Wingo interviewed him live.  MAJOR LULZ.  That was the best.  I don't know if Mathieu is a changed man but I am 100% certain that he can't read.  There has never been a dumber sounding man than The Honey Badger on Friday night.  It's these kind of things that completely justify why I watch as much of the Draft as I do.

LOSER - The Cleveland Browns!  I liked the Mingo pick but not much else made sense.  For a roster with massive holes all over it, Mike Lombardi's Fat Ass had no problem dumping picks this year for future picks.  That is such a stupid thing.  You need players NOW.  Are you telling me that there wasn't anyone in the 4th or 5th round that could make your team and be productive?  Fuck that.  DUMB.

WINNER - The Cincinnati Bengals!  Quietly, the Bingles have been drafting extremely well for years now.  Tyler Eifert was an awesome pick that will make Green and Gresham better.  They also got a Ray Rice-type back, a freak DE, and a starting safety.

WINNER - This Pittsburgh Steelers!  Jarvis Jones was a great pick that is going to be annoyingly solid forever.  I have no idea why they think that Le'Veon Bell is better than Eddie Lacy but this is the same organization that took Rashard Mendenpoop in the first round so maybe they just don't care about running backs.  Shamarko Thomas is a really good safety and that Markus Wheaton kid is already the second best receiver on the team.  Good work done by bad people.

LOSER - The Dallas Cowboys!  When they drafted a center in the first round with a third round grade on him, apparently Jason Garrett had his head in his hands while scouts were yelling at Jerry Jones' idiot son to not make that pick.  They did it anyway.  The rest of their picks were also horrible.  I've always rooted for Jerry Jones to die but now I think that I'd rather have him live forever because he is absolutely ruining that franchise.

WINNER - The San Diego Chargers!  They got three first round picks without making any trades (Fluker Te'o, and Keenan Allen).  Now they just have to get a QB.  I did not fail to see how they just lost a Polynesian LB due to body holes and replaced him with another who will one day eat bullets.  LOLS!

LOSER - The Philadelphia Eagles!  I don't know what they traded to go get old Bonerz Barkley but they were the one team that had to have Bonerz and that automatically makes them losers.  Sorry, Chip, I'm sure that Bonerz will be awesome in your up tempo offense.  LOL!  Their other picks were pretty good though.

LOSER - The Buffalo Bills!  No one else even comes close.  This was such a disaster.  Never hire a 75 year old man to be your GM. EJ Manuel is total shit.

WINNER - The New York Jets!  It was a really good draft for them.  The only potential franchise QB in this draft fell in their gunts.  They replaced Revis and now they might be able to cut El Shitbox.  Good weekend for the SHOW YOUR TITS!

WINNER - The Washington Redskins! - They are going to win next year as well just as a warning.  But I actually liked what they did.  CB David Amerson is a ball hawker, fast, and big.  Phillip Thomas and Bacarri Rambo could be the starting safeties next year (one of them definitely will start this Fall).  TE Jordan Reed has the raw skills to be a stud.  Plus, our first round pick was 1/3 of RG3.  Plus again, if my team drafts a guy with the last name RAMBO then they will be in my heart forever.  I also liked them taking Chris Poopson as a third down back.

LOSER - Denard Robinson!  The biggest moment of his life will always be remembered because of his ELITE brother's troll skills.  Hilarious. Have fun in Jacksonville, Shoelace.

WINNERS - The Entire NFC North!  I thought that all four teams drafted really well and got much better this weekend (although if I had to pick a loser, it would be the Bears who had some reaches).  The Vikings loaded up with three first round picks.  The Bears finally addressed the OL and decrepit LB corps without taking that chinaman from Notre Dame.  The Lions got a stud pass rusher, solid corners, and a mauler at guard.  The Packers might finally commit to the run with Lacy.  Well done, NORF!

WINNER - The St. Louis Rams!  Loved it.  They are my ultimate and supreme winners of the draft weekend.  Austin, Ogletree, McDonald, and Bailey are all SICK players. I'm still not sold on Sam Firewater being a great QB, but he has no excuses now.

LOSER - The Atlanta Falcons!  Not really, they re-did their secondary with Trufant and Alford so that was fine.  I was just handing out too many winner ribbons.

Another fine draft in the books.  I'm happy with what I saw.  What do you say?  Now if you don't mind, I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to find a RAMBO Redskins jersey smeared with gook/comrade/Brian Dennehy blood.  It will be my Holy Grail.

Friday, April 26, 2013

"Your Team Sucks At Drafting" Sound Board

The Talibaaaaaaaaaan...FUCK YEAH!
You losers probably never knew that Iceman's last name was actual Tsarnaev.  What would possess anyone to rear admiral an American flag.  I'll tell ya, this man needs to be deported.  That is the only solution.  Anyway, I'm going to just type a bunch of thoughts throughout the night.  This will have zero flow.  At least we can all count on an ELITE re-telling of Ide's LIVE NFL Draft experience.  Let's just bullet-point the fuck out of this.

*Nothing better than having Drunk Joe Namath start the draft off right!  That guy is a national treasure.

*Chris Berman is the worst.  His gin-soaked mind just can't keep up with this kind of event.  His attempts to ad-lib while waiting for Goodell to call the picks were so awkward and painful.  Was it possible for him to love Geno Smith more?

*Speaking of which, Jon Gruden is ass.  Why was he constantly talking about The Honey Badger?  Not even the Bills (LOL nice front office there) would take a guy who failed double digit drug tests and has not played in a year.  Listen, Chucky, leave the analysis to Mel.  You are drowning him out after EVERY pick.  You don't know anything about these guys.  Stop pretending.

*Thanks for not tipping picks though, ESPN, it's about time that you did something right.

*I'm not going to individually go through every team's picks today (better analysis from the chief expert comes on Monday) but just recognize how good my mock draft was.  My reasoning was sound.  Even when the names weren't right, the positions were.  BOW DOWN.

*Feel free to applaud or SMDH at your team's first round pick(s).  Just know that I was 100% right about the Browns and what they should do (and did).  I should TOTES be whatever Mike Lombardi is.  I have to be more qualified than that whale.

*JACKETS TIME!!!  We ain't quittin'!  Cam SICK!  BOB SAYS NYET!  God dammit, it sure does look like we're just going to run out of games but it would be super sweet if the Wild lost tonight so we had three teams fighting for the last two spots on Saturday night.  Look, whether we get in or not, we've done all that we could and it has been an awesome season.  I know that we will beat Assville tomorrow night...now we just need that help to finally come that we've been waiting two goddamn weeks for.  For hopefully not the final time this year: CARRY THE FLAG!

Alright, that will do it for today.  Plenty of talking points even before Ide chips in with his tales of (hopefully) how much he wanted to kill those losers who yelled WHAT every time that Goodell paused his speech.  That is a terrible trend that you started, Stone Cold.  Now the real winners of professional football start drafting this evening...SUPER BOWL! 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

G$'s Annual NFL Mock Draft

Kirk was a Tenor before Tim.
Yes, this gem of a picture comes courtesy of Kirk Cousins' earlier days in high school show choir.  I look forward to dealing him to the Browns/Bills/Jets next year for a first round pick and more.  I mean, now that we have Pat White, Cousins serves very little purpose.  Anyway, IT IS DRAFT DAY!!!  This is my favorite day of the sports year.  Anyone who knows me or has lived with me knows how much I love the NFL Draft.  You all are aware by now of my decades-plus long streak of yelling SUPER BOWL! as soon as the Redskins have made their (usually high) first round choice but that will be delayed until tomorrow unfortunately.  Whatever, I'm going to be just as glued to the TV tomorrow night as I am tonight.

This year's draft is OBVZ not very star-studded but there is a HUGE potential for major LULZ with the poopy quarterbacks that bad teams are going to over-draft.  As is also tradition here, how about I unleash my mock draft which, I believe, no one else on the internet is doing.  I base my picks on there being no trades and based on need.  It isn't rocket science.  I'm not going to break down every pick, but I will stop along the way to explain myself at points.  

1. Kansas City - Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M.  There is no more important position in football than the one protecting Alex Smith's blind side and tiny hands.
2. Jacksonville - Sharrif Floyd, DT, Florida
3. Oakland - Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri.  Al Davis may be dead but I still expect to cry laughing over who the Raiders take at 3.
4. Philadelphia - Eric Fisher, OT, Central Michigan.  Chip wants MACtion.
5. Detroit - Ziggy Ansah, DE, BYU.  It makes sense.  This guy doesn't have the biggest body of work to go off of but by all accounts, he is a freak pass rusher and the Lions lost Avril and Klan-denbosch.  They will address their terrible OT situation later.

6. Cleveland - Dion Jordan, DE/OLB, Oregon - DON'T DRAFT A CORNER HERE.  You don't need two shutdown cornerbacks (especially one with a sketchy injury history).  Look at the all of the good teams in the league...none of them have more than one.  Good teams build inside out, not outside in.  You just switched to a 3-4 so go get the best pass rusher left to go on the opposite side of Paul K-uger.  This isn't that hard.  Dude played for Chip Kelly so you know he's sick.
7. Arizona - Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma
8. Buffalo - Ryan Nassib, QB, Syracuse.  There is nothing more Bills than signing Kevin Kolb and then drafting someone in the first round worse than him.  Keep loading up on Syracuse guys though, I'm sure that it will work out well.
9. New York Jets - Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama
10. Tennessee - Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah

11. San Diego - Chance Warmack, OG, Alabama
12. Miami - DJ Hayden, CB, Houston.  This draft is setting a record for most guys drafted with heart issues.
13. New York Jets - Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame. McShay thinks that he could go 6 to the Browns...wow.  Drafting a TE in the top ten worked out so well for them the last time.
14. Carolina - Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia.  You know how Urban Meyer only recruits "the next Percy Harvin"?  Austin is the Harvin of this draft.  He'll be ELITE with Cam and Smiff.
15. New Orleans - Barkevious Mingo, DE/OLB, LSU

16. St. Louis - Kenny Vaccaro, S, Texas
17. Pittsburgh - Jarvis Jones, OLB, Georgia.  This is the best pick for the Trash and they always have the right people fall to them.  Jones immediately replaces James Harrison and they won't lose a beat.  I assume that Jones will lead the league in fines in no time.
18. Dallas - DJ Fluker, OT, Alabama
19. New York Giants - Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida State
20. Chicago - Zach Ertz, TE, Stanford.  The Bears signed some OL in free agency so they should concern themselves now with giving Catler another option that isn't bi-polar.  Ertz is a freaking animal. 

21. Cincinnati - Justin Pugh, OT, Syracuse. Got to replace Andre Smith's bosoms and Andrew Whitworth is getting old as shit.  Plus, I feel that Mike Brown prefers white guys.
22. St. Louis - Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, Tennessee.  This guy apparently has a terrible attitude but has Randy Moss skills.  I wouldn't be a good guy either if my college coach ate from the toilet.
23. Minnesota - Xavier Rhodes, CB, Florida State
24. Indianapolis - Jonathon Cooper, OG, North Carolina

25. Minnesota - Manti T'eo, LB, Notre Dame.  I can't wait to hear about all of the times in training camp where All Day fucking ruins him.
26. Green Bay - Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama.  They aren't going to be a legit Super Bowl threat if they can't run the ball.
27. Houston - Matt Elam, S, Florida
28. Denver - Kyle Long, OG, Oregon

29. New England - Keenan Allen, WR, California.  I was unable to get a scouting report from Prime on this guy.  But I do know that the Patriots have shitty wide receivers.
30. Atlanta - Sylvester Williams, DT, North Carolina
31. San Francisco - Datone Jones, DE, UCLA
32. Baltimore - Kevin Minter, LB, LSU

As you can see, it is not the sexiest of drafts.  A lot of quality beef but not a lot of good flash.  Speaking of which!!!
That's a pretty solid impression of "Buttfucking Frankenstein"
Oh wow.  I had no idea that "The Sugar Bowl That Never Happened" turned into an episode of Queer As Folk.  These two fit each other like a glove.

So there you go.  Don't burn yourself out because we will be talking draft tomorrow and Monday as well.  What do you want your team to do (besides trade back because everyone wants that)?  Who would be your best case first round pick?  Worst case?  Remember how my team got RG3 last year?  That was great.  Enjoy the Draft tonight and prepare for an ELITE recap of Ide's trip into the lion's den AKA Radio City Music Hall (I think)!  That should be humorous.  One more thing...BEAT DALLAS!  CARRY THE FLAG!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

The Gentleman's Final Curtain Call in Foggy London Town


My dude.



Last week I was forced to make the hardest decision I've yet to encounter.  Whether or not to put down my dog, Baxter.  After careful thought and considering all of our options, we decided it's for the best to put him to sleep.  That happens today, men.  Today I tip my cap and send my furry brother to canine heaven.  Blind, deaf, senile with diabetes/kidney disease is no way for a dog to live, in my opinion.  For those of you who are pet owners, you know where I'm coming from.  This little son of a bitch has been my right hand man for 8 years.

Despite all of the shit soup he would make in the bathroom while Wheelz and I were out enjoying dinner.  Despite the frantic meltdowns he would have during every 3AM thunderstorm or with every garbage truck that would drive by or if someone would cut a loud fart.  Despite the times he would dumpster dive in the kitchen after we went to bed.  Despite all of his imperfections he was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time in my life.  He pulled me through some of the worst and darkest moments of my life and it sounds really insane...but I'm not sure if I would have made it through if he weren't there with me.  It's crazy what kind of loyalty and commitment a dog brings to the table.  He never wavered.  He never left my side.  People could learn a lot from dogs.  My only hope is that he always knows I did everything I could to give him the best life a dog could ever have.  And I know this is on the verge of becoming incredibly gay and sappy but this is my post, dammit.  It's also my therapy.  And if I have to be sad then I'm bringing you all fuckers down with me.  So join me in grabbing a 40 of your gas station malt liquor of choice and celebrate the life of a damn fine dog by pouring some on the lawn.  You will be missed, friend.  We'll always be pals.

Now that I've depressed the shit out of everyone, let's get into the post!  Since I'm sure G$ will be blabbing about the draft tomorrow, let's take a break from sports and discuss something everyone here should love as red blooded Americans.  Movies.  Maybe we have done this post in the past...maybe not.  But we're doing it regardless since my brain is on auto pilot.  Ever since I quit chewing (3 years this past February) movies have lost a tiny bit of luster for me.  Nothing was better than tossing in a fat fucking lip cookie and spitting brown juice into a Gatorade bottle while being entertained for 2 hours.  Don't get me wrong...I still LOVE plopping my ass on the couch and killing brain cells with cinema but it's definitely not what it used to be when you subtract the Timberwolf Mint Long Cut from the equation...my cancer of choice.

So the other day, my brother Jordan and I were discussing movies and the topic of Mount Rushmore of actors came up.  I thought this would be a pretty solid post idea since all of our tastes here are different.  Ace probably submerges himself in black and white silent films from the 20's because he's a fag, Drew I'M SURE is a closet chick flick collector, Seal has nothing but UK highlight VHS tapes and I, of course, own every Dolph Lundgren movie to ever hit the shelves.  Because I'm a sucker for a blond flat top.  For my Mount Rushmore I have men only.  Because women actors are only good if they show their tits and most are too prude to do it.  And let's face it...men are just better.

1.  Leonardo DiCaprio - This should be a consensus pick on everyone's list.  Every last thing this dude touches turns into solid fucking gold.  Someone was even smart enough to put Leo in the Great Gatsby remake...which is a terrible movie from the 70's and an even more terrible book.  Relax...I was forced to read it in school.  Leo's presence in this movie alone is enough for me to be on board.  Leo is the reason that I finally watched Blood Diamond...2 years after it came out.  It just sat on my shelf collecting dust.  Taunting me.  Finally I said, "Well...DiCaprio has never steered my wrong in the past.  Fuck it."  I still get pissed when I think about how long it took me to watch that movie.  Never again will I make the same crucial error.

Best work:  The Departed

2.  Denzel Washington - Another consensus All American selection.  If you don't like Denzel Washington then you can GTFO.  Seriously.  I'm not kidding.  Get the fuck out of here right now.  If I ever overheard someone saying how Denzel was just "okay" or "nothing special" I would immediately belt them over the head with a sock full of quarters.  And yes...I do carry that with me at all times.  You never know when you're gonna have to Homie the Clown the shit out of some fucking punk.  Denzel's resume is nearly flawless.

Best work:  The Hurricane

3.  Tom Hanks - Here's where some lists could veer into a different direction.  Granted Hanks loses points for being half responsible for the creation of Colin Hanks...but he gains points for doing a damn fine impersonation of every half retarded Alabama football fan in Forrest Gump.  I thought I saw someone on here question the greatness of that film in the past.  If that's true, show yourself so I can bare knuckle box you to death.  Because that movie is fucking fantastic.  And Hanks' performance in Catch Me If You Can is so fucking choice.  Hanks AND Leo in that movie?  I creamed about 9 pairs of underwear while watching that beauty.

Best work: The Money Pit

4.  Christian Bale - Here's where the debate begins.  His performances in the Batman movies vaulted him into my top 4.  Because THAT'S how you do Batman.  Plus the fact that he's impossible to work with makes me like him even more.  I like my actors as tortured souls who can get set off with the tiniest of mishaps.  And Bale has more than a few screws loose.  Obviously.

Best work: American Psycho

There ya go, gents.  Hope I didn't depress the fuck out of you too much today.  Just know that getting all that out helped and that's part of the reason why we do this as G$ alluded to in an earlier post.  So as we warm up to the Browns drafting another guy that will set their franchise back 30 years, lets talk about the leading male actors who really get the dick blood pumping.  I'm sure Grumpy will say shit like Humphrey Bogart and Clark Gable.  Because he's fucking old.  Make sure you all follow Ide on Twitter for pictures of him sucking some Mexican's dick as the Jets draft another terrible QB tomorrow.  It'll be worth it.  Peace out, N-words.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Open Forum: As Seen On TV!

Hey Chief!
***Update - Iceman was busy watching the Red Wings be worse than the CBJ last night and asked that he do Wednesday instead.  I obliged because I have a horse cock.***

Don't lie.  We've all, at some point, got sucked into watching a cheesy infomercial late at night and thinking that that is the greatest product ever.  We have all sorts of frozen fruit bags in the freezer at the moment so I decided that I was going to start making smoothies this week.  The only problem with that idea was that I broke our blender a few months ago.  Apparently, my steroid and stem cell shakes were too awesome and dense.  So after telling the wife I was going to buy a new one before she left, she told me to get a Magic Bullet as she had heard good things.  For the first time ever, I took her advice and could not be happier.  The Bullet is the GOAT.  I'm making smoothies my ass off this week.  You always worry about whether what you see on TV actually translates to a good and usable product once you buy it...I can assure you that the Magic Bullet does.

So that's what today's topic will be (before we get to today's commenter pic): As Seen On TV products!

Slap Chop - What a fucking stupid product.  Who sits around bitching about the LEMPH of time that it takes to dice onions?  This thing is just itching to lop off your index finger.  DON'T BUY

Garden Weasel/Roto Tiller - This product looks cools as shit as you just stick the prongs into the ground, slightly twist your wrist, and BAM the earf is tilled like a champion.  There is no chance in hell that this works.  DON'T BUY

Mighty Putty - Are you fucking kidding me?  There's a really good chance that if you need to calk or grout something then you shouldn't be the one doing it or cutting corners with the materials needed to complete the task.  I know that when I installed my glory hole and it needed a seal to prevent rot around the edges, I didn't skimp on the materials.  DON'T BUY

Wax Vac - Ah yes, for the person who is too retarded to effectively use a Q-tip!  I know that you aren't supposed to jam those things in your ear canal but ear wax is so fucking gross that it is a must.  The risk is worth it.  I hope that you've seen this commercial that sometimes runs on ESPNEWS.  It is beyond LULZ.  How can you trust some shitty contraption to suck the wax out of your head?  DON'T BUY

Perfect Brownie - She$ got one of these from her mother two years ago at Christmas and it remains unopened in storage.  What a shitty thing.  Who are you to tell me how big of a brownie I can eat anyway?  Whatever, since my extended family has decided to start doing a white elephant for our December gathering of gluttony, this stupid thing will find a new home soon.  DON'T BUY

Oxi-Clean - I was all pumped about this stuff in college when I would get shithouse drunk, come home at 3 AM, and then watch Billy Mays do his thing while passing out.  When it was time for us to move out and clean the place up, there was only one solution that would do the trick...Oxi-Clean.  I bought the biggest tub of that stuff that I could find and went to work--certain that we would get our entire deposit back due to how clean we left the place.  Unfortunately, Billy Mays died a huge liar because that shit did NOTHING.  I'm pretty sure that it was half sand and the other half chalk.  It just made things worse.  DON'T BUY

ShamWow - We got a bunch of gift cards to Bed, Bath, and Beyond from getting married and this was the only product in the store that I truly wanted (besides a sweet cutlery set which is mandatory).  We got home and I immediately dumped a glass of water on the floor to test it out.  How disappointing it was to see it not absorb anything.  But that weird guy said that this is made in Germany so you KNOW it's good.  If anything, it was actually worse than a normal towel.  Having been defeated, I figured that I could use them to was the car or something but they left little orange strands of cloth all over the body of the car.  ShamWow SUCKS so hard.  DON'T BUY

Ron Popeil's Pasta Maker and Rotisserie Oven - I have always felt like Ron Popeil and RonCo were the gold standard of the infomercial.  I've never experienced the pasta maker but I am well versed in the art of "set it and forget it".  What a product.  My college buddy, The Assbag, brought the oven over to our place for the Super Bowl and made one of the finest pork loins I've ever had.  It was so damn good.  He brought over a deep fryer, too, and fried up anything he could find.  When combined with the 15 High Lifes, it was a delicious night.  BUY

So yeah, I pretty much only recommend the Magic Bullet and the Rotisserie Oven.  The rest of that stuff appears to be garbage but I would love personal stories from the rest of you.  There is no shame getting suckered into buying crap.
Jeans aren't skinny enough.
More like "Gun-py" but not "Gunt-py", amirite!  There is no way that he didn't shoot himself.  I bet he's like Harry Dunn at the end of Dumb and Dumber..."Harry, you're alive!  And you're a terrible shot!"  Take your shots at the resident broken hip today while I put the finishing touches on my mock draft for tomorrow Thursday.

Monday, April 22, 2013

This is OUR F*cking Website!

#MoneyShotStrong
I'm on vacation this week so effort here is not really a priority.  That's not true.  I've got the rest of the week covered for post ideas and a great idea to tack on to the end of these posts so it looks like just today will be a phone-in.  My wife-free, work-free vacation got off to a bananas start on Saturday when I ate an entire medium pizza, drank three Molsons, and then fell asleep on the couch at 10:45 (umping a DH at Ide's alma mater in low 40 temps takes a lot out of you).  My dog woke me up a half hour later with an attitude of "dude, what the fuck?".  He was 100% correct.  Does this guy know how to party or what!

DavIDEson High School can get so fucked.  They should burn that dump down.  Today's post is simple:

How's your MLB team looking to you after three weeks?

The Yankees are doing what I expected them to do...still win in spite of all the injuries.  Sure, Derek Jeter is out for much longer than we initially thought but 39 year old DJ is not 29 year old DJ.  As long as Eduardo Nunez doesn't kick the ball around all over the place (so far so good...knock on wood) then #2's presence won't be missed THAT much.  Vernon Wells' corpse and the corpse of Pronk are both on pace to hit 50 home runs.  Terrible.  Here are a few thoughts on a few of your teams that can get the ball rolling.

Braves - They should call Justin Upton "Guster" because he is a One Man Wrecking Machine.  That is an awful reference.  BJ Upton is still shitty.

Cubs - How is it possible for Carlos Marmol to be even worse than everyone expected?

Reds - You aren't getting paid to draw walks, Joey Votto.--This sentence could totally fit into a Peter King column.

White Sox - Bad.  Ace doesn't care.  He is still smoking meat cigars from 2005.  That was 8 years ago, breh.

Tigers - I might start getting a little nervous about Victor Martinez.  He looks horrible at the plate.  Well, at least he was before you went out west and I stopped looking at your box scores.

Indians - LOL starting pitching.  At least you have two fireballers ready to come up in Alex White and Drew Pomerantz.  Whoops.

Red Sox - Christ, they're going to ride the wave of post-bomb support to an AL East crown, aren't they?  Isn't Clay Buchholz due to sprain his anus soon?  By the way, how great was possibly drunk Neil Diamond stumbling onto the field Saturday to sing!

If I forgot your team, whatever, like I said I'm not putting a lot of effort into today.  Please accept this as my penance:
Pictured: possessed dog, fag, other dog
That's right!  Lounging Cakes!  Let's try to one-up each other with hilarious captions to this picture (there will be more of these this week)!  It's going to be hard to top Ide's Facebook taunt of "nice tinted glasses, Tressel".  So take some shots at Cakes today for actually posing for this picture and pissing off his dogs forever.  They deserve better than that.  That's it.  Stay tuned for Dragon Talk hosted by Ide later as well as tomorrow's update from Iceman on Wrigley Field architecture and upgrade blueprints.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Pray For Boston. Do Not Pray For David Boston.

Pictured: Me all next week with Seal's haircut
It’s been a pretty tough week to be an American after the tragedies in Boston, Waco, a Sacramento-area hospital room, and whoever agreed to be in a relationship with J-Rupe (congrats, Tonya…I guess?). But, for me at least, I’m beginning to see the sunshine after the storm. As you probably don’t know or care about, I usually take a week off in April to umpire every day and pray that there is no rain. It always intentionally falls on NFL Draft Week so obviously this is happening next week. Also, She$ notified me (after I had already planned this week off) that she was going to go down to Florida over the same time to visit her sister. No work AND no wife for a full week? YES! This is going to be great. It’s just me and the dog out in the yard chewing on dead animals. There are a few topics that I would like to discuss before I get started on my week of not wearing a shirt very much:

*The NFL schedule was released last night. The opening game is Ravens at Broncos which should be an ass-kicking because we all know that Peyton Manning is only competent during the regular season (and is not nearly as ELITE as his brother and Joe Flacco). Feel free to break down your team’s schedule in the comments. Anyone who has the Browns over 6 wins can get so fucked. I will probably pick the Redskins to go to the Super Bowl since I won’t be able to do it on Thursday night as is tradition. So sad. I do have a potential Skins game road trip planned though and we all want to know which city Seal and Company will be invading for his BRAHchelor party weekend. These next 6-7 days are sort of the beginning of the NFL season so enjoy it.

*I’ve probably mentioned this before but I REALLY hate beer snobs. Is there anything more annoying than some pompous ass discussing craft beer and why the beer that you’re drinking is so uncivilized? Look, I don’t mind spending 7 bucks every once in a while on a pint of Shitsniffer’s Caramel Crème Ale or whatever, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with drinking watered-down light beer either. The only people who should be judged for their beer choice are those who drink Natural Light or Beast. That is it. I’m glad that you have a sophisticated palate, Peter King, but any man who puts fruit in his beer is a male Britney Griner.

*Travis Hafner SICK! It’s going to very LOL-worthy when he stays healthy all year and pumps out 25+ homers. And if he doesn’t, who cares, only an idiot would pay him 8 figures per season.

*Finally, did you all see that little tribute that the Yankees did for Boston on Tuesday night. They put the team logos next to each other with “United We Stand” or something next to it and then played Sweet Caroline after the third inning as a show of solidarity. At the risk of coming off like a terrorist here, I HATED THAT. I’m not saying this because you expect me to take this point of view given what I’ve said about treatment of your enemies in the past. I seriously was pissed off about this. A moment of silence would have been more than enough. Yes, times are tough in the land of chowder and Tommy from Quincy right now. I get that. It’s not like I’m glad that that happened or wish that more people died or anything, but I can’t help but think that after 9/11 none of those pink hat wearing Massholes were rooting for the Yankees to beat Arizona or singing “New York, New York” at fucking Fenway. Two wrongs make a right when it comes to preserving a rivalry. Fuck that shit. COMPASSION IS WEAKNESS!!!

Wow. Now that I wrote that out, it sure does sound pretty terrible. It came off a lot better in my head. As a reminder, I am ANTI-TERRORISM. Whatever, the heart wants what it wants and it wants to not have Neil Diamond played in front of our 20K empty seats. Hey Ohio fans focused on conference pride, what I just did is what a rivalry is supposed to look like!!! Two bombs going off doesn’t change the fact that the Boston Red Sox, New England Patriots, Boston Celtics, and Boston Bruins can all eat shit. I RULE! See you on Monday…good times never seemed so good!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Finally It Ends...

Congratulations, everybody, you made it! We all got through the long and tedious NBA regular season unscathed. Oh sure, I’ll have the scars on my forearms forever from the Cavs turning me into a cutter, but we survived. Now that all of the losers have gone fishin’, we can finally get down to the business of…waiting to see who will likely get swept by the Heat in the Finals. Dammit.
I am writing this up before the big games out West have commenced and they are actually quite important to me. You see, the Cavs are allowed to swap first round picks with the Lakers if the make the playoffs (the Heat’s pick which is the last pick in the first round). If the Lakers lost last night and missed the playoffs, that lottery pick goes to Phoenix from the Nash trade. Should the Lakers get in (and I assume that they will because the NBA is crooked) then Cleveland can go from a likely top 5 pick and pick 30 to a likely top 5 pick and a pick somewhere in the mid-teens. That is big and, unfortunately, draft slotting is the only exciting thing about rooting for this team anymore. We need all the help that we can get to lure a certain someone back to Norf Beach (or at least Kevin Love who could re-create Pepsi Max scenes with Uncle Drew for all of eternity). Whatever. I’m sure that they’ll use that second first rounder on Tim Hardaway Jr AKA 2016 Croatian League sixth man of the year.

Anyway, with the conclusion of the season, it might be time to see how Iceman and I did in our prediction post from early November. There was always a ton of criticism lobbed at Ice for using his weekly forum to discuss pro basketball but he didn’t do that very much at all this year so you should all thank him. He is a man of the people who cleans a mean attic.  Today, though, we will take three steps before dunking.

OVERRATED teams – Iceman went 2 for 2 by calling out the Celtics and the Lakers. I went 0 for 2 with bad picks of the Bulls and Clippers.
Underrated teams – The 76ers are being overlooked, eh, you dumbass? You know nothing! I crushed it by correctly implying that the Hawks and Spurs were being undervalued.

Breakout Player – We both missed on this one for very different reasons. Hilariously, Iceman was expecting a big year from Zack Prime’s father. I put down Lou Williams but he blew out his knee in January so I’m giving myself a bit of a mulligan for that.
Bold Predictions – They weren’t very good but were definitely highlighted by my partner in internet claiming that the Celtics would miss the playoffs while I wildly stated that James Harden would be a massive failure. Whoops.

MVP – I picked LeBron. He didn’t. I win.
Rookie of the Year – Nice call on Lillard, Ice. You’ve done well for yourself at assessing the STREMPHs of young black men. It looks like I sort of hedged my bets by selecting Dion Waiters and Andre Drummond. Not bad picks, but both had uneven seasons while showing flashes of superstardom at points.

Worst team not named Bobcats – Ice picked Orlando. I picked Phoenix. Both are picking in the top 5. What can I say, we both know losers.
Sleeper Fantasy Player – I don’t know if Iceman’s buddy Goran Dragic was worth a shit this year or not. I do know that after a slow start, my boy Ersan Ilyasova, was a stat sheet stuffer as I predicted.
Playoff bound!
Playoff picks: I got 13 out of 16. He got 12. I am better. Nice call on Golden State; also a nice call with the Pistons and Wizards.
NBA Champion – well, at least we’re going to get the winner right
Ice: Heat over Clippers G$: Heat over Lakers

What do you expect from your Pistons/Cavs this season (with record)
Detroit: First, I expect them to be fucking watchable. It's been far too long since I've been able to enjoy a Pistons game that's still competitive deep into the 4th quarter. Second, I expect them to do something about Chaz Villanueva. And by something I mean anything besides issuing him a game day jersey. Cut him, trade him, slice him up into tiny pieces and mail his parts to different parts of the country. I don't fucking care as long as this Uncle Fester looking dick cheese doesn't see the floor. Finally, I expect playoffs. 43-39 should just about do it. (Actual number of wins – either 29 or 30)
Cleveland: I like the make-up and overhaul of the Cavs roster. Don’t get me wrong, they still aren’t close to competing in a much better Eastern conference this year, but they should be more competitive (barring injuries of course). Kyrie is a stud and he and Andy have a dynamite pick and roll game. I don’t think that they will play any defense whatsoever though. It would be nice if Andy could stay healthy all year and maybe draw huge interest at the trade deadline. I see the Cavs winning 33 or 34 games this year and planting themselves firmly in the lottery again. I’ll go with 33-49. (Actual number of wins – either 24 or 25)

God, our teams suck. Will they ever stop being a disappointment? Needless to say, we did OK. If you want to call us out on anything today, go for it. If you don’t want to talk about the NBA playoffs, I’m not going to stop you. If you want to talk about the NHL Western Conference playoff chase (WHO DOESN’T?), I will gladly jump in on that convo. You’ve been around here long enough. You know how it works.

The Lakers had better have fucking won last night or I’m going to be SO MAD BRO. Either way, when the playoffs end in 9 months, the last team standing will have actually earned a ring.  That will be a pleasant surprise.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

LOL! You've Got To Be Kidding

shake my damn head...
My RedHawk Football season ticket renewal form came in the mail on Monday which seemed fitting on a day in which a terrorist attack was carried out on our soil. Against my better judgment, I am re-upping for the third year in a row. Last year, they charged $55 total for 5 homes games. This year, we are up to $95 since they grossly inflate the demand for tickets when Cincinnati comes to Oxford for their easy victory. For that price, I better get to watch Tommy Tuberville sever the head of one of his assistants. There are again 5 home games on the slate although two of them are on Tuesday nights in November. They do offer a deal where they will send me two tickets to a conference road game of my choice for free (God bless MACtion!) as well as the first 200 accounts to renew getting freebies to the 9/7 game at Kentucky (FAH-Q SEAL!). Whatever. Basically, I just spent $95 on three home losses. That’s not a very good deal.

I am tricking myself into believing that my money is going directly into the Don’t Treadwell Buyout Fund though. That makes things a little more palatable. Anyway, now that that is out of the way (ugh, I just realized that that means three guaranteed meetings with shotgun aficionado, Grump, and that makes me a sad panda), I’m sort of in the mood to talk a little college football/stupidity/hypocrisy.

If you want to discuss the fact that Oregon will soon be in the crosshairs of the incompetent Mark Emmert and the rest of the NCAA (and they know it), fire away but I would rather go to the blogging gift that keeps on giving and will never be outplayed here…Ohio Buckeyes Football.

“The players won the Leaders division championship of the Big Ten, so they're going to get rings.”—Urban “King Buttfucker” Meyer

Sigh…oh boy. Come on. I know that you’re better than this. I’m not going to sit here and say that a 12-0 season should not be celebrated or memorialized. Far from it actually—that is a hell of an achievement no matter what NAIA schedule that you played. You renamed a street that did not need a change from Champions Lane already and probably had some sort of huge after-season gala filled with ass-less chaps and enough homosexual acts that would make the gerbil up Uncle T cringe.

But rings? Really? Act like you’ve been there before (or at least act like this is where you belong). This just seems so…I don’t know…”elementary school field day” to me. You won half of the Big Ten. Rings are meant for winners; not for “those that didn’t lose”. In this instance, there is a difference between the two (if you would like for me to explain this further because you don’t understand it, just say so and we will all laugh at you for being ignorant). The Nationals didn’t go out and buy NL East championship rings. Before you fire off a comment about how I’m overreacting, this is the internet (and I have deadlines to make), BRAH, the home of overreactions. And I’m not overstating anything…just that this is some pretty lame stuff. I honestly can’t imagine ANY OTHER BIG TIME PROGRAM doing this (LOL Terry Bowden at Auburn in 2003). Congrats on being this decade’s Terry Bowden, Urb.

Let’s also not forget (obvz) that the reason that these rings are meaningless is because former players traded rings for cash, tattoos, and heat at the Pryor home in PA. I mean, does no one else in the athletic department understand the concept of irony? If you’re hellbent on congratulatory jewelry for your players and staff, go with a crown or a scepter or something badass that no one has done before.

Here is my only actual problem with this outside of rolling my eyes toward the bush league absurdity: Who paid for these? With players, staff, and athletic department personnel, let’s assume that there are at least 200 of these “championship” rings floating about. They look sharp so we’ll put a price tag of a grand on each one. Who footed that 200K+ bill? I imagine that the school did (actually, yes, they would have to as you can’t have boosters doing something like this). But wait a minute!!! Gene Smiff just said a few months ago that football season ticket prices were going through the goddamn roof because Ohio’s athletic department was going to be near broke or something within the next handful of years! It seems to me that if you are on the verge of financial ruin (as we have been told) then why are you shopping at the jewelry store like Dez Bryant. I’ve read a few articles (including a stop at Ozone because I do research) to find out more details behind this but nothing really offers up anything of substance so I’ll just assume that Gene Smiff is lying to everyone again (speaking of which, I can see why he fired Jim Foster but why Mark Osiecki? That guy is a good coach which you kind of might need as you head into a conference in which you are the 5th best program out of 6). Smiff sucks.

In conclusion, congratulations on your participation ribbons. They’ll look good next to my 2nd place ribbon from the “Ball Throw” in 5th grade (goddamn Jerry Conn). Even when you’re undefeated, you still can’t stop being losers. All of a sudden I feel a little bit better about renewing my season tickets for a 2 or 3 win team. There…that should spark some significant comments today.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Chicago Style Tuesday





As you all know, I spent the last week in Chicago for work training.  It started off with a fucking bang when I checked into my hotel room only to discover it was a total disaster.  It literally looked like someone had just gone down to the pool and were on their way back in 2 seconds.  Then I was promptly moved to a room that had construction going on one floor above me.  Neat.  Other than that, Chicago is a pretty okay place but I would never want to fucking live there.  The main reason is the people drive like total fuck bags.  The speed limit on all of the highways I drove was 55MPH.  That was clearly just a suggestion as most people thought they were driving the fucking Brickyard at Indianapolis.  Even a brisk 65 wasn't fast enough for the dick rags behind me.  Every car was so far up my ass, if I opened my mouth you could see headlights.  After a week I was happy to be back even though the food is way more ELITE than just about any other place I've been.  But no matter what I'll always be grateful for the life lesson I took home from the Windy City courtesy of a billboard on my way to O'Hare.  If you pay for sex you're paying for someone else's misery.  Amen, Chicago.  Amen.  Let's get to it.
 
Now.  I've done a pristine job of showing everyone here that I enjoy baseball as much as I enjoy a husky man in a leather mask gingerly blowing cool air directly into my butthole as he clamps roach clips to my bare nipples.  But from time to time I will make exceptions if a story needs attention...or if we have readers that follow the baseball team in question.  I saw yesterday that a $500 million renovation for Wrigley Field has been approved with zero tax increase for the blubbery citizens of Chicago.

I understand Wrigley is 100 years old and needs work to keep it as a playable park.  But one thing I hate is when corporate fucks take over and bastardize things about sports that make it great.  I especially hate when pro teams have corporate names for their stadiums.  I know why organizations cave and let businesses spooge their logos all over every fucking thing...but it doesn't mean I have to like it.  I REALLY hated it when it happened to Cleveland Browns stadium.  It takes away from what that place represents, in my opinion.  As corny as it sounds, the Browns are a team of the people.  And nothing encompassed that ideal more than naming the stadium after the team that plays there 8 Sundays a year FOR the people.  When you start removing team/fan identity like that, you remove what made that place great to begin with.
 
Take this renovation, for instance.  Part of the renovation project is putting in a video screen about 3 times the size of the current one, putting sponsorship signs up that will block the view of people who are able to watch games from the roof of their apartment building and making the entire scoreboard digital.  I hate everything about this...and I don't care about baseball.  I'm curious to see how everyone else feels about it.  These are some of the things that made Wrigley an iconic stadium and an awesome place to watch a game despite the ass product on the field.  Someone doing the scoreboard by hand.  Being the lucky sonofabitch who can watch every Cubs home game for free because their roof happens to have an excellent view of the stadium.  The ivy on the wall.  The vintage scoreboard.  Just classic shit that separates the Cubs and their fans from the rest of the teams in baseball.  Now they're getting rid of most of it because they think the renovations will help make them more competitive with the rest of baseball.  I don't buy it.  It sounds like they're making Wrigley the scape goat for management blowing drafts and signing rotten players to awful contracts.  If you have hairy penises running your organization, you're going to suck no matter what your stadium looks like on the inside and out.  MAN, that was a lot of baseball talk.  Moving on.

What the fuck is going on with Derrick Rose?  Side note...big week for Prime!  Not only does he welcome Demarcus Cousins' child into this world, he gets a Tuesday post strictly about two teams he loves.  Talk about a winner!  Anyway.  Super serial...What fucking gives, man?  When a doctor clears your best player to play...YOU FUCKING PLAY HIM!  Am I wrong here?  Rose has been medically cleared to play for over two months now and has yet to see a second of action while Penguin Thibodeau just sits there trying to cram both thumbs up his own dick hole while barfing up convoluted statements to reporters.  Very Gregg Popovich of him...minus the face that resembles an 80 year old nut sack.  What makes this even more bizarre is the latest report out of Chicago suggesting Rose could miss the rest of the season...including the playoffs.  WUT?!
 
My theory is one of two.  First...Rose's knee injury was far more severe than Chicago was letting on or Rose had some unreported set backs.  Possible, but I'm pretty sure Penguin can get in trouble or fined for lying to reporters or falsifying injury reports.  And by pretty sure I mean sort of sure but too lazy to research it.  It's that type of journalism that really propels you to the top, gentlemen.  So theory 1 is really fucking unlikely...although possible.  Or second...Rose is a titanic puss muscle and is pulling a Ricky Bobby in his "attempt to" return this year.  He can't get over the mental hump and Michael Clarke Duncan is no longer alive to remove the knife from his leg.  So if the second theory is true (more likely) then as a head coach with a playoff team, you do the momma bird thing and heave that bitch out of the nest.  Right?  He tore his ACL almost a full fucking year ago.  A FULL YEAR FOR A 9 MONTH INJURY TOPS!   Wes Welker came back from an ACL tear in like 5 months and played a full season.  And he's a queer little dick sniffer with tiny pig nuts.  If Welker can do it then you're just being a fizzing gash by still faking hurt.  Get back in the game and earn your fucking paycheck.  How am I not a coach at the professional level?

There's a couple of hot topics for your scabs to talk about today.  Shit...we can even talk about the failed attempt to rid the world of Bill Simmons with this Boston Marathon bomb incident.  Too soon?  Little does everyone know the real cause of the explosion was Paul Pierce lighting up the skies with his napalm shit biscuits after all you can eat taco night at Casa Romero.  Further proof Paul Pierce is a terrorist.  And fat.

Monday, April 15, 2013

A Tradition Unlike Any Other

A real man would have a hard-on.
We're not going to waste too much time talking about a golf event where a career loser who looks like Heath Ledger if he forgot to kill himself defeated a guy that owns a burro and doesn't speak a lick of English.  I'm not even going to get into the controversy surrounding Tiger this weekend.  Haters think he should have been kicked out.  Fan boys think he was screwed.  I just summed it up perfectly.  I do want to discuss the aftermath of the tournament and, well, let's just get to the action after the cameras stopped rolling...

Jim Nantz: Hello friends, we have finished whatever it is that we do inside Butler Cabin and are back on the 18th green ready to present the green jacket to our Masters Champion.  What a tournament!  Without further ado, your 2013 champion--

HONK!  HONK-HONK-HOOOOOOOOOONK!!!

Stereotypical Southern Woman: OH MAH LAWDY, THERE IS AN 18 WHEELER HAULING UP THE FAIRWAY RIGHT AT US, YA'LL!

Truck Driver screaming out the window: Get off the fucking green!  We're trying to play here!

(crowd disperses as the semi truck is parked on the green after doing donuts)

Nantz: What is going on here?  What is the meaning of this?  How dare you disrespect the legacy of Amen Corner with your automobile treachery!

Passenger:  Nantz?  Is that you?  I haven't seen you since...(has flashback To Super Bowl)...I'LL KILL YOU!

Nantz: Jim Harbaugh?

(Jimmy gets out of the truck, spears Nantz into the ground, and pummels his face with fists of murderous fury)

John: That's enough, BRAH, help him up and then punch him in the nuts.  I need him alive to keep handing me Super Bowl trophies.

Jim: If he disrespects me like that again, I'm going to shove his head up my ass.

Nantz (spitting out a few teeth): No need for that, gentlemen, may I ask what you're doing here?

John: Well, we heard that this tournament was a big deal and champions such as myself like to congratulate and size up the cocks of other champions.  Looking at this guy here, I know that I am way more of a man.  Australian Rules Football is not REAL FOOTBALL!

Jim: Holy Gook Balls, who invited this little zipperhead!

Nantz: Jim, that would be 14 year old Chinese golfing sensation, Tianling Guan, who ended up as the best amateur in the field this week although he isn't expected to finish his round until August.

Jim: DONG, WHERE IS MY AUTOMOBILE?

John: Amateur?  He'll be a pro after I sell him to Rob Ryan.  He's a real ace when it comes to putting teenage Asians to work.

Jim: Where is his rickshaw?  I'm going to have him walk me back to San Francisco.  I assume that he accepts fried rice as currency.

Nantz: Brothers, let's keep it civil.

John: You telling a BRAH how to behave, Jimmer?  Do you want to take a ride in the back of that beautiful big rig?  I'll answer that - you do not.  So pipe down and let us say what we need to say.

Jim: Yeah, my faggot dad called me up on Friday night crying about some colored boy getting the bum's rush from some stupid cum chugger at this fairy golf event.

John: Now we're usually not ones to stick up for black people who don't love Jesus or get away with murder, but we both respect a cooze hound and dad was really upset so we loaded up the truck and came in to right the wrong that we don't know anything about.

Rick Reilly: These ruffians are ruining the champion's coronation!  Someone do something!

(John sprints over to Reilly and buries a putter in his skull; killing Reilly immediately while everyone erupts with glee and cheer)

John: Does anyone else have a problem?  Anyway, we decided to play 4 rounds at this shit track over the last 24 hours and we must contest this paper champion.  He's a loser just like Bill Belichick.

Jim: Look at the scorecard, Stretch, you faggot.  I shot a 72.  I am the winner.  I WIN.

Nantz: Even par is a tremendous score here at Augusta, Jim, but that is not enough to win the coveted green jacket.

John: No, no, no, pimento cheese dick.  He shot a 72 total.  4 rounds, 72 holes in one.  It was the closest thing to perfection that I've seen since Joe Flacco throwing a deep ball in Denver.

Jim: The secret is to play the entire round with your dick out.  We both did.  We still are.  Actually, my BRAH also had 72 holes in one but he had to take a 10 stroke penalty for not jerking off in Rae's Creek like I did.  So give me the title or whatever because I am the best.

Nantz: That is not how this works.

John: Yes it does.  I win the Super Bowl and my Bro-ner gets to win whatever he wants.  He picked this.  So give him the fucking jacket or we will kill everyone here.  And don't try to call our bluff.  There is a morgue in northwest Ohio still overflowing with Chi Chi's employees that will corroborate this fact.

(John kneels behind Adam Scott as Jim pushes Scott over.  The BRAHs bump dicks to celebrate)

Nantz: OK, OK, we don't want any trouble.  2012 Champion, Bubba Watson, please present Jim Harbaugh with the green jacket and then maybe they will leave without inflicting further damage.

Jim: Hey!  It's the pussy who cries all the time about his garbage baby!  Nice hair, limp wrist!

John: If you want to keep crying about a kid that no one wants, I can take you to the dumpster behind that Waffle House down the road where the waitress with two lazy eyes and I just had to eliminate a potential problem.  She let me put it anywhere though.  She couldn't resist my charm.  Now put that coat on my BRAH, BRAH!

(Bubba shrugs his shoulders and does what he's been told as he is not in the mood to go dumpster diving for fetuses today or any day)

Jim: Eh, this just doesn't feel right.  I don't feel like a champion yet.  I feel like one of those guys who enjoys getting his shit stuffed.

(John rips the sleeves off of the green jacket)

Jim: THAT IS MORE LIKE IT, N******!  Let's go get that orgy started inside BRAHtler Cabin.

Nantz: Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you your 2013 Masters Champion...JIM HARBAUGH?

(crowd is cheering simply out of fear)

John: Bro, shouldn't we have been arrested by now?  Isn't that how these things always end?

Jim: I got this.  After all, this is my day and there is no doubt that I made dad proud.  THE CONFEDERATE ARMY ARE THE CLEVELAND BROWNS OF AMERICAN HISTORY!

(the patrons swarm on the Bros BRAH while SWAT pepper sprays the 18th green)

John: This was the best BRAHsters yet!

I have no idea why CBS did not televise this part of the tournament but it seems like a huge lapse in judgment.  I hope that someone got fired over this.  It's the BRAH's world and it always will be.  Before we go, how about a big congrats to Prime on the birth of his son yesterday, Running Zack Morris Cousins!  Well done, pops. Your son's first blog entry is a BRAH post.  That's huge.  Please read this to him today.  It's what Jim and John and G$ would want/demand.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Blogger's Block Is A Serious Disease

Do not have them.
I've got nothing.  I have been scouring my normally terrific mind as well as numerous web sites for hours and I still can't come up with any sort of topic today.  I'm not going to break down round 1 of The Masters although I can't wait for Sergio Garcia to meltdown and piss his pants.  It's too early to talk about the NFL Draft and too late to talk about college basketball.  I don't particularly care about the final week of the NBA season since we all know that the NBA will never allow Utah to get in over the Lakers.

I'm sure that some of us could talk about the Yankees/Indians series (that we dominated just as much as the rain did) but that is dull.  Or we could perhaps discuss how the hell Columbus, Ohio was deemed the most intelligent city in 'merica.  Needless to say, my back is sore from carrying all of you dumbasses.

Since I'm a real shit, it's time that I punish myself.  That is why I'm opening the floor to everyone to discuss tomorrow's Spring Games.  You know that I hate this so it should illustrate nicely how desperate I am.  Both WE ON and Ohio are doing theirs tomorrow so I'm sure that most of you would love to banter back and forth about what you are looking forward to.  I won't contribute but that's my fault for not being good at this.  The Ohio Buckeyes are taking their caravan of assholes down to Cincinnati as I assume that The Shoe is having human feces smeared all over it or something (which would be a huge improvement).  Whatever.

You want to know something funny?  Miami isn't doing a Spring Game this year and instead doing a "spring scrimmage" because "we don't have the numbers".  I don't even know what this means.  You have 85 scholarships!  How do you not have enough bodies to play an intrasquad game?  Don't Treadwell is the worst head football coach that I've ever seen.  He is a fucking joke.  Apparently, we are going from a spread offense that didn't work to a zone-read offense with a QB that isn't fast and personnel that has provided one of the worst rushing attacks in the country over the past 3 years.  THIS MAKES ZERO SENSE.

If you want to know why I so adamantly root against your teams, just read that paragraph again.  I don't really have a reason to root for mine.  I'll make up for this on Monday.  I promise.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Open Forum: All Hail Soda Popinski!

Trunk full of Faygo, car full of fat chicks...
You might be wondering how and why I’m starting a post off with a picture of the Insane Clown Posse. I get that. It doesn’t really seem to fit and I’m not coming out as a juggalo (even though I have been listening to Hocus Pocus—a great “song”—a lot recently). Well, Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J (I know their names! COUNT IT!) openly embrace the greatness of Detroit-based ghetto soda, Faygo, and today we will also be talking about pop! We are calling it pop, too. Dammit, it’s pop here and you will deal with it.

Pop is delicious even though it is quite bad for you. We all know. No one needs to get all high and mighty in the comments about how they are too health conscious to drink the stuff. Stop thinking that you’re better than everyone else because you avoid the carbonated sugar and syrup water. Obviously, getting this sweet elixir out of the fountain is the best way to enjoy it. It’s more sugary that way. While I mostly stick with diet pop and/or the zero to ten calorie stuff these days, the majority of the discussion should be about the leaded and better versions of pop. I’m just going to break this stuff down into flavor categories and that begins now:

COLA – Coke is the king. It is the best. COKE IS IT as they sometimes say.  Anyone that prefers Pepsi over Coke should be ashamed of themselves. Coke burps better and mixes with booze MUCH better. I’m also fond of RC Cola because if you throw Royal in the name of anything, it automatically makes me feel more important.

CITRUS – Now we have reached the portion of our post when we congratulate Mountain Dew for being equal parts delicious and white trash. While it tastes great, you still can’t forget that Honey Boo Boo (and her dad Jut) drinks this stuff all the time. As long as you are self-aware that you are being a rube when you Do the Dew, then you’re OK in my book. Mello Yello is not nearly as good and far more hay-seedy because they don’t even bother to spell the name correctly. I’ve been buying Faygo Moon Mist recently whenever I’m at a gas station and I love it. 24 ounces of that stuff for 99 cents? YES!  I can't stress this enough: go buy a Moon Mist today.

LEMON LIME (or “Limon” if you prefer) – I still think that Sprite is the best although Sierra Mist is delightful as well. Do they still make Slice? Why do they call these lemon lime pops when they don’t taste like either? Makes no sense

CAN’T BE DESCRIBED – I enjoyed those commercials a few years ago where people were asked to describe Dr. Pepper. You can’t other than by saying that it rules. Mr. Pibb though…yeesh, that stuff is liquefied pubic hair.

DIET – Diet Dew and Diet Dr. Pepper are the best. Diet Coke is the worst since it tastes nothing like the original. Prime is one of those guys who likes Jack and Diets. You know, for a guy who is about to be a dad, Prime sure is a homosexual. Real Coke or GTFO. If you’re worried about maintaining your figure, woman, than don’t drink alcohol. You know what, Diet Coke is not the worst because Diet Rite is. It tastes like Tab (also horrible) missed with rectal juice.

FRUIT? – I’ll drink cherry anything (especially cherry Coke). Wild Cherry Pepsi is OK, I suppose. I’m not black but I do love me a good orange pop. Sunkist is better than Fanta by a small margin but both are infinitely more tasty than Orange Slice (again, does that even exist anymore?). I don’t care for grape pop or red pop. I enjoy a Squirt every once in a while while Fresca mixes very well with whiskey if you’re in a pinch. I will also buy a bottle of whatever new flavor and color that Mountain Dew comes out with (even that weird white, milky shit). Code Red is terrible. Livewire is the best thing ever created.

ROOT – I am in the mood for root beer about once a year but NEVER will touch cream soda because it is butt. A&W is ELITE. They are way better than Mug and Barq’s. BARQ’S HAS BITE!

GINGER ALE – I’ll have to check with Ide, but I think that this might be another preferred drink of the darker persuasion. Either way, I enjoy it. Canada Dry rules. Vernors can eat shit.

DOES NOT EXIST ANYMORE – Remember Surge? Man, that stuff was bad. I did like Vault though when that was still around. I actually though that Coke II was pretty good while I never enjoyed Crystal Pepsi.

I think that that about covers it. If I missed something, please let me know. I didn’t do a ton of research on this as I just went off the top of my head. Oh wait! Pepsi did those throwback versions of their products last year and I didn’t really notice any difference. They tasted the same to me but since I have some douchey hipster qualities about me sometimes, I bought them anyway simply for the retro label. I am a sheep. Anyway, let’s get carbonated today while I try to convince Prime to start adding ICP songs to his set list. SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGE!!!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

This Post Style Should Look Familiar

This might be the worst photoshop ever but it made me laugh for some reason.
I strongly considered catching up with the BRAHs this week as both are preparing for the Draft while reminding Tom Crean that he is a loser slop-box, but I ended up running out of time and wasn't able to piece it together in my mind-grapes before I had to turn this into my editor.  Long story short, I rule.  They will be back again though sooner rather than later.  Anyway, nothing is going on right now other than everyone misremembering that Rick Pitino isn't really a good dude so you get one of those posts where I address a bunch of different stuff that isn't really interesting but at least it gives an outline for talking points.

*Beilein made the right call - I can't believe how many people out there can't get over the fact that Trey Burke Sucks was benched for the final 11 minutes of the first half.  I understand that you need to go down swinging with your best or some other stupid sports cliche but you also ride the hot hand and had TBS picked up his third in the first half, he would have been ridiculously passive in the second half and thus not what made him fool idiots into thinking he was good this season.  In 1983, Guy Lewis did the same thing with Clyde Drexler for Houston when he had THREE fouls in the first half.  The Glide was on the receiving end of the worst call in basketball history, got his 4th before halftime, and NC State shocked the world.  There is a difference between coaching smart and coaching safe.  Trey Burke Sucks.  Beilein was right.  DEAL WITH IT.

*Going pro, yo! - Ben McLemore is leaving Kansas after one year.  The actual Big Ten POY Victor Oladipo is doing the same.  Both would look terrific in wine and gold.  I would imagine that word would start leaking out of Ann Arbor today regarding who stays and who goes.

*RG3 is the greatest - He just set the record for highest selling jersey of all time.  WE SICK.  Also, rest in peace, Jason Hanson.  Congrats on replacing him with David Akers.  He's terrible.

*Fuck Pop - Seriously, when is Craig Sager going to snap and knock that cocksucker out for treating everyone like shit?  It's sort of funny but it's really old.  You know that these people have a job to do; show them some respect.

*The Masters starts tomorrow - People that don't root for Tiger are terrorists.  They probably prefer limp-dicked phonies named Phil.  Is anyone dumb enough to bet against Woods this week?  Lindsey Vonn's vaj must have some serious rejuvenation powers.

*LOL Baseball - What's funnier: that horrible strike three call to end the Rays/Rangers game on Sunday or the fact that Terry Francona got lost three times on his way to the stadium that he lives two blocks away from on Monday morning?  I think seeing a confused Tito walking around Believeland hopefully shirtless would be more amusing.

*Told you so, Brady and Grumpy - Never doubt me when it comes to TV.  After a promising Bacon-filled start, The Following has turned into a total mess of a show.  You know it is true.  It's getting a second season--we know this already--but I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't finish year 2.  Nothing that Raylan's wife/Claire has done has made ANY sense at all.  The Americans, though, still good but wasting an entire episode making me care about Amador's impending death was a bad hour.  I have concrete evidence that Damman loves Keri Russell.  She isn't even remotely husky much to the dismay of Iceman's joke book.  So there's that.

That's going to do it with my babbling for today.  I would love to hear some Indians/Yankees Opening Day stories (if there are any) and/or how Ape's experience at his first CBJ game went.  Probably better than Michigan's last basketball game (nailed it).  WE OUT.

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

WE wON? I Hope Not.

You better be right, Bro Diddley
I’m not doing a live blog/journal of the National Championship Game tonight. I know that I said I would but that is what we in the internet journalism business call a “lie”. I never intended to. The reasoning is simple: I have had very, very poor luck when it comes to my enemies winning big recently and I really don’t want to have to potentially write things like “Well, congratulations” to people that I don’t want to say nice things to. Plus, my dog gets pissed when I have my laptop open for too long and I’m not paying attention to him. He’s a real diva like that.

So I’m just throwing together a really lazy post (even by my standards) as today is only going to go one of two ways anyway. Either Team We On is going to smother us with their earned smug sense of self-satisfaction or the rest of us will point and laugh much like we did when the Tigers got swept in the World Series or when the Steelers got TENOR-IZED. There will be no in-between (or Man Or Mouse!) on this. There are a few things that I would like to throw out there at 2 pm on Gameday when this was written:

*Because it still needs to be said, this is exactly why you ALWAYS root for your arch rival to lose. The one time that you drop your guard, you run the risk of never hearing the end of this. Again, if Michigan cut down the nets last night, it is all of those pro-Big Ten people’s faults and they should be ashamed of themselves.

*If this is truly the greatest rivalry of all time (which LS proved it is not), then you Ohio fans better hope that Louisville won because “National fucking Champions WE ON MOTHERFUCKA” makes “12-OH Row” fucking meaningless. You can argue that point as much as you want (and you will because I know you) but it is true. Awful people like Iceman can say, “Awwwww, you went undefeated? That’s great…KISS THE RING, N-WORD”.

*Is it even possible for Kevin Ware to cut the net anyway? He’s probably going to need to get on someone’s shoulders. Werner Ladders (the official ladder of the NCAA because LOL) are probably pissed about that. They need to make a line of cripple-friendly ladders immediately. Ten bucks says that Pitino pleasures himself with one of those net holes.

*Clark Kellogg was terrible on the call last night. I GUARANSHEED that this is true because he is an idiot.

*Not related to the game but the Rutgers President trying to out-joke Gordon Gee was about as bad as you could possibly imagine. Presidents need to stop with the jokey jokes during scandals. They should call it Round-tine! By the way, the SNL parody of Mike Rice was hilarious and I haven’t said that about SNL in a decade.

Oh God Oh God Oh God…please win Louisville. Put an end to this. If I can’t be happy then no one else is allowed to be. I don’t want to live in a world where fucking Michigan has the nation’s best basketball team. I’ll tell you what, if the Cards won last night then “abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!” You already know which one Pitino is taking.

Monday, April 08, 2013

The Best and Worst of Final Four Weekend


WE ON!



Surprise Iceman post!  I wish I could see the looks on all your filthy faces right now.  What's the meaning of this, you ask?  Simple.  Literally 2 days ago I was informed by my work I will be going to Chicago for a week and leaving today.  I know.  ELITE planning.  They said something about how they want me to figure out exactly why Derrick Rose is such a pussy and hasn't played even though he's been medically cleared.  They also want me to find out if Tom Thibodeau is the Penguin.  I think we all know the answer to that question.  So you get me today, dick faces.  And I bet you can guess what we're going to be discussing.

-WE MOTHERFUCKING ON!  All the Michigan haters can suckle the teet of the Michigan faithful.  What's even better is I nutted the fucking shit out of that game in Damman's pool.  I'm sure I'm still way out of contention but whatever.  We're playing for a fucking national title!

-Zone defense is for cunt holes.  Seriously.  Is this 7th grade girls basketball?  Fucking grow up and play man to man already.  Zone is for lazy ass wipes and coaches who support molesting children.  It's trailer park defense, plain and simple.

-Wichita State is the new VCU.  Cripes!!  I can't wait for everyone to line up to suck Gregg Marshall's cock clean off next year.  It's VCU all over again but with a coach who looks like he belongs on Schrute farms or in a Tom CreanPie family album.  Marshall would be the one holding Joanie Harbaugh-CreanPie's veiny boner.

-Syracuse has ELITE cry babies.  LOLZ!  Nothing screams "I don't believe we have a chance to win this game" quite like bawling after fouling out when the game is still close with a lot of time left.  The moment they showed Michael Carter-Williams sobbing like a rape victim on the sideline I knew Michigan had them.  Such a hilarious moment.  And pick a last name and stick with it, loser.

-I'll say it.  ENOUGH WITH THE KEVIN WARE SHOTS!  Christ Almighty!!  We fucking get it already.  Way to hump our eyeballs into submission while jamming Kevin Ware down our throats.  The Internet is an amazing thing, CBS.  By now everyone knows about Kevin Ware and his vomit inducing leg injury.  Stop talking about it.

-Michigan's late game free throw making ability is butt.  Once again Michigan tried to piss away a late game lead by morphing into a combination of Andre Drummond and DUH-wight Howard.  Prime said it best a couple weeks ago.  Being an awful FT shooter is just being lazy.  Shoot at least 80% or GTFO.

-Jordan Morgan is a terrible basketball player.  Now I know a lot of people will be buffing Morgan's ebony pole for taking that charge that wasn't a charge (see?  I can be objective).  But let's not forget the 20 other plays he had where something absolutely terrible happened.  Morgan couldn't catch a fucking basketball if you ran up to him and gently placed it in his hands.  It's like his fingers are made of freshly shat warm cat turds.  He needs to get zero minutes in the National Championship game.

-I think this was mentioned before...but how is Wichita State getting away with throwing up 2 in the pink 1 in the stink signs all over national TV?  I feel someone would have stepped in by now considering how pussy we've progressively gotten over the past decade.  It's just crazy how people get all bunged up about curse words on TV yet allow a hilarious suggestive sexual symbol fly with regularity.

-Brandon Triche is Delonte West.  Seriously...are those two related?  I was so happy to see Triche get fucked over on that charge call.  It's nice to see bad things happening to assholes.  Especially assholes who play for a guy who turns a blind eye to rape.  Never forget.  That's what you get for flapping your fucking blab hole all week, Delonte Triche.  Enjoy your life in whatever European league you play in next year.

-Are there new jump ball rules I don't know about?  Because that jump ball that was called at the end of the Louisville/Wichita State game most certainly was not one.  The Shockers took 1 in the pink and 4 in the stink on that call.

-Mitch McGary doesn't care for G$'s slights.  Ever since G$ called McGary "terrible" he's been playing lights out.  He's starting to look like the recruit that everyone was drooling over last year and he's only a Freshman.  What this guy could potentially turn into in the next 2-3 years is scary.  Any other players you care to call out, G$?  Michigan could use more studs since they're clearly motivated by your slander.

That's it for me.  Don't forget to cheer on YOUR Michigan Wolverines in tonight's championship game.  I can't wait to see all of the Louisville "fans" come out of the woodwork.  Just mouth breathing everywhere and sweating while struggling to open that jar of pickles.  Just know that supporting Pitino means you support infidelity and abortion.  And widows peaks.  And breath that smells like beet juice.  WE ON FOR THE TITLE!