"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED WITH A FANTASY FOOTBALL POST?!"
Now that G$ has retardedly informed us that the Washington Pigskins are the only team that knows how to draft and the NFL draft is officially over, let's discuss what everyone really cares about. Which rookies will have the biggest fantasy football impact this year. Since this draft wasn't loaded with a ton of sexy talent this year, a lot of these predictions are somewhat modest. But fuck off...it was either this or the NBA. Just be happy it's football. We'll start with a guy that will certainly be on Grumpy's team this year.
Le'Veon Bell RB - Pittsburgh
The good news? Rapeyberger lost his top OVERRATED target from last year so the Steelers will probably be relying heavily on the run this year. Unless you really believe Antonio Brown is a legit number one. And if you really think that you should rub poop on your tongue. Steeler football has always been give it to your hogs on first and second down then let your QB rape his way out of trouble on 3rd and short. They've abandoned that since Bettis retired to pursue his dream of becoming a disgusting fucking blob and Mendenhall took up terrorism full time. The bad news is that this reeks of committee and Bell is one of three fat fucks that are essentially interchangeable backs. And since Tomlin is now the black Shanahan of fantasy football, the chubber who sees the majority of those carries from week to week could be anyone. Have fun picking the right one.
What to expect: 525 yards 3TDs
Where to draft: Don't. Unless you're Grumpy. Then 2nd round.
DeAndre Hopkins WR - Houston
If this guy plays WR the way he tosses his own shit around a hotel room then sign me up! Again...a huge negative here is that the Texans ram Arian Foster up your dick hole for about 75% of the game. And that's why it's annoying as fucking shit when playing against Foster in fantasy football. But there is a slight positive to Houston's unnecessary dedication to the run. With Andre Johnson still commanding double teams, that means whoever lines up opposite of him will most likely be seeing single coverage for the entire game. That guy is Hopkins since Houston finally realized how LULZ it was to have a white guy named Kevin as your #2 threat.
What to expect: 800 yards 6 TDs
Where to draft: You could probably snag him in the 10th round and feel okay about it.
Eddie Lacy RB - Green Bay
**BOYFRIEND ALERT** I think Lacy is the best fantasy prospect in this draft. I was stunned when three (I think) other backs came off the board before Lacy fell directly into Ted Thompson's boner. I understand there were some durability issues. Remember they said the same about AP...NOT saying Lacy is AP before you guys start filleting me for that comment. I'm not delusional. I'm just saying that sometimes people are wrong. All I see is a back that averaged 7 yards a carry while sharing the load in the best football conference in the country. That has to translate to the pro level. I expect Lacy to start from day one and produce after struggling the first couple of games.
What to expect: 1,100 total yards 6TDs
Where to draft: He won't be there past the 4th since I'm sure the fantasy websites will be lining up to take turns blowing him. It just depends on how big your nuts are and if you have the sack to chance it.
Tavon Austin WR - St. Louis
I'm really torn on this one. On one hand Sam Bradford sucks camel dick. On the other hand Danny Amendola is white, slow and made of used pussy skin. Bonus points: Austin is used to having a shit for brains QB that struggles completing simple passes. I'm going to side with talent on this one and say that Austin is able to produce in his first year. I guess this is less of a ringing endorsement of Austin and more of a "who the fuck else is going to do it" type situation. Now that Stephen Jackson is gone they certainly aren't running the ball this year. And if the Rams continue to be the Rams and always play from behind, then Navajo Sam is going to need someone to throw to. Austin makes the most sense to reap those benefits.
What to expect: 900 yards 8 TDs
Where to draft: This production estimate is fucking GENEROUS. Having said that I wouldn't want to repeatedly punch my own dick if I grabbed him somewhere in the 7th to 9th round.
Montee Ball RB - Denver
This is an interesting one, gents. McGahee needs to be sent to the fucking glue factory. And I think he will be sooner rather than later. SHOCKING, he's only 31 but with yet another ACL tear he'll probably run more like he's 71. Also keep in mind that the organization HATES Knowshon Moreno and made him a healthy scratch on more than one occasion last year. It wasn't until they were fucking desperate that they made Moreno the lead back. And he was about as impressive as an egg fart in a broken elevator. The problem with Ball is the dude has some super serial mileage on his bones. The way Wisconsin used Ball is the definition of abusive. We'll have to see if he can hold up but there is definitely some intrigue here.
What to expect: 700 yards 4 TDs
Where to draft: Any time after the 10th round is probably reasonable. At that point you're drafting backups anyway...or in Grumpy's case, 4th string Steeler running backs. HASHTAG CHRIS RAINEY!!
Cordarelle Patterson WR - Minnesota
Jennings is in and Harvin is out. Patterson was brought in to fill a void currently occupied by Jerome Simpson and his blossoming drug business. So the upside is that Patterson will see significant playing time. Unfortunately once again we fall into the "stud running back who is focal point of offense while the WR core gets absolutely crippled by the shit dick play of a butt QB" scenario. It won't take Jennings long to realize the error of his fleeing Green Bay ways and for Patterson to completely regret being drafted to a team that starts Christian Ponder. Having said that...
What to expect: 400 yards 3TDs
Where to draft: Don't. I've seen comparisons to Troy Williamson and Darius Heyward-Bey. Sounds like a keeper.
Sleepers to keep an eye on:
Giovani Bernard RB - Bengals: He's a play maker...and the Lawfirm is not.
Robert Woods WR - It's just too bad Kevin LOLB is the QB in Buffalo.
Joseph Randle RB - Because every back on the Cowboys wears a dress. And Jerruh Jones loves him. And if you have brought a sparkle to Jerruh's eye you WILL get playing time.
There ya go. Fantasy gold for everyone to enjoy. I've already spent way too much time on this post and there really isn't a good way to end it. Except for FUCK THE STEELERS. That feels pretty right.