|Uh oh, better bring out the wheelchair!|
Don’t tell that to Dwyane Wade. This highly unlikeable fella would appreciate it if everyone started calling him WOW for the rest of eternity. WOW, naturally, stands for “Way of Wade” which is more of a terrible self-help book title than it is a nickname. The fuck does that even mean? Way of Wade? Wouldn’t it make more sense if WOW stood for “Whine or Wheelchair”? Count it. Nailed it. With authority. I would have also accepted "Weed Over Watermelon".
So I’m watching the Cavs and Heat play on Sunday night and for the second time this season, the Cavs snatched defeat from the jaws of victory down in the land of the great fans. It was frustrating as this team is wont to be. CJ Miles, normally worthless, had one of those rare games where EVERYTHING he threw up was going in. And he was talking mad shit about it as if it weren’t total luck. We had the lead with a few minutes remaining but then Bron shut down Kyrie and the resurgent (and looking like a star these days) Dion Waiters just ran out of plays to make while the wine and gold stopped playing defense of any kind. It’s maddening to watch this happen but this is what young teams do.
I continue to soften my hate toward LeBron as the days go by. I mean, look at the landscape, everything is pointing to him coming back after next season. He keeps rebuilding local ties and the Cavs continue to not address the SF position on the roster. Why are they not considering to ever trade Varejao? Because they’re boys. I’m not saying that I guarantee it or anything but it sure as hell looks like things are shaping up for some sort of massive return home. Iceman, read this carefully because you are going to want to beat me over the head with this paragraph—I am not counting on this happening, but I don’t think that anyone would be surprised if or when it does. Just like in pro wrestling, faces turn heel and then back to face all the time.
I said last year some time that it would be hard for me to ever support that guy again. And it will if he and Dan Gilbert decide to play tummy sticks for a second time. But what I've come to realize as I age is that I'd rather win with relaxed principles than lose forever on my moral high horse. That's just fucking stupid to not think that way. Like I said, though, we'll see how this shakes out in another 16 months.
But I’m still contractually obligated to keep the same level of hate for the Heat. Where does it go if it is coming off of LeBron? Well, I will forever mentally feel like Chris Bosh is just an ass player who is the luckiest dinosaur on the planet to have friends in high places. He should be rotting in Canada. All of that scorn though is where it should be…with Wade. I know that most of you can’t stand to watch pro basketball games and I can see why but give the Heat a half some time and just watch “WOW”. If he’s not crying to the refs then he’s in a constant state of mean-mugging to no one in particular after making routine plays. He plays the game like Tim Donaghy is his personal ref and that he demands every call. He whines and flops and stares and whines some more the entire time that he’s out there. And he gets away with it!
So there you go. In what should come as no surprise to anyone, the guy who makes up his own nickname, acts like a dick, and apparently has sex with Gabrielle Union in front of his own children is now my least favorite player in all of sports. I just can’t think of any situation where I would root for Whine or Wheelchair. None. Playing the Celtics? Go KG and Jelly Rolls!
And if we’re making up nicknames for each other here today (we can--I will allow it), I nominate “Dash” for Brady due to his apparent ELITE speed. And he sounds like the kind of guy that would skip out on a restaurant bill.