|Ho. Ly. Shit. He's Cowherd's dad.|
The big game around this area of America is none other than tonight’s Marathon MAC Championship OBVZ. But the second most important is probably the B1G Dump live from suburban Pawnee, IN. Ohio finally has what they’ve been waiting for these long two years since King Buttfucker came aboard: a win and you’re in scenario. This is an interesting contrast of styles between the Fuckeyes and Sparty. And I think that while many mouth-breathers already have their minds on Florida State, that thinking is risky business. All you have to do is look at the Stansbury/Oregon game from last month. The “unstoppable” offense sure can be stopped by a rugged front four. Now, it isn’t entirely the same because Oregon doesn’t have a RB like Sir Slap-A-Lot, but you can see some similarities there. We don’t really know how good that Sparty D is, but I get the feeling that the Ohio punter will see the field a hell of a lot more than he has all season.
I’m normally not one to show interest in this terrible conference BUT this game fascinates me just because of the contrasting styles. Sparty has ELITE DBs which means that they can stuff the box all night. Connor Cook has been pretty good since being named the starter and actually gives MSU the option of using the forward pass. I think it comes down to the Fuckeye front four. If they can get some sacks early and get into Cook’s head, Ohio should win rather easily. If they can’t get to him, though, Michigan State WILL win that football game despite having Don Treadwell’s son on the OL. In fact, even though I really want to grab those points, I think that the smart money is on Ohio to cover the -5.5 (but hedging on a Sparty moneyline would be a decent plan as well).
As for me, I already know how the game is going to transpire. I’ve got it all figured out (it’s gonna be the Cowboys and the Bills…ELITE reference…count it) as I am taking matters into my own hands. Saturday night, at the Bier Stube, I will become one of you. I am going to root, root, root for the home team. I’ve got a t-shirt I plan to wear and everything because I love the scarlet and red. I am going to embrace my inner-Buckeye and lay it all on the line for THEEEEE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY! I will be fist-bumping my bros and yelling “O-H!” and all of that great fan behavior. So what if every team that I root for has about a 10% winning percentage this season? I’M DUE! And if it goes like it always goes for me in 2013, whoops, mah bad! Enjoy your jinx! Desperate times call for desperate measures and I am prepared to use my losing powers to ruin your season now. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Let’s do some more picks for conference championship weekend, shall we?
Auburn -2 vs. Missouri – You would be an idiot to bet against this team
Stanford +3 vs. Arizona State – Todd Graham is still a shithead
Florida State -29 vs. Duke – It’s like if Glenville played Ottawa Hills
MAC Glory Hole of the Week (now 9-3.5 because Toledo Tom is a fat asshole) Bowling Green +4.5 vs. Northern Illinois – The MAC title game is almost always wildly entertaining and it does tend to come up with some incredible upsets. I don’t think that the Falcons win, though, so let’s say something like NIU 34-30. Some NFL suggestions:
Indianapolis +7 @ Cincinnati – Huh? That’s three points too many.
New Orleans -3 vs. Carolina – Don’t bet against the Saints in the Dome no matter who they play
San Francisco -2.5 vs. Seattle – The Niners are healthy again while the Seahawks are going to spend all week smelling their own farts (a Pete Carroll tradition). This may be the last installment of Mr. Ace’s Hammer of the Week (unless he posts advice in the comments) so enjoy it. OR NOT!
I have nothing witty to say. (Ed. note: Fortunately, I do. You are now 14-13-1 on the season. You suck oriental dong.)
NCAA: Souf Florida +6. Rutgers is a total train wreck. Alleged coach abuse...again at Rutgers. Recruits are jumping ship. Nobody wants to be a part of this program. In 3 of the last 4 games where Rutgers was favored, they lost straight up. I really like Marshall -5 too. They have been killing teams for the last month.
NFL: Dallas +1. Dallas is beating bad teams. Chicago is a bad team. Chicago is also 0-5 ATS in their last 5 home games. I know Romo has his December record hanging over his head, but Chicago just doesn't have it in them. I will also be watching the weather in Denver closely. If it gets bad then I think San Diego +10.5 (or the Titans who they actually play this weekend but whatever) is a good play. We all saw how Manning enjoys chucking ducks in the cold.
Moneyline: BG +170
This should be a terrific weekend of football as the NFL slate is incredible to go along with the titles up for grabs in the college game. Programming note: next Friday will be our annual Weisman Trophy ceremony (gonna be hard to top Te'o!). The Friday after that is when I name the Commenter of the Year. And the final Friday of 2013 will be when The Money Shot names the 2013 Money Shot Man of the Year (going to be even harder to top last year’s winner: ME). These are huge days, people, so you might want to mark your calendars. We are still tabulating comments for CotY as nothing has been decided yet. Enjoy the games this weekend and GO BUCKS!!! O-H!!!