Friday, December 06, 2013

Your Final Gambling Advice Post Of The Year

Ho.  Ly.  Shit.  He's Cowherd's dad.
I was going to spend a portion of today discussing Marcus Mariota’s decision to return to Nike for another season but I will forgo (see what I did there…it’s why I get paid the big internet bucks) that post AGAIN until sometime mid next week. Why? BECAUSE THERE ARE CONFERENCE TITLES TO BE WON THIS WEEKEND!

The big game around this area of America is none other than tonight’s Marathon MAC Championship OBVZ. But the second most important is probably the B1G Dump live from suburban Pawnee, IN. Ohio finally has what they’ve been waiting for these long two years since King Buttfucker came aboard: a win and you’re in scenario. This is an interesting contrast of styles between the Fuckeyes and Sparty. And I think that while many mouth-breathers already have their minds on Florida State, that thinking is risky business. All you have to do is look at the Stansbury/Oregon game from last month. The “unstoppable” offense sure can be stopped by a rugged front four. Now, it isn’t entirely the same because Oregon doesn’t have a RB like Sir Slap-A-Lot, but you can see some similarities there. We don’t really know how good that Sparty D is, but I get the feeling that the Ohio punter will see the field a hell of a lot more than he has all season.

I’m normally not one to show interest in this terrible conference BUT this game fascinates me just because of the contrasting styles. Sparty has ELITE DBs which means that they can stuff the box all night. Connor Cook has been pretty good since being named the starter and actually gives MSU the option of using the forward pass. I think it comes down to the Fuckeye front four. If they can get some sacks early and get into Cook’s head, Ohio should win rather easily. If they can’t get to him, though, Michigan State WILL win that football game despite having Don Treadwell’s son on the OL. In fact, even though I really want to grab those points, I think that the smart money is on Ohio to cover the -5.5 (but hedging on a Sparty moneyline would be a decent plan as well).

As for me, I already know how the game is going to transpire. I’ve got it all figured out (it’s gonna be the Cowboys and the Bills…ELITE reference…count it) as I am taking matters into my own hands. Saturday night, at the Bier Stube, I will become one of you. I am going to root, root, root for the home team. I’ve got a t-shirt I plan to wear and everything because I love the scarlet and red. I am going to embrace my inner-Buckeye and lay it all on the line for THEEEEE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY! I will be fist-bumping my bros and yelling “O-H!” and all of that great fan behavior. So what if every team that I root for has about a 10% winning percentage this season? I’M DUE! And if it goes like it always goes for me in 2013, whoops, mah bad! Enjoy your jinx! Desperate times call for desperate measures and I am prepared to use my losing powers to ruin your season now. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Let’s do some more picks for conference championship weekend, shall we?

Auburn -2 vs. Missouri – You would be an idiot to bet against this team
Stanford +3 vs. Arizona State – Todd Graham is still a shithead
Florida State -29 vs. Duke – It’s like if Glenville played Ottawa Hills

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (now 9-3.5 because Toledo Tom is a fat asshole) Bowling Green +4.5 vs. Northern Illinois – The MAC title game is almost always wildly entertaining and it does tend to come up with some incredible upsets. I don’t think that the Falcons win, though, so let’s say something like NIU 34-30. Some NFL suggestions:

Indianapolis +7 @ Cincinnati – Huh? That’s three points too many.
New Orleans -3 vs. Carolina – Don’t bet against the Saints in the Dome no matter who they play
San Francisco -2.5 vs. Seattle – The Niners are healthy again while the Seahawks are going to spend all week smelling their own farts (a Pete Carroll tradition). This may be the last installment of Mr. Ace’s Hammer of the Week (unless he posts advice in the comments) so enjoy it. OR NOT!

I have nothing witty to say. (Ed. note: Fortunately, I do. You are now 14-13-1 on the season. You suck oriental dong.)
NCAA: Souf Florida +6. Rutgers is a total train wreck. Alleged coach abuse...again at Rutgers. Recruits are jumping ship. Nobody wants to be a part of this program. In 3 of the last 4 games where Rutgers was favored, they lost straight up. I really like Marshall -5 too. They have been killing teams for the last month.
NFL: Dallas +1. Dallas is beating bad teams. Chicago is a bad team. Chicago is also 0-5 ATS in their last 5 home games. I know Romo has his December record hanging over his head, but Chicago just doesn't have it in them. I will also be watching the weather in Denver closely. If it gets bad then I think San Diego +10.5 (or the Titans who they actually play this weekend but whatever) is a good play. We all saw how Manning enjoys chucking ducks in the cold.
Moneyline: BG +170

This should be a terrific weekend of football as the NFL slate is incredible to go along with the titles up for grabs in the college game. Programming note: next Friday will be our annual Weisman Trophy ceremony (gonna be hard to top Te'o!). The Friday after that is when I name the Commenter of the Year. And the final Friday of 2013 will be when The Money Shot names the 2013 Money Shot Man of the Year (going to be even harder to top last year’s winner: ME). These are huge days, people, so you might want to mark your calendars. We are still tabulating comments for CotY as nothing has been decided yet. Enjoy the games this weekend and GO BUCKS!!! O-H!!!


GMoney said...

I don't give a damn for the whole state of Michigan. I'm from OHIO. LOLZ! GO BUCKS!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the support, G$. At least, if we win, you can take solace in the fact that Iceman will likely commit suicide.

This is my last weekend betting as well, and I am trying not to fuck this up. MUST GO OUT STRONK.



GMoney said...

I'm going to need Cakes to tell me all the hilarious and cool nicknames so that I'm in the know and don't look like an idiot. I know one thing: Coach Fickell's Boys will ALWAYS be THE SILVER BULLETS!

Let's hope that Drew found a nice patch of black ice on his way to Indy. Say hi to Mandela for us, bitch.

Anonymous said...

Yeahhhh! G$!

I'd probably take Ape's Eagles over the Lions to cover 2.5 at home. Our secondary is real bad...notoriously bad road team...and the Eagles are rolling. This is not like when I told Slow Seal, Cakes and The Iceman that there was no way that the Lions would lose in Cleveland.

My preview of this weekend's big tilt....

Michigan State vs. Ohio State (Location: Columbus West) -- In a couple hours, I'll be in a car headed toward Indy with thousands of other Buckeyes as we get ready for this celebration of Big Ten Football featuring the two best football programs in the conference for the year of 2013. The stakes? HIGH. If Ohio State wins, the Buckeyes are playing for a National Championship in January. If Michigan State wins, it sends MSU to the Rose Bowl as the undisputed Big Ten Champion and Mark Dantonio starts being viewed as a legendary coach at MSU.

This is a matchup that features a ridiculous offense vs. a ridiculous defense. Neither side has seen anything close to the other. Ohio State's defensive performance against Michigan is a big sign of concern, but I think our DL and Shazier will get to Cook a decent amount. I expect a much more attacking defense to look to cause turnovers to give our offense shorter fields. As the game wears on, can the MSU DL stop Hyde and Braxton from gashing them for big chunks of yardage? I think the Buckeyes will open up the play-book a little bit this week as well, to keep MSU on their heels a bit.

Ohio State is 276-0-1 when scoring 35 pts in a football game. MSU hasn't given up 35 pts since 2011. This Saturday night will be that first time that MSU has given up 35...and it won't be the first Buckeye loss of the Urban Era. Bring on the Noles. Ohio State 38 MSU 21

Go Bucks! Go Braxton! Go Cakes! Go Bosa! Go Me! Go Urban Meyer! Go G$!


Anonymous said...

G$'s boy Chris Petersen to Washington! G$ has two new favorite teams today!


MuDawgfan said...

"Sparty has ELITE DBs which means that they can stuff the box all night

Talk about your ELITE porn references.

I actually am more interested in the B1G game than the SEC game this weekend. And I absolutely cannot remember the last time I could say that.

Mr. Ace said...

I guess that answered my Peterson questions from Wednesday. Boise sucks. And so does Peterson. How the fuck did he turn all that success into the fucking UW job? So dumb.

I am very excite for the B1G championship game. I have no idea how this game will go. Neither team has played any real competition. It will be interesting.

Drew, Urbz will need to open it up because they aren't going to gash the MSU d line like they did everybody else. Your skill players need to step up...and I think your WR group kind of sucks. Also, you put up 42 on Michigan. Hard for me to see the Fuckeyes hanging 38. I see this going 24-23 or something close like that. I think the Fuckeyes will have to settle for a few field goal where they normally get TD's. I think it will be a good game though.

I think BG is going to win tonight. They have been the best team in the MAC over the last month.

I also think Mizzou will win. LOLZ team of destiny.

GMoney said...

GO HUSKIES! How pathetic does this make USC look? Answer: VERY! Maybe Peterson just loves the Pacific Northwest? It is the setting for Twilight after all. The Pac-12 just got a whole lot better.

I wish that Peterson would coach the Washington Redskins though.

I honestly feel like Hyde will be bottled up for the most part. Pryor Junior should be able to GASH the defense with zone reads though.

Is anyone man enough to say that Dantonio and Cowherd don't look EXACTLY alike???

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Jay-Z did some retarded stuff during contract negotiations with the Mariners, the Mariners told him and Cano to fuck off. LOLZ. Yankees back to bidding against themselves...I actually hope Cano gets screwed on money and looks like a fool.


Anonymous said...

I don't think MSU's defense will be as successful as most people think. Although Oregon runs a lot of zone read, it is not the same as Ohio State's offense. Ohio State's offense is much more similar to Auburn's with a lot more of a power aspect to it. Auburn put 296 rushing yards up on Bama's excellent rush defense. I am not saying OSU will go for 296, but I think it will go for at least 200.

Part of the reason I say this is because of Hyde's physical running, if he gets contact at 3 yards, he will make it a 5 yard run. If he gets contacted at 5, he will make it an 8 yard run. That will take its toll and add up throughout the game. There is a reason Hyde has only been stopped for a loss 2-3 times all season.

Also, Braxton will get at least 60-70 yards rushing. By its nature, anytime Braxton runs of the zone read it is because there is an open running lane. It is because someone has bit on Hyde's run and Braxton sees a vulnerability. If Braxton's reads are as good as they have been over the past month, it will not matter how good MSU's defense has been.

Lastly, MSU has a great rush defense, but it is helped by the fact that it avoided the top two rushing attacks in the B1G this year in Wisconsin and Ohio State. When Nebraska played MSU, it ran for 180+ and its RB, Ameer Abdulah, went for 130+. The total would have been higher had it not been for sacks.

The game will be interesting and OSU will still need to throw for about 150 to win, but I think OSU gets the job done easier than many think.

Anonymous said...

I read that Cano/Jay-Z thing. LOLZ. They offered 9 years $225MM, and it was settled, then Jay-Z asked for 10 years 252, and was told to fuck off. That is comedy.


GMoney said...

Are you guys saying that hiring a rapper, who doesn't even know what law school is to be your agent, is a bad idea? We've got 180 million waiting for you, Robbie, so come back home with your tail between your legs.

So are we all on board with the long-winded anon being LS? Welcome back, bud, but I still won't vote for you even if I could.

Mr. Ace said...

Anon/LS, that is a pretty simple interpretation of the zone read. Braxton is only reading one player, a DE, and giving or keeping based on that player. If the DE bites doesn't necessarily mean there is a running lane for Braxton. Especially since Sparty isn't going to allow themselves to lose this game by giving up rushing yards. I think Braxton is going to have to throw for 225+ to win. And he will have opportunities to do that. Sparty is stopping the run. If the Fuckeyes crack 200 rushing yards it will take 50 carries.

Anonymous said...


I think your interpretation of the zone read is oversimplified. Braxton can read multiple people depending on the alignment of the defense. That is what makes this so dangerous. If it were as simple as you are stating, it would be a lot easier to stop by simply doing what is called a LB scrape where the DE chases the play from behind and one of the LB's fills in for the DE. However, its called the zone read because the linemen are blocking a zone and not a pre-defined person, meaning Braxton is reading those same zones and making a decision based on which players he is reading have done what. If you watch film, you will see sometime he reads any one of the LBs, sometimes he reads the DE, sometimes he even reads the nose tackle. The truth is, the defense does not know where the 2nd option is and it could be multiple places on one play. The key will be play recognition for MSU, which is tough to do when you are facing one of the best OL's in the country that is good at getting to its blocks quickly.

Nate said...

Dantonio already had the balls to come out and say exactly what he is going to do on defense.

Corners will press our receivers (as they should as their corners ARE better than our receivers).

Strong safety will be cheating more up than back all day long, and will spend most of the day in or near the box.

MSU will likely force the pitch on the read to eliminate the threat of Braxton's mobility and rely on OLB and SS flow to string out Hyde / pitchman.

On offense, I expect OSU to score maybe 21. We'll be contained for most of the game.

Game will come down to how well a Bollman coached, conservative offense will do against our shaky defense. I see OSU scoring on defense and/or special teams due to execution failure by MSU.

Our offense may not be consistent, but we still have the playmakers that can blow everything up on one given play. It'll happen eventually and we'll capitalize off of it. I still expect MSU to drive often and maybe put another 21 of their own on the board.

This one will come down to the first one to fuck up. I think it will be MSU.

OSU 28
MSU 24

Don't take OSU to cover. MSU's defense is too good.

Nate said...


"Our offense may not be consistent..."

Meant to say "defense"

Anonymous said...

Ohio State will get its yards in the passing game from a few sources:

1. Play Action to the TE's or Slot Recievers

2. Deep Ball (they will hit at least one and maybe only one) on play where our WR beats one of their corners playing tight

3. Motion RB in space (think Dontre Wilson to the slot or on a swing pass). If they are playing tight, you could also use the swing as a decoy to open up the middle.

I know MSU's approach will be to shut down the run by jamming the box, but When you face an offense that runs so much misdirection, option, and thrives on getting people in space, I feel MSU may be putting its proverbial eggs in one basket.

The strength of OSU's offense is its ability to attack in multiple places. When OSU has 4 receivers on a given play, all it takes is one defender to bite on the run for a receiver to be running wide open and when a defense lines up so close the LOS, that margin for error is decreased dramatically. I don't think MSU can account for nearly everything by simply jamming the box as if OSU is running out of the I formation. Which is why I think OSU will have success and score at least 30.

GMoney said...

Yeah, that's definitely LS. No one can bore me to death with explanations like him. Since he is here, let me give him some advice. Make your main platform be the return of Jim Crow!

While I am a HUGE Buckeye fan, I am nervous about this because a great defense almost always stick it up the pooper of an UNSTOPPABLE offense because those don't exist.


Anonymous said...

Let me be clear, I don't disagree with MSU's approach to put the game on Braxton's arm, as it is probably the best approach. I just don't think it will be successful enough to win the game.

Mr. Ace said...

LS, scrape dees nuts.

Dantonio has probably watched every play Urbz has called 10 times. They are going to be ready. I think the one on one matchups outside, and scheming to take advantage of them, will decide this came ultimately. I think the Fuckeyes will pull it off, but its about a 60/40 shot for me.

Peterson is apparently a hipster. I might go to a UW game and grab a nice hummus plate with him afterwards.

Nate said...


GMoney said...

Miami University announced this morning that funding has been secured for a 13 million dollar Indoor Practice Facility with construction beginning in the Spring. GODDAMN RIGHT. This program is about to become a mid-major monster again. BEAT MICHIGAN! I'm sorry, I said that wrong with my current mindset.


Jeff said...

And I thought I would come here today and find a list of Nelson Mandela's greatest accomplishments.

Silly me.

GMoney said...

He was terrific in Victory but not as good as in Shawshank.

Mr. Ace said...

Look like Jay z and Robbie got their deal. Score one for the blacks/rappers.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Drew - if 10 years and 240 mill means fuck off... i want to get told to fuck off more often.


Jeff said...


The Iceman said...

Can't believe Morgan Freeman died yesterday. What? That's Nelson Mandela? Same thing.

I won't have time to post anything else today. I'll leave you all with go Sparty and FUCK YOU CAKES!

GMoney said...

Wow. That is beyond terrible for every party involved.

The Yankees played hardball with their best player and lost (but get a first round pick back).

The Mariners still blow and will regret that contract in 2-3 years.

Jay-Z just took his biggest client and moved him to Siberia. This is a HUGE failure for Mr. Holy Grail.

Cano will be on TV maybe twice a year and will be next door neighbors with Chris Peterson.

GMoney said...

In other words, I'm mad because it should have never came to this but that contract is abysmal and if that is what it took then I'm glad we said LOL NO. We have enough horrible and regrettable contracts as is.

Bring on Omar Infante!

Jeff said...

Bitter G$/Iceman are the best!

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Slow Seal for trying to pin me saying what people like Buster Olney was saying. Your desperation level stinks.

Jeff....I'm sure G$ is bitter that he no longer has Cano on his Yankees...but, he can't be bitter that his team didn't just go 10 yrs, $ 240 on a 31 yr old. That contract is horrendous.


Grumpy said...

The irony of the new indoor practice facility at Miami is that the final funding was secured with the cash G$ won betting AGAINST his alma mater.

Perfect scenario for me: Ohio beats Sparty by 1. Auburn beats Mizzou by 30. Auburn jumps Ohio. Money Shot blows up Tuesday. Drew renounces his citizenship and moves to Canada. Ide jumps off the Brooklyn Bridge. Cakes actually does fuck himself.

GMoney said...

Tell me more about that Ide bridge jump...Are they selling tickets?

I'm mad because I didn't want Cano to go but I'm happy that we stuck by our guns and didn't do something COMPLETELY STUPID like Seattle just did.

And there goes the usefulness of my #24 Yankees jersey that I got for Xmas two years ago...

Anonymous said...

So the FOX sideline reporters for the B1G Championship Game is named Christina Pink. Before now, if you would have given me 3 guesses of her profession based on her name, sideline reporter would not have been one of them.

Mr. Ace said...


Anonymous said...

Grumpy just said he wants this blog to blow up on Tuesday. He is a terrorist and not very nice.


GMoney said...

So much for him winning Commenter of the Year with talk like that, right? The guy just doesn't take award season very serious.

Mr. Ace said...

Did Drooler just drop an Iceman excuse? "I was just saying what I heard, I didn't say I agreed with it BRAH!" You can't regurgitate dumb shit as your own thought and then totally disassociate yourself when it's completely wrong. Unless you can, but then you look like a cunt.

Brady said...

I took a quick break from moving shit to check in and what do I find? G$ cheering on the Buckeyes. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

You better start bad-mouthing OSU again before the end of the day. As you said, anybody you cheer for loses this season. With your support, I don't expect the Buckeye buses to even reach Indy. TAKE IT BACK!

Anonymous said...

No Ape. I said it "sounds like"...everyone said that negotiations broke off. There is nothing further to investigate at that point...until people started to say that negotiations were back on. We just shouldn't report news here anymore I guess....because it never changes or anything.


Mr. Ace said...

Wade Philips back at the helm where he belongs!!!

Anonymous said...

BREAKING NEWS: My sources indicate Houston Texans have fired Gary Kubiak.


Anonymous said...

Ape live tweeting the World Cup draw. Yes it's as bad as it sounds.

Bucks roll 38-20.


Anonymous said...

LOLZ Detroit is seriously the worst city ever.

Mr. Ace said...


If you don't like the World Cup then you are a gay Canadian. A Gaynadian.

G$ probably wants me to do a World Cup Draw reaction piece for Monday. I got you brah.

GMoney said...

The "breaking news" in the comments is the only reason I come here any more.

Cakes, those buses better get there. I wouldn't want to see my favorite team engulfed in flames on their way to a B1G title!

If Jameis Winston played for us, the liberal media would have already convicted him and crucified him. That is a FACT because the world is a hater of Ohio State.

Robinson Cano would rather be filthy rich and irrelevant than filthy rich and compete for titles every year. Good to know. PSGO AKA pack shit, get out.

Anonymous said...

This is the best 24 hours we've had for Seattle sports in a long time. Cano & Peterson are going to make this a dominant sports city!!


Brady said...

I admittedly think soccer is gay and don't give two shits about the World Cup. That being said, from what I'm reading, the Americans are fucked. SHOCKING!!

I heard two different hacks pick MSU today on the radio. The hate is PALPABLE. If there was any danger of overlooking this title game tomorrow, it has evaporated with the typical Buckeye bashing that's gone on in the media this week.

GMoney said...

NORD!!!!!!!!! Great comment right there. I like that he goes with the all caps.

Tell me about it, Cakes! No one respects us. They act like 24 straight is as easy as jerking off at an elementary school. IT IS NOT.

Granderson to the Mets for 4/60. Christ, baseball teams are so dumb.

Yankees got two first round draft picks today (and probably Kuroda). Good day. But there is work to do OBVZ. FREE A-ROD!

Brady said...

I don't like the bizarro G$. It's creeping me the fuck out.

Anonymous said...


You're the only one who is feeding into his reverse trolling attempt. G$ obviously does not have any effect on these games. His teams just suck.

Anonymous said...

The game will be close until about midway through the 3rd quarter when the Buckeyes extend their lead to 10+. Hyde will get 120 on the ground & Braxton throws for 210 & rushes for 70 w/ 3 total scores. I see something like 35-20 for #25 & a shot at the noles.

Go Bucks!!


GMoney said...

Anon, that is highly possible. We will find out soon enough. It could be me or it could just be that my teams will forever be doomed. DOOMED I SAY!


Brady said...

Maybe I'm just reverse reversing his reverse trolling attempt.

GMoney said...

How exactly do you "reverse troll"? Wouldn't that just be "acting like you normally would"?