Monday, December 02, 2013

The Worst of Week Thirteen Vol.VII

Have a nice trip?  See you next FALL!
Sorry, hicks, I know that you're going to want to talk about Saturday's game today but you are just going to have to deal with it.  I hope everyone had an enjoyable Thanksgiving.  The football was bad then OK and then pretty good.  It was all high-lighted by a miracle Steelers cover after Le'Veon Bell died at the one yard line.  Let's talk about this Tomlin move for a second.  After Jason Kidd's LOL-worthy pop spill, this wasn't going to get glossed over.  What the hell is he doing?  He has his back to the play.  He takes a step onto the fucking field.  Jones absolutely does change direction out of fear of being tackled by Willie Mays Hayes.  Now, OBVZ, it didn't matter in the end but there absolutely must be a punishment levied down here.  Mike Tomlin should be suspended for one game at the least.  He's the fucking head coach in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.  He should be above this.  But he is not.  So he should sit.  Why?  Because I've never seen any other coach try to make a tackle in the middle of a game.  Asshole.  Wipe that smug smile off of your OVERRATED face.  Don't take away a draft pick though because that could be used to take another Mike Adams.  Let's worst it up!

Flynn-sanity - The first game was dog shit and, for once, it wasn't the Lions' fault.  I was barely paying attention which is not like me at all.  Congrats to the Lions for winning once on Thanksgiving this decade.

DeMarco Murray - I have always been adamant that this guy sucks and Thursday he had a very Bettis-like 3 touchdowns on something like 6 rushing yards.  Typical Cowboys...squeaking by Matt McGloin at home.  I look forward to their annual December collapse.

Trent Dildo - Mr. QBR Inventor had the nerve to say that Tony Romo is a top 5 QB.  Based on what?  Smiles?  Backwards hats?  Number of Starter jackets owned?

Shaun Suisham - That was great when he forgot how to do his job and just decided to start his kicking motion before the ball was snapped.  And then they lost by 2.  LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Ray Rice - He is probably the worst skill player in football this year but I'm not really sure where else to put this so it's going to be here: The Ravens offense is the best.  It is a real Rex Grossman Special.  When in doubt, chuck it deep!  They do it EVERY play.  It is truly amazing.  I don't think that they run anything but fly routes.  Hitches?  Outs?  Nah, fuck it, let's go long!

The Saddest Play of the Year - When you look at the box score, Old Man Weeden wasn't THAT bad but his limp dick kick out of the end zone for a safety was definitely LOLZ.  Man, that Josh Gordon is an ELITE receiver.  It's too bad that you can't trust his hemp blood.

Joe Haden - Who shuts down the best receivers in the game but gets toasted by THEE Cecil Shorts?  THIS GUY!  Way to lose a home game to the Jags.  That stadium was just packed to the gills with invisible people.  You could have bought a ticket to this game on Thursday for 6 bucks.  The Browns are shit.

Trent Richardson - YA BENCHED!  Dude kind of sucks and all that jazz, but let's be honest...the Colts can't run the ball at all.

Last Year's Rookie QBs - They've ALL come back to Earf this year.  It isn't just RG3 either.  Luck has been simply OK.  Rusty Dubs isn't exactly carrying his team.  Tannehill sucks.  Weeden sucks.  If you consider Kaep in this group, which you shouldn't, he hasn't been consistent.  Just saying that all of these guys aren't really on a rocket ship to stardom as it once appeared.  And that's good.  That's how it is supposed to go for young QBs and Doopy Pantz.

Not Matt Cassel's mustache - The best in the business, folks!  That thing is beautiful.  The Bears are a weird team.  They rack up enough offensive yardage that they should average 40 points but then you look and they struggle to score 20.  Is Cutler due back soon?  Because Josh McCown just isn't a winner...which is probably why he is a career back-up.  Great insight there!  I have made one bad move all fantasy season long on the waiver wire and that was dropping Alshon Jeffery after week 3 in the MSFL to keep Hakeem Nicks.  This haunts me because Jeffrey SICK and Nicks blows.

Rex Ryan - If you are going to bench your rookie QB then you need to do it in favor of someone who is not a rookie himself.  That sends a shitty message  That is why you have veteran back-ups in the first place.

Carson Palmer - To be fair, he was getting blindsided all goddamn day but they win that game if they don't go -3 in the turnover battle.  The Eagles are still garbage and we know this.  I truly feel like Arizona is a better team but whatever, they weren't yesterday.

Analytical Ron - I do not care for this man.  I do love me some Riverboat Ron though.  Stop kicking field goals!  You're supposed to always go for it on fourth down!  I am buying a lot of stock in the Panthers and their Sunday Nighter next week in NOLA should be fantastic.  That is a really good team.

The Houston Texans - Spirited effort yesterday but they lose their tenth in a row.  Did you know that if the season ended today, Houston would have the #1 pick?  That's bananas.  They aren't this bad.  Bridgewater or Mariota or whoever would be walking into an ELITE situation.  Can't wait for Thursday's Texans/Jaguars game this week!

Not Fred Jackson - I don't give a horse's ass about the Bills/Falcons game, but I do love me some Rob Ford and he went to the game in his finest (definitely stained) Bills #22 jersey!  Nice fumbling at the end...good team you got there, Canada.

Vernon Davis - You got tackled by your dick, BRAH!  Coach Jimmy is going to have a good chortle at that play at his next stag party!  Big ups to Jeff Fisher for running some weirdo fake punt reverse from his own 20 that failed miserably.  Riverboat Ron, you are not!

Antonio Gates - I always root against my least favorite college basketball player of all time so it's nice to see him have a crushing fumble and also hand an interception to the Bingles.  Nice road win for Cincy who is clearly the best team in the North.

Eric Decker - You asshole.  Go do another reality TV show with your whore.  I say this because whitey has clinched my bet loss with Drew.  I now must join Twitter.  SHIT.  Thanks for nothing, Wes Welker, you cock.  I'm going to spend the next few weeks crying like Knowshon Moreno listening to the National Anthem.  I'll probably sign up some time between the end of week 17 and the start of the playoffs.  Nothing but HOT TAEKS coming at you from @RealTerrySchaivo!

The Redskins - I will assume that we lost last night in front of a 70% filled stadium.  Because we suck OBVZ.

FANTASY! - The only game that actually mattered this week was in the G$FL and if I can't beat Mingo with Brees and Vic Cruz against Rusty Dubs, I'm going to be furious.  I ended Iceman's season in the MSFL to finish a 12-1 season and a 1 seed.  LFL and OTHER LEAGUE are probably losses, too, but my seeding in each is all locked up.  Bye week coming in the MSFL and LFL because I'm better than you.

I thought long and rock hard about flipping days with Iceman this week since the college game had an incredible weekend, but we have a schedule around here for a reason so you must wait (Plus afternoon TWD finale talk!).  Personally, I can't wait for tonight's game.  I would really like it if Breesus would shut up Team Dirty Piss.  Either way, hold your breath for just one more day and you can fire all of your ammo tomorrow.  God bless.


The Iceman said...


Don't say I never did anything for you.

GMoney said...

That was some incredible losing on display last night. Dominate the first half only to meltdown in the second highlighted by a god awful screwjob officiating and billions of dropped passes.

Fred Davis blows. Bitchin' long snap ground ball on that punt, guy I don't know what your name is!

Jeff Triplett sucks. First down! Runs a play. Nope, now it's fourth down!

We dropped everything in the second half. Griff played great when he wasn't getting killed because Tyler Polumbus and Chris Chester comprise the worst right side of the line in NFL history.

Fuck that. We're still better than the Giants and I have nothing to base that on.

Mr. Ace said...

I am going to claim @mississippisambos right now.

Skins are in big trouble. Shanny is done. Now can you expect RG3 to learn another offense and be productive next year? Nope. It looks like you guys will have a lot of cap space, something Dan Snyder does well with.

The Iggles are good. We won't ever be more than that if we can't score points in the 4th. It's like Chip forgets what the fuck we dominated with for the first 3 quarters. Arizona is good too. Carson was off all day, probably mostly due to pressure. Our D is coming along very nicely.

I called the Jags "upset". LOLZ at Browns and Weeden being favorites.

Andrew Luck has not looked good. But he has taken more hits than any other QB this year and lost his top WR and 2 best RBs this season. #Chuckstrong...#HEGONE

Nate said...

Thanks for Alshon Jeffrey.

Really nice of him to give me 44 fucking points during the last week of the season, after getting eliminated from playoff contention by 'Nasty.

Anonymous said...

Where is grumpy to back up what Tomlin did and make a stupid fucking excuse for why it is ok what he was doing?


Jeff said...

Tomlin has a sick stutter step. Mike Ditka claims Jones would've been caught anyways, so it must be true!

It was a shady move intentional or not. Apparently he does that for every kickoff, or claimed to (the standing close to the sideline and watching the jumbotron part). He's good at sticking to his story, better than most blacks when be questioned for a crime. I'm guessing a hefty fine. Whatevs.

Seal, enjoy your misery and paying to watch what goes on at the factory of sadness.

GMoney said...

Seal, did you ever sell those tickets? What a waste of time!

RG3 has been hit way more than any other QB combined this season.

They are in a tough spot with Shanny. They either have to fire him or extend him because you can't have a lame duck next year. How do you extend a coach that just went 4-12? I think that they should tack on a 2 year extension, fire Jim Haslett, and know that EVERYTHING has gone wrong this season and there is no way that all of this shit can happen again. And then it will because LOL ME.

Or Danny Boy can tell Mike to fire his son, which he won't do but should, and then he'll resign.

We're still going to win the Super Bowl next year (and this year).

How about Le'Veon Bell dying on the field trying to score and then Mike Adams barely rolling his ankle and leaving the game! What a pussy!

Prime99 said...

Excellent point about the Bears, G$. Very weird team with lots of yardage, little to show for it. Their defense made Jared Leto look great yesterday. With all the errors, it was like watching many Simple Jacks play football.

Except Alshon. Dude is a baller.

Anonymous said...

Lookin' more and more liek the Lions are headed to the PLAYOFFS....1st place still bitches!

I could see Schwartz pulling the Tomlin stunt....but, he might actually try and tackle the returner.

Getting G$ on Twitter is one of the best things that I've ever done at this blog....up there with telling all of you fools that Richardson was hot garbage.


GMoney said...

Oh, Schwartz is definitely do for a Woody Hayes moment.

Mr. Ace said...

The Browns actually lead the league in QB hits, but Luck leads the league individually. #FACTS.

I think Drooler should get to pick G$'s handle as well.

Anonymous said...

@mississippisambos is too long, i tried to get it.

Another high score for G$FL. NBD.



GMoney said...

Didn't Drooler outscore you this week? If he didn't, shit, we had two hit triple digits and both of them fuck dudes.

PK brought up a rare interesting point today. If the Lions win the North, in order to reach the SB (LOL!), they will need to beat Jimmy BRAH at home, then at NO, then at SEA. Good luck with that!

GMoney said...

ZOMBIE TIME!!! In general, that was an entertaining midseason finale. I'm not sure if it was any good, but it filled my bloodlust quota.

*Woods people, you've known Brian for like two days and you're just cool going to war for him? That was a bit of a stretch.

*Hi, I'm a mom in the apocalypse and I'm just going to let my kid play in the mud 5000 feet away from me. MOTHER OF THE YEAR!


*So Brian wanted the prison but also was prepared to destroy it? The fuck does that make any sense?

*RIP Hershel although it would have made way more sense for Guv to behead the person who has two functioning legs AND WANTS TO KILL HIM, no?

*Lizzie and Mika have never been taught how to shoot a gun; only knife skills but there they go firing off clean head shots in the middle of a war to save Tyreese. Good teaching, Carol?

*Michonne got what she wanted...Guv blood. Good for her and her blind rage.

*Maggie and Beth shooting AKs...LULZ!

*Not gonna lie, I was really rooting for Rick to die because he is the worst.

*There is no way that Li'l Asskicker is dead because cable shows won't go THAT far. Funniest scene of the night was Deputy Dipshit trying to cry. LOL! Maybe that scene would have had more meaning if I ever thought that Rick or Carl gave a shit about that baby.

*Daryl's tank blowing up skills are unmatched but when the fuck did they get grenades anyway?

So we're on the move again once we restart in February without Hershel, Carol, The Guv, and maybe Judith. I'm just happy that Cutty Wise, Daryl, and Sweet Angel Maggie made it out of there unscathed. But seriously, kill Glenn already.

Anonymous said...

G$...Ide jumped the gun fo sho. I still have NO Defense left...he has nobody. I will probably pass him or tie him tonight. Definitely two monster weeks.

I'd be fine with the Lions knocking out HarBRAH in a Detroit home playoff game and then the season ending the next week. That would be the second best Lions season of my life.


The Iceman said...

Not gonna first I wondered why the GUV didn't axe Michonne instead of Herschel also. But then I realized the move was to completely break the prison people's spirits. He knew Hersch had 2 living daughters watching and that Hersch was way more beloved in the group than Michonne was. He was also probably hoping that the stray gunfire would take Michonne out.

The GUV's latest vaginal conquest deserved to have her daughter die. She sure showed a lot of emotion over someone she clearly doesn't care about since she allows her kid to just run around zombies be damned. This was what? The third time this little bitch was attacked by a zombie while chilling by herself? She was playing with house money anyways in my opinion.


If the show mirrors what happened in the comic, Judy is dead.

I realized last night that Darryl is a close talker when he gets mad at someone. When Rick told him what he did with Carol there were a few uncomfortable moments I thought those two were going to have a serious make out sesh.

I'm hoping when the show picks back up in February they will introduce Abraham as a new character. He is sure to be a crowd favorite.

Prime99 said...

They've already cast Abraham, so there you go.

Many great points already. Mother of the Year was already shitty for boning a vagrant sociopath inches from her daughter, then letting her daughter play alone all the time.

The GUV didn't really want the prison- he wanted revenge. He may have been trying to trick himself, but he only wanted Rick dead. Why not Michonne also? No idea.

Judith is not dead. Zero chance.

RIP Hersh and Paul Walker.

Prime99 said...

I'm unsure who was cast as Abe, but my pick would be Hulk Hogan.

GMoney said...

Thanks for mentioning Paul Walker. You don't just replace Bud Kilmer and get away with it, Lance. He didn't win all those district championships for nothing, folks.

I just find it funny that a war is going on so lets have a couple of five year old girls look after the newborn. Nothing could go wrong there! Zombie Paul Walker prefers human veal.

Anonymous said...

Paul Walker was 2 Fast 2 Furious for the highway.

Carl is the worst actor possible.

Also, Abraham will be played by that guy from Band of Brothers and Southland. So yeah, he will be tits.


The Iceman said...

Prime successfully ruined my intro for tomorrow. But I'm not changing it because, you know...fuck you guys.

Although having Abraham as a part of the show will be incredible...this is network television so he will never be properly represented in the swearing department.

My Abraham would have been Dolph Lundgren. Or Glenn Danzig.

GMoney said...

Hard to argue with those Abe's, Iceman. Would lead to a lot of hard-to-explain boners though.

So this Abe bro is Bull from BoB? That dude was a real sonofabitch in a good way. Although they should have cast a better villain from BoB past that being the guy from Justified.

Since Paul Walker was riding in the passenger seat, is it safe to say that Nick Hogan was driving? ELITE callback to Prime's earlier Hulkster reference.

Prime99 said...

I drove through Santa Clarita on the way back up north... A quarter mile at a time.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Bull will be one tough motherfucker. Thankfully they killed off Foy/Miguel Alvarez last night, so they are just burning through HBO alum. I feel like Beecher could be introduced then killed off next.


Prime99 said...

Context- I was in SoCal for a wedding this weekend.

GMoney said...

You know who would fit into this show well? Verne Schillinger.

And hell no to Beecher. The Deep South isn't one for queers. He'd probably fall in love with Deputy Dipshit.