Monday, December 30, 2013

The Worst of Week Seventeen Vol.VII

Well, the regular season is officially over.  Usually, this makes me sad but when your team is God awful, quit in week 6, and has no first round draft pick, you celebrate the sweet release that death provides.  But before we get into the NFL action, let's talk about Andrew Bynum.  Look, we all knew that this was a reach for the Cavs that was, at best, a medium risk/medium reward situation.  And it ended up failing miserably as Bynum will likely not play for the Cavs again.  He was actually playing pretty well (for what most thought we would get from him) and at the time of writing this, no one is really sure what happened.  But I will believe that Woj guy at Yahoo who says that Bynum just doesn't want to play basketball anymore.  And that's fine.  He can go play handball with Jake Plummer.  I still think that he was worth the risk.  It ended up costing the team almost nothing to take a shot.  And who cares anyway because it's just another shitty move by Chris Grant.  This team sucked with Bynum.  They will suck without him.  Anderson Silva's leg has a better chance of making the playoffs.  Hot Take!  Let's talk football because discussing the Cavs makes my dick soft.

Alternate Uniforms - OK, these have to stop.  They have gotten out of control.  WEAR YOUR UNIFORMS.  Don't wear some other version.  Stop trying to sell merchandise to idiots.  Those white Minnesota unis made me root for Jerry Kill's epilepsy.  Ohio Buckeyes look like garbage with those really wide helmet stripes.  WEAR YOUR REGULAR UNIFORMS GODDAMMIT.

Penn State - Ya fucked, BRAHS!  Your savior coach is gone.  I expect Bill O'Brien to take his butt chin to Houston which is an incredible job opening.  You can do a hell of a lot worse than walking into JJ Watt, Andre Johnson, Foster, and the #1 pick.

Black Monday! - Oh man, do I love this day.  Coaches are assholes and there are few things better than a day where a bunch of assholes get shit-canned.  The Money Shot will be your home of Black Monday firings.  I expect at least 5 pink slips today.  Mike Shanahan better be one of them.

Jimmy Haslam/Mike Lombardi - If you weren't sold on Chud then why did you hire him?  You work/own the Browns.  You aren't getting a great coach to come there.  You gave Chud the worst QBs in the league and no running backs.  What did you expect?  If they fire Chud today, well, they'll be just as big of a joke as they usually are. UPDATE - They did.  As some hilarious mug said on Twitter:
The Browns are what happens when a criminal billionaire and Bill Simmons podcast take over a team.
Pretty much.  This franchise is forever fucked.  No one has a goddamn clue what they're doing.  They have officially lost the Trent Richardson trade because the Browns never win.

Jim Schwartz - I like the guy but he should have been fired last year and now word is coming out that he might keep his job after a monumental collapse.  This makes no sense.  Nice loss to the Vikings.  FYI, Cordarelle Patterson is going to be GREAT if he ever has a good QB.

The Rams - FUCK YO COUCH!  Houston earned that #1 pick--not you scumbags looking for handouts.

Ryan Tannehill - Not only did they miss out on the playoffs because they couldn't beat the Bills OR the Jets at home (got slaughtered in both) but the QB got caught picking his nose by an ELITE cameraman.  Nothing wrong with picking your nose, bro, but you got to wipe your boogers on Jonathan Martin.

Joe Flacco and Andy Dalton - Worst starting QBs in the league?  Can you believe that this is the first time that Flacco has not made the playoffs?  Dalton might make worse decisions than Ryan Leaf.  He is SO DUMB.  But still, I expect the Bengals to win by 50 next weekend.

Not RedZone - God bless those guys.  They didn't show one live play of HOU/TEN or WAS/NYG.  Good job.  Good effort.

It's over - I'm done complaining about the Redskins.  It's high time to focus on who our next puppet head coach will be.  My guess is Lane Kiffin.  He could bring his dad in to run the defense.  Nepotism is a real thing in DC.  Thank you, London Fletcher, you will be missed but not that much because we went 3-13 with you this season.

BLOG BREAK! - Heading down to #DEFENDNWA now!  BEAT THE PENGUINS!  Sidney Crosby gives great head!  Postgame - SHIT!  AND I apparently missed an ELITE slate of finishes in the later games.  Let's scan the box scores...

Poor Prime - I called that.  The Bears would lose.  It sounds like it was heart-breaking but why would you expect something good to happen when you've watched that Bears defense suck all season.  They lost to the goddamn Redskins for fuck's sake.  I get the feeling that they are going to let The Cat walk in free agency.

Terrelle Pryor's Agent - LOLOLOLOL the Raiders want my client to fail!  WHO SAYS THAT?

FUCK YOU STEELERS - LULZ!  I was in a suite last night and it was pretty much all Pens fans who were watching the Chargers/Chiefs game with great interest and white trash vigor.  They were so pumped when the Chiefs got into field goal range and then that American hero pushed it and they lose in overtime because Chase Daniel gives no fucks about the line of scrimmage.  That was terrific.  Steeler fan silence and dejection at a hockey game.  Unfortunately, Faggot Crosby woke them up a few minutes later.

Christ, Chargers! - That was classic San Diego right there.  Should have lost a home win-or-go-home game to a team that plays the second half of preseason games.  I was expecting to see Norv Turner show up.  I'm looking forward to more hilarious Philip Rivers faces though.  He should have plenty in Cincy next week when they are losing by 35.

Oh come on, Browns - Targeting Josh McDaniels?  THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU HIRE HIM LAST YEAR!  Do you not remember that he traded back into the first round to draft Tim Tenor?  HE DID THAT.  Move this team to London.

FANTASY! - Shit.  Ide won the G$FL for the second year in a row.  Peyton Manning is a hell of a drug.  I'll tell you what, if you owned Peyton this year and didn't win your league (Jeff), you should stop playing (Jeff).

I'm just going to assume that Dallas loses because there is no way that Kyle Orton can come back from a second quarter ten point deficit, right?  Whatever, I'm tired and I'm calling it quits for today.  There will be plenty of LULZ to go around anyway.  One thing is certain, I'm getting really sick of watching the Jackets lose in person but, then again, I GOTTA SEE IT LIVE!


Anonymous said...

Get this shit started off PROPER.

*I said it before the season...and I'll say it was a good risk by the Cavs on Bynum, because there really was no risk. Didn't work out...whatevs.

*Hopefully, the Schwartz Era ends this morning. He's meeting with mgmt around 10 and then there is a team meeting at noon...please be fired. Sell more F150's if you have issue eating that $12M.

*Chip Kelly is a damn fine coach.

*What the Browns are doing makes no sense to the COY.

*I don't have the issues iwth the Steelers that the Browns fans and others here do...but, it was nice to see their fans get teased so bad yesterday considering just how successful they have been over the last decade. They didn't deserve a playoff berf anyways.

*Da Bears took an interesting route to that loss yesterday. Ridonk TD catch by Marshall in that game.

*Best twitter moment yesterday was Damman retweeting somebody that said, "At least we still have The Tribe". LOLZ! That's like Magic Johnson losing millions in some business deal and then tweeting "At least I still have HIV!"

--Drew (2013 COY)

Grumpy said...

Can't lose to the Titans, Vikings, Raiders and Dolphins (at home, in the snow) and expect someone to bail you out.

The Browns are falling into Donald Sterling territory.

Grumpy said...

G$, still want Mike Wallace instead of Antonio Brown? Idiot.

GMoney said...

You're playing golf today because Antonio Brown can't pass a field sobriety test by running straight so don't you get lippy with me.

How the fuck is Jim Schwartz owed 12 million dollars? Someone made a HUGE error there.

A lot of people rag on the NFC East for being garbage but you can't tell me that you don't enjoy the annual week 17 primetime Cowboys collapse. It is THE BEST thing about football. It never gets old. Shots of Double J in his suite are LOL. Orton didn't even fuck around with his blow-up. Quick and easy on the first play. Romo could learn something from that.

Next weekend's games should be terrific. I'll be honest though, I was kind of hoping that we would get to watch the Saints hang another 40 point beating on Dallas.

Nationwide Arena was rocking last night. Granted, it was split evenly with fans but that was a lot of fun. It will be nice when we don't have to play Boston or Pittsburgh anymore.

GMoney said...

I can see it now and so can you:

On Opening Day 2014, the Josh McDaniels-led Browns will be QB'd by Ryan Mallett. Good luck with that.

Mr. Ace said...


Chip called a spectacular game...but running a QB sneak a full yard out when you have the best RB in the league is totes dumb. Also lining up in the ACE!!! formation on our 2nd to last drive made it obvs we were running on 1st n 2nd. Thank science that Romo's soul crept into Ortons body there. How bout them them Cowboys?

Jay Cutty gotta go. He just isn't worth a huge contract, especially to a guy like Trestman who can coach up the position. BMarsh might lose his shit though.

The Chud firing was totes dumb, but if you don't want the guy then dump his ass now rather then later I guess. What a waste of a year and franchise.

And the only future bet I made all year won. I told you clowns the Ravens sucked and wouldn't win more than 8 games.
I fly back into Columbus today. I am bringing the 80 degree weather and palm trees with me.

Grumpy said...

Refs blew two calls in SD/Chiefs game. On the potential winning FG the Chargers overloaded the right side of the defensive formation with more than 6 players; clear violation.

On the SD fake punt in OT the pile was still moving and the runner was not down when the KC defensive player stripped the ball.

The league will admit both errors today and say "Oops, sorry". Officiating this season has been a joke and it affects the "integrity of the game".

Prime99 said...

I'm inclined to keep Cutler who won't make close to Flacco money. However, if they go a different direction, they better have a hell of a plan. And drafting a 1st round QB isn't it since every pick in this draft is reserved for the worst defense in the league.

Pretty shitty loss yesterday. The fumble that no one went after and the 4th and 7 at the end were two devastating plays. Just dreadful.

Prime99 said...

Shanny- HE GONE!

Anonymous said...

So none of our teams made it into the playoffs this year? That is just fantastic. We truly are a community of terrible sports fans.

Fantasy football. Man, it's almost getting old at this point. Actually, it's not. FUCK YOU ALL. For one particular shitbag who 'dominates' fantasy, I kept MONTEEEE in all year, and came away with a title. I know more than you. GIVE IT A REST.

G$, that's my league now. That crown no doubt looks better on me. I will be cheering for my last pick next year as well. Don't doubt the process, its science. This is now 3 years in a row that I've won a league with the last pick. I am ELITE.

Damman and I have now made a habit of knocking each other out of the playoffs. He started the Steelers Defense against the Browns. That is deplorable even in week 17. The Gods sought fit to punish him accordingly. That gives Buke, Damman, and I all 2 titles in this league. Next year will be the tie breaker, because the rest of the league is complete shit, especially the commissioner. Nice trade, brah!


GMoney said...

Refs blew two calls in SD/Chiefs game. On the potential winning FG the Chargers overloaded the right side of the defensive formation with more than 6 players; clear violation.

Relax, Peter King. As you said, you lost to some shitty teams this season so now you sit at home where you belong.

Prime, that is music to my ears. Shanahan was a disaster. He should be the next Browns coach.

GMoney said...

Uh, there is a guy with three titles. Tell Josh how his ass tastes. Drew would know.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at grumpy crying like a baby that the reason the steelers aren't in the playoffs is because of the refs, IN A GAME THAT HIS TEAM WASNT EVEN PLAYING IN. Typical fucking rapist fan.


Prime99 said...

It's like the Steelers got raped out of the playoffs- doesn't feel good, does it?

Ide, Chip's Eagles made the playoffs despite Ape being a fan.

Anonymous said...

I love that Ide completely overlooked "Ace's team" getting in...


Anonymous said...

Drew, when you compare the Indians to the Browns and the Cavs, they are a model franchise. Hopefully Browns fans boycott this shit and start to support a team that actually has a chance to be competitive.


GMoney said...

Ace is easy to overlook because he sucks.

Seal, any hot takes on Bynum or the Browns? At least UK beat L'ville.

RIP Moe Man...a Northwest Signal legend.

Anonymous said...

The Bynum situation is laughable but 100% predictable. Supposedly he wanted more PT as of late and when the coaches weren't giving it to him he said go fuck yourself, Cleveland and this team is a piece (I made up what he said but assume it sounded something close to that). This team is a disaster internally. If anyone should have been fired today, it should have been Chris Grant and Mike Brown. Bynum will go to the Heat, OKC - or will never play again.

As far as my thoughts on the Browns... At first I hated it, and ultimately still do. But read a tweet from an NFL insider who quoted a Brown saying "guy's a douche, no one on the offense listens to him or trusts him", when talking about Chud. I'm sure that was from some punk thug like Greg Little. I just don't understand starting over, AGAIN. This is the guy your regime supposedly wanted. So you lied to the fan base again. This puts us back another year... When in all honesty I felt the most positive about going into next year more than any other season since the return. Eerily similar to what the Chiefs did this year, if we have an ok off season, draft a few more pieces, get some people healthy, AND find a QB who can manage an offense. My initial reaction though was I seriously wanted to never talk about this team again.


Anonymous said...

Oh I almost forgot... GO CATS!!!!


Jeff said...

Seal you are a die hard Cleveland sports fan. Nothing else needs to be said except LOLZ 4 LYFE.

Steelers didn't deserve to make the playoffs, but then again neither did any other team, especially SD not being able to be backups at home in a win and you're in game. They were probably the most deserving of all the 8-8 teams considering how they were playing.

G$ is bitter about his fantasy baseball and football ass kickings I put on him this season. Pey pey and myself are taking $230 to the bank thank you very much.

Anonymous said...

Schwartz has been fired.

The Browns and Lions both looking for head coaches at the same time...this will be like watching a Special Olympics 100 yard dash, except that nobody is going to feel smuggy or happy when we cross the finish line.

My top pick? Give me BOB...if we can wrangle him from the Texans. I think he's still got a lot of work to do...but, Stafford needs some sort of QB guru to be his leader. Stafford's the biggest investment on the team...give him the tools needed to reach levels that his raw talent can reach. I'm really not sure BOB is ready to be an NFL head coach...but, he gives them the best shot to get the most out of Stafford.


Grumpy said...

Seal, you're not only a douche bag, but a douche bag who can't read. I clearly said you can't lose to the teams the Steelers lost to and expect to make the playoffs.

Just pointing out the incompetence of the refs.

Prime99 said...

Drew, if Urban Meyer were to go to the Lions, would you be happy or sad? I'm aware this will not happen, just asking anyway.

Anonymous said...

I'd be very sad. I take OSU Football way more seriously than the, losing out on arguably the 2nd best coach in the country and maybe the best recruiter would make me very the Buckeyes couldn't possibly hire someone better.


Mr. Ace said...

@incarceratedbob: **UPDATED NBA NEWS** Several outlets are reporting Andrew Bynum was suspended by Cavs sleeping with Assistant Coach Jamahl Mosley’s wife.

Please please be true.

Prime99 said...

Makes sense. It's just interesting that Bill O'Brein is such a HOT NAEM (NFL background, blah blah, I get it) while top college coaches are not. It is interesting to see how that divide occurs, even within the B1G where I believe Urban is better than BOB in college, but not in the NFL.

Bynum also slept with LeBron's mom.

Prime99 said...

Ya know, it would take little effort to record Schiano Man by PFTCommenter....

GMoney said...

I saw that hot goss about Bynum. If true, that is just tremendous. Banging your coach's wife!

This is a fine Black Monday.

Grump - We didn't deserve to make the playoffs but let me bitch and moan about the refs anyway who kept us out of what we didn't deserve!

I'd rather not make the playoffs than get beat by Andy Dalton anyway.

Schiano Man would be a #1 hit for Total Recall.

GMoney said...

Ladies and gentlemen may I present to you, Lawrence Tynes on guest vocal's:
I said "Greg I believe this is killing me!"
And Coach said 2 "Just take a bath."
Well Im sure that I could be a superstar,,
If I could get rid of this staph!

Best verse of any song ever.

Not Biff Tannen said...

Marmalard Rivers is a GIF machine. He just keeps pumping out gems week after week. If the Steelers had made the playoffs I would have just started throwing punches until I was arrested. As Seal put it there a more lucky franchise? And cue the whiney Steeler fans....

Fucking Browns man. I wasn't the biggest fan of the Chud hire but Jesus Christ, people. Give the guy a chance to do his job. At least the team had a fucking pulse this year under his reign. I'm running out of bad things to say about this team.

Look for the Browns to hire Schwartz. TOTES a Browns move. Hiring McDaniels would also be a Browns move.

GMoney said...

Fuck that. Jimmy Haslam and Mike Shanahan were BORN to work together.

Anonymous said...

I refuse to acknowledge the Browns until draft time. I owe myself that much. Speaking of the draft, they showed the preview for Draft Day before Anchorman 2 (garbage fucking movie), which features me. It looks like it could be good.


Anonymous said...

The Browns first interview will be the Seahawks DC per NFL Network. They also will not interview anyone that they interviewed last year...which seems odd.

ESPN and NFL Network talking heads seem to think the Lions job is the best open job. Not sure it is..but, it is close to the top.


Anonymous said...

Cutler will be wearing a bears jersey next year. Whether it's under the franchise tag or a long term deal. He seems to be Trestmans guy.

Not sure who's assignment was missed on the 4th down play but had to be Conte's fault. Having a white guy in your secondary is a terrible decision


Prime99 said...

I think the Texans have the best opening, Lions second. Skins and Browns tied for last.

Grumpy said...

Replay did not stop the game because the ruling of forward progress is not reviewable. Should have been a strip and TD in my opinion.
— Mike Pereira (@MikePereira) December 30, 2013

If this was any of your teams you would be pissed too. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

GMoney said...

My team finished 3-13 and probably will do the same forever. Your playoff hopes rode on the arm of Chase Daniel so LOL fuck you go home.

The Skins is a great job. You'll get paid double what you're worth, you can hire all of your family members no matter how incompetent they are, you will get fired, and still collect every dime owed!